2024-06-10
I'm currently trying to remedy the faults I have accumulated as a person over the past decade or more of neglect. I cannot fault my younger self of course; I am really a different person now that I was then. I have faults now I didn't then, but also a perspective on it that I did not previously...
So, I suppose the main question is: what should be prioritised, and what is the best course of action? Is there such a thing?
Of course, the fault in my character is holistic, or, it is all of my person, not merely a specific aspect, that is at fault. For instance, were it my diet that is poor (which thankfully it is not anymore; I've eaten well for a few years now, though unfortunately I did eat poorly all through my developing years, likely leading to the stunted state I am in now where I'm only about 5ft 6in), I could think of that as the issue. However, it would have knock-off effects. For instance, the high rates of sugar would cause swings in energy levels, and I could imagine that the lessened dopamine reception would induce lethargy, etc. This in turn would compromise my social performance, potentially inducing a form of social anxiety, or making job prospects worse. Poor sleep management could cause excess tiredness, and so insufficient time is dedicated on acquiring skills. Likewise, an addition, e.g. to social media or to a more tradition vice could sap time away from higher pursuits. And so, even a small matter can compound and come to affect, if in small ways, the entire system that is the person, and everything to do with them.
And so, what should be prioritised?
Let us make a distinction between those things that are easy to remedy, and those things that are not. For instance, an easy thing to do may be to do as Jordan Peterson says, and make one's bed of a morning. A harder thing to do would be something like quit an addiction to, e.g. alcohol. We could either take the harder issues by the horns, and tackle the major addictions and most prominent shortcomings in one's life. In this case, with full force attempt to quit alcohol through addiction help groups (e.g. Alcoholic's Anonymous), or take out a card that prevents purchase of specific goods, e.g. alcohol, or things of this nature. In other words, we a noticing a clearly evident problem, and dealing with it by employing our full force and will.
The alternative would be to take the small things first. These are small enough often that they can be done in large amounts. For instance, we could take the individually small pieces of advice such as: make your bed, go for a walk, as well as dealing with several tangential issues, e.g. poor diet arising from focussing on alcohol instead of cooking, and try to use these as almost a distraction from alcohol.
Because each individual job is so small, they cannot reasonably be refused on their own. I believe a problem with trying to tackle the larger problems is that the larger problems can very easy be overwhelming.
When I went on a soft skills course at work (they likely noticed how overwhelmingly shy I was; it's not much better even two years later) the teacher mentioned three zones. The first is the comfort zone, in which one is perfectly content. This is going to always be the usual activity performed. For instance, not making one's bed is comfortable and so keeps one in comfort zone. The second is stretch zone; making one's bed is closer to stretch zone, but is still safely close to the comfort zone: it's not that hard to make the bed. The third is the panic zone. When in the panic zone, the person will just panic and shut down. For instance, if I were made to do public speaking in front of a thousand people, I would be in panic zone, and would just shut down and not respond. In front of ten people would be stretch zone: I could do it, but I wouldn't like it. My comfort zone would be one on one conversations.
Each of these small jobs, by virtue of being small, are likely to be in the stretch zone. This brings the person outside of the usual routine, and in a slightly uneasy state, but never to the point of snapping. A person who snaps will just go back to what they are used to. They will end up thinking, I'm not capable of this, I'm not good enough for this, and just do their usual. However, if they can be pushed slightly outside their comfort zone, they'll gradually improve, and not end up snapping and regressing. There may also be other benefits to the act itself: keeping a diary may help a person to get their thoughts in order; going for a walk may render engaging in a pornography addiction unfeasible, etc.
Returning from theory, I notice in myself that there are days on which I typically regress in terms of my actions. Sometimes, it is out of my control. For instance, I may sleep poorly at night just because (and for no fault of my own). This happened to me only this Sunday; I then had to cancel my swim in the morning as I had not slept at all. From there, I struggled to maintain an effective day and not fall back into old habits; I inevitably failed.
The next day however, since I have a variety of small jobs I mark down in my tracker as having completely or not (of which the wv is one: I've done it for today), I can easily pick up one task or another and try to get the ticks in. I aim for thrice weekly gym and allotment: the only reason I can reasonably have to deny these is weather, and if the weather indeed is poor I can schedule to make it up later in the week (was more difficult this spring where it rained so often). The RHS course and Lloyd's Market Essentials (LM1/LM2) courses that I am studying I can also use to fill in the gaps. Or I can read: I have always wanted to read more, and now that I can get a free tick just from picking up the book and reading a chapter or so, I am far more tempted to. Doing so gives a sense of accomplishment in the jobs that are small (make my bed), as well as more medium-sized jobs such as reading or practising guitar (only picked back up again last week: I stopped when I was about 15. I'm really bad at it but trying to play Here Comes the Sun) that take a half hour or so. Importantly, each of these take me away from bad habits and vices.
But... I'm not focussing on other problems. For instance, my social inhibition is a serious problem I've had since I was about 17. I actually wasn't too bad (I still wasn't great) as a teenager, but I lost my confidence during A-levels and so was terribly shy upon joining the workforce. I'm still terribly shy, though perhaps not quite as bad as I was. However, I do not really try too much to push myself outside of my comfort zone. I mainly go out with friends either meeting one-to-one or as a group but rarely interact with anyone I do not know well. For instance, I do not tend to talk to people at the bus stop, because, well, I don't tend to ride the bus often (also, I live in a city and people would consider you weird for striking up a conversation). I do not tend to go out and meet new people often if at all, do not date, etc. When I go out for work-dos (which I do, and I almost always stay out to be one of the last people there) I talk mainly to people I know well first of all, i.e. those in my team. What is making my bed or practising guitar going to help me for these? (The latter may a little if I ever need to serenade a girl... Doubt that will ever need to occur.)
Really, it is that one of my shortcomings is interpersonal, and so far none of the actions I propose deal with or further interpersonal exposure. Whilst it does not panic me, certainly any action taken, e.g. initiate conversation with strangers, date, etc. would either be extremely costly in terms of time, or would not do too much to further the goal. I'm not so shy to talk to shop staff, so that (which, to someone with much greater anxiety than I would massively help) doesn't do much for me.
So, what of it. Well, I don't really know. I'm just writing to justify the existing style of dealing with issues through many small acts, and also note a major failure of it. Of course, this indicates that there is still an issue. As mentioned, due to the system (me) being holistic and with no independent variable, this would also mean that shortcomings in this one regard affect all other regards too. For instance, I consider my character generally to be rather poor; I also note that I often do embarrassing things involuntarily. For instance, when I had to ask a bus driver for help, I went bright red and sweated profusely: it was to the extent that a lady riding the bus looked upon me with worry and kindly offered me a seat. This is a consequence of my poor interpersonal skills. Likewise, it links of course to my poor conversation skills, worrying over small aspects, etc. This in turn has other detrimental effects, e.g. I am sometimes slow to complete tasks at work because of a fear of initiating a conversation with a colleague who I do not know well. Likewise, I probably do not know much due to being too scared to ask questions and appear stupid... So on and so on.
For now, the system is acceptable provided I am willing to deal with this shortcoming and am aware of it. I must find ways, ideally that are in themselves small, to deal with this issue. At work for instance, I have taken to doing a demonstration to each team (one per week) of a new system we have, and field any questions. This is only in front of a moderately sized audience, and is definitely helping. The first week I was altogether terrified... The next week was much better (granted a smaller audience). I'll see how tomorrow goes, but it's going to help me I think. I'm also taking on much more work (often too much) which is forcing me to work harder and so build skills there; I cannot afford to really lose time to being too scared to talk to someone at that point.
Really, the goal is self-improvement, but is a very slow one. I'm aware of that. I will look back at some point in the future and think, wow, I've improved, but until then the gains are often marginal.
Ok, that'll be it for today. I wrote almost two-thousand words, which was impressive. I'm not sure why they came so easily today... Not complaining. It's ten to nine and I still need to practise guitar before bed as well... I'm not giving myself much time.
Have a good one.