2024-10-02
Today, we went to see Eugene Onegin - an opera, and my first ever - and it was lovely, and I will expound on it in greater detail at a later date, I promise, but for now I want to expound on my immediate emotion state (that is more the purpose of wv, whereas I will use blog for waxing lyrical about opera).
We came back on the train, and since I had nothing to entertain myself (and I despite entertaining myself with the phone) I sort of just sat and wrote in my scratchpad as I now call it, at times also falling into a slight sleep as happens on the train.
When we got to the station before ours (and it's worth noting for context, I was with my parents, and my mum had the car) I felt a sudden urge to walk overcome me: I knew that if I did not walk then I would be in poor spirits. It happens sometimes that I just need to walk, and the prospect of going by car depressed me. And so I resolved to walk, until we got outside the station... and it was chucking it down. Similarly to yesterday, it rained so heavily the clothes got soaked through in less than a minute. I gave in (under their pressure and the thought that my trousers would get wet for work in the morning) and went by car. My mum said something and I snapped at her a little: I was in a bad mood, as I expected. (I really shouldn't snap, but it seems to almost happen before conscious thought... I need to apologise).
Now, really, I am partially disappointed at myself. My trousers are somewhat wet anyways just from the journey, so I feel like they could have taken it, and if they are wet in the morning so be it. But also, that I have not planned any redundancy into my trousers for work. As in, I only have the one pair, and if they get wet or if they get sick on them (as last week when I was heavily drunk...) then I can't go into work. Again, there is a leap of logic there: I can't go into work because I stipulate that only the trousers that I have designated as work trousers can be worn into work.
See, I've several pairs of trousers now, and I am sure some of them could be used for work in a contingency like this. Certainly, I have the dark blue pair that would work. Or I could wear jeans, or... I don't know, I need to think about it, but the problem is that I have not done so at all, in the five or so years since I've been working. And so rain comes, and naturally I have not got a brolly either, and all of a sudden I'm in trouble. I'm in a bad mood firstly because I require the walk to feel in good spirits (which, as dependencies go, is not too bad: it is restricted somewhat as I prefer to walk at night and in the rain, where the rain presents problems if I haven't the clothes to get wet, and the night gets me into arguments with my mum who likes to lock up at specific times) (worse actually, I also prefer to go on walks ad libitum, i.e. extending the walk as I feel like it, and without a phone, meaning that I would in perfect freedom go for a walk for two hours, middle of the night in rain carrying nothing but keys, where I can't really do that as my mum worries...)
So, what is the resolution to the mood? Well, for the specific situation, I need to add in some redundancy in terms of work clothes. The rain and the weather recently is really wreaking havoc on my plans (and consequently my mood) as it is limiting what I can do if I don't want to get my clothes wet. Yet, I enjoy walks in the rain, and will sometimes see rain and decide based on that to go for a walk. I don't do the same with the gym, for instance, as I don't want to turn up to the gym already wet and then have to work out. Honestly, (and as this wet winter approaches and I have to learn to handle the rain a little better) I should, as far as the gym goes, just get over it and cycle up to the gym in the rain. If I get wet, so be it.
As for clothes, in my personal life I don't care if my clothes get wet as I generally have spares or something else I can use. For work, I have many shirts now, and should make sure that as many as possible are clean at any given point in time, so I can simply get one out, iron it and have it ready as a spare. Generally, I leave the ironing to my mum as she also does my dad's shirts, but I do enjoy to have all three shirts done at the start of the week, and so would probably benefit from just doing that bit myself. For my trousers, there is a task (another! always another) in there to find a suitable backup if my main work trousers are unusable for any reason (say, as they are wet, or even if the groin tears open as happened with my last pair). Then, on days like this, I can walk back in the rain knowing that it doesn't matter if my trousers get soaked through.
I think also, some of this is just the problem with living at home. I want to lead a different life to my parents, and there are clashes because of that.
And the poor mood is, I imagine, due to the "peak" I experienced during the opera, and this now being the comedown. It's always less enjoyable after you've just enjoyed something. I suppose I should practise better mood regulation; I probably also am to an extent getting winter depression. I never normally get it that bad, but I think I may well this year... I'm decently more vulnerable, mentally, I think, precisely because I'm in a better place generally. A fall hurts more the higher you go up, and all that. Not that I'm in all that great of a position, but I think certainly the actions I've taken over the past few years have actually benefitted my overall mood, even if I still have very prolonged periods of lower mood generally due to a lack of sleep I feel.
I almost just wish I understood how my mood operates. I used to think it was almost exclusively down to sleep, but I don't think that's it. There is something else going on that puts me in such a state when I feel restricted from something silly like walking, fun as it is. Some sort of dependence, and then subsequent withdrawal, almost.
Odd. Either way, my mood has cleared up, but I need to work on figuring out what the problem is from an introspective point of view, and then actually taking the action to stop it in future (of course, only for this situation, but it will generally help me, and I can deal with other situations as they come up even if I have to suffer another trough of bad mood...)
I'll write an Eugene Onegin (though maybe another day, as it is late and I am tired). Have a good one.