2024-07-19
It is two in the morning now. I've come back from the holiday, and jumped on to work to clear my emails. I had loads. They're all done now, or at least I can leave the rest until Monday, and now I've decided to hop onto my other computer to get some more not-quite-work done. Really, I'm just not in a mood for sleeping, and I want to do whatever I can that involves not being asleep.
I know it's not good for me. I don't exactly do it all the time. But really, I just do not want sleep tonight. I'll probably write this until I get so tired I really just can't resist sleep, then doze off.
In Christianity there is the notion of sin, and in other religions of similar things. It seems as though it's pretty clear when one is sinful. I'm in a sinful state right now. I ate doughnuts earlier, which are full of sugar, then I've stayed up like this... I feel terrible. Of course, I also don't want to stop. This seems to be what sin is. Something that makes life worse, and yet seems to have an allure to it of its own. To not sleep has a strange allure. It can appeal on the basis of getting more done, or of wanting to be social (night out on the town, etc) but really you always end up feeling bad for it. A good night's sleep is its own reward, so it's said, and really, despite the virtue of sleep, there is always a desire to sometimes, just sometimes, break it and see what happens. Inevitably, it's quite fun (the night normally is) but then the next day is horrid beyond belief. Even if the next day is tolerable, there is an element of regret that comes from knowing how much better it could be. And yet, it's impossible not to desire to stay awake on the odd occasion at least.
It feels boring. I'm not sure what life is all about, but surely it's not all low sugar intake and early bedtimes, right? yet weirdly, anytime I do have a lot of sugar, it does something for me without really being pleasurable. To borrow from Luka Luka Night Fever: taikutsu sou na kao gamen mitsukeru (staring bored at a screen).
A book I find really interesting (rambling, late nights) is The Monk, by Matthew Lewis. It details a monk on his passage from moral perfection to utter depravity. The scene that really gets me is at the end. He is detained for the crimes he has committed (by this point, rape and murder) and is unsure if he should make a pact with the Devil. If he does, the Devil promises to rescue him from the gaolers. He several times denies the Devil's advances, it being the one transgression he absolutely refuses to commit (his moral perception is a bit warped, clearly). As he hears his gaolers arrive, he has a fit of panic and signs the pact to be saved. Yet, he is informed then: the gaolers were coming to acquit him. The Devil carries him away, but rescinds on his offer. The monk is sent thrown down into a valley, with the crows to peck out his eyes... I don't know, it's of course overly poetic, but I feel that is really what is offered. I take the late night out of submission to an urge (not a fit of panic, but a discomfort of some kind) and the end result is I feel worse. Yet, the feeling after a good night's sleep is so... weak. It really doesn't captivate me at all, it's just a kind of baseline. It's not good, it's just neutral. It's avoiding pain, more than bringing pleasure. I suppose that is why it is so easy to want to give up on it. Who cares about normality?
I don't want to insinuate I have any degree of anhedonia, but I guess just nothing is that strong of a passion. Everything just ends up feeling... ok. Not good, or nice, or fun... just ok, alright, baseline. That is really the issue. Why worry about poor sleep at that point?
Even when in that horrid state of sleeplessness, the day is painful, really painful, yet never nothing really painful. Just kind of, unpleasant. Life is full of feelings that aren't strong enough to sate me.
I wonder if my lifestyle causes that. Or if my bar for enjoyment is too high. I don't do drugs, but I wonder if that would be enough if I did? Even alcohol is fun, but it doesn't repair the fundamental lack of strong experience in life. Perhaps life actually is this weak.
I'm really tired now. Honestly, I just want to sleep. I might just let it happen.