2025-01-05
tags: none
Words: 690 (2 minutes to read)
(This is entry 64 of #100DaysToOffload)
So far in my life (in regard to social situations) I think I've been in a state of carelessly caring. As in, caring about perception, or ramifications of my actions, or something like that. I'm not talking about caring as in, well, you shouldn't care what other people think of you, so why not just murder that guy that annoys you?. I mean, caring as in, not asking out a girl because you are embarrassed of being rejected, or that it might make things awkward.
I know, and have known, for a very long time, that I shouldn't really care about that kind of stuff. I shouldn't care what other people really think about me. I shouldn't get shy in social situations, or not say something I want to say because I worry if it will make me look bad. It relates to the idea of disinhibition (which it dawns on me now I still haven't written a blog post on) that I had: that a large part of my social issues (which I call social malaise) relates to an inability to disinhibit; hence why I can easily talk when drunk (and generally have a character I can quite like), because I am able to disinhibit. I care, and so I inhibit. Or, I want to avoid a difficult situation, and so I bring about an even more difficult situation by not just sorting it out quickly, and taking the initial awkward step.
As an example, I had a crush (yes, at the age of 21/22!) on a girl at work. I would often inhibit around her; I wouldn't say much, or it would just be small talk. I would never seek out her company. Whenever I saw her, I would get flustered and red as a result and not manage very well. I remember at one point I was walking back to the station with her from Eastcheap Records, and she grabbed my arm in a playful way. I fumbled, and ended up saying something awkward (I can't remember what); she let go of my arm. She told me she was the same age as me, and I (idiot that I am) said oh I thought you were a bit older (because I thought she was maybe 25, thinking she would have gone to uni and then worked a couple years) and she was a little bit offended and went what, do you think I'm thirty or something?. Basically, I badly messed up a really good opportunity to chat to her, potentially try get her number. Even divulging that feels awkward to do on a public blog, but if I'm saying I want to disinhibit...
Actually, even at certain times, I would make to go to the kitchen (to refill my drink etc.) and I would see her go in there, so I would just sit back down to avoid the awkward conversation (especially if there was somebody else also there).
I essentially wasted a lot of time in thinking about her, worrying, not fully being able to just chat and enjoy my time, my life, around her. In not asking her out (which she probably would have rejected anyways) I potentially missed out on the experience of a relationship (which, in hindsight, probably wouldn't really have worked. Still, it would have been desirable precisely because it wouldn't work, in that it would have been a good learning experience), and so on and so on.
I think the key for me going forward is to be less shy, less inhibited. If I say something and it turns out I shouldn't have, I can apologise. I can learn for next time. But a lot of the things I don't say because of inhibition are not really problematic at all. It's not an issue to just ask for a number at the end of a night out, for instance. I need to have a bit more confidence in myself, that I'm not seen as an imposition or an undesirable that has tagged along: I am, provided I actually do disinhibit, valued for myself. It's ultimately maybe tied in with a self-esteem thing, too, then.
(Not sure I really should be publicly self-therapising. Hey ho. I've already written 118k words on the topic in wv, why not add a few more?)