2024-08-22
It's only the morning, on the train to work, but I'm feeling a bit tender today.
I started last night to go to bed at twenty past ten, then realised I needed to go for a walk. So I did, and it was an hour and a half, and I returned at midnight, to get to bed and wake up at five. I know I dreamt, though I can't remember what of; I woke up at five-thirty though feeling as though I hadn't had enough time. Not that I hadn't slept enough, just that I needed more time. To sit, and think, or something like that.
Then I walked to work. I felt, as I say, a bit tender. On the verge of tears. I couldn't possibly cry - it's been years since I've cried at all, and I'm completely repressed in that way. Joys of being male. But I really didn't feel great.
On the station, I felt bad too; it smacks of the time three years ago when I wanted to move joy - I stood on the station and cried internally. I wonder if it is the time of year - 'September blues', of sorts. I felt this way Sept '21, but I'm not sure if I felt like it last year or the year before.
I'm not sure exactly what it is. I was thinking on the way here, I'd like to try see if this is a thing that happens every year around this time. Or be able to track when I'm feeling down and so work out what is going on, and what is causing the problem, a little better... Really, it could be any number of things. It could be work, it could be the mindset I've adopted over the past four months, the lack of philosophy, or just the more local tiredness... I am pretty tired, and have been going to bed extremely late the past while. I think that could go pretty far to explain it. Would I feel silly if I am contemplating it to be something deeper, more pressing, and in reality it was just a lack of sleep?
I know I do feel bad if I've gotten less than enough sleep. I read this morning a person's schedule where he only got five hours sleep a day. I couldn't muster that: I need at least seven to feel good. Today I only got five. I really ought to start re-prioritising sleep.
It seems as if, when I try to do something, things always slip out of balance somewhat. As in, in the last week, I've not practised guitar, not drawn, barely done any exercise (comparatively), not slept well, but have written a huge amount on wv (some nine entries), and have ... well I don't know what else. I have done some work on the new system (neo) and scripts for it, and the website. I suppose I've also wasted a lot of time.
Either way, things always slip out of alignment. One or two things is prioritised above other things, and I begin to lose a good sleep schedule, or eat poorly, or do not read or write much... then, I begin to feel worse and worse, as I am not putting my health and my interests to good effect, instead trying to maximise one particular thing at the expense of everything else. By way of this, I feel extremely weak and unhappy, and end up getting to a point where I'm not really able to cope. I feel tired, and drained, and miserable and so realise I have to bring things back into alignment.
The question is whether this is bad. Inevitably, as I am human, I will always let things slip if they stay too long the same. In fact, I sort of don't want that perfect life, where everything stays optimal, but at the same time I can never appreciate optimal. That is the inertia I feel when talking about a nine-to-five job for the rest of my life: maybe I want something different, instead of being forced into the same routine over and over. I want a shakeup occasionally. When I maximise one thing at the expense of everything else, and so fall into a bad mood, I understand the value of living a balanced life. I understand what it is, what it feels like, to be on both sides: virtue, and sin.
And so, I will continue to live like this, I think. Perhaps it is a seasonal thing, perhaps not. I suppose I need more years of evidence to confirm or disconfirm the theory. Regardless, it doesn't really matter. If I work on getting my sleep in a decent position, I can let it lapse here and there to fulfil the kind of disequilibrium that I require. Then I can let it return to normal, and get back into a decent routine. The thing I need to understand with routines is that it doesn't matter if it lapses a little, or if I have days where I don't do it, either due to lack of will or whatever else it may be. Instead, what matters is the aggregate: if I don't go to the gym one week or two or ten, it doesn't matter that much overall, but as long as I go most weeks, I'm set. I can gain muscle in that way, yes not as well, but still decently. Instead, I've spent this week not going to the gym, and feel fairly bad for it. I could just say, I'll pick it up next week, and as long as I do, that's good. In a year's time I'll see progress. In fact, I'm seeing it already: I can manage several pull-ups now I never used to be able to manage. I have larger biceps now than before. These kinds of things. Gradual gains.
On the guitar, I'm improving still, as well. It's just a matter of consistency: I need to keep on going, even if I miss a week or two I can't let it stop me. Perhaps the idea is to give priority to those things that are missed, so they can be brought back up to sleep.
Maybe. Ok, I'm going to sleep a bit now before I arrive. Have a good one.