2024-09-17
Likely too late for me to be pondering this, given the decision is somewhat made: to combine professional and personal and have it all under my name, is what I decided some time ago. I originally had a domain sateoki.xyz (terrible name) where I was going to put all of my personal stuff, and then gabbott.xyz. I still have this latter domain and it just redirects to my current domain and the one I will stick with probably for the indefinite future, gabbott.dev.
But I wonder: what of posting under an alias?
I was for a while a fair time ago trying to think of internet aliases that might be good for me to use. And now I am considering (still haven't done it) using Mastodon, or trying it out a bit, and am facing the prospect of having all of the writing I have done - the wvs - which I am actually somewhat embarrassed about - being publicly accessible to read, I am rethinking this in a fit of emotion. I guess it comes down to that I don't really like my writing, the way I write, or in many ways the person I am. Or, the person I am as I write. I feel as if I often come across in a bad way, for good reason, and so am not really proud to have written what I have written... especially knowing that a lot of it was not very long ago. This obsession with self-improvement and my vices has come about mainly this year from April, and I have been writing about it; I just don't know if I really want it to be public. Why? I'm not sure it matters much if it is public, and it ultimately serves as a record of the flaws of my current self (multitudinous) for me to reflect upon and notice how I've improved in five, ten, years I hope.
So, I really just want to consider: what are the merits both of posting in different places, and of having different names for oneself? The joy is partly that one can adopt different personalities, or aspects of oneself, without exposing and linking it all back to oneself, in essence giving an outlet for the self without needing to say "and that's me".
Of posting in different places, I actually don't suppose there is a benefit. There may be a benefit of syncing everything posted, say, to Bear Blog, if that is what you want to have, or have it as a side-blog covering a different topic. For me, though, no benefit.
I suppose the way forward is to just suck up the shame. I have to understand that I am a flawed person; people will judge me; I will judge myself; I have uncountably many failures to my name: that is who I am. I don't suppose it's entirely bad to have it public. In a way, it is a kind of honesty, though I am not sure it is the good kind, or in a way, I feel perhaps for me it is not good to be honest in that way?
I wonder if it stems from an insecurity why I am considering an alias. That said, there is an aesthetic aspect to it too. The internet of aliases means that people, in being anonymous, can be more open and true-to-themselves, where this is not really the case I feel if you have existing insecurities (or similar). This is something that often doesn't happen in real life, where a lot of people do not fully open are, or aren't true to themselves, when talking to people, especially if they don't really know them well. That is likely a deeper problem, though, and so the issue of not being fully open to people in real life (or, inhibited, perhaps) is related to the issue of not being able to be fully open on the internet, when going by one's real name.
One thing I notice with going under the real name is that people tend to have website that are just professional: all they have on them is just the CV, some career stuff, what they do for a job, a photo, etc. I think a website could also include the work-based things, or work stuff could be kept completely separate from it. Really, I'm not sure about integrating work, and it really depends on whether work is a thing you do to get the money necessary to live (which is what it is for me) or if it is something you are truly passionate about. The latter class is of course preferable, but I'm not quite there yet... Will I ever be?
As it goes, all of the the entries that I write under this wv are mostly getting feelings onto paper where it's a bit easier to process them. I have I suppose made my decision to be public and link it to my actual identity, and then I suppose any accomplishments I ever do in my life (and, if I keep writing this blog/whatever for countless years, then a veritable accumulation will at least exist) will show here, and I guess I can be proud of it? See, I think there must be a certain pride in, even if the writing to begin with is horrific and not at all representative of one's self, the transition in character over the years, visible in the words, would at least be something worthwhile. Maybe I'll become less rambly for instance? Though, if I've another 936 of these to write (see, 64 seems like an accomplishment until compared against the scope of the challenge)... I think I'll stay rambly.
That said. I do want to write a little in the way of fictional writing, and the link. I am not sure whether they belong under wv, or not... I think probably not, as they are less word-vomits than actual writing, in the form of fiction. Again, I really don't know what the scope of wv is, and how it compares to a blog, to prose or poetry if I ever write these... The argument, which I have in a way in my head, that if I will never get anywhere in terms of finishing this if I don't try pack everything and the dog into these doesn't really hold up to criticism: I probably won't get around to finishing it anyways, so trying to have it be a melting-pot of different styles and modes won't do. I need to make wv be unstructured, completely unstructured, writing, except for the rough imposition of a thousand words minimum; where prose has the constraint of a search for beauty; poetry that but in restricted writing form, whatever that may be; the blog potentially constrained then for life updates. So all of my ramblings that are pointless and just trying to make sense of my head are wv; life updates (the stuff people normally write on their websites, in other words) are blog; with any luck I can put things into prose and poetry sections, even though I've made very little in way of attempts to do anything for these yet. I think I want to try to become more artistic, creating something of a lasting beauty, not just scattered words, is all.
Well, whatever. I think that's helped me come to terms somewhat with the shame. I just need to remember: yeah, I do write in an abhorrent way, but that is me, now, and I can't shy away from it. I am trying to improve, after all. It'll be stashed away under the countless thousand words I'll have written by that time (whatever time it is), anyways. I've already written more or less 50k words in a month and a half. (I wonder if I could add monthly stats to my wv script to see what I've done each month - it could turn competetitive with myself, though). It'll be good in the end.
wv 0064. The leading zeroes clue me in: I'm still a long way from any kind of completion, and will be for many years. I'm going to have a lot of periods where I have nothing to write, too. I wonder, now I'm almost exhausting ideas, if I had any, if I'll have to face my first major writer's block soon. That'll be fun. I've had a few already, but they seem to disappear pretty soon... what if it is major?
Well, I guess I'll find out. 936 entries to go. Have a good one, all.