2024-09-20
My sister and my mum are tidying up the patio at the moment, and are moving about plant pots. I get worried, not just that their moving things about is neglecting things that are important (for instance, they have moved the garlic, but may have merged together the garlic I was keeping separate: there were two piles, but not clearly demarcated, for garlic for planting and for eating - if they've merged them I'll have to redo the work of separating them) but also in a way that things are just getting moved. I feel a tightness in my chest, and I guess I don't really know why. They off-handedly say things like, well, everything is dead, which is true for some of them and not for others. Some of the plants have run to seed or some pots are now empty.
I guess the fact is, I have neglected things this year, and they are not incredibly impressive. I understand that is not what they want; they want lots of abundantly, obviously pretty flowers, where what I provide is what I can manage whilst also focussing on other things. And really, I'm trying to bite off too much, and the allotment and gardening/plant-handling in general has kind of tapered off; I don't really find the time (not: I don't have the time, I certainly do, but I spend it on other things). As such, this year I have written a lot; I have progress on the scripts for the website a little; I have gone to the gym many times, but I have not done well in terms of gardening.
I guess I need to work out why it agitates me so much though. It is not as if it really has too much of an effect, but at the same time I certainly realise that it affects my confidence, or something like that, in some way. I end up in a way agitated by my own half-completion of it.
I suppose it is as I still want to be able to define myself as somebody who is good at horticulture or gardening, yet am being confronted by the fact that I am not actually very good at it. Or at least, I am not putting the time in to improve it and have something good to show about it. In fact, it is now the 20th, and the time I wanted to sow my onions has already passed; perhaps next year I just use sets instead?
I think I need to be a little more permissive on myself. Yet also, with regards to the allotment and for gardening, the approach I have decided in the previous wv 0067 -- to have individual atoms of activity and count up towards a thousand -- won't work. I will need to instead have a different system for making sure that I do what I want in terms of gardening and the allotment. I don't really know how. See, there is watering that is regular, but also I need to ensure I regularly go to the allotment; but because I go there for kind of the whole evening or as a full day thing if I go, then it is almost like I need to just mark a full day at the allotment, as opposed to just as passing visit, as one. And really, it is the result that matters, so it is more that I need to do all that is conducive to the final result, whilst also being flexible to the real life fact of it, and also allowing myself time to be slow, and to notice things.
Is it possible to do all of this at once? See, I just really don't know what counts as biting off more than I can chew, and it currently feels like I have a huge backlog of things, and no time to get it all better, between the things that I need to spend time to do consistently. Yet even for these, I am struggling to find the time. I am in a rush, yet am always behind, it feels like. How do I alleviate this? It feels so unclear in my mind.
In sorting out my room, I notice how it has accumulated clothes that are not properly organised, or just dropped on the floor, and that there are glasses that have built up, etc. This is as a result of me in the past while being lazy, and *not kind to my future self*. I take a course of action that is good in the present, e.g. just dropping clothes on the floor after they are used for the day, but not kind to my future self, in that I will then later not sort them out. As such, for this kind of thing, I ought develop a better system, where a small, meaningless act at the time, e.g. ensuring that before bed I fold up my clothes neatly back into the draws, or into the washing basket, will then save me the hassle of having to do it later. Generally, I think I need to avoid my room as much as possible; for instance, I need to consider whether I can work outside of my room, live mostly outside of my room, write wv, etc. in the park or just somewhere that isn't here. What should my room be for? is a question I need to ponder; currently, I think I do too much here, and it's not good.
I guess I've a lot of threads left open; I need to try to close as many threads as possible as soon as they are opened, which will stop me from being overwhelmed with half-finished things. Perhaps then I should abandon things like art or guitar for a little while altogether in my mind, and instead pursue the completion of all the outstanding threads, and building it into my behaviour to close off everything as soon as I can? I think also my room needs a tidy, to be honest.
I am really noticing the power of incrementalism, and of doing things bit by bit as opposed to waiting and chunking them. I just need to implement this into my actual behaviour, which is still sort of stuck in the past, so to speak - I do things almost as if on auto-pilot a lot of the time, and do not properly follow through on what I ought.
I think I need to consider this more thoroughly, but in terms of room maintenance, clothes-management is a big problem that I struggle with. I need to sort out a good system for managing my clothes, and ensuring they are properly maintained. I should try develop it a bit, but really start with incremental improvements, i.e. at the end of each day, ensure I have a place to put my clothes, whether that is back in the drawers or in the washing basket.
I guess so... I need to try better, generally, I think. I am also just feeling a bit glum at the moment. But hey. Have a good one.