2024-07-16
(Editor's note: I wrote this whilst I was on holiday and had a quiet evening.)
Well, regarding my behaviour, I doubtless have many faults. This is prompted by my being told my poor manners, as I alighted the taxi, asking -----, *can you bring forward the seat?* (conspicuous lack of please) as ----- was far from and the taxi driver already going to act in that capacity; then getting out and not saying thank you (I thought I said cheers - I'll revisit). Rude.
So, ... I don't exactly fault myself actively, in that I was made aware of it by others, and in fact I had a suspended confidence for a short while after being told... (self love, reflective waters) and ascertained momentarily rather that to be the fault (forest for trees, hunted is both prey and predator) not seeing that the truth of one does not contradict it for the other. Clarity now, overwhelming clarity (for a single matter). So, I have the fault and the second one too (two faults don't make a quality?) and can I suppose receive a doubled, redoubled joy from the two aspects of my inadequacy that can tide my depressed mind over from evening to night.
So as to prevent anything from going missing, I recount the three topics to explore. My suspension of confidence upon receipt of criticism (critique); my poor manners; my non-utterance of words I believe to have uttered (drowned under the breath).
The first is dull... So, I'll take the second. I don't perceive myself as one with poor manners, yet certainly others do. I could go on : why, where (identification), what to do, etc.
Oh, I guess, I act in a rather self-interested way. I do not take interest in others so much, really all I focus on (naturally...) is myself. I need to I suppose invest in others, as well as myself. For instance, even to talk to others, it always comes back to myself. When, as an example (of many) I spoke to ------, I bring up that I can speak German, learnt (badly) Norwegian... it feels braggish. (Can I use this as wv still? Censor the names, later me!) In that way, I sabotage myself. How ought I have acted? I'm not sure if he asked first. Hopefully? Either way, it's one example. With ---- too (another job, future me) I feel like I sabotaged the entire relationship by not asking enough, and ignoring her if she would speak to me at times, really out of inhibition (unbracketed I can't bring myself to write the more honest i/self-abnegation/i). She would ask, I suppose in the usual friendly way, about my hair or whatever sliver of conversation I might allow her, and I denied her each time... Well, I suppose I had my own untoward reasons, though of course it was rude. Oh, I barely know her.
Now, with some people, I ask and don't get far. That's fine. I will not get everything. But most important of all is to ask. I try, but falter often. I don't really answer with this (non) conclusion whether self-disclosure of those things that in tatemae-esque talk others go, i/oh wow/i, and which makes me feel like a nigella in a perennial border (invasive, undesired, still somewhat pretty, about to explode with unwanted info, bad at similes?), is so bad, or acceptable once there#s an element of honne, or if I should just stop overthinking it and not be an arse (rarely do squats, still a massive arse (is the sub-bracketed voice a little less cruel?) maybe, but we rarely get two brackets deep), oh I could explore this (no one's interested).
I guess I shouldn't feel bad if others compliment me, if they're ... not deserved, but (approximating) factually accurate. For instance, as I sat that one lunch to read i/Die Stimmen von Marrakesch/i, and ---- (editors hate him!) stopped by to say, i/you are a man of many hidden talents/i, I ought not have felt bad about that. He was being nice!
Then, I suppose self-disclosure is ok (he (you talk as if you've multiple personality disorder, yet of course this is just a way of writing...) is really just justifying taking credit for the accomplishments of his teenage self, who had some modicum more capacity; I mean, what has this man actually accomplished during his adulthood?) and the receipt of compliments too, I suppose as long as they don't seem fished for.
Returning (i/hva har jeg egentlig å si...?/i sorry, song lyric) to manners, I have been told several times (friends, family, etc) that I can have poor manners (I tell them to piss off (second bracket to clarify, that was a joke)) and it is something I do not work on, but if I want to improve my character as this year is my focus, I ought add it as a, as they say at work, easy win. What is the issue, exactly? I don't say please, mainly. I tend to ask, let's say I want water, can I have some water?, and then upon receipt say, cheers, thank you. I suppose the initial request does sound a tad demanding. I just need to add please. Honestly, for a character flaw, I do think it is genuinely that easily fixed.
Yayy... my hand is getting tired so at least that's settled. Should I not be more systematic in enumeration of these matters, rather than large clusters of insufficient words each time? Eh, problems get dealt with when my heart's in it.
I should consider my talking under my breath too. It's (one would say) a confidence thing. (So I don't forget: consider also things I say in non-lucidity then regret) I guess it would be nice to say it'll fix itself as I deal with my confidence issues, but that's cart-before-horseing.
(As an aside, I have a song Supermodel, German, by who knows about the issues in the life etc. To hear it feels like motes and logs, I guess as I (bland insurance guy, citydweller, wannabe-differentist) hardly have it put together either. I can't identify with the song, that to me seems to say, i/I am perfect, sexy, and play bass guitar, yet - supermodels? Kah, what wretched lives!/i, because clearly, the people in the band, if this is what they are writing about, don't have it put together either. (Also, bass guitarrist joke) I mean, I'd hate to play bass guitar, and that's coming from me) (Currently listening to Lost in Hollywood, SOAD. Maybe I just don't like that supermodel song.)
Back on track, a part of my confidence issues is that I can't (I'll use the word, though it's a bad pick) enunciate well, verbally not phonetically. So I need to work on it, and more generally employ the correct pitch when I speak (not too loud, not too quiet). Practice? Or pick the right words. Or converse well, often enough. Oh Jesus, do I need conversation training?
Tired so I'll wrap this up. Last point. I often say things (as a joke) but owing to my lack of knowledge or humour or both it never comes out funny. Even today this happened. What can I do to fix this? I always say it in a non-lucid (automatic, almost non-personable self, that can conduct many actions in an unintelligent, base way) state. Will these become less frequent with time? I imagine, as it happens as an energy-saving device by my body, it always occurs, I just must try change what it does.
Ok, let's just try sleep. Transcribing wvs is another job when I get home.
(Editor's note: Have a good one!)