2024-09-02
Writing what I almost certainly shouldn't, or what will cause some amount of employment issues or something I don't know, but I really do not care. It's about the feeling and less about the work.
As an aside, I like the play on maladious and melodious. The latter is the better state, like music, flowing, free, light, where the former - just a single sound in difference - signifies pain, distress, sickness. It is a harsh word merely by the sound, yet change the one sound, and it is music pure...
I don't enjoy my job. I haven't done for awhile, well, really since I started it. I told myself when I started, seeing certain things that set me off, that I would leave at Christmas if it didn't improve. That was 2022. It got to Christmas, nothing had improved save for my mood a little, and I am still here coming to the end of 2024. I've just not managed to leave.
I could give certain things I dislike about the place I'm at. For instance, at one point I was e-mailing somebody to get approval for something. It turns out the person was no longer responsible or able to approve it, so what would you expect him to do? I would say he could just shoot me a message, hey, look, I don't do this anymore, ask someone else. Instead, he ignored my e-mail three times, then forwarded it to my manager's manager saying that I was hassling him, who passed it down to my manager who then had to issue an e-mail to the entire team that it shouldn't be done, *not naming names* was what he said. I think it could have been dealt with in a much simpler way.
Generally, that one instance helps show the overall disease affecting the corporation. It's very impersonal in a way. There are very rarely social events (unless they are organised for the whole company; our team rarely just goes out on lunches by ourselves); my boss is extremely busy, to the extent that I've seen him working at three in the morning on a Sunday, and other silly hours like that; these kinds of things. I really just don't like it here, and I don't feel like I thrive in this kind of an environment, almost sort of a bit hustle culture-y. The work is very ad hoc and random, and the processes are terrible; we're currently implementing a solution but it's taking years (it started soon after I joined, and it's still quite far from done)... just a lot of Excel and that sort of thing. A lot of manual work, and the data quality is pretty poor. I really am not enjoying it.
That said, whilst I can criticise the company all I like, I also just am not cut out for this kind of a job, and am in a sizeable way responsible for the pain I feel. I think I want something a bit like my previous job, that had the annoyance of people who talk too much (but, they still manage to get the work done, because workloads are manageable) and which had some degree of downtime, and is a bit more structured. For instance, I used to get a fair bit of downtime (a couple days) where I would still do some work but wouldn't have too much to do (provided all was well, which it typically was), at the end of each month after a month close. We do not have any month close process at all. It's not really like that. I think the lack of downtime is what might be giving me the stress and the worry. Now, about the actual feeling.
The feeling is one in my chest, in the middle of the ribcage as is where a decent amount of feelings reside. The heart, I suppose. It has an element of queasiness, and comes with a slight lethargy of the surrounding area. It appears impervious to movement. In a way, it slightly goes if I breathe slowly, but not entirely... It is a reluctance of a kind, a desire not to work, yet an understanding that I must. That sort of thing.
Really, I've been getting a bit down lately anyways, and I'm not sure what it is. I have been having worse sleep, and been being less disciplined about going to bed at half nine. When I get up in the morning as well, it is still dark, so I cannot really wake up fully in the way I want to. I wonder if that is what it is: September blues, caused by the desire at the time that it is getting colder to go on walks late at night (for the pleasantness of it), and the shortening days which are making me a tad more depressed, or at least not giving me the same kind of stimulation/cortisol rise early in the morning as desired. That could be it. I'm not overly sure, to be honest; it also seems like the lack of sleep is not what comes first, as I feel down to begin with, and as a result go for late night walks. Last year, I did this, but did not overly feel down, I don't think at least. That said, my mood more generally was poor last year, and I would have believed if I was down and just did not notice it as anything especially different.
As an aside. Last night we went to the allotment and cut back quite a lot with a pair of shears. The plot is looking a lot nicer, and tidier now! The large weeds (I thought were dogbanes but on research that's something different, I'm not sure what they are) are now cut back, and the plot is a lot tidier. I will need to keep up the work, of course, but it's a very good start! I really do want to get the plot looking good again, and though it is a bit late to sow anything, I can get it in good shape for next year. Over the winter, less will grow and I can have a bit of time to get it in a decent shape (and cover the beds over as well).
Talking of melodious, I've been listening to a lot of The Smiths, in particular Bigmouth Strikes Again. It's a beautiful song...
I wonder if I am listening to music so much in a way to alleviate the feeling I have that is suboptimal. As in, I listen to music now even on the way to and from work, where I used to just let myself sit with my thoughts. I still do sit with my thoughts on the train, and do still think even if I've music playing, but I wonder if I am trying to paper over some deficiency by listening to music so much. Oh, I don't know. I still don't even know if I get winter depressions; the only thing I do know is that bad sleep really ruins my mood. I guess it's partly due to bad sleep even today, though I slept well last night.
I've many years to figure it out, I guess. I imagine I'll hit forty and still not understand myself.
This one is probably a bad one; I feel as if I shouldn't talk about my job at all, or as if a prospective employer is going to read this and it will ruin my chances. I also in this post have focussed on faults with the employer and with the job, though as I mentioned I have a big part to play in my own dissatisfaction. When I do not get things done on time or have tasks hanging over my head I should have done I do always feel bad; the issue I suppose is that I quite often don't get the time to sort it out fully before more things come along. I just need to take things one bit at a time, and always make sure I finish something I start. Not doing that actually caused a lot of hassle and issue just recently, which is really a major reason for the bad mood as well. So, it's also my fault. I'm a bad person.
Anyways, I'll call it here. I really shouldn't talk about work and will try not to again. I wonder if I will someday get to a point in life where I feel content. Not just for a day or three, but for months, years at a time...
Have a good one.