2024-09-13
Today was a decent day. I got up late, not setting an alarm and being woken up at half nine to go to the cafe by my mum, and then doing a little study there, before going to the charity shop. I got three shirts, one of which does not fit and I will go back tomorrow to return, and the other two are quite nice. One is a large, quite gaudy and a part of a set. When I return tomorrow, I'm going to get the rest of them, as they are really quite lovely shirts (in my opinion; my mother and brother both said they look horrid (well, in less gentle terms)) if gaudy. Potentially I'll attach a picture somewhen. I'm lazy though... I need to make making these entries more gooder an easier thing, or well I don't need to...
I have tonight, instead of going to the sea and drawing as I had intended, mostly sat at home and written (slowly, very slowly) up the RHS question, and I've still got to transfer it to paper... Also, I've been looking at olea again. That was the project I wanted to write to go into what is good for health, initially begun on the idea that saturated fats aren't so bad as the media seems to make out, and in fact it seems to be consensus that they are, in a sense good, and that it is not good to replace them... but it seems also it could still be true in a sense that it is good to replace, up until about 10% of the caloric intake, SFAs with polyunsaturates, but not to replace with processed/refined carbohydrates? It is a very complex topic, and of course, the idea of refined carbs being a part of the problem ties in with the evils of fructose, and really, it is so intermingled and tangled up it is quite difficult to make sense of it all. That is not even considering the fact that the science (as always) is incomplete, and there is much dissension and contradiction between individual studies. Consensus seems to be difficult to reach on just about anything. Due to the complexity of the topic as well, any leap of logic seems to be on faulty ground: in fact, that was the entire problem with the diet-heart hypothesis in the first place, a premature leap of logic! So it's very difficult, and I don't think it'll be a finished document anything, rather, it would need to be regularly updated with new information. But it's worth a try?
Oh, and regarding diet, my chocolate milks with two teaspoons of sugar are causing inflammation it seems. I'm getting spots, which happens if I have too much sugar. I'll try... reduce the sugar I add to them? It is very bitter with no sugar at all, but I could try to get very close to it, or just learn to enjoy the flavour.
That said, I feel as if I'd be biting off more than I can chew if I try it. I have so much on, if I keep on adding things, I'll never do what I want to do. And I have been talking so much lately about what I am going to do, and not doing much of it... It is of course a bad thing, but I wonder if there is a solution...
Generally, the question is of whether there is an amount of leisure I can afford and feel good about myself, and of what nature this leisure could or should be, and in fact, if I should be trying to have leisure at all when I know there are things I should be doing, really. As in, I'm writing this wv, and I won't lie and call it productive, it is leisure for me, but also, I am not sure I shouldn't for instance, first finish my RHS module completely (I know I'll write it up before I go to bed - it's already ten though!) and then start doing all this leisure. In other words, I'm procrastinating, and it's not like it's not fun, but... isn't there a guilt there? I don't know... haha, I'm rambling again (awkward laugh of acknowledgement).
I've so many words to play with I don't need to feel bad about this kind of thing; sure, it's not exactly valuable, but I guess it is in the moment, to me, and that has it's own value? Even this meta-writing-about-writing has its own value in that I'm figuring out exactly what I want from this project, that I think I have mostly started because I needed content for the website, but without really realising what exactly I wanted to write about, or indeed, what to write, how to write... How to be. It's a wider problem. I am at least, in a way, exposing it to myself through the sheer excess of words. And the project forces me into a thousand entries, so I can ramble all I like, it just pads out the "excess" of each thousand words. In other words, anything I write over and about the thousand is free, and isn't helping me towards the goal, so I don't need to feel bad that I'm unfairly getting myself there through empty words. Well, still not entirely, but either way.
Enough meta. Back on topic: what is it exactly I can consider to be good behaviour? Am I just maximising for a good feeling? In that case, I want to avoid avoiding things in the moment that are going to persist and make problems for me in the future; the problem is, there is so much to do, and there is almost always going to be something hanging over my head. I could either choose to avoid it, or to do it tomorrow, or to do something more enjoyable today (like wv...) or I could just get it done. Setting deadlines feels to arbitrary and authoritarian and in its own way takes away a certain modicum of pleasure, and it's the pleasure I care about, that I can lead an enjoyable, stress-free (relatively) life.
So, if I want to do olea for instance, I could either try to get it done, and prevent a constant increase in scope, or set out the scope and try to work within that, getting it done at least partially, and then improve it over and over, or I could just keep going on about it without it ever being done. Oh yeah, the scripts for the website still aren't done! Will they ever be?
I think perhaps I say I'll finish it by the end of 2025. It's a distant deadline if there ever was one, but I think I could focus on getting, for now, the LM2 and RHS in a good position (of course, RHS I will be doing all next year as well, with an exam probably in February and the next exam in 2025 somewhen) and will need to just not allot my attention to too many things. I think, the guitar has been neglected now for quite a while, and I wonder if I will just end up leaving it, or whether I could pick it up again. Is it something that I could actually get to doing? In fact, even the gym is in a rather dire state, with it only happening maybe twice a week, and this week really only once. I guess I need to be a little harsher on myself, because I am being too gentle, and not progressing in the way that I want. See, I do feel good when I have less to worry about.
I still haven't looked at gtd either. It is about enumerating the inbox, which can then be turned into actual tasks and then knocked off. Basically, the point of the inbox, and of dealing with it each day, is to take things that are very vague worries and convert them into actual tasks that I can perform, to alleviate the worries that I have. I can in that way feel better because I know exactly what it is that I have to do, and once it's done, I've done it. In other words, it separates out the actual task into things I can actually get to work on, instead of sitting here with a vague worry in my chest, about things like work, and horticulture, and whatever else. In fact, I might hang up my hat for writing wv now and go work on that.
But basically, I don't think it's really asking too much for me to practise guitar each day and to draw as well when I get the chance. I don't do it because it's painful to do, and it's painful to do because I'm not any good at it, and I'm not any good at it because I barely do it. So I can break, using brute force, the first of these, and then I can become a little better, and in so being a little better come to enjoy it a little more. For instance, currently with guitar, I notice, because I haven't done it for a while, I end up feeling bad whenever I do it, and so don't want to do it. It's a cruel circle! A catch 22 of sorts. I can break it with brute force, though.
Is that it? I think that, but at the same time I'm not sure. And of course, in a more meta sense, I wonder if my lack of having anything to show, really, is a part of why I am so bad at pursuing things in that way. Then again, I also wonder, maybe prematurely, whether I am focussed on the wrong things, or what the right thing to focus on is. Is it career? Is it socialising? Friends? Family? Finding a partner? Or learning guitar? Sketching? Languages? I don't know whether I should revert to languages again, but of course I am trying to pick up Italian and dedicating less time to it than I would like... It's not great in a way, and entirely my own fault, and I know I should put say an hour a day into it... Is it too harsh to schedule everything in that way? Or is it necessary, if I am so undisciplined? I'm just not sure.
As in, let's take today. I've been very undiscplined, and not done what I ought to have. I haven't gone to the gym despite saying that now for however many days, and then didn't go draw at Leigh. The RHS still isn't done but it will be by tomorrow morning, I think. I think this is a point where I can't betray myself, and will need to just do the work before I go to bed. (Don't lie to myself, me!) But generally, I guess the whole thing is about avoiding pain for my future self. Or, if I keep on saying the whole thing is about... is it a matter of different perspectives on the same state of affairs, and my writing is sifting through perspectives trying to find the one that will bring me happiness? If so, does it bring me happiness in the moment, or in the future, or in a more general sense?
This then begs the question of, given that today is in a sense, not necessarily squandered, in that I did not exactly completely waste the day, or at least an outside observer might say I did not, but imperfect in some way, or not executed in the way I would exactly like, what is the course of action tomorrow? It's all well and good to say I should just take it as an individual day in itself, but my actions tomorrow are determined by my blunders today and to a lesser extent on previous days as well (by proxy): for instance, if I stay up late, as I will, writing this wv and then writing up the RHS, then I will be tired, and have to wake up later tomorrow. That will constrain the things that I can reasonably do tomorrow, without being so knocked out. But, let's enumerate what I do want to do tomorrow. I would like to go to town at least to sort out the clothes I got today and get the rest, and then I would go to the allotment. I may have some time in the evening, in which case I think it would be good to do a little work for work to make my Monday a bit less painful (I've too much to catch up on and it might be difficult). Alongside that of course, I could try to do some guitar or some drawing if I can find time. See, that's not too bad, and I could accomplish a fair bit. The key part I think is in trying to break chains of inaction, and mull over the things that are plaguing my heart, and then actually working to stop them plaguing me. As for work, a big thing that gets me is having tasks that are months old that I haven't been able to look at - of course the joy of work is that new things and tasks just pile on, and there is always too much to do and not enough time, but that really shouldn't stop me from, in a spare moment, prioritising the old tasks, getting them out of the way as best I can, and then trying with the new tasks. And if I have "BAU" tasks as they are called (as in, just regular work, as opposed to project work) I can get that done, and then simply quote it as the reason why I have not progressed with the project work; after all, it has to get done, and I can't really avoid it by putting it off, it just ends up getting worse. So, I think that is kind of what I need to do.
So, in terms of next week say. I've got the Tuesday of no work due to the trip up to London to visit the German embassy (oh, I will be so happy when I get my German citizenship - talking of, I'll discuss it after this paragraph), but then must I suppose for Monday consider the backlog of tasks, and make sure they get done, as the backlog is really what I want to avoid. I can make a note of all the things I want to get done in my personal life: for instance, I want to get at least an hour of guitar done, which I could do all in one night if I pleased, or I could do it over several nights. I want to go to the gym actually three times next week, and if I can't do it one night, then I'll do it in the morning. In fact, I think something like Monday, Wednesday (eve), and Friday would suit me. Then I try and get guitar and drawing done, and feel good about that, or at least resuming the habit. I can study LM2 on the train to work (Wednesday and Thursday) and get that done; I can generally do quite well if I do this. Of course, to maintain this, I'll eat a fairly healthy diet of mainly fats (using up avocadoes...) and protein (lentils etc) to get the gains from the gym. See, I could do quite well? And then Friday night I still get my movie night, and I could even push for a swim on Saturday?
That isn't including the duty of checking my emails, which involves doing a programming problem each day, but hopefully those won't take long. wv takes a little while too, but of course, I can just do it when I get spare time. I'll see how it all goes, I guess.
I sometimes get headaches very badly after work - it is not quite fully visual but it does cause me pain to see. I don't know the cause of it - stress from work? - but I really should try to alleviate it. It only seems to happen in the office, so maybe it's a problem with the screen setup? Contrast or something perhaps?
On Tuesday, we go to apply for German citizenship. I was talking with someone at work about that and possibly living abroad - he wanted to live in Canada (and had already applied for a six month visa) or South America/Argentina. I was wondering whether I would like to do that - we do have an office in Italy, and in a way I would like to see whether I couldn't maybe go out there to work and to stay, and just to see how it is in a different country. It might be a difficult ask at the company though, who I think would prefer me in the London office, and frankly they probably aren't too happy with my performance at the moment (or ever) and could well deny me on that ground. I don't know. But it would be good to go to Europe to explore and see how it is. I hope Bologna is nice - if so, I may well want to go to Italy and stay there for a bit. The main thing is that I can go to Europe - Germany or Italy or wherever - once I've got citizenship and it all becomes a bit easier with work and whatnot. Could be fun to explore about in my youth.
Ok, I've written too much. I need to actually get the RHS thing done, cause it's approaching half eleven now. Then sleep, then get up in the morning and be a responsible citizen.
I guess I'm in a funny mood again. I'm not sure why I keep on being in this strange mood - it's so horrible... but I guess it's my own fault. Have a good one all, with any luck I'll be back to normal tomorrow. Please?