2024-08-18
I think there is a kind of change of affect that happens when something is pursued repeatedly over a long period of time. Inevitably, hurdles are overcome by changing the way in which the activity is pursued, but in a way which keeps it essential essence. For instance, when I initially began logging in 2020, I kept a track of just about everything (receipts and finances, exact times I performed activities, etc). Later, most of that systematic logging fell away, as there was no real use for it, and it was particularly cumbersome. What remained was the part of the logging I dubbed "lle", or life log entry: essentially, a diary or journal. I initially kept this in Word files, but then moved onto keeping them in plaintext files as I moved onto Linux, creating a script which would automatically create the file with the right name and in the right place. Around the start of 2023, I began to move away from writing on the laptop to instead writing on paper, which I have now done ever since; however, I now am writing this wv project, which I am mainly writing on the computer again, as I want it to be uploaded to the website and want to spare myself the need to transcribe. And so, in the four or so years I've been tracking and journalling myself, it has undergone evolution in various directions. In addition, the contents of the journal have changed, and I have become far more open in writing about aspects of myself I dislike. With the change to wv, and the knowledge that this will be public, I now censor myself a little more, and write uncensored items in my journal instead. I suppose even this too may change with time.
Really, though, I could not have envisioned these changes that have happened. I wonder what will happen in terms of wv. Over the course of a thousand entries, I am bound to change the way I write, potentially explore consciously new manners and modes of writing. I may change the topics I write about, becoming more or less systematic, or deliberate on different ideas. For instance, around 2022 and 2023 I had a deep interest in philosophy, and particular the Metaphysics of Quality. I still believe in the MOQ, but do not think so much about philosophy, instead currently worrying about productivity of sorts. As a result, philosophy has barely featured in my writing, instead these being a rather dull kind of "here's what I want to do", and deliberating on best courses of action, criticism of myself that I do not accomplish as desired, etc. I'm not sure this is healthier, though currently I take a Keynesian approach: greed and vice must be my gods for a little longer still. I only want to keep these sins around for as long as they benefit me - a hundred years as our society has of Keynes' message is too long. As such, my writing and actions both reek of a lack of Quality, the kind severely felt when having to observe the actions of corporations, slow, bumbling, overheavy. Foul in a way, actions guided by sin and vice alone. Never the fluidity of pianist finding the next note. Yet I've a thousand entries to write! I am only at 29. It is a far cry away from even an hundred, and then I've that tenfold to do! I believe some form of change will be inspired, that will allow me to continue writing.
For instance, at the beginning of this, I initially wrote largely on specific topics, and tried to come up with actual topics to write about. However, I am not particularly well-read enough to discuss anything with any real depth or determination, and so at one point merely wrote about the leaf of a nasturtium, that I had no other ideas... ever since, the writing has mainly been about the best way to handle tasks, what actions I ought perform, what vices I have and the nature of vice, ... disgusting topics, yet such is my state at present.
As such, I merely wonder what kind of changes in my personal state will occur naturally, and how these will reflect on the content of my wordvomits going forwards... also, how the necessity of writing thousands of words will force a change in my modus vivendi, modus scribendi, where I can't repeat ad infinitum the same, ever the same, ideas...
I guess I'll observe it with time. It is a daunting thought. At only seven entries in, I was already out of ideas, and yet here I am at 29.
I had, for the past two years or so, a crush on a girl at work. There has been some restructuring of sorts going on, and now I don't see her anymore - I saw her last in May. I'm writing as I realise that I sort of no longer have feelings for her - feelings tend to go within a few months after not seeing someone, it seems. The last crush I had before this was on a girl from school, which lasted a full two and a half years. This one lasted just under two years.
I'm pretty sure she (the girl from work) wasn't interested in me. I had a more delicate composition when I first met her, and I think the combination of her being both beautiful and kind to me was what got me. Of course, she was just doing her job. I never really spoke to her all that much - occasionally in the kitchen, but that was really it. A combination of social anxiety (which, though I don't like to self-diagnose psychology language, is probably what I had, or the holdover of it, at least) and being generally shy around the girl I like stopped me from really interacting with her much. To add to this, she was what you might call a "real person": she was sociable, fun, but it never seemed too serious. At one point after a night out, as I walked to the station with her, she grabbed my arm in a playful way. I know it was just her having fun, and yet I managed to squander the occasion. I said things by accident that probably hurt her, and by the end of it she seemed like she only wanted to get away. My fault, I'm an insensitive bastard.
Yet, though I really wasn't planning to pursue anything for a long while (conscious decision) and was mostly waiting for the feelings to dissipate, now they have, I feel oddly no different. In a way, I wish I had actually tried to pursue it, or at least just to get rejected. I've changed now, though, and will really avoid crushes in future. My goal is self-improvement now, which entails improvement in social matters also. If I end up with feelings, I'll actually talk to the person, and try to ask them out - it will at worst put a brief end to the feelings, and save me a lot of time.
So, that's that. I'm only really writing about it as I've noticed that the feelings are gone. I also won't really be seeing her again, I don't imagine. I do sort of wish I had been kinder to her, though. I let my shyness be my excuse for being insensitive and cruel. Not that I actively did anything bad, or tried to hurt her, nor do I think she really cares. I imagine she knew, and just thinks of me as "that shy guy who was crushing on me", and doesn't think too much about it.
So, crushes. Why are they called that I wonder? Does it crush me? Are the feelings so weighty they crush the other person? Or do they crush ambition, or my chances?
Either way, it's in the past now. I'm fairly happy.
There is a major problem with scheduling too much: it's bloody dull. How can I find the time to stay up late at night (like I did last night), or do something on a whim, or stay out later than I intended to, if I'm constantly forced to kill my fun with the pain of a schedule and a fixed half-nine bedtime?
Is it better to just try to do it most of the time, but not all the time? I saw on [a blog post by Lars Christian](https://lars-christian.com/losing-my-writing-streak/) the line: 9500 out of 10,000 days is better than 83 out of 83. I feel this is essential: slack is necessary to keep things going. And so, if I want to enjoy myself, maybe it's best to try for say, five out of seven good days a week. Or, just if there is something else that I want, I can do that and not worry too much.
Cool, that's all for today. I ended up discussing productivity again... my, I'm boring.
Have a good one!