2024-08-22
It is now the end of the work day, and I write this almost as if I write my usual journal, except that I open this first for some semblance of progress, when it is merely a trick of counting, an accountant's acrobatics. Of course, the mere fact of this being public and constrained to a thousand words does not really warrant its prioritisation over the usual journalling that I perform, nor ought I want it to, nor should it, replace my usual journalling. That said, I do have topic to discuss, albeit personal. Is it then bad to write it in this form, as opposed to another? I suppose I have a thousand of these to play with, and so if I squander one it does not particularly ruin the overall quality, nor does it cause the task to be any easier in realising, nor does it reflect badly on my character as a whole, the aggregate of each of these individual entries; rather, it reflects on a potential flaw in my current circumstance, which I should willingly (and potentially publicly) put to paper (or, in words) so as to make it discernible for my future self!
Metatalk (metalk) over, I want to write about myself. Particularly, I want to write about the feelings I had this morning. A certain tenderness of constitution. A proclivity to tears, without the ability ever to cry. I of course am now a work day away from that self, and feel altogether different... not that I was not tender during the day, but rather that I am somewhat better put together, or more stable in a way. It is as if by some sheer shaking a jenga set slipped into a stable arrangement. Or not unlike those tricks of chemistry one sees where a mere impact is enough to rearrange a liquid into a solid, cristalline structure. Perhaps without the fanfare, that is something approaching the situation.
Feelings are fleeting. I suppose that is what I want to say. It is the usual Buddhist saying: this too shall pass. Interesting, of course, that that statement is meant to describe the state of all things, and yet it is instead used in a way to alleviate the poor feelings that one experiences.
Feelings are odd. They come and go, like all things. I wonder whether it is good to seek to avoid negative emotions. Even so far as, I dislike to take paracetamol, because I worry I am not earning my keep: I think I should take the pain, and the mental anguish, as a... punishment? (that is already here) for my other moments of mental clarity. Not that I suffer from particularly incapacitating headaches, though I do occasionally get those where the pain spreads as far as the eyes, and it hurts to look... I've been told that is a migraine. Am I not just causing myself unnecessary pain?
Fleeting feelings have fluttered away from my foughts... sorry thoughts. Now, foreign flights. Is it evil of me to load two topics into the one wv and act as if I'm capable of writing more than some 507 words on a single topic?
Discussion at work today: do I go on many holidays abroad? I told that I do not believe I have been on any since I am an adult. But that I want to go to Italy, or Norway this year. I have decided, essentially on the prompting of my colleagues, and my pre-existent desire, that I will go to Italy then this year somewhen, and then to the Lake District, and then to Norway in about January for the winter (hopefully I can see Northern lights, or the winter market if that is on around then, or just explore Norway... it would be a good opportunity to put my Norwegian (norsk - see? I still got it!) to some use). Three holidays, on my own, two of which will require flights. I suppose I am doing something that is fairly typical for most people but which feels bad to do for me. At the same time, I just need to acknowledge that it is not as grievous as I think it to be. I'm allowed to enjoy myself.
For Italy, I think I will visit Bologna. I would of course like to see Venice, and my grandma tells me it is the most magnificent of places, but of course, I know it will be full of tourists, or pollution, or whatever it may be, and I will suffer Paris Syndrome and feel horrid. I could just about manage it with Cheddar Gorge, as the Gorge was still quite nice, even if the town of Cheddar put me off to no end. The tourist district, and the averting of the eyes whenever someone walked passed you on the pavement, and the cars and noise... it's horrific. I feel as though I would go into some kind of panic attack if I were to experience that at Venice. There are of course many other places, but I feel those too will be too busy. Bologna... I really want it to be fairly beautiful, with the ability for me to somewhat of a tourist, but not to feel as though I am causing damage by my sheer presence.
For the Lake District, I can just go to Windermere or Ambleside and do as is fairly usual. I dislike Ambleside somewhat if I'm honest, but it doesn't take long to get to somewhere significantly more beautiful, and in a way, the corruption is contained a little, if that makes sense.
For Norway, I really don't know. I might roam about. I could even take two weeks: I will have the holiday from next year at that point, I reckon. I would of course have to stop by Oslo, if anything just to see the urban planning... Also, to go to several other places though. I could go Stavanger, and up north somewhere to get to see the lights, with any luck...
Hold on, I'm just planning holidays and calling it a wv!
I suppose it reveals somewhat of my mental state also, and anyways, wv is meant to be unstructured, meant to be unimportant.
I think this really will be good for me though. I'll of course be going on all of these holidays alone: I do appreciate a bit of time to myself, and it afford me the ability to talk to people a little, and not feel forced to move on from a place when I don't want to yet. I like to be able to go at my own pace, and occasionally do things that are going to be difficult to do with others around... For instance, if I encounter animals (squirrels, goats, whatever else) I tend to lock eyes with them, for ten or fifteen minutes. It's oddly captivating. There is a vulnerability in both the animal and in me, a terror of the unknown and unknowable. I couldn't convince someone on a holiday to wait about whilst I stare at a goat for a quarter of an hour. I doubt I'll see many animals in the cities I'll be visiting, but the point stands, that there is always a tension if there is more than one person. So, three holidays alone this year. It'll be somewhat difficult in a foreign country (Italy) where I don't know the language. I'll have to figure it out, though, somehow. Norway might be a little easier, though I'll have to brush up on my Norwegian. Lake District will be fine.
Fun. I guess that's that. I just need to nail down some dates, and get to planning.
(Oh, I also need to go to Devon at some point as well, to sit my RHS exam. That might well be next year, or if I have to do it before I can continue, I suppose I can try force this year. I think it happens at set points, so I'll just have to spare a week for it next year.)
Well, that's that. Have a good one. Hopefully, as and when I go on these holidays, I'll have a good one too.