2024-09-27
I'm meant to be working today, but both today and yesterday I've really not done a whole lot. I guess I am in a way fine being unproductive; or rather, I've not the motivation. Yesterday was the lethargy of alcohol; is today the greyness of the skies?
Bou to shita - I am listening to Yorushika at the moment. I thought back to the sheer beauty of Tousaku when I first heard it. Amazing. I really must dig through my notes and find what I wrote on my first listen; I know the words I wrote were underwhelming. Yet, several years back that must have been. Am I in a better place? Change is so gradual I can hardly tell. I think I still have my difficulties.
I am eating rather flavourless carrots from a bag of wonky carrots I bought at Aldis the other day. Why are shop-bought carrots always so foul?
Anyways. I've almost got the website in shape, by deciding not to finish the dexter script I was planning on generating the index files with, but rather just using the shell commands that already generate the HTML, and using that sed trick to substitute in the content (table) into the HTMLs of the respective index files, and having that be that. It will be a lot easier, and mean I won't have the guilt of having written more than the 65 wvs I already have without actually having them published. Generally, then, all the content I write will actually be published. Of course, still no RSS feed, which isn't great. There is a lot of work that is going into the website, and it's surprisingly messy, especially because I keep on changing what I want. But I think this re-write lays the foundations for more work to be, and to be able to be done.
I'm seeing a friend tonight (virtually) which will be fun. I've been really bad at keeping up with friends (and I haven't many) because... well, I'd like to say I'm busy. Really, I am prioritising the writing, and all what I want to do, over seeing my friends, which is probably not good.
I am going to begin actually writing on the blog a little, to give weeknotes, to tell what I have done. I suppose also this will act as an incentive to actually do varied, interesting, things. Next week we've the opera, for instance: it will be good to try see what it is like. Eugene Onegin, we are seeing, at the Royal Opera House.
It's getting colder, and much wetter. It's rained a lot the past few days. The sky is eternally grey, it seems like. I've only one sonnet and want to have two. I've no prose, and am only beginning the blog again.
I won't find the time tonight, but I think over the weekend I will. Really, I think over the weekend I have ideas of what I want to do. Firstly, I need to write - need in the sense that the body desires it - I want to write a sonnet. On what I don't know, I have ideas. If I am skilled to write without the prompt as I had last time, I don't imagine. I just want to write. I want to have something, as terrible and weak as it may be, from my own hands, well and truly. I still won't be happy; I'll desire a third then. I'll desire a better one.
See, I try to make myself draw, or play guitar, but maybe those are simply not for me? Maybe I am drawn more to writing. I certainly enjoy it more, but I also write unstructured, terribly; I am not a master of words, nor even a man of words. I just can write, distinguishing me from no one. Then, it is recognition that I in secret crave?
Of course, the typical advice is to write for oneself, or with any thing really, and not to crave attention, but in a way it is human to want some recognition, isn't it? At the same time, I don't particularly go after it at all. And rather, I think I want, more than to actually show to other people and get their recognition, to have something I, in the potential mood, *could* show to others. I don't actually want to show it, nor am I against showing it; I want the ability to feel pride over what I have created. So for instance I never really tell anyone in real life I have a website (or if I do, I never direct them to it) - possibly out of shame, but also because I care more about the fact I have a body of work, than the body of work itself, or recognition of the body of work. I suppose. I am really not sure. I guess I am saying, I think I just want to feel proud of my accomplishments for once. Will there come a point at which I can say I am proud of myself?
Somewhere in my notes I had written at some point a note to my fifty-year old future self, I remember. I wonder if I will still remember after the twenty-seven years have passed. Or if I will be able to find it, especially.
I have now got the website up! It's not very good mind you, but at least the written entries, and the /wr and /wv index pages are generated. I can improve on these now incrementally and gradually, and at some point actually add RSS feeds. It shouldn't be too difficult, considering that I've done a lot of the work already.
I'll list out all of the things that I think are currently wrong with it in my personal notes, and try to work through them bit by bit. The important thing is that the site is now up, and I can work on it, whilst also actually publishing not just locally but on the server as well.
Have a good one.