George Abbott's Blog

Petase, and the future of plastic

Sat, 23 Nov 2024 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 43 of #100DaysToOffload)

There are bacteria that can break down PET plastic. So, what would the future of plastic be?

I think we'll end up using Ideonella sakaiensis, or a modified form of it, to break down plastic. But really, what I think is likely to happen is that this bacteria will get out. We'll end up in a situation where this bacteria gets into general existence, and we will have PETase being found on just random bottles. Industry will of course try to exterminate it, but it will develop a resistance to the tools used; compare for instance how our factory farming creates huge bacterial issues, and struggles to control it. We'll create strains of bacteria that can break down PET (and other plastics), and are resistant to our techniques to try exterminate it. We'll have plastic being broken down naturally, and will no longer think of it as a non-biodegradable product. People will just be used to the idea that you don't want to use plastic for bottles, because plastic naturally degrades - same reason you don't want to use paper!

This might become a public health nightmare: both terephthalic acid and ethylene glycol are harmful in some way, causing irritation or being harmful if consumed. I wonder if future humans will be more resistant to these chemicals, though that will take some time. Or, we will develop some kind of pill to manage the damage of these chemicals. Hopefully the bacteria use all of the TPA and EG for its own purposes, or at least we'll find other bacteria that use any excess. Nature always finds a way.

I'm interested to see how it turns out!

Weeknotes 2025-W20

Sun, 18 May 2025 00:00:00 +0000

Wow, the weeks are passing by incredibly quickly. Already, we are on week twenty!

This week, and the next one too, are very busy, booked out with many different events. This is partly to celebrate my birthday, and partly just how things have worked out.

Monday

I woke up late, worked from home, and then saw my friends of the evening.

I decided I would try to do the "tracking" again, but this time with a much more limited set of things (just: mandolin, exercise, diarising, and IF2/RHS study) to the end of rewards. So, if I get a full week (or, giving myself a bit of leeway, six days, say) of exercising, I can treat myself to a cake at the cafe.

Tuesday

I was good in the morning! I did some yoga, some weights, some mandolin, and then studied on the train. I've been reading La boheme, which has been good fun. In the evening, I bought some odds and ends from Sainsburys and went to the allotment.

Wednesday

I listened to some nice music both at lunch, and in the evening went to the Barbican/GSMD to listen to songs. The singing was really good - operatic style singing, about the colour blue. Interestingly, I found that when a song started I could never tell what language it was in or understand anything, but then partly through I'd pick up on a phrase and go "oh, it's in Japanese!" (or Italian, German etc.) and then could (mostly) understand it from then on.

Thursday

I studied on the train like I tell myself I ought, and at work ended up collecting four items of Winnie the Pooh crockery in a kettle box (the office is shut for the next few weeks). I went to Fatto a Mano for dinner, reading more La boheme, and then to the opera house, where there was a Young ROH night on for the Romeo and Juliet ballet. The first ballet I've seen, it was actually really good! What I understood though I only understood because I know the story of R&J, and not because it was easy to understand. There was no dialogue whatever. Still, it was really impressive, and I even ended up crying (which happens a lot nowadays when I go to shows - I actually think it's a good thing as it means my emotional repression might be ever so slightly easing up) in the final scene where they both die.

The "kettle" was oddly popular: when I got it back out from the cloakroom, someone shouted out "he's got his kettle back!". I was getting stares on the tube (probably they thought it was a bomb) and had a quick chat at Bank station with a drunk couple when the man went "why does he have a kettle?"

Friday

Because I was tired after the opera, I woke up late and just started work immediately. I also didn't go into the city, because I couldn't really be asked to get the train specifically for the one show, and it was free, anyways.

Saturday

I went to the cafe and studied, finished the IF2 book. I also read to completion the first act of La boheme. I spent some time at the allotment, too.

Sunday

Feeling very lethargic, as a result I haven't done a great deal. A very small amount of mandolin in the morning, some blog writing, and a very good deal of sleeping, is about it.

Next year

Fri, 29 Nov 2024 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 49 of #100DaysToOffload)

For next year, I'm going to try make some pretty drastic changes. I want to pivot my life around the big four. I plan to have a fairly... ascetic, in a sense, existence, but which also has more in the way of new experiences. It is a progression on the changes I have made over this year.

In fact, I'm going to start in December, to get a month of getting used to it.

(The below is somewhat of a re-write of a personal note, with some parts removed or reworded. Apologies if it's not great.)

Overall

I wouldn't call the goal to be ascetic, but more to remove extraneous things. I want to focus on a more limited set of things, and give them my proper attention. Potentially to go a bit slower, too: be more organised, structured, and pay the right attention to the right places, eliminating bad habits that have accumulated, and instead... doing more with less (to borrow a phrase from I think it is Boeing - but in, like, a good way, not an anti-worker way). A more directed life.

I don't know whether the guitar is the direction I want to go in. But I need to pick a direction and go that way. I'm still keeping up with health stuff and allotment and languages too, so I'm not fully losing touch. A framework to orient myself towards a better framework, in a sense.

Focus

I want to focus more on a smaller set of item: hence the big four.

The four is actually a few more as it subdivides: Study will be both the RHS course, as well as the IF2, and Italian, and anything else I start. Guitar is both guitar and mandolin. Health is both weights and running and skipping.

Nails

I will try to get my nails grown out, overcoming that habit of biting them excessively by putting gels on, and maybe even getting them painted?

Social Malaise

Horrific! This is the shyness and inhibition I get around others. I want desperately to overcome it. I see no alternative but to engage more with people. This includes texting (that I don't do much of). Essentially, to overcome social malaise is highly important. I am fluent when drunk; I want to be when sober, too. Perhaps it is difficult when I am more the type to listen, and my interlocutor is too. Not sure. Regardless, fluidity is possible. Disinhibition seems to be key.

Health

I want to be healthy. I don't think the gym is necessarily the all, and I held it for temporary when I began anyways. I'll buy weights, and save a good amount on the cost of a gym membership. The guitar, mandolin, and weights give me ample to do in the day at home to not feel bored: I can also study, too. This should give me a low-dopamine escape from more viceful activities: I emotionally regulate by keeping busy. I can hopefully continue to meet health goals, too. The new routine will focus more on cardio, and so promote heart health (I think direly needed) and weight loss.

Romance

Speed-dating. Alongside making new friendships to overcome social malaise, and replenish my rather lacking friendship circle (only two proper friends left) I would like to meet a partner. A relationship would force me to overcome the non-disclosure, too.

Money

I have, these past couple years, been a tad frivolous financially. I wish to budget more: £600 for all monthly spending (including commute trains and food) with the remainder going to investments in the form of ISAs (I will need to set up), NS&I funds, etc.

Guitar

I want to use the guitar and the mandolin as pivots I can progress via. Of course, it is a handy recreation to have, if I can play an instrument. The other ideal is that it gives me a thing to focus on. Again, the goal is to do more with less.

Hobonichi

I'm going to use this for the year: see how it goes!

Blog

I want to finish #100DaysToOffload.

50 in 50: Words of Wisdom to my Younger Self

Fri, 13 Jun 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I'm not too sure yet, because I think I am still too young. I don't feel like I am fully adult. That said, I do think I have improved relative to my younger self.

I would say to not worry so much about what others think of me. However, I don't think it would have helped. Certain mistakes just have to be lived through; I have become somewhat of my own person now, but that has happened by itself. Giving myself advice wouldn't have helped; I wouldn't have listened. I was in an entirely different, more tunnel-visioned, mode of existence.

On a more concrete level, maybe I would have said to have kept up music. I gave up violin when I was eleven as I thought it would be thought of as "uncool" in a way, but I really wish I would have kept it up. I wish I were fluent with an instrument.

Bologna: Sixth Day

Thu, 17 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000

(I'm not going to count this towards 100DaysToOffload, because it'll be brief.)

It was pretty miserable today. As a result, I didn't really do all that much. I went out to get breakfast at the place just by my hotel, and got a pizza marinara. I poured a bit too much olive oil on it so it was thoroughly drenched and even mopping it up didn't clear all the oil from the plate. Not complaining though. The tomatoes on that pizza were heavenly and if my Italian were better I would have asked what variety they are.

I then went to the bookstore just by the Due Torri, and perused a bit. I needed the toilet so went back to the hotel and just sat for a bit, and the maintenance man knocked at my door as he had to fix the toilet seat. I was just reading my RSS feeds (when I get back and on Internet again, I'll have so much reading to catch up on) whilst he worked on it.

I then went back out, grabbed some roast chestnuts to eat, and went back to the bookstore. I bought "Io Non Ho Paura" by Niccolo Ammaniti, and La Voce delle Onde by Yukio Mishima. Oh my word are books in Italy expensive. The former appears to have a good amount of dialogue in it, which will help me out. I can't really read Italian, but I've now got in total four books to practise with.

And then it was raining (heavily by that point) so I rushed back to the hotel, and have not really done anything at all since.

I'm just going to do my drawing and some exercises before bed and maybe read a little, but not much. I've only got two more full days left, and it'll be miserable for both of them.

50 in 50: Guidelines for Life

Sat, 07 Jun 2025 00:00:00 +0000

Not really. I probably should. I haven't written anything down, but I try to follow the following (great vocabularising there, me):

Ethical consumerism. This is veganism initially (with exceptions made for ethically sourced eggs and milk - this doesn't really happen with milk except at the Hare Krsna temple, and eggs from backyard hens). From there, I also try to buy only second-hand clothes, to prevent the use of child and slave labour. I am trying to stay away from unethically sourced chocolate, but I make many mistakes here. I avoid Amazon, Temu, etc. on the whole, though have made a few mistakes here too out of quasi necessity (emphasis heavily placed on the quasi). I was avoiding plastic for awhile, but that is very difficult to do!
Try not to waste time: I don't consider sitting idle a waste of time, really, but I mean things like social media. I don't use them at all, and do not want to spend hours in the day scrolling.

I want to be more discplined in what I do, and follow a good routine, and the like. I don't at the moment, and it has the expected consequences.

I also want to be better with people. I am not great at the moment, largely from lack of experience. It is something that will come with time, and I am putting myself out there more often now.

50 in 50: A Memorable Road Trip

Wed, 04 Jun 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I think road trip is a bit of an American term, and we don't really do road trips in the UK, we do holidays. This is because... we have smaller roads and they are just vessels for getting to places, over here.

We do have the idea of taking trips with multiple places in them, but quite often these are done by train, especially if they are in Europe.

The last one of these I did was in Germany with my family as a late teen - we flew to Berlin, then took the train to Dresden and Leipzig, then down into Prague, before flying back home. It was good fun.

Weeknotes 2025-W16

Mon, 21 Apr 2025 00:00:00 +0000

... I really should consistently write in the diary, because it makes it really difficult to remember what I actually did. Aaaargh!

Monday

I had the day off, so I did a fair bit of gardening.

Tuesday

I got up at four, trying to continue the routine from the temple. I read some Sri Isopanisad, did eight pushups and a sun salutation (just one!), then got ready for work.

Wednesday

I finished Never Let Me Go. Apart from that, just work I think? I struggled (and failed!) to wake up at four though.

Thursday

I struggled again to wake up, and at lunch had a quick chat with someone who I met at the temple. I've started reading another of Ishiguro's, Nocturnes.

Friday

(I actually wrote a diary entry for this day, well done, me of three days ago!)

I failed again to wake at four, ate way too much sugar too (sweets brought back from the temple). I did odds and ends in the garden (the major thing was planting a Kniphofia caulescens, which will look good in a few years), added a portal page to my website and banned search engines for myself. I wrote a blog article about it...

I also saw a friend in the evening.

Saturday

I went to the cafe with family (didn't really get any study done) and started to read The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue as recommended by my mother. I don't like the writing style (too much overuse of single sentence paragraphs and power of three to make it excessively dramatically written when it doesn't need to be) but I'll finish it either way.

Sunday

I started to sleep on the floor. It's actually not too bad!

I did sun salutations in the morning, which were nice.

I also did some guitar and mandolin.

We also had the easter egg hunt etc. for easter which was fun, and I ate way too much food.

Weeknotes 2025-W31

Tue, 05 Aug 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I've been pretty good at updating the diary this week, which is good...

Monday

Not a great deal happened; work, read a bit, listened to music, had dinner...

Tuesday

Again, not a great deal: work, played some mandolin, listened to some Modern Wisdom...

Wednesday

The most interesting thing that happened was that, when I put my ticket in the machine on the way back, it got swallowed but the machine didn't open, so I had to buy a new one.

Thursday

Again, not a lot, but I went for a walk with my mother...

Friday

In the evening, I harvested the last of the plums at the allotment - 71 plums from that harvest alone! Also got a good deal of elderberries to make jam with.

Saturday

I went for the walk, got eggs, had my violin lesson (which was decent! It's only the first one of course) and watched 28 Days Later with my parents in the evening. (Good film.)

Sunday

I made elderberry jam, blueberry jam, and rhubarb crumble. I delivered the elderberry jam to my grandma, who gave me some herbs and something for dinner in exchange. Also collected figs from my grandma's allotment: four bags full in total (still some left to ripen on the branch) and dropped those off to her at the same time.

Linux is a waste of time

Tue, 01 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000

This is entry 2 of 100 for #100DaysToOffload, and the first blog post of the redesigned website.

Today, for lack of other ideas, I want to write about Linux, and it being a waste of time.

I am a user of Arch (Artix) Linux, and I installed Linux the "difficult" way via the command line. I've had friends describe Linux as a waste of time, or say that you need to "write 1,000 lines of code just to open Chrome". And, to an extent, this is true: well, not 1,000 lines of code, but to do it all properly, there is a lot of manual effort involved. But I think (alongside all Linux users) that it's actually easier for a lot of things.

The difficult part is that it forces a certain understanding of the system as a whole. Not too much: I still don't really understand how seatd, or dbus, for instance, work, but I do know my init system (s6 for my home computer and systemd on my "on-the-go" laptop), and have full control over my desktop environment.

That full control part is the main thing. For instance, take this website. I'll do another blog post about the (sort of half broken) system that I use for building it, but essentially it involves a shell script running commands over files in a /src directory, and copying the output into the /rel directory, that is then pushed to the server. I have written a program in Odin which converts the files (which are written in an almost-Markdown, where the first line is a title, the second a date, and the rest is interpreted similarly to md) into HTML using a template file. To get to here, I had to have quite a good chunk of time that I didn't have my website operational - when really, I could have either done it manually, or have just used an off-the-shelf solution like WordPress. So why not? Well, by doing it this (really bad way), I get:

To learn about handling text in a manual-memory-managed language like Odin.
To have complete flexibility over the solution.

The second part is the main thing. For instance, I have the site thousands, where I have a tracker for the number of wordvomits I have written, and the last date I wrote one. This is automatically updated, but not with any extravagant solution; instead, the src file just has a bit of text thousandsreplacewvprogress that I replace in a sed script with the relevant info pulled from the "wv" script that handles everything wv. This means that I get the most basic possible solution for this use case. The index page for wv is generated from "wv ls-html" which is sed-substituted into the HTML index page, as are the stats with "wv stats-html". It's all very basic, but that's the point. I develop the solution as I need it.

The website is not perfect, though. In terms of the actual text files, I'm currently in the process of re-writing the Markdown to HTML script from Odin to Zig, as I think the language will be more pleasant to use. But, it gave me a chance to try out Odin, which was good. I also need to add in the rest of the features, e.g. I still haven't fully implemented italics, or hyperlinks, for instance. I have no shame and just release things when they're not finished!

But back on track, I'm learning from this, and getting to enjoy the programming, and so I have decided not to use an already existing product. In fact, if I wanted, I could probably add to the scripts and release it on Git for others to use.

(I have to remember here than I don't have a word count to hit like with wv, haha)

So, is Linux a waste of time? Kind of, but also, it's a good opportunity to learn, and experiment around. The point of having the website for me isn't really the act of having a website, it's more that I get something to work on, experiment around with, and use as a justification to try new things. I could well have used a Markdown to HTML converter (pandoc has one, I'm sure there are others) but instead I wanted to try Odin, so I made a (not fully-featured) one in Odin, and now am re-writing in Zig that I've gone off Odin. Sort of the reason why people experiment around with Javascript frameworks, I guess, only less bloat?

Ok, that's all. I'm no good at blog writing... I'll get the hang of it.

(Should I have an "outro" like I do with "have a good one" for wv? No clue!)

50 in 50: An International Person

Tue, 03 Jun 2025 00:00:00 +0000

No. I haven't really travelled much internationally, though I am starting to a bit more now. This year, I want to travel to Lyon and also to either Germany or somewhere in Italy (Verona?).

I don't really know any people from other countries, apart from members of my extended family who are from Germany.

ISO 8601

Fri, 21 Feb 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I have used, for a good while now (probably coming up to two years), ISO-8601 whenever I need to represent dates. Well, technically not, because ISO-8601 requires the T to be used when representing times, so I guess I use something like RFC 3339 instead, or maybe just more generically "the %Y-%m-%d %H:%M format", but either way.

There are some very obvious benefits, like the ordering of files being automatically done correctly, and not having to be confused about whether 02/01/2024 is January 2nd (UK) or 1st February (US). An old system we used at work would represent dates in the US format, and it caused all sorts of trouble when UK dates would get interpreted as being in US format or vice versa, and just made it difficult to read. YYYY-MM-DD format is easy to read for just about everybody, and solves so many issues.

I even use it though, when I'm just writing notes in my notepad. I start each journal day off with a line with the date, in YYYY-MM-DD format. I think I may have started to do it as I began to learn Japanese (which gives the date in a very similar format, but prefixes the kanji for year, month and day before each part).

It's such a good standard, and I really wish the entire world could just agree to use it for everything!

50 in 50: What are my feelings about alcohol?

Mon, 12 May 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I don't drink a great deal of alcohol nowadays. When I did drink regularly (only socially), I would cease to drink for a little while on a regular basis, to make sure that I wasn't depending on it to socialise well. I never was too much, but definitely I have had weaker moments where I don't drink and I can't socialise very well.

The main benefit socially from alcohol is disinhibition, and my desire is to be able to disinhibit fully, and consistently, when sober, as if I were on alcohol. I can't do yet.

So that's that. I've never really had a problem with alcohol in this way, and keep it in check quite well. In fact, I regularly go months at a time without drinking at all and without planning to, simply because I don't have the desire to drink. I don't have alcohol about me much and tend to just drink water when I am out and about. (I try to, albeit inconsistently, apply Percy Bysshe Shelley's teaching about only drinking water)

In terms of the actual drinks that I will drink, I mainly drink cider nowadays. I'll drink just about any cider, but am a fan of Old Mout (though, I can have too much of this), and particularly Rattler (from Healey's farm, in Cornwall). Thatchers is also quite good, and I've had a couple of the blood orange flavour in recent days that is very nice.

Before I drank cider, I would drink nothing but vodka. I never cared enough for the particularly type of vodka, though I could very clearly tell the difference between nice vodkas that one can buy at the shops, and the paint stripper that is often sold in bars. I'd have it with either coke, or preferably, a fruit juice like apple or cranberry (not orange, though).

I want to like wine, because I want to be able to go to an enoteca and try different flavours. The problem is, I find the stuff repulsive. I can just about stomach a few sips of red, but white is horrendous. I want to try to acclimatise myself to it this year, but it's difficult to find the time when I actually want to drink, and it won't be often enough to acclimatise myself to it.

I also want to like limoncello. The problem I find is that it's far too strong for me; I am not a seasoned drinker, and so I can't really handle things that strong. Hey ho.

(As an anecdote, I once bought a bottle of limoncello to drink of an evening. I ended up having only one shot, and pouring half the rest of the bottle over my laptop; the keys were sticky still years after.)

I do also like kahlua, sambuca, and tried banana rum once on a night out that was lovely. I had a great night in at one point drinking Aldi's cider, as well as shots of kahlua and sambuca, and reading Matthew Lewis' The Monk.

Generally, though, I'm not much of a drinker. I had a brief reprieve drinking fairly heavily as a late teen, and getting so drunk at parties I'd fetch up, but those days are (mostly) behind me.

Weeknotes 2025-W11

Mon, 17 Mar 2025 00:00:00 +0000

Monday
On the Monday, I went to the British Academy for a talk on Medieval Lived Religion: The Complex Lives of Medieval Ritual Objects. Essentially, it was about objects used in religious contexts, and what can be said about them. It was quite long, yet somehow didn't go into the level of detail I wished. Still, it was pleasant. There was a reception with some various items found by the PAS (Portable Antiquities Scheme) which was advertised in the talk also.

Once I got home, I re-did the index page for my website too.

Tuesday

I sent off module six of my RHS, and went back home for some free dinner. Apart from that, not too much done.

Wednesday

I did a fair bit of work for the 1k project (where I am working on building a collection of 1,000 songs that I can synchronise across devices and have to be able to listen to).

Thursday

I read a bit, and watched the first episode of Super Cub the anime. I've already read the first book, and decently enjoyed it. Essentially this is because I've decided I want to take Japanese back up.

Friday

Read a bit (Altered Traits) and watch about 48 minutes of a girl exploring the trains of Japan (here). Again this was sort of just for Japanese practise - I can understand a good deal, but mainly struggle when the older men talk very quickly.

I got told what my pay rise for work was, which was... disappointing, frankly. Hey ho.

Saturday

I went to the cafe to read (Altered Traits) and study (IF2). I also watched a video from Philosophy Tube (Was Nietzsche MAGA? and decided to try learn Out on the Ocean on the mandolin.

Sunday

I got up very late, then went to the allotment, we tidied up quite a lot there, and I finished Altered Traits in the afternoon. I went back home to have roast in the evening.

50 in 50: Why do you like your favorite restaurant?

Wed, 28 May 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I think probably my favourite restaurant is an Indian about half an hour from me. It is a Keralan Indian, and the reason why I love it is of course the food. They do a sort of deconstructed onion bhaji, that is free strands of onion. They also do a milk appam, which is delicious: really sweet coconut pancakes. In terms of mains, they do a very nice vendakka mappas, which is a lovely curry with ladies' fingers.

Basically, it's delicious!

I could also list the Eye Falafel stand in Petticoat Lane market in London. The falafel wraps are delicious, generously sized, and very cheap (only £5!). The staff are very friendly too and recognise me whenever I go.

Taking things one day at a time

Sat, 04 Jan 2025 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 60 of #100DaysToOffload)

It's now the 4th - a mere four days into the new year, or 1.1% complete (which sounds like it's gone quicker). I am taking it day by day, and trying to do as much as I can in each day: essentially, I want to assume a diligent position, where I do what needs to be done quickly and without delay, and make good progress on all my goals, whilst lowering the burden of things that are on my mind, and which I think oh, I still need to do X. So far, it's sort of working, but I wonder how it will go as time progresses. Things tend naturally to slip into a bit of a disarray. Still, I am enjoying the sort of slower pace of things at the moment, and think I am sort of doing well on what I need to do.

The Hobonichi is quite pleasant to write in, and the section where I write down what I did at each point in the day is useful. Not sure if I'll keep it up for every single day, but I could well. Diligence is really what I desire at this point, slow and methodical. In contrast, though I don't think my life was quick by any means, certainly days did go by at a haring pace, and I always felt as if I was behind. I still do: for instance, I have a quite large amount of work to do for employment-work next week, and am not sure how easy it will be to fit it all into the period of time that I have next week. Still, I just have to do the best I can.

(Work generally, as an aside, feels sort of scatty, or ADHD-inducing. It sort of involves a lot of trying to start one thing, and then getting sidetracked by another, and then someone comes and says can you do this for me, and then my boss calls me and says y needs to be done urgently, and then I get chased for the original thing that I now haven't been able to do because of the other things, and then... [bracket kept intentionally open]

It's stressful, in other words. My personal life, and my weekend, in contrast, are more relaxing, and still just as productive provided I actually do the things that I need to do.)

The thought of taking things one day at a time is slightly unpleasant. It makes the days slow, and I have to exert so much effort to get each day to be filled in a way that can satisfy me. At the end of it, I think I'll be happier for it, but it really does make the days drag. Surely that's a good thing? I shouldn't wish away my days, limited as they are. I suppose I almost wish that things could tide quicker, but then of course I don't actually want that, and I'd complain if they did.

Still, each day having gradual progress is nice. Really nice. I think I will be pleased to look back on what I've accomplished this month, even though most of it is immaterial. I think it's the attitude that I'll be pleased to have cultivated.

I wonder what helps it to go slow? The reading before bedtime? The lack of phone use? The reviewing of each day in the Hobonichi? The additional journalling (though I've been doing that for years)? The fact that I am playing more guitar, and almost sort of improving little by little (even though I haven't noticed any improvement)? I don't know, but life is sort of alright at the moment. Even if I feel often tired and lethargic (maybe vitamin D deficiency, not sure); even if I loathe the fact that every day is the same: every day is a very slight improvement on the last.

Isn't that odd? I loathe the very thing I desire. Still, I know that it's good to take each day as it comes. If each day is precious, how fantastic might the sum of the days be!

Bologna: Fourth Day

Tue, 15 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000

(Day 11 of #100DaysToOffload)

I've, by virtue (or vice) of not setting an an alarm, gotten up very late today. When I woke up it was already gone half nine, and after I've (quite lazily, or laxly) showered and dressed myself, as well as transferred photos from my camera to my phone for my family to see, it is now approaching eleven, and I feel as if I've sort of squandered the day if I want to go to Florence. Thinking for instance, that it will take me half an hour to walk, forty minutes on the train... So I won't be in Florence until around one or later say, and then I haven't got much time. I'll do Florence tomorrow as a result, and go to the station for about nine (wake up at seven or so).

Lunch

I just walked about a bit, still feeling a bit tender... then I went back to a place I've already been once for lunch. I just had a pizza marinara and sorbetto for the dolce (dessert). I ventured out with what little Italian I tried and said 'pago venti' (I pay twenty) which is almost certainly unfluent but did the job to give a tip. Things are so cheap here... Well, some things are at least.

When I got back to the hotel, there was a new person behind the desk and I asked for my keys: I have been meaning to say it in Italian for a while but have stuck with English, but will try from now on to say Italian. She was struggling to find the keys, and I wanted to say 'to the right' but didn't have the words. It would just be 'a destro' and I probably should have known that... (dexter in Latin).

Dinner

I didn't do much for the rest of the day, and then searched about for dinner. In the end, I went to the Chinese down (I think) Via de Giudei. I ate spaghetti with vegetables (con verdure). It actually had egg in it, which I could have expected given it was a Chinese, but it didn't mention it anywhere. Oh well. I also had a cocktail whilst there; the food, cocktail, and water altogether still only came to EUR18. Food is quite cheap, here, isn't it? In fact, EUR6 for a cocktail is really good as well. In London they are about £10 generally.

Weeknotes 2025-W14

Wed, 16 Apr 2025 00:00:00 +0000

(I'm writing these weeknotes a good week late, and so I can't really remember what I did... it'll be a running theme)

Monday 31th March

I have no idea what I did. I did start to write my tasks list though, which is a fairly helpful way of managing what I need to do, at the back of my notepad.

Tuesday 1st April

After work, I went to the opera house to see Turandot. It was really good. I did not realise it was where Nessun dorma comes from.

I had dinner at a place I didn't been to before, called Fatto a mano. It was really good! (I didn't realise it was a chain)

Wednesday 2nd April

In the evening I sorted out my laptop for some space so I could install Monster Hunter: World again.

Thursday 3rd April

I felt horrible because I stayed up too late clearing the space on the laptop. I have no idea what I did though.

Friday 4th April

I got a few things done, like booking a show with a friend of mine in June, made my laptop turn off at 21.30 automatically with a cronjob (so that I don't stay up too late on tech) that kind of thing.

Saturday 5th April

I did quite a lot of gardening. I sowed leek, tomatoes, carrot, polyanthus and did a fair bit of work on weeding the allotment.

I also booked in Les Mis and Phantom of the Opera for later in the year.

Sunday 6th April

I did some more work on the allotment, packed to leave for the Watford temple, and also finished up some work that I had left to do (a couple of hours in the evening).

50 in 50: What are my favourite books and why?

Tue, 13 May 2025 00:00:00 +0000

Actually, I have been meaning for a good while to put a page on the website which tells of my favourite books, so this is actually a really good opportunity!

I'll limit this post to five books for brevity's sake.

Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance

This I have to say is one of my favourite books of all time; generally, it acts as a fantastic leap from general "agnostic spirituality" to a better conception of the absolute (or, Quality, as referenced in the book).

I have read it a mere three times, and always want to read it again. I actually haven't read it for a while, and would like to, to rejig it in my head.

Lila, the sequel, I disagree with, and the book generally makes for a fairly dull read (for example, I don't believe I agree with the separation between static and dynamic Quality). Still, if reading ZAMM, Lila is also worthwhile reading.

The Monk

By Matthew Lewis, this book tells of the descent of a monk Ambrosio into sin. Initially beginning with the fairly tame sin of allowing a girl into the monastery, by the end of the book Ambrosio has racked up sorcery, rape, incest, paedophilia, kidnap, murder...

In the end (spoilers!) he, in terror of the approaching guards, agrees to sell his soul to the Devil for freedom from the cell. Yet: the Devil, upon freeing him, alerts him that the guards were coming to pardon him; yet further, Ambrosio only agreed with the Devil to the freed from the cell, and not to be truly free... He is then dropped from the sky and dies slowly, with crows pecking his eyes out for six days until his eventual death...

It is a strange book. However, I love it for the message about sin: the Devil's work may have wages, but it certainly never pays.

Small is Beautiful

Honestly, I could have put any of Schumacher's books here. Good Work is a fantastic treatise of what constitutes... good work. A Guide for the Perplexed actually complements ZAMM quite well, introducing a similar hierarchy (it must have been a zeitgeisty concept around that era) and, in particular, introducing the incredible concept of adaequatio.

However, on a more practical level, I feel Small is Beautiful is probably his best work. Despite the name, it actually deals more with things that are scale appropriate, decrying the obsession with expanding things to be ever larger and larger, irrespective of whether such size is actually more efficient, or more appropriate given the context. We have this problem everywhere in the world: huge operations to deal with the fallout of other similarly huge operations, where we would do much better to simply operate on a smaller, more local scale.

The book (as the author himself acknowledges) is somewhat misnamed. Better would be something like Size-appropriate is Beautiful, but that isn't as catchy...

Ada or Ardor

Again, it is hard to go wrong with just about any Nabokov. Nabokov's Dozen is a brief, but extremely pleasant, introduction to his writing: right from the first sentence it is incredible. Lolita is of course very famous, and well written, but far from his best I would say. Pale Fire is a fascinating take on story-writing, unique in that it is written through the medium of an analysis of a 999-line poem.

Yet, if I had to give one that stands out, it would be Ada or Ardor. This book exemplifies Nabokov's rather captivating but rather uncomfortable writing perfectly. In fact, it is really hard to say what it is about. The main story is about one Van Veen and his relationship with his sister Ada (ardor and arbors) - this, however, does the writing of the book no good. It really has to be read to be appreciated.

What I find absolutely incredible about Nabokov's writing is that it can be so poetic that one doesn't realise what is being told until reflection after the fact. For instance, one chapter (early on - I believe some sixty pages in) depicts, essentially, Van and Ada playing a "game" with Ada's younger sister where they tie her to a tree, and then leave to go have sex - the sister is supposed to try to escape, and much to their chagrin, she succeeds in it. It is thoroughly weird - and yet, in the pure poetry of Nabokov's prose, it seems greater than it is, I suppose. It's very hard to describe, and definitely not to everybody's tastes - you have to somewhat suspend disgust a little with his writing, and focus on the sheer quality of the prose - but the quality of the prose is undoubtable.

1177 B.C.: The Year Civilization Collapsed

This book is very interesting mainly as it shows the parallels of the civilization of this time with the civilization that we have now. It shows how deeply interconnected were the civilisations of that time, with extensive trade between different nations. It shows how these civilisations faltered, partly through their interdependence and also through a complex series of factors, such as drought, natural disaster, and the appearance of a certain Sea Peoples, who may very well not have been so malevolent as otherwise implied.

A joyful read of the historical record of this time, with fascinating notes passed between rulers of the various nations, giving a humanity to people otherwise too temporally and socially removed from ourselves as to be thought of in any other way than conceptually.

Mandolin

Sat, 27 Sep 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I've been playing mandolin for a little under a year now. I've picked it up firstly just to try it out, and play it alongside the guitar. I soon found it more enjoyable than guitar, and have been playing it... off and on, where I've time, but fairly consistently for just under a year now. I feel I am still a beginner: techniques certainly still elude me (I haven't the ability to play a good tremolo, nor to play fast) but I can at least play.

Recently, I played at a musical get-together with my mother and some of her friends Losing my Religion. I messed it up quite badly, but found that I enjoyed to play it with the music behind me. I still made mistakes, but it felt as if there was less pressure. Oddly, I actually didn't feel emotionally nervous to play in front of others for the first time, yet clearly was, as my hands were trembling and sweating.

I'm trying to learn to read music now, and to learn a few more pieces. It's been very slow going: I've spent months on Losing my Religion and have gone through some emotional turmoil with it. My left thumb gets tight and restricts my playing, and the pain can at times be so unbearable I cannot move my left hand altogether. I get very demotivated. I think this is where I am putting too much pressure in and not assuming a good form, which will of course come with time. The B (?) chord (0-2-5-4 from the E to the G string) often sounds hollow somehow. It sounds trifling, and yet it can be difference between me being satisfied and happy, or me curling up into bed and holding back tears.

I've also realised, gradually, that the mandolin sounds different to me playing it than it does to others hearing it. I hear mistakes physically, and suffer a great pain whenever one occurs; when hearing, the mistakes are often non-audible, and pauses are far less agonising. Many chords that sound unpleasant to my ears are thoroughly joyful to hear for others. Recording myself play, and listening to myself as if I were another has helped this dramatically. I hear it as music, and not as a sin.

I think that I am somewhat past the unpleasant stage, this thoroughly unpleasant first year, where I am simply sitting in my room denouncing myself for my hideous inability. My ability itself has not changed dramatically, yet I am now at the stage where I simply want to play. Of course, I may not manage to play every day: I am quite busy with many things, but I do manage to play at times, and that is all I need. I feel good when I play now.

I think also, what helps is to play pieces that sound good regardless of the skill(lessness) of the player. J.S. Bach's Cello Suite in G Major sounds beautiful, and is fairly easy to play. Even making mistakes, or having unfortunate timing or pauses cannot stop the piece from being beautiful. I am finding that classical pieces are considerably easier to play, and are far more beautiful, or melodic, really, for it. Perhaps it is also that I am used to the style of music, and find it to be sensibly pleasing.

As far as the website goes, I've mentioned the mandolin a little bit, but not a lot. I wrote this blog post about love thinking of the mandolin. I still cannot really say I love the mandolin, even if I certainly am infatuated. Every young love goes through difficult patches. I feel that whenever I try to force myself to play mandolin, I find myself resenting it. Yet, I always go back to it eventually. This is the same as any relationship. With family, or friends, or a partner, you need periods away from them as well as periods with them. You also cannot schedule time with them: you may end up forced to associate with them when you would rather do anything but! Instead, the realisation of this love comes from always returning to them at some point, even if the time spent away from them is concerningly long.

I think I will try to, at some point, upload some recordings of my playing the mandolin. Really, I want it simply to have something to look back on. This first year has been solitary and quiet, and I have regarded my playing as something even I should not hear; I now want to begin to hear the sound. Love is devotional service, yes; love is also reciprocated. To deny the pleasures afforded by love is also not love, even if these pleasures are not the love itself.

Media minimalism

Sun, 05 Jan 2025 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 63 of #100DaysToOffload)

Media minimalism: I think it might be useful for me to practise it. I already do to an extent: I don't have a huge amount of media anymore, really only the amount that is necessary to get what I want, plus a little bit of extra. I find that there are a few channels that I do enjoy to watch, but they don't really help me: Brodie Robertson for instance, makes videos I enjoy to watch, but I don't think I benefit from them. Self-improvement podcasts I listen to a lot as well, but I feel as if I gain something by them.

Really, I am not sure on the nature of what I should do in terms of media. Engaging in media relating to urban planning has made me notice how terrible the urban planning in England is (too many cars, too little infrastructure). Yet, I have not engaged in media relating to say, economics, which if I had I would be able to get a lens on it that way, e.g. we have poor infrastructure due to the government paying off debts, and that is due to councils funds being slashed etc.

Yet, does it help me to know all this? I guess I know I want to move to Europe anyways, and seeing the poor state of the UK from an urban planning point of view elucidates that a little; even from a financial point of view it would do that. Yet, I am still not able to move to Europe, really, so I think I don't actually benefit from it.

So, in essence, I don't think even that benefits me. Perhaps I need to, instead of accepting the media passively (of course, I do search it out; but I don't search it out like I want to do something for my lats, what good exercises are there, but instead like oh, I wonder if Not Just Bikes has uploaded anything new?. In other words, I am almost more interested in the media itself, and the fact of it being media, as opposed to actual the content. As in, he could speak about anything and I'd listen, because I just want something to learn, or to hear. Here's an aside:

There are active, and "passive" versions of certain verbs, for instance listen (with attention, rapture) and hear. Likewise, look, and see. Even an active verb can have this: for instance to talk, chatter (without sense) and to speak, state, avow (with purpose). Learn is a verb that doesn't have different versions like this, yet there is two types of learning. Actively trying to acquire knowledge, for instance studying, or practising guitar, or seeking out a new way of doing x, and just passively taking in little facts or whatever. Perhaps it's important to make sure, for good benefit, to try to strive for active everything.) [this continues the previous paragraph, btw] make sure that any media I take in (and there certainly will be some) is taken in actively in that sense. I don't think active is the right word: of course, there are active in the sense of performed (not passive) actions, so I guess it would be better to say that I do everything with intention.

For instance, at the moment, I have Chris Williamson interviewing Visakan Veerasamy on the right, and the blog writing on the left. Perhaps I should just do the one thing, and ensure that it is focussed. If it is intake of media, that should be the only one thing I focus on. If it is production, then naturally I just focus on that.

So maybe media minimalism isn't the goal. The goal is to ensure that all the media that I do consume is intentional. Not just media for the sake of media. Not even things that are useful.

(Weirdly, I get a feeling - it's similar to the feeling of a druggy being denied his vice - when I think, for instance, that I shouldn't anymore watch Not Just Bikes. That is probably a giveaway that watching that channel (and no disrespect to the channel, as it is good) is probably become a vice.

Then, there is another [I really need to stop continuing brackets over multiple paragraphs] question: can I enjoy it as a treat? Like a sweet, or a thing to relax over. I guess I don't see why not; but then again, there is also the idea that if I am serious about the goals that I want to achieve, I wouldn't engage in that. I had a few (maybe seven in total) sweets today, for instance. I could well say, that if I were more serious about my weight loss, and my muscle gains, I wouldn't do this at all: I would just take the calorie deficit, or if I really need the calories would each protein/fat not refined carbs. I suppose what it is, is that I have the seriousness about the topic in the sense of the depressive tendency, but I don't have the seriousness in terms of acting in such a way as to ensure that I don't sabotage (even in a small way) the things that I am trying to achieve. So, I suppose that's a learning point for me. I need to cut out the sweets altogether: I can't even just have a little bit. If I am really serious (the term comes about because I have this on in the background), then I shouldn't self-sabotage at all. I have to try as consistently hard as I can. I can narrow the fields of concern: urban planning doesn't belong. Linux drama doesn't belong. Maybe even self-improvement stuff doesn't belong. Maybe I should say this:

I am focussing solely on guitar, mandolin, allotment, study, and my health. Little else belongs.

)

(As an aside (and I promise this is the last bracket), this is actually long enough it could count as a wv! I'll still keep it on the blog, though.)

Disarray

Fri, 01 Nov 2024 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 26 of #100DaysToOffload)

It seems like disarray sort of piles up. For instance, my sleep has been really bad recently. I have not been sleeping well at night (getting sometimes only five or so hours) often because of my own fault (poor discipline). As a result of being tired I am sleeping more on the trains to and from work, or sleeping in of a morning (as I did today) instead of going to the gym. As a result, I am falling behind in terms of the reading opportunities I am getting, or the gym (and I need to be going to the gym now - I am trying to lose fat on a calorie deficit so need to make sure I don't also lose muscle) and am not performing as well as I would like generally.

(My sleep was actually so bad recently that I ended up falling asleep and almost missing my stop, on a day where I had arranged to meet up with a friend. Normally my body clock wakes me up two stops before mine. If it weren't for a kind man waking me up before my stop, I would have found myself at the end of the line!)

It seems that disarray seems to accumulate in that way. First the sleep goes. Then performance in other areas begins to go. Then self-doubt kicks in, or a loatheness to do anything. And all this seems to just reinforce itself...

It is the downward spiral.

To remedy it, there is a certain action that needs to be forced, for instance forcing an early bedtime. But then gradually, because of that, everything else will start to fall into its place as well. I'll have more energy to do things on the train. I'll feel more confident with the progress I am making. And all this seems to just reinforce itself...

It is an upward spiral.

This is another reason why I think thousands is a good way to track things. If you get into a rut for a few days or a week or a month or two and don't make any progress: that's fine. Just do it once again, and the 'last updated' goes to the most recent day: you're immediately back on track. No need to wallow in the past: just start against and pick up progress.

Weeknotes 2025-W09

Mon, 03 Mar 2025 00:00:00 +0000

Another week, and another week where I say "it wasn't my best week".

I had really had screentime this week - I don't know why, it must be a stress thing or to do with a return to bad habits.

Monday

On Monday, I had a very busy day, as I had to get shopping from two different shops (Aldis, and Sainsburys) to be able to make lunch during the week. During lunch I walked up to Aldis, and had to lug all my shopping back in my backpack, convinced it was actually so heavily that it would break it.

In the evening I saw my mate and we played Brawlhalla as is custom.

Tuesday

Work was excruciatingly boring because of the task we were doing. I think I ended up dissociating during the task. At one point, I said to my colleague who I was doing it with, "you've got to take pain now for pleasure later", which was how my tired brain formulated "pains now for gains later".

Wednesday

I saw Il Trovatore in the evening. It was one of the bench seats up the top: it didn't have the best view, mainly as the railing blocked the show. A lot of people there were from the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine (LSHTM), and so I got asked a couple times "are you LSHTM?". A tutor there likes the opera, I found out, and so regularly invites the college to get tickets to shows. I got chatting to the guy to my right, who worked in gynaecology and obstetrics. The girl to my left was visibly yawning in the first half, and then just disappeared during the interval. It was a really good performance though, and I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Thursday

I have literally no notes on what happened on Thursday and can't even remember.

Friday

We went to the comedy club to see some fairly small comedians. One was sort of intentionally awkward but a bit funny, the second was... fairly standard and not my type, and the third played a sort of comedian was extremely funny. I decided to add updating /thousands and /now to my list of monthly tasks so they don't get out of date like they have.

Saturday

I got up really late as I went to bed really late. We had an Indian at a new place in the evening, which was really good.

Sunday

I went to the cafe to study, and then came home and did some work in the garden. Planted out a pinkcurrant, some lilies, potted up some strawberries, tidied up a bed for spring, etc.

Fast deciding, slow orienting

Sun, 26 Jan 2025 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 78 of 100DaysToOffload)

I think there is a long period of figuring out exactly where in life you want to be, and what are the means of producing happiness in the self. I'm not sure if it is the same for everyone: typically, I suppose, arete, and virtue, and vice, all seem to be correlated with particular activities, and so are in a sense deontological. However, if all humans are the same fundamentally, perhaps it is true that there are given actions (and their associated contexts) which are either virtuous or vicious...

Regardless, what is longer is the orienteering process. I could know that I should eat in a particular way, and that eating certain foods make me feel good and others make me feel bad, and that certain actions that I do make me feel bad, and then... I go and do them again.

That is the orienteering process. There is a bit of a separation between cognizance of an idea, and the subsequent urge (urgent) to get it done. People can want to stop drinking for years before they do, and often once they do, it's immediate: something has "flipped" in their mind.

The orienteering process takes longer. Maybe orienting is more accurate, or implementing, or realising.

The thing I wonder is: how long does it take? I suppose it can take a very long time, or it can be very quick. Almost, it depends upon from where you start to measure.

I think the reason why I want to read more philosophy to better systematise my ideas. I don't know if that is the right way. It might be pleasing to me, but if philosophy is for happiness, then there is a problem there.

I almost sort of know what I want to do, and the general life I want to lead. I just don't always do it. Maybe ultimately it's a matter of time: you can provide the right conditions for a plant to grow from a seed, but you still need to give it a season or two.

Weeknotes 2025-W06

Tue, 11 Feb 2025 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 94 of 100DaysToOffload, and my weeknotes for 2025-02-03 to 2025-02-09)

For most of the week I didn't really do much, so I won't labour the week.

Saturday

We took the train up to Okehampton, and then managed to get a bus to the pub. We were the only people there, and the hosts, Keith and John, are absolutely lovely.

Sunday

Also in Devon, we got treated to a trip round Holsworthy and Bude in Keith's Tesla, and then went to the shops, and I did a bit of study in the afternoon prepping for the test on Monday...

50 in 50: What societal problems is my region known for, and do they affect me?

Sun, 01 Jun 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I live in the UK. I am not really sure what societal problems the UK is known for, so I'll list out a couple I think are the case.

Drinking

In the UK we are known to be fairly heavy binge-drinkers, though I think it's the case all over the west. It doesn't really affect me, or most of my generation, I think. I can drink quite well in moderation.

Repressed

I think there is a bit of a stereotype about Brits that we are repressed, and I honestly do think there is an element of truth to that. We are far quieter, more reserved, than other cultures are. It affects me too; I tend to be quiet and keep to myself a bit, though that is partly also just me.

Old man hobbies

Fri, 31 Oct 2025 00:00:00 +0000

A lot of my hobbies are what I like to call old man hobbies. In fact, I quite often say that I am an old man in the body of a young man, or words to that effect. I think just by the phrase old man hobbies it's easy to work out what these are, but it is things like:

Gardening

Playing music

Listening to music (classical or the like)

Swimming

Learning a language

Cooking

Golf

etc.

Basically, things that are slow, quite dull, and don't provide an immediate benefit.

There are more of course. Some are maybe traditionally old woman hobbies, like knitting, or crocheting.

Compare these to young man hobbies. These might be:

Drinking

Clubbing

Raving

Listening to music (like going to concerts)

Video games

Sex or pornography

Now, do I do some of these young man hobbies too? Of course! I go out drinking at times after work. If the night is a heavy one, I'll go along to the club (though frankly, I don't like clubs all that much). I've taken up going to raves and greatly enjoy it. I play video games with a friend of mine for a few hours most weeks. I'm going to a concert next week.

What is the main difference between these? Well, often it's a matter of where the pleasure lies, and how much energy it takes. In fact, some of these have old man and young man versions. For instance, take the hobby of sitting in a church and listening to classical music, a typical old man hobby. How does this contrast with the young man hobby of going to a concert?

One is generally seated, the other often standing.

One is relaxed and slow, the other often faster.

One often involves heavy use of alcohol or other substances, the other doesn't or has minimal use (maybe a glass of wine).

Often, one gives pleasure in the moment and the other gives pleasure down the line.

Now, of course, there are other old man hobbies I don't have. Cruise ships springs to mind, and frankly it's probably just because I don't have the money.

Why old man hobbies?

I think fundamentally, it comes down to how they make a person happy. Going out for a rave is fun in the moment - six or eight hours of getting copiously drunk, dancing around and enjoying oneself. Afterwards, though, it doesn't feel all that great. Basically the whole next day often has to be written off due to lack of sleep and the recovery from the alcohol. A young body can handle this better than an older body, but it still isn't a pleasant process for anybody.

Compare this to: some classical music at lunchtime, and a nice early bedtime. You have admittedly less fun in the moment, but then you still get to enjoy tomorrow. Overall, the enjoyment is likely similar. Instead of a ten on day one and a zero on day two, you get a five on both days. Both lead to ten.

Another point is that as humans we try to optimise for pleasure. We want our lives to feel enjoyable. Surely, a person with seventy years on them has done a better job of finding longer lasting pleasure than one with twenty? Just by the sheer number of years of experience.

So, at the moment, whilst I do have young man hobbies as well, I like to try to spend a good deal of my time on old man hobbies. Actually, this means that to an extent I spend a good deal of my time with older men and women. The mandolin group I recently joined is almost all older men and women. The opera house I like to attend is frequented by the elderly. Really, I actually find older people far more enjoyable to talk to as well, as compared to the young. Such a wealth of experience, and always such humility.

If you want to be happy, be old.

Finding the perfect system

Sat, 18 Jan 2025 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 72 of #100DaysToOffload)

I spend too much time thinking of what could be the perfect system. I have this idea in my head that if I only find the perfect system of tracking, and of points-scoring, and of understanding my concerns, that I might be more productive. The thing I don't realise as much is, I stress myself out over it a lot. I have had a tight chest the past week, and though it could be relating to the fact that I have had arrythmias re-appear this past week (possibly a byproduct of eating six bulbs of garlic last weekend), I think the tightness is psychological. Or, stress induced. Or, something in between.

Nulla est homini causa philosophandi nisi ut beatus sit. The system is to try to find that which is superlatively productive, yet I always stumble across the same problems: work is a detractor, socialising is not deemed productive in the system. Everything becomes goal, or progress oriented. Nothing can be for its own sake.

I've adopted something bad for myself, I feel. I felt a severe depression earlier this winter. It's a little better now, but there is now the tightness in my chest. I think it all points to stress, and I can't pin it all on work.

I don't need a perfect system. I just want it. Instead, I should just try to enjoy what I have. Maybe I'll be a little happier, beatitudinal.

Growing desires

Fri, 21 Feb 2025 00:00:00 +0000

Today and yesterday, I've been struck with an inclination to learn Finnish. I don't actually know why. I've wanted to learn it for a while now, but I've got languages I'm studying already. I am studying Italian, and want to pick up on Japanese again, as well as keep up with the German. It's difficult to limit my desires which keep on growing.

When I was younger, and learning languages a bit more often, I would always want to learn loads of languages. Finnish was one, but also: Icelandic, Turkish, Kazakh, Armenian, Georgian, Basque, Abkhazian, ... I started a little on many of them, and even some others, like Russian, etc. And I learnt Norwegian and Polish for several years before dropping them, and have since started learning and dropped Latin too.

I sort of end up getting this desire to try them out, even just to do it as an act of leisure. Yet, I know that even this "leisure" comes at the cost of actually doing the thing I want to. As in, if I'm currently studying Italian, then why would I spend my spare time studying Finnish instead of Italian?

I know I shouldn't jump too much from one thing to the other, but take one thing at a time and commit to it. Sometimes it's really difficult to do that, though!

Blog Update (2)

Thu, 20 Feb 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I've rethemed the website! The purple theme that I was using, which was the Aura theme by Dalton Menezes, had been used for a bit too long, and I don't think it really suited the website. So, I replaced it with the colours from the citruszest theme, which I think looks a lot nicer. I also sorted out the title so there is a separator between it and the blog, and the h1 is a little bigger (1.35em instead of 1.1em) which makes it stand out a little more.

I also added into the kmd script, the ability for a fourth line to be added underneath the title, date, and tags, which is a summary line. Another time, I'll change the index pages to show these where they exist, and change it from a simple (and slightly ugly) table layout.

I'm pleased with how it looks. I wish I had taken a before and after snapshot to show it here... I don't version the site either with Git anymore, so it's difficult to revert to the previous version to see. Oh well, next time.

I've also added a few things behind the scenes, like Open Graph references etc. I plan to do more of this, e.g. implement IndieWeb standards, like h-card etc., over time. It's not too pressing for me, though.

Compression is utterly magical

Sat, 01 Mar 2025 00:00:00 +0000

(I'm not sure whether to release this blog post on 2025-03-01 or 2025-03-02 - as I write it's the 2nd, but it's because it's only just gone midnight. Really, I should be in bed right now. Oh, also, this is entry 4 of 200DaysToOffload)

I have been looking at the 512kb club website, and wondered quickly what size my website was. It's just text and an image, so it can't be that big, right?

It was 1.5MB downloaded. Oh no.

Inspecting it with the Network tab under Inspect, there were two files that were the culprits: the image of myself on the homepage, and the font.

The image of me was in JPG, and was actually already ensmallened (not a word) a bit from the original. It is 991kb: I clearly need to lose some weight. The font, EB Garamond, was in TTF format and was 561kb.

I decided to go full modern-day on the JPG, and convert it into this fancy fandangled new format called "Web P". I'm not sure what the P is for. I apparently already had libwebp installed, so I used cwebp to generate the photo. With the default compression applied (which is, granted, quite noticeable) it gets it down to 36kb. A full 955kb (almost a megabyte) saved just from that alone.

Unfortunately, the 561kb font was still prohibiting me from actually being less than 512kb, and so preventing me from joining the club and being cool and having friends.

The font file is in an archaic format, invented in 1941 by Alan Turing, called TTF. This is short for "TTF Type Font". It was used to display messages encoded by the Enigma machine.

I decided again to join the modern day, and utilise a font format which is so new it is still considered unstable. It is called "WOFF2", which stands for "Web-Only Font Format 2". Under section 14 article 6 of the EU Web Font Directive, passed into UK law in 2022 due to clerical error where it was missed that the UK is no longer a member of the European Union, and so is no longer compelled to implement directives, it is a crime punishable by a fine of up to £2500 or a six-month prison sentence to use the WOFF2 format outside of the contexts of a website or a spider's nest.

I initially downloaded a program here, compiled it with `make`, and converted it. The resultant font file, however, was in WOFF1! And, it was still 224kb! Borderline criminal. So, I installed webfont-kit-generator, and created a WOFF2 format from that. In two files (one for Latin, and the other Latin extended) it produced WOFF2 files totalling 59k. Very nice!

With that, I now have a website that in all, is only 64kb for the main page. As a result, my home page is now 96 percent smaller! And, essentially all I have done is compress two assets.

Using psychology

Mon, 03 Mar 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I'm trying recently to use psychology to my benefit. I generally think that too much psychological knowledge can actually cause, or exacerbate, the existing problem, by way of giving it a name that can then be subscribed to. For instance, if you think you are an introvert, you can end up acting in that way (avoiding people, not overcoming social struggles, etc.) because well, I'm an introvert.

However, in the past few weeks I've been trying to look at myself through a psychological lens, and I think it probably does me a lot of good. For instance, I've been looking at the attachment styles, and have sort of found out that I am somewhere between avoidant and fearful-avoidant. I've also been thinking about the crushes that I've ended up with, which are essentially limerent experiences. That in combination with the holdover social anxiety I had, which I call social malaise...

I think it is useful to use these terms, but it doesn't help me just to say, "well, I'm fearful-avoidant". What I think is useful, and I'm still not all the way through it, is to try to tackle it on many levels. For instance, if I have this problem, I can both try to recognise the thinking that goes into it and overcome it, be aware of when I experience associated phenomena (for example, what I call trance, which is essentially dissociation), and tackle it from a neurophysiological way (for instance, using meditation to try to strengthen specific parts of the mind that may be "weak" in me). Essentially, use the knowledge of psychology, alongside general introspection, to work out what might be a useful next step forward, instead of either a confirmation and affirmation of my present state, or as a stick to beat myself with.

Bologna: Second Day

Sun, 13 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000

(Day 9 of #100DaysToOffload)

It's the second day today, and I've returned back to the hotel at about four again for a bit of rest before I go out in the evening.

I mostly spent the day touring the town. I took a few photos of the main places but not very many - I don't want to be that kind of tourist in a way. I suppose I am practising a kind of "photo minamalism" whilst here, to contrast other holidays where I think I take too many...

Morning

I got up around half nine, and went to a little place which if memory serves was called Cappelli for breakfast, down Via de Giudei. I had a nice salad with and put quite a lot of olive oil and balsamic on it! It tasted lovely, though I was struggling to finish it with fullness. I then walked about a bit, but went into a museum with many Christian artifacts, mainly as I needed the toilet. I looked about that for a while (there was a large cart in the final room) then left again, toured about a bit, got an ice cream from the Gelateria Gianni (lemon and something that tasted like strawberry) and toured about a bit. I stopped in a church at some point, where there was Sunday service. I listened (but did not understand) and prayed a little.

Lunch

Again I walked about a bit more, until I came to a pizza place... I should have noted the names down. I had a pizza mediterranea (red onion and olive) and a mango sorbet for dessert.

And I kept on walking around some more! I went past the outskirts of the main city, where the traffic-free zone has ended, and it is... less pleasant. The roads are incredibly wide, and whilst I am still impressed the good cycling infrastructure, dedicated bus lanes, etc. it is still just a lot less nice than being in a pedestrian area.

Dinner

For dinner, I popped into a little place on Via Altabella... I think it was. Or one of the side streets. I had a maccheroni with tomato and basil. I had a bit of a tired moment where I was trying to say that the maccheroni was mine (he brought out two dishes) and ended up worrying the staff I was about to complain because I couldn't think of the word 'maccheroni'. Sono idiota. They also gave me bread and olive oil and balsamic vinegar - I probably had my days worth of calories just in the olive oil for that bread (pouring huge amounts of oil onto my plate then mopping it up with the bread). But, I really do like the fact that I get given olive oil wherever I go here. I wish we had that back home...

After this I pretty much just went back, did some light exercises (as a part of the new additions to /thousands) and my drawing for the day, and went to bed.

50 in 50: Are you an early or late adopter of technology?

Mon, 19 May 2025 00:00:00 +0000

... A non-adopter?

I'm happy with the technology that I already have, if I am honest. I don't really care for the latest quote-unquote advancements, that nowadays seem to always involve a hefty trade-off too. For instance, my phone is the (now old) Samsung S9+. That actually in itself has trade-offs from a previous phone I had before that, the S4 mini, in that it is way too big and doesn't have a removable back cover.

If I wanted to update to modern models, I would gain a few things that are ... cool, I guess? Like 120Hz panels, whatever resolution modern phones have (the S9+ is 1440p), that sort of thing. But: there would be a lot of things I'd lose. I would lose the 3.5mm earphone jack (honestly: it would be better if this were standardised to be USB, but having it is still better than not having it), I would lose SD card support, I would (probably) lose the ability to flash a custom ROM, root it, etc. Even the features, like the better resolution, are bad in a way: honestly I feel like the increased resolution and refresh rate is just another way to make the phone more addicted.

Similarly, computers. My laptop is pretty old, and the specs are not great. I actually would like to improve it a bit, for instance, get 16GB or 32GB of RAM instead of just 8GB (which, even on Linux is a bit low), or get a better GPU or CPU. But: I am not so fussed about getting the latest CPU, as they don't change all that much nowadays from year to year. I just want something that can manage my workload.

Similarly, software. I don't care for AI, or that kind of thing. What I do think is fun to adopt is the language choice: I have spent a fair deal of time playing about with Zig, which is a new language (2015, iirc) and it has a fair deal of things that are advantageous over C. With C++, I think that using the latest standard is good to do. Improvements are made in the latest versions of software.

It is just that generally, I don't think that new technology (like all the AI nonsense) actually adds a great deal. When it comes to computers, essentially everything we need is already there: software is a solved problem.

Blog Update (1)

Sat, 23 Nov 2024 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 44 of #100DaysToOffload)

I don't really know what to call this, so I'll just call it a blog update. Meta-information about the blog, and all that.

jezup moved to kmd

I was using a quick script written in Odin to get the Markdown-like syntax of my blog entries into the HTML for the website, which I had called jezup (the name comes from Mark and Jez from Peep Show, and up instead of down) to a new script written in Zig doing... essentially the same thing, but with less allocations. I'm really not that good at programming and don't do it enough, but I've gotten it done at least, if with a compromise. There are now five allocations in the program instead of the two that I wanted. Hey ho. Kmd, the new script, is short for kinda Markdown.

The good part is, that finally hyperlinks actually work - I hadn't implemented them in jezup, but they are in kmd.

a kind of problem

Many of the files are in plain HTML files that are copied over (where there is Javascript or things that don't work well in the script) and the rest are in plaintext which is converted. The problem is, if I update the template file (as I just did for the header) it doesn't update the rest of the files. I'll need to figure out a way to do it.

50 in 50: How do you like to watch movies?

Thu, 22 May 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I don't tend to watch movies much at all. I do have a few I still want to watch, like the Studio Ghiblis, and maybe things like 28 Days Later, but generally I don't watch much. Whenever I do, it's been cusheled up in bed (note: I don't think cusheled is a word; I feel like I may have combined cushion and German kuscheln into some strange new word) with a cup of hot chocolate.

In terms of the medium, I prefer them as mp4 so I can just play with mpv. I don't stream, and (much as it would be fun to) I don't have a collection of physical media.

I am definitely now a theatre-goer. Opera is my major thing, and I'm trying to branch out into ballet and musical, too. For now though, I love love love opera and go basically any chance I get at this moment in time.

Habits

Tue, 26 Nov 2024 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 47 of #100DaysToOffload)

I made a massive dinner tonight. Fairly healthy: I had boiled leek, parsnip, carrot alongside buckwheat and quinoa. Plus three sausage rolls.

It was a huge dinner. It took me an hour and a half to eat it all. I started quickly and it got very slow after a while.

It got me thinking: I made the dinner myself, and so I prepared every part of it. I took the leek (which was about 2/3 of the full leek) and cut all of it, to eat. I poured wantonly the buckwheat and quinoa out - it ended up quite a lot. And so, I ended up with a huge dinner. I could have put it in the fridge right, after I had eaten half? Well, no, I didn't. I ate it all tonight.

This has been a habit of mine for a while. I made meals that are too big, and then eat the entire thing. Probably I ate 1800 kcal at that meal.

Habits are very difficult to break. If I want to lose weight (which I do) I need to focus on changing my habits. The things I do without even thinking. Like how I just grabbed the leek and cut the whole remaining leek up without thinking, and then had to eat it. Instead, I could just... use less leek.

But, once habits are changed (and it takes a while) it is amazing the difference. I used to eat all sorts of junk food and sugar and unhealthy stuff. I wasn't very healthy. I'm still not, but there's a major difference in how I eat. I eat far more healthily now (with some exceptions) and I don't really have to think about it - it just happens.

Building good habits seems like a pretty good idea.

Dating Apps (Part Two)

Sat, 14 Jun 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I've now been using dating apps for some month and a half. I wrote my thoughts - which were not especially positive - when I first started end of April. I have been using them every day, but not paying for them - instead, I have just used the free likes that one gets each day (six for Hinge, a few more for Bumble).

Neither are especially fun. Frankly, I find them completely tiring. I swipe every day but don't tend to get matches; I don't think my profile is especially bad. I got a match within the first day or two, with a girl who I didn't find attractive; no bother. Then within a few days with another girl, who was somewhat attractive, but who gave only one word responses, so I unmatched as I was getting nothing from it. My third and final match was with a girl who talked to initiate, but then took a good week to reply and finally ended up not replying. A bit of a waste of time.

The rest of it has been essentially half an hour a day lost to the dating apps, with nothing to show for it.

I feel as though it is a waste of time.

Now, potentially I might get a match maybe at some point in the future through it, and the conversation will be glorious and I'll have a great date with them. After 45 days that doesn't appear to be happening. It is a real drag, takes a lot of time, and doesn't give me... much in return.

On the other hand, I went to a mixer (just one). It was one evening, good fun chatting to a few people, and whilst I didn't see anyone I really wanted to ask out on a date, it was just a fun evening. I spent less time, had more fun, and frankly saw a decent few people. Plus, I end up practising actual conversation that way, not just swiping. It orients me in a better direction, and again, it is just a fun night out.

I am not sure whether I will quit dating apps. I sort of do want to. There is a slight hold to them, almost as if I am missing out on chance and opportunity by not using them. That said, if I continue to do the dating events whenever I get a chance, I am giving myself that chance and opportunity. I think that will be more fulfilling.

Confidence

I don't think my confidence has sunk by it. I believe it may do for certain people, especially if they are not already confident in themselves. I do find myself attractive (at least somewhat) and am fairly confident in myself - now, I'm not especially socially confident but I am fine with that. Dating apps have not lowered my confidence, they are just tedious, and seemingly fruitless.

What to do

I think I may as well give it up. Instead, I will put my effort and energy (and money...) into going to more in-person events (speed-dating, mixers, etc.) as I feel they are far more enjoyable, do not contribute to the use of the phone, and I imagine are more successful. I tend to get numbers every time I go to mixers, the problem being that usually it is men's numbers not women's... But I can change that easily. In person, things are a lot easier to do.

Small Moments of Terror

Wed, 30 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 25 of #100DaysToOffload)

On the train to work yesterday, I absentmindedly was looking out of the window. Approaching, yet still some way from the station (I cannot remember which, though it wasn't one of the major ones) I saw...

A pair of children's shoes, scattered amidst the stones.

One was upright; the other on its side.

For all what horror movies might try to scare, the fear is expected. It can never be so powerful an emotion when it is generated intentionally.

But to be relaxed, half-asleep even, and to look outside the window and see that...

It is truly terrifying. What could be the cause of them being there?

50 in 50: What do I like to read?

Fri, 30 May 2025 00:00:00 +0000

Mainly, I read books. I read a mix of things, used to be more non-fiction but nowadays is a lot of fiction. Generally it is a few books per month - I have the books I read listed here on my site.

I don't tend to read newsletters or magazines at all. I do read blogs but not all the time, and I don't have a great big list of people's blogs that I read. I was for a time doing a lot of reading at lunchtime at work of blogs.

Ego

Thu, 28 Nov 2024 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 48 of #100DaysToOffload)

Is it bad to have an ego?

Perhaps. I think that the problem is having an ego without having anything to deserve it by. But also, I dislike precocious people with talent as much as the next man. Humility is good in talent also.

It's worth distinguishing clearly self-confidence from ego, I suppose. A clear conception of self is helpful in having self-confidence, and knowing what one's skills are, and the limits of them, but also helpful is to know not to go on about it.

The latter point feels superficial. It is a matter of presentation, not of character, it feels like. A not-insignificant (but also not significant, Orwell!) portion of virtue seems to be aesthetic. It seems as if it's always been too easy to lie about the virtue of one's character. Likewise, faults that are evident disproportionately affect one's perceived character. I suppose, if virtue is the pursuit, then ignoring outside perception altogether is important. For instance, the great sceptic once reportedly told the king to shift left and stop blocking the sun. Is that true virtue? Would he have done the same to a pauper? Or was it for show only? Regardless, if I can know my internal character, I have some clue.

(I don't know my internal character, though. Hopefully I can come to know it.)

I don't really have a point writing this, and I'm sort of tired and out of inspiration. I'm not at the point where I deserve to have an ego yet, anyways.

Reconsidering life

Sun, 13 Apr 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I've come back from the temple today.

I feel a little bit like I want to consider the experiential factor. I have of course heard you can't take it with when you die saying, but have never really... truly considered it. I wrote recently about my relationship to money, and that I see it as something vicious, but that must nonetheless be engaged in. The temple gives me somewhat of a different experience than that. There are so many people there who have decided they will follow the temple, and will give themselves up to the temple voluntarily, without ownership and responsibility, but with all provisions of life catered for.

They have already got everything I don't have. They have freedom not to be too tightly bound to a specific way of life. They have fruitive work. They have appreciation in all the small things. For instance, one man on the challenge grew quite depressed, as his favourite pair of socks (that he was gifted from somebody) had holes in them (large enough they could not be darned). Though of course a material attachment, that kind of appreciation for an object is ... amazing.

This life doesn't do me any good. I am so bound up in it all.

I am taking away from this monk challenge (I will write up full weeknotes etc sometime - I'm a week behind anyhow) that I really need to consider having less. I think maybe even the job is non-essential. It does cause me much stress. Imagine a life where I am only employed in the good pursuits. Of course, the major difference is that I don't gain money when I am volunteering. Most expenses will of course be paid, but there will still always be some that I must pay, and those will gradually whittle my money down. Yet, would I rather be rich and unhappy, or poor and happy?

Money is the major binding factor for me. I need to consider what life would be like without caring so much on it. Maybe I could find a way for it not to be damaging to my finances. Or maybe, I just stop caring.

I'd like to be a farm hand. Why not be? I'd like to dedicate myself to learning philosophy. Why not?

Attention

Sun, 03 Nov 2024 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 28 of #100DaysToOffload)

It seems that a very important concept in the managing of any state, whether it is an allotment, a relationship, a mere conversation, the development of a skill, or whatever else, is attention. Attention, it is often said, is the modern currency, and is what every company vies for nowadays. It is not strictly about money or anything else: Facebook (formerly Meta), X (formerly Twitter), Instagram, Amazon, Youtube, Pornhub, whatever else, all just want the attention, just to serve advertisements. Yet, the importance of attention goes far beyond this...

If I tend the allotment, I might spot an interesting poppy that has sprung up by itself in a flower bed; if I hoe down the bed without paying attention, I will tear it apart and lose the seed. If I go slowly, pay attention, I will notice the plant and be able to preserve it. In fact, this has happened several times to me this year: I have noticed a poppy, and some kind of I assume helenium have sprung up on their own accord in my beds.

In a relationship, I suppose I want to find a way to synthesise all the thoughts I have about what values are necessary for a loving relationship to thrive... At the base of it all, though, surely, is attention. To one's partner, their idiosyncrasies, their mood, their weaknesses, their pleasures...

And for each of these, there is a parallel in observation of oneself to improve...

A conversation requires attention to the words of the other person, their facial expressions, their mannerisms, ... In fact, even for people who are socially awkward, there is still an attention being paid: except instead of to the other person, it is spent on one's own mannerisms, the words to choose, the identity to construct...

To a develop a skill, dedicated time is required. You can't just strum a guitar haphazardly for a few months and get good: you need to sit down, and give the instrument your full attention, for years and years...

We have a choice, not just every day, but in every action we take: where to we place our attention? On fools on TikTok or Twitter? On ourselves? On our indignation? On our right? On our failures? Or, should it be focussed elsewhere?

Focus on what you want to improve.

Theories and Uninformation

Thu, 24 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 20 of #100DaysToOffload)

There is a lot of talk nowadays about misinformation: purposeful falsehood (if maybe realistic sounding) generated spread for political reasons. But also, I think too little attention is given to another form of uninformation: theories.

The world is highly complex. We as humans cannot hope to model it in our heads, or to understand it, really. The ancients knew this: perfect knowledge is the domain of the gods, not of man. We've since forgotten this.

We as individuals form all manner of political arguments and conclusions based off speculation, and what we think would happen if x. We take singular examples and generalise them to excess. We have an opinion of a solution which we affix to whatever problem we can. Less regulation, or more, or ...

The problem with all of this is: it is so subject to interpretation. It is such a long chain of assumptions (most subconscious) that it's hard to see where it breaks. We assume that the breakage will occur to the other side: it'll happen to both.

The best chance we have of truth: of what is real, not merely realistic (cf. the distinction between natural and naturalistic) is to go by what has happened repeatedly. Not to make leaps of faith. Not to go in too strong on an idea.

Weeknotes 2025-W01

Sun, 05 Jan 2025 00:00:00 +0000

My first weeknotes of the new year! (and, entry 62 of #100DaysToOffload)

Being the new year, I have now started to use the Hobonichi Techo for a lot of my journalling. I still use a notepad as well for longer form, scruffier writing, but am sort of summarising the day in the day's entry in the Techo. Also using it to track tasks I have to do, etc.

Monday (2024-12-30)

We went out for breakfast, and then I basically spent the day studying etc., as I had it off of work as I booked in holiday.

Tuesday (2024-12-31)

I had work during the day, then I went to my grandma's for the New Year's celebrations. I know I decided on that day also to practice hara hachi bu for the new year. I got home late from the celebration - about two, and then took a while to get to sleep too.

Wednesday (2025-01-01)

I had a fairly productive day. I did ten minutes of skipping, some weights, some reading, some guitar and mando practice, and finished my module 5 for the RHS horticulture course, sending it off that evening.

Thursday (2025-01-02)

My legs ached like absolute hell on earth from the skipping (I could barely walk) and so I took a break from that. I had work anyways. I mostly read, and practised some guitar (printing off Prelude no 3 to practise on).

Friday (2025-01-03)

Work, and saw a friend online.

Saturday (2025-01-04)

A fairly productive day: I degreased and oiled my bike in the morning (first time in forever), went to my usual cafe, studied RHS (taking a mock exam), read some Sense and Sensibility, then went to go to the music shop but couldn't find it as it has moved. I wanted to buy new guitar and mando strings.

I came home, did twelve sets of weights, skipped for two minutes, ironed my shirts for work next week, practised Prelude no 3. I realise that I need to practise barre chords, as invariably the D string gets a bit muted and I've no idea how to stop it from going like that.

Sunday (2025-01-05)

I slept terribly (was still awake at about four), got up late, lazed about a bit, then got some porridge for breakfast, with some tomato soup my dad made yesterday. My sister came round and gelled my nails on my right hand: she did my left on Christmas Eve, and it's stopped me biting them to the point that now they even are developing whites - so I want the same for my strumming hand too.

I did five minutes of skipping (in three sets of about 1m30s), refactored kmd (the script for building the website) a little to improve it and dedup the code a little. I also used the examiner's notes to sort-of mark the paper I did yesterday, but for some reason they don't actually have the answers available. I'll need to do a lot more study, and I've identified some areas I could look over.

All in all

It's been a good week. I'm actually enjoying the mode of living that I have at the moment: it is slower (possibly aided by the fact of it being winter) and I am less stressed out. Work will be busy next week so maybe I won't be feeling that next week, but still I think I enjoy this way of life. Barely any phone use is amazing, and sort of relieves a pressure, or a speed, from me, I think.

I've got until the 14th when I can begin to use my phone for more than 25 minutes, but honestly I don't think I will. I really like this slow pace of life.

I'm reading more too. I'm studying (which, well, I don't really enjoy the RHS course that much, but it is good to learn. I'll be glad to be shot of it when it's over, but also it is quite nice for the moment. I just hope the exam won't be too stressful!) more, I'll probably going to make decent gains on the guitar over the course of the year. That kind of thing. And general I think I feel more well-rested in this mode of life.

This is still quite focused on productivity, which might be unhealthy. Yet, I am sort of doing things that can actually benefit me, will eventually get me where I want to be, and which, by way of being more creative, actually engender a sort of calm in me a lot of the time. We'll see how it is six months down the line. The only two blog posts I have written are about taking things day by day, and life feeling like a perpetual work-in-progress, so I think that is sort of the spirit I have at the moment. It arises from wanting to do well, and thinking I may have found a way that I can do well by, but also being tired, generally quite unhappy at the moment.

I'm hoping my sleep improves from next week when I'm forced back into the office, and have to get up six each day. Maybe I'll get a good sleep schedule again.

Ok, rambling now. Have a good one!

Blog gardening, and implicit restrictions

Thu, 07 Nov 2024 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 31 of #100DaysToOffload)

I have know of course of the concept of a blog as a garden: where, instead of a stream of entries ordered by date, there is a garden like structure: entries have reference others, to allow for following a path, almost. I am currently operating more of a tradition stream-like blog. I developed the tools with that in mind; only after I've done the work do I realise the mistake.

And then, I think of other sites which have this more desirable structure: I can then go back and feel less guilt at modifying entries I have already written, and have the blog as more of a zone where I can put out ideas I have, in the form of short, unstructured snippets, which coalesce to something greater: a blog as a series of collected thoughts. They coalesce to form the notion and ideas I entertain, and have entertained (inherently mixed into the present is the past).

Rather separately, I notice that I have implicit restrictions in my mind. I did not think, the whole time I was building the scripts for the website in this way, that I should consider a different structure to the traditional stream.

When writing Zig recently too, I was struggling with a programming problem. I cannot not get std.mem.replace() to perform multiple replaces all at once using the same allocated space. Probably on me, but also, I have realised that I tend to program strictly on my own. I rarely communicate it with anyone. In fact, I used to avoid even getting too involved with SQL at work, despite my love for it (though temptation, and the needs of the job, have now gotten the best of me, which makes me enjoy the job more in turn). This is an implicit restriction: I lived by it without knowing it had been (self)imposed. It took only a moment of clarity to realise this: I could far more easy have solved many of the issues I have had if I had just asked. I had the same moment when a colleague told me I could just leave my work shoes under my desk, instead of carrying them in my bag every day to and from work. I had performed this for many months without thought. I recently began to wear short sleeves at work, which I have perceived as verboten for the whole of my working life (five years): naturally, nobody noticed. The restriction here is mental; it is routine.

Weeknote 2025-W35

Mon, 01 Sep 2025 00:00:00 +0000

Monday
I had a swim in the ... evening, I think? and also hoovered my room, etc. as well as work of course.

Tuesday

I had work of course, and also went for a ~35 minutes swim, plus the cycle there and back.

Wednesday

I went to another singles mixer - I do enjoy going to these. I felt fairly socially capable this time around, almost like my social skills are growing. That's good. I got a girl's number not for dating but because she runs a creative writing get-together, which might be fun to attend (we'll see...)

Thursday

I was tired, tired tired. I of course got in late from the dating event (home at 01:30 in the morning) and so got about three hours sleep. I only had about four hours sleep on Mon and Tues too, so I was shattered on the Thursday. I slept on the train, slept on the train back, and made dinner and that was it.

Friday

I ate a massive breakfast and felt oddly satiated and wearied. In the evening, I saw my friend online and we played For The King.

Saturday

I skipped out on a swim, went to the cafe for breakfast (reading The Gift and studying my insurance law course). I also wrote some prose, though it wasn't very good.

I had my violin lesson (which I had not practised for!) and we did some work on the first few fingers. It's coming along, slowly, and I am playing simple tunes albeit with great difficulty. It's only been a month and a bit. My ability to read music is lacking, which is something I need to work on for mandolin as well.

Sunday

I went for a swim in the morning, bought bulbs for spring online (daffodils, hyacinths, etc. - also an eremurus I am looking forward to!), and cycled up to get eggs. However, there were not any - I was possibly too late.

I weighed 11st 6lb on this day, which seems like I have lose a little bit of weight! But it's very variable.

Stats

Screentime

My screentime this week was 1d 12h, or 21% of my week. That's... really bad. It equates to 5h 13m per day.

As usual, Brave browser was most of this (1d 4h).

It also means my screentime is getting worse day on day. I keep on saying I need to fix this, but clearly I don't...

Health

My current weight is around 11 st 8 lb. My approximate maintenance calories would be 2294 kcal per day. My weight on the scales is not going down, but that could be because I have started having creatine again and so there is extra water weight (or, I could just not be losing weight - it's too early to tell).

My total calories for the week were 13598 kcal (1942 kcal daily average). This is a deficit of 351 kcal per day, resulting in likely weight loss of 0.70 lbs based on maintenance calories.

My average daily protein intake was 111g, forming 22.9% of my calories, and being 0.69g of protein per pound.

In terms of exercise, I went to the gym on Friday, and went swimming on Mon, Tues, and Sun. Going forward I think I want to go to the gym twice weekly (Mon and Fri morning) and swim the rest of the time (of course, other hobbies permitting).

Count of fruit/veg eaten

I am dropping this section from this week. I don't think it's very helpful.

50 in 50: What is my relationship with technology?

Sun, 11 May 2025 00:00:00 +0000

Currently, I find that technology is both a slight blessing and a major curse.

The thing with technology, and of course by this is meant computer technology, is that I fundamentally find it very interesting. The way the CPU works, the concepts worked with in programming (essentially whatever the language. C is minimal but powerful, C++ has many concepts (also literally, as of C++20) that are very interesting, like move semantics and the different value types, Rust has the borrowck and all that, Haskell has category theory...) are really interesting... Yet, I realise that to access and work with any of these, I need a computer.

Ok, well, I have a computer. I have two, in fact. (Three if the phone is counted.) I just really want to not have to use them.

I do feel like technology makes me unhappy nowadays. Really, I don't think it is the computer itself, moreso the internet. This endless access is... nice, sure, and it is enjoyable to read people's blogs, or to browse the net, but it also comes with the downside that I end up doing that almost unconsciously. I noted the same thing with the phone: it is highly addicting.

I am trying to move more towards my goal of the internet, where it is far more minimal and contained, or at the least, relatively inaccessible. For instance, I blocked search engines recently, in an effort to stop the infinite access. It means that I need to find other ways to find what I want. It does actually make many things more difficult though, that I would largely say are valid uses. If I want to look up some random fact, I can't really do that because I don't know where to look. Currently also, usable documentation is hard because cppreference is very difficult to understand. Of course, there are ways around all of this, and it will come with time. I essentially am going through the stage of slight frustration which is incurred when trying to limit something. I do want to limit access to the internet still.

Another issue I have, more in the real world, with tech, is that everybody else is so thoroughly entrenched in it. Whenever people go anywhere, they want to take photos, and inevitably I end up embroiled in that. I actually have no issue with some photos, but I think that constant access has completely devalued them, to the point that people will take photos of just about anything. It's not uncommon to walk about and see people taking photos of things that aren't even all that valuable; I imagine all of these photos will be sat in storage and not be looked at again.

Also, people spend a lot of their time on their phones. It's quite unpleasant to go out with someone, and then find they are on their phone half of the time.

Still, at the end of the day, I do think it offers... something. There is something to be gained, but sadly a lot to be lost.

Month in Review: September 2025

Mon, 06 Oct 2025 00:00:00 +0000

... I have not done month reviews since April.

The half year has absolutely flown by.

It again definitely has not been perfect, but it's been decent. Things are getting better in my life. At present, the major issue has been how busy I am.

My weeknotes for the month have been as follows:

Week 36

Week 37

Week 38

Week 39

... and the first two days of Week 40.

It's been a decent month. It has been quite busy with all of the things I want to do. I'll cluster up events and whatnot that I've been to a little.

Dating events

I have been to two this month. On the 13th, I did Chicken Rush with a friend of mine, which was fairly good (although had an unfortunate end). Then, I did the Haystack event on the 26th, which again was good fun. At neither events did I meet anybody I was interested in, and I am beginning to think this is a more serious (quote-unquote) problem. Hey ho.

Operas

I had two again this month. On the 18th I went to see Tosca, which was very enjoyable! It featured Anna Natrebko who performed stunningly. On the 19th, I saw Sicilian Vespers. This was very long (almost four hours) and I for some reason bought a standing ticket. Still, it was quite enjoyable.

Allotment

This has been a little neglected. I went once, maybe twice.

Eggs

I didn't really count this, but on a good few Sundays I have been going for a walk or cycle to collect eggs from a local farm (about six miles away).

Gymming and swimming

I believe this has been the first full month of my swimming and gymming, as I have picked up the membership again. I need really to go at least eight times per month for the membership to be worth it financially.

Raves

This has been the first month I have ever been to raves, and they are really fun! I went to two: a daytime one on the 21st, and a nighttime one on the 27th.

Soiree

On the 20th there was a musical soiree in the afternoon. It was good fun and I played (very badly) Losing my Religion as well as Norwegian Wood in a duet with my mother.

I did the following days:

Mon 1st: gym

Tue 2nd: swim

Fri 5th: gym

Sat 6th: swim

Sun 7th: swim

Mon 8th: gym

Wed 10th: swim

Fri 12th: gym

So, that is eight times. The issue is quite clear: I didn't go once in the latter half of the month! I was quite busy with nights out, etc.

Total busy days

I went four times to the gym, four times swimming, twice to the opera, twice on dating events, twice to raves, once for music (the soiree), one night out with work. In total, this makes 16 days where I was busy with events. Over half the month!

It's not bad at all, in fairness. I'm quite busy it seems.

Improvements

I need to allow the gym to be more evenly dispersed: even if I only go twice per week, that still gets me to eight total but it should be more evenly spread.

Also, the allotment needs a bit more care for now.

I also need to try to find more time to study, as this has been neglected for a good month now.

Next month (October 2025)

Next month ought include:

More consistently about the gymming and swimming.

Hopefully around 3 lb of weight loss.

More days (preferably around six if not more) spent at the allotment.

Two musical days for the two workshops.

Two events, both music, on the 23rd and 30th.

Hopefully some more yoga and mantra meditation.

50 in 50: Have you been to a memorable concert?

Sun, 18 May 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I don't tend to go to a whole lot of concerts; recently I have started going to performances of classical music that are all incredible.

I would say, when I went to go see The Darkness (thrice, now), I found that quite memorable, too. I also enjoy how he calls out the people on their phones the whole time: funnily, the last time we went to see him, people spent their time recording him chastise them for incessantly recording.

Apart from that, the only thing that comes to mind is a performance I saw very recently called Piano at Six, at the Guildhall. The pianists were fantastic! Completely in flow with the instrument.

Play

Sun, 02 Feb 2025 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 88 of 100DaysToOffload)

I'm sitting here and looking out over people who are out and about today. It's a quite nice day: bright and sunny, fairly warm when you're in the sun (and pretty chilly when you're not). There's quite a lot of people out, kids on scooters and bikes, adults on bikes, people walking their dogs...

I don't really get enough play in my life. Certainly I get leisure, but I don't have that kind of pure, raw, fun, very often anymore. It's sort of one of the things that, in the transition from child to adult, I've sort of ended up losing. Even chat quite often ends up dull to me, even if it does manage to get past smalltalk.

Meanwhile, everything has become a task to be completed. There's so much work, yet not all of it really should be work. Essentially, life is sort of divided into work and downtime, but the third category of play is lost. Even gaming with friends feels like a task occasionally now. Relaxing becomes meditating becomes "do it ten minutes a day for optimal health". Eating becomes "get the right foods so I don't end up unhealthy, you can have a little bit of chocolate here and there as a snack but never too much", when as I kid I would always eat skittles and starbursts to abandon without any problems. Sleeping becomes "I need to get to bed on time to make sure I'm well-rested for work tomorrow". Etc. Everything just becomes another job, another thing to optimise.

Comedy, or watching the opera, or listening to music, are all fun, and all downtime, but it's not play. It's not pure fun, running about for the sake of running about. It's just... non-productive action. That's not really the same as play.

Maybe it's just high-functioning depression I've got here, but I feel as if it would be nice if adults could have a little bit of play in their lives, too. In Japanese, the equivalent to play, 遊ぶ (asobu), can be used for both adults and children. It would be nice if we could have something like that. Just pure fun, levity. Currently, everything in life feels so... weighty.

Cycling, and dreams about Europe

Thu, 26 Dec 2024 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 55 of #100DaysToOffload)

I've found this Youtube channel, London cycle routes which shows routes around London. It's all so lovely!

Living in the UK and outside of London, the cycling infrastructure here is... well, it isn't. It just doesn't really exist. We have a couple of shared routes with pedestrians, but we don't have anything like they have in London. There is a video showing a route from Barking to Bank, and the motorway has a cycle path along the entire span of it! And so many of the roads are so quiet, or are either blocked off from one direction or completely car-free.

Now, London really isn't perfect. A fair few of the places are routes where, for a little bit, you share with cars. That isn't great, of course, but when compared to where I live, we basically have the main parts, and then you are just on the roads. Most roads have parked cars on both sides, and every single street has cars abounding which, due to the lack of space, basically force bikes to either just go on the pavement (which is fairly common), or share with the cars which is definitely not safe - the cars around here are very much out to get bikes, and I've had several close encounters, or people even trying to intentionally swerve into me. We have places where the "bike infrastructure" is drawing a bike symbol in the middle of the street, but not actually having any infrastructure whatsoever to actually complement it.

I am so envious...

(Really, it's not the cycling I care about. It's the lack of motorcentrism and the general care about creating livable, enjoyable cities, that are pleasant to exist in. It's almost frustrating, given we had it only a hundred years ago, and decided to destroy it for no real reason...)

It makes me think. Do I want to remain around this area forever? I want to live in Europe I think, where the urbanism is great, and the economy is in less of a decline. Where it doesn't feel like everything is on the down and out.

But then, I do like Britain. I really do find it a great country. The only problem is, I really dislike... the country. I don't know if that makes sense; I sort of like the concept of Britain, but dislike the reality, if that makes sense. I cling onto the idea that Europe (Norway maybe, Germany maybe, Italy maybe) will be my paradise. Of course, that means abandoning a lot, too...

It's so difficult to decide. I've got a finite few years; maybe I should make the best of it, explore new places, explore the world, whilst I can. Youth, and few responsibilities, and all.

Still not sure. I doubt I will be even as I do it.

Tony's Chocolonely, and, the dont-eat-it-all-at-once-you-fat-bastard phenomenon

Thu, 06 Feb 2025 00:00:00 +0000

My six bars of Tony's Chocolonely have arrived, two bars each of three different flavours. I just tried a bit this morning, and also gave some to my mum: it's really nice, and really strong too.

I decided to get this bar of chocolate as it doesn't support all the bad things that go on in the cocoa industry, child slavery and the like. It's sort of a case of trying to extend the principles of veganism beyond just animals, like "ethical consumerism" or something like that. Sounds really cool and fancy, right? (and a bit holier-than-thou too. not really the intent)

It's really nice, though. I do like chocolate: I decided I would stop buying traditional chocolate from the shops after finding out that the nice chocolate I buy from Aldis (Moser Roth) ranks as one of the worst on the egg-ranking thing that exists for chocolate. Storck, as a brand, that is. So I would avoid it from now on. Then thinking, I also don't want to support Nestle (like I did for a little while buying their vegan Kit Kats - which were lovely, by the way) for a similar reason. So I settled on reducing my chocolate intake overall, and only buying from a good brand, hence Tony's chocolate.

Now, usually I would have bought two bars of Moser Roth, told myself that it was fine and I would eat each bar over the course of several days, and then demolished both bars within the day. I really don't have self-control.

Now, I've got a bit of a stricter routine, because I actually can't buy any more chocolate at all from the shops, but I know I've got one bar per month. Big bars, too.

There comes a bit of a dilemma. I sort of have a bit of a constraint now, stopping the eating-it-all-at-once-you-fat-bastard phenomenon, but then how should I eat it? For instance, I could give myself it piecemeal, a little bit each day. Or, I could use it as a reward (carrot, but like, unhealthy) for doing good things, like exercise, or whatever. And when I eat it, should I eat the small bit all at once, or keep it in my mouth for ten minutes and properly savour it?

Dilemmas dilemmas.

Still, I think this kind of enforced-scarcity is good for me, and makes me treasure the chocolate itself a lot more.

Audience, and things to say

Sat, 01 Feb 2025 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 85 of 100DaysToOffload)

Whilst I haven't checked my analytics for a fair bit (I might do after I write this), I believe I don't really have an audience. In fairness, I don't exactly try for one.

That means that what I write here is essentially for myself. Of course, there might be people who read it, and I self-censor a little bit to avoid revealing too much, but largely I don't have to worry about an audience.

The thing with a blog is: I read other people with blogs, say Kev Quirk, or tiramisu, and think: oh, they've got interesting blogs, and something worth saying. For myself, I almost think of myself as not really having anything to say. Nothing worth reading, at least.

That doesn't stop me writing, of course. I'm still a little conflicted whether I want an audience. I don't know if I feel ready for it. I don't know if I have anything to say that could "please" an audience (not that I'm especially after pleasing an audience). Essentially, it's sort of an insecurity of mine. Then again, I sort of would like to have people to chat to, who I read their blogs and they mine. Sort of online-friends or something. Not sure, really.

Weeknotes 2024-W52

Sun, 29 Dec 2024 00:00:00 +0000

It's the final week of the year! Well, there is still two days left, but they will get lumped into next week's (and, the first of next year's!) notes.

2024 is over, and it was incredibly quick. I gave a bit of a review of the year in my yearnotes, so I'll just give details of this final week here.

Monday

I was working Monday, and I don't think I did too much in the evening.

Tuesday (Christmas Eve!)

I worked during the day, and then in the evening we had our Christmas eve celebration round ours. My dad made a Balti pie as usual, and we had the family round, unwrapped our Secret Santa presents, etc. A good day all in all. After the celebration, there was naturally huge amounts of washing up to be done, which I did (I love to do washing up when there is huge amounts to be done and I can dedicate an hour or so to it, otherwise I hate the more mundane washing up a plate or a glass here and there).

My sister applied gel to the nails on my left hand to stop me biting - it's the 29th as I write and I haven't bitten that hand at all (on the other hand... it's less rosy) so I'll probably get her to do both soon and hopefully I can start properly growing my nails out!

Wednesday (Christmas Day)

We went initially round my Nan's for Christmas dinner (at about two) and then went to my grandma's afterwards until quite late. We went there in the car, but I walked back from hers home instead of coming home in the car, which was a pleasant little walk.

Thursday (Boxing Day)

Also a bank holiday, I mainly got laundry sorted and prepared all my clothes for next week. I want to get into the routine of, on a Friday or Saturday now, preparing all my clothes for the next week, and washing all of my dirty clothes just to keep a bit more organised. At the moment it's a lot more ad hoc.

Friday

I had work. Really, I was working pretty slowly, as most people were on holiday and I was not really in the mood to work very hard.

In the evening, I wrote up my yearnotes.

Saturday

We went to the cafe to study/read a bit as is custom now on a Saturday, and then went to the jazz centre and saw Derek Nash (sax), with Dominic Ashworth on guitar, George Double on drums and Geoff Gascoyne on bass. It was really good... they are proper professionals, and seemed almost to flow with the instrument and the music came out apart from that, if that makes sense. Truly incredible.

I finalised my finances for the month in the evening: I have tucked away a fair sum, though a bit less than I wanted (due to buying tickets and accomodation for the Devon trip in February) mostly in premium bonds at the moment though I will move it into a savings account soon to capitalise on the high interest at the moment.

Sunday

I woke up very late, had some porridge, and studied music theory for the guitar

I still don't understand it fully, but it was interesting to realise why certain chords are like the way they are (e.g., C, and a G chord are formed of all notes that are either 1st, 3rd or 5th degrees away from the root), though I have to say I am still a little confused why an E chord uses a G#, not a G.

It'll all come with time, but it is very slow going of course. I still am very beginner in terms of music theory and actually understanding the musical side of it. After seeing the jazz on Saturday though, it makes me want to better understand the relationship between different notes, and what to play that sounds good together.

We went to my grandma's to visit some guests in the afternoon, and I have come back, done a very, very small amount of RHS study and watched somebody program a game in Zig. I want to, whenever I can at some point find time, do a clone of Bloons Tower Defence in Zig and SDL. I did make some updates to the website (to make the pages all a bit more in line with each other) and updated the kmd script to add in comments. Though the website is still ugly, it serves its purpose for now, and that's all I care about.

Have a good new year!

Pea and rosemary risotto

Mon, 21 Apr 2025 00:00:00 +0000

(This really shouldn't be a blog post, but I don't have a "short comments" section on the blog yet... or ever?)

I made a pea and rosemary risotto today. I normally like pea and mint, but the mint is not in season yet, so I had rosemary instead. I picked the rosemary from one plant at the allotment and another (quite unhappy) plant at home (that I will mercifully pot up today). I also had a little bit (probably only five stems) of thyme as well also from the allotment.

It was really nice! The rosemary is quite strong. I quite enjoy the taste of rosemary anyways, and quite often eat the leaves just by themselves.

Definitely recommend it, only problem is that risotto takes sooo long to make.

50 in 50: Am I retired or working?

Thu, 15 May 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I am only 23 (soon to be 24!) so I am still working. I work in an industry I don't believe actually contributes much of anything to the world (insurance) under the auspices that it might provide money and money might, despite the advice of countless generations of men before me and my own intuition about the matter, make me happy.

I don't really know about my plans for retirement. I have quite a lot of hobbies anyways, so as and when I do retire, which will be in some 42 years (if I am still alive...) I will probably continue the way I am, but dedicate the spare time to my hobbies a bit more.

Pointless Ten Challenge

Thu, 08 May 2025 00:00:00 +0000

This is the ten pointless facts challenge, courtesy of David over at Forking Mad.

Do you floss your teeth?

Nope! I do occasionally (rarely) pick with a toothpick, but apart from that I just brush my teeth twice a day.

Tea, coffee, or water?

Water and tea - I make my water and my tea and the same time. I tend to drink the water first and then leave the tea until it's cold (yes, this is heresy, I know).

I am only willing to have coffee in the form of coffee ice cream. Or kahlua.

Footwear preference?

Bare feet or just socks around the house, and occasionally about the garden. Outdoors, some kind of trainer. I don't really care enough and I tend to just buy ones that are cheapish on offer on Black Friday, and wear them until they are an aesthetic crime and completely unfunctioning.

Favourite dessert?

My nan's bread pudding. Or, rhubarb crumble. Also had hot bananas and coconut milk recently that was really nice. Also... wait, I'm only meant to pick one.

The first thing you do when you wake up?

Turn off the alarm. Then it sort of changes a bit depending on the day, how tired I am, whether I'm being disciplined or not, etc. I want to do exercise or study, but more often than not all I do is extend my sleep for another 90 minutes. Recently I've also been Hinge-swiping in the mornings.

Age you'd like to stick to?

I don't think I've reached that age yet.

How many hats do you own?

One rainbow coloured one that I barely use. I'm not a hat guy.

Describe the last photo you took

I took a really low quality, heavily zoomed in photo of a bird in the garden. I am not sure what bird it was but I wanted to try identify it - I still haven't. It's sort of like a wren but was a bit bigger than I would expect. (It's probably just a wren...)

Worst TV show

Honestly... I don't watch TV enough to have a good answer.

As a child, what was your aspiration for adulthood?

I think as a young child I wanted to be a scientist. Then as a teenager I wanted to do programming. I never ended up trying to apply for programming jobs though, because I didn't want actual work, and all the KPIs and meetings etc. to destroy my enjoyment of programming.

Weeknote 2025-W41

Mon, 20 Oct 2025 00:00:00 +0000

This weeknote is written at the same time as the one for the week after (W41), as I've got to catch up on them. I didn't realise take adequate notes on what I did, so it won't be great. Same for W41.

Monday

Coming back from the holiday, I had the day off. I went for a swim, cycled up to try get some eggs (there were none, as such I came back only with two quinces), then cycled into town and met my mum and sisters for lunch. I came home, listened to some music, then went up to the allotment, planted out various bulbs (hyacinths, daffodils, tulips and an eremurus) for spring, saw my friend in the evening virtually and played Trove, went shopping, and cooked a curry for the week.

Tuesday

I felt horifically depressed about work - I'd already seen that my emails were in a state and there was a lot to do.

In the evening, me and mum did yoga. That was good fun.

Wednesday

In the evening, I saw The Astatine Trio and some various pianists at the Guildhall. Amazing! Didn't get my sleep though.

Thursday

I tried a different wrap from Petticoat Lane market - the schwarma wrap. It is drier and more protein-y, but quite nice. It was on recommendation of someone from work. In the evening, I shopped, ate, and rested.

Friday

I fasted on this Friday until 16:30, making a 20.5 hour fast in all. It was good fun and a decent learning experience. Unfortunately, once I broke the fast, I ate too much.

Saturday

... No recollection.

Sunday

... No recollection.

Stats

Screentime: can't do as only tracks for a week.

Steps: 63,366, making 31km and 1967 kcal. A bit on the low end.

Reading

M05 study update

Languages

Italian

... No progress.

Music

Mandolin

As usual, I've been practising the prelude to the first cello suite, which is good fun and sounds pleasant even to my ears as I play.

Health

Exercise

Only once, I think. No gym.

Weight and diet

No stats to track, really.

Weeknotes 2025-W24

Sat, 21 Jun 2025 00:00:00 +0000

Monday
Because I slept all afternoon on the Sunday, I couldn't sleep at night. I stayed in bed until nine to fix this, worked, went to the shops, and saw my friends in the evening.

Tuesday

I finished reading Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus which is a quite good book. I also saw a final recital of viola in the evening at the Guildhall.

Wednesday

In the evening, I met up with my mother and we went and saw Dido and Aeneas. It was very short but quite good!

Thursday

I went to Japanese Place, a ... Japanese place in London for lunch. It was not bad, but did taste a bit out-of-a-packetish.

In the evening, I went to Fatto a Mano for dinner, and saw Les Mis. A man I spoke to in the queue said it was his 14th time seeing it: he travels in every year from Atlanta to come see it. I also ended up swapping seats with someone and got a better seat from it... I was sitting beside a lady who was with a group, which was a Texas orchestra.

Friday

... I have no notes on what happened this day except that I wrote some 50 in 50 entries.

Saturday

I rearranged my bookshelf, hoovered, did my washing, tested the RHS exam system, bought new clothes pegs, went shopping, played some mandolin. Also, I decided I would give up on dating apps, and immediately after matched with somebody.

Sunday

Gave my father his father's day gifts, went to the cafe to read, had a walk along the pier, bought some seeds for the garden, sowed these, dropped by my brother's work to deliver his lunch he had forgotten, visited the allotment without really doing any work there, rested some, started to read The Anxious Generation, and had a roast in the evening.

Screentime

I want to start writing a few stats on these weeknotes. I'll start with screen time: this week it was 10h. Not great!

On tracking

Tue, 19 Nov 2024 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 39 of #100DaysToOffload)

I am still undecided on whether to track or not. I used to use the Samsung Health app to track my steps. I would feel good that I often got around 10,000 steps a day (3k either way to work, an extra 4k on a walk at lunch) but then would feel miserable that I, if I had a very sedentary weekend, would do maybe only a few hundred. I would not feel satisfied with a walk unless it increased the step count by say, 7k, 8k, at least.

At some point after I had a huge walk (about 60k steps in the day) I decided against it. That I wasn't getting anything out of it. I haven't tracked my steps since, and don't feel any remorse. I know when I've done enough steps, and know when I ought to do more. I don't need to be told that externally.

I'm not sure if it's lessened the cognitive load, or, like a company promising that industrialisation, automation will bring respite to the toils of the common men, has merely allowed a greater output with the same toil: the effort is being spent elsewhere. Where then, I don't know, although it could well be this very blog.

That said, I do think there is value in tracking. I have been considering whether to get bloodworks etc. done, and to work out my digestive, reproductive, oral, blood, and whatever else health to try to see where I'm at and where I could improve. In reality, I know the things that I need to do that are healthy, anyways, and so perhaps it's all a waste of money.

The question is, I suppose, how much. I don't want to be Bryan Johnson, optimising every single minute aspect of my life. That said, I also want to be able to tell when I've had bad sleep and see if I can piece together better the possible reasons why, or why maybe I've got an ulcer at the moment (probably sugar).

Currently, I track mainly in words: I diarise, I scribble notes in my scratchpad, I write these blog posts (a collection of my thoughts) and weeknotes and /now. I don't track much in the way of numbers. That is the key difference.

Is one better than the other? Probably not. Quality without quantity is unspecified; quantity without quality is meaningless.

Interpretation

Sat, 09 Nov 2024 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 32 of #100DaysToOffload)

It seems that so much of life is about interpretation. There is a difference between knowledge of a problem, and the true realisation of it. Red-pilled is the Internet term to describe the event, I suppose. I can know that I am gaining weight, but there comes a moment at which I become clear in my head of what needs to be done to fix it. I can know I am socially awkward, but there is a definite moment at which I realise that I need to work on it. It is a sort of shifting of prorities that occurs not by evaluation of a list of potentialities, and which is the most desirable or most urgent, but rather a sort of mental clarity that comes like a bolt from the blue. A sudden realisation.

In fact, a lot of life is structured around this. There are mid-life crises, and quarter-life crises. There are sudden conversions to faith. It is not that there was not the sign of it occurring before; certainly, the thought was already there. At a certain point though, the interpretation changes. And something that was beforehand just an idea, a possibility, a consideration, now because the most important thing of all.

The joy is in looking back to the past, and realising all the things you missed because you were simply not looking at it right.

Clean up the toilet

Thu, 17 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000

This is day 14 of #100DaysToOffload.

I'm sure we've all had the experience of going to a public toilet, and seeing it in... a less than awesome state. Urine on the toilet seat. Clogged toilet. Tissue paper adorning the floor. The last visitor's dinner in the bowl.

There are two possible responses: either, do your business and leave ('they have cleaners to tidy up'), or, do you business, tidy up after yourself and the last person's mess. Well, there is a third possible response, which is to figure, eh, it's a mess anyways, and just piss on the floor and leave, but let's put that one to one side for a moment.

The best of these responses: Tidy up the toilet.

Yes, it's icky. Wiping away another's urine from the toilet seat is... unpleasant, to say the least. Even flushing the chain and seeing... that, go down the toilet is painful enough. But, the end result is a clean toilet. You've broken the chain; you've given the next person a pleasant experience.

Also, this doesn't just apply to the toilet. It's every thing in the commons. For instance, I always try to make sure I don't leave much of a mess when I go to a cafe. I'll often bring my crockery back to the staff to save them having to carry it. It's not much, but it helps a little. I saw a family in the cafe I usually go to make a huge mess, and let their children play with the sugar, getting it all over the floor. The staff had to spend about fifteen minutes tidying up after them. That is not respecting the commons, and the staff have to suffer for it.

Disclaimer

I don't always do this. I'm not proclaiming my moral superiority here, or anything like that. For instance, just on my trip here in Italy, I saw a woman trying her best to climb up onto the pavement from the road. I stopped and watched, not having the social ability to go back and help her. She got there in the end, but I didn't do anything to help, all the while knowing I should've. I'm not morally perfect, let alone morally good. Still, I don't think that discredits the advice, and I do try to follow this advice when I can. Not that I don't make many, many, mistakes.

Themes for 2025 (and late 2024)

Tue, 19 Nov 2024 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 41 of #100DaysToOffload)

I've decided (well, last week) on some themes for 2025. I've divided it into four main goals, and three additional goals. I really want to improve on the main goals; the additional goals are less important but are still worthwhile pursuing if I can.

Four Main Goals

1) Health

I want to do more exercise. Daily skipping, try to pick up running, should both improve my cardio health. Going to the gym several times a week will strengthen my body.

Get good sleep.

As for food, I want to ensure I'm eating the right foods. Eat the right foods, more importantly, avoid the wrong foods. Try and expand the scope of products I concern myself about, to include anti-perspirants, and all the rest.

2) Allotment

Go to the allotment all I can. Try get a good harvest.

3) Guitar

Practise guitar. Every day that I can. Every spare moment.

4) Study

I have the study for work to complete: LM2 this year, probably IF2 next year.

I've got the RHS to work on: I will get it mostly done next year.

I have Italian to study; I want to pick up Japanese again, even if just to read a book or two.

Three Additional Goals

1) Writing

Write more: wv, blog, poetry. Write several stories.

2) Reading

Read more. English, German, or Italian or Japanese.

3) Drawing

Draw more. This could be sketching, or it could be painting, or it could be something different. Just creative drawing of some kind.

December 2024 Update

Sun, 22 Dec 2024 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 50 of #100DaysToOffload)

It's almost Christmas now. I haven't written a blog post in ages - the reason being, my laptop on which I write sort of broke. I would turn it on and the screen just wouldn't come on. I gave it to a relative who works in IT, and it turns out it just kind of fixed itself, by the time that he got around to looking at it. He says that often computers just disable features if there is too much power in the capacitors, and so to fix you just have to wait for it to discharge itself. Well, I've the laptop back now, and I can start again to work on 100DaysToOffload!

I've also been implementing a little bit the new schedule, or routine, that I will be following 2025 to reach my 25 for 2025 goals. It has not been perfect - I have not done anywhere near the amount of exercise I want, for example, but have been decently achieving my goals in terms of guitar and the mandolin (which I received earlier this month, and absolutely love!)

I have also, in the past week, had very little screentime on the phone - less than ten minutes a day, really. That is for eight days. If I continue this on for another 23 days, I've already achieved one of my 25 - #16 to go a month without more than 25 minutes of phone use. I will relax it after I've achieved it, to allow for use with WhatsApp or messages to exceed that number, but not for other purposes. This essentially gives me all the advantages of low screen time, but doesn't penalise me for messaging people (a good thing).

I'm also halfway through 100DaysToOffload now. I've read Klara and the Sun and am going to have read The Innocent before 2025, so I'm already two down of the 20 books to read in 2025.

In terms of the quality of the life, the lack of screentime, and the focus on creating rather than consuming (i.e. playing guitar and mandolin rather than listening to music, writing, studying...) and the fact that the media I am consuming (books, essentially) is a lot slower is really helping me out. Already I feel better for it in a way, as if my life is getting... slower, or more methodical. I hope this continues and I find that I make good, slow progress on what I want to do, and have a generally slower life too.

Of the four main goals, then, I have done very well in terms of guitar and mandolin. I have done less well, but still acceptably, in terms of study. I really do need to just improve in terms of exercise, which has been truly lacking this month. I am quitting the gym, but need to ensure I take up exercise at home more seriously, for instance to achieve the goals of running a 5k without rest, skipping each day, and working out 100 times. I've only been to the allotment once this month, but there isn't much to do in winter anyways. That will be more of a concern come March.

But it's all going ahead decently well. I'm not saying it's perfect, but I think this coming year could really bring with it some good habits if I just make sure to act on them, and be consistent.

Ok, that's all.

Brevity and Verbosity

Thu, 24 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 21 of #100DaysToOffload)

There are two ways of espousing an idea: brief, and verbose.

Well, it is of course a spectrum. Yet, it seems today all we see is verbosity. Authors write hundreds of pages on topics for a single topic. Even I have my wordvomits, where I have written in a matter of months hundreds of thousands of worthless words.

Poetry is brief. Prose, literature is verbose. Each word of the fourteen lines of Shakespeare's sonnet has been meticulously crafted: to yield an affect, to rhyme, to create metre. It may take a mere minute or two to read, and yet has had hours of effort poured into it.

When religious authorities decided on a text to express the central Christian beliefs, they chose not to write a great treatise on the matter, but deliberated over a short text: the Nicene Creed. Only a few lines, with each word of importance.

Which is better? Shorter texts, like poetry spawn many interpretations. All may agree on a central theme, but the specifics can be very heavily debated...

On the other hand, expressing things in too much verbosity causes an excess of precision, and has a tendency towards fragility, over-specification. Both imprecision and overexactitude are problematic in their own way.

How about the shortest possible verbose text?

50 in 50: A news event from when I was in school

Sat, 31 May 2025 00:00:00 +0000

The only one I can remember (I don't, and didn't, read the news much) was Brexit. I think generally we just thought it was a bit of a silly idea. Generally, the EU seems very sound to me, though I don't think the UK should adopt the Euro. Leaving it has made little impact, it feels like, except that now we feel a little less privy to the advancements the EU makes (legislatively) and seem to want to be American, despite us (with good reason!) scorning the US. We were slightly disappointed, I guess, but went on with our lives the very next day.

Protein powder

Fri, 29 Aug 2025 00:00:00 +0000

Whoa. I have bought some protein powder, and it's amazing the different it makes to one's macros!

Most days I will get 1750 - 2000 kcal, with about 80 - 95g protein. Today, I have taken protein powder (chocolate flavour with some soya milk -> healthy choco milk) and it has put me at 154g protein with 1,737 kcal - 35% of my day's kcal being from protein. That's quite impressive!

This is the beginning of my trying to lose weight, and keep muscle or maybe even gain a bit whilst I'm here. Gym twice a week, swimming filling out some of the rest of those days, and ... trying to balance that with study, and the allotment, and music, and being nights out, and being social, and ...

I will find a way eventually. I don't want to stress myself out like with last year.

Weeknotes 2025-W33

Sun, 17 Aug 2025 00:00:00 +0000

Monday
I've had a dry throat recently, that I think might be some amount of acid reflux. I've almost been thinking about losing weight, or dieting, again, and how I need to get my sleep schedule back on track.

Apart from that - work, cooking, podcasts, was my entire day, really.

Tuesday

I couldn't find my pass for work, and ended up getting up very late for work, because I didn't sleep the night before. I felt very out of control, generally. In the evening, I searched around for my work pass, tidied the fridge and my room a little, and that was about it.

Wednesday

I repainted my nails, and did some violin practice. Plus work, of course.

Thursday

My new mandola arrived! It's quite fun to play but I need to find some things to use it for, for example transposing a few songs down an octave to play them.

Friday

Work, washing...

Saturday

I went to the cafe in the morning with my parents, then to a do at the allotment, then to my violin lesson. I can't remember the evening.

Sunday

I went and bought eggs, then walked up to my sister's house to see my niblings, then listened to a couple podcasts, and finished up adding all the books I own into the new CSV. Now I just need to add the historical books I've read, start using it to track the books I'm reading now and in the future, and get the C++ script finished to validate the data and run stats off it. Patience is a virtue.

Stats

Screentime

32h 30m across the week. Particularly bad were Friday (7h 18m) and Saturday (6h 41m). Rest of the days were around 4h, except Monday at 2h 36m.

This is... really bad. A lot, in fact almost all, of it, is watching Youtube, particularly podcasts. As such, Brave takes up a full 1d 1h of the time, with next up being an app called Kreate for listening to music (1h) that I am fine with, Hinge (1h) again fine with, and Whatsapp being 50m. The tuner is a full 30m, too. I'm going to consider watching podcasts fine, but say it should happen with the screen off to not inflate the screentime figure. I have now banned Youtube on my phone, so with any luck the figure for next week will be significantly lower.

Approximate calories and protein per day

I didn't count calories for every day, but of the days I counted:

Tuesday: 2280 kcal and 111g protein

Friday: 2060 kcal and 89g protein

Saturday: 2095 kcal and 93g protein

Count of fruit/veg eaten (aim for 30)

Rice

Banana

Orange

Apple

Lentil

Tomato (as puree mostly, but real toms too)

Peppers (bell)

Onion

Garlic

Buckwheat

Soya (yogurt, tofu, milk)

Cherries

Blueberries

Elderberries

Blackcurrants

Grapes

Blackberries

Corn

Quinoa

Hazelnuts

Potato (mashed)

Peas

Cocoa (in the form of chocolate...)

Cauliflower

Chickpeas

Figs

Plums (eaten wild)

Plus lots of eggs. This is 26, and there a probably a few that I am forgetting about, so all in all I am not too unhappy with it.

Next week I will try actually get to thirty.

Bologna: Fifth Day

Wed, 16 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000

(Day 12 of #100DaysToOffload)

It is Wednesday, and the weather is... far more foul now. The skies were lovely and blue until today, when they are fully overcast. The top of Asinelli tower is covered in fog. I am going to catch a train today to go to Florence; it is not the best day, and really I should have gone earlier. Hey ho.

Trains

I... have lost some hope in Italian trains. I was hoping, because c2c (owned by Trenitalia) is fairly good in the UK, I thought the trains would be very good here, especially it being Europe. However, they weren't as good as I thought. To be fair, the fact that the train travels at 250km/h and barely rocks at all is lovely. The problem is, a direct ticket from Bologna to Florence was EUR33! So I paid 66 euros for a day trip to Florence. Whoa.

Also, the train station at Bologna Centrale is incredibly confusing. There were some Italian women there that were also confused, and were following a train driver to the right platform, so I just followed them (they were also going to Florence).

Florence

Florence is really quite nice. It is a lot less busy than Bologna. I feel almost as if Florence is like London, where Bologna is instead like, say, Cambridge or somewhere like that. In that, Florence is less busy (or rather, has less footfall - though that may have just been the weather), has less food places and more shops, more foreigners about (e.g. holidaymakers), etc. I think as a city it is somewhat prettier; that said, I would probably rather live in Bologna.

I visited the Palazzo Vecchio (which was lovely), and walked about the city getting very lost. I think I will need to come back another time to Florence specifically, to visit all the sights, where I will book to see David, the Uffizi, that sort of thing.

Weather, and Tomorrow

My shoes were soaked through when I got back; it's very wet today. I think it will be similar for the rest of the days... Fun.

Tomorrow, I'll probably spend a decent bit of time in the hotel, and also I want to actually peruse the bookshops and see if I can get some nice books (in Italian, of course). I'm about 2/3 of the way through Jane Eyre that I've been reading.

Weeknotes 2025-W27

Sat, 05 Jul 2025 00:00:00 +0000

Monday
I didn't actually write a diary entry for the day...

In the evening I saw Semele at the opera house. It was painfully boring, all aspects of it. The music, the libretto... remind me never to see another Handel again.

I explored about Covent Garden, though, before the show. Had some nice gelato, and a bagel. Also had a donut.

Tuesday

I booked in a good few new shows at the opera house, and went to Hobgoblin's at lunch. The shop clerk recommended me a Kentucky mandolin, which, playing it, is significantly better than the cheap one I have.

In the evening, we went to the allotment to water, and I planted out some more leeks.

I also started to learn Jovano Jovanke.

Wednesday

I went back to Hobgoblin at lunch and bought the mandolin. In the evening, I rested a bit and played it - I had a bit of a funny mood and ended up thinking it wasn't good (a buyer's regret) but later found it was still better. I worked on my tremolo.

Thursday

Carmen during the evening! I had a standing seat, which provided a really good view, though my feet did ache. The man next to me was great conversation, and recommended me Verona. I will try go there this year...

Carmen itself was fantastic. I enjoyed it probably to a similar degree as I did La boheme.

I had dinner at Spaghetti House before the show. The pizza was really nice and the dessert not too bad either, but the water had bits of fibres in it (I assume from the dishcloth used to dry it) which was offputting. Also, a man came by and stared at me through the window for a full five minutes as I ate my pizza (he went away at one point and then returned and stared at me again), then came in the entrance, stared at the girl opposite me, and then when the waiter came over to ask, he said he had a booking for 20:40 (at that time it was just gone six). Really odd.

Friday

Work from home, and in the evening I saw my friends to book activities for the holiday next week.

Saturday

I went to the cafe in the morning, and played about with the mandolin a bit.

Sunday

On the Sunday, I started the day with a walk to a farm around an hour from us, in the sticks, to get some eggs. I ended up getting more or less willingly, though it wasn't a problem and I still knew where I was, so in effect it was just a long walk. When I got home, I was quite tired and ended up eating a lot (mostly all healthy, but a lot of frozen mango smoothie) and crashed for a few hours - I think I spiked my blood sugar a bit too high...

Then later, my father took me by car to get some eggs. There were three roads I could have gone down and the only one I didn't go is the one that had the eggs...

I want to do more long walks in the country like this though. It's really quite pleasant. Maybe I could bring the bike with me too, maybe not. Depends on the place, and I feel like when I bring the bike I feel pressure (within myself) to ride the bike, even if I can just walk.

In the evening, my mother made dinner, and I made a rhubarb crumble.

Weeknote 2025-W40

Mon, 06 Oct 2025 00:00:00 +0000

Again, I was pretty bad at actually writing down what I did this week. The best part was perhaps the holiday to Barry / Cardiff.

Also - week forty! The year has gone by very quickly.

Monday

No notes.

Tuesday

No notes.

Wednesday

No notes, but I know what I did was pack for the holiday.

Thursday

I met my friend to get the train to Barry, and on this first day we arrived around three, dropped off our bags, and went for a walk around Friar's Point and the beach. Around six we got some chips for dinner, and retired around eight (I had a bath).

Barry is quite a nice area - it is a little dead, however has fairly clean air and the infrastructure is quite new, which is pleasant.

Friday

We had breakfast at the Brewer's Fayre by the Premier Inn, then went back to Friar's Point to see it at low tide. We got drenched with rain, so had to return to the hotel to dry out a bit and change some clothes, then went back out and into Cardiff. We walked about, visited Roath Park (still in the pouring rain), then met my friend's cousin and walked about and chatted.

In the evening we grabbed a pizza for dinner.

Saturday

The last full day of the holiday. We went to the museum for almost the entire day, which was fairly interesting. Then, we went to Pizza Hut and had dinner there. First time I've ever actually been to Pizza Hut - it's actually fairly good! (Pizza is the compromise between what I eat and what my friend eats, hence why we have had this so often).

Sunday

Got the train back, arriving back home around half three. I grabbed some lunch at my usual cafe and read a bit, before coming back home. In the evening, we had dinner at a new Thai place. It was good food and the hosts were very friendly!

Stats

Screentime

1d in total. That is 3h 33m or 1/7 of the week. It's... not great.

Step count

I walked 95k steps in total (47km, 2980 kcal). Oddly, despite being on holiday I walked less than the week before.

Reading

I finished The Gift, and read A Breath of French Air in a single day. Since then, I have been reading Fictions. It's a really, really good book! I may need to write a blog entry about this book at some point...

M05 study update

... For the fourth week in a row, I haven't studied. That's essentially a full month! I need to get back on it.

Languages

Italian

Not done anything on it.

German

See above.

Music

Mandolin

Of course I couldn't do it over the holiday, but I have been playing the Cello suite again.

Health

Exercise

I have not swum or been to the gym once.

Weight and diet

Again, I didn't track my calories well so I can't really say much here.

Weeknotes 2025-W05

Sun, 02 Feb 2025 00:00:00 +0000

This week has been fairly quiet, and I haven't actually written a lot in terms of notes of what has gone on. It was mostly work, I think, alongside the usual elements of weights etc.

Thursday

There was a call to go over some notes for the upcoming exam, on the 11th. I still feel underpractised, but there's not much I can do about that now. I feel a tad reassured that the pass mark is only fifty, though. I can almost certainly get that.

Saturday

The Saturday was really productive. That was probably because it was the first day of February. It was actually so productive I even wrote a separate blog entry about it...

Sunday

As of writing I haven't seen it yet, but we're seeing Les Mis tonight. Will be fun, maybe, or maybe not.

50 in 50: What is your typical day?

Tue, 20 May 2025 00:00:00 +0000

My typical day is quite inconsistent; I tend to do different things each day.

Weekdays

My weekday is mostly consistent, because work forces it to be. I wake up before six, have a shower, and leave for work just before seven. In the meantime, I will often just sit, or sometimes read, play mandolin, etc.

The train is an hour into the city, and I usually sleep, listen to music or study.

Work is work. There isn't a great deal to say about this; at lunch, I will either go and grab food, sit and enjoy the sun, go for a walk, or read. Recently I also listen to live classical music at a church nearby the office.

The evenings are spent doing my various hobbies: mandolin, gardening, etc.

Weekends

Weekends are a lot more free. One thing that is fairly constant is that I go to a cafe to study and read on the Saturday.

Apart from that, I can spend the days at the allotment, or reading, or doing whatever I like.

Wake up routine

Recently, I've been adding a (fairly inconsistently done) wake up routine. I am trying to get up at four, and then I will do exercise, and study or read a bit. Essentially, it's a way for me to actually do some exercise.

Bedtime

I tend to go to bed around nine or ten. I have made my computers turn off at 21.30 to stop me from staying up until late using them, and to try enforce better sleeping habits for myself.

Weeknotes 2025-W04

Sun, 26 Jan 2025 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 79 of #100DaysToOffload, and my weeknotes for the week 2025-01-20 to 2025-01-26)

This week has been quite long. It's not a bad thing, though.

Monday

I went to the GPs, and all was fine with my heart. Probably just eat too much garlic. I fixed up the main guitar with the new G string, so it works now.

Tuesday

... Work

Wednesday

... Work

Thursday

After work, I went and saw Jenufa. It wasn't very good, honestly. Still, it is good to see another opera and try new things. The opera house is lovely to visit as usual, though the seat wasn't quite as good - I had to sort of keep on switching my eyes between the surtitles and the stage.

Friday

I had to get up early for work, to do something with someone who starts work at eight. Then, it ended up that I couldn't get done what I wanted anyways.

Saturday

I did some yoga with my mum, and some studying, bought a new shirt in the charity shop, and did some mandolin practice. Losing my Religion is coming along. I ended up staying up until quite late to do a bit of work.

Sunday

Catching up on work again, some yoga, etc. Not the most productive day but still fine.

Weeknote 2025-W47

Sun, 23 Nov 2025 00:00:00 +0000

Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday

Thursday

Friday

Saturday

Sunday

Stats

Screentime: xx

Average steps walked per day: xx

Reading

M05 study update

Languages

Italian

German

Music

Mandolin

Health

Exercise

Weight and diet

My current weight is around xx st xx lb. My approximate maintenance calories would be xx kcal per day.

My total calories for the week were xx kcal (xx kcal daily average). This is a of xx kcal, resulting in likely weight loss of xx lbs based on maintenance calories.

My average daily protein intake was xx g.

Month in Review: April 2025

Fri, 02 May 2025 00:00:00 +0000

... It's the end of April. Wow this month has absolutely flown by.

I definitely can't say it's been perfect, and a lot has changed in my life this month. I'll start with the overview and then go through the specific aspects that I am normally covering.

The Broad Change

Since I went to the temple, I have made a few changes in my life, which are still in the process of being picked up fully, and which I think will help me out.

The Hare Krishna temple was lovely, I have to say. The people who live there are all incredible people, and the atmosphere is highly congenial.

I have taken back some rather superficial elements, namely that I will wake up at four in the morning, and that I will sleep on the floor. The latter is just to try to make it easier to do the former, and also to promote somewhat of minimalism. So far, whilst at times earlier I was struggling to get up at four, the issue has largely been that I don't fill the time well. I have plans to read, study, do exercise, meditate in that time, and it doesn't really happen so often.

The superficial change though promotes another change: less use of technology. I have actually blogged a bit less this month, too.

The temple has made me reconsider a few things. The main one, is that I am not sure of the way that I am living my life. I have doubted my job for a while now, and I am not sure whether I want to continue working like I am, or whether I want to, say, go live at the temple and lead a life on the farm there, or whether I want a job that is a bit less demanding, and pays my way without such stress. (Not that, honestly, my job is that stressful - it is demanding, though)

I'm really not so sure.

Guitar and mandolin (and violin)

Guitar has largely fallen by the wayside; I have barely touched it. I've played a fair bit of mandolin, and enjoyed it greatly. Losing my Religion is still not amazingly played, but it's improving. I've added an extra upstroke at little jingle in the chorus, which and generally tried to improve my left hand playing so that I don't get cramps. It's getting better, and I'm happy for that.

I also want to take up the violin a little. I will begin lessons, ... soon.

Allotment

I've done a fair bit of work at the allotment, which is good. Sowing a few things, etc. Not everything has been golden, and in fact I have realised I am very late in doing it. For instance, I don't have any tomatoes this year, as my seeds didn't germinate. Hey ho.

I'll continue to work on it as much as I can, but I am actually not too attached to it. That doesn't mean I won't be invested.

Days out

I had the week at the temple of course, which was truly incredible.

I also had, at the beginning of the month, a show of Turandot I saw at the opera house. Towards the end of the month, I, sitting in the garden of Olave's church at Fenchurch Street, discovered that they do recitals every Wednesday and Thursday. I went there a few times and saw the recitals, great!

I went to the Guildhall School of Music and Drama too, to see piano being played. Absolutely exquisite.

In all?

A worthwhile month.

After a long walk

Sun, 06 Jul 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I went for a long walk today, around two and some hours. It has been a very long time since I went on a walk like this, and in all it was very enjoyable.

Towards the end, I was getting noticeably exhausted, and I ended up walking along the road, almost half dazed, singing Jovano Jovanke in my head and fiddling with a rose I had plucked by Waitrose. It was a form of nonchalant bliss.

There was a cycle event on today, and at the lights, a woman said to me something. I didn't hear in full; the end was cyclists who actually stop at the lights!. I just nodded and went yeah, not really listening in full, but then I found myself oddly aggrieved.

I am not sure why; I do think that kind of stereotyping attitude is bad to have. In my head I was saying to myself not all cyclists!, or the like.

Then, I began to question why I reacted like that. I found that things that happened in the environment, for instance a car bibbing its horn at another car, threw me and agitated me, unsettled me.

Whyever did this happen?

I want to be relaxed, and not be so easily set in agitation by the machinations of the city.

Fussing about the details

Wed, 22 Jan 2025 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 75 of 100DaysToOffload)

I'm watching this thing about a vegan diet, and whether it is good or bad, and compared to an omnivorous diet. I am thinking I'm not sure whether it matters. For people who are professionals, I think it does; I need to remember that I am no professional though. For me, the basics, namely: work out hard, eat largely healthily, avoid food you know is bad (chocolate, etc.), try not to be stressed... are all I need.

Then consistency over a long period of time - the most important factor.

Fifty in Fifty

Thu, 08 May 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I haven't written much on the blog recently. I tell myself I'm busy with other things, and then I go and have about four kips every day.

This is unacceptable! Therefore, I will be undertaking drastic measures. I will henceforward partake in the Fifty in Fifty challenge.

I'm probably not going to answer them in order, but I'll update as and when I have completed them with a link to the post.

Afterwards, maybe I'll even do the next set of prompts. One step at a time.

Answered

What hobbies have you had in the past that you no longer have? What happened?

What are your favorite books and why?

How do you feel about alcohol? Is it something you enjoy? What do you like? What do you dislike?

What is your current relationship with technology? Do you enjoy it? Does it cause you anxiety?

What is your relationship with your phone? Does it make you happy or sad? Do you get a new one frequently or infrequently?

Do you have an /Interests page on your blog? What is on it or what would you put on one if you made it?

Are you retired or working? What are your plans for retirement?

What are five issues that have affected your political life?

What kind of decorations do you have in your workspace? What do they mean to you?

Have you been to a memorable concert? What made it stand out to you?

Are you an early or late adopter of technology? What makes you that way?

What is your typical day like from the time you wake up until you go to bed?

What is your favorite food? Why do you like it? What is your history with it?

What is the most memorable job you've held?

How do you like to watch movies? Are you a theater goer, a streamer, or do you like physical media?

How do you feel about writing? Is it often cathartic, fun, a chore?

Do you have any good or bad stories from your relationship with social media or Internet communities?

Have you ever had a brush with celebrity? Write about it.

Are you an exerciser? What physical achievement are you most proud of? Ever play any sports?

On what subjects are you outspoken and on what subjects are you mostly mute?

Why do you like your favorite restaurant?

What woman in your family do you most admire and why?

What do you like to read? Books, newsletters, doomscrolling, blogs, paper magazines?

Write about a news event from when you were still in school and how it made you feel.

What societal problems is your region known for and do they affect you?

What has your relationship with music been like throughout your life?

Do you consider yourself to be an international person? Why or why not? If so, write about people you know or have known from other countries.

A road trip you've taken that was memorable

Write a #FollowFriday with the names of your favorite bloggers or social media follows and why you like them.

What do you remember about your first computer and learning to use it?

Do you have a set of rules or guidelines for your life? Did you write them? Why do you use them?

Can you make a list of 20 moments in your current or past life that you would classify as sublime?

What's your relationship with physical labor? Do you enjoy, accept or avoid it?

Is there a particular country other than your own that fascinates you? Why?

What kind of adventures have you had pursuing your hobbies?

What things are easy for you to write about? What things are hard?

What words of wisdom would you give to your younger self?

What is your all-time favorite story to tell from all the jobs you've held?

What is something you are passionate about and why?

Unanswered

What is or was your relationship with people from your parent's generation?

Do you have any unpopular opinions or dislike something that many people like?

What is the funniest book or TV show with which you are familiar?

Do you have a gratitude practice? Why or why not? What sort of things are you grateful for?

Write a review of your favorite album. What lyrics mean something special to you?

Is there a special food from your region or heritage that you a particular appreciation for?

What is your perfect record album?

Write a book review of the last book you couldn't put down.

What is the most scared you have ever been? Can you write about it? (Don't dig up trauma for a blog post)

What's the last trip you took? Was it fun? Why or why not.

What do you remember being a big deal to adults during your childhood or teenaged years?

50 in 50: Do you have an /interests page?

Fri, 09 May 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I don't, but I'm going to now I've answered this...

I have a lot of interests, some which are more important and others which are just things I happen to enjoy. For example, I enjoy writing with a fountain pen, but I wouldn't call myself a fountain pen enthusiast or say that fountain pens are one of my hobbies.

I would say some of my main interests, are:

Music, learning the mandolin. I also want to start learning the violin, and think I've largely given up on learning the guitar; that isn't to say I won't pick it back up again.

Languages. I have learnt German when I was younger. I also have somewhat of an understanding of Norwegian and Japanese, but not fluent by any means. The two I want to learn now are Italian, and Latin.

Gardening. I've got an allotment and like to do gardening at home too. That said, I'm not very good at it.

Reading. I do enjoy reading, but don't read as much as I would like. Still, I do spend a fair bit of my time reading all sorts of different books.

Well, the rest I'll just put on the actual page!

Nature doesn't want me to sleep

Sat, 08 Mar 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I decided tonight to do this thing called being an adult, which is apparently quite popular nowadays, and went to bed at a (shock, horror) reasonable time. I sort of faded back into consciousness after a while of being asleep, and heard a rustling on the desk beside the bed. Odd... maybe it's the curtain brushing aginst the chocolate... turn the light on: nope, it's a mouse.

The grey thing rushes down onto my bed and under it. I get up, in shock and resignation.

I try to rearrange things a bit so that I can catch it. No dice. The thing moves so quickly, I feel a little bit like I'm playing a video game with a character with incredibly low speed, and I am just getting darted from left to right to centre: even when I try to be smart and predict its moves I find out that actually it's even quicker than my predictions, and I'm outstripped again.

I end up getting it to go away from the desk, and instead move towards the chest of drawers at the back. I keep the door locked so it can't escape (just me and the mouse, together, alone) and try to trap it in a bit, etc. Again doesn't work. I move out most of the items from the floor and chuck them onto the bed (which is hardly even looking like a bed at this point) so it's a bit easier for my visibility.

Eventually, I managed to lure the little terror into one position with a bit of ginger nut biscuit (not an advertisement, but they are clearly very pleasant, as I had about four with my tea earlier and this mouse has had god-knows-how-many) and then scare it away into the corner of the room, locked in to the right by the chest of drawers. I block its exit with an old photo frame and the book I'm currently reading, Retrieving Nicaea (I wonder if Athanasius ever had to capture a mouse at gone midnight) and then... wait, it's disappeared! How?

I check the other side of the chest of drawers just to make sure it hasn't escaped, but there isn't really enough room for it to make it through behind, and I can't see it...

Hold on. Left in the little section I've trapped it is a roll of (I think) old flooring. I wonder, if I lift it up...

It had climbed into the tube of flooring.

Gotcha!

I keep the tube upright, slowly move it out of the corner and to where there is a bit of room (feeling a little bad as the mouse's tail kept getting stuck under the edge), then slipped a very thin book ("Sea and sky in watercolour", by Arnold Lowrey) under the tube and carried it away, chucking it out. It scampered away posthaste.

So, all done. The problem is, I now have to worry about whether that was the only one. And if it won't return. I'm sort of a bit paranoid that every little rustle or squeak or anything I hear could be another mouse coming to eat my chocolate. For what it's worth, I'm going to chuck that chocolate now, because I don't know where and how much of it the little bugger has been nibbling away at.

So much for me getting a good night's sleep. Nature clearly doesn't want me to sleep.

ps. And, as I go to check my RSS feed now, what is the first post I see? This, with some woolly mice. Oh, the world is both cruel and hilarious sometimes.

Weeknote 2025-W42

Mon, 20 Oct 2025 00:00:00 +0000

As usual, I've done a terrible job of writing down what I did.

Monday

No recollection.

Tuesday

Yoga in the evening. Other than that no recollection.

Wednesday

I went to the music at the church at lunch as usual. No idea what I did in the evening.

Thursday

I went to Hobgoblin (the music shop by Tottenham Court Road) and experimented with different picks, as well as looking at the instruments. The mandolins there look so nice... some with scrolls, and that lovely yellow-orange colour, and also the citterns and the octave mandolas...

It's too tempting!

Friday

Saturday
I went to the mandolin meetup. It was a much smaller crowd than I thought, and they were all very friendly. The group is much better than I am, but I will learn as I go along, and it gives me a good excuse to practise.

In the evening, I went to a rave at the Cause with a friend. It was good fun, but I was quite tired. I was dancing pretty madly an hour or two in (being fanned by two girls beside me, which was honestly a godsend) but then got very tired and was a lot more relaxed and more at the back for the rest of it, and spend a good deal of time outside chatting to people.

I do like raves, though. It was good fun.

Sunday

Recovering... And, also, I went to the cafe with my mother in the morning, and then did very little in the afternoon. Towards the end of the evening I spend a good deal of time tidying and slightly rearranging my room.

The whole time, I've been thinking I'd really like to get an oud...

Stats
Screentime: 1d 4h, or 4h 03m per day. Sheesh!

I've taken a step to lower my screentime - Youtube is now blocked, so I have to download my videos in advance. I'm going to limit myself to say, 14 videos per week initially, and lower it with time.

Average steps walked per day: 89,630, equating to 44km or 2800 kcal. Decent enough.

Reading

I finished Fictions, and started to read The Beast in Man.

M05 study update

... No update.

Languages

Italian

...

German

...

Music

Mandolin

Well, I went to the mando workshop!

Health

Exercise

No swims and no gyms.

Weight and diet

No update.

Change

Wed, 15 Jan 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I moved everything about in bedroom today. For a bit of change.

I think that a little bit of superficial change is sort of necessary. It helps refresh things a little; otherwise it becomes stagnant, and samey. Re-painting or moving things about isn't strictly necessarily: it's a luxury, it is a bit of fun. Yet, I wonder if it could be called a necessity. If we need that kind of novelty (to stave off mental complications) could we say that this kind of thing is essential?

I wonder. Either way, it's nice to get a different view on things; each placement of furniture has its positives and its negatives.

Weeknotes 2024-W49

Sun, 08 Dec 2024 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 51 of #100DaysToOffload, and written up from the on-paper version I write because the laptop stopped working)

First week of December, and a somewhat new set of foci. I spent most of the evenings studying LM2, took the exam on Thursday and passed (worry over!). That evening, I went speed dating in Streatham and had a decent night out (but all over thirties again, so no matches!)

On the weekend, I read and played guitar... my mum does a suaree (?) and I have been invited to the next one in April. We will play Norwegian Wood, and possibly another piece together.

(Addendum: I am also going to play Losing my Religion on the mandolin! I dread the idea of singing though)

Hung up on being good

Sun, 10 Nov 2024 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 34 of #100DaysToOffload)

I think I'm too hung up on the idea of being good. I want to be good at the gym (as in, have a good physique). I want to be good at drawing. I want to be good at guitar. I want to be good at the allotment. I want to be good at reading. I want to be good at writing.

Why don't I just, I don't know, do the thing? Ignore good altogether. Just, do it for the fun of it?

I write this blog, and do it solely for my own enjoyment. When I read, I read for my own enjoyment. When I go to the gym, I do it at least partly because I enjoy it, but also focussed on an end goal. Yet, for guitar, and for drawing, I don't do it to enjoy it. I do it to try to get somewhere. And then I get frustrated because I'm no good at it, and end up quitting for a while until I try pick it up again. It's been three months since I've played guitar, even though for a few months I was doing it consistently. It's been a few weeks now since I've drawn. I just need to do what I enjoy, I suppose. Don't force it to be good (as I won't be good) - just enjoy it instead.

50 in 50: What is easy to write, what hard?

Thu, 12 Jun 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I find it easy to just write flow-of-consciousness like this. I tend to write my entire blog in this style.

I also find it quite easy to write in a sort of overly-convoluted style, which I do often in my private writing, not so much on the blog.

What I struggle to write, and wish I could write more easily, is longer-form items which are well written and structured. Sort of the kind of thing that is found on Substack. I find that I cannot formulate my words that clearly, and in a way which sounds... professional, of sorts. I imagine that each piece takes a while to write, as well, and must be paused and resumed often, which I do not do: if I stop writing, I tend to just not finish. I don't do well with drafts.

Work in progress

Sun, 05 Jan 2025 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 61 of #100DaysToOffload)

I've felt for a while now that most everything that I am doing is a work in progress: it's not something I can feel proud of yet. For instance, I go to the gym and try to work out (even though I have slacked for some months), yet currently don't look altogether different to before: a tiny bit thinner, and a little bit more muscle in my arm. It's not completely noticeable, but I can see it on myself if I search for it. In terms of guitar, I'm playing it, and probably am improving slowly, but am still not that good in all. In terms of studying, I've still got a lot to do, and don't think I'm in an incredible spot and need to do more. etc etc.

Basically, everything is a work-in-progress. I sort of wonder when it will stop being a work in progress, and I'll just be satisfied with what I've got. After two years of the guitar, will I be happy? After I've done my Cert CII, or my Dip CII, will I be happy? Once I've got a good physique, or a six-pack, or whatever it might be, will I be satisfied with my body? Once I can do a barre chord consistently without issue, or play songs well, and feel confident I can perform, will I be happy with guitar?

I feel like this year, and the process of taking things day by day, will help me here: by the end of the year, I would hopefully have a set of things that I can be fairly proud of, as long as I keep consistent. And I do enjoy this slower pace of life, and taking each day one at a time. I just need to be patient. I have to remember that I'm only in my early twenties: I've got years yet before it's an issue!

Remote is reality

Thu, 16 Jan 2025 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 70 of #100DaysToOffload)

Prepare your child to exceed in the 11+ exam in the surrounding areas of $TOWN with our remote courses.

I think this exemplifies a change in thinking about remote work, and device use. I have heard that a young person nowadays uses their phone for eight hours a day, and sleeps for six and a half: thus, if phone use is a full third of their day, it essentially is reality.

Why would a child need to be in the surrounding areas of a town if the course is remote anyways? Surely, geography isn't a factor, as the course is remote.

I think, it is because screens are the norm now. Instead of being in real life and occasionally looking at a phone, we are now in a world where children have their whole life through the screen, and occasionally are dragged back into reality. (Kicking and screaming, if you've ever witnessed a four-year old be denied access to their parent's tablet.)

(I'm reserving judgement here. Of course, there is a lot of known evil about phone use: mental health and body image issues, content that tends ever more extreme, etc. But likely there is good in it too. I don't know: I avoid it as it is bad for what I want, but I wouldn't call it unconditionally bad.)

lowercase

Sat, 18 Jan 2025 00:00:00 +0000

(this is entry 73 of #100DaysToOffload)

ive written most of my blog with uppercase, and apostrophes littering my ims and its. its quite nice in a way to write solely lowercase, and gives an air of informality, an air of unprofessionality. a cosier, more inviting, sense. a sense that the author is more human.

im not sure whether id like to continue it like this going forward. there is a certain niceness to it, and ive definitely seen other peoples blogs be written in all lowercase, and it does appear quite good. i ended up writing a wv in mostly lowercase, 0103. it makes it a bit easier to type given the lack of needing to punctuate so often, but also loses something too, i feel. im not sure.

its a purely aesthetic decision, and probably doesnt matter. well, it doesnt, at all.

still, it would be nice to decide on the aesthetic that i want for the blog. the website is disgusting, and i dont really like it, but im not sure how it should look. i sort of thing the general format is good, though, that i have at the moment, and like the split between wv and blog and prose and poetry.

oh i dont know. ill call it here. i just wanted really to signal that lowercase exists as a potential in my mind, or has a certain significance. i cant write too many words about it, nor should i.

2025 Year in Review

Wed, 31 Dec 2025 00:00:00 +0000

2025 is over, and it's been a good year, I would say, in all. Keeping in the tradition of writing yearnotes, here it is for 2025.

As last year, this year has been very busy. I've accomplished a fair bit, I would say, but also a lot has changed.

I'll highlight some of things that happened this year. It might not be everything, but so be it.

Opera and ballet

After seeing my first opera (Eugene Onegin) in late 2024, I have begun to go a lot more. In fact, I don't really have a count of how many operas I have seen this year, but at some points I was seeing two or three a week!

I've also seen some ballets, and went to see a lot more music. Particularly, I have found that I am listening to classical music a lot. It's been really good, and feels like a new hobby I've sparked up.

Music and mandolin

Music has, as above, definitely become a bigger part of my life. I've kept up playing the mandolin all of this year, and really enjoy it! In September, I joined a mandolin ensemble, which meets monthly. I absolutely love it, and want to carry on going next year.

Study

Whilst I've certainly not been so studious as last year, I have carried it on, and completed the IF2, meaning that I have now completed the Cert CII. I have also begun studying the M05 Insurance Law, as a part of my Dip CII, which will take a few years to complete. It's very dull, and stressful as I am somewhat behind on it, but nonetheless worthwhile.

Allotment and gardening

Here is somewhat a point of failure. I did not go to the allotment very much at all this year, and mostly just tided it over. My parents have taken over a good deal and are doing a very good job. Most of my section this year was fairly bare, and even my potatoes didn't produce anything (actually, they fruited instead!). I feel the allotment is somewhat slipping away as a hobby I can do, given there is so much else to do in life. As such, for next year, I really want just to have some perennials, and some flower borders, and maybe a few easy crops. I have also planted a good deal of spring and summer bulbs (daffodils, hyacinths, tulips...).

In the garden, the border I created in 2024 grew quite well. I did not sow anything, rather relied on the seeds from last year to come through. They did, resulting in a mass of calendula, sunflowers, cornflowers, and nasturtiums. A kohl rabi I left there from the year before entered its second year, and flowered profusely (with radish-like flowers, very delicate and pretty).

The lower section of the garden was rife with amaranth where I scattered some spent heads about, which was rather pretty in its own way. Underneath, a few strawberries also make some decent growth.

Still, happy in all. It's become less important to me in life, but I still enjoy it a bit where I can.

Reading

I had planned to read 24 books, and had even gone so far as to specify what those books would be. I didn't read those, and ended up reading 25 in all:

Sense and Sensibility

Lolita

The Architecture of Happiness

The Pleasures and Sorrows of Work

Die Wand

Altered Traits

Economic Possibilities for Our Grandchildren

A Court of Thorns and Roses

Sri Isopanisad

Never Let Me Go

Nocturnes

La boheme

The Death and Life of Great American Cities

A Pale View of Hills

The Anxious Generation

1Q84, parts one two and three

The Four Beauties

The Yellow Meads of Asphodel

The Gift

A Breath of French Air

Fictions (Borges)

The Beast in Man

The City and its Uncertain Walls

Understanding Media

Can-cans, Cats, and Cities of Ash

A decent selection! Still, next year I want to read more.

The Phone

So, I wanted to use the phone less this year. Actually, I made a very good start, because I went a full month at the beginning using the phone for less than 25 minutes per day!

And it deteriorated over time. In fact, at certain points during the year, my screentime was close to seven hours. This was largely not active use, and was instead me leaving the screen on as I listened to Modern Wisdom or the like whilst working. Still, it's a lot.

It is therefore back "out of control". Still, next year, I am going to try reign it in a bit more, and in fact will be a little stricter than before, I do hope.

Talking of the phone: I actually broke my previous phone on a holiday this year. I had had it for some eight years, and so had to find a new one. I struck upon a Oneplus something-or-other, which has the ability for the phone to be rooted and loaded with LineageOS, which I have done. It only cost £91, too. Bargain.

Nail-biting

In a similar vein to the phone (i.e. vice), I managed to quit nail-biting this year. It was a great difficulty and first, and then I managed to go several months without, and then started again, and then stopped, went several months without and eventually got to a state where I was painting my nails regularly to prove I had succeeded, and then... started biting again. At present, they are not terribly short but also have not had the chance they should have to get to grow long. They are still being bitten a fair bit.

Still, I am happy about making the kind of dent in this vice that I have. It's a great success.

Gym

I did not go to the gym much. In the beginning I had resolved to use weights at home instead, but found I did not do that after a while. Then, I purchased again the gym membership late into the year, however have not used it much of at all.

I've lost and then regained weight. It's my usual pattern. Hey ho.

Dating events and apps

So, this year, I began to do more dating events, such as those from BODA or Haystack Dating in London, and am also on the dating apps. Specifically, Hinge and Breeze. Frankly... I am not getting much success on either. My problem is that I don't really have many photos of myself, because I do not take any, and of course whilst others might, I do not have access to them.

Still, not a major concern. It's good to go to them also just to build up my confidence a little.

Holidays

In February, I went to the Buddhist temple in Watford for a week. This was a part of the Be A Monk challenge. Honestly, it was downright lovely, but I by this point have essentially returned to my normal life. Still, I really appreciate the people there. All wonderful people. I do also see the Hare Krsna people about town a bit more now. I suppose it might be growing as a movement, or I am just more aware of it.

In July, we had the usual Cornwall trip, though this time was to Newquay instead. Good fun as usual with friends.

In October I believe, me and a friend of mine went to Cardiff for a few days. We largely walked about, visited the castle, etc. but it was all good fun. I feel in a way me and him are drifting apart, but it is good to see him still.

Just before Christmas, I went with another friend to Amsterdam for a few days. My first time there and his too, it was great fun. A few nights out on the town, walking about a lot, etc. I want to go back there on my own for the cultured sights, and also will likely go back with him and some others in 2026 for King's Day.

Against last year, and 2026

I notice how, at the end of 2024, I wanted 2025 to be a more minimal, more focussed year, and decided in advance the ways that I would do that. In 2025 now, I am thinking I want 2026 to be a smaller, more focussed year, and am wondering how I can do that. It seems I always want the same thing, and never achieve it fully, so am always a little dissatisfied. Yet, I also know that what I want to achieve is inherently dissatisfying, so even if I achieve it, I won't be happy. It's a difficult one, but I think it is still worth pursuing.

So, I'm not going to specify how so concretely, but I think I need to still have the same goal in mind, whilst realising that it doesn't matter too much if I achieve it or not. I need to live my life. Still, I also want to be able to look back and say I've achieved things.

I am writing a 26 for 2026 with goals, so I suppose that can be what I want to achieve. Much of it will change, I suppose though. The same general goals as last year apply: Study, Fitness (like, actually. I tend to lose weight and then gain it back again, and have done that some twice this year), Music, Reading, and so on.

I think the good thing this year is that I have, largely, been happier. Yes, I have had quite severe depressive moments. In March, I lost an entire evening to depression at one point. And now in December, I am beginning to have times where my mood seems to suddenly drop. Yet, that is what it is. In all, I am much happier, I do think. That cannot be understated.

In conclusion

It was a good year. I found new hobbies, found new people, make a good dent on some of my vices, and progressed a bit. Sure, it wasn't perfect, but that is life. I can't beat myself up about it too much.

I told myself I would probably be happier this year than last, and that's come true. I really hope that next year, I can say the same, and also say that I've made good progress.

Anyways. That's all. Merry Christmas, and a happy 2026.

26 for 2026

Wed, 10 Dec 2025 00:00:00 +0000

Last year, I set myself 25 goals for 2025. I don't think a lot of my goals were really achievable, and I also change my focusses during that year, which meant that the goals I set weren't really all that good.

Still, I think it might be good to try to do it again, but this time of course it is 26 for 2026. I'm going to try set the goals as more realistic, and see where it gets me.

Gym and Exercise

I really let exercise slide this year, so in 2026 I want to get back on track. I want goals which are not too punitive, but also reasonable.

1. Go to the gym 96 times in the year. This amounts to eight times per month, or twice a week, which I think is perfectly feasible!

2. Lose a stone and keep it off.

3. Be able to do twenty press-ups in a row, and five pull-ups.

Reading

4. Read 36 books. This amounts to three per month, which I think is feasible if I focus more time on reading compared to other things.

5. Read one book in Japanese.

6. Read one book in Italian.

Blog

7. Write weeknotes and monthnotes for every week and month of 2026.

8. Write 100 blog posts in all. The weeknotes and monthnotes count towards this - so really I've only got 36 extra posts to write!

Mandolin

9. Attend all twelve mandolin meetups.

10. On at least one day, spend a full six hours just playing mandolin.

11. Record myself playing at least twelve pieces. This amounts to one per month, and will let me look back on how I am progressing a little. After all, I would like to be able to progress slowly, to the point where I am maybe eventually able to perform.

12. Work towards achieving my mandolin grades.

Overcoming bad habits

12. Do not bite my nails for a six month period. I managed several months in 2025 before returning to biting again from stress, so the plan is to stop biting and keep it up in 2026.

13. Go two full months with a maximum of 30 minutes of phone use per day. I managed a full month in 2025 - now to up the stakes.

14. Go two more full months with a maximum of 60 minutes of phone use per day. The plan next year is to really keep technology under control.

Study

The main studying I am doing is for my insurance, and likely it is best to keep it that way - I don't want to be so overwhelmed.

15. Finish the M05.

Allotment

I have somewhat neglected the allotment this year, and so in 2026, I do want to do it more, but of course also need to acknowledge time is limited. I'm taking steps to make it easier to manage, but either way I need to be consistent.

16. Go to the allotment at least once per week.

Experiences

17. Visit a new country.

Miscellaneous

18. Take at least fifty photos. I don't take many photos generally, and am slowly coming around to the idea that I do need to take some photos at least, so that I have some record of what I've done. As I've learnt from the Modern Wisdom podcast, not taking photos is a reaction against taking photos exclusively for social approval, but that is actually a non sequiter. I can still take photos for my own sake.

Rest yet to be decided...

50 in 50: Favourite Work Story

Sat, 14 Jun 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I don't really know if I have one, and I haven't held many jobs. I did enjoy my first job, which was archiving, or, essentially, taking staples out of paper and scanning them in (the paper, not the staples). It was very relaxing and gave me a lot of time to think.

I think there are plenty of stories of me being stupid at work that are funny. For instance, I couldn't figure out how to work the hot tap, and so spent three years just using the kettle instead. Once I was told how (you literally just have to press down on the button) I realised I was a bit of an idiot. There have been many similar cases of me being a little bit thick.

50 in 50: What woman in your family do you most admire and why?

Thu, 29 May 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I think I quite admire my grandmother. She is eighty now and is still going strong - the way she has lived her life has clearly been good to her. She is fully healthy and has taken good care of herself. I think she has lead a very good life, and acted very wisely, in all. Not to say I don't think she made mistakes: for instance, she was quite harsh on my mother when she was young.

I've actually sort of inherited a lot of things from her, and my grandad too. For instance, me starting to ride a bike, now I think, was probably inspired by my grandparents who still cycle. The allotmenteering probably is inspired too, because she also has an allotment and does a lot of gardening.

50 in 50: Follow Friday

Thu, 05 Jun 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I don't actually read much in the way of blogs, but when I do, some of my favourites in my RSS feed are:

idiomdrottning - for insightful political comments, and GTD, and much else

Protesilaos Stavrou - for poems, philosophy, and all sorts else.

And a few Youtubers, like:

Modern Wisdom

Not Just Bikes

There are others, but I will share the full RSS list somewhere else, sometime. I don't engage that much in media, nowadays.

2024 Year in Review

Tue, 31 Dec 2024 00:00:00 +0000

2024 has come to a close! I have for a few years written year end reviews, variously titled over the years. Here it is for 2024.

This year has actually been so busy and hectic, it's hard to look back over the whole year in any kind of consistency. I definitely have made good progress: I would argue this has been my best year so far. I think I am orienting myself towards better concerns, and implementing them better. I am developing a more coherent, if inconsistently applied, philosophy about life. In short, I am maturing a bit - about time, at the age of 23!

I'll add all that I can, but I probably will miss things or get the timings wrong on many things. First, though, let's start with what I normally start with: reviewing how well I did in the concerns I set out for myself in the last year end review.

My concerns in 2023 and how they went in 2024

Website

The website this year has done relatively well. I redesigned it, initially using a script written in Odin, then re-writing that script into Zig. I can now write my blog entries in a Markdown-like format (I call it kmd) and it converts to the finished HTML document when I build the website. There is still work to be done on this, and the website definitely could do with being better designed; still, I'm happy with where I am at.

I started in September #100DaysToOffload as a bit of a challenge, and realistically because I was already writing enough to do it easily anyways. I'm about halfway in, and should finish it by mid next year.

The Phone

In 2023, I tried to use the phone less, but failed. In 2024, I have ... not really tried that overly, and have somewhat more succeeded. A lot of my previous Youtube-viewing was replaced by reading blogs on my phone, instead.

There is a big reason for this: I can't actually access Youtube on my phone now in the first place, because I added it to the /etc/hosts file on it. Still, it's reduced my screentime I believe, to a few hours per day for most of the year. In December, as a part of my 25 for 2025 and trying to get ahead of myself, I have kept my screentime to less than 25 minutes every day since 13th Dec. I hope to continue that in 2025.

I reinstalled Whatsapp this year to be able to keep in contact with my family easier, and save costs over SMS. I did get my physical Railcard, which has made me a bit less "reliant" on bringing my phone about, but didn't really stop me from taking my phone with me to work, or indeed from using it (to browse blogs) at lunchtime.

I don't consider the bad habit of Youtube fully kicked, because I do still use it on the computer. However, I consider it much better now than it was.

Food / Allotmenteering

Last year, I did very well on the allotment for a first year. This year... was not so pretty. I had other concerns, and spend my time doing other things, is a part of it. It also wasn't a very good year for allotmenting generally. The spring was rainy, and well into May nothing could get started due to the excess of slugs and snails. Partly that was also my fault, though, as I didn't tend to the grass as well as I could have, and didn't take preventive measures against the snails until too late. My leeks did not grow well; this was my fault, as I tried a different method of starting them in trays, which was clearly not as effective as starting them in pots as I did the year before.

I didn't grow much at all, as a result, this year. My carrots kept failing; my tomatoes didn't root in well, and so didn't grow well at all (this was due to the lack of a good summer, I believe). My kohl rabi were completely destroyed by snails, etc.

What we did get, was a good crop of courgette from the garden, and a fair (but not incredible) number of Golden Sunrise tomatoes also from the garden.

I also created a new border in the garden, which grew very well with nasturtiums and calendulas, and some red sunflowers that exceeded two metres tall!

Essentially, this year was a poor year for me, but due to focussing on other things, and making several mistakes throughout the year.

The Bike

The bike saw slightly less use for travelling to the allotment, as I went less. It did see decent usage to and from the gym, though. It's not in the best nick, really, because I haven't maintained it well. At times haven't lubed it regularly, etc. I also have not been on many longer recreational rides.

The new bike has essentially seen no use at all. I have occasionally used it when my brother has borrowed my bike, but I haven't used it to cycle to work, opting to continue to walk instead. It's easier to just walk instead of navigating the folding and unfolding on and off the train. It also doesn't actually feel very nice to cycle on, due to the smaller tyres.

Reading

I'm not sure it's worth comparing myself too much against 2023, and it's going to be too much hassle for me to try. I think I've read a decent enough amount.

Plastic, and ultra-processed food

I was rather insistent at the start of the year on reducing plastic use, and not eating any ultra-processed food. I did this for the first few months, with a few exceptions for common products I sort of "need" (like soya milk) that are in plastic (or tetra-pak) packaging. Now, I am considerably more relaxed. That said, I do still shop more in Sainsburys to try to get veg without the plastic.

I think my diet has transitioned a little: I eat more in the way of grains/cereals now. Generally, my diet is fairly healthy at this point, I would say. The main problem I now have is that I still just eat too much.

Motorcycle?

I put this one with a question mark, that I could potentially take up a motorbike as a form of motorised transport. The problem is I was worried about all the inevitable problems in terms of pollution, noise pollution, contributing to congestion , etc. I haven't started to ride a motorbike this year, or taken my CBT. I'm still sort of undecided on it - for as long as I live in the UK, and there is no viable alternative to motor transport (we do have trains and buses of course, but there are still certain places that are impossible or extremely difficult to reach with public transport, and many places where it is prohibitively expensive and overly cumbersome) I might have to. For now, though, I will make do without. Likely, I will not get one in 2025 either.

What else did I do in 2024?

As I mentioned above, I didn't do very well in terms of the allotment this year not just due to the poor seasons, but also because I didn't put enough time into it.

Some new plant acquisitions

This year, we planted another rhubarb down the end of the garden, next to the original rhubarb that's been there for years now. The aim is to have copious amounts of rhubarb in a few years time once they are both mature.

I also planted a gooseberry, and a blackcurrant down the allotment, and at home a redcurrant and a pinkcurrant (in a pot).

I have awaiting proper handling a wineberry, a boysenberry, and a whitecurrant plant. I'll have to plant them out early in 2025.

Gym

In April, I started a gym membership. Now, I feel disappointed to say that I haven't done anywhere near as well on it as I wish I had. I have definitely improved: for instance, on the chest press, I went from managing about 20kg to about 47.5kg. I noticed that I got a bit more muscular, but am still not in what one might call a good shape. This is partly because some of the time, I didn't even bother with the gym: I didn't go at all in June and July and opted just to swim most every day instead, and haven't done much of at all since early November.

Still, even though I haven't done it enough to be pleased with myself, I guess it is something that I spent my time doing.

Studying

For work, I studied the LM1 and LM2 this year. I also studied the horticulture course that I started in Nov-23, and am halfway through (having completed four of the eight modules).

Guitar, and mandolin

I did a bit of guitar this year. I sort of did a bit in the later part of the year, then ended up not doing it for several months, and have done it a bit more consistently since end November. At the beginning of December, I bought my mandolin (only cheap), which has been absolutely great fun to play!

Speed-dating

As an attempt to actually start dating (which I have, somewhat intentionally, avoided to date) I have decided to begin with speed-dating. I've been on a few; they have all been with people older than me, and so I haven't really met anyone, but it's decent fun either way.

An aside on mindset

I feel I have adopted a bit of a strange mindset this year: a sort of more productive one, but one which lends itself to a more depressive tendency. In autumn, I found myself having to seriously review how I was thinking, as I was continually underperforming according to my expectations of self, and was inducing a depression in myself. I have found that several times (detailled for instance in wv 0019 wv 0033, or wv 0077, and wv 0092, I have had a form of tenderness, as I call it, which is a state not altogether new to me, but particular prevalent, and pronounced, this year of all.

I have also noticed that this winter, I have been suffering a winter depression - more lethargic than anything. I imagine that is in large part due to a lack of sunlight during the (nigh on non-existent) summer, but I don't know, really.

I am fully aware, though, that a large part of the depressive tendency I have suffered this year was self-induced: I intentionally acted in a way which I knew would compromise my mental health; I simply did not realise it would affect me so strongly.

For next year, I really do need to find a way to continue my goal of self-improvement, whilst being somewhat permissive and allowing of my flawed state, and not compromising my health in doing so. I'm not sure how that will look; potentially, I will also grow to cope better.

So, what will I do in 2025?

I have really detailled this greatly elsewhere, so I will be rather sparing in terms of my words here. I have created a 25 for 2025, which sets out some goals I aim to complete in 2025. To guide me, and to provide myself a sort of way of thinking, or clear outline, of what I desire, I have also set forth some themes for the year. These are mainly four: Health, Allotment, Guitar, and Study. I have noticed rather too late that, rearranged, these can form the unfortunate initialism SHAG.

Within that, there's quite a lot to focus on. The allotment itself is a lot of work; guitar and mandolin require daily practice; study is continuous and I've got not just the RHS, but also IF2 now, and whatever ones I do next for the Dip CII for work; then, there is of course exercise, which will not be frequenting the gym, but rather doing daily (if at all possible) skipping, running where I can (to try to get a 5k under my belt next year), and general weights etc.

What I hope to achieve is to have a more focussed routine, that I can patiently go through, ensuring that I take each week in its turn, and so, by the end of the fifty-two, have accomplished a fair progress in the four concerns that I have set out for myself. Naturally, one of these is reset each year, but in terms of the others, I could achieve:

A familiarity with the guitar and mandolin, which can translate into a better confidence with the instruments and general better musical acuity.

A thinner body, that has better health (from the skipping and running/cardio), and also that... looks better, frankly. Less chubby.

Completion or near-completion of the RHS, and completion of the IF2 (thus achieving the Cert CII) and maybe halfway toward the Dip CII?

This more minimalistic, and regular lifestyle, will also, I hope, allow me to also get better finances (since my expenses ought be fairly few, and well accounted for). I will of course have nights out, etc. and try progress generally on all fronts of my life, bit by bit.

In conclusion

I think I can have 2025 be a great year; I've improved slowly each passing year, in what I think are somewhat exponential gains. Each small improvement is definitely getting me to a state that I think is desirable. I think 2024 has been the largest leap so far; I've made some serious improvements. 2025, I am, to consolidate these, and reduce and concentrate down into a more distilled form to allow a better progress. In other words, it is a distillation of my priorities, and a form in which I hope to make rather appreciable improvement in each of them, whilst also keeping up with all of the usual concerns of life.

I'll see how it goes. I may underperform; I likely will; so be it. I think the key for myself will be to take each day as itself, and do the best I can do in that day. Then do the same for the next day, and the day after. Consistency, dedication, and hard work, is what will afford me the life that I want.

With that all said, have a good new year. I am not sure if anybody will actually read this, apart from likely myself at the end of 2025. Hopefully you kept true on your word, if it's future me reading. I doubt you will be happy, but rest assured, if you've done your part, you're probably happier than me.

Good night, and have a good 2025.

Weeknotes 2025-W23

Sat, 21 Jun 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I'm getting later and later with writing these weeknotes...

Monday

I saw my friend in the evening as is custom, but otherwise did nothing of note.

Tuesday

I had a nice bit of spaghetti for lunch, and went for a walk. In the evening, I went to see Eugene the ballet. Really good, and far better than the opera! I ate a doughnut that I regret eating (way too sweet) beforehand, and had dinner at Fatto a Mano by Trafalgar Square, which, nice as the food always is, I struggled to finish this time.

Wednesday

I tried Marugame (Japanese place near Liverpool Street). The food itself was subpar, but the style (Japanese) is lovely.

I went to the allotment and planted out tomatoes and a pumpkin in the eve.

The chocolate from Tony's Chocolonely arrived.

I've also been overcome by a desire to learn Georgian; of course I know I shouldn't...

Thursday

I ordered a lot of books, but otherwise little of note.

Friday

I bought some new pens and inks. In the evening, I went to see some piano which was lovely.

Saturday

My screentime was very high I noted: 20.5 hours over the week to this point. Apart from that, I went to the cafe as usual.

Sunday

I wrote a good few 50 in 50 entries, weeded the garden and pruned the grapevine, did some sudoku, listened to Software Engineering Daily with Herb Sutter and Steve Klabnik, went to a picnic in the park nearby us and slept the entire afternoon.

Blogging as social media

Tue, 11 Mar 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I have, for a good chunk of my life now, decided not to use social media. To be more specific, I think social media has to be divided into two, namely:

the scrolly aspect of it, I think younger people call this brainrot

the "popularity contest" part of it, or basically actually posting yourself

And I decided not to use either.

My reasons for not using either were that the "scrolly aspect" is just... draining. It takes away time and doesn't give you anything for it. I think that consumption of media generally can be a good thing: to read a book is good, and podcasts and Youtube videos can be helpful in learning about (or introducing) a topic, but the scrolling doesn't really do that. It just wicks away time.

The popularity contest part, or the posting really, has never really been my thing. It's too statistical... "I've only got 100 likes, it's not enough!" and frantically worrying about that and what you need to do just isn't for me.

That said, I'm doing this blog now. I think there are potentially some major differences. Firstly, it's almost... without an audience. Or at the very least it is not actively shown to anybody, but anyone who looks at what I write does so in their own spare time by their own decision. It's also a lot less clear to see who is reading the blog: I do have Umami statistics, but it's unclear to see what is bot traffic or just me, against what is other people, and I don't even really check it that much anyways. Certainly there is nothing like your latest post got X views that I can use to decide what is "popular" or not. If there was, honestly I think I'd enjoy it less. I like the ability to just write the post post, go to the site to check it all looks ok formatting-wise, and forget about it. In that way, it almost doesn't feel social to me. I've written notes and journalled etc. for a long time, and this almost feels like just another form of writing, instead of actually something I'm doing with, or for, others. It's a solitary act.

Another part is, it's not really possible to "compete" over it. As said, I don't even really have clear numbers on who and how many people read this blog (to the best of my knowledge, the number is zero) and definitely don't have numbers for anyone else. So, my writing isn't really changed my wanting to appeal to anyone. I'm not sure whether an audience would change how I write, but I think it would probably make my doubt myself at the very least. I do self-censor a little, as is natural, because there are certain things I don't want to put on the blog - but the work is mostly true to my own mind.

It does still involve producing content, and ... arguably it's for other people? I think, more than actually being for other people though, it's more written for the sake of it, or for myself, and just "happens" to be also visible by others.

I think, blogging probably does fill the same hole as social media. Reading blogs (even so far as reading in a feed like format, like RSS) is almost like the endless scroll... The difference I suppose is that you choose what you read, and it's almost less captivating, so it's easier to stop if you want. I don't feel any pressure to read people's blogs, but do it sometimes because it is fun. Likewise, blogging of my own isn't specifically tied to the other person reading it, but it is still the same idea of producing. It's the same act, almost, but phrased in a healthier way, if that makes any sense.

Weeknotes 2024-W44

Sun, 03 Nov 2024 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 27 of #100DaysToOffload, and my weeknotes for the week 2024-10-28 to 2024-11-03)

The week has been really neither busy nor not-busy, but here are some general updates...

Work

It has been really, really busy. There are all sorts of deadlines flying about (that frankly, I don't think I can achieve) and just everybody wanting everything now. I think because people (upper management) feel the project we are working on is coming to the final stretch, they just want up to get it done as quickly as possible. But that can't really happen, and things do (sadly for the dont-do-any-actual-work-but-boss-people-about upper-management) take a bit of time. Anyways, I guess it isn't so bad and I am doing my best, and that is all that can be said.

End of Inktober... not!

I am a week or so behind on my Inktober, because I haven't had any inspiration or motivation to draw. I will pick it up once I have time and energy and complete it.

Also, /thousands...

Is falling a bit behind. I haven't done my exercises much this week, and so really need to pick it back up again.

Gym

I've started to go again and am going to make a concerted effort to go for all of this month.

Diet

I think I might have lost a pound! But it is really hard to tell because the weight fluctuates; I'll see the progress in a couple weeks. I've definitely been eating a bit less, though.

And socially...

I saw a mate of mine on Wednesday for dinner, and then another mate on Friday and played Brawlhalla. It was fun!

Also, a family member (well, ex-boyfriend of a family member) was round on a holiday this week, so we saw him on Saturday. It was a nice evening of 'nosh and natter' as my grandma says.

Next week

I have the singles bar event to visit next week on Saturday, and am really looking forward to it.

Ok, that's all. See you next week :)

Weeknotes 2025-W28

Sat, 19 Jul 2025 00:00:00 +0000

A week that will be difficult, as I have not written many diary entries this week...

Monday 7th

I have no notes on what I did, nor any recollection.

Tuesday 8th

Work, and in the evening I saw Il Trovatore at the opera house. I had a lovely seat in the orchestral stalls, so could see it all from up close.

Wednesday 9th

The only thing I have written down is that I made fried egg for breakfast, though I also would have spent the day packing for the trip.

Thursday 10th

My friend picked me up for our trip to Newquay, and so the day was spent in the car travelling.

Friday 11th

We had a pub crawl in the evening, and were out until late in the morning. Good fun though - albeit I had to stop drinking after a while as I couldn't handle it.

(I broke my phone later, so whilst I did write notes on what I did, they are now lost. So, I am struggling to remember)

Saturday 12th

Sunday 13th

I ... actually can't remember what we did for either of these days. Maybe it'll come back to me later.

Youth and Blogshame

Sat, 19 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 16 of 100 for #100DaysToOffload)

I am 23. I feel as if I am under-developed in a way for my age, or really, that I am still young anyways, and say all manner of wrong things, regrettable things, and am in a deplorable state still.

Yet: I am blogging. And writing wordvomits, that are essentially streams of consciousness, often going into topics I wouldn't talk with others about. And, I am writing the poetry now, yet only really when I am in a poor mood (which is happening a lot recently).

Essentially, I am exposing my shameful aspects to the public.

I do feel a little shame about this: blogshame. Really, it is generally shame that I am doing something public before "my time", so to speak, before I am in a state that is acceptable to be seen by the public.

As a result, my blogs are likely immature and poorly thought through, and probably badly written, too. I've a prose section on the website but I don't even write any prose. I've a wordvomit section that is truly vomitous. I write the poetry only when I've a teenagerish melancholy.

So why continue? Ought I not buckle before the reddened cheek and spare myself the shame? No - precisely because it is shameful.

I will have here then the (dis)pleasure in a few years of seeing how I've changed. How I may have been melancholy over the winter, and immature over the summer, or ever improving, or remaining cyclically in the same place, or whatever it may be. I'll see, exposed before my hopefully-then-adult eyes my prior state, raw and obvious.

And it probably isn't half as bad I think it is.

And after all, I won't see it from mine own eyes.

And, regret is a luxury.

50 in 50: First Computer

Fri, 06 Jun 2025 00:00:00 +0000

My first computer was a typical Windows 8 Machine (later W10) that was fairly easy to use. The problem with it was that it only had 4GB of RAM which made playing games difficult. I always liked the aesthetic of DOS though, and would kill explorer.exe and open up cmd.exe to make it feel like I was on a terminal. Now I am on Linux regularly, this is literally what I use the whole time (I am always in the terminal, or the browser, and have a tiling window manager (river atm)).

I wasn't in the old days of PDP-11s of Commodores, though, so I didn't have the joy of that, and writing BASIC or Pascal on the terminals of yore. I wish I did, honestly - but I can still do it nowadays! (I actually recently bought myself, for the fun of reading, a Teach Yourself! Pascal book, from the Teach Yourself series normally containing language learning books.)

Reading List for 2025

Sun, 24 Nov 2024 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 45 of #100DaysToOffload)

In 25 for 2025, I noted that I want to read 20 (probably should be 25) books in 2025. What books will I read?

I'm going to try to read ones that I already have on my bookshelf as opposed to starting new ones.

(green = complete; yellow = reading currently)

Khaled Anatolios: Retrieving Nicaea

Jane Jacobs: The Death and Life of Great American Cities

Kierkegaard: Fear and Trembling

Kierkegaard: Repetition and Philosophical Crumbs

Mary Wollstonecraft: A Vindication of the Rights of Woman

Jane Austen: Sense and Sensibility

Kazuo Ishiguro: Klara and the Sun

Nabokov: Lolita

Nabokov: Collected Poems

Simone Weil: Love in the Void

Simone Weil: Venice Saved

Keiichi Sigsawa: Kino no Tabi V

Kafka: Der Process

Dostoevsky: The Idiot

Alain de Botton: The Architecture of Happiness

Alain de Botton: The Pleasures and Sorrows of Work

Alain de Botton: The Consolations of Philosophy

St Augustine: City of God

Ian McEwan: The Innocent

Robert W. Chambers: The King in Yellow

If I do these, it should put a pretty big dent in the books on my shelf that I haven't read.

It doesn't have a book in Italian: I'll continue reading and hopefully finish Io Non Ho Paura which will tick off that goal.

(Not really a) Weeknote 2026-W20

Sat, 16 May 2026 00:00:00 +0000

It's not really a weeknote. It's been so long since I've written one I'm just going to give a general update.

So, this year the main focus has been on two things: mandolin, and the gym. I am taking the mandolin a fair bit more seriously now, and whilst practice is occasionally... lacking, I am playing more often and making decent improvement. There is a concert coming up at the end of May, which I am hopefully mostly prepared for, and another one is planned for November. I am really enjoying the mandolin now: it's got the point where I feel fairly comfortable with it, and do not constantly have to fight with it. It's getting there.

I have also been going to the gym more often. I try for three days per week, although sometimes the number is a bit less. Generally, I can see more definition in my muscles now, and that I am happy for. I still need to lose a fair bit of weight, but the fact I have some definition does make me happy. I am also enjoying the gym a lot more this time around.

Recently I've started to watch a few movies, as well. I never really used to watch them much, and quite enjoy it. I tend to watch them on a Friday to relax after the week of work.

I have watched so far: Casablanca, Pulp Fiction, Amelie, Fight Club, Howl's Moving Castle, and Spirited Away. I'm sort of trying more for classic films that I know the name of but simply have never watched.

I've also been going out a fair bit more with the work lot. It's good fun.

That's basically my life at the moment. It's quite enjoyable, but I do feel a little bit like I'm treading water. Still, that is how it is. I have also been fair undisciplined on many things: I'm drinking which counteracts my going to the gym and losing weight, my sleep is often poor, etc. Still, it'll all get there, eh?

I do want to do weeknotes a bit more and actually maintain this blog, but I said that last time and it might not happen. So be it.

See you (not literally, of course) whenever next.

Weeknotes 2025-W19

Mon, 12 May 2025 00:00:00 +0000

Oh dear Lord these weeks are passing by so quickly.

Monday

May Bank holiday. I felt miserable for most of the day. Since I pulled a muscle on the Sunday, I slept in of the morning to let the muscle heal a bit, then went into town, studied my IF2 a bit, and read a good amount of Death and Life of Great American Cities.

I spent the afternoon clearing files from my computer, and sorting out my new password manager (it's still Keepass, but I'm trying to move all the various passwords from elsewhere all into one file).

I got a match on Hinge and started to message her, but she only gave me one word answers. She wasn't exactly my type anyways so I gave up fairly quickly.

In the eve, we went to the allotment and I put some beans and calendulas in.

Tuesday

My boss found out I am on Hinge and is really getting into it. Telling me I should change up all the photos, add some fresher prompts, etc. Basically trying to be my wingman. It's hilarious.

I ate a massive dinner: two greek style yoghurts (one soya (delicious) and one oat (pugnacious)) , two potatoes mashed, four sausages and some of my mother's bolognese. I spent the evening trying to implement a strcmpmany function in C++ using variadics. Got there in the end, and it's actually quite elegant.

Wednesday

I saw someone from the temple and we went to Eye Falafel for lunch. He was a convert, it seems! He suggested we go visit Sky Garden somewhen.

Thursday

Owing to my donning of a too tight sock the day before, resulting in my foot's sweating like a fat man in heat and swelling to double its size, I was beset with agony which I do not think it excessive to compare to the pangs of childbirth, albeit situated in my leftmost toe only. Besides that, I also did a 'pointless' blog challenge, and started 50 in 50.

Friday

I had a cider at half four, which induced in me a slumber until some quarter past seven, making me late to see my friend. We then played Borderlands 3 (the multiplayer does seem to work, but is highly fickle for some reason).

Saturday

I did various jobs in the garden, played a bit of mando, and we went to water the allotment too.

Sunday

Again, various jobs in the garden, and in the evening we went to see Madama Butterfly. The acoustics are not so great as at the opera house, but nonetheless it was a lovely performance.

Aesthetics

Wed, 07 May 2025 00:00:00 +0000

So much of urban planning concerns itself seemingly with practical concerns, like that of traffic management. Yet, aesthetic concerns are minimised in this view. They may be regarded as lower, or more subjective. Yet, traffic concerns stem from an aesthetic consideration too: for instance, congestion is seen as unaesthetic, detrimental to the human spirit, and the waste of time and resource appalling. For this reason, we desire more functional transportation.

Next: aesthetics are always sensed. Thus, beauty is in the eye of the beholder stays true. We ought not sacrifice beauty beheld by the city dweller for beauty beheld by the planner.

Month in Review: January 2025

Fri, 31 Jan 2025 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 83 of 100DaysToOffload)

It is approaching the end of January, so I figure I will write a month in review, going over all that has happened this month. I suppose this compliments the weeknotes and the yearly review, too.

Hobonichi Techo

It's been a month of writing what happened in each day in the Hobonichi Techo. I quite enjoy it. In the last few days of the month, and sometimes on weekdays where I wouldn't really do anything different to any other day, I would not write a lot. What has been useful though, is the tickboxes at the top of each day, which allow me to sort of work out what it is I want to do with each day just before it happens.

I've adopted a process, after writing this blog post on priority, of marking each with one thing that is my main-thing to do on that day. There have granted been the odd days where I haven't done this, or where I didn't actually do the "one thing" I had to do. Occasionally, the "one thing" would be something that I was going to do, anyways, like visit the opera. Still, it's been a useful idea.

Reading

I had on my list to read two books, Lolita and Sense and Sensibility. I read both of these. I also comtinued with The Extended Phenotype, and started a short book on Buddhism (outside of my 20 books list).

Guitar, and mandolin

I planned a bare minimum of eight study sessions to meet my target set out in 25 for 2025. I studied guitar seven times, and mandolin 12 times. So I think I roughly achieved that bare minimum.

I am definitely improving at Losing my Religion. I think I haven't done guitar enough, or with enough passion, to really improve. I have restrung both my guitars, though, for the first time: I haven't done a perfect job, but I'm happy I've done it at least. Then, I can maybe do it a bit better next time. (I actually still need to cut the top bits of string off, as I don't have the tools for it anywhere.)

Allotment

I didn't even go once. Still, it's covered over for winter so not a problem.

I'll start in Feb - we need to dig up the leeks anyways from last year, and also I need to start with sowing, e.g. if I want to crop early things like lettuce.

Study: RHS and IF2

I have studied RHS a bit, though honestly still not enough. I did get my mock back at get 85/100, which is decent, but I feel the conditions were a bit favourable. I don't have that level of confidence for the real deal.

I started IF2, though haven't actually begun to study it yet: instead, I'm waiting until I get RHS done early next month, and then will begin with IF2. Avoid having too much at once.

Exercise

I think I've definitely underperformed here. I had a goal to skip ten minutes each day, potentially do some running, as well as a minimum of 100 sets of weights. I did begin to skip at the start of the month, but found I sort of over-exerted myself: after the first day (where I did ten minutes) my legs were excessively painful and I was forced to rest for a few days. I did it in smaller numbers on later days, however stopped due to concerns about arrhythmias. Much later in the month, I realised that I could amend the goal, and decided that I would much prefer to be flexible than to have incredibly strong calves. As a result, I decided that ten minutes of yoga could also count towards the goal.

In terms of the sets, I "underperformed" here too. I think I got only some 86 done. That is fine though - it is vaguely within reason, and should hopefully be alleviates by a slight additional exertion I'll have next month. Fix my present follies, future me, this reads as...

Finances

I did quite well on this. I actually had a fair few additional expenditures, such as opera (La Boheme, where I bought Zizzis and a tea and a cider - totalling £40 or so, phew! also Jenufa), a violin (£75), guitar and mandolin strings (some £60), ...

Still, I managed to stick within the budget, more or less, and put away a good chunk of savings. I also got a £150 bonus and £311 back from previously unclaimed expenses this month, which was nice.

Shift in performance across the month

I definitely feel I had a bit of a shift across the month, where I started out highly motivated, and then towards the ended sort of fell into rote or routine, or basically was not as energised nor as productive. I think also, the concerns about the arrhythmias slowed me a little. The drudgery of work also despirited me a tad, especially given that on several evenings I was compelled to work late due to an overabundance of work.

On the up, I do feel a certain levity now, both as my workload at work has reduced (as has my backlog), and that I am generally in a way making a progress across things, and coming to have my work be a precursor to tasklessness. It is this state I think I really desire. Having things I need to do weighs greatly upon my mind.

All in all

A decent month, though I did devolve a little as the month went on. I will write up a prospective for next month, to try to avoid this continuing into the new month. I don't think this month was altogether incredible, but rather a process of finding out, and orienting.

Leisure and Productivity

Wed, 23 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 19 of #100DaysToOffload)

At first glance, leisure and productivity appear to be opposites. We are at leisure when we do not work; we are productive when we work. Leisure is relaxing, downregulating; productive work is stress-inducing, upregulating.

Yet, on a second glance, it seems like they might be orthogonal instead.

Can we have leisurely production? Well of course; programming in one's spare time, for instance.

Can we have stressful production? Well of course; blue-collar work yields this.

Can we have leisurely non-production? Well of course; sitting idle. In a way though, even that could be productive (of a mental state, not of a product).

And last, stressful non-production? We call that an office job.

50 in 50: Political Life

Fri, 16 May 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I am sort of picking off the easy ones at the moment. I don't have a political life. I am not interested in politics particularly, and essentially the most I do is vote (typically for Green party or Labour this time around - essentially to try get the Tories out).

I would like to do some politics, but I don't have the time between everything else I want to do. I'd like to advocate for better urban planning. Our entire country, except for London to a limited extent, has terrible motocentricity that causes all kinds of issues.

Activism

Fri, 22 Nov 2024 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 42 of #100DaysToOffload)

I don't do much of any activism. I do try, when living my life, to live well, but don't actually try to campaign to make any changes. I try to eat well, avoid (with exceptions that I know are wrong) ultra-processed food or plastic or that kind of thing as best I can: I know I don't always do a good job, but I do try a decent amount to achieve it. That said, I never do anything close to activism. I've been vegan (sort of: I'll need to write a blog post at some point detailling my diet) for fourteen years now, yet I have never done any amount of activism about it. I've never even put money into charities that do that job. I have divested, but never invested in the opposite.

Strange how I've managed to miss that.

Prospective: February 2025

Fri, 31 Jan 2025 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 84 of 100DaysToOffload)

This acts somewhat as a complement to my month in review for January, and is to give my intentions for next month, Feb 25.

A month in two

Next month will really have to be divided in two, with a certain continuity between the two, yet separate foci before and after. I must divide it according to before the RHS exam, and after that. Like a man and woman who become quadrupedal whilst hugging, there are certain races though I cannot await until the afterdays for, and which I must horsily gallop for as soon as the shot sounds.

Right from the start

So, those things I must start from the start for (a vague sentence).

Firstly, exercise. I really want to do well this month, and that involves a steady effort each day to get there. My minimum in Feb is 114, to make up for Jan's poor showing. I'll try for say, six reps per day, which will get me more like 180, or maybe 160 in reality. Basically, though, I can't slack on it.

In terms of skipping, this is being... replaced by yoga. It's ten minutes a day (a liberal goal), so I can easily do that.

I'd like to at least start to run this month, even if I don't actually get anywhere with it. Just to start.

For the first half

The first half has to be focused on RHS study. So of the four themes, it essentially will be STUDY and HEALTH.

For the second half

Once I've acquired freedom from the RHS exam, I can study with a bit more relaxation. I can then spend more time with GUITAR, playing my guitar, and the mandolin. Potentially also trying my hand a bit at the violin.

Other Things

I need to get an ISA, and a LISA, sorted out before the end of the financial year.

So, specifics.

Yoga: 10 minutes per day, or the same averaged over the days.

Weights: an absolute minimum of 114 sets (4 per day), ideally 6 per day (for 168). Aim for 160 as a target minimum.

Finish the first RHS exam.

Finish the RHS module six.

In all, thirty "ticks" (i.e. sessions) (over last month's 19) with guitar and mandolin.

Set up an ISA and a LISA.

Start making thoughts about what I'll grow: buy compost, sow some seed, etc.

Digital (quote unquote) Progression

Sun, 23 Mar 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I decided today that I would like to try and see some gigs later in the year, and decided I would watch the Arch Enemy and Eluveitie show at the Hammersmith Apollo.

So, I went to buy the ticket online, and, after the £1.50 processing fee was added onto the existing price of the ticket...

It said that delivery was only via Eventim.App.

And, somehow, that the delivery fee was £2.50.

Two problems. One, I don't have a smartphone that I can do that sort of thing on - my phone doesn't have a lot of the dependencies installed that make modern day apps work, and it suits me well generally. I don't want to lug my smartphone around with me everywhere. I don't want to have an app for everything I do. I want a good old-fashioned paper ticket.

Two, somehow, they've decided that, even though you can only get your ticket via the app, that (which is, I note, just the transfer of the odd few bytes) costs £2.50 to do, somehow.

It's amazing for the company. They get to save themselves the cost of... e-mailing tickets (itself not substantial) and letting people print them out as they please, and in return they get £2.50 free.

Well, it sucks then if I can't see the gig. I really would have liked it.

I'll email the help desk and see if it's possible to book it any other way, but it's just a shame.

People just say oh get with the times, and all that, but essentially it is the addition of something completely extraneous for no benefit. For instance, the telephone, when first invented, actually offered a good benefit. Previously it was not possible to talk to people at a distance; then, it was. Modern day "technological progress" appears to be a lot of taking things that were already possible (like booking tickets to shows - a thing that has been possible for several thousands of years now), and adding more requirements and dependencies (in this case, a device costing several hundreds of pounds, plus a particular configuration of software) to it, making it less reliable (apparently the app has reliability issues - I have never once had a "reliability issue" with a piece of paper that has the ticket printed on it) all to be able to ... provide tickets to a show. I don't want to "get with the times" when "the times" is evidently inferior to what came before.

When evaluating modern technology, I think it's important to try to distinguish between things that repackage existing possibilities in a shiny way, and those that genuinely improve the quality of life. I think they are fewer and fewer nowadays, but they must still be out there.

Love

Thu, 08 May 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I've been thinking about love. If I say that I love the mandolin, what does, or rather, what ought, that mean?

I think that love is primarily about service.

For instance, considering the mandolin, there are things that the mandolin gives me. The sound is beautiful, it occupies my spare time, and if I get good at it, there might be social benefits to it. That said, I think if I were to say that I love the mandolin because of what it gives me, I would be going wrong.

I think, fundamentally, love is an act. It is not a particularly pleasant act. To love the mandolin would be to dedicate as much of my spare time as I can as possible; it would be to think of it constantly; it would be to ensure that I serve it. It would be to play the mandolin even when I don't really want to. That is the act of love.

It is the same with a lover. Of course, a lover does offer things: companionship, sex, and the like. Yet, simply to receive the acts of the lover is not love itself. To love another is to offer oneself to them; it is to be in devotional service to them.

So, do I love the mandolin? I can't say I do yet. I want to; all I must do is offer myself to it.

Veganism, and being a nuisance

Wed, 09 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000

This is entry 7 of 100 for #100DaysToOffload.

I've been a vegan (more or less) for some thirteen or fourteen years now, most of my life. I spent my precious youth memorising lists of E numbers and whether they were vegan (so I could know for instance that E120 in Skittles made it non-vegan, E904 in sweets and E910 in bread (sometimes) are non-vegan, so on and so on). In terms of preparing my own food, I have no difficulty at all with preparing healthy vegan meals, really just as a factor of experience. Over time I've changed my viewpoint, to the extent that I am willing to eat eggs if they are from a good farm (definitely not shopbought) and our own eggs when we used to keep chickens, and I'm now considering eating snails and maybe molluscs. Even still, when it comes to food elsewhere, I would still eat completely vegan as I do not know the origin of the food.

And...

I'm going to Italy next week, and I'm searching around for restaurants that have vegan options. In the UK, this is nowadays pretty easy: just about everywhere has something, at least, and especially in London. It is one of the reasons I am happy for veganism becoming popular: I get to eat more food! Yet in Italy, I feel it is less developed in that way, and the diet is more traditional (which is good!) and has more meat, cheese, egg, etc.

The problem is, this means I will struggle to eat. I could of course ask for vegan versions (and I imagine 'una pizza senza mozzarella, per favore' will come up a lot) but a lot of meals just don't work in that way, or it's difficult to do. Honestly, it feels like a hindrance to me. It's less enjoyable than just being able to go to a place, sit at a restaurant and just always have something nice to be able to eat, without all this thought.

Now, I guess it is what I signed up for. I know why I am not eating these products: there is a suffering behind them that is hidden from me as an end consumer (because 'abbatoir' and 'a bit peckish' don't go together) which is what I am avoiding. Now, if I get served meat or cheese accidentally I can eat it, because the foodstuff is not the issue, it is the system behind it. I know this. But of course, going to a restaurant and having nothing to eat or maybe just one thing out of dozens is... aggravating. It makes me feel like the problem, and wicks away my enjoyment that I can't suspend my morals just for even one week, and be free to eat whatever.

I feel there is a similar situation with other matters, too, such as not using a normal phone. Since my phone has a custom ROM, I do not have mobile data etc. I cannot do the modern app-based things. It works for my use case, but for instance when we went on holiday we went to rent e-bikes. I couldn't do it, even after a bit of trying. In the end, I had to sit on the back of one whilst my friend rode it, which was pretty risky and terrifying...

It almost seemed like I was the problem, being the only one who couldn't do it. Which, sure, I guess I opted into, again, but I do wish in a way I could give up on it all and just be... normal. Even if normal comes at a cost I don't want to pay. Just for once, I'd like to take the path of least resistance.

And yet, I know I shouldn't.

Side-effects

Sat, 05 Apr 2025 00:00:00 +0000

With actions and tasks, it is possible to do them in a side-effecty way, and, a pure way. For instance, imagine you have to water a plant. You will require a watering can, which may be in some location. You go grab the watering can, fill it up with water, and do the watering. Then, you have one of a few choices.

You could:

Return the watering can to its original location (option A), or;

Leave the watering can where you used it (option B).

There is a tradeoff here. Returning it to its original location requires time, as you have to add another step of returning it to its original location. Option B has a cost, too: you will need to deal with the fact that there is now not a consistent place for the watering can to be, when you need to use it next.

With Option B, there are basically two ways to solve the "inconsistent place" problem created. The first, is to just, remember. Remember: I put the watering can by the dahlia last. The second, is to scramble about going: oh, where did I put the watering can...?.

The second clearly is a tradeoff that uses a lot of time, and as such cancels the benefit from not just moving it back in the first place.

The first, though, has a cost. More state needs to be maintained. Things become messy, intermingled. You might need a particular item for one task, and then for another, and so you have to remember where basically everything you use is.

As a result, the decision, whenever you are doing something, is: Do I want to do this action in a pure fashion? I'm using pure here in the sense of a pure function, though of course no action is truly pure in this sense. Rather, what I mean is, doing only the thing that you want, without having any other state changes incurred. Essentially, removing externalities.

Do I want the cognitive overhead of remembering where everything is?

Keeping things pure, or side-effect-free, has a benefit. If you want the watering can, you know where it will be: say, in the greenhouse. The same applies to everything: the toothbrush is always in the bathroom. Your wallet will always be either with you, or on your desk. Your cash and card will always be in the wallet. So on and so on.

It allows for a certainty with life. You are not going about and trying to constantly find things, remember where everything is. Instead, it promotes a form of stateless taskdoing. This is similar to what a todo list, or gtd accomplishes: you don't need to remember the state, just see the task and do it.

As for myself

I tend towards maintaining state. I put off the extra work of maintaining the purity of the state, with an idea that I am just lazy-evaluating the job to do. I view laziness as a virtue, not a vice. That said, I also know that I do it in a vicious way, whilst calling it a virtue. I just don't want to do the extra work.

I think, this goes hand in hand with the fact that I also jump between tasks. I don't say I'm going to weed this bed, and then just do that. I flit between beds, and weeding and sowing and... don't just focus on one thing at once. As a result, I tend to end up with many things on the go all at once, all in a bit of a half-baked state.

What I think I want, is to move toward (sort of) using gtd, deciding on a particular thing in my tasks list to do, and then just do that. At the end of each task, I can tidy up after myself.

This makes each task almost atomic, as well: an indivisible unit of productivity, with no other effects.

Caveat

A caveat will of course be the bunching of jobs. For instance, if I am at the allotment, then it wouldn't do to put my trowel back in the shed after every single thing I do. Instead, of course, I want to treat the allotment, or the 'session' as the task, and each 'task' almost as a 'subtask' where then I tidy up after myself after everything is done.

Weeknotes 2025-W13

Mon, 31 Mar 2025 00:00:00 +0000

Monday 24th
I wrote my weeknotes for the previous week (I'm tending to write them a bit late recently), did some tidying up of the house, and, after finding out about Arch Enemy the band (looking for a gig of Eluveitie - they are performing together in November at the Hammersmith Apollo) listened to them, added them to my list of songs (the "1k project" as I'm calling it - 1,000 song playlist) and decided I would go see the gig.

Tuesday 25th

I don't have anything in my notes which actually relate to what I did during the day, so apart from work, I don't really know. I've gotten a bit out of practise at writing up my notes at the end of each day as to what I did.

Wednesday 26th

I know (or am reminded), by entries that were titled Parakeets, and From the garden, that the train to work was diverted a different route, which took a lot longer (made me late for work), and let me see various people's gardens as the train went past them (a peek into their life - content of the second note) and one garden in which I saw five parakeets. They are wild and naturalised in parts of England now, around London. I also added in a thing to turn off the laptop automatically via root-level cronjob at 21.30. (Since the clocks have gone forward, it's now turned to 22.30, and I need to fix it.) It will mean that I am forced to bed at a reasonable time. I also went back home to drop back my parent's half of the bread pudding which my nan made us.

Thursday 27th

I came up with an idea for something to write. I think if I do try to write prose, the biggest challenge will be continuing that "flash of inspiration" throughout the daily drudgery. I refilled my pen as well (I know, exciting life) and didn't do much else.

Friday 28th

In the evening we went to see some comedians at the comedy club, who were ... alright. Not amazing though.

Saturday 29th

I did some cleaning about the house, watched some more of this video and in the evening we went to see The Darkness, who were really good as they always are. We had a can on the train up to London, then went to the Lady Abercorn's pub by Liverpool Street for pre-gig dinner before going to Wembley for the gig. Justin called out the people who spend the whole time on their phones, which he did the last time we saw them as well. It's good! Some people were recording him as he gave them the telling off... Or put their phones away for all of three seconds and then got it back out again. I suppose for a lot of people, it is really a "if I didn't film it it didn't happen" mentality. He made a cogent point: on your deathbed, you're going to be looking at pictures of your children, not that one Darkness gig you went to.

Sunday 30th

I got up very late, being a bit hungover from the gig (I actually only had three drinks. One on the train (Kopparberg iirc), one at the pub (Old Mout) and a revolting Aspall cider at the venue). I'm just out of practise - the last time I drank alcohol was god knows when, probably last july)

I went to the allotment, lifted up the pathing for the strawberries and did various other sundries in the lovely sun dry. My brother introduced me to Elisabeth Boudreault and I tried to find anything where she was playing, but no jam.

Priority in the singular

Sun, 12 Jan 2025 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 67 of #100DaysToOffload)

I watched the Modern Wisdom podcast with Rangan Chatterjee today.

At some point he mentions that priority should be in the singular. For each day he picks a priority, and only one, that he has to do in the day. Maybe finish writing one chapter, maybe spending time with his wife, or catching up with his children.

The Hobonichi tracker that I am using this year has a set of five tickboxes at the top of each page. I think I end up feeling as if there is a lot to do, and some days I really don't have much motivation. If there is only one task to do in a given day, then I feel as if I am not really doing that much, or accomplishing a lot. Yet, really, if I only do one thing per day, to quote Rangan, then I've done thirty things at the end of the month. 365 in a year.

Of course, the mentality goes like this: if I can accomplish 365 in a year doing only one thing, I can accomplish 730 doing two things a day! or, over 1800 if I do five things per day!. The problem with this is, it makes every day stressful, and sets too much pressure on myself. Instead, I should set the bar low but constant. Then, if I achieve above that, I can feel contented.

So, the takeaway from this is: I'll develop a bit of a notation for the Hobonichi: two slashes next to the goal mean: this is my one goal for the day. If I accomplish nothing else, I've still succeeded.

Only one per day -- priority should be in the singular.

Gradual, incremental gains. Turtle and the hare, etc.

25 goals for 2025

Wed, 13 Nov 2024 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 36 of #100DaysToOffload)

What goals do I have for 2025? I'll write down a list of what I want to do, and see how I get on at the end of the next year.

I'm going to try to mostly do the things that I've done this year, but improve on it, and try make valuable progress in all endeavours. Also, these start out as more important things that I want to accomplish, and get less and less important (to me) as well go down.

Gym and exercise

1. Go to the gym or work out 100 times, or try to get to 15% body fat (eyeballing it), or complete 1,200 sets of exercise in the year.
Progress:
(2025-01-25), 62 sets (5%).
(2025-02-14), 118 sets (11.8%). A bit behind track - I should be at 148 sets.

2. Run a 5k run without rest.

3. 10 minutes of skipping per day (average/amortized over time).
(2025-01-25) This goal is replaced by: 10 minutes of yoga each day (average over time).
Progress:
(2025-01-25) 20 min
(2025-02-14) 80 min - some 3-400 mins behind track

Allotment

4. Either try to go twice weekly, or at least make sure there is a nice harvest.

Reading

5. Read 20 books.
Progress: as of 2024-02-11, 7/20. Some three books ahead of schedule!

6. Read one book in Japanese.

7. Read one book in Italian.

Writing

8. Finish 100DaysToOffload. Progress: as of 2025-02-14, at 094 of 100.

9. Write two stories.

10. Write weeknotes for every week of 2025.

Studying

11. Finish the IF2 and RHS courses.

12. Continue studying Italian. If I can, take the GCSE.

Drawing

13. Do 100 drawings/sketches/paintings.

Guitar

14. Practise guitar 100 times. If I can, re-take grade I.
Progress: as of 2025-01-25, practised guitar 7 times and mandolin 8 times

Overcoming bad habits

15. Go a full month without biting my nails (and then keep it up).

16. Go a full month with a maximum of 25 minutes of phone use per day.
Progress: completed from 2024-12-13 to 2025-01-14.

Experiences

17. Never have an empty week.

18. See a musical, and a ballet.
Progress: saw the musical Wicked 2024-12-01.

19. Acquire a taste in wine, and go wine tasting (or to an enoteca).

20. Host a dinner.

21. Visit a new country.

22. Do a sensory deprivation tank.

Miscellaneous

23. Prepare birthday cards (bought or preferably self-made) for all family.

24. Identify points of disarray, or poor quality, and buy new if necessary... for instance, my wallet, or new pillows.
Progress: bought a new wallet in Dec-24. Introduced a new routine for managing clothes in Jan-25.

25. To be decided...

Any more for any more?

26. Save £9600 in the year - that is £800 per month.

27. Practise hara hachi bu.

Notes for 2026 until 2026-03-09

Mon, 09 Mar 2026 00:00:00 +0000

So, I haven't written anything for the weeknotes, I'll explain why.

January 2026

I had a pretty boring January, because in essence all of my time was spent doing coursework for the M05. I did a few other things, like going to the opera, etc. but largely had a boring month.

February 2026

I went on holiday at the beginning of Feb, and then ... not really sure all what I did. Some social events, music etc.

The main thing is that this month I joined another mandolin group. They meet weekly, and it gives me a lot more to practice but also more chance. I enjoy it and the group is very nice.

There will be a performance, too, later in the year, which gives me a good motivation to practise.

March 2026

It's only been the first bit of March so far so not a lot to say.

It's gone by fast

Too fast. I don't know why and I don't really like it.

Why haven't I written?

Because the laptop I write on has had a broken screen. It's still sort of broken, but it's got a temporary bit of life so I can write this at least. I need to find some time to take it to somebody to fix, or move everything off the laptop (code etc. for the website. The latter is better, probably.)

Soon I think I will bite the bullet and get a new laptop (or computer), as this one is very old and was only cheap anyways.

What are my goals and the like?

I've decided this month I will give up the allotment, and leave it fully to my parents who enjoy going there. This will save me a lot of time and relieve some struggle from my plate.

The focus for me is mandolin and health, then. I want to practice mandolin as much as possible, and begin going to the gym regularly, cooking more healthy food, losing weight and gaining muscle, etc. So essentially my plan is to lower the amount of things that I do, to hopefully make some good progress in the two main pursuits.

I also need to get my M05 insurance law finished soon and once that is done I will not study any more this year, or maybe even next year.

I want to basically do less but spend more time on what I will do. I want fewer hobbies.

The Blog

I will probably not write the blog again for a little bit, but I will try and restart it a little bit. I really just need to get a proper computer where I can actually write on. Of course, I also want to use the computer less anyways.

Anyways, the website might be a little dead for a bit.

External to nature

Thu, 07 Nov 2024 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 30 of #100DaysToOffload)

Humans, in cities at least, feel themselves external, privative of nature. Not just nature as in the green stuff; the natural order. A hunter-gatherer is a part of nature, and living with it; he cannot exhaust or destroy it; he knows that he hunts as an animal hunts, and as a part of the natural ecosystem. A sports hunter can exhaust and destroy nature; his weapons are unnatural and not his own; he is an intrusion on the system. He can destroy it if unmanaged.

I am considering for myself the case of eating snails. If they were farmed and then bought (in plastic packaging) from a shop, I might know it is unnatural. However, here I can consider myself a part of the natural order, albeit in an unnatural ecosystem. My extent will be at most forty snails a week, which is a meagre number. I have killed hundreds in a day before and still made no outsized impact. The unnatural portion is in the keeping, and in the processing. The joy of the allotment I suppose is that, for a small portion of land, I am pastoral; I am a part of nature. The system around it - the rent payment, the allotment-holding laws of the UK - and my life around it - computers, data, fictional database languages, societal abstractions - are all unnatural. In their artifice, I know I am a modern man. I go to the allotment, and cannot quite shed this feeling of being an imposition. Yet: I know I am the field-worker here; I know, for this small lot of land, I am, within great confines, in nature. I am no imposition.

Implicit is that natural is morally good. Of course, unpleasantries occur in nature too. The lion tears apart the gazelle, etc. I am beginning to think what is immoral is the modern human condition. Intensive industry, specialisation, abstraction, intermediation. Even the words used point to the said idea: we have so thoroughly incorporated the polysyllabic words of industry and science, that are lengthy and unwieldy. In contrast, are the traditional words: the emmers and spelts and porks of yore.

Weeknotes 2025-W21

Fri, 30 May 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I'm writing these up really late (the Friday after), but I am at least doing them! A full week of keeping the diary at night will help me remember, too. Yay for doing things that then benefit oneself in the future!

Monday

I got up late as I was very tired, and didn't do a lot. In the evening, I saw my mates and we played Dead Island 2. Quite fun!

I've started to have thoughts about other languages again, promiscuous promiscuous! Georgian, Mongolian, Tibetan...

Tuesday

We saw Phantom of the Opera in the evening. Really good!

Wednesday

I went to the station after work at four (starting at eight to make up the time), and went the Barbican for a disgusting falafel wrap and a lovely cinnamon bun, where it was very busy as the LPO were performing there. I went to see a jazz vocals show at the GSMD, which was really good. There was a song about an orange giving joyous merriment.

Thursday

In the evening, I tried to go to the British Academy, but the trains were not working very well: my first train terminated early and I had to try find an alternative route. I would have been very late, so I ended up just not going and basically just rode the trains home (still took a fair while to do this) and read on the way. Actually a decent time out, and fairly enjoyable just to be on the trains whilst reading.

Friday

In the evening, I went to the opera house to see Faust. Beforehand I stopped in Zizzi's quickly and grabbed a bruschetta. The show is really good, albeit long (3h40m, first half is 2h). There was a pause after an hour to rearrange the set and a good deal of people just left thinking it was an interval. I don't think they were allowed back in.

The show gives me somewhat of the vibes of The Monk, in that it is about working with the Devil, and how it never pays.

Saturday

I didn't do a great deal, but decided I would reduce my tech use a little; I want to have less screentime. In the morning I went to the cafe to study.

Sunday

My sister came round to redo my nails (to add the gel over them, to help me stop biting them - three weeks clear now and they are growing well, but the problem I have is that I still like to pick at them!). A copious harvest of strawberries at the allotment (I gave half of them away to my neighbour). Indian in the evening, which was really good.

Dressing well

Thu, 17 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000

This is day 13 of #100DaysToOffload.

I used to dress quite poorly. Really, just, I would wear what is comfortable, which would be tracksuit bottoms and a T-shirt of some kind. Generally, I did not think about how I looked at all, or did not really concern myself with it. I considered it egoistic.

I've moved on from then. I began to think that dressing well, and expressing myself well through my clothes was an expression of Quality in the realm of dress. As in, it isn't really egoism, rather, it is just making sure that... you dress well.

Now, I don't actually put that much effort into it. Essentially, what I have done is swap out tracksuit bottoms for proper trousers of some kind, which look better (less chavvy). As for my T-shirts, where I previously just wore whatever I had, I now wear nice shirts (occasionally I try to match the colours a bit between the shirts and the trousers, but not really that much) or only really wear the nicer T-shirts if I am to wear a T-shirt. I've managed to reconcile my want of looking presentable, with the huge moral issues in the clothing industry, by only buying used clothes from charity shops. They still look just as good. Once used to it, as well, they are no less comfortable than what the baggy clothes I used to wear.

Are there social advantages? Likely. I haven't really noticed that anybody treats me any differently for dressing well, but perhaps I just don't notice it.

Doing it for oneself

Women often say that they do their makeup, and their hair, etc. all for themselves. I used to think, well, obviously not, but I think it's a bit less clear. Compare it to a shower. Why do we shower? Well, of course there is an external reason: we shower because it makes it us clean and presentable to others, but also, we shower because it makes us feel good. Try and not shower for a week, and then compare the feeling after a shower, when all the sweat and stink is washed off - it feels incredible! Likewise, I think that in terms of fashion and appearance, a part of it is external: I want to look good for others; also a part is internal: by way of being attractive to others, I feel more attractive and happier.

As above as well, I don't think it is egoism to care about these things. There is a point at which it becomes egoism: potentially when the external validation becomes more important than the good internal feeling, or when it becomes obsessive, Narcissus-like. I just don't think it is as clear as I once thought it was.

How many other things that I currently deride are actually virtuous in a way that I just don't see to understand?

Eugene Onegin

Wed, 02 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000

This is entry 3 of 100 for #100DaysToOffload.

Today we went to the Royal Opera House to see Eugene Onegin. It was my first ever opera, and I went with my parents (who also do not go to the opera). It was, honestly, lovely.

Stages of mood

I initially felt a little awkward, and as the story started I didn't really know who to look at, what to focus on more (the music? the acting? the surtitles?) and generally felt not quite into it. From the second act though, I was into it, and enjoyed certain parts of the actual singing in the second scene, even if it dragged on... my did it drag on. The third and fourth acts went by like a fleeting memory, and, after the break, I found that I also immediately got back into "the zone" and greatly enjoyed the last three acts, especially the final act due the amazing singing.

Perception going into it

Of course, I've never watched opera, so going in I thought it was going to be very awkward, sitting there and watching people sing and dance about and not really being into it at all. Sort of like Mark and Jez from the Peep Show on that double date watching the play.

In reality, after the first scene, I was into it. I was emotionally invested in the story (though see below) and honestly, from the start the music and the singing was beautiful. I thought at one point early on "even if I don't enjoy the story the music is wonderful".

Story

YMMV, but I find romances quite silly. As in, I do understand the wonder of that passionate feeling in your chest when you fall in love, but also I don't entirely get the obsession that everything (books, songs, plays...) are all written about this one sort of emotion. And it is called love, and yet it can be debated whether it is truly love at all, or just infatuation...

But, still, despite my cynicism about love, I do in a way enjoy stories about them, and certain I did enjoy this. I think it is a bit silly, and the things that people do are very dramatic, but there is an extent to which one has to just suspend disbelief... Once done, it really was quite nice, if fairly simple.

In fact, I thought it was going to be particularly complicated, or that it would be very hard to follow the story given all the singing. But actually a lot of the singing was in prose almost, just everyday conversation but in song, where I expected it all to be very hard-to-parse poetry.

Opera singing

I don't even have the words to describe this. Just, when the instruments fade down and the voice is the only that is heard reverberating through your eyes... truly enrapturing.

Logistics with food

Since it started at seven, and we wanted to be there early, it was a little difficult in terms of food, but now it's been done once I think it would be quite easy next time. Simply, go immediately from work to the ROH, and I can book at table either at the Zizzi's just outside, or at the Ivy in Covent Gardens, or at any number of other places nearby. But definitely it will be possible to find somewhere. They also have a lovely bar inside the ROH which served a very nice mocktail of ginger and soda (I can't remember what the barman called it but it tasted very good) - food from the ROH is incredibly expensive though so best to avoid.

Would I do it again?

Definitely. In fact, I have La Boheme booked in already for January next year, with a really nice front row seat gotten for cheap because of the Young ROH scheme. Honestly, I might actually have to do this more often... It is actually really good. Maybe I just ended up with one of the good ones, and the next one won't be as good, but still... I'll definitely see some more.

Money

Mon, 17 Mar 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I am at the fantastic age of 23, and have, last week, got told what my raise will be. Ostensibly it is generous, because it is (slightly) above market average. In effect, it is nothing all that impressive, and doesn't amount to anything at all significant over the course of the year.

I don't want to consider myself as excessively obsessed with money, but my financial state is definitely a concern of mine. I don't exactly care for being super ultra mega rich, but I definitely would like enough money so that I don't have to care about money. I'd still end up caring about money - but currently for instance I budget and I try to avoid spending so much to actually have savings, which are then to get put towards a house for instance. I'd like enough money to be able to buy a decent house, and be able to pay off the mortgage without having to worry too much.

As a result though, I end up feeling like I don't have enough, and like I want more, more. I end up feeling greedy for money. Really, I don't want the money, I want the security that the money would bring.

In my every day life, it is not as though it majorly affects me. I still do of course buy things, though not a great deal, and do "live my life", but the shadow of financial insecurity always looms over my head. Especially considering I am still living at home, and am benefitting from the fairly generous rent that I have from my at-home-living, I am every month in the green, but of course still realise that things like buying a house are simply not possible. Renting a place, or maybe getting a mortgage on the absolute cheapest-of-the-cheap property one can find would be possible, but still a mighty challenge.

As a result, the money that I want is just enough to buy me a home, basically. I'm fine to live on bread and oil frankly, as long as I've the security of a home.

That's a bit rambly, but hopefully elucidates the problem. In the pursuit of a good thing (stability) I desire money and end up almost vicious about it.

In essence, I feel as if my life at the moment is echoed by the sentiment of Keynes:

I see us free, therefore, to return to some of the most sure and certain principles of religion and traditional virtue—that avarice is a vice, that the exaction of usury is a misdemeanour, and the love of money is detestable, that those walk most truly in the paths of virtue and sane wisdom who take least thought for the morrow. We shall once more value ends above means and prefer the good to the useful. We shall honour those who can teach us how to pluck the hour and the day virtuously and well, the delightful people who are capable of taking direct enjoyment in things, the lilies of the field who toil not, neither do they spin.

But beware! The time for all this is not yet. For at least another hundred years we must pretend to ourselves and to every one that fair is foul and foul is fair; for foul is useful and fair is not. Avarice and usury and precaution must be our gods for a little longer still. For only they can lead us out of the tunnel of economic necessity into daylight.

Trying too much

Tue, 08 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000

I'm doing Inktober at the moment (and not willing to share images out of shame!) and I think struggling a bit. I haven't drawn much anyways - I'm on my twelve overall drawing - and so I'm not very good at it. For today, I decided to just do something very simple and "primitive" in a way. As in, instead of trying something more complex, where I need to focus a lot. For instance, I tried to draw a specific something, as in a house my parents stayed in on holiday recently, or a tree. These were too complex and the drawing turned out not very good.

So, what I did today was just a little sketch of some buildings, and a small person drawing them with a caption to it. It's not very good, but it actually seems a little better just by sheer dint of having lower aspirations. I'm not trying to be Picasso and drawing a squiggly line, I'm trying to sketch a bit and I ending up actually sketching a bit, if not very well.

I think that is what I will try. I am also going to try the "course" at cravepainting.com. It lists out some topics to try each day, with a different theme each week. For instance, in the first week, "kitchen and bathroom objects" is the topic, but I will just sketch it and not just to aspire to anything above my grade.

50 in 50: Physical Labour

Mon, 09 Jun 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I tolerate it. I work an office job, and don't tend to do much in terms of gym or physical work. I do of course do the allotment, which is not particularly taxing but is still technically physical labour. I think a certain amount is good for the psyche. I think, for an intellectual (not as in smart, but as in, psychically-predisposed) man, it is necessary to also do an amount in the physical world so as not to become disjunct to it. I do try and avoid it all I can, though, even knowing I shouldn't.

I would like to try doing some carpentry and the like someday, though.

Month in Review: February 2025

Fri, 28 Feb 2025 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 3 of 200DaysToOffload)

... And it's approaching the end of February now. This month has gone wayy too quickly.

Reading

I've read two Alain de Botton books this month: The Pleasures and Sorrows of Work, and The Architecture of Happiness. I enjoyed both. I also started reading Die Wand (original German version of The Wall, which I read in... I want to say Dec-22?) which has been quite pleasant, I haven't finished it yet though.

Guitar and mandolin

I've practised mandolin nine times, and guitar a mere two. I know I haven't played them enough this month, and do feel a bit guilty... Or rather, I just want to, but life gets in the way.

I still am improving a bit though, and I notice that my left thumb doesn't jam up as much or as painfully now. I think because I am putting less pressure on it, and probably giving it more time to recover.

Study, and trip to Devon

I took a trip to Devon to sit my RHS exam. It was quite nice - we were at a pub called the Bickford Arms, and were the only guests there. The owner of the pub very nicely drove us about everywhere.

Whilst there, I sat the RHS exam. It was more difficult than I thought it would be, and I had forgotten a lot of the stuff in the first module, e.g. on bryophytes and pteridophytes and... Still, hopefully I passed. I haven't gotten my mark back yet.

I actually started to look at IF2, and it doesn't seem too bad, honestly. I'm going to try get it all done by say, end of April.

Exercise

Again, underperformed this month...

In terms of sets, I got from 86 to 148 as I write, maybe a little bit more once the day is over. Not great, and it still puts me behind of target, but I think the most important part is being consistent, which I am trying to be. Even if that means consistently doing too little, I just need to keep on making sure I'm doing it. I'd rather have 60 sets done each month than none, even if 60 is less than the 100 I'd aim for.

Finances

Not bonus this month, but I think I managed to put enough away, and have kept within my £600 budget for the month.

Yoga

I aimed to do 10 minutes of yoga each day, which again hasn't happened. I'm not going to beat myself up about it.

Allotment

Haven't started yet. Next month I will, as I will need to start sowing the seed for the year.

100DaysToOffload

Completed! I've now started it again, and called it 200DaysToOffload.

Various tasks

I've still got a few tasks I haven't gotten around to, like setting up my ISA and LISA. I do need to do that in March as well, before the end of the financial year. RHS M6 is still not finished, either.

Days out

I had a good few days out: dinners at restaurants (Thai, Indian, ...), a trip to the opera to see Il Trovatore, Les Mis, ...

Those were really quite good.

Overall

If I compare myself to my goals, I've underperformed on essentially every metric. However, I think I've partly discovered that it doesn't really help me to beat myself up constantly about underperformance. I just need to do what I can, and try to enjoy life a little more. This month has been so very depressing for me, like all the months since September. The mindset shift that I decided to set about has been a disaster in terms of my mental health. I knew it would be, but I didn't expect it to take this much of a toll. This is the first winter I've gotten very bad depression, and whilst I'm glad that the days are lengthening again and I can feel myself getting by gradual grades happier, I need to do something about the mindset. I have been in a state of depression since September. A lot of the time, that hurts my "productivity" as I have days I can't really do much of at all because I can barely make it out of bed or will myself to do what needs to be done.

I'll try to still be productive next month, but also beat myself up less if I am not. I need to learn to be happy with myself, and be patient with myself as I try to become who I want to be.

Weeknotes 2025-W29

Sat, 19 Jul 2025 00:00:00 +0000

The holiday continued for the first half of the week, until Thursday. It has been really good fun and a well needed break from work.

Monday 14th

We went to St Evals go karting track and did some go karting. I was initially terrified, but once doing it I realised it was actually great fun. I did hit someone once (not badly), also crashed into the side once when I got a bit too confident and span out a few times on some of the turns. Frankly, I wasn't very good, but I had a great time still.

Tuesday 15th

We had a chill one, as the weather was very stormy and not safe conditions to do the white water rafting in. So, we stayed at home and I read. About six in the evening, I had about sixty pages left of the book (1Q84) and so wanted to go to the beach - I asked about and in total four of us went. I finished the book, then went down to the beach to check out the water from up close. I ended up getting a bit mesmerised by the water and going further and further in, until eventually a massive wave (which I saw coming, but wanted to try take) knocked me down. After I was covered in water, I realised I still had my phone, wallet and bag on me, all of which were now soaked!

The phone is broken now, so I'll have to look into getting a new one. There is not a lot on this one thankfully, so mostly all I have lost is my notes that I take, and maybe my phone number if the SIM is broken. I'm not worried though, in fact, I am happy in a way (I really dislike phones).

Wednesday 16th

We went to Healey's cyder farm, which was great (we got to sample the different types of alcohol and also the jams) and in the afternoon did the white water rafting, which was great fun and far less scary than I thought it would be - it was mostly in fairly shallow waters.

It really makes me want to get into surfing, honestly.

Thursday 17th

In the morning, we did a bit of touristing and got stuff for home. I got a nice shirt, a fat Buddha for my mum (she likes these) and some fudge. After we got all the stuff, we spent the entire day more or less on the drive home.

Friday 18th

In the morning I went on a walk to get some eggs (about two hours there and back) and did my washing, tidied my room up, etc. I ended up staying up too late though, watching a Veritasium video about PFAS, which wasn't good of me.

Saturday 19th, Sunday 20th

I spent the day at home, largely doing good things, sorting things out. I signed up one year of tithe, donating 10% of my income each month for the next year. Maybe I'll write more on it at some point.

Un blog multilingue

Mon, 27 Jan 2025 00:00:00 +0000

Voglio un blog multilingue. Non posso scrivere bene in italiano, ma volo poterlo scrivere, perché... non lo so.

Ich koennte auch ein bisschen auf deutsch schreiben, was ich nicht seit ganz langem getan habe; so lange dass ich irgendwie vergessen habe wie man deutsch spricht, und die Worte kommen mir nicht so leicht vor, wie sie es einmal taten. Es ist kein Vorteil, und auch nicht besonders schoen, einen Blog in vielen Sprachen (ich kann momentan nur zwei) zu schreiben; die Leser werden vielleicht nur die eine oder andere verstehen koennen, und dann sind alle die Poste (?) die in der andern Sprache geschrieben waren unverstehbar. Doch: ich habe vielleicht keine Leser (ich checke die Stats nicht oft) und schreibe ihn nur zu meinem Spass, damit ich irgendwie "fulfilled" (erfullt?) oder... produktiv... oder nur als eine Art Therapie (Maenner wurden lieber ein paar Jahre nen Blog schreiben als Therapie machen, oder so). Deswegen kann ich tun was auch immer ich will, und muss mich nicht auf einen bestimmen Form beschranken, sondern kann tun genau das was ich will, ob es gut aussieht oder nicht: falls ich einen "gutaussehenden" Blog haben will, kann ich ja einen Blog machen, oder diesen einen in mehrere Bloggen(?) unterteilen.

Es gibt keinen Zweck, und keinen "limitation" dem ich gehorchen muss.

Aber bis ich gut italian schreiben kann, sollte ich vielleicht die Poste irgendwo anders hinstecken.

Timelessness

Fri, 15 Sep 2023 00:00:00 +0000

I found my wristwatch today, but for the past while had lost it, and notice how much more at ease I feel because of it, and just how extensively I use it. When I have my phone on me it's a little inconvenient, as then I have to get out my phone, and deal with the slowness of Android, and the inconvenience of a touchscreen, but it's even worse without my phone - then, I am without the time altogether, and I feel lost because of it.

It was difficult even in the simple matters, without my dear watch. I work from home some days, and want to put on some food in the oven at about eleven-forty, so it is ready for twelve or a little after when I take lunch. Yet I go to get a drink, and do not know what the time is - is it eleven-twenty, in which case I cannot put the food on to cook yet (lest it be burnt when I eat lunch) - or is it eleven-forty, in which case I may? Yet working this back, the reason why it must be eleven-forty is as I desire to take my lunch at twelve. There is no reason why eleven-fifty cannot be when I have my lunch, except that tradition, and the division of time, have instilled into me that acceptable times for taking lunch are between twelve and two. Anything outside of this range is outside of tradition, and so I cannot in good spirit do so. It echoes the sentiment of Plautus, who remarked:

The gods confound the man who first invented
This measuring time by hours! Confound him, too,
Who first set up a sun-dial—chopping up
My day into these miserable slices!
When I was young, I had no dial but appetite,
The very best and truest of all timepieces;
When that said, 'Eat,' I ate—if I could get it.
But now, even when I've the chance to eat, I must not,
Unless the sun be willing! for the town
Is grown so full of those same cursed dials
That more than half the population starve.

I've thankfully my wristwatch back now, and I can return to my measured life once more, safe under the dominion of my master. No food for the man ten minutes before his time.

Completed 100DaysToOffload!

Fri, 21 Feb 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I've done it! I've written 100 blog posts. Well, this one is a bit of a cheat, so maybe technically I've only written 99?

I started in September 2024, and have finished now, late Feb. Only five months. Well ahead of schedule!

How was it?

Good! I kind of just wrote when I wanted to, which sometimes meant I would write several things in a day, and other times I would go a week maybe without actually writing anything.

Now it's done though, it actually feels a little underwhelming. I'm less happy than I thought I would be... Maybe I was thinking about it too much.

I think it is a really good challenge though, as it gets you to actually write, which is the important thing. You think, well, I should probably write two a week to get it done in time, so actually you end up giving a fair bit of time to it.

Will I do it again?

Absolutely! I'm thinking I'll continue it as #200DaysToOffload this time, and then after that as #300DaysToOffload... Not that I'm going to write 200 blog posts in a year (or 300 - that would be extremely difficult!) but just to let me keep a track of how many I've written in total. I'd like to do this for many years!

The posts themselves

I think some of my posts were a bit... cheaty. Like, I wrote entries for each day I was in Bologna (apart from the ones at the end where there wasn't much to say), which felt a bit like cheating, almost "using up" five posts. Of course, there is no cheating, but it still feels a little like it. Maybe I'll see next time if I can take a bit more time, and be a bit more "selective" about what I write.

Watchlists (and other lists)

Thu, 17 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 15 of #100DaysToOffload)

I'm mulling over setting up a watch list again. I had one back when I used to watch anime, but I really never respected it. I would just go through the new shows each quarter and go, 'eh, this looks decent' and chuck it on the watchlist. The end result was a huge great list of things that I didn't really want to see particularly because they had meaning, or were historic, but rather because I had trawled through everything new and wanted to add things on I could watch.

But when it came time round to actually watching something, I would either have to then re-trawl through my watchlist to find something that actually looked decent, or just watch something else altogether. In other words, there was no respect for the watchlist; it was more just a place for me to chuck whatever as a mental note not to forget that it looked moderately decent.

So, if I have a watch list again (or, because my choice of media is more varied, more like a 'consume list', or an 'engage list': it will have not just movies and series, but also books and whatever else) then I think I should try to keep it pure. Only add things I really would value to watch, or think 'oh, I really wish I would have seen that by now'. So for instance, in terms of anime (that I used to watch), that would be the few things that I want to see before I stop watching anime altogether. Evangelion, or, all the Ghibli movies, or Mushishi, that sort of thing that I really do want to see. Not just whatever new anime pops in each new season.

Likewise, in terms of reading, this would be important books, like the Jane Austens or Brontes, not just any old book I happen to stumble across, or every single book on my bookshelf.

Then, the list remains small, and manageable. And that's important, because I really do want to engage in it, otherwise I wouldn't do it, right?

The power of a list, and the folly of a cluttered list, in short.

Weeknotes 2025-W25

Sat, 28 Jun 2025 00:00:00 +0000

God, I really am good at writing my weeknotes late, aren't I?

Monday

I went to the allotment in the morning, planting out some tomatoes. I also had work, joy joy joy, and watered the garden at lunch. I read more of The Anxious Generation, which is really good, and saw my friends in the eve as usual.

(I say almost the same things every week... I would be easy to assassinate)

Tuesday

I finished reading The Anxious Generation, and played out maize and pumpkins at the allotment. I have also been reading the Teach Yourself Latin book that is quite fun, and my Latin does feel like it's coming along, even though I am a total total beginner.

Wednesday

I started a new book that has been sitting on my figurative to-read list for a good long while now: 1Q84. Had a falafel wrap for lunch, and saw my friend for dinner: my mum and sister also were there by total coincidence!

Thursday

I did very little at all, apart from work, a bit of reading, and cooking dinner.

Friday

Again, I didn't really do a great deal.

Saturday

I watered the garden, planted out some leeks around the tomatoes at the lotto mento, did a bit of work (employment work), spent a good hour and a half playing about with the mandolin and violin, and saw family for homemade pizza in the evening, stopping by the allotment on the way back to water.

Sunday

I got up rather late, didn't do a great deal in the morning, but saw the Undertale performance live with a friend at the Hammersmith Apollo. It was really good! The fans are so dedicated and energetic.

A few stats

My screentime this week was absolutely horrendous. 15h - close to 2h per day. Brave was about 7h of that, Hinge 2h 15m. Perfectly valid uses, which are e-mail and Whatsapp, were about 2h.

I really need to get it down a bit lower...

Also, in terms of exercise, I did none whatever. I also didn't really do any mando or vio apart from the 90m session on Saturday.

Weeknote 2025-W38

Mon, 22 Sep 2025 00:00:00 +0000

(Also, this technically marks the end of 200 Days to Offload but I can't be asked to post specifically to celebrate it!)

It's been a good, busy week, with a lot going on. At the same time, a week like this has not been good for my health and fitness etc.

Monday

I felt tired in the morning so I ended up skipping the gym. I worked, then in the evening cooked my lunch for the week, went shopping, and saw friends.

Tuesday

Work of course, and then in the evening I chatted to my mum, and played some mandolin. I'm starting on Bach's Cello Suite #1 and was annotating the notes onto Constanza Mazurka. I'm quite slow at it.

Wednesday

Because we have a Macmillan cake day event at work tomorrow, I cooked a banana bread. My mother baked a guinness cake but we can't take it in as she fears it might contain plastic.

Thursday

The cake day event was fun but I ended up eating a lot of calories. There was no other vegan food so I ate my banana bread. In the evening, I went for Italian (pizza) and saw Tosca at the opera house. Anna Natrebko was starring in it as the lead role, and was downright incredible. My seat was far away though so I didn't get as good a view as I would have liked. Tosca is very good. The lady to my left was quite good conversation and interpreted my reading a book as a prompt for conversation, which I greatly appreciate!

Friday

Of course, the issue with going for the opera is that I get back late. I did indeed (bed around half one in the morning) and then had to go back into work so an early rise too.

The office was pretty quiet but there was still a lot of leftover cake. All this is wreaking havoc on my diet.

The show in the evening was Sicilian Vespers, which was... good, if slightly repetitive. It was four hours long and didn't need to be so long. I bought a standing ticket which I greatly regret, although even sitting for that long is not pleasant.

Saturday

I skipped on a swim in the morning (due to tiredness), and idled away the morning a little bit. We had our musical soiree at lunchtime which was very fun! I didn't feel nervous about playing yet once I started I noticed my hands were shaking and were sweaty, so evidently I was nervous. I played Norwegian Wood with my mother (the mandolin part is fairly simple, she played piano) and Losing my Religion. I made many mistakes. At the end, we played Losing my Religion to the studio track with a singalong, which worked well and lessened the pressure on me when I made mistakes (which I still did). I have to also realise that what sounds horrible to my ears sounds a lot better to others. Even if I record myself playing and hear it back, it sounds decent, and mistakes are not as crushingly painful as when heard from the player's point of view.

In the evening, we went to a bhakti yoga event. It was a similar experience to at the temple, and was downright lovely. I declined the milk this time as I did not trust that it was ethically obtained like with the milk from the Bhaktivedanta manor, yet still would have had some milk in the rice and the cake. Oh well, not a terrible blunder.

Sunday

In the morning I walked up to town to have breakfast and tea with my mother, and buy printer ink. I want to print out a few bits of music. Then, around lunchtime, we got on the train to go to the rave. My friend brought along one of his mates who was good company. The rave itself was lovely: basically a chance to get a little drunk and dance along to some music that is very easy to dance to. Everybody respects your space quite well. Had a few small chats with people but nothing deep.

Around eight (the rave ended at nine) I fell a little depressed and was contemplating things. My friend came over to talk though I didn't exactly want to discuss it with him. It was about the issue I have around women: I find myself in a bit of a bind where I am generally attracted to them (in the sense that I am heterosexual) but lose attraction incredibly easily. Whenever women try to appeal to me I lose attraction: that can be as simple as wearing revealing clothing say, which one sees a lot at the rave. It disgusts me a little bit to be totally honest.

I'm not exactly sure what to do on it. It is likely the reason why, whilst I have been going to singles mixers a fair bit, I never find myself attracted enough to anyone to make a move in that way. I talk a lot with people and have a good time yet never find anyone (even ostensibly attractive women) who I would want to pursue for a relationship.

Too much detail here and I haven't thought it through properly. I have been wondering of late if I should just try to force myself into dating a little bit so I am actually giving it a go, and seeing more in depth how the experience is, instead of simply going to mixers just to chat. Not sure. I feel like if I did force myself, I would end up in a pretty terrible mood: some of this stuff makes me physically sick.

Screentime

It still has a long way to go in terms of improvement, but I had 16h 45m in total across the week, which works out to 2h 23m per day. Some days were around an hour. Better, but still not where I want it to be. Still, happy about that.

Steps

80,359 steps. That equates to around 40km walked and 2500 kcal burnt apparently, and is about 11,479 per day. Not terrible at all. I actually barely walked at all on Monday, and only 5000 steps on Saturday, but made up for it with 15k on Friday and 28k on Sunday. I'm not particularly trying for steps, this is of course just what I am getting from going about places. I haven't specifically been for a walk at all this week.

Reading

I am still reading The Gift. Page 287 of 332 so will end up finishing it this week I reckon. I have therefore read 59 pages this week: not a lot, but I have been busy with other things.

M05 study update

For the second week in a row, I have not studied at all.

Languages

Italian

For the second week in a row, no progress - still 53 pages in.

German

See above.

Finnish

See above.

Music

Mandolin

I of course had the soiree to attend, so performed in front of others for the first time this week! I also did some practise on Bach's first cello suite.

I've found a sonatina by Beethoven for the piano and mandolin, which I might try to practise to play with my mum.

Violin

For the second week in a row, I have not practised. I'm thinking of swapping violin to biweekly lessons (of course, I haven't had lessons the past two weeks as I've been busy).

Health

Exercise

I did not go to the gym once nor did I swim.

Weight and diet

(The figures here are very inaccurate as I barely even recorded food for Saturday and Sunday, and a lot of the calories from alcohol and cake are estimations. Still, it gets the general picture across I think.)

My current weight is around 10 st 6 lb. My approximate maintenance calories would be 2282 kcal per day.

My total calories for the week were 17,270 kcal (2,467 kcal daily average). This is a surplus of 185.14 kcal, resulting in likely weight gain of 0.37 lbs based on maintenance calories.

Bad!

So, where did most of this come from? Cake and alcohol essentially. I had 3200 - 3400 calories in Thursday, Friday, and Sunday. Thursday saw likely 750 calories of banana bread, 500 calories of guinness cake plus a pizza in the evening for likely a thousand calories: 1250 of bad calories at least then. Friday saw likely 600 calories of banana bread and 500 from guinness cake, as well as calories from three protein bars (to the tune of 690 calories) that I ate during the opera. Sunday saw likely 2000 calories from alcohol (between cider and vodka-cokes).

Worse still, my sleep has been severely compromised on all four of these days, and I have not been going to the gym nor swimming.

As such, next week I really need to get back on a good track. It's not the end of the world: it takes my expected total weight loss from 2.7 lb to 2.3 lb.

My average daily protein intake was 63 g: 10.3% of calories, and about 0.4 g per lb of body weight and 0.52 g per lb of lean mass. Again not great but that goes back to the diet as mentioned.

Next week

A lot of my spring bulbs have arrived so I need to do some work on that and general gardening next week. Monday I will skip the gym but I need to get back into it, and swimming as well if I can (at least on the weekend mornings) too.

In terms of events, I have two: strings and keyboard to listen to on the Thursday evening, and a dating event on the Friday. So those days are (to an extent) write-offs, but I can be good for the rest of the days.

Christmas

Sun, 22 Dec 2024 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 52 of #100DaysToOffload)

Christmas time is a bit of a strange one. In developed countries like ours, we spend the days preaching giving, generosity, goodwill to all. We preach Christian virtues, and disavow Christ.

And then, what do we do as we preach good will to all? We distribute chocolate to children: manufactured elsewhere by poorer nations, inadequately paid, poorly treated, often enslaved. We give our children gifts: manufactured elsewhere, by people in other nations working, again, under slavish conditions. We eat turkey and roast beef: slaughtered on a mass scale, resulting in huge ecological harm; naturally the suffering to the animal raised in factory farm conditions, transported then slaughtered; causing psychological damage to the underpaid, poorly treated staff at these facilities (who can often go on to pass their trauma onto their wives and children through subsequent abuse)...

And then, we feel good about it. We feel happy, as if we're being good. As if we are gentle people. As if we care.

It's a time of happiness for all - or at least, all that we care about.

We never have to see the people we abuse, all just to feel a little merry.

Good tidings to all.

ps. I don't mean to say that we in the developed world are bad people. We're unaware, often, or never have to feel the harm caused, by the actions we take. We may be the perpetrators, but it's not just our fault.

Weeknotes 2025-W10

Sun, 09 Mar 2025 00:00:00 +0000

Monday
A slow day at work. I had a very long chat with a colleague during the day, which helped it to go by a bit quicker. I saw a friend in the evening, and then ended up staying up very late mulling over my own psychology.

Tuesday

The train home ended up stopping at an earlier station as the doors were buggered, and so I got home very late, as I had to get a different train which was itself delayed, and had to wait for two more trains to come before I got one because there were too many people.

We had a roast (instead of pancakes) for Shrove Tuesday. The Leuchtturm arrived.

Wednesday

I didn't really do too much I don't think, apart from go to the shops in the evening.

Thursday

Again I have no notes at all for what I did on this day.

Friday

I had a very bad day, but did shave with my new beard shaver/trimmer in the evening (for the first time in ages). I also decided against learning Finnish, and instead decided to focus on Japanese instead, again. I also decided I would start trying Pomodoro a little. I was kept awake in the evening by a mouse

Saturday

I finished my RHS module six in the morning, and then came home and me, mum and my brother worked on the garden. I did some weights and some mandolin practice. I wrote exclusively in Japanese in the Leuchtturm which was fun. I really do need to practice kanji more.

Sunday

I woke up late, went to the shops, had breakfast, then went to the allotment with my parents. I took up the path by the berries to convert it into a part of the bed that is there.

Bologna: Third Day

Mon, 14 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000

(Day 10 of #100DaystoOffload)

Now the Monday.

Breakfast

For breakfast, I searched around for a different, new place but I couldn't find any that were both open and did vegan food. I found one, but it had closed by the time I got back round to looking to go there... So, I returned to Ca Pelletti, and had a salad again. Very nice, but it was a shame there was nowhere else to go... All the breakfast places have croissants and that sort of thing, which is no good for me. Veganism isn't really a part of the diet here, which is fine I suppose, it just makes it a bit difficult to eat for me...

Traffic

There is a lot of (motor) traffic down Via dell'Independenza. I suppose that it is only pedestrian on weekends? It is much more noisy and horrid with all this traffic, and I even saw a woman almost get run over as I returned... She muttered 'sempre loro, sempre loro...' after she got across...

It's a bit of a shame, as I thought this city had motor traffic under control, but perhaps only sometimes. There are a huge number of adverts for cars on the TV as well... I fear that Italy is still pretty bad when it comes to keeping traffic in control. Better than the UK, but that doesn't say much.

Visit to the outskirts

I visited among the outskirts of Bologna, really just to see some trees. There is a part I have to go past that is six lanes of traffic, with an island in the middle of each three: the walk signal goes green, but the cars still end up going. As I crossed on the way back, another car turned to go, and I watched as the green pedestrian cross signal (with no pedestrians, granted) stayed whilst huge streams of cars passed through. Odd.

But the trees were nice! I went up to Via dell'Osservanza, and continued until the end of the private road before turning back. I think I could have taken some smaller roads somewhere to get to a park, but I just ended up turning back. En route, I saw some sort of gecko, two red squirrels, and several bees I have not seen before. Very nice! I wish we had such diversity in the UK...

Dinner

I wandered about, feeling pretty tender (see wv 0092) and eventually ordered a bruschetta and pizza at Pizzatum. The bruschetta was decent (but could have done with some balsamic), and the pizza was a bit too wet with passata and lacking in flavour. Hey ho.

50 in 50: Hobby adventures

Wed, 11 Jun 2025 00:00:00 +0000

A lot of my hobbies are fairly solitary and don't require doing too much, so I haven't really had many.

I used to like to walk a lot. I enjoyed it just to see different sights, and have some time to think to myself. I have a few times been on long walks where I walk the entire day - I once went on a walk where I did over 50k steps, and walked about 30 miles in one day. My feet were incredibly painful afterwards.

That is really the most adventure I've had for my hobbies. Maybe this is something I should work on? Doing more exciting new things...

Weeknotes 2025-W15

Sun, 20 Apr 2025 00:00:00 +0000

This week, I was at the Bhaktivedanta Manor or the Hare Krishna temple in Watford. I was doing the Be A Monk week-long challenge they have.

I found out about this last year, when I was in town and I saw one of the monks who I stopped and talked with. He gave me a book, Sri Isopanishad which I read the first few chapters of. I didn't actually realise that the temple was the Hare Krishna temple until I arrived and found out about it.

We had quite a varied set of things we did through the days, and I'm not going to go into detail about exact times, but I'll just list a few of the things we did.

Morning service

The morning service there, called masala arti, were great fun. They started at 04.30, and consisted of basically 45 minutes of singing and dancing, then some time to oneself to (generally) meditate (though I did some other things, like went for walks with people etc. during this time) and then the second part of the morning service from 07.00. That goes for 45 minutes, and features the enchanting Govindam adi purusham tam aham bhajami song, wherein the deities are observed and obeisances given to Prabhupada. It ends with "Prabhupada, Prabhupada, jaya jaya Prabhupada!" and bouncing up and down. Great fun.

Then, there was always a talk on a verse from the Srimad Bhagavatam, questions, and... Prasadam!

Prasadam

We had prasadam, which is food (as an offering to Krishna) three times a day. 08.30 for breakfast, which was generally porridge and a few other things, plus either some tea or some spiced milk.

At, I think it was 13.00, we had lunch. It was generally a massive meal with all sorts of different things depending on the day.

For dinner, the consistent part was a cup of hot milk. It varied again depending on the day: pizza, curries, pancakes one of the days, etc.

But: the prasadam was always delicious!

The meals were lacto-vegetarian, but I ate the milk / cheese despite usually eating vegan for the reason below...

Goshala

We spent some time in the goshala, and even did some work there mucking out the cows. The cows are incredibly well tended for. The thing that really does it for me, and makes me happy to drink the milk, is that the male calves don't suffer the usual fate of male cattle (either: death by blunt force trauma, or, kept chained up in darkness for six weeks to produce veal, or for the lucky few kept as bloodstock). Instead, all cattle are kept alive for their entire natural lifespan (even after the cows stop producing milk) and the males are used as draft oxen. One ox, Nrsingha, was 21 years old. The cows are hand milked and naturally fertilised.

Farm

There is a farm on there where they grow food for the cows and restaurant. We spend an afternoon there planting out beets.

The soil quality is amazing, sort of a sandy loam. Clearly incredibly fertile from all the manure. A joy to handle.

Harinam and the Soho temple

We went to the Soho temple, that is very small and cute and honestly lovely. We did some meditation there that was very pleasant.

On the Wednesday (iirc) we went to give food to the homeless. On the Saturday, we did Harinam as well.

Other bits and bobs

We did some yoga, some ju jitsu, some philosophy classes. A lot of kirtan.

Overall

It was... really, really good. The most important thing that I didn't put above is the people. Everybody is absolutely lovely. I can't overstate it. The people made the week thoroughly pleasant, and I feel like there were some pretty good bonds struck up over the course of the week. (Most) everybody got on well.

I really want to go back there, mainly to work on the farm, and do the morning services again.

Weeknotes 2025-W46

Sun, 16 Nov 2025 00:00:00 +0000

It's been a week, and I wanted last week to try to get my life back in order, at least in how it feels. Has it happened? Nope.

Well, I feel like the major stress in my life still is work. I'm struggling with the workload. It's the same issue I've had for awhile: I have so much to do that I am struggling to do the things I need to do, and the things that have to get done are not what is being looked at by my boss. So the actual work I am doing (that has to be done!) is being minimised, and the fact that I am not doing so well on the things that are getting looked at is causing a problem. But also, I understand that I have a bit of a problem with setting deadlines that are not realise achievable. Partly also, it's just a lack of meeting of minds between me and my boss.

Changing about my bedroom

I got rid of my bed, and kept just my mattress. This has been a bit of a change of sleeping habits: I used to sleep on a yoga mat on the floor, leaving my bed unused. Now, I'm sleeping on the mattress on the floor, which is what I used to do when I was younger!

I also put up fairy lights to get a bit of light in the room, and moved back weights into my room.

Mandolin

We had the mandolin meetup again this week. We played a few pieces that I struggled with, and largely just followed along the music. We also played the Danses bijoux (at least the first and fifth parts) which I could largely follow along with, and Calace Siciliana (which after the first run through I could largely follow).

I've improving a little bit on Canon in D, too. Slowly, but surely.

We practised picking techniques (down-up-down for triplets, and up-down speeding up into tremolo). Also, a useful thing I learnt is that we play repeated parts as more piano than the first time.

Coursework

I have done my notetaking on the second question, so a bit of improvement at least. I need to speed this up a little, but at least I got some progress. I need to actually write the answers though, because currently its just notes.

Gym and exercise

This is something I wanted to start back up again. I have, but very little. Basically just a few pressups, curls, etc. here and there. It's not much, but it's better than nothing. Also, I've slightly improved my diet, getting rid of some sugar that I have been eating.

Purchases

I bought a Switch 2! This is so I can play with my friends. I also did want to play Legend of Zelda so I can play that too.

I'll have to be wise about when I play and when I study, etc.

Reading

I have started to read Understanding Media. Funnily enough, I don't really understand it. I think it's a book I'll have to re-read a few times to comprehend.

Other

I saw La fille mal gardee at the opera house, which was really, really funny!

I also saw Chris Thile on the Saturday. Between the mandolin and Thile I basically spent the entire day exploring London. I had some Dutch pancakes at a place near Holborn, pizza for dinner, and did a lot of walking around.

Next week

So, work is horrid still of course, but hopefully I can make that a bit better. Really, next week, the things I need to do are:

Do a bit more in terms of exercise

Keep the diet on track

Study a bit more, and maybe get a few questions "ticked off" properly.

Continue practising Mandolin

If I do those, I'll be happy.

Weeknote 2025-W34

Mon, 25 Aug 2025 00:00:00 +0000

Monday
Well, work of course, but I also ended up finishing The Four Beauties. It was quite enjoyable - I do enjoy H.E. Bates' writing!

My screentime is still high, because I read a lot of blogs...

Tuesday

Work was decent - the train timetable has changed, interestingly. The train is now almost totally empty, since it doesn't stop as often now.

I had a nice curry for lunch - chickpea, ginger and turmeric, with quinoa.

In the evening, I went for a swim.

Wednesday

I had a similar curry to Tuesday, but made it with leek instead of onion this time. It was... even better I think, but I am a bit fan of leek.

In the evening, I saw a friend of mine to discuss plans for a holiday to Cardiff. I had... another curry there, so some 1700 of my 2300 calories for the day came from curry.

Thursday

I didn't really do much in the evening after work; I had planned to practise mandolin, and to go to the allotment, but neither happened and I just relaxed and made my dinner instead.

I really struggled to sleep, because... I don't know why. There were midges, but even after I killed them, my body was still itching all over, but in a slightly different way. Unpleasant, and made sleep difficult.

Friday

Because of my lack of sleep, I didn't go for the swim as I had wanted in the morning.

In the evening, I saw my friend online, for the first time in a good few weeks...

Saturday

I went for a swim in the morning, then to the cafe (a tradition I will start up again, I suppose), then went to the violin lesson (we covered the first finger, and also the second finger (F# on the D string). At the cafe I began reading The Gift, a Nabokov novel (I really enjoy Nabokov's writing).

After violin, we went to the allotment, watered, and grabbed the chairs from my shed there to bring to my grandma's for her do tomorrow.

Sunday

Swim, and we also had my grandma's do, where they made pizzas that were very nice.

Odds and ends

I made a new spreadsheet for myself to maintain, weeklyweights.ods. I deliberated between .csv, .sc, and finally settled on .ods format. It is for tracking my calories and protein, with a few useful calculations in there as well.

I found out that the oranges they sell in Sainsbury's are treated with Imazalil and the like. It... irks me a fair bit, and I probably want to switch to organic if I can. Reuters has an article (side note: that URL is horrid.) where they have a rather pyrrhic victory that it doesn't cause leukocytosis, and it's only a suspected carcinogen and probable endocrine disruptor that causes respiratory problems and muscular coordination issues. Well, sounds downright lovely then!

I haven't been maintaining the blog much, apart from weeknotes. That's fine, and life is life.

I am resuming the gym membership because I want to swim a lot more, and probably also go to the gym on a fairly minimalistic basis to lose weight without losing too much muscle. I don't know exactly how I'll balance it alongside having to study for work (M05), work itself, mandolin, violin, cooking, rest, etc. but I guess I'll see.

Stats

Screentime: 1d 3h, or 3h 52m daily average. Still far too high. 23h was the browser, which was browsing blogs and... admittedly watching some Youtube as I unblocked it. The rest was mainly Hinge, e-mail, and Whatsapp.

Health

I've been fairly healthy this week, and the calorie counting has definitely been good.

I've been swimming Tuesday, Saturday, and Sunday, each for around 45m-1h. Not terrible!

My current weight is around 11 st 8 lb. My approximate maintenance calories would be around 2300 kcal per day.

My total calories for the week were 12801 kcal (1828 kcal daily average). This is a deficit of 471 kcal per day, resulting in likely weight loss of: 0.94 lbs based on maintenance calories.

My average daily protein intake was 81g, forming 17.7% of my calories, and comprising 0.5g of protein per pound.

Count of fruit/veg eaten (aim for 30): 22

I'm not going to beat myself up about 22 instead of 30, because it's still decent enough.

Apple

Quinoa

Rice

Soya (tofu, milk)

Cherry

Blackberry

Onion

Leek

Redcurrant

Strawberry

Raspberry

Elderberry (jam)

Hazelnuts (only four, but it counts!)

Chickpea

Orange

Banana

Cocoa (in the form of 85% chocolate)

Blueberry (jam)

Corn (cob)

Lentil

Garlic

Potato

Spices:

Turmeric

Black pepper

Ginger

Rosemary

Basil

... possibly others

50 in 50: What hobbies have I had in the past that I no longer have?

Wed, 14 May 2025 00:00:00 +0000

The major one that comes to mind is conlanging. (For those not in the know, that is the process of constructing languages). Nothing happened, except that I stopped doing it. I found it to be very useful to learn a lot of linguistics, and gave me a sort of reason to want to read linguistics papers. Over time, I found that I was mostly having to go through the weeds and do many tedious things, e.g. mapping out how sound changes would affect the descendent language, thinking about semantic changes, etc. in a way that began to feel very routine and a little tedious. So, I stopped.

Programming is another hobby that, while I haven't stopped completely, I definitely don't do as much as I used to. I want to pick it back up again, though, and have for several years...

Plastic, and worries about health

Tue, 19 Nov 2024 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 40 of #100DaysToOffload)

I tried at the beginning of this year to live plastic free. Now, I haven't really done it at this point: I've certainly used less, and avoided it where I can, but haven't avoided it entirely. I drink a lot of soya milk that is in Tetra-Pak, and that kind of thing. I also occasionally buy veg in plastic packaging, ...

I try to avoid it, but there is still a lot. I sometimes get inflammation, and wonder where it all comes from. For instance, I currently have an ulcer in my mouth that is quite painful, and wonder why it is happening. A lack of exercise? Poor diet? I largely eat a good diet, though I have had a fair bit of sugar recently as I am slowly getting through a tub of nutella. I'm probably having a lot of sugar.

I think there is probably a set of things that are more important to tackle, such as not eating excess sugar or carbohydrate, ensuring I get enough exercise, etc. and then focussing on potentially less important things, like not eating out of plastic tupperware, not eat BPA-line tins of food, etc.

I do eat fairly healthily, but probably could do more exercise. I could get better sleep. I could stop eating the odd sweet or nutella. I could stop eating bread (which I have picked up again). I could shower less.

Then, I can do the rest. I can try the plastics and yadiya. I think the most important part though is to do the important bits.

It is just too easy to worry about everything minor. There is all sorts of environmental problems that I can't do too much about. At the end of the day, I just have to get on with it. The important part is to do more exercise, eat well, and hopefully that will do the job.

50 in 50: Workspace Decor

Sat, 17 May 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I don't have a proper workspace. I do have a desk in my room, and I occasionally work there, but largely I do my work on my bed. On the desk, there is no decoration, but just the other laptops I have, and occasionally other bits and bobs that get stowed there for a short while, like seeds.

At work, the situation is just as bland. We have a clear desk policy at work, so I don't keep anything there.

Search engines: part two

Mon, 25 Aug 2025 00:00:00 +0000

A while ago, I was thinking of giving up search engines, and in fact even blocked search engines on my computer. I still have them blocked there, however they are now unblocked on my phone - I think the important change has partway happened, but not entirely.

Fundamentally, what I wanted was to stop searching things, and instead have a set of resources I could rely upon whenever I needed to access them. I have that somewhat - I think I know more links now directly, and I have a good amount added to my /portal page, but I still don't use it all that often. That said, my search engine use has decreased, I do believe, and I take more now to searching for things directly.

I want to continue more in this direction, though. I haven't done it as thoroughly as I would like.

The general trend is towards having the set of resources myself, and making better use of the existing resources I have found, as opposed to constantly searching for new. The effect should hopefully be stronger knowledge, and a generally slower pace of life.

But: until this is built out so fully, I think it's good to keep search engines around. Many of the links on my portal page I found through search engines. I don't think it's wise to do away with them yet fully, but instead I should try move towards a place where I can sensibly do away with them.

50 in 50: 20 Sublime Moments

Sun, 08 Jun 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I doubt it. I'll try.

When I was around thirteen, a friend of mine twisted my arm behind my back. It was excruciatingly painful, but was I think the last time I felt truly alive.

At the allotment, the robin hopped down to see me as I dug. He came within ten centimetres of me or so (as I remained statue still).

At the allotment again, I observed a rather withered looking fox chewing the grass.

A peek at a friendly robin through the trees, on a day I walked for nearly thirty miles.

Lying in somewhat overgrown grass, and observing the ants and spiders within it.

Observing a rain-specked calendula flower under torchlight of an nighttime.

Lifting up sheets of black plastic to spot the families of slow worm.

Choking through swarms of gnats when cycling down a countryside lane for a late night bike ride.

... I think I might be out of ideas for now.

Weeknotes 2024-W46

Sun, 17 Nov 2024 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 38 of 100DaysToOffload, and my weeknotes for the week 2024-11-11 to 2024-11-17)

Today was a decent week - fairly quiet like last time, except for Friday.

Speed Dating

I went speed dating this week. It is more of a self-discovery thing, I feel like, as opposed to really trying to find anyone. Regardless, it was a slightly older crowd again (but closer to my age, many people about 30), and I didn't get any matches. Perhaps I need to select more people: of the 17 girls, I think I only chose to match with 5 I think (and none of them chose to match with me, clearly). The conversation was pretty generic and I think when I go again, I'll try find some better conversation. Really, three minutes is way too short to have a proper conversation. Still, it was good fun!

Rethinking priorities

I was thinking on Saturday, after the speed dating, about what my priorities would be. When asked what my hobbies are, I can't really give a clear answer. I think that is because I am mixed up in terms of my priorities, and do not really know what I want to achieve first and foremostly. So I've reconsidered and have put four items as the most important: Health, Allotment, Guitar, and Study as the main four. Dividing these, I have health being the gym, food, running as and when I pick it, and the daily skipping. The allotment is its own category, though lumped in is any gardening I do about the house. The guitar also makes up its own category, and my goal is to do it daily from now on. Lastly, study comprises the LM2 (hopefully finished in December!) and the RHS course, but also Italian and Japanese as and when I read Japanese again in the new year.

The other three goals are Writing, Reading, and Drawing. All in a similar theme. That isn't to say that I am giving up on any of these, simply that they are less important to me than the four above. As in, even if I deprioritise writing, I'll still do quite a bit of it - it happens naturally. Maybe I won't draw as much as I like, but so be it. I'll just try do guitar more often, is all.

New Pen

I bought a Pilot Falcon and two new inks this week. I'll write about them in detail when they arrive!

A lot of money, but it's not a regular thing. And what's the point of money if not for spending, eh? Look, I have to justify it somehow.

Skipping rope

I am going to give daily skipping a go from now on. It will also form a part of my 25 for 2025 goals I am setting myself. I got given a skipping rope by my grandma recently (she was cleaning out the house, I think).

(Also, I find it weird how Americans call skipping 'jump rope'.)

Wine

As a part of my 25 for 2025 goals, I plan to visit an enoteca after I acquire a taste in wine. So, I've started! I had my first bit of wine (about a third of a glass) Sunday night. It was wretched. Then again, so were olives when I first tried them. I'll probably be able to get used to it over time.

Having a space everyday for my own time

Fri, 18 Apr 2025 00:00:00 +0000

There are a lot of things that I want to do as a matter of routine, but I never seem to be able to get around do doing them as a matter of routine. For instance, I want to exercise consistently, doing exercises every single day, so that I can lose weight and make gains muscle-wise. I want to have time every day where I can read, both philosophically and my normal recreational reading. I want to have time everyday to meditate. I want to have a bit of time every day where I can play guitar and mandolin.

These are things I want to do everyday. Yet, I don't end up doing them. I have an incredibly inconsistent schedule, where I end up not going to bed at the same time each night (probably causing me terrible harm), not eating the right good all the time (for instance, at the moment I am eating a lot of sugar brought back from the temple, because there is a lack of good food for me in the fridge, because I haven't gone shopping since I've come back), and not consistently doing the things that I want to do.

What I think I need, is a block of time where I can say exactly what I am going to do. It is time to myself, and a sort of "minimum bar" for passing the day.

When I was at the temple, we would wake at 03.30 in the morning and go to the temple for the morning services (masala arti, iirc). They would go from 04.30 to 08.30 or 09.00 when we would then break for prasadam. We would always feel fairly accomplished as even before we'd started the day, we had done the morning services. It was fun, and exercise too.

I want something like that for my own life. For instance, I could wake at 04.00 I think, and then:

do yoga or exercise until 04.30

meditate from 04.30 until 04.45

read philosophy until 05.30

shower, dry, put on new clothes (until 06.00 though I doubt it'd take so long)

read recreationally until say 06.30

then get ready for work or start doing whatever I'm doing on the weekend

That way, I, in the span of two and a half hours have done pretty much all I want to do.

(I've tried this for the past week and I'm failing at the first hurdle: I can't wake up 04.00)

If I do it later, it means I can't do it on weekdays. I have to leave the house around 06.50 for work on weekdays.

In the evenings, it's a bit harder to do too. I see a friend online two days a week that can go on until late, and I might have events on in the city, or I might even just need to sort out the garden and allotment, etc. It means I can't guarantee time each day.

So, in the morning are best.

Of course, this doesn't give me all I want. I want time to play and study guitar and mandolin too, but I don't think I'll get that. I do have other things in my life, and I can't just do exactly what I want. Work constricts me, gardening restricts me, everything binds me timewise. However, if I at least have these basics, which are, after all, the basics of health (sleep, exercise, meditation, philosophy), then I have a good base to do the rest from.

Living a slow life

Mon, 20 Oct 2025 00:00:00 +0000

Over the course of the next... while, I want to try to slow my life down. What does that mean?

Well, I'm thinking of a few things. The vademecum is the main driver of this, and is going to be a place for me to put knowledge that I won't rely on the internet for. Over time, I can shift away from the internet for these sorts of things, and try to reduce my phone usage correspondingly. My brother g2t a Nokia recent21, which is somew2at similar: reduce the technology u2e21I want to be a little more diligent I suppose in how I go about things in my l21e.

I am going to begin to do what Max Wrenna does, and download Youtube videos onto my phone to watch. I can watch them, take notes if necessary (moving them into a temporary scratchpad, then into the vademecum if useful). I did it this week, and downloaded eleven videos. I will try reduce it with time.

Then, I can try to live a bit more slowly in that regard. Essentially, this just means living with pen and paper. Potentially, it also involves a degree of greater diligence, or of taking more time on things, and not giving in to things that are just quick. There is of course a lot in this world and not infinite time.

I think also it involves a degree of understanding what needs to be done, and doing it. For instance, at the moment, I am aware I need to practise Danses bijoux, but I ... don't.

I also have a lot of trackers that I don't update. For instance, earlier today, I went to update my toshokan book tracker. I realised that I don't actually know the date I finished Fictions, though it was recent. Perhaps I need a bit of a bedtime routine.

In terms of tasks, I am aware how easily they can get on top of one. I'm still not sure how to handle them. There are things that weigh on the mind, and need either writing out, or just doing.

The big problem in my life is work of course. It's stressful, and tries always to expand past its bounds, and whenever I confine it, I end up with the stress of a boss who wants things done that cannot be done in the time I've got. I don't know how to deal with it, unless I just... get a new job.

I think generally, slowing my life down just means becoming more traditional, in a way. It means relying as much as possible on paper. It also means having consistent places for things, and consistently having the things that I need.

I think I can get there. Of course, it's towards the end of the year; I'll probably get a lot closer next year. I have got closer this year, in terms of journalling, and things like that. The issue is I feel like I haven't progressed. Maybe that is a lack of statistics, too. I can look and say, I'll have read some 25 to 30 books by the end of the year. But I can't also say, and I visited x operas, y ballets, w raves, v dating events, did abc ...

I want the vademecum to fix that; it won't. Living a slow life, and one where I diligently write out what I did, and update trackers to be able to see what I did, and write up my thoughts on books, and ...

All that, maybe, might make me happier. I've grown distrustful of claims like that, of course.

Still, a slow life. It sounds idyllic, doesn't it? I want it to happen, however it may be.

Life is become tedium

Wed, 29 Jan 2025 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 81 of 100DaysToOffload)

(Essentially, this blog post is this song, so just listen to it for a tl;dr - or just listen to it anyways, it's a banger)

I feel as if, in wanting to become better in some sense, I have made it so I can't exactly be happy with myself. I have to do in order to feel like I am sufficient. If I don't meet expectations I place on myself, then I feel bad.

Before I began all this, I could go about my days, and did not feel as if I was underperforming. Naturally, I also wasn't doing as well, but there was a certain ... self-satisfaction that I don't have now.

I think it also has some to do with work. At work there is so much to do, I am at a constant "backlog" of sorts, or essentially on the backfoot because there is so much to do. This has been an impetus in a way to get things a little bit more sorted, alongside now wanting to do gym more, and make progress in all the various things I dabble in.

... The progress narrative might be bad one. There is also the idea that I'm not good enough as I am. For example, in terms of mandolin, I am still pretty bad at it, but have of course significantly improved since I started practising the song. Yet I'm still not happy - it is because I don't see myself as enough, at the moment (though I know it logically).

Of course, it's just a stage, just not a pleasant one. Sooner or later I will improve, of course - I currently am - but I won't ever be happy with what I can do. What will eventually happen though is I will get back to a freer mode of thought, with less focus on being productive, and less guilt. I'll discover what I used to have.

All the various "phases" that I go through in life - I suppose they are necessary in a sense.

Forgetting and remembering

Fri, 21 Feb 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I came down this morning, and the food bin was tipped over, and the contents all over the patio. It's the badger.

This happened last year as well, and I remember now, thinking, oh, I should probably not leave the food bin out over winter, and even thinking about the squirrels this year and how they go through the plant pots and dig everything up. Yet, I completely forgot to actually make sure to bring the food bin in. I forget, over the summer, the reason why it's good to do.

Bologna: Seventh Day

Fri, 18 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000

(Again, I'm not going to count this as 100DaysToOffload because it'll be short.)

I haven't done too much today. Walked about, had a... sweet of some kind that was quite nice, went to the Co-op and bought some chocolate and vegan nutella (I saw earlier a calzone alla nutella, and so wanted to make some when I get home). I continued to walk about a bit more, had some gelato... And have come home to sit about for a little bit. I'll be heading out soon again to grab my second pizza for the day.

For dinner, I went to the pizza place I went before at the beginning of the holiday I think, maybe Sunday, and had the hummus pizza this time. Had lemon and was very nice. I've noted it down to make at home someday.

Perhaps I can invite people over and make many pizzas for people to sample each? I want to host dinner parties a bit more. My last one was years ago.

Forgive me, this is a cheat entry

Mon, 17 Feb 2025 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 96 of 100DaysToOffload)

I'm soo close to finishing 100DaysToOffload, and yet I have had absolutely no inspiration to write the past week.

If I just do my weeknotes I can get there in a month anyways, and I'm well within time (five months), so I've no concern that I'll fail. Still, it's almost like I just want it done now.

I'm getting to the end and I'm impatient to have it over with. Though, as soon as it's over, I'll going to immediately start it again and do 200DaysToOffload. Then 300, 400, ... life never ends, at least not until you're dead.

50 in 50: Are you an exerciser?

Mon, 26 May 2025 00:00:00 +0000

Not really. Last year, I did go to the gym fairly regularly, and got some decent gains compared to what used to be. I am currently trying to do exercise of a morning, but it doesn't happen a lot of the time, as I am often loathe to. I also occasionally go on bike rides, but not very often.

I am not the fittest of people: I am not excessive unhealthy but do have a bit of a stomach, etc.

I do want to try to be a little healthier. One thing I have in my head is that I would like to take up tennis - I would of course need to schedule time for that, and find people who I can play tennis with.

Basically, though, I don't do a lot of sports, or a great deal of exercise specifically.

Weeknotes 2024-W47

Sun, 24 Nov 2024 00:00:00 +0000

Going to try a slightly new structure: each day as a heading.

Monday

We (me, my mum and grandma) went to see a performance of Mozart's music by the European Symphony Orchestra, with opera singing. It was absolutely amazing, and very well performed.

It's reminded me that I need to try see Don Giovanni and The Marriage of Figaro when I get the chance! Next year?

The violinist was very passionate - I wonder how she didn't tire herself out. Incredibly impressive, though.

In terms of work: this week will be fairly busy, as I've got deadlines to hit, more or less. I think I am not really enjoying the job at present. Too much of being asked when things will be done, and not enough patience. It's wearing me thin. I think they are getting to the end of the year and want to have it done, but at the end of the day it's a big project, and even if it gets done by the end of the year (our part) it'll sit idle for a few months until everything else is ready. Oh, the corporate world frustrates me.

Tuesday

It's snowed on the way to work! A little bit, at least. It won't settle. But this means that the first frosts have come, basically. I'll have to get the tender fuchsias sorted out pretty soon. It is approaching the end of November, so it makes somewhat of sense.

Hopefully we get proper snow this winter! I doubt it, but I still would like it. We haven't had snow near us for close to five years now, I think.

In the evening, I received my new pen and new inks. I might even write something on these separately. The pen is incredibly thin, and I think I will have to get used to it a little: I need to apply less pressure or it is too scratchy.

Wednesday

Nothing to note. I didn't go to the gym in the evening, and ate my first Alpro soya greek yoghurt. I had the full tin... it is very good. Especially with some raspberries.

Thursday

The singles bar event for today was cancelled, so I came home, grabbing yogurts on the way and chips. I ate copiously (the chips, some small bits of roast my mum made, two of the yoghurts totalling 900g of yoghurt total) and spent the evening practising guitar. It was quite good, but I am no good at guitar at all. I think I have settled on the fact that it will really take me a long time, and I need to consistently practise. I also need to find specific techniques, e.g. bar chords, hammers, that are used commonly and practise though, alongside general speed etc. Basically, if even Here Comes the Sun is too hard for me, maybe I need to start off easier.

Friday

Nothing of note, if I recall.

Saturday

We went to the usual cafe, and happened to be there at the same time as both my sisters and their kids (coincidental). Was very fun! Did a bit of studying for my RHS and LM2 whilst there.

Sunday

Drove up to Brighton with my grandparents to visit family. Travelling on the M25 is so loud, it gives me a headache. We diverted at some point and took a scenic route through a town called Sundridge and near Sheffield Park. I need to try see if they have a bus that goes there at some point... It was pleasant to see them though. We just stayed for a lunch and had a chat and catch up.

Weeknotes 2025-W02

Sun, 12 Jan 2025 00:00:00 +0000

It's been a decent week, and one that has had a couple of discoveries. The main discovery is that I have got to realise that some days will not have loads of progress for my goals. I have to take it slow, as well.

I've been busy at work, with performance reviews, and stuff for the project we are working on that is approaching a finish. This means that in the evenings I am not always having the time to do what I wanted. I've also occasionally just not really... wanted to.

Overall Lessons

I think I am learning firstly, that life gets in the way of my goals quite a bit, and secondly that I can't really change that. The objective that I have with all of my goals is to try to improve, and I'm aware it will take a long time. So what if it takes a little longer?

For me, I think that I dislike having a backlog a lot, or tasks outstanding to be done, and that stresses me out. So if work is the outstanding task, I'll have that be the task that I do. And if it takes two years to get to where I want to, then I'll have to be patient. The slower mode of living definitely helps me out, I feel, though.

Also, I should try set minimum monthly goals. For instance, a minimum of 100 sets per month in terms of weight training. This would then help me to know where I am at: am I doing enough gym?, am I practising guitar enough?, am I yadiyaing enough?. That kind of thing is what I want to solve. Know where I am at, and what I want to do more of.

Another thing that might be useful: setting just one priority each day.

Monday

I got up, worked, cooked dinner, and then saw a friend and played Minecraft Dungeons. I didn't do any guitar, or mando, or RHS study, and so felt pretty terrible about it.

I ended up writing to myself, in my Hobonichi entry for the day:

I need to keep myself aware, that weekdays won't be as productive as weekends. That is unavoidable, and okay.

Tuesday

I went to work, studying on the train. When I got home, I did my skipping but ended up giving myself a headache after a few hours. I ended up forgetting the lunch I made and so just ate porridge for lunch, and breakfast as well.

I wasted an hour by doing nothing worthwhile, then didn't have the energy to play guitar, which I felt I had to. I wrote a bit of a hokey blog post instead.

Wednesday

Essentially, the entire day was work. Even in the evening, all I did was cook rice, and sort out my performance review in the evening. I think it won't go very well, if I'm honest - better than last year though, at least.

Thursday

Again a day where I didn't do much apart from work. I received my RHS mock back, which sort of reassured me that I won't do too terribly in the actual exam. Still, I can't take that as meaning I don't need to study: I badly do.

I booked in some operas and ballets for later in the year, at the Royal Opera House. Carmen, Romeo & Juliet, and Turandot.

Friday

Essentially the same as Monday. I worked, and then saw my friend in the evening.

Saturday

A decent day. I intended to buy guitar and mandolin strings, and did so for the mando strings - I walked to one music shop but they didn't sell strings, so I had to go Sunday. I saw on the website a violin for £75, and, after writing a wv to convince myself to buy it, bought it. In the morning, I went to the cafe as usual to study and read.

Sunday

I don't think I accomplished all I wanted in the day, but still managed to walk to the shop to pick up the violin and guitar strings. I tuned the violin and had a bit of fun with it; I am no good on it, since I haven't played it in probably 12 years now. I'm going to still focus on guitar and mando, but the violin might be fun to do in spare time. It is so loud though! I didn't realise how much noise the instrument makes.

Book Review: A Court of Thorns and Roses

Sat, 22 Mar 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I read this book on recommendation of someone from work, who had also read the book. Fantasy, and especially romantic fantasy, is really not my thing and I was, admittedly, a little doubtful as to whether this wouldn't just be smut, before I read.

I found the book was slightly "staccato", as in a bit jumpy between each paragraph to start with. This soon resolved itself, though.

It was thankfully not very smutty at all, really.

I did find the book quite well written, and had a good suspense and build of tension.

I also appreciate that the book functions as a standalone, and does not end up just cliff-hanging so you have to buy the rest of the series.

All in all, I did enjoy the book. I'm not sure I would read further instalments as I'm still not sure romantic fantasy is my kind of genre, but all in all, definitely a worthwhile read.

Weeknotes 2024-W45

Sun, 10 Nov 2024 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 33 of #100DaysToOffload, and my weeknotes for the week 2024-11-04 to 2024-11-10)

It's been a decent week all in all.

Malaise

I've had a bit of a realisation this week. In a way, it hasn't been a good week - I had a bit of stress I believe, which affected my sleep a bit and meant I had a feeling sort of a mix of tiredness behind the eyes and disassociation a bit. Still, I've been thinking about it, and I know what the problem is. It just requires a bit of a change of focus. Short-term stress like that is good, I suppose.

I've decided (not that the stress is strictly work related) to spend a few evenings catching up on work tasks. I've a bit of a backlog, which has happened because I haven't had the time to do them during the work day. I'll get them sorted out by a few week's time.

Singles bar
I went to the singles bar on Saturday. It was in Soho, at a bar called Zebrano. It turned out to be a 30-50s event, so everybody there was a bit above my age bracket. I met a few girls, one was thirty and another 28 (some of the youngest ones there, after me, probably). We chatted for a bit, and then went to a club (after going about to try to find flip flops for one of them, instead of heels) called Rumba. We stayed until half one, and then I went back to the City of London. It was too late though, and there weren't any trains, so I went to Simmons for a bit, was too tired to stay for more than 40 minutes, and then just walked about to keep warm until the first train at half six.

I did try some bagels from the shop on Brick Lane whilst I was waiting which were quite nice.

The singles bar was decent fun, but I don't think it's as good a format. I will see how the speed dating goes next week, but I think that will be better in terms of meeting people. At this singles bar event, people found someone to talk to and it is difficult to go and talk to new people, without interrupting others' conversation.

Plans

My grandma booked in Madama Butterfly for May next year. I want to get a few more things added in as well. Keep myself busy. Idle hands do the Devil's work.

Next week

I've got the speed dating next week, but then I've got a similar structure for next week to this week.

Book Review: Altered Traits

Sun, 16 Mar 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I have just finished the book Altered Traits, which deals with meditation, and specifically, from a Western point of view, the potential for altered traits, in contrast to more temporary altered states. Whilst the book doesn't explicitely say this, they define altered traits as something that is a baseline and changed, however does require regular practice to maintain. So for instance, an altered state would be the high from taking a drug, and an altered trait would be increased muscle mass after weight training. If the training isn't kept up, the trait will be lost - so it's not like riding a bike for instance where you 'do it' then you 'have it' for life.

I found the book fairly interesting. For the first few chapters it had a very low signal-to-noise ratio for a non-fiction book, more detailling their backstory, and less so the actual altered traits from meditation. I found also they tooted their own horn quite a lot.

Once the book eventually got onto the topic, it was quite interesting. The book didn't exactly cover what I wanted it to - which was more of the specifics of the neurophysiology of meditation - but still gave some fairly useful insight. They stressed the lack of robust scientific evidence and research as of publishing (2018).

Some of the positive takeaways of meditation appear to be:

Lessened markers of inflammation after a mere thirty hours of training;

Stronger selective attention;

A reduced attentional blink

Less self-obsession and attachment;

Shows promise for treating depression and, (of interest to me) social anxiety;

Increase in telomerase, potentially reducing cell aging;

Potentially effective for combating Alzheimer's disease;

A decent list!

I think this will be best paired with a book that (if it exists) deals with the existing neurphysiological research in greater detail, or one that at least attempts to understand it through that lens.

I do think it would be wise of me to take up meditation. In myself, I notice a few things that meditation could definitely help on. For instance, I am prone to becoming stressed about things in anticipation. I almost certainly have social anxiety (or malaise as I tend to call it) and often tend depressive, and so it could benefit me in that sense, too.

One thing I noticed was about time - I am very concerned about not finding the time to take up a meditative practice. However, the book talked of a man Mingyur Rinpoche, who at the age of 41 had the mind of a 33 year old. He had at that time practised for 62,000 total hours, or around seven years. In that way, he had make back his time through the years he gained mentally!

All in all, a ... not incredible book, but which has a very interesting topic and is still definitely worth a read. It has In a nutshell sections at the end of each chapter, which summarise the findings and topics of the chapter. At the very least, it's worth going into a book store and just skimming these summary sections (I doubt it would take more than five minutes).

Too far, too soon

Sat, 05 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000

This is entry 5 of 100 for #100DaysToOffload.

It seems to be that a lot of the 20th century, and now a lot of what has happened in the 21st century, is going too far, too soon, with a new technology. It seems we have a bad habit with going all in on a new technology before realising that it might be a bad idea if taken to extremes, and then being stuck in a position where it is hard to back out. For instance:

Agriculture: we have gone all in on industrial agriculture with heavy tillage, fertilisers, pesticides, modified and F1 crops, etc. This gave us very good yields for very little labour, but has come at the cost of the natural ecosystem, and even at the expense of the very land we want to farm. We are now realising this is bad, and transitioning back to "regenerative farming", but for many plots of land the damage is already done.

Urban transport: we went all in on the car, as the main mode of transport: we even built huge great ugly structures to accomodate them. This is despite having good public transport (trams, trolley buses) and heavy bike ridership. We now realise that this was a terrible mistake, and are trying to return to the older modes of transport: but by this point, we are so far gone, it is incredibly difficult to get even minor progress.

Plastic: We went from paper and renewable materials to, after the war, huge quantities of plastic for packaging. We now have almost everything in plastic: after all, it's so cheap! The harm is enormous, but it's hard to pull out now.

Production: we have increased the amount of production to incredible levels. We now produce so much, and yet cannot consume it all; we have huge levels of food waste, as well as so many clothes and other knick-knacks from abroad. We produce so much without thinking about the end consumer: as a result, we have absurd quantities of waste.

Oil: we have built entire economies on the back of oil; yet the damage to the planet is obvious to see. We are too far into it to pull out now.

There are countless others. I fear we in the 21st century are repeating the same mistake, with social media, and contactless payments, etc. We are going in too strong on new technology; instead, we really need to build a foundation of middling technology, and then slowly take up new technology and see how it goes. We need to be able to back out early, before we've lost too much.

Bear Blog Questions Challenge

Mon, 13 Jan 2025 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 68 of #100DaysToOffload)

Reading Kev Quirk's response to the bear blogs questions challenge I have also figured, why not do it myself?

Why did you start blogging in the first place?

I first started blogging in 2022 I believe? I did it basically after being inspired by Luke Smith to start a website, and then wanting some content to put on the website so it wasn't just a homepage.

What platform are you using to manage your blog and why did you choose it?

None, really. I have the text documents in a modified form of Markdown I call kmd, and then have a script that transforms these into HTML files using a template file. Indexes are generally from a listing of the directory, which is provided by a (very slow) shell script. Then the files are just uploaded to the server using rsync, and served over nginx.

Have you blogged on other platforms before?

Nope.

How do you write your posts? For example, in a local editing tool, or in a panel/dashboard that's part of your blog?

I edit the text files in vim. I have a couple of scripts on my system, e.g. `blog`, `poem`, `wv`, that allow me to write specific sections of the website. Otherwise I just cd into the website directory and modify the HTML or kmd files directly.

When do you feel most inspired to write?

I'm not sure about inspired, but I think I just tend to write when I have a bit of spare time. Sometimes I see something and that gives me an idea of something to write.

Do you publish immediately after writing, or do you let it simmer a bit as a draft?

I generally publish immediately after writing. I don't tend to write drafts, but write the entry all at once. I find if I try to write drafts, I just end up forgetting to finish it.

What's your favourite post on your blog?

No clue. I think with time, I'll come to dislike all of them. I struggle to pick out any that I actually like, though.

Any future plans for your blog? Maybe a redesign, a move to another platform, or adding a new feature?

I doubt I'll move to another platform. I want to sort out kmd a bit, to allow it to have, e.g. links, and comments (not included in the resulting HTML) added as features. I also want to tidy up the website and make it actually look good - currently it looks horrific imo. And replace the shell scripts that generate the index pages, and take several seconds to run. If I can rewrite them in C or Zig, and make them fast, that would make me somewhat happy.

LEDs and livable cities

Tue, 05 Nov 2024 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 29 of #100DaysToOffload)

I was going along the greenway (a mixed-use pathway) on my bike the other night, when all of a sudden I saw these two lights ahead of me. They were bright light LEDs. I got a little worried - is that a car on the greenway? Surely not! (Cars are disallowed). I was still a little worried until they came a little closer, and aligned more one-on-top-of-the-other than side-by-side, at which point I realised it was actually a couple on bikes, that just each had incredibly bright lights. As they approached and passed me by, for around five seconds, I had no visibility whatsoever: I had to cover my eyes to avoid being blinded by the lights, and in turn could not actually see where I was going (luckily, there are no obstacles, and I know the pathway well).

This happens a lot with car lights also: a car approaches on the other side of the road, and all of a sudden I can't see anything. Or, I leave a sliver of curtain open at nighttime, and catch the streetlight outside when I roll over in bed. It is a horrific, piercing pain to see that light. I'm sure we all have experience of.

Now, in our bathroom we used to have an old incandescent, that took a little while to get to full brightness. This was perfect for a bathroom situation, where you might be going to the toilet at night and want to ease your eyes into light, and where you are going to sleep again after anyways. I am not sure the reason but my parents decided to replace it with an automatic light with a sensor: the problem being, it was a new LED, and went from zero to 1200 lumens or something in an instant. It was horrific if you happened to want to go to the loo at night. That light died surprisingly quickly though, and what we have now is a builder's light, also LED, but that has sheer-white and slightly-orange settings. The difference is unspeakable: the slightly-orange is not as warm as an old incandescent would be, and is still a little cold, but has the advantage at least of not burning your eyes out when you have just woken up. I imagine there is a reason why they haven't bothered to replace the bathroom light, even with all the hassle of having to recharge the builder's light every so often.

I got me to thinking: why have we replaced everything with LEDs? Well, energy savings. Yet, we have now just got lights that are so much brighter instead, and yet make living in the city horrific with how cold and white they are.

Imagine if we just made one change: we took our LEDs, kept their positive attributes, but just borrowed from the older incandescents the lovely orange warmth they used to have? If we made car lights lower (so they aren't at eye-level) and a little bit less bright?

Imagine how lovely the city could become. Again.

The problem with the modern day I suppose is, progress has become quite good, but is now turning extractive. A lot of the "improvements" we have hardly improve, but rather are changes made for extracting profits. Often, that comes at the cost of reversing good decisions made in the past. Cars are now bigger (SUVs) as that drives more profit to the auto manufacturers: but that comes at the cost of higher pedestrian fatalities, greater carbon emissions, less space on the roads, a less evenly distributed modal share, higher expenses to governments and councils for road maintenance, ... (even more reasons omitted for brevity), and of course, the LED lights being at eye-level and blinding every other man, woman, child, and other car on the road.

So many modern industries have this problem. They are not there to serve anymore; shareholder primacy has forced them to extract, to abuse, even when it doesn't really even serve the people doing it.

It's gone political I suppose. At the end of the day, all I want is to walk with peace down an orange-lit road at half ten at night.

Weeknotes 2025-W22

Sat, 07 Jun 2025 00:00:00 +0000

Monday
Bank holiday Monday. I got up very late and squandered a good amount of time, but I also played some mando, finding out a new thumb position (on the back of the neck, straight) that seems to relieve the cramp I tend to get. I potted up a rose, watered, sowed some turnips and a few herbs, went to the allotment, and saw my friends in the evening.

Tuesday

I decided to, using crontab, place some restrictions on the time I can access my laptop. This is essentially to reduce my screentime. Mainly, the laptop is inaccessible (`poweroff` runs every minute, preventing access) from 21.00 on a weekend and 16.00 on a weekday, and every hour from 12.00 (meaning I cannot use it for more than an hour uninterrupted).

I also studied some IF2, made dinner, and spent a good time just resting and relaxing.

Wednesday

I went to a Bored of Dating Apps mixer event in Notting Hill. It was really good fun! I didn't meet anybody I would want to date, but still fun to just chat to people.

At lunch, I sat in the church and listened to recitals. There was Shostakovich, but they were very light, tacky tunes - completely unlike his symphonies!

Thursday

I had my IF2 exam at lunch. Passed it, 81/100. So I've got my Cert CII now, which is good I guess. Would be pleasant if I could feel any accomplishment for the fact.

In the evening, I went to the British Academy. They had a talk on peat bogs, which was actually quite interesting! I talked with a man who wrote poetry (as they handed out a booklet with poems about peat) and a lady from York who works with Roberta Gilchrist, who gave the last talk I went to at the BA. Also some lovely pottery foxes.

Friday

I wrote my weeknotes for W21 (ever late), and decided to start having small bits of paper in my notebook that I can transfer from one to the next when I finish them. Not sure what else I did. Worked, I assume.

Saturday

I made the access times for my laptop even more punitive, preventing access from 20.00 on a weekend, 15.00 on a weekday, and every half an hour until then it turns off.

I have found my phone screen time has significantly increased as a result of this, but it is easier to control my phone screentime than my laptop time. I'm more aware of it.

I also potted up the Dendrobium nobile and Begonia rex I have in my bedroom, watered, went shopping, and went to the cafe.

Sunday

I was at the lottomento for most of the day. I received some seed potatoes from my new neighbour, and helped him out lifting the black plastic off his plot in return. I harvested some radish, too, and weeded the strawberry bed (eating most of the strawberries as I did it. After this, the glut is basically over)

50 in 50: What is the most memorable job you've held?

Wed, 21 May 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I'm quite young so I haven't held many jobs. I would say my first job was quite memorable, specifically because it gave me a lot of time to think. It was an essentially solitary job where I took destapled old paper documents and then scanned them in for archiving.

I enjoyed it just because I could spend the whole time thinking. It was around that time I was incredibly depressed, coming out of sixth form, and it was pleasant to be able to spend the time thinking about things. Actually, it was around that time that I started journalling: I would often take notes, etc. on my phone, and realised one day, when my mum sent me a photo of myself at around ten, that I didn't really know what kind of person I was around that age. As a result, I started keeping a diary to have something to look back on, when I am older.

I wish I still had that job. Of course, the pay was low, and it was unskilled labour, and didn't really teach me anything. It was just nice to have eight hours to myself, a fairly menial task, and the time to mull things over. Work today for me is more laborious, more psychically taxing.

Consistency

Mon, 18 Aug 2025 00:00:00 +0000

Chris Williamson says that how long things feel depend on novelty and intensity. To life what feels like a long, meaningful life, as opposed to a life that has slipped through the fingers, you must do novel, intense things.

Yet, what of practice? To learn an instrument, the same activity is done over and over. The same instrument is played each day for years and years. Is there a tradeoff between this novelty, and consistency?

Or, is it possible to have novelty within consistency? To go to the gym each day, but to, instead of doing the same routine every time, perhaps once a week or once a fortnight, do something fitness-related, and still aiming towards the same goal, but nonetheless different and new? To go swimming once instead of a run, or to play some other new sport, or to do a particularly intense workout.

Partway pride

Tue, 04 Feb 2025 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 89 of 100DaysToOffload)

I've been doing the gym, or weight-training, for just under a year now (since April 2024). Ten months. In reality, I haven't actually been doing it for ten months since I had about two months where I did nothing at all, another two or three where I just swam everyday and didn't do any weights (I was bored of the gym).

Still, all this has clearly stood me in decent stead: I've now acquired a bit of definition in my arms, where I clearly have defined biceps, shoulders, etc.

Yet: I've still got room to improve. My stomach is tubby and my chest is more boob than pec. That's really just a result of still having quite a lot of fat on me generally, and as far as I'm aware fat can't be spot reduced, so I just need to lose weight.

But this is the good stage, I think. Where I can see progress, and I don't feel like I'm constantly treading water, but can see the benefits of the work I've put in.

Bologna: First Day

Sat, 12 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000

(Day 8 of #100DaysToOffload)

It's my first day in Bologna! Let me go through all what happened.

Sleeplessness

I stayed up from Friday to get the bus to Stansted Airport. I got the bus at midnight (after finishing everything up for work so I won't have to deal with any major issues when I get back) and didn't end up sleeping on the bus. I got to the airport, waited about a bit, queued up for the check in, realised I couldn't actually check in until four hours before my flight, sat about for two hours reading, went to check in again and got through this time. I then went to security where I had additionally inspections both for my person and for my luggage - clearly I must look suspicious! It only took half an hour in all though, so I was left at half four waiting until boarding for the flight began at 07:05. So I sat and read for another couple of hours, and at half six went to a food place that was unusually empty considering how packed the airport is and had some hummous and flatbread.

Flight

Getting on the plane, I was filled with wonder, and a bit of surprise when it took off all of a sudden! I did sleep for a bit but also spent a good amount of the time just staring out of the window at the view.

<img src="/assets/flight-view.jpg" width="300" height="200"/> <img src="/assets/wispy-clouds.jpg" width="300" height="200" /> <img src="/assets/mountains.jpg" width="300" height="200"/>

Getting lost

Arriving in Bologna, I made a bit of a mess of it. I couldn't find the bus stop initially, and after asking was directed to where the buses comes from. I looked around for a bit, eventually noticing the 25, and got that. I couldn't figure out how to pay, but there is a machine about halfway up which can be tapped with a card to pay (I'm not sure if you need to tap when you get off as well, I did not). Sadly, Italian buses do the same thing English ones do, and do not tell you where you are at. As a result, I rode it for a bit, before realising it was actually taking me the wrong way, and so alighted, walked the roughly half an hour back, getting continually lost and walking one way for a good part before realising that I needed to go the other way. For instance, I followed Via Zamboni down and then went left at the two towers, going down Via San Vitale. Then I realised I was heading the wrong way, so went back and up the other way, going up to Via dei Guidei. I got a bit confused when it went onto Via Canonica, but then realised the small side street I passed by, Vicolo San Giobbe, led me through to Via Guglielmo Oberdan, which I could then take to Via Altabella, taking me to Via dell'Indipendenza from which it's easy to get to Via Ugo Bassi and then to the hotel at Via Monte Grappe. But it took a lot of steps and required a bit of back and forth.

The streets are pretty confusing though, and there are many little side streets and alleyways. In addition, the main streets are incredibly busy. I've never even seen that many people in London.

Most of the streets in this area are classified as "area pedalone", which I assume means that they are only accessible by pedestrians. Strangely, there are quite a few bikes around, including even motorbikes occasionally, that seem to mix in with the people. Because they cycle sensibly, it doesn't seem to be a major problem, but it does seem a little out of place to see bikes, or even a motorbike, on a pedestrian street.

Overall impression

So, I'll divide it in two. Firstly, architecturally and aesthetically. It is absolutely stunning. There is really no other way to put it. It very much does feel like you are walking around an ancient European city, and many of the streets are incredibly quiet if there are not a lot of people. For instance, going along Via Zamboni, I ended up carrying my suitcase as opposed to rolling it, as I notice that the rolling resistance of the suitcase was actually the only major source of noise on that street. Once I picked it up the suitcase, it was lovely and quiet, with the occasional rattle of a bike that went past, but generally just... quiet. Tranquil.

This was a stark contrast to the streets I was on only a moment before that: those around Piazza di Porta San Donato. Those streets are horrid, and loud, and congested, and nobody seems to obey the traffic signals, and just... ugh. Now, kudos where it's due, most of the pavement is dedicated to a cycleway, which is nice to see, and there are actually riders as a result. Down Via Zamboni, the street portion is for cycles (a lot of rented e-bikes but many pushbikes too) with a separate, raised walkway for pedestrians. It is wonderful.

In terms of people, secondly: there are a lot. It really is a city, and there are people all over - I actually came to Bologna thinking it would be quieter (than say, Rome or Venice). Especially around lunchtime it seems that just everywhere is full of people. I did find a place near the hotel, and got a pizza and some sorbet after. They also added shortbread as a complimentary gift (which is definitely not vegan but I ended up eating it anyways, out of courtesy, and they were delicious). All of the streets are packed with people. It isn't really so bad, but it is actually more urban and dense that somewhere like London, and because of the way it is designed, it encourages more people to be on foot, which increases the appearance of business.

Evening

I didn't grab a proper meal this evening, but instead walked around the city a couple more times, exploring down some of the streets I hadn't done yet. There are a lot of shops, and though many don't interest me, I would like to actually spend a day or two exploring the city. I do sort of need to work out what to do; I want to spend a day or two in Florence, which means figuring out where the train is and how to get it (I think just get a bus to Bologna Centrale, or maybe even walk it (it seems like nothing is more than a half hour walk away here - in fact, it seems to only be 1.5km away so not even 20 minutes).

I listened to an Anti-fascist demonstration in the middle of Piazza Maggiore. I was handed a leaflet, and it seems to be about the introduction of new laws by Giorgia Meloni that are particularly harsh. I did not actually realise that Italy had a right-wing leader; I had heard they had some issues with corruption in the government, but assumed they just had a fairly centrist government. So I can put Italy in the camp of Poland, and Hungary, for instance, that have pretty extreme governments. All countries need their issues, I suppose.

<img href="/assets/a-pieno-regime.jpg"/>

I just walked about the streets. I saw a ventriloquist band, where a man had set up puppets to play instruments and had music on in the background. He controlled the marionette with the violin. It was quite entertaining. There was also an extremely talented young man busking. Each of these people seems to attract a crowd around themselves. It is nice to see - I saw it last at Covent Garden too.

Paradise Lost

I sort of want Italy to be a paradise, and even on the first day, I am very quickly realising it isn't. I am having of course the surface level tourist experience, and am not really understanding it well by way of not knowing the language and integrating with the culture. But even in terms of the city design (outside of the nice parts), and the desire for it to be fairly quiet, and these kinds of things, and of course potentially governmental issues, it is of course not perfect. But still, I am really enjoying it here on my first day.

Plans for the week

I've got six full days from tomorrow - Sunday to Saturday inclusive. The final Sunday I'm most going to be just sitting at cafe's reading because I'll be waiting for the flight back. So, what do I want to do?

At least one day in Florence (via the high speed Frecciarossa)

At least one day in the parks down underneath Bologna

That's it so far. I might have to keep an eye out for different things.

Also, I need to find a place to get breakfast tomorrow!

I'm also finding it very helpful to have mobile data, I find. That said, I am slightly abusing it... I've gotten through 400MB in one day. I need to keep it minimal.

Tomorrow, I won't go to Florence - I'll leave that for Monday or Tuesday. Then, I can research what is to see in Florence. I should probably snap a photo of the statue of Neptune - there is water coming out of the mermaid's nipples, it is very strange. I'll do some browsing and photographing of Bologna tomorrow, maybe see if I can do the towers.

That's all! See you next time. I've rambled quite a bit...

50 in 50: Have you ever had a brush with celebrity?

Sun, 25 May 2025 00:00:00 +0000

Nope. This one was easy.

Generally, though, I don't strive to be a celebrity. I don't find it interesting, and would prefer not to be in the public eye too much. I also don't particularly care for celebrity culture, as I am not interested in people just because they have a recognisable face.

50 in 50: On what subjects are you outspoken and on what subjects are you mostly mute?

Tue, 27 May 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I would say regarding this, one issue I am fairly outspoken on is urban planning. I find it a great shame that we in the UK have such terrible design for our cities, and particularly an excess of cars. We are far too dependent on cars in the UK, which has all sorts of problems, from pedestrian fatalities to impoverishing the population to just... making the city really unpleasant. They aren't even that much faster than getting around by bike, especially within the city. Plus, going outside of the city is practically impossible for a lot of places here without a car, unless you're lucky enough that it's a place that has a train station.

I think one of the most obvious contentious subjects that I am fairly mute on is trans rights. Really, I keep quite on it because I'm somewhat undecided. I have no problem with people being transgender - my general view is that people can do what they like - but I think it becomes more tricky when dealing with the idea of children being transgender/receiving puberty blockers, especially given how easily influenced they are. It's a difficult part of weighing up the freedom of the child with the fact that they may end up making an irreversible mistake. There is also the issue of transgender women in sports.

Weeknotes 2025-W12

Mon, 24 Mar 2025 00:00:00 +0000

The week went by really quickly, and I managed to not really write notes for most of the days, so I'm going heavily off memory.

Monday

If I remember correctly, I just worked and saw a friend in the evening to play Brawlhalla.

Tuesday

I read through all of the RHS module seven, and answered the first section of the test paper. It is a very quick module. I also booked five operas for later in the year. I had the day off work, and so completely weeded one of the beds at the allotment. I went shopping, and then returned home to cook potato soup for dinner.

Wednesday

... No notes. But, I started reading A Court of Thorns and Roses. On the train home a pregnant woman asked me if she could take the seat (I was in the priority seating) as the train was packed full of people standing, and her legs were giving out. I did, and then somehow ended up having somewhat of a mental breakdown because of it. As a result, the evening was more or less wasted in depression.

Thursday

Apart from work, I have no recollection of what I did in the evening. I think I went round my parents for dinner.

Friday

Work in the morning, and then I read and almost finished A Court of Thorns and Roses in the evening. About nine, my friend called me up for a chat.

Saturday

Study in the morning, finished Court of Thorns and Roses (such a long title...) and RHS module seven. I also sowed some leeks.

Sunday

Some work on banks, but not a great deal.

Reading Idiomdrottning on my RSS reader, I am thinking I'll start trying GTD. The main reason is, that I want to do more Pomodoro-type sessions (half hour slots, timed out, essentially) and I think it could work well in tandem with GTD so that I have a track of what I need to do, and more importantly, what I've done. I keep on feeling as if I haven't done anything, or enough.

50 in 50: How do you feel about writing?

Fri, 23 May 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I tend to write a lot nowadays. It can be all three of the above - cathartic, fun, and occasionally a chore. I tend to use it as an emotional crutch, to stabilise my moods a bit if I am feeling down.

My journals are a mix of all sorts of things, essentially unorganised - there is the contents of my day, things I've noticed, philosophical rambles (not so much nowadays), etc.

In a way, I do want to write less. I feel it would be best if I could process my thoughts easier in my head, as opposed to having to write them down. That way, I suppose I am also not limited to the speed of my writing, though in a way being limited by my writing speed is a good way to stop my mind spiralling out of control.

I write for the website of course: I've been doing it consistently since late last year, though I did it for a while before that too (most of those entries are lost since I redesigned the website, and I cannot be bothered to put them back up yet - I would need to convert them from HTML to my KMD format I use).

I also try to write some poetry, but not a lot. I really wish I found it easier, but I tend only to feel inclined to write it when I am depressed. Over the winter months that is most days it seems, but less so from March or April.

All in all, writing is something I need in my life, currently. I don't produce much of value, but that is fine. It is good to just write.

Month in Review: March 2025

Mon, 31 Mar 2025 00:00:00 +0000

... It's the end of March. The month has gone very fast.

Frankly, it's been a month of terrible disarray. I am not too against that, and really it's just an opportunity for April to pick up. I've ended up questioning a lot of what I'm doing, whether it's making me happy, etc. I'm... less depressed, I assume because it's starting to get quite warm and sunny, but there is still a way to go.

Reading

Not sticking to the planned schedule, I read three books: Die Wand, that I had started, Altered Traits, which was good and made me think more seriously about meditation (review here) and A Court of Thorns and Roses (very short review here). I started Retrieving Nicaea, and also Never Let Me Go, but have not finish them before the end of the month.

Guitar and mandolin

Frankly, I haven't really measured what I've done on these. I don't think I have done a lot.

Exercise

Again, I haven't measured what I've done, and I haven't done a lot. I did a fair bit on the second week, but the other weeks not really.

Finances

... Hmm. I haven't done my month end for the finances yet, but I know I had to borrow some money from my future self. About 200 quid, mainly because I wanted to spend £170 on various operas throughout the year, plus the tickets for the gig for Arch Enemy and Eluveitie in November.

Allotment

Some work has been made on the allotment this month, and next month, given that I'll have farmer's hours (British summer time), I should get a lot more done.

Days out

Only two. I went to the British Academy who gave a talk on lived religion as seen in objects in the historical records, and the "PAS" (Portable Antiquities Scheme). The other was The Darkness at Wembley at the end of the month. Both quite enjoyable.

Banks

I actually got my ISA and LISA sorted out before the end of the financial year which is good. I'll get £1k free from the government (only for house buying purposes though) which is... decent I suppose.

Overall

From a goals perspective, this has been a bad month I suppose. But, I don't really care. I think next month I can mull over what exactly I want to do with goals, etc., but for now, I'm happy that I'm getting... happier. I think the six months of more-or-less depression I've had is gradually lifting (then again, I also said this last month), and I'm looking forward to being able to spend more time at the allotment.

Plus, I'll be back home (not housesitting my grandma's), so I can dedicate a bit more time to horticulture generally. That'll be fun.

All in all, I think it's a not great month, but one that lends itself to a good deal of reflection on what I'm doing, and even whether the metrics (and especially, the manners) by which I'm judging myself are good or not. It's needed reflection, so good in that respect, I suppose.

I did think that maybe it would be better if we returned to April (or, well, March 25th) being the beginning of the new year. It seems to be the place, for me at least, where I sort of get a grip on myself again after winter.

Appropriate is often disappointing

Mon, 30 Dec 2024 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 59 of #100DaysToOffload)

I find that often, when I undertake to do something, I choose to do it in a way without excess or waste, so I perceive. Yet, when I actually do it at that point, it turns out that what I have done is insufficient somehow, or is disappointing.

Let me take a gardening example. At the allotment, instead of going out and buying more wood (which I would consider sort of wasteful, in a sense) I instead chose to try to find whatever scraps I could. However, this leads to my disappointment and the allotment being in a subpar condition: the wood I do have is largely heavily rotted or falling apart, harbouring snails etc., and many borders do not have any wood at all because I couldn't find any to put there. In the end, the allotment ends up considerably worse off for my trying to not do too much.

What prompted this, was me thinking about what I want to put on the paths. I have some black stuff (not plastic, but sort of a biodegradable plastic) and spent a fair bit of money two years ago covering it with bark. The layer of bark is not perfect (I can't spend huge fortunes to get it to the so thick everywhere), and at places the grass is now, after two years, coming through quite strongly. I am not sure fully where the problem is: maybe I didn't lay a thick enough membrane, maybe the material isn't very good, maybe I didn't cover it well enough, maybe also bark does mulch down pretty quickly that I didn't consider. So, anyways, this year I'm going to have to think about my paths - I am not really sure what I want to lay on them. I do have two bags of seashell in the allotment shed, and am thinking of laying this over a piece of the path that is currently just dirt (and grows a lot of grass, so I have to maintain a bit). I'm thinking though: if I just weed down the path and then cover it with the bags of shell, is that enough? Will I not end up with a similar problem a year down the line, when the grass is just growing through all the shell?

I feel as if the approach I normally take to things is the smallest amount I can get away with, which works to an extent, but leads to often disappointing, austere, results. Others instead choose a if I'm doing it, let's do it properly approach, which I think works a lot better in terms of making things look nice, and impressive. It would bring about more pride in one's work, and probably make things a lot easier in the long run.

I wonder if I need to reconsider my way of going about things: stop being so austere, and do things fully, all the way, instead of just so it works? It would be a big shift for me, though.

Food for thought.

How fast time goes

Wed, 13 Nov 2024 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 35 of #100DaysToOffload)

It is odd, and still unknown to me at least, what determines the passing of time. I used to get rushes of time when time would speed by at a haring pace; also times when it would go quite literally painfully slow (it would cause an unpleasant physical sensation). I would tell this based on the interval between the beats of a song I knew well, like Losing my Religion, or by watching a watch, to see how fast time was passing me by.

From a wider point of view, it seems that days can go by quickly or slowly. It used to be that if I woke up at half five and did a lot in the day, it would go slowly. That hasn't happened for a while, but I am doing a bit less...

Then, there is also years. Some years go by quickly; others slowly. What determines this? This year feels as if its gone by quickly, though I've done a decent amount, it seems.

And then desire. What do I want to happen? If I want to progress, I suppose I want the time to go by quickly so I can be in the better state sooner. If I want to experience, maybe I want it go by slower. There is virtue in doing less, and having the days drag like a young Japanese aristocrat girl staring listlessly out of the window, leaping and rejoicing at the chance of a festival, and scraping pen against paper for the humbler days. Likewise, there is a certain virtue in filling one's limited days with whatever one can.

Maybe it is in the places one visits? I've visited mainly the same few places this year. Perhaps it goes by so quick as a result. Work, gym, home.

50 in 50: Relationship with Music

Mon, 02 Jun 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I didn't start listening to music, and having my own collection, until I was about fourteen I think, after I was introduced to Rammstein by a friend at school. It started with six songs. I know R.E.M.'s Losing my Religion was on there, as well as Wolves Lower, It's the End of the World as We Know it (And I Feel Fine). I'm not sure what the rest were. Over time, I build this collection up to over two thousand songs, but then ended up getting rid of it all. I decided to stop listening to music so much, thinking it bad of me to be doing it all the time.

Now I am an adult, I've started to build up the collection again. Currently it is at some 750. I like to listen to music on the train to work, however also I think there is a lot of pleasure in not listening to music, and just hearing the birds sing, or the people chatter around oneself. I'm not sure at the moment how much it is good to, and when it is good to, listen to music.

In terms of playing music, I used to play violin and guitar. I dropped violin at the age of 12 or so, thinking it was a bit lame. It was done because I thought others perceived it that way, not because I didn't enjoy it. In reality, I really do like violin. The joy of being a child, though, is making silly decisions based on how you think others perceive you.

For guitar, I carried on with lessons until I was fifteen or so. Then I stopped, and frankly I was happy to, as the lessons were a bit of a drag, and I didn't really want to do them. I also didn't really practise all that much for them.

Now I am an adult, I am trying to pick up music again. I have tried the guitar, and played it here and there over the course of the last few years. I got the mandolin last Christmas, and am playing it much more - though still not as much as I would like. I am busy with many things, though, so that is fine. I also want to start playing the violin again, and maybe take lessons, too. I don't imagine I will ever be world class in either of these two instruments, but I also would like to be about to play a few tunes here and there.

Weeknotes 2025-W26

Mon, 30 Jun 2025 00:00:00 +0000

once?

(In fact, a little bit early! I'm writing the notes up to Saturday... on Saturday. Mainly as I haven't been consistent about writing diary entries and I don't want to forget.)

Monday

Work stress still wrenching my heart like a wrench wrenching my heart, I felt generally horrific. I mainly did menial jobs, like washing up, etc. today, though did book myself to see Chris Thile in November - that will be fantastic!

I mulled over holidays, and think it will be Berlin on 02.10 to 05.10 to go see La Triviata, as well as one of Italy, France, or Norway, unsure on the exact date.

I also made banana bread.

Tuesday

I shaved before work, to sort out my unkempt-growing facial hair, and ate a terrible, UPF pizza after work, alongside falafels and the last of the banana bread.

Wednesday

Work was work, and in the evening I went to the mixer, after having a pizza at Berbere Pizza (Clapham Common). The mixer was... ok.

Thursday

We had a work do today, which was... fine in terms of tasks, but I am not a great fan of adventure hunts really. The barbeque food was really quite good, and I ate two plates full.

We drank and chatted for quite a while, which was very fun. I was drinking cider in whatever form the while night. After a while, we went to a bar/club, and I got to demonstrate my horrific dancing. The great thing about having zero inhibitions whatever is that, even though I can't dance at all, I still get to have a great time doing it.

We ended up missing the last train, and unfortunately not living in London, it is not possible to get a taxi or Uber back, so me and another were out the whole night. We went to a club, danced the night away, met a few people, ended up in Clapham with them, and then left to come back at 05.20. I was back home by 07.40 on Friday.

Friday

After getting back home, I showered and sorted myself out, and started work at home at 08.30. I left to go into London at lunchtime, had a falafel wrap for lunch, and left work at five. I essentially got home, and slept until the next morning.

Saturday

Waking up at 05.15 and staying in bed until half seven, I watered the garden a bit, and wrote weeknotes...

Sunday

Went to the allotment to water and plant out some leeks, went to the cafe to read 1Q84 (finished the first book of three), added two more shelves worth of books into my Toshokan project (that I aim to use for tracking my books and reading - still a wip but can hopefully do the /reading page from it in time), and ironed my shirts.

Also was listening to a lot of Jovano Jovanke, and Hasapikos Politikos as well as other folk songs on the mandolin. Great music and I really want to learn them!

Weeknote 2025-W37

Mon, 15 Sep 2025 00:00:00 +0000

Monday
I did a fair bit of clearing out and tidying, went to the gym in the morning, but also did waste a fair bit of time on my phone.

Tuesday

I went to the allotment in the evening. It doesn't look very impressive, but it is not in as dire a shape as I would have thought given I haven't been in a few weeks. Got some tomatoes out of it at least.

I had a bar of chocolate at lunch, and also sampled some falafels (they were not very nice) so my calories were a bit high. The chocolate gave me inflammation as sugar is wont to.

Wednesday

I chatted to my mother, and then went for a swim in the evening.

Thursday

I was surprisingly happy on this Thursday! Very giggly for some reason.

I granted myself a falafel wrap at lunch for a bit of happiness (but again: many calories) and sat and read.

Friday

I went to the gym in the morning and ... possibly saw my friend in the evening though I can't remember!

Saturday

We had the Chicken Rush event in London. It was quite good - the actual event was so-so and I was a bit inhibited (I don't do well in these kind of team things) but the mingling after was very fun. I chatted to one girl who was not my type but absolutely lovely, and a man who was in a band (he told me the band - I still need to listen to the music) and we swapped numbers to possibly jam or something. I want to meet more musical people!

We went out clubbing after - me, the very lovely girl, and one other guy. I thought he was just a bit much at first, but towards the end of the night I had to be very cautious with him around her, as he had got feelings for her and didn't seem to understand consent (she was very drunk and not confident around him, but was telling me she didn't enjoy what he was doing) so I had to mediate and stop anything bad happening. At the end I had to essentially physically stop him getting in the taxi home with her.

Sunday

I got back at some eight in the morning after wandering around London for the rest of the night, slept for four hours, but generally did not do much, though I did go to a cafe to grab some tea and cake (again, calories...). In the evening I did some more mandolin work, trying to learn music reading.

Screentime

This week had a total screentime of 26h, which is an improvement on last week that saw 35h. I still need to try get it even lower, though.

Steps

Across the week I walked 71825 steps according to the step tracker. That is a daily average of 10,260 and apparently amounts to 36 km, and 2228 kcal burnt. I doubt the figures are that accurate, but still. It's not too bad!

Sunday really brought up my average, as I walked about London during the night so in total had 22,689 steps on that day.

It's also worth pointing out that the step tracker seems to count cycling as steps too, so some of those steps were actually ridden by bike. It doesn't count it as so much though, so probably in terms of calories equivalents it works out. Not sure.

Reading

I have still been reading The Gift. At this point the cover has fallen off, so I am using it as a bookmark. By the end of the week I am now at page 228, so I have read 102 pages. The font is very small and Nabokov's writing requires focus to read, so that's decent progress I suppose.

M05 study update

I did not study once during the week.

Languages

Italian

I made no progress whatsoever with this - still 53 pages in.

German

See above.

Finnish

See above.

Music

Mandolin

I practised a little bit, and finished annotating Fugues just for fun with the notes and finger positions. I'm trying to gradually improve my music reading.

I played a bit of Losing my Religion but not a great deal. I will be performing it (albeit privately!) next week! Also played some Norwegian Wood with my mother, again to practise ahead of next week.

Violin

I have not practised violin at all this week.

Health

Exercise

I went to the gym twice as usual. As for swimming, I only went once this week.

Weight and diet

(The figures here are going to be a bit inaccurate as a lot of it was guesswork - still should be a good rough estimate.)

My current weight is around xx st xx lb. My approximate maintenance calories would be 2282 kcal per day.

My total calories for the week were 15,026 kcal (2,146 kcal daily average). This is a deficit of 135 kcal daily, resulting in likely weight loss of 0.27 lbs based on maintenance calories.

My average daily protein intake was 77 g, which amounts to 0.48 g per lb of body weight, and roughly 0.64 g per lb based on estimated lean mass.

So, calories were rather high and protein low. This is a result of two bad days, firstly, the Tuesday where I had a full bar of chocolate (500 kcal of essentially sugar), which in turn actually gave me inflammation and a coldsore. The Thursday I also had a decent bit of sugar, and the Saturday saw probably some 1500 kcal of alcohol. This is to be expected, but of course does mean that I am not going to be losing my weight this week.

I have stagnated a bit in terms of weight though.

Weeknotes 2025-W32

Sun, 17 Aug 2025 00:00:00 +0000

(Written almost a full week late!)

I wrote fairly consistently in the Hobonichi journal this week.

Monday

Mostly, I worked, did my washing, and listened to podcasts in the evening from Modern Wisdom on charisma, I think.

Tuesday

I won £100 on the premium bonds! Still, it's not working out above what the interest on a normal account would be.

Work was very tedious.

Wednesday

I had to do some work on the train, then had dinner at an Italian called Eco in Clapham. I sat in the park by Clapham Common for a bit then went to the singles mixer. I met two guys who gave me their number, and had a few enjoyable chats with women too, but again found no women whose number I wanted.

Thursday

Did some watering in the morning, went to work, and then had to continue work in the evening too.

Friday

Cooked some nice lunch (a curry), worked on the train, worked at the office, then in the evening it was a stag do for my boss and one other person at work, who are both getting married at the same time (to different people).

I missed my last train back, so just walked about London along the river, grabbed some food, and eventually slept for an hour and a bit by the river.

Saturday

I slept essentially the entire day, because I needed to catch up on sleep from the Friday. I did end up waking up about five, made dinner, and tidied my room at nine at night.

Sunday

... I don't have notes on what I did, but I believe I must have gone for my usual walk to get eggs, as well as harvesting a lot of elderberries in order to make jam.

Stats

I want to incorporate a few stats into these weeknotes. They can help me to track if I am on point or not.

Screentime (on the phone) is the first of these. Since I got the new phone, it has been far too high. This week it was 28h, or 16.6% of the entire week!

Not good.

Consumption

Thu, 16 Jan 2025 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 71 of #100DaysToOffload)

It is strange how disproportionate the acts of creating and of consuming are.

With food for instance, where the metaphor comes from, the production of food requires the sowing of seed, possibly transplanting of young plants (like leeks, though I imagine it's possible to sow them in situ), then regular maintenance for pests or disease (like rust, in the case of a leek), as well as watering, for about half the year, until finally it is ready for harvest.

Then, what does it take to eat a leek? Cut it up, chuck it in a soup, have it for dinner. Easy!

In terms of media, it is similar. A Youtube video takes a good amount of time to produce often, with a day or more of editing, as well as research, etc. A book takes years to write, with each word, sentence, slaved over. Every metaphor, joke, call forward or call back, reference, pun, simile, metaphor, assonance, consonance, allusion, whatever, has been meticulously crafted. I wouldn't even know how to write in that manner. A couple days and the book is read.

In a song, each part has been worked over and over to make it sound good and go with the other instruments, and the lyrics need writing too! A typical song is over within five minutes.

Many of us consume passively: I am listening to music as I write, for instance. Many watch Netflix or TV as they work.

When trying to create, the sheer difficulty of the task becomes known. What sounds like not-very-much-at-all on the guitar, like a barre chord, can take months of practice. It takes full decades to get to a point that is clearly skilled. You may have committed years to a pursuit, and still look like a novice.

In our modern world, consumption is so easy; content, and media are so plentiful, so abundant. You can't get out of bed without ... well, how did the bed there? Case in point.

To produce is much more challenging; yet also much more rewarding.

Wasted Time

Tue, 07 Jan 2025 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 65 of #100DaysToOffload)

(Warning: this one is rambly and honestly should have been a wv)

Tonight, I have wasted a full hour. I spent it just thinking and relaxing, basically wasting the evening in bed.

I don't know whether that's bad or not. Is time spent non-productively a waste?

The same applies to other things. For instance, on Monday, I basically did nothing but work, and then see a friend in the evening. When I got to the end of it, I felt as if the day was wasted. Yet, surely it couldn't be right? I got my work done, and I saw a friend. Both of those things are valuable in themselves (well, the latter at least).

The problem was that yesterday counted for only one point in the way I essentially score the day. As a result, I deemed it a day not well spent, when in reality I did achieve in another sense.

Likewise, if I spend an hour relaxing, I have to have on my conscience the fact that I could be spending the time lifting weights, or playing guitar, or reading, or... anything that I've deemed as a filler of recreational time.

Even valid things to fill up my time with, like seeing friends, going on a night out, or even working late into the evening (all three of which are necessary for a healthy life - the lattermost maybe not, actually) are not counted by the system, and thus graded equivalently to doing nothing at all.

And in fact, so are many of the basic chores of life: tidying up, washing up, etc. My laundry is a task that I tick off (so makes me feel productive!) but apart from that, it's treated as assumed labour.

Then, there is the question of whether doing nothing is even so bad at all. Is it a sin to just sit and do nothing?

If reworded, sitting and doing nothing, or just sitting, becomes zazen, or zen, or meditation.

I suppose it would be healthy to say that, just as the odd sweet is acceptable as long as it is within your macro needs for the day, likewise idling in this way, or doing nothing, is completely fine as long as it does not inhibit the general progress towards goals. The problem is, all non-action is inherently action that inhibits my progress towards non-specific goals like become better at guitar. That goal has no clearly defined end (nor can it), so any time I don't spend on it, say if I'm tired, becomes wasted time. This is probably true.

Likewise, for things like study, or reading, I could always get them done quicker, or read three books in the month not two, etc. This at its extreme becomes hustle-culturish. Any time I am not progressing I am wasting.

I don't think that's a good solution to it either; it doesn't allow the kind of downtime that makes life pleasant. The argument I suppose is that downtime is something you have to earn: until I'm jacked, I must try consistently at the gym.

... Not sure. I suppose the problem is not even that - moreso, it is that I am beating myself up over it. Essentially, I choose my actions (all of them), so I either choose ones I want or choose ones I don't. If I choose a course of action (like relaxing for an hour, instead of doing guitar, exercise, etc.) then that is because one part of me (call it the actor) that determines what I do desires a given course of action, and another (call it the evaluator) desires another. This internal conflict results in a negative feeling (from the evaluator, which presumably is the sit of reason) due to the conflict of desires, or really because the evaluator doesn't get what is desired.

Maybe happiness is somewhat about aligning the actor and the evaluator. For instance, take a typical vice like smoking. It isn't actually a problem in the early days when there is a haze (smoke) over the mind, that considers it an acceptable action. The same applies really to all vices. At a given point, the actor begins to either take such extremes as the evaluator deems excessive, or the evaluator, in response to new knowledge or maturation of certain ideas, begins to dislike the actions taken by the actor. Ok, so these are separated (pseudopsychology - a field in and of itself pseudoscientific) (also, I imagine this is already an idea in psychology and it's just called with different terms), what use does it have as a concept?

Well, I suppose, for happiness, the goal is the align the actor and the evaluator. This I suppose either could happen through the evaluator conceding ground to the actor, or vice versa, or some compromise being reached. Within this Ive-just-made-it-up-and-its-a-load-of-bollocks framework, I don't really know which of the actor and the evaluator would be the one to reason about what decision to take (presumably the evaluator). If this were the case, would it not always come to a decision that benefits itself? For instance, taking the example of a vice, it would always decide against performing the vice. Yet, this naturally doesn't happen always, so there must be some force the actor exerts that allows the vice to cling on. Perhaps, the evaluator has simply not evaluated any vice that persists yet to that degree, and so the act persists.

Yet, it is the case often that it takes a long time of saying I'm going to quit, I want to quit, and a long time of relapsing etc., for many vices, before eventually something clicks that allows the quitting to become perpetual, or until some stressor.

Not a clue. I feel as though there is something in this, though. In a vice, typically, the body acts against the recommendations of the mind. Likewise, in the case of a discrepancy, there is a desire to do X, yet the body does not comply. These are the two halves (action and inaction) of the same separation. In both situations, the evaluator (and I) feel distress, because the actor does not comply with desires. Perhaps in the case of the evaluator, it only sort of wishes for a thing to happen, but doesn't necessarily "tell" the actor, sort of like an immature man does with a cute girl at his office. The overcoming sensation (we've all felt it: forcing oneself to do something, despite a resistance from the body) is the telling of the actor by the evaluator. A theorem of self-love: for self-improvement, there must be a degree of honesty, as between lovers, of the desires of the one regarding the other. (I could even, maybe, draw parallels between the actor as the effective, though oft misguided, male aspect, and the more passive, pensive evaluator as the female..., though I'm not sure how well they would hold up. Perhaps call it yin and yang instead, though nor do I know whether that is a particularly good parallel either.)

Sounds fancy, not sure it actually means anything. In essence, though, it brings perhaps a sort of symmetry to the affairs of love and to self-improvement, which is more or less a form of self-love: in desiring what is best for one, a given course of action is pursued.

And, like, what does it actually mean, like?

Because it's a bit hokey at the moment.

Essentially, I cannot think it would mean anything else than, like how a lover must confess their feelings to achieve what they want, I must force myself to partake in a course of action. There is however to consider whether what the evaluator espouses is necessarily always correct, or rather, to borrow from The Beatles, Did she understand it when they said that a man must break his back to earn his day of leisure; will she still believe it when he's dead?

When viewing a parallel like this (between sex and the machinations of the mind) it inclines me to wonder to what extent any or all things can be viewed through this lens. Well, it's in essence a binary, so anything that is divisible (probably everything, even quarks and leptons) could be divided in this way.

And I still haven't answered the question. Is the actor or the evaluator in the right. I don't know, and I've squandered 1400 words on this already. Off to bed.

Dating apps

Mon, 28 Apr 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I decided last night that I'd might as well give dating apps a proper try, after booking a mixer with the company "Bored of Dating Apps". I figure, if I am going to go there, I'd might as well actually give dating apps a try, much as I hate the idea.

So, I've set up a profile on Hinge today. It's the least hookup-y one I know of. I have no idea if my profile is any good nor do I exactly care, at least not for the moment. Frankly, it was a struggle to even find six pictures because I essentially never take any (not of myself, at least).

Now, I've done a little bit of the swiping stuff. Not a great deal, because the problem I am having is that after two or three girls (and, I really don't like how objectified that use of the word is) I just feel I can't get into it, and stop.

As in, all of the girls there are attractive. They are fully made up and have all the witty prompts you're supposed to have, and all that. Yet, I just feel like every single one is angling for it. Now, of course they are: that is the entire point of the platform, but the problem is that I'm not really attracted to that. So I see a few girls with too much cleavage or made up and posing, pouting etc. and I sort of lose interest. I think so far I "swiped right" (liked, to use this platform's terminology) on one girl, who if I am honest I was not even that attracted to outside of looks.

As I've gone along the girls have got noticeably less visually captivating, but I still am not finding them attractive. Maybe it's just a mood thing, and I will get used to it in time; for now, I just really don't find this "look at me, aren't I so attractive" very appealing, and everybody seems to be like that. Probably, I even seem like that too.

I think I will "power through", and try to send more likes to girls and see if it can go from there. Of course, I'm going to stuck at the swiping stage (ugh) forever if I don't actually start sending out likes. This means almost giving up on how I actually feel, and pretending to myself just a little bit that foul is fair, because it will bring me onto the next stage of chatting, and then that will bring me onto dates which will probably actually be enjoyable.

Sigh. I'll stick with it for a few months (if I can) and see how it goes. I think I'll figure out the things like 'should I be more superficial and factor looks in or should I try to repress that side of it'. Basically, maybe it'll stop being quite so painful with time. Will update.

Search engines

Fri, 18 Apr 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I'm thinking I'm going to stop using search engines.

We all have our complaints about search engines. The biggest one is that they tend to only show SEO content (top X Y to Z in CURRENTYEAR) and recently a lot of AI content too. There is little in the way of personal websites and the like there.

I also realise that I don't have any kind of collection of sites that I visit or have visited, like bookmarks. For instance, I have been trying to find a good blog I came across a while (years) ago on Wordpress, which had showcases of flowers that were cool. I can't find it anymore, because I didn't keep a track of it anywhere.

As a result, I've banned search engines. I've put them into my /etc/hosts files on all of my systems (even my phone, thank the Lord for adb root) so I now cannot access them at all. That's all of them, not just the bad ones like Google but even Brave search and Duckduckgo and Startpage, etc.

I'm going to also put together a portal page on my site, which I can use for my own purposes to find and save down any sites that I find interesting, or that I commonly need or use.

Apart from that, I'll need to learn to stop with the middle man. If I want to look something up on Wikipedia, I will go to https://wikipedia.org and search it there. Likewise, if I need to look up a plant, I can go to https://rhs.org.uk and search it there directly.

Let see how this goes!

Really, this is just another step in my moving away from the internet. I know it makes me unhappy, and often doesn't benefit me. So, I can move closer and closer to the web of old, and the web that brings joy, not frustration.

Re: A Call for Unity

Tue, 25 Feb 2025 00:00:00 +0000

This is a response to Jason Self's Call for Unity in the free software community.

... It's a good idea. I think though, the problem is that a lot of the free software fountain does disagree on quite fundamental issues. The main, and obvious one, would be the distinction between copyleft and permissive licenses. Should we use licenses like MIT, which permits corporations to appropriate the unpaid labour of developers (and generally, never actually pay them for the work they do), or should we use exclusively licenses like the GNU GPL, which are more restrictive, and so in a way almost go against the idea of free software - it is less common domain, and more a separate type of software altogether, with its own binding obligations on redistributors, modifications etc.?

There are further issues too, like how to get funding into the free software world. Having free software is good, and necessary, and the product is a net benefit for the world. The problem is, developers still need to eat, and developing free software doesn't pay. That is how we see the rise of variations like open-core. Relying on companies to financially support their dependencies doesn't work; relying on people to, out of the goodness in their hearts, donate to the projects they depend upon also doesn't. Somehow, people have to be cajoled into paying.

Meanwhile, the "enemy" has a very clear goal. They profit, actually profit, and by a lot too, from their way of doing things. Restricting user's freedoms is profitable. Planned obsolescence is profitable. Appropriation of labour is profitable. They can use the profits they make to do more of the same.

The free software movement has a problem: the system it is rooted in is financial in nature. You can cultivate the skills to build your own house, and that's all well and good. It doesn't pay the council tax, though.

Meanwhile, making millions from explotative practices, does pay the council tax - and it pays the legal fees at the same time.

The problem is one as old as time: power, and money. I don't think free software has the scope to address either of these issues. And as long as free software developers are powerless and poor, there will always be strife in the free software world.

Bologna: Eighth Day

Sat, 19 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000

It's been raining the entire day, so I've just stayed in the hotel. I've not done too much today, but it's my last day here anyways. In a way, I am sort of happy to come back; I think I would have actually liked to have come back a little time ago.

Still, it's been a lovely trip.

Natural Beauty

Mon, 21 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 18 of #100DaysToOffload)

Listening to たりないeye.

It's easy to feel as if there is an inherent beauty in the form of a girl, or in that of a scattered bedsheet, or in the light that trickles in from the window, or in the neatly places items adorning a tabletop. Meanwhile, those thousand feathers scattering the floor have no beauty. Too obvious, too forced. The girl atop them has beauty.

And yet, it's all forced in a way. All staged. All excessive. A scattered bedsheet has beauty in real life, but not to that degree...

Much fabrication seems to slip past our eyes if presented as natural, messy. It's easier to believe; it's enjoyable to believe; it's heavenly to believe.

So much so, that the real scattered sheet atop your own bed just doesn't cut it. Maybe it's the lighting.

Weeknotes 2025-W17

Mon, 28 Apr 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I actually have written diary entries for each of the days, so I can actually remember what I did!

I've been doing a fairly consistent (some exceptions) routine now of going to bed around nine or ten, and waking up at four. Now, I don't actually do what I intend to on most of the days (read, meditate, exercise) and tend to while the time away. Still, it's a step in the right direction. A better step in the direction would be to go to bed earlier so I feel more energetic to do things in the morning.

Monday

Bank holiday Monday. I didn't do a great deal, apart from some garden work, made some pea and rosemary risotto for the week (with rosemary from the allotment, plus a bit of thyme too) and read the first paragraph of Poemander.

Tuesday

I got up at four, read some Sri Isopanisad, and did a laughable amount of exercise. I studied IF2 on the train to work, met someone from the temple at lunch, and had falafel with him. I didn't do much of worth in the evening.

Wednesday

In the morning, I did my reading but not the exercise. I read some Death and Life of Great American Cities, which is fantastic, and played some mando(lin) and vio(lin) in the evening. I am not good at all on the violin, in fact I can't even play a single non-open note, but I do want to get better at it. I'm floating the idea in my head of getting lessons for it.

Thursday

For the morning, I slept on until 05.30.

I sat in Olav's church at lunch to eat, and could hear violin as I was eating. So I went into the church and caught the end of one Quartet Concrete rehearsing. There was a recital at one, but I missed it as I had to go back into the office. Still, through it I discovered a couple of new venues I can go to in the future (next week, actually) so that's good!

Friday

I found out I failed my RHS exam that I sat back in February. No bother, I'll take the free resit they are offering in June, and just actually study for it this time.

I booked in a few shows for myself, felt a bit depressed that Avi Avital is playing on the 15th but I've already got a booking to see Romeo and Juliet on that day, then saw my mate in the evening.

Saturday

I got up, slept awhile, wrote up some Latin (I'm trying to write more Latin, with the eventual goal that I can write my journal in it - long way away yet) then went to the cafe and did some reading and IF2 study.

I did a fair bit of gardening, scattering Tropaeolum majus (nasturtium) and Helianthus annuus (sunflower) aabout the garden, and potted up some berries that have been a little neglected for... a good year at this point.

I also bought two Vaccinum corymbosum (blueberry) plants from the Range and will plant them out or pot them up as soon as I've also bought ericaceous compost.

Sunday

I got up very late, and then went to the allotment with my dad. He did a lot of clearing up, and I sowed some seed about. Returning home, I played some more mando, considered whether I should take up ashtanga and violin classes some more (I think the answer is, yes, but maybe in a month or so when I've got less I need to do, like when I've finished IF2), then we visited my nan for dinner.

I booked a mixer event at the end of May, and decided I would try out Hinge. My initial impressions aren't over-positive.

Overall

A good day and a bit of orienting myself again. I tend to do that a lot. Next week will have a lot of days out (as will all of May) but especially, I can focus on mando, vio if I can, and try my best to do more exercise in the morning. That'll make me content if I do.

And of course, next week I will be doing the "swiping" each day. Yaaaaaay.

Forgotten Concerns

Mon, 28 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 24 of #100DaysToOffload)

I went to the dentist today, and ended up with the joy of £26 pound spent and a further £78 when I go back because I'm going to have to get a filling.

I realise though that I have pretty much forgotten my teeth. I do clean my teeth once or twice a day, but... that's it! I don't really focus on my teeth at all.

It makes me think about different concerns in life. I have been focussing on my physical health (muscles, fat...), diet, gym, ... but have not at all paid any attention at all to my teeth. I assumed that what I was already doing would be enough.

How many things am I neglecting in my life, I wonder? What have I neglected that I can never regain? When will I find out that I've neglected it? Are there things I have neglected, and that I will never realise I've neglected? Or, not until it's too late?

Very depressing! Here's a cute picture of baby red setter to cheer you up.

Creating a vademecum

Fri, 17 Oct 2025 00:00:00 +0000

In a book, Fictions, by Jorge Luis Borges, the word vademecum is used. I had not heard this word before. It comes from the Latin vade mecum, meaning come with me.

The word means something like a handbook or manual, but I am thinking of it as something more like a place to store all of the information I might reasonably need.

In essence: something to replace the internet.

See, I engage very wastefully with the internet. I think many of us do. I will search something, forget it, and then search it again. If I need directions, I will use maps online to try find where to go.

Yet, a lot of this is information I should already have to hand. I go on the tubes in London a lot, for instance; I shouldn't need to have to relook up which line Tottenham Court Road or Notting Hill Gate is on each time I ride the tube. This is information that I should have on my person. In a vademecum.

This is somewhat similar, I think, to a commonplace book. I think people use commonplaces more for writing quotations and other things that are spiritually helpful, and which are read; I want things that are concretely helpful.

I want a place to write down how to tie a tie, or that have the Latin declensions and conjugations, or the stops along the Central line. I want a place to write down interesting new words I read, and a place to write down the common chords on a mandolin or guitar. I want a place to write down translations of words in Italian, or German, or Japanese, and a place to write phone numbers and e-mail addresses of friends and family and establishments.

Basically, a way to no longer need to use the internet quite so much. A place to store the information that I use very often.

Will it replace the internet? Of course not! For instance, if I need to look up new words, I will use the internet for that; once I've found it, however, it will go into the vademecum, and then I will have it on my person whenever wherever.

In a sense, this is perhaps similar to a compendium. I suppose compendia are more about specific topics; this is used for general day-to-day knowledge and is not for learning a given subject.

I've ordered a new Leuchtturm notebook, which I found very good last time I used one. I will use this for creating my vademecum, and hopefully it can be another step in moving away from the internet, if only a little bit.

Being by way of being

Mon, 21 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 17 of #100DaysToOffload)

It seems to me a lot of the mental fiction humans indulge in, to the extent of treating it as truth (science!) is... I don't want to say recursively defined, but rather exists by way of itself. Think placebo: thinking the existence is the existence.

Sorrow becomes depression when thought to that extent. Laziness yields inaction, yields laziness, yields...

I'm socially awkward because I think instead of talking. If I just stopped...

It's difficult that so much of life can be treated with just a: stop! Just stop being sad, just stop fretting, just stop being addicted, just stop...

The trouble is, the advice is good. And yet, it's so difficult to perform that break. To surpass that barrier. To just stop, or just start.

Spirals go both up and down.

Re: you’ve been traumatized into hating reading

Thu, 30 Jan 2025 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 82 of 100DaysToOffload)

This is a... not quite response, but some additional comments I wrote down when reading this work by Ismatu Gwendolyn. I have copied this up from my notebook.

... books as a means to truly understand. A takeaway: if you can remember the substance of a book you read two years ago, how not a video?

I would imagine it comes down to meditative practice. The book is read and meditated upon over at least several days, and so sticks in the mind. A short video, re-watched to that extent, can also stick. I have now heard Losing my Religion so oft it sticks well.

Video is not inherently bad, rather, a lack of focused meditation on the art is. If I observe a painting for five seconds, it won't stick. IF I do it for an hour, it shall.

A screen does in a way detract from focused meditation: it is fashioned in a way to distract. Naturally of course this can be circumvented to some degree, but it is harder, requiring partly (in-)action of the user, and amending the default. The book is by default a tool for meditation.

(the rest is rambling)

... This reminds. I'm not sure on whether to do one thing at a time, or multiple. To do only one allows focus on the thing itself. I would say, when reading, it ought consume and occupy the mind entirely, and no allowance be made for anything else. This (as in the above read essay) requires exertion; a screen extracts such by default.

Yet, for example, when weight-training, little focus needs to be placed on the motion: it is hardly cognitively challenging. To put some podcast, or sermonic speech, on in the background (as throwaway media) or not?

A blog as a series of collected thoughts

Wed, 23 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 20 of #100DaysToOffload)

What is, fundamentally, a blog?

Many writers write for a moral message; each blog entry has a pith of sorts; many are writing about what they did in their day. Some may journal. Some may provide advice. Some may give alternate ways of looking at an issue. Some may provide science communication.

I suppose, a blog might be a collection of thoughts, which together describe the person.

Each blog giving some anecdote, or description of way of thinking, is a description of the moral philosophy of the author. These can be short, as the sum of it all is in the entire history.

This can be in the actions that a person takes during their day, or describes in weeknotes or /now or the sort, or drawn out of the advice they give, the moral philosophy they espouse.

Fundamentally, reading blogs is a way to get to know someone, without acquaintanceship: knowing the manner of thought of a person, instead of conversationally, socially.

Obviously simple

Thu, 06 Feb 2025 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 91 of 100DaysToOffload, and my second post today about chocolate)

I've had probably too much of the Tony's Chocolate today. Well, it feels that way, I've had about four chunks, when it's meant to last me a month.

The taste of the chocolate called "dark almond sea salt 51%", is a chocolate that tastes quite dark/strong, and then, as the flavour washes away, leaves you with a superb salt flavour at the end. It also has some almonds in it.

I really appreciate how obvious it is as a chocolate. Some of the old Moser Roth's just taste sort of "unclear", as if they have the flavour but you don't know how the flavours get there. With this chocolate, you get something far more simple. A taste of chocolate, then a taste of salt. Some bits of almond mixed in. It's obvious how it works, it's obvious what it's made of. It's not too heavily mixed, but feels like its manufactured in a more human, less industrial way, I suppose. It feels like something a local chocolateer, or even a neighbour or grandmother, could make; not something that's come off of a conveyer belt.

It's really good chocolate!

Careless caring

Sun, 05 Jan 2025 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 64 of #100DaysToOffload)

So far in my life (in regard to social situations) I think I've been in a state of carelessly caring. As in, caring about perception, or ramifications of my actions, or something like that. I'm not talking about caring as in, well, you shouldn't care what other people think of you, so why not just murder that guy that annoys you?. I mean, caring as in, not asking out a girl because you are embarrassed of being rejected, or that it might make things awkward.

I know, and have known, for a very long time, that I shouldn't really care about that kind of stuff. I shouldn't care what other people really think about me. I shouldn't get shy in social situations, or not say something I want to say because I worry if it will make me look bad. It relates to the idea of disinhibition (which it dawns on me now I still haven't written a blog post on) that I had: that a large part of my social issues (which I call social malaise) relates to an inability to disinhibit; hence why I can easily talk when drunk (and generally have a character I can quite like), because I am able to disinhibit. I care, and so I inhibit. Or, I want to avoid a difficult situation, and so I bring about an even more difficult situation by not just sorting it out quickly, and taking the initial awkward step.

As an example, I had a crush (yes, at the age of 21/22!) on a girl at work. I would often inhibit around her; I wouldn't say much, or it would just be small talk. I would never seek out her company. Whenever I saw her, I would get flustered and red as a result and not manage very well. I remember at one point I was walking back to the station with her from Eastcheap Records, and she grabbed my arm in a playful way. I fumbled, and ended up saying something awkward (I can't remember what); she let go of my arm. She told me she was the same age as me, and I (idiot that I am) said oh I thought you were a bit older (because I thought she was maybe 25, thinking she would have gone to uni and then worked a couple years) and she was a little bit offended and went what, do you think I'm thirty or something?. Basically, I badly messed up a really good opportunity to chat to her, potentially try get her number. Even divulging that feels awkward to do on a public blog, but if I'm saying I want to disinhibit...

Actually, even at certain times, I would make to go to the kitchen (to refill my drink etc.) and I would see her go in there, so I would just sit back down to avoid the awkward conversation (especially if there was somebody else also there).

I essentially wasted a lot of time in thinking about her, worrying, not fully being able to just chat and enjoy my time, my life, around her. In not asking her out (which she probably would have rejected anyways) I potentially missed out on the experience of a relationship (which, in hindsight, probably wouldn't really have worked. Still, it would have been desirable precisely because it wouldn't work, in that it would have been a good learning experience), and so on and so on.

I think the key for me going forward is to be less shy, less inhibited. If I say something and it turns out I shouldn't have, I can apologise. I can learn for next time. But a lot of the things I don't say because of inhibition are not really problematic at all. It's not an issue to just ask for a number at the end of a night out, for instance. I need to have a bit more confidence in myself, that I'm not seen as an imposition or an undesirable that has tagged along: I am, provided I actually do disinhibit, valued for myself. It's ultimately maybe tied in with a self-esteem thing, too, then.

(Not sure I really should be publicly self-therapising. Hey ho. I've already written 118k words on the topic in wv, why not add a few more?)

Weeknotes 2024-W40

Sun, 06 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000

This is entry 6 of 100 for #100DaysToOffload, and my weeknotes for the week 2024-09-30 to 2024-10-06.

My second weeknotes. It's been a decent week, although my mood has been down at times.

100DaysToOffload

I've made a good start on this - as above, I've written five entries on my blog this week, plus the one weeknotes from last week. Three of these are actually about something: an obligatory post about Linux (and why I use it), and a post on intermediation and on going too far, too soon with new technology. The writing on the blog is certainly shorter, but also slightly better quality than on my wordvomits, which is good. I'll try to improve my writing over time, too.

Writing

I've actually written quite a lot. I've written six wvs, and three poems along my blog writing. You can tell what my mood has been like based on the poems alone... A tad low, yet not really in a depressive way. More just a little languid at times, or low I suppose. I think it is because my sleep has not been great.

I'll hopefully keep this up next week! (the writing I mean, not the languor)

#Inktober

I've kept up with Inktober (I'm not going to post the images yet... they're terrible!) but have mostly just drawn in pencil as opposed to actually inking, because I need to practise just the act of drawing/sketching first. I might add a section on the website for them at some point. I have though missed days and then needed to do two in a single day a couple times. Mostly my own fault as I get drawn in too much by programming problems I've having writing jezup in Zig and constantly getting out-of-bounds panics. I'm going to catch up today and will try not to have this problem going forward.

Gym

I... haven't been at all this week. So, I need to go tomorrow and pick up the habit to make sure it doesn't slip.

Opera

I went to see Eugene Onegin at the Royal Opera House this Wednesday, and honestly, it was amazing. I think I might end up getting into the opera a bit. It can be pricey though... The ticket we got was "cheap" at only £53, and was high up in the amphitheatre, but still offered a really good view.

I've since been suggested a few other things to watch, so I'll try see what I can find and go a bit more often!

Italy... soon

I am honestly a little nervous about going to Italy next week. I still have to get some things sorted out for it (make sure all the right clothes are washed, print out tickets, make sure I've got my passport) but then I'm a bit worried say, I won't know my way around the airport, or the bus will be late, or I'll go to the wrong bus stop, or things like that. I suppose it will be just fine, it always is, it just feels scary in a way, possibly because it's the first time I've been abroad in so long, and the first time on my own...

Next week...

For next week, I just want to go the gym a little more, and then do all I can with the time I've got. I'll have a haircut (my hair is very long and messy, though doesn't look too bad if I leave it down) to tidy up my fringe and beard (I need to start actually shaving a bit more). I don't have anything planned for next week really in terms of things to do and see, but I will try get something put in for when I get back...

I'll also need to pick up study for LM2 a little: I need to sit the exam at the end of this month really otherwise it'll never get done...

That's all! Have a good o- hold on, this isn't wv! See you next week! :)

Hobbies, and conversation

Thu, 26 Dec 2024 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 54 of #100DaysToOffload)

I've been speed-dating the past month or two. I've only been a couple of times, yet the conversation always seems to end up the same way each time. I ask, or I am asked by the other person, either a) what I do for work, or b) what I have for hobbies. The usual "so, what do you do in your spare time?", smalltalk.

The job thing I can... sort of answer. I just say what I do for work, and it never really goes anywhere because my job is not all that interesting. Yet, hobbies sort of is more difficult for me.

Now, I certainly do have hobbies. The problem is, all of them require, in my eyes, some form of qualification. For instance, I like languages. I learnt German starting at about eleven, then began Norwegian and Polish, then started to learn Japanese. At present, I want to learn Italian. Yet, if I'm asked that and I can't really qualify so much, and say that, though it still something I value, I am not really focussing on it at the moment, and that I'm focussing more on my study, or guitar, and I got mandolin recently and I'm focussing on that, but I'm still not very good at them, and... and...

I'm actually not sure at all what I say in this situation. I settled on the themes as a way to have things that I can clearly state as my hobbies. I can say, I'm taking up playing guitar, and mandolin, as my hobby, which gives me a quick thing to say that starts conversation and I can continue from there with any necessary disclaimers, etc.

Do I even need to be totally honest?

Really, the reason why I want to have an optimal answer is that I don't want to lie. I want the optimal answer that discloses as much as possible without lying to my interlocutor. But does it really matter if I lie a little bit?

I suppose, in the context of speed dating, I will later make true on my lie by being able to talk to the person more (if things pan out) or if they don't I tell a lie that is "inert", as in, it doesn't really matter if I lie a little to someone who I'll never see again. Also, I need to remember that "I play guitar" is not really a lie, it's the truth; I'm just not very good at guitar.

Social malaise

I wrote about social malaise in my blog post about next year, as well as in wv 0096. Social malaise is the name I give to what amounts to social anxiety, or just good old awkwardness, clumsiness around people. Perhaps this is all just another instance of this, where I am overthinking whether I should be too honest, or what I can say to people when I get asked questions. I probably shouldn't overthink it.

To conclude...

I'm probably overthinking it. The blog was spurred on by seeing a video that people feel nowadays they can't speak so much about their interests, and I am of course struggling, not exactly with feeling like I can, but not being sure how best to express my interests (without rambling or over-qualifying).

50 in 50: What is my relationship with my phone?

Sat, 10 May 2025 00:00:00 +0000

It's a bit odd that we speak of having a relationship with a phone. It is a clear sign of how entangled we typically are with them.

I really do not like the phone. I give a three letter name to all my systems: for instance, my computer at home is 'sah', or 'stuck at home'. The laptop I am currently writing this on often gets taken on the train, hence the name 'otg', or 'on the go'. My phone is called 'aos': agent of sin.

Now, a lot of the things that make it an agent of sin have been cleared away. I have installed a custom ROM and made accessing the internet very difficult: search engines and various sites are all blocked through /system/etc/hosts, and so I can't really do anything bad with that. I don't have social media either, but even if I wanted to I can't because it is blocked too. My screen time on it is not generally that bad, nowadays at most an hour or two and generally far less. I also don't tend to have access to the internet (at least, I don't buy data unless I really need it for something, and am otherwise on pay-as-you-go making internet access difficult).

Still, I dislike it.

I dislike the form factor: it is very annoying to do just about anything on the phone.

I dislike how, even still, it is addicting. I can access blogs, and the like, and find I tend to waste lunchtimes at work just reading blogs. Well, not waste exactly as it's still something good, but I can tell I'm doing it in that unconscious, brainrotted way that people interact with social media with.

The phone depresses me, generally.

I do want to be shot of it, the problem being that I do need it for certain things - I talk to people through it, I keep in touch with friends. So, I am stuck with it.

I don't ever get a new one though. I got my last new phone in 2018, which was an S9+. I've kept it ever since - for seven years now. It still works, still does the job, and I will keep it until it's completely destroyed. Once it is, I will have to figure out whether I get another cheap old phone (like a Oneplus) or, whether I just switch to a dumbphone. I can't realistically go without, unfortunately.

I'm not sure what the future will hold for the phone. In a way, it is very useful. At the same time, I don't enjoy having it with me. I think it is one of those unfortunate things that must be managed, every single day. I have to manage my use of it to be only those things that are worthwhile, and try to stop it from taking over my life too much.

Weeknotes 2025-W03

Sun, 19 Jan 2025 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 74 of 100DaysToOffload, and my weeknotes for the week 2025-01-13 to 2025-01-19)

Summary

Decent week in all, but of course the main thing that takes up too much of my time is work.

Monday

My mum noticed I have gotten somewhat of arrhythmias over the weekend, so I called up the GP to book an appointment for next week. Just to check up and make sure all is ok. (Later in the week it's resumed to normal, though I still kept getting a tight chest. Not sure why - could be the excessive garlic I ate over the weekend, or stress.)

In the evening, I tried to change my guitar strings. I ended up breaking the G string (probably didn't give it enough slack), and when I tried to put the old G back on that broke too.

I made a butternut squash soup for work that was quite nice, with sweet potato and coconut milk in it.

Tuesday

As of Tuesday, I have officially completed my month of low phone use for 25 for 2025.

In the evening, I went to see La Boheme for the all under 25s Royal Opera House event. It was great fun. I took the train from Bank to Holborn, went to Bow Street, ate dinner at the Zizzis there (pizza, olives, bruschetta) and then went to the opera house. La Boheme is absolutely hilarious - I also didn't realise that it was where Quando m'en vo soletta comes from. Then the second half after the interval (I was chatting with some people about the cider, called Curious Cider, that they sell there - we were wondering what makes it so curious) was a lot more serious - I teared up at the end. Absolutely amazing, and I think the opera might just be something I really, really do like a lot.

Wednesday

I ended up rearranging my bedroom after work. I am not sure on the redesign, which has a strangely placed chest of drawers in the middle of the room, as a sort of separator between my bed and desk. Behind it, my instruments (guitar, mandolin, violin) are lined up against the wall, which I feel looks nice.

Thursday

Work.

Friday

I went for a decent walk in the morning, part on my own then circling back home to pick up my mum. From eight until half four I worked. I ate an excessive dinner, and met up virtually with a friend as is sort of custom on a Monday and Friday.

Saturday

I went to the cafe and studied, though frankly I didn't get much studying done. I did read a decent bit. I dug out the old blue guitar from the basement, but it needed restringing. I bought a quite nice suit-jacket, for only £7 from the charity shop, which I may wear somewhen (next opera house visit, perhaps).

Read, played mandolin. Went for a walk with mia madre.

Sunday

I planned this day in a certain day, but it didn't go strictly to plan. Still, I went for a walk to pick up the guitar strings (two sets). I caught up on a bit of work (ugh) too.

I sorted out my finances a little bit as well, went shopping too.

I restrung the blue guitar I dug up from the basement. The guitar sounds so good with new strings! I've got two sets of mandolin strings too, and I sort of want to try restring the mandolin too, but I'm not sure if it is too soon, or if it is even worth it. I know I'll need to restring before I perform, but also I would like to give it a try at least once to restring. I would like to keep on re-stringing regularly though, to eventually improve: at the moment, the head of the guitar looks a bit ugly. I need to get something to cut the strings, too.

50 in 50: Relationship with Social Media

Sat, 24 May 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I don't tend to use social media at all, and never really have. I used to use Reddit a little bit, because I didn't quite think of it as a social media. I would use it for mainly the r/linguistics and r/conlanging subreddits. It actually was fairly good - I didn't tend to interact much but whenever I did, it was to ask questions and actually learn about things.

I basically don't have many stories from it though, good or bad. I'm happy with that - social media has never really appealed to me.

I've gotten a couple of emails since starting the blog though, which is quite pleasant! I prefer that form of interaction than commenting on social media, etc. It feels less commodified.

50 in 50: What is my favourite food?

Mon, 19 May 2025 00:00:00 +0000

Such an easy question, and I really don't have a good answer...

One of my favourite meals to make is a sort of currystew. It basically involves chucking in a lot of veg (potato, sweet potato, onion, leek, swede, beans, lentils, chickpeas, ...) alongside stock, water, and some spices. The spices are not consistent: it's generally a fair bit of chilli and black pepper, but the rest is just whatever I have, generally turmeric, basil, coriander, maybe garam masala, etc.

But I don't actually enjoy the flavour incredibly, it's just a nice meal to make that's easy and sates me well.

In terms of my favourite foods, it would be some kind of dessert. I really like my nan's bread pudding - I tried to make it once and it turned out terribly. I swear she puts some kind of drug in it, it is delicious and incredibly addictive.

I also really like banana bread, that I can make with relative success. Plus, a simple mango, or pineapple, is really good too. Basically, I like sugar. That said, I don't tend to add too much sugar to my banana breads, but they are full of the stuff anyways just because of the bananas.

One more! I am a big fan of both Thai and Indian (as everybody?) and a really good one is appam from Indians: basically, a pancake with coconut milk. Yum.

(Coconut is another favourite of mine, and I have a lot of coconut milk etc.)

I just like food a lot, I think.

Over many years

Fri, 07 Feb 2025 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 92 of 100DaysToOffload)

Reading this post by Visa, which is granted a pretty old one, I had a thought.

When I got to a state of desiring yesterday - one of those "and I want to do this, and do that, and this as well, and be this kind of person" my thought was: for everything, make it gradual.

For instance, I thought: I want to have written more sonnets. So I set myself the goal of writing two sonnets this year. Well within reason. The idea that I had was, if I do two sonnets each year, by the time I am seventy-three, I'll have over one hundred. As a result, I can become that person who has written a lot of sonnets, but over a long time.

Likewise, I thought, I want to have a load of ice cream in the freezer. I want to be good at making ice cream. So, I thought, I could write up a list of ice creams to make, and then make them gradually over the months. After a year, I'll have a lot of different flavours of ice cream that I will never eat.

Silly examples. But the point is, I think it's best now to focus not on "I'm going to do a really good job now", but to think more futurously: think, do X (where X is small) over Y years consistently. The goal is not to be in the good state immediately, but to be in that good state after some time has elapsed.

It's sort of a way of trying to do good by my future self. I'll do just a few weights and press-ups each day, because it'll, over time, help me out. The goal isn't to be muscular and strong now, but to be muscular and strong in ten years. Most everything I do should be to set up my future self in a better state, and less to do good by my present self.

50 in 50: What is something you are passionate about and why?

Sun, 15 Jun 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I suppose something I always end up passionate about is language learning. I find it incredibly enjoyable as a hobby. When I was thirteen or so, I began to learn German, and can now speak it almost as if fluent. I began at the age of around fifteen to learn both Norwegian and Polish. I stopped both as I did not find them as enjoyable; I still know a decent bit of Norwegian and can understand odd words of Polish, ale teraz nie umiem mówić po polsku...

I started I think around seventeen, as a way to avoid having to study for my A-levels, to learn Japanese. I learnt it with focus for a good three years, and picked up a decent ability in it. I was able to read books (albeit with some difficulty) and knew a good few kanji. I stopped studying it after a while, and now, while I can still understand a good deal and read a bit, I am not able to speak it incredibly well. I still do love it as a language though; I think it is possibly the most beautiful language I can conceive of.

Recently, I've begun to learn Italian and Latin. Both are decently fun.

I'm not sure why I am passionate about language learning. Probably, it is because it is something I picked up as a teenager during my formative years. I just enjoy learning grammar, too, for exactly inflectional endings, etc. I have a bit of a predilection for agglutinative languages (like Japanese!) - I was actually also considering Turkish before I picked up Japanese, and think that Turkish honestly would be a language I would love to learn someday... Finnish too, and Mongolian, basically anything Altaic.

Weeknotes 2024-W43

Sun, 27 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000

This is entry 22 of #100DaysToOffload, and my weeknotes for the week 2024-10-20 to 2024-10-27.

It's been a fairly quite week, since I have been getting back in the flow of work (ever busy, and will be particularly busy for the next two weeks, as my boss has decided we can get a huge amount of work done on the project in two weeks + I've also been given several others things I need to do, on top of the outstanding tasks)... It never stops, does it, the work?

Happenings

Not much happened during the week, again it being quite busy from work. I did see a friend of mine online Monday evening, and went to the gym on Tuesday. The rest of the week was... work.

Over the weekend, I've been both Saturday and Sunday to the allotment. It was looking horribly messy, but hoeing it down it now is a lot better. Still some work to do on it, but pretty much I am going to put the garlic in (next month) and then pack up shop for the year. I've been given some lovely reddish purple beans (runner, iirc) by one of the fellow allotmenteers. He wants us to put entries into the competition.

I re-arranged my room Saturday. I've moved the bed back into the corner from where it was, which will hopefully stop it getting moved when I jump into it, and have separated it from the rest of the room with my chests of drawers. I can hopefully chuck plants on them as well to clearly mark out the "bedroom" and the "office" parts of the room a bit clearer. Just to stop me from working from bed so often!

Tonight (Sunday) we're eating out for a curry at a Keralan place! Looking forward to it.

Inktober

I'm about five days behind, but that'll be fine. I'll continue it into November for as many days as I need, and then just keep on trying to do it. I imagine I will have to begin learning techniques at some point.

Diet

I want to lose 22 pounds in 22 weeks (five or six months), to get me down to 10st 7lb. If I lose all of that from fat (not muscle) then I will be at about 15% body fat, which will be good for me. It'll solve the problem of me always thinking about my tubby stomach. I wonder if I should add a section to the website to track it...

In doing so, I will need to maintain a fairly high protein diet (rest can be fat, but try keep carbs to a minimum) and keep tracking it. I'm not going to count calories, but will just make sure all of my portion sizes are smaller (to keep a deficit) and make sure most of the calories are protein. Once carbs are out of the picture, I just need to lower the amount of oil I have, and hopefully that will be enough.

(And moderate what I eat, so I don't eat huge great meals at every mealtime. That will be difficult for me - I love food)

Future events...

I've booked in an evening to listen to Mozart music in a few weeks time. I also want to go try speed-dating this year... either in November or December.

I've booked in my LM2 exam for early December so I'll need to get a bit more serious about studying for it. I've also booked in my first RHS exam for 10 February, so I'll need to start studying for that from December or the new year a bit more properly. All very fun!

Ok, see you next week :)

Weeknotes 2025-W07

Sun, 16 Feb 2025 00:00:00 +0000

Monday
On the Monday, I was still in Devon, and sat the RHS exam. It was harder than I thought it would be, but hopefully I did alright.

Tuesday

We essentially just spent the entire day on the train journey back home.

Wednesday

I had the Wednesday booked off on holiday as well, so I went to the cafe, studied a bit of RHS, sorted out some shirts, and began to do a "1k" project. The goal is to get a set of 1,000 songs downloaded that I can use for my playlists, etc. Basically put together all songs that I enjoy, and have them downloaded. On the Wednesday I did most of R.E.M. and some of Kjott (a Norwegian band who I like a lot, were only around for two years). I also sorted out shirts for work, did some washing, etc.

I also knocked together a Ruby script in the evening to track whether I'm on track for something, based on the number I have done so far, and when I want to be done by.

Thursday

I went to work. I got a falafel wrap for the first time in awhile this day - very nice of course, as always. I did a few more of the songs, and also wrote a quick script in C to get the file extension of a file (because it didn't seem like there is a good way in POSIX sh to do it).

Friday

Didn't do too much.

Saturday

I went to the cafe to study with my mum as usual, and she saw one of her friends on the way, so he joined us. Then, in the afternoon, I didn't really accomplish too much, as I ended up falling depressed. Hey ho.

Sunday

Went to the driving range hit some balls with my dad (I do enjoy golf, and probably could play it more often) and then family came over. I ate a huge amount. Diet resumes tomorrow.

Intermediation

Fri, 04 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000

This is entry 4 of 100 for #100DaysToOffload.

A lot of big business nowadays seems just to be about intermediation.

Let me just give some examples:

Cars act as an intermediary between the origin and the destination; they monetise the driving data, etc. as well as being unnecessarily expensive.

Google intermediates between the user and information; they monetise the data for advertising.

Twitter, Instagram, Reddit, etc. intermediate between the content generated by people, and the people to see the content.

Netflix intermediates movies and series; Spotify intermediates music.

Visa intermediate between the customer and the seller, whilst taking an amount of the actual transaction as fees.

Generative AI is intermediation too: it functions as a 'virtual mind', producing new (if often terrible) content from existing (often stolen) content.

All of this is backed up by proprietary software, and the power of defaults, as well as the lack of viable competition. This is why there is such a push to make everything contactless and cash-free: it consolidates the power of Visa, as there is a lack of competition, and contactless payments have become a default (under the guise of convenience).

Disintermediation

I've seen the idea of disintermediation before, but I don't really think that would the solution to this. Each of these businesses actually do offer something: cars have a value in getting from place to place, search engines are necessary to find information on the internet. But they problem is, they are consolidated and hold too much power, and so get around selling terribly suboptimal solutions to the problem. For instance, the auto industry (and oil/gas companies) make their money from a suboptimal solution: they had enough money to affect the infrastructure to be car-centric, when the optimal solution would be public transport, or a bike. But we do need to get from place to place! So there is a market for the intermediary, but just... we need a better one.

As an example, we have content feeds that intermediate between the actual content and the people watching the content. But, because the companies are only after profit incentives, the feeds are not actually there to put worthwhile content in front of people's eyes: it's just to get "content", however pointless, and however deleterious to the person, that generates the maximum profit.

Yet: there does need to be a way to distribute information. Now, I don't know if the concept of a traditional social media "feed" is the best way, but RSS feeds do the same thing, really. It is useful.

So, I think that for each of these, what we need is a solution that is in the middle. For instance, I think that in the realm of travel, bicycles are the best mode of transport for urban places - for longer journeys, trains and buses and trams are the best mode. Likewise, it is clear that Google (and all the rest too: Bing, Duckduckgo, etc.) have all failed in the quest to make a good search engine. I've been trialling Kagi, and from what I can see it really is much better. It is not corrupted by the profit motive, as it is paid-for, and instead, it simply focusses on providing the best search experience it can.

I wonder if there is an alternative to Visa that intermediates payments without the problems that it has. For instance, perhaps a non-profit that only takes fees as required to provide the service, and not to turn profits.

In terms of Netflix and Spotify, I suppose disintermediation could actually work here. Of course, there is still the record label that acts as an intermediary and siphoning off, so the problem seems bigger.

AI is mainly a terrible intermediary because... it's inefficient. Painfully inefficient. In this way, it sort of has the same problem as cars do, only so very much worse.

Conclusion

I haven't really got anything else, but I wonder if there is a market for replacement intermediaries, which have better incentives, or a more efficient structure...

Non-flow

Mon, 28 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 23 of #100DaysToOffload)

I read a few days ago an old entry in my diary where I would write quite lengthily on the topic of Quality, and of God. It was May 2023. I find it strange how it has only been a little over a year, and yet my mentality is so thoroughly altered that I would not in any way be able to write in that form, and philosophrise in that way.

I wish I still could. I think it was meaningful to me.

Now, I did a lot more reading on the topic at that time: I read Pirsig, and some Christian works, and that sort of thing. I suppose I spent quite a while thinking about the idea. I don't read any of that anymore. In fact, I read very little nowadays, overall. As I read Plato this year, I noticed that I wasn't really getting much from it. It somehow just didn't give me anything to read it. It was to reading what looking is to seeing. I've stopped trying to read one Plato per month now.

I think I was happier in that mode. I suppose all I must do is read that sort of work, and eventually I will return to that mode of being?

Can I take the better aspects of my current state, and imbue in it the better aspects of my previous state?

As I don't think the words flow quite as well now. Or if they do, they are less significant. Not that I ever wrote anything of value either way.

Review of my Leuchtturm notepad

Wed, 12 Mar 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I recently decided I would buy myself some Leuchtturm notepads, to try them out and see how much better they are against the usual cheap old notepads that I use, that I generally just find lying about and appropriate for my nefarious journalling needs.

I decided to buy the Hardcover Pocket A6, which has 187 pages and is lined with a dot grid spaced 5mm apart.

It has a few features that I definitely prefer over the notepads I've used in the past. The main two are the contents page, and the numbering of pages at the bottom of the page. I have for certain notepads numbered the pages manually myself, but the presence of the page number down the bottom saves me a bit of work. It is also fairly inconspicuous, printed in a light grey, so allows me to almost ignore it if I wish.

The contents page is helpful, though I haven't used it much yet. I think mainly, it will be good for when I finish it, and I want to refer back to specific portions. As a result of the contents page, I have created subheadings for the topics I write about, so I can easily refer back for myself and say, go to subheading "Directions to British Academy" on page 5, for instance.

The grid spacing is nice. It allows me to write in a ordered way, keeping the lines straight, whilst also not having the line, which is quite an "imposing" part of the page.

The squares are a good size for when I write in English, and allow for a pleasant gap between the lines that makes it easy to read. I wrote a page in Japanese, and find that the grids are oddly a bit too small for kanji, but actually too big for kana. Hence, the kana appear to have a lot of spacing about them, but kanji, especially slightly more complex ones like 練習 (renshuu - practice) or 選択 (sentaku - choice) are not given enough room to show all the strokes clearly within the cell. I am using a TWSBI extra-fine, which granted is not quite as fine as a Japanese EF, but is still pretty fine. I think this cannot be helped though. Lord help me if I ever have to try to write 憂鬱 (yuuutsu - depression) or something like that. I might just write that one in hiragana.

The paper handles my writing with fountain pens well. Both the TWSBI Eco and the Pelikan M200 (using Iroshizuku Yama-budo, and Faber-Castell India Red) write well with no bleeding, and do not have any dry starts, etc. I also don't end up getting bits of the paper on the nib of the pen, as has happened with cheaper paper before. All in all, a good experience.

The size of the notepad is good as well. It is the perfect size to be able to fit into pockets, and so functions very well as an actual pocket notepad. Writing on it when it's held in my hand and I'm upright is a challenge, but probably just because I'm not used to writing in that way.

I think it's definitely worth it!

First weeknotes and what the blog could be

Thu, 26 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000

I really have no conception what I want the blog to be used for. Originally it was the main place of writing when I didn't write as much, and I would have posts on various things. But I have not written a blog post since Feb 23 (a year and a half!) and have now begun wv so I am not really sure what I should be putting on my blog.

The wv has the restriction of writing at least a thousand words that is relaxed here. I think wv could be used for getting my thoughts together, and then any proper ideas I write up into blog posts once I've gotten them in a good shape so to speak?

Anyways...

100DaysToOffload

I am thinking of starting 100DaysToOffload, the challenge to write 100 blog posts in a year. So I would start I suppose from 2024-09-30.

This will actually get the blog to be used a little, and mean that I would write in a way that I sort of expect to get read? Not that I have much (any?) readership. It would go alongside writing the longer form, more rambly wvs, but be shorter (or less constrained by length, at least) and more just about what I did during the week as opposed to actual topics.

To get an easy fifty-two in, I think I would like to do a weeknotes regular, where I write just what I did in the week. I suppose a part of this would be to find something new to do each week, which would be fun! And of course, continue with my current interests.

#Inktober

At the same time, for next week, I am going to begin Inktober. This will be to draw one sketch (in pencil and can later potentially be inked in) each day in October. I'll upload these on the weeknotes or somewhere else.

Weeknotes

For the week 2024-09-23 to 2024-09-29.

It's been a decent week. I went to the gym two days in a row for the first time ever: Sunday and Monday. I went with my dad and I've ended up pulling my triceps - I knew I shouldn't have done it as I did triceps the day before as well. It's now pretty painful if I move my arm in a certain way. Hey ho, I'll recover.

I went out for work drinks on Wednesday. I got tontoed (for non-Brits, that means smashed, drunk) having about nine drinks (mostly cider, one rum and coke) in total. It was on an empty stomach, and I can't really handle my alcohol that much anymore, because I barely drink. It was great fun - we (me and ...) discussed with the HR lady about maybe living and working abroad - I got the e-mail back on Tuesday confirming my application for German citizenship, so I've only got two more years and then I'll be German! - but she in good HR fashion just said to ask our managers.

Creatine

I've started to take creatine, to hopefully make me sort of generally more performant at... the gym, and at life, I guess. I did get incredibly dehydrated the first day I took it, and bloated the day after, but I think it's ok now even after just a couple days. I suppose (since I'm not loading it) that I won't see any changes for a couple of weeks, which is fine. Maybe the change won't even be that drastic.

Kagi

I've been looking into [Kagi](https://kagi.com), which despite its horrible sounding name looks to be an amazing search engine. They have a trial with 100 free searches, and it does appear to be really good - it prioritises (and seems to index really well) searches from small, independent sites, and does not have the same kind of AI written articles (we all know the type - titles like BEST X OF $CURRENTYEAR and then huge amounts of drivel to pad out space for ads) or the same few sites (Instagram, Facebook etc) that clog up searches; it also seems to have a good ability to customise the searches to your liking, e.g. reducing the prevalence of certain sites or increasing others.

Currently I'm just on the trial, but I think I will use it day to day, and then if it's really good I will pay for it. $5 a month (probably £4ish) is fairly reasonable. It does feel odd to pay for a search engine though...

Sonnets

I wrote my first sonnet this week! It is sort of just a play on the Shakespeare sonnet 18 "shall I compare thee to a summer's day?" but still proud of it in a way! I quite enjoyed writing it and enjoy sonnets as a poetic style, so will try write more.

Weeknote 2025-W39

Mon, 06 Oct 2025 00:00:00 +0000

Unfortunately, I've not done a very good job of taking notes for this week, and I also have written these weeknotes a solid week late. As such, I'm not really in a good shape to actually say how I did.

Monday

No notes!

Tuesday

No notes!

Wednesday

I went to the allotment in the evening, and planted a few daffodil and hyacinth bulbs.

Thursday

The plan in the evening was to go to the Guildhall, however instead we went for drinks at lunch (I had a very busy workday which was made difficult by the two-and-a-half hour boozy lunch) and then afterwards we went to a lawyer's event, and then around London for drinks.

Friday

I went to a dating event, called Haystack Dating which was in Bermondsey. It was decent fun, and I met a good few people, but nobody I was interested in as per usual...

I am really not sure on what the issue is with all this. Not that it is necessarily even an issue per se, only I am never really attracted to anybody. It's odd, albeit of course temporary... One of those joyful problems of youth.

Saturday

So, uhm, I may have an alcohol problem...

There was my niece's birthday party during the day which was fine. In the evening I went out for a nighttime rave with a friend. It was actually a very small almost nightclub kind of vibe. Very enjoyable. He found a girl he was interested in, but didn't make the move...

Sunday

I think I mostly took it slow, recovering a little, having lunch at a cafe, etc.

Stats

Screentime

... Apparently my usage tracker doesn't go back further than a week so I actually can't say. I don't think it was a significant improvement though.

Steps

103k steps! Quite good. The majority of these were Sunday (or very late Saturday night, depending on how you define it) with 33k steps. This equates to around 51km and 3200 kcal.

Reading

Still reading The Gift.

M05 study update

For the third week in a row, I have not studied at all.

Languages

Italian

For the third week in a row no progress - still 53 pages in.

German

See above.

Finnish

I'm going to drop this section as I don't think I will pursue Finnish, I doubt I will have time.

Music

Mandolin

I've been practising the prelude to the first Cello suite, which has been quite fun. Also, I've signed up to go to Raffaele La Ragione's workshop in October. We will be playing Danses bijoux.

Violin

I have decided to drop violin, and the lessons, until the new year. It's too busy otherwise, and almost all of my Saturday's are booked in with something now.

Health

Exercise

I didn't go to the gym once.

Weight and diet

I didn't track my calories or protein very well this week, so I can't give numbers. It probably wasn't incredibly this week either, as I drank a lot of alcohol.

Weeknotes 2025-W08

Sun, 23 Feb 2025 00:00:00 +0000

Monday
I did my work, and then saw a friend in the evening online. I have to be honest, I literally have no memory of this, but it's in my notes and we did message about it on that day so it must have happened.

Tuesday

Work again, and then there was a leaving drinks in the evening which I went to. I didn't drink any alcohol, was a bit awkward, and then castigated myself for the fact on the train ride home.

Wednesday

I saw another friend, this time in person, in the evening. It was good to catch up - I hadn't seen him in months!

Thursday

The train into work was really late. It normally arrives at 08:14 (and I am in the office for 08:20). Instead, it was delayed by a good hour, then stopped at an earlier stop so I had to get another train from there to actually get into London. I arrived at the office at 10 almost on the dot (everybody asked me if I'd overslept). Also, when I tried to do Delay Repay, the website doesn't work - it just loads forever when you get to the final screen. I've tried it on different browsers, devices, etc. and nothing seems to work. So I'll go into the station at some point and do it then.

I have no recollection of what I did in the evening. I also didn't write anything down in my scratchpad or journal. However, I did release a blog update, so I think this was the day I rethemed the website, implemented summaries, etc. I do like how the website looks now.

Friday

I finished 100DaysToOffload! I also popped round my grandma's, whose house I am looking after whilst they are on holiday, to get the key and be shown where everything is.

Saturday

I went to the cafe to study as usual, and then came home, ate far too much chocolate (previously, I bought myself six months of chocolate with one bar per month: on this day I ate or gave away all of March's supply, and most of April's), and then moved over everything I need to my grandma's house whilst I am living here. Three instruments (guitar, mandolin, violin (that I can't play)), two bags of clothes, my set of dumbbells, laptops, etc.

Sunday

I slept horrifically. Maybe just because it's a new bed, maybe something else too. I ended up with two ideas though.

Firstly, next week, I'm going to try to break my tradition for lunches when I'm in the city, where I normally have soups or curries. I'm going to make a proper packed lunch, with sandwiches, fruit, yoghurt, maybe some soup, tempeh, etc. Then, instead of eating at my desk, I'm going to try a different sitting place (park, etc.) each day. For instance, I might try Aldgate Square one day, Billingsgate the next, St Dunstan's after that, etc. I'll just explore about. It'll make for a nice change.

Secondly, I want to drastically reduce my technology use now I am here, so that I use it only when I need to use it. For instance, this laptop can be used only writing posts for the blog. The other one can be used only when I need to use it to see my friend on a Monday (who lives miles away so we can't meet in person).

I got up at about nine, after trying to get back to sleep but not being able to. Then, I showered, had breakfast (three small potatoes, microwaved, and a tin of beans, plus some rapeseed oil drizzled over) and went for a walk.

I felt really depressed and tired today. On the walk, I was dragging my heels on the return journey, almost completely without energy. Not sure why, really.

I ended up thinking about my habit of beating myself up for not being enough. I need to stop doing that, and accept that I am fine how I am. Change the currently mentality of I'm not enough now, but I could be better in the future if I apply myself, to: I'm enough now, and I could be better in the future.

That's why I am happy I'm away from home, on my own, for a bit. It gives me a bit of time to think, change habits, and readjust my mindset. I will try use it effectively.

Until next week!

Chocolate

Sun, 26 Jan 2025 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 77 of 100DaysToOffload)

For quite a while, I've taken a fairly relaxed stance on chocolate. I'm fairly strict on my veganism (well, I'm not a proper vegan, but that aside) but I tend to be a bit lacksadaisical about the chocolate issue, and honestly other issues like plastic, too.

Some are difficult to avoid. Chocolate though falls into a similar category to meat: easily avoided.

I looked up a brand of chocolate that I have, several times now, bought from Aldis. Moser Roth, owned by Storck. In this Chocolate Scorecard, Storck are a full red, with lowest marks for child/slave labour exploitation and environmental concerns. I can't very well say that one of the reasons I don't eat meat is the abuse of the workers, and then buy this!

In essence, I sort of treat chocolate as a bit different, and say to myself, yeah, it's not great, but I want to have a bit of fun... and buy the product without looking into it fully beforehand, thus paying money into slave and child explotation. I do exactly what I dislike about people who support the meat industry: staying ignorant so as to avoid making an unpleasant change of action!

I know I must know. I will have to change, and treat chocolate as a luxury. Have it less often, and when I do have it, make sure I pay good money for it to be ethically sourced. Basically, exactly what I do with eggs. I only ever have eggs from ethically sourced, local farms where I can basically see the chickens to know they are well-treated, no major environmental, employee, etc. abuse is going on. I essentially should treat it like that.

And obviously, for my health, I need to treat it like a treat. Only rarely. That way, I can also spend more on it to make sure it's ethical.

I do feel bad that I've fallen into this trap though. Ignorance is so compelling, and so easy to fall into. And so enjoyable, too. I really just wish I could just not care at all.

Maybe it's cute

Thu, 14 Nov 2024 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 37 of #100DaysToOffload)

On the train this morning (which is just a regular service) the driver announced (fairly clearly over the tannoy) a long-journey-esque announcement like you get on cross-country services. Welcome ladies and gentlemen to your semi-fast service today, calling at ... only. It's a bit of a dreary day out, but a bit of good news: there are no delays on this service which will be arriving on time .... so on. He said he'd try check the tube services but the tech on board the trains was terrible, and has just announced 'ladies and gentlemen, don't panic!' to introduce that it'll be making a quick unexpected stop to check on a minor fault.

I don't know how to describe this: maybe it's just cute. It makes me giggle anyways. This kind of friendly announcement tone for a service that is just an everyday commuter train is surprisingly wholesome. I like it! Normally we don't get any announcements at all apart from the automated ones.

Weeknotes 2025-W30

Wed, 30 Jul 2025 00:00:00 +0000

Wow, thirty weeks into the year! Well over halfway at this point.

I was back from holiday and back to work this week, which means back to the usual pattern of life...

Monday

I had to go into the office today, because I ended up burning my laptop charger for work by plugging it into my mum's old phone (which I was going to adopt) which caused both to burn... fun.

My new, short hair was immediately noticed by basically everyone! I've also begun painting my nails, which is... less commented upon but I'm pretty sure still noticed.

Tuesday

... I have no notes so I have no idea what I did.

Wednesday

In the evening, we went out for an Indian, as my parents were back from holiday (it is a custom to have a takeaway after each holiday).

Thursday

I went to see Giselle at the opera house - it was really good!

Friday

... I have no notes so I have no idea what I did.

Saturday

In the morning, I did some tidying of my room, and then went for a walk with my dad to pick up eggs. Then, I flashed LineageOS onto the new phone I got (Oneplus Nord N10), and donated the money to the charity for the month, for this month to the All Grants Fund. I finished 1Q84, and went for a walk with my mum in the evening.

Sunday

I started reading La voce delle onde, which is... difficult to read, being in Italian, but is a good way to start trying to read properly in Italian. I went to the allotment, weeded a bit, ate a few tomatoes, read about half a chapter of La voce delle onde, and played some mandolin.

In the evening, some of my parents' friends came round, and we stayed in the garden, chatted, had some chippy chips.

Weeknotes 2025-W43, W44 and W45

Sun, 09 Nov 2025 00:00:00 +0000

Yes, three weeks' worth of notes in one entry. My life, I feel like, has become fairly disorganised - or rather, I am being fairly disorganised, and I've ended up skipping a bit. A lot is sort of... not really falling apart exactly, but hardly going perfectly. It's really not so dramatic, and apart from the fact that I have gained a bit of weight (a bit under half a stone), it would be hard to tell from the outside that my internal state feels a bit more "chaotic".

So, I'm not going to do three sets of Monday to Sunday as I normally do, with half the days saying can't remember or did nothing. Instead, I'll just indicate the highlights.

Raffaele's Mandolin Workshop

On the 25th, Raffaele la Ragione hosted a mandolin workshop. We played Danses bijoux, but didn't get time to play Calace Siciliana.

It was really good!

Jools Holland

On the 30th, we went to see Jools Holland. I didn't really know JH, but the music was fantastic, if a bit too loud. We recognised the saxophonist - Derek Nash - who me and mum saw before.

Arch Enemy

On the 1st, I went to the Hammersmith Apollo to see Arch Enemy, who played alongside Eluveitie (a band I absolutely love!), Gatecreeper and Amorphis. It was incredible, and I need to go to more metal gigs.

Greek Music

On the 9th (today as I write!) we went to see some greek music in Camden. It was (like everything else I've mentioned here - I am listing the highlights after all!) very very good.

A few other nights out

I've also been out for work drinks, drinks with my mates (a very late night on the 8th!), etc.

Getting things back on track

From next week, I want to try to get things back on track. I need to:

Actually put time aside to get my coursework done. It has to be done by February (less than 100 days left!) and I am barely even started. Essentially, I need to try to get say one question done every two weeks.

Diet and exercise. I haven't been to the gym, or been swimming, for a good while now. I have also been eating very poorly, which has caused a bit of weight gain and I think some muscle loss. Basically, I need to get back on it next week.

Excellence, and compromises

Sun, 29 Dec 2024 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 57 of #100DaysToOffload)

Within life, there are certain aspects where you really want to excel, and certain places where you just want to do enough. I've found for my work studies (for the Cert CII), I just really care to do enough study to make sure I pass. It doesn't really matter whether I pass with 100% or barely scrape a 70% pass mark; just as long as it's a pass.

With the RHS, I'm finding that I really only care to make sure I have enough knowledge to pass. Of course, I want to do well by it, but fundamentally I just care that I get good enough. I've got a month of study for it - and I will try - but what happens happens, and I can't say I'd be too distraught if I just got a pass, not a distinction.

In terms of the guitar, and the mandolin, I'm not being graded. Yet, with these, perhaps precisely because there is no actual number being attached to my progress, I want to do as well by it as I possibly can. I want to get good at it; often I don't manage, and I beat myself up, but at the very least, I really do want to be good at it.

I think there are just certain things where you have to say, looks, I've got a fair bit on my plate, and I'm willing to let this one part slide just a little. I don't think that's bad. Accepting that not everything will be perfect is a part of life; things get in the way, priorities change, motivation comes and goes.

It's maybe just about taking it day by day, and never little something slide too far. There is a point where it gets disappointing, or you resign yourself a little. I haven't played guitar for three months now, oh I'm so useless, I'd might as well give up. Yet, of course, in terms of tracking things by days, I could just as easily say, Well, I just play guitar today, and then I'm back on track, if we're going by days elapsed. The thousands page has somewhat fallen by the wayside for me, but this follows that principle, which is why I consider it a good idea. Yet, I've forgotten it completely. I'm tracking things in a different way now, that makes it somewhat obsolete, even.

Life is too much flux and too much flow. To achieve true excellence in one pursuit, I've have to sacrifice others; life is fundamentally a game of sacrifices. A certain amount of it is adjusting oneself to the reality that one person can't do, or be, everything. I can't be incredible at guitar and mandolin and an expert horticulturist and an insurance guru and a polyglot and a man of letters and dedicated to my fitness and... whatever else. I have to make concessions, and do as best as I can with the time that I've got.

It's a not-so-fun game of choosing what you're happy to be bad at. Then, it is a still not-so-fun game of taking those things you've chosen you want to be good at, and getting good at them. It'll take years.

(I have played mandolin for a mere eleven days, as of today. It's a disappointingly small number, and I'm still terrible at it as a result. I started to see results at the gym by my thirtieth visit; maybe by thirty practices of mandolin, I'll realise I'm getting a tiny, tiny tiny bit better.)

Weeknotes 2025-W18

Mon, 05 May 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I've been again this week fairly disciplined about actually writing my diary, and as a result I have actually made it a lot easier to write this.

In all

Decently productive. I can't complain, at least. Work is the main thing that plagues me, and plague me it really does.

Monday

I set up Hinge! After all, I decided to do a mixer called "Bored of Dating Apps" and figured I should probably try dating apps.

I've realised in doing it I have very few good photos of myself.

Tuesday

And I got my first like on Hinge! (The next one didn't happen until the week after mind, maybe I actually need some better photos)

In the evening, we went to the allotment and sorted out the pile of brambles that we cleared from the path on Sunday.

Wednesday

The last day of April. Work was subpar and I'm being plagued by some things that are a nightmare to deal with, and which I don't really have the time for.

At lunch, I went to Olave's church and listened to a sax quartet. Really good!

Then, in the evening, I went to Moorgate, sat in the Barbican briefly (had a very tasty cinnamon bun) and then to the Guildhall School of Music and Drama to listen to piano. This was absolutely amazing: the pianists are so incredibly fluent it is unbelievable.

Thursday

At lunch, I saw Trio Notturno playing at the church, violin viola and guitar. The guitar is from 1820, which is really cool.

In the evening, I again went to GSMD and saw strings: cello, harp, viola. The girl playing viola seemed absolutely terrified (but still played very well) and the harp was downright exquisite.

Friday

Work was not incredible as it hasn't been the past while (same issue plaguing me, haven't had time to deal with it) but, in the evening I went for Thai with my mum. Lovely! For dessert we had some hot coconut milk and bananas as well, which was really really good...

I also had my usual chilli tofu on the side, which is silken tofu and has the texture of raw egg. I really enjoy it somehow.

Saturday

I got a few chapters of Poemander edited, and tried to print it but failed twice. I know what the issue is though, I just need to rotate the sheets when I flip to print on the other side.

We went to the allotment and then I went to my sister's in the afternoon, who gelled my nails. It's to stop me biting. On her recommendation I didn't get them painted black, and will save it until my nails have grown out a bit and it looks better.

I played some Out on the Ocean on mandolin, tried a bit of violin (I really need to start lessons at some point), and did some Latin.

Sunday

In the morning I pulled a muscle in my neck, which was excruciatingly painful. As such, I was reliant on ibuprofen throughout the entire day. I tried to install BL3, and cleared a fair bit of space off of my computer. My plan is to clear everything and fully reinstall the system (it might be worth this being a recurrent thing, say, each year, to prevent buildup of cruft) and edited some more chapters of Poemander (I am adding in the vowel lengths, mainly).

50 in 50: Fascinating Country

Tue, 10 Jun 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I really like the idea of living in Europe. Where exactly I don't mind: probably, it would be either Germany, or Italy or Norway. If not, it would be Japan. I think all of these places are broadly more beautiful than the UK, and have a certain something where I wouldn't mind to live there. That said, it may also just be that I like the languages and want to live there to get a chance to hear the language all about me.

I think for Japan, the uniqueness and preservation of the culture is quite interesting. Not just in Tokyo and the big cities, but also in smaller towns. Maybe I've watched too much anime, though.

I tend to find any country I am learning the language for interesting.

Countryside friendliness

Tue, 11 Feb 2025 00:00:00 +0000

We went to rural Devon this weekend, as the holiday that I had to take my RHS exam. We stayed at a lovely pub called The Bickford Arms. The host there is incredibly lovely - in that part of Devon it's almost impossible to get anywhere without a car, and we didn't have one. He drove us to the exam on the Monday when we had to sit it, as well as up to Morrisons to do some shopping, and drove us round Holsworthy and Bude to show us about. His husband even drove to the station on the way back as well.

They were incredibly friendly - the entire staff was friendly, chatty, and almost... completely different from in the country. It wasn't just good customer service, it was actually a sort of informal breaking-down-barriers between the customer and the server. It wasn't a transactional exchange, but was a realer exchange between people.

It is lovely. Of course, it's well known that is the case. You can feel, as you come back, the atmosphere get colder and colder, more and more impersonal. At Okehampton station, we had a nice chat with an old man who had come to try to buy a plate from a shop he saw, but found out that it had been sold already. He told us about how he enjoyed trips to Italy, and was going to go to Italy soon for his 70th birthday. You get to Exeter St Davids, and it was already... fairly impersonal (noticeably so), but still there was a little bit of conversation between strangers. Once you get to London, all sociality is completely stripped. It's cold, isolative.

That's the lovely aspect of countryside, though. Everybody is more open, friendlier.

I think, I would like to try to bring that back to the city. Talk to people a bit more, try to have more conversation. Of course, people in the city are very closed off, and hesitant around others talking to them. Isn't it a shame, though?

It feels almost like two days

Sat, 01 Feb 2025 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 86 of 100DaysToOffload)

I just thought in my head, as I was writing some extra things up in my Hobonichi entry for the day: wait, no, that was yesterday I went to the cafe!

It wasn't - it was only this morning.

I've done quite a lot today. I've:

been to the cafe to study and read;

booked in and paid for a show to see in October;

washed my clothes and bedsheets, dried my bedsheets on the radiator, and laid my bed;

paid my annual Vultr costs;

ironed my shirts for work next week;

practised mandolin a few times throughout the day;

bought six months worth of chocolate from Tony's Chocolonely;

done six sets of weights;

eaten dinner;

rested some;

spent about half an hour in a depressive rut (not sure this is a good thing);

washed up some accumulated crockery;

watched a podcast on meditation (I want to learn more about and start doing) from Andrew Huberman;

And, in a bit, I'm going to do some yoga and then some meditation before bed.

I've done a lot today!

I'm actually so happy that I ended up getting confused and thinking that the things I did this morning were actually yesterday - it's such a nice sign that I've done a good amount today.

Weeknote 2025-W36

Sun, 07 Sep 2025 00:00:00 +0000

Monday
I went to the gym, tidied up around my room, but I don't have any more detailled notes than that.

Tuesday

I went for a swim in the evening after work, and that was about it.

Wednesday

I met up with my friend in the evening. He was feeling a bit depressed, and I don't really know how to handle people who are in a bad mood. In a way I think it was unfair of him to burden me with it (he didn't seem to want advice or even just to vent) ... anyways.

Thursday

I don't have much in the way of notes for what I did in the evening. It makes me feel like I didn't do much, when I am sure I must have done something...

Well, this is probably where my high screentime (see below) is coming into play.

Friday

Work, and washing etc. I felt miserable and lacked any energy. I went to the gym in the evening but had to give up fairly early in, as I went through my water very quickly and didn't have much energy to me.

Saturday

I went swimming, my violin lesson, read and studied. In the evening, I tried a bit of Teach Yourself Finnish. I managed a good deal of steps this day!

Sunday

I went for a swim and then picked up eggs in the morning, relaxed, and then family was round for the day.

Screentime

My screentime has again been way too high. Monday it was 9h 10m. That is just absurd - almost 40% of my day spent on a screen. In reality, since I don't also count the screen for work, it is likely higher than that.

Tuesday 3h 17m. Wednesday 2h 18m. Thursday 4h 55m. Friday 7h 33m. Saturday 4h 5m. As I write (18:42) on the Sunday, 3h 41m. In total, that is around 35h, or 20% of my week.

That is just too much. I've been saying this every week for a while now, but from next week I'm going to practise a form of digital minimalism. The main culprit is Brave, and it is largely Youtube. I don't think it works to ban Youtube outright (after all, it does have its benefits!) so instead, I will just have to exercise self-control. No blogs, either. If I need entertainment, I have a book to read.

Steps walked per day

I only installed an app to count this on the Friday, and I didn't walk much on Sunday (though I did do some exercise). So, I only have the measurements for Saturday, really, which were 14,035 steps.

I'll have a full weeks measurements for weeknote 37!

Reading

Currently, I am reading Nabokov's The Gift. I am 126 pages in; I will in the following weeks be able to see how many pages I've read but not this one.

I don't really understand the book and feel I am not getting much out of it, but Nabokov's writing is still extraordinary.

M05 study update

I am studying the M05 (Insurance Law) for work. It's dreadfully dull. I studied it once on the Saturday for a bit shy of an hour.

Languages

Italian

In terms of Italian, I am going to try track this by my progress on the book La voce delle onde. I am currently 53 pages in, of 176 total.

German

Did nothing for it at all.

Finnish

For sheer fun I decided to do Lesson One of the Teach Yourself Finnish book I have had for a while, and which was handed down from my mother's father. I do like the look of Finnish... haluan puhuu suomeksi!

Music

Mandolin

I didn't do a great deal of mandolin practise, but I did print out the things I will need to practise for the mandolin meetup in a few months. It's all written in musical notation that I find difficult to read. I will have to just learn!

Violin

I only practised once for the lesson, and really the biggest issue I think at the moment is getting comfortable with reading the musical notation, as well as actually practising.

Currently we are at Exercise 22 ~ 24 in the Abracadabra Violin book.

Health

Exercise

I went to the gym on the Monday morning and the Friday evening - I had no energy to go Friday evening but didn't want to skip out on it altogether.

I did around half an hour at the gym each time using my full body.

I swam on the Tuesday, Saturday and Sunday for around 35 minutes each time. I think I need to focus on breathing more often - normally I breathe every four turns (??? in front crawl) but I find it's easier to keep going if I breathe every second turn.

I've moved it from a 45 second allowance per lap (which was ~30s swimming and then rest) to a 40 second allowance without difficulty this week. Maybe next week 35?

Weight and diet

My current weight is around 11 st 7 lb. My approximate maintenance calories would be 2282 kcal per day.

My total calories for the week were 13,160 kcal (1880 kcal daily average). This is a deficit of 408 kcal per day, resulting in likely weight loss of 0.82 lbs based on maintenance calories.

My average daily protein intake was 96 g, amount to 20.5% of my calories and making up 0.59 g per lb of protein (I would prefer 0.7g per lb).

My diet has been rather poor this week - I had a roast with the family on Sunday as well as frying my eggs not boiling them, and a fair bit of leftover bread with oil on the Saturday as garlic bread. I also had a curry for dinner on Wednesday when I met my friend, which was some 900 kcal with very little protein I imagine. That said, all this is just a part of life, and I've still met my calorie goal, even if I am a bit low on the protein goal. I have no reason to beat myself up about anything.

I can also tell now that I have lost a few pounds on the scales, even with the fluctuations from water weight, etc. -- and that is really nice to see! That said, I haven't noticed it on my body yet of course.

Next week, all I really need to do is be a little bit better on the diet.

Weeknotes 2024-W51

Sun, 22 Dec 2024 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 53 of #100DaysToOffload)

This week was a fairly dull one, I have to say. Still, did a little bit.

Monday, Tuesday

I got up at nine, got to work, and didn't stop until nine at night. I was behind on work. I played guitar / mandolin for half an hour before bed, showered, and slept.

Wednesday

I planned to repeat the schedule from Mon and Tues, but was just fed up with the idea of working, so I spent the evening reading instead. I had started Klara and the Sun a few days before and decided to read it - I ended up reading the whole evening, and finishing it. It was quite good - I'd recommend it. I might put another book by the author (Kazuo Ishiguro) on my to-read pile. But will focus on my reading list for 2025 first. Also played a little mando.

Thursday

Got up at nine again and worked. In the evening, I did a bit of shopping, and finished Shirley. Dreadfully dull, that book. I Shirley won't be re-reading it.

Friday

I literally can't remember what I did in the evening.

Saturday

I went to the cafe to study a bit of RHS, and read, practised some guitar with my mum, then a bit of mando, and read The Innocent. I don't enjoy it too much, but I'll get it done and off my to-read list. It's more tolerable than Solar at least.

Sunday

Went to the cafe again, but mostly chatted with my mum and read. I got back, just as my laptop was redelivered - I've got it back to write all my weeknotes on (and the blog) again! I have done a bit of blogging, added the first part of tagging to the website (still a fair bit of code to be added to generated the relevant webpage with all the entries, hyperlink it all, etc.) but I can at least list the tags now for implementing in the future, without it breaking my scripts. We then went to a carol service: pleasant, though it's very cold!

I really don't want to have to go back to work for two more days...

Jenufa

Fri, 24 Jan 2025 00:00:00 +0000

(This is entry 76 of 100DaysToOffload)

I went to see Jenufa at the Royal Opera House last night. I have to say: I really didn't enjoy it. It was just dull.

A couple reasons why might be the melodrama (though, it is an opera), the lack of any distinction, by which I mean any point where it sort of stops and focusses on one thing - instead, it is almost three hours of bustle and noise. The level of detail was too much in my opinion; it almost got into the weeds a bit much (then again, many people might like that; I don't really think opera is the right format and would prefer that in a book). Also, a lot of the dialogue was repeated, where they would say the same thing, two, three times. Overall, long, and a bit tedious. I found myself making sarcastic comments about it in my head to help pass it by a bit quicker.

It's a bit of a shame, but I think it's useful nonetheless. The first two I've seen I've absolutely loved (bar one scene in Eugene Onegin). This third one is not my cup of tea. Learning experience. Maybe I'll come to like it down the line, who knows. I could use it to try to work out what I like, and what I don't, in an opera.