On bad decisions

2024-08-17

I've made several bad decisions today. Firstly, I went for a swim even though I had nothing booked, but did not go to the gym. Then, I've gone to Utopia, and as I eat have still a half slice of cake and a half a milkshake (my third), that I don't want. I'm no longer in the mood for them. That said, I don't want to waste food. So I guess I have to eat it, even though I really, really don't want to.

I suppose a part of adulthood, which despite being 23 I still have not reached, is understanding those things that will make one feel bad. I don't know, for instance, in the late night out on Thursday, whether I would have felt more bad for leaving at half eight and being in bed nice and early, or for missing out on the enjoyment I got from the drink at Seething Lane tap. I think I would have almost enjoyed more the quiet night in, and the thought of other people enjoying themselves, than I actually did from being there. Then again, I do want to show my face, and I do enjoy being out late at night. The problem I have is that it causes me to feel bad the next day or, now, the next two days. It has a bad knock-on effect, in other words, and causes me to lose out significantly in the future. It's a tough trade. Of course there are certain matters I really don't make the trade on: alcohol for instance I nowadays barely touch, because I know it causes me a right struggle the next day. A lack of sleep gives me the usual problem you might expect from sleeplessness.

I'm not sure, but I guess if I know the actions that cause a bad effect in me, and make me feel terrible, I just need to not repeat them in the future. Things of this nature take time, but soon I can almost turn them into immutable laws: for instance, I can say, *thou shalt not buy two slices of cake*, which will rescue me from a situation like this. I need to just learn what is good for myself and what not. Really, it's odd that I am taking so long to get used to myself. I think also, I almost try mistakes, understanding that I will regret it, and then do it, and inevitably regret it. Of course, that is what it is.

So, I guess I've learnt at least one thing. Is it all consumptive habits? In other words, has there ever been a situation where I have done something productive, and regretted it? To my mind no: even if I do something and it wears me out, I only ever potentially feel I haven't accomplished enough.

I suppose then, I know what to do. I must try to avoid consumption, and increase production. I go to the cafe each week, and spend a lot of money... at least about £30 each week now. So I need to stop, and potentially go elsewhere, for instance to the park, and make my own food... This reduces a potential for over-consumption, reduces the chance of over-purchasing, and means that I have an additional factor of production.

Is youth (I'm still youthful right?) about making mistakes in that fashion? I need to just experience making lots of mistakes in life, oh I've done it already, and then I can learn.

Talking of. Let's briefly summarise what I've gone over in the past few wvs.

I suppose changes I want to make are:

Try to be more consistent in terms of gym, guitar, and other things I want to improve.
Try to stop over-thinking about whether something is moral or not: in terms of riding a motorbike, or using plastic, I can of course do better or worse things, but I have to understand I lead an immoral life.
Try various things with e-mail and task management for work. Really, the main thing is that I get everything done without excessive delay that I can.
I want to use the phone less. This could maybe work quite well if I get another Casio (like the F91W - the strap broke on mine) and use it for alarms, timing, etc.

I suppose what I want to do is reduce my bar for entertainment, or my need of stimulus. By doing so, I will reduce the need for a phone (except for calls and texts) and can maybe even forego the browser altogether on the phone. On this laptop, I am generally fairly productive, so I suppose it works out.

(A woman just said to her daughter playing on the piano, "that's enough now, this man's trying to work"... I guess since I'm on the laptop it appears like I'm doing work, when really this is a recreational activity for me.

In a way, it's odd that my recreation is like this. I suppose recreation is about creation in a way, and is not meant to be consumptive. I have always felt though that my hobbies are little odd, given that most people would rather watch media, or do things of that nature. I do of course consume media, but I see it as something bad, vicious (vice). I instead want to aim towards being productive, and getting to a good state. I rarely manage it, but I guess that is what it is.

I suppose over time, my interests have changed. This year, I'm going to focus on the gym and guitar. Allotment will resume focus next year, I tell myself. I honestly am not sure that's fully going to happen: I am going to struggle to continue with the gym and guitar, which are not going to be at an adequate state by next year, and also manage the allotment to the extent I did last year.

I was thinking of a half-yearly review, but I suppose my annual review (yer) will suffice. Come December, I hope I'll have something to say. That I'm getting better in terms of guitar, building strength from the gym, etc. Slow progress, very slow progress. I just want to improve over time I suppose.

Well, 1000 words. This one was in no way worth reading. I feel as if I reiterate, repeat the same thing a lot. I suppose I have to to make up 1000 entries? I should try to pick more specific topics, or write words on something that I have just studied, which entails studying.

Ok, have a good one.