2024-07-31
It's a fairly meagre Wednesday, where the sky is grey and grim, so I thought, what a great grey day to write a little.
I want to write today a little on good work, which is a topic I wish to explore another time more thoroughly (and citing the books Bullshit Jobs (well known) and Good Work (less well known, by E.F. Schumacher)). Today, I'll just ramble a bit on it really.
I've mentioned pejoratively before that I am one of those insurance folks. A paltry existence, I tide myself over by talking about quota share reinsurance and gross written premium, whilst experiencing the slight modicum of displeasure and discomfort which characterise the apex of my emotional capacity. Really, I work in MI: a role so truly fabricated that I have to explain to any and everyone I happen to meet who asks "so, what is it that you do for a living?" that it is a fancy word for "data guy". My own mother thought I worked in IT for years. Still does, probably.
Naturally, I do not believe it to be virtuous. Does anyone? I had for such a long time a folder in my e-mails entitled Graeberian... the greater blunder therewith was that I hadn't a rule to relocate all e-mail to that folder.
And I'm twenty-three. I'm young, but not so young. My prefrontal cortex is developing at a rate of knots (0.1 knots, to be exact) and I'm maturing, maturating. With it, I have a cognition of myself in twenty years engaging in the same non-action that has lead me here. Do I want to work in insurance for my whole life? The Lord put us on this planet to experience pain and pleasure, not to use the word "MGA" twenty-seven times per day. It's hardly even a word.
The question is what I desire most. The reason, honestly, to work in insurance, is because of money. The word, though dry, dull, dreadfully dull, deadening dull, is still palatable (as ear wax, orange peel, etc.) with a few chats interspersed and a task to keep you from thinking. The pay is alright for the fact.
When I speak with my dad about it, he always says that in a few years I'll be rolling in money... I don't want to! I want to roll about in dirt at the allotment, okay not literally.
For working with money and in an industry that is a financial service, I abhor the stuff. That said, I still oddly want it. I feel as though I'll lose something if I don't have enough. Perhaps the reason why is that I can't afford what I want even with my current (adequate, slightly below average) wages. I want a house, really, I guess. I suppose I think that if I get a lower paid job, I will struggle to get a house or move out of home. It would be, to use the painful term, fiscally irresponsible. Eight letter rule. I would then be a burden, I suppose, more so than I currently am. Is that it? (Not sure, I'm trying to work it out!)
So, what do? I want to work in a job that contributes something too. Insurance does not. Really, it offers a false service (give us money, and we'll give some of it back if you need it), ostensibly to pool risks, which... makes sense, and needs to be done, but I don't think it should be in the private sector. Funds, like Pool Re, Flood Re, etc. are really the ideal way to conduct all insurance, I think. It generates so many jobs as there is such an excess of money within the sector. We tide ourselves over with fake jobs that pay copiously whilst the slaves in India or China do all the actual work, or the 3% of farmers, abused by multinationals, have to squeeze out all the food for the rest of us indolent idlers. God, I just hate it. I don't want to partake in it. I know I do. I want to live somewhat morally, I guess.
What is good work? Clear examples are emergency services (police, fire service...), nurses and doctors, bin men... None of it pays well. It's my greed I think that stops me from doing it. I mean, what stops me from being a doctor is the countless years of training (I feel it's already a bit late).
I just want to alleviate this guilt I feel, I suppose.
Oh, I've rambled about how I'm a terrible person for eight hours a day and not even mentioned how I stroll straight past beggars yet!
That's the second issue I wanted to discuss. I'm not sure on giving to beggars. It feels wrong, of course, to walk past them, but is it really wrong? Does it make me a bad person? I did think about giving to say, HARP each time I walk past a beggar, but I haven't actually done that. Morally bankrupt, and corrupt (but very rich financially! obviously, that relieves me of all sin. We all know the story of the rich man and the widower: the rich man was better because he gave more money than the widower).
Ok, well. I'm sort of out of words. I don't really know what else to put. I should mull this over personally a little more as well. Essentially, I dislike the falsity of insurance work (even to my own parents! My dad works in insurance as well, and I don't want to tell him it's all a crock of shite. But the industry, the work, everything, is just fake. It's just fake. I'm sure he must know by now, but I can't bring myself to talk to him about it...), and do not want to do it for my whole life. Perhaps I ought give myself some false deadline, like that I want to be out of at least this part of the industry by say, the age of 25. At the very least, I think I should actually go into software dev to try it out. Maybe it'll be better. At least then I'm sort of producing something, even if not real. I could feel satisfied with certain sw dev jobs, provided I'm working on a project that is real... Not some fake insurance application or something.
Rambling. I'll stop now. I've technically hit my word limit. Essentially, the topic needs much more thought, but I really want to do something good. Insurance just isn't it.
(Oh, I didn't even mention how this mood was spurred on by my watching a re-wilding channel: Leave Curious.)
Have a good one.