2024-08-24
At the gym this morning (first time I've been the whole week, not nearly enough, but at least I've been once) I felt fairly proud of the progress I've made on my arms. On the other hand, I notice that my stomach is still massive, and feel disappointed with the progress that I (not) made in that regard.
Odd though, that I feel something resembling pride, or happiness for the state I am in and the actions I've taken to accomplish this. Yet, I have not actually done anything to achieve these actions. Each action I perform is an action performed in the present, but the present state I am in is because of the actions of my past self. This takes a certain responsibility off of me, because it means that the faults of my present self are at least partly because of my past self, but also potentially it just means I can't just be happy with what I've done. Or maybe I can try have it both ways?
Really, it's good to look at it somewhat impartially though. I know that I have not done particularly well in terms of training my stomach, or losing weight (more important) and can focus on that.
Upon the thought of training my stomach, or such things, there is a certain reluctance towards it. It is almost as if, because I have achieved some modicum of success with my arms, that are now in a much better state, I would rather focus on this than on another part of my body to bring it to par. I wonder if reluctance (I have heard a term like 'cognitive friction' before) is a good proxy for whether an action is worth pursuing. Always pursue that which is harder to do, cognitively.
(I need to remember that practice is spelt with a c when a noun, and an s when a verb. I know it well, yet seem to always make the mistake.)
In a way, I think my problem is one of too much theory, and too little practice. For instance, I try to think my way out of social matters, and try to work out what I ought do, when the correct way to engage in social matters is to try to do the best by them I can, when they occur, and to try to ensure they occur more often in my life (get more friends?) and spend some degree of time analysing my behaviours after the fact, to see where I need to look to do better. I cannot really pick out my flaws just by thought alone: even when I think, it seems little floats up to the surface. That for me is partly the problem with reflection: I never accomplish particularly much, because I cannot observe directly, likely as there is nothing to observe directly, when not confronted with evidence of the matter. If I am completely mindful in some sense and only pay attention to the direct state of affairs (immediate, dynamic Quality), then I cannot notice anything if I just sit under a tree, as there is nothing to notice there as relates to the social occasion. I can notice the infinitude (or nigh infinitude) about the tree, yet not the social circumstance, if there isn't one... I must alter my circumstance to create the social situation (or, bring it about, as relates to myself) and then I can be "mindful" and observe. Then, I can try to improve from there, I suppose.
At present, I hide away in theory, anything that can be done from my bedroom I prefer, generally. For all the things I do to try improve myself: studying, reading, practising (with an s) guitar, writing; they can all be done from the comfort of my bedroom! But of course, I am then in a way sitting under a tree, if a more depressing one, and with a more meagre infinitude (infinite nonetheless), and not exposing myself to the world. I need to remove myself from this situation and find other situations, and can observe these...
I notice, for the past few days, I've been writing more, but struggling to find things to write about. I have been loading each of my wvs with several topics, about which I write a little, but never a full thousand words. Potentially, I am running out of ideas, and I do certainly feel as though that is happening to me. It is strange: how can I be running out of ideas? I may even grow dispirited: how will I make it to a million if already at 36k (or, about 40k, as I write a little in excess of 1k each time) I am barely about to write solidly and coherently about a single topic? Also, I notice that I have a sort of pressure to write, given that I do want to make good progress, and that I have written quite a lot in the last week or so (being able to write about a wv each day, sometimes several in a day), even though I am running out of ideas or will need to spend some time *not* writing to get my thoughts together in a way where I can then write a thousand on each.
I feel as if I don't have the time for it. Of course I do, and I always squander countless hours of the day away...
I wonder if I should just try to focus heavily on one thing at the moment. If so, what? The gym? Guitar? The study I must do? I don't want to just focus on one thing; I did that as a teenager, and it was fun as I was truly impassioned about only the one thing. Now I've a passion for several things, or at least a passing desire, I want to be able to do several things, but it never works, it never works!
I've always liked the lyric, from Ame to Capucchino: ikikata hitotsu oshiete hoshii dake; haraeru mono nante boku ni wa mou nai kedo.
Nani mo kotaerarenai nara, kotoba hitotsu demo ii yo... I wonder if this the same person to reply. Can I give a reply that is only a single word? I can give a reply of many words, but if I had to put it in a single word, wouldn't it be the one already given to me? Wakaranai yo.
There is no clear answer, it seems, and I so terribly wished there was. Then, if there was, would it sit well with me? I doubt it. I'm only 23 and I've of course a long time to discover it, if I do at all.
What do I really want? I want to create something beautiful, something poetic, something worthwhile, something good, and want to be beautiful, poetic, worthwhile, good. At least in my own perception. Employment work cannot create beauty; it creates commodity, nonbeauty. Philosophy I suppose creates beauty, but in a way it feels false... And generally, I feel as if I don't have the skill to create something in words or art or music that is beauty. Yet, I could say, to alleviate the emotion, but it doesn't help the present situation.
Perhaps, by sheer virtue of bringing my mind, my failed mind, with me to any pursuit or passion or pleasure or project or performance I do, it will be of inherent ugliness to me.
Perhaps also, I just need to follow what I said above. I cannot attribute any good present circumstance I have to myself; I must attribute it to the collective good work of my previous selves. Then, if I want at some point now to be in a situation where I will have the kind of capacity as I say to pursue beauty, which is naturally very far from me at the moment, then I must act now in a way just to allow a future self to be able to, hopefully, access something approaching beauty. In a way, even by writing this wv, I am allowing my future self to see that I have done a good job in writing consistently. Perhaps the words written themselves aren't particularly beautiful, nor do they have much substance, but the sheer magnitude of the task, and the dedication required, is in itself something of beauty, I guess. I could be proud of myself, if I get to a hundred entries, or five hundred, or a thousand, and know that it is my own (past selves') hard work that has brought it about.
I say all this, and yet I've decided to sit here listening to Some Girls are Bigger Than Others (The Smiths - banger tune) instead of actually practising my guitar, which I have neglected for the past five or so days, and which I really do want to improve in... Why don't I actively make the right decisions, I wonder. That said, it is ten now, so I probably shouldn't (don't want to wake the neighbours; they'll think it's the foxes again).
So, in terms of wv, what will I do? I am running out of ideas, but as I've said before, I was running out of ideas by 0007, and I'm now 29 after that... But I also do want to stop the kind of rambling that I've been doing quite a lot. I also don't suppose I want it to be fully dry, and partly, wv is supposed to be very free. I would also like to try some more structured, proper, writing, or writing here things that I can then later touch up and put together for a story (I still want to write Erica, though I doubt I will ever get around to doing it properly). I'm not sure if it wouldn't be wise to, if I want to write, to try something a little easier, like a short story, first. Also, do I want it to be "light" and "trashy" (like that The Last Train Home book I just read) or do I want it to be more properly written, more artistic, literary, in a way? Likely the latter, though I don't know if I've the skills for it. Also for poetry - I'm not very good at writing poetry, exactly. Anything I've written so far is, frankly speaking, terrible. Well, always time to write more.
I'll stop now. I think that wv can remain fairly unstructured, but I should try to write on a particular topic, if I can, or perhaps write other things too. I suppose I'm still not sure what skill this is building up (resilience? obstinacy?) and so not sure what else I can do that will cultivate different skills. That said, I suppose knowledge of that kind will come to me eventually, if I just... am obstinate enough.
With that said, have a good one.