Life is become tedium

(This is entry 81 of 100DaysToOffload)

(Essentially, this blog post is this song, so just listen to it for a tl;dr - or just listen to it anyways, it's a banger)

I feel as if, in wanting to become better in some sense, I have made it so I can't exactly be happy with myself. I have to do in order to feel like I am sufficient. If I don't meet expectations I place on myself, then I feel bad.

Before I began all this, I could go about my days, and did not feel as if I was underperforming. Naturally, I also wasn't doing as well, but there was a certain ... self-satisfaction that I don't have now.

I think it also has some to do with work. At work there is so much to do, I am at a constant "backlog" of sorts, or essentially on the backfoot because there is so much to do. This has been an impetus in a way to get things a little bit more sorted, alongside now wanting to do gym more, and make progress in all the various things I dabble in.

... The progress narrative might be bad one. There is also the idea that I'm not good enough as I am. For example, in terms of mandolin, I am still pretty bad at it, but have of course significantly improved since I started practising the song. Yet I'm still not happy - it is because I don't see myself as enough, at the moment (though I know it logically).

Of course, it's just a stage, just not a pleasant one. Sooner or later I will improve, of course - I currently am - but I won't ever be happy with what I can do. What will eventually happen though is I will get back to a freer mode of thought, with less focus on being productive, and less guilt. I'll discover what I used to have.

All the various "phases" that I go through in life - I suppose they are necessary in a sense.