2024-07-26
It's half eight now, and I'll have to start work soon, but I might just have enough time to write a little. Maybe not 1,000 words. We'll see.
I'm in a bit of a poor state at the moment. Really, it is all the consequence of my own actions (see title), and I know I suffer only because of those actions.
For instance, I've got a painful leg at the moment. I'm not sure what the muscle is called, but it's the one that sticks out when you tense. It hurts at the moment, which really makes walking a bother, and I could feel it (though it wasn't painful) when I swam this morning. It must be due to swimming as that is really the only exercise I've been doing at the moment. Maybe I need to warm up before?
I was also late to my swim today. I got in the pool at 6:37 not 6:30. I mean, it is not the end of the world, but I know why it happened. I set my alarm for half five, woke up, stayed in bed deliberating whether I should get out of bed until 6:04, then went, oh, I will be late if I don't, got out and got ready. I left at 6:17, likely arrived at 6:32 (it's about a 15 minute cycle) and got in at 6:37. But I could have alleviated this if I had just gotten out of bed when the alarm rang. It's a bad habit of mine: I even tend to stay in bed for several hours if there is nothing to do. When I do get up, I inevitably feel tired, even if I didn't feel tired when I initially woke up with the alarm. I just need to have more self-discipline, or things to "have to do" that force me out of bed as soon as the alarm comes.
I left my swim after only 35 minutes as well. So I'm not doing that well. I have not gone to the gym for absolutely ages, and probably should. I guess I should forego the swim to give my leg some room to heal, and go to the gym and strengthen my upper body a bit more.
When I woke up today I did feel terrible, but again it's my own fault! I had two Old Mout's last night when we went out to celebrate my mum's birthday. Now it was nice to drink, I enjoy the taste of cider, but I know what alcohol does to sleep. I'm not very tolerant of alcohol any more either, and can very easily get drunk on two or three drinks now.
I guess I just need to understand the consequences to my actions. The ideal is that I act in the present in a way that means that future me gets the best possible deal. I do my exercise not for me at the moment, but so that future me has better self-esteem because he's less fat, or is healthier and going to live for longer with fewer health complaints, or feels better in terms of mental vivacity.
Likewise, the actions I've taken in the past while have inadvertently cause my present self not to be in the best of states. I've slept poorly the night before (and so have had to sleep on the train to recover it), drank last night, have exercise in a way to cause muscle pain in my leg, have not created the discipline to wake up with the alarm every day and so today caused myself to be late and on other days caused me to stay in bed, wasting countless hours and making myself feel bad when I do get up, ... Essentially, I need to be better. I occasionally lose perspective, but the perspective I ought take (ought) is that I have to, in the present, take actions to benefit myself in the future. If I feel bad about something now, like the fact I haven't been to the gym in who knows how long, then I need to act to remedy this by going to the gym as soon as possible. If I feel a task is outstanding at work, waiting for it won't make it any better, it will just give a longer delay and make bringing it back up again more awkward and unpleasant. I just need to deal with things as soon as I can, essentially just... to avoid pain. Seeking pleasure doesn't really seem to bring anything proper, but if I want an enjoyable life, I need to, not seek pleasure (sex, drugs, ...) but instead avoid suffering. Maybe that is the most important aspect of good living. Take action now to avoid suffering later, and tolerate well any suffering you may have to suffer (there will be some).
I can't even speak about suffering really: I lead a cushy life in a developed country, enough money to tide me over, ... I don't really have any proper struggles.
But still, I guess I'm trying to figure out how to live. This is still all so egoistic as well. I'm trying to benefit myself. What of benefiting others? Is that something that is best to try after (get to a state where I'm alright, then help others) or surely I should help others in the process of improving? And how can I help others? I am not sure I really have much to provide.
I need to start work now so I really should stop. I have mostly just rambled. I don't really know what I want from this wv thing: in a way I think I just want a goal to say "at least 1000 per entry" which encourages a longer form of writing, where ordinarily I struggle to make it past about 500 words. I think it has worked, and I am now writing more than I used to. I mean, last time, I wrote 2000 words! I'm not sure these words are any good though, and of course it is better to have fewer, higher quality words than more, lower quality words. Signal to noise ratio. I assume that my noise ratio has gone up since I have been writing more, which in a way is a bad thing. Perhaps I ought to limit the words on lengthier topics to encourage brevity, and likewise encourage verbosity on things that have no real meaning (like this ramble).
I don't know. Anyways, have a good one, and I'll get to actually doing some work.