2024-09-22
I haven't done much today. I know that is bad of me, but... hey. I went to the gym, did a decent pull routine (I feel like I'm approaching being an actual gym goer, with the proper routine and all) and then ate a massive breakfast, had a food coma, slept from then (about ten) until one or two, and then have pretty much done nothing, a little bit of reading blogs, a little bit of very slowly working on the website redesign, today. I can't (or, I can, but don't want to) go out today, because it is grey, miserable, and raining. I might actually benefit from a walk tonight. I've had copious amounts of baguette and bread (using up leftovers from the party) with garlic powder and olive oil, as make-shift garlic bread, which was lovely though I now likely reek of garlic. No more tomorrow because I actually have to seek people at work on Tuesday.
I wonder if a lazy day like this is any good. Should I have them? I think I will watch a movie tonight, to make up for the fact that I didn't on Friday, and I will have to study a little Italian too. I could have spent the day doing that... but didn't.
I do actually work on things, but so slowly, I don't really make any structured progress. A lot of listening to music, resting, etc. as well.
(Is this wv not just turning into a blog with really long entries? I suppose in a way, it is a portal into my thoughts; I do actually write about things, but those things relate to my days, and originate from them.)
In terms of these kinds of days, I think they are fine... occasionally, but really they occur as a consequence of not having any other plans, and being too lazy to go out and do something.
As a result, I should probably avoid days like this in the future. If I want to do relax, I should try to relax in a more... active way, I suppose. Days like this, which are sort of "laze about and do sod all" days, are ok, but should be avoided. Instead, what could I do?
I guess all sorts of things. I have said this before, but I need to find things to do that are not in my room. Or rather, do the things I would normally, just not in my room. Instead, I should make sure to try to be outside of the house for as much as possible. In fact, if I study for instance, I should go to the park (and bring food), or could go to a cafe, or that sort of thing. This has numerous advantages, not least that the lack of internet means I can't waste my time away as I have a tendency to do at home...
The internet really is a thing I invest a lot in, right? I always think of myself as the kind of person who, contrary to the general populace (there is a teenagesque superiority complex there) does not engage in the internet so much and yet I had that without introspection! No, I may not use social media, but I am very much bound to the internet chain, every single link...
The thing is, I'm not sure what is good or bad in terms of internet use. The internet feels... falser, less pure, now, than it was, of course, and there is a certain difficulty to avoid all of the modernity. I search innocent things and I cannot skip the corporate big-name brands or the SEO'd sites, or the vulgarity of every action, or the sponsors and the videos and the overstimulation, and the catering to every need. I guess it almost induces a sort of catatonia, and that is what I feel during these days... catatonic, unalive, derealised. Derealisation, I think is it.
If Wikipedia tells me that derealisation is:
The experience of derealization can be described as an immaterial substance
that separates a person from the outside world, such as a sensory fog, pane of
glass, or veil. Individuals may report that what they see lacks vividness and
emotional coloring.
Then, is that not just ... the LCD screen? And no matter the technology, from old LCDs to LEDs and OLED and whatever new screen comes out, and no matter the resolution, or the frame rate, or the sheer size itself of the panel, it never feels real, in a true sense does it? And yet, it seems to sap trueness out of real life.
I think describing this is That Funny Feeling, by Bo Burnham. There's just a lot. It's the feeling of overstimulation, excess.
What can I do to get free from it? I suppose I could be free from the internet a little, but I actually do like the ability to find new things, that are good and interesting, and read blogs, and have RSS feeds, and have emails sent to me. But I just dislike the incessant... noise, maybe. I want to improve as a person, and know what I need to do. Know how to improve. A day like this is my fault, for eating too much, for not moderating, for engaging in excess. I suppose the sleep is a sign that excess does kill a body: sleep is death, and I have died for those three hours that I slept. I died as a consequence of my erroneous actions. I'm on the wrong path, is what I'm trying to say.
Or, perhaps I'm on the right path, but I'm being spurred along, pestered, bludgeoned, by the old forces that hound me, pursue me, keep me. Depersonalisation, again? I'm the old forces.
And so, on the verge of breaking down it seems... well, what do I want. I'll not benefit from not writing. I want to be happy. And what does that mean? I don't know. Avoidance of negative feelings, let's say. Then what are those? (Can you stop hounding me?) Would it be dullness, that I might call boredom... well, I know I could recall Luke Smith sometime in 2021 (long ago, now...) saying it's not boredom, I don't know boredom, and I don't know boredom, but let's call it another term then. What, then? I've to write, so I've to be descriptive... lethargy, languor, both work. Really, it's not lethargy, it's rather a self-imposition, it's the knowing that I ought act, and the not doing it. It's the remaining in bed the whole day, when I ought get outside. It's the knowing the weather doesn't hold me back, and the remaining inside even still.
And what else? (You said feelings plural, and I won't let it go) well, then, I'll say inadequacy (inadequatio? not seeing the higher matters... (no)), and I'll say also, to shut you up (never works) stress. There are multitudinous painful feelings, alright? So many, and so many I've yet to even ever feel. Just tell me what I can do?
Well, of course, I know. See, it's the pain of sin that I know exactly what would fix it (a better person?) and what exactly I'm doing wrong, and I do it even still. Don't stay in bed the whole day, it never works out. Don't shirk jobs: you know you wanted to study Italian, and also know it's half eight, and you won't end up doing it before bedtime (half nine).
And how does the internet relate to this? Well, it's overstimulation. Youtube really doesn't help. Don't engage with it. Watching brainrotting WILTY clips, or rewatching the same standup, or listening to always the same songs, doesn't help, it is not good, and it just causes this... dullness. Whatever it's called.
I know what would fix it, but it still doesn't help me now. (No, it wouldn't. You can't be fixed right now. Only heal.) I want to be fixed! I want to be happy, right now, always right now. I don't want to feel the consequences of my predecessor's actions. I was not me an hour ago - why should I be at fault for what he did? And if I don't pay on the sentiment now, I'll feel terrible tomorrow, also. I at least need to sleep well tonight.
I'll stop. I'm in that odd kind of mood, and I really don't want this anymore. I'm improving, I tell myself! Yet I've wasted a full day, and perhaps that is just what I needed...