2024-08-23
What exactly is need? I the other day felt as if I needed a walk...
Of course, we use need for things we do not strictly need. What is that which is strictly necessary? Well, theoretically nothing, as necessity is a relative term. Necessity is always relative to a state, and a given external thing is either necessary, beneficial, or unneeded for that state to be achieved.
To take the most basic example, water and food are necessary for survival. Sex is often deemed as necessary (Maslow's hierarchy of needs) but is not strictly necessary for survival of any one individual; it is necessary to the survival (or propagation, rather) of the wider species, but to an individual it is mainly only necessary to sate the sexual urges. My walk was not necessary, save for sating my depression, or, rendering myself in a state which is better with regards to my mental state.
I was always told a child that I don't need something, I want it. That was generally before I was then denied said thing. The unstated here is that I do not need it for my survival, but that I want it, namely, need it for the satisfaction of my desires.
Wants then are just desires after things. These things may bring about a temporary boost in happiness but will not produce any longer-lasting better state of affairs. If I want to go for a walk however, this will both produce a temporary (if small) boost in happiness, and will produce an (if small) longer-lasting better state of affairs. For instance, I may feel better on the subsequent days, or may be less inflamed, or whatever it may be... Weight-lifting if wanted will produce a longer-lasting better state of affairs.
The good desires, it seems, are those desires which are wanted to benefit or please primarily or additionally the future self, whereas the bad desires are those that benefit the present self. Then again, the desire I had last Tuesday to buy myself chocolate spread has generated satisfaction for my future (now present) self in eating, but has detrimented my future self and his health... What then exactly is it? I suppose my actions in the present of actually eating the chocolate were bad desires/actions and so, I could argue, any present action which either is bad in itself or facilitates or brings about or is solely relating to a bad action in the future is bad. Conversely, any action that either is good in itself or facilitates or brings about or is solely relating to a good action in the future is good. Not sure if that works, nor do I really care.
I need to leave now, so I'm going to pick this up when I get back...
I'm so bad at it. I just want to be happy.
The ever-growing pressure is work; the midde-class pressure is work. I suppose the odd thing is, I am at a fairly junior position, and already I am hither and thither (sedentarily) and have many responsibilities, and too much to do, and not enough time to do it all in. I used to have a job where I had a good degree of leisure; I feel as though in many lines of work in the city, there is secretly that leisure that pervaded. People would go to the pub of a lunchtime, or go out for drinks in the evening... I do not feel I can really do that, owing to the economic pressure (a drink is £7 or so in the city, so after a few drinks I'm poor) nor am I particularly social anyways. I suppose in a way, all things both circumstance and personal failings, but of course I could also do these things to an extent.
Work seems to be almost bulging, trying ever constantly to exceed any limit that is placed on it. Largely, it is confined, but occasionally I do work a little in the evening to lessen the burden a bit... then again, I do also have times in the day when I am fairly lax in terms of getting things done, as does everyone...
It is strange how, in this modern world, where we should have it so much better, it seems instead we are ever strained to do more, output more, be more productive, accomplish more, instead of being somewhat satisfied. The usual explanation is of course capitalism; Graeber explains it as the rise of a new class who coast on little real labour being produced, but oddly, I am a part of that class (being an insurance worker - fake work) and yet the pressures are ever mounting to get things done quickly and expeditiously. Why? The economy is of course in a bad way, but where did the money go? Where did the value, in absolute terms, go? Surely, it's ever increasing?
Aside from two crushes (one at school, one at work) I've never experienced love. Crushes aren't love anyways; they're infatuation. I read a romance recently, The Last Train Home, which was in my opinion really good, and I suppose I don't quite understand love. I know what it is, and I suppose the aspects associated with it I understand too, but I guess I don't know it so fully... It's easy to have ideas going into it, but I can't pretheorise, and as and when it actually happens, I'll have to write excessively about it then and try to work out the specifics of it. I wonder if I will know enough to do well in that regard. All theory, no practice, but at the same time I need a little theory, just enough not to kill myself.
I suppose it's too early to theorise. At the moment, I'm working on myself, though progress is slow, and I'm not sure I'm focussing on the right things. I've been arguing with my mum quite a bit recently (I've been going out for walks late at night, which worries her) and I suppose I don't know how to argue. I think also me and her have a way of arguing with each other that we've build up over time, that isn't quite healthy. I don't think it's right to say that a good relationship would involve a lack of arguing, but I think it's sensible to say that there is a good and a bad way to argue, and I'm not sure what defines a good argument what not, in terms of conflicts between fundamental desires, and the actions that pertain to it. She says I have a lack of respect for her worrying, and I think it's just a way of guilting me, but in the same vein perhaps it can easily be interpreted as a lack of respect, my actions. I want a little freedom, even if I do still live at home...
Hmm. Perhaps I should work on moving out.
I'm going all over the place in terms of topics... I am quite frivolous with my spending at the moment, and also do not particularly track my finances... I think I should tighten my purse strings a little. I should probably budget. For instance, I could budget with X a month, and allocate the rest properly into savings, an ISA, LISA, etc. I really need to do that before I end up back at April next year not having properly invested.
It is strange, but I suppose I really do need to block out time to get things done. For instance, if I have a list of items, such as sorting out the bank, and other things that are sort of on my "todo", I need to block out time to do each of these and just get it all sorted, as soon as I can. And do it properly, and in the way that spares me labour going forward. Something like that.
Ok, I'll call it a day here. I have too much to think about. I'll go for a nice walk now. Have a good one.
(In terms of topics, these have gotten really rambly... I do need to reel it in a little. I should try to structure them a little. Also, the podcast (so far, no episodes released) has sort of fallen by the wayside. I could probably benefit from reviving it. At least I keep myself busy, I guess.)