2024-10-14
This is not my first wv on having a tender feeling - I have already done 0033, 0034, and 0077 on this feeling. It is fairly new to me; I only really think I have started to get it a few months ago. Before this, I did remember getting the feeling which I described as 'man on the station platform crying'. It was around November 2021, and I had a series of days where I would stand on the platform, waiting for my train to work, and I felt as if I was on the brink of tears. I've gotten that feeling a few times since: once at work, for instance, where I had to go to the toilet for about ten minutes and not cry, but just let myself sit. See, I can't really cry, being a man, nor do I really want to. Even alone in my hotel room now, I couldn't cry. I'm trained not to.
I've taken to calling it a tender feeling, as that is sort of what it is. The emotional equivalent of skin that is weak, and gives way to the touch, without any resistance. The notion that a light breeze could obliterate the dam, and let loose the teary deluge.
I really don't know what it is. The feeling is new to me, at least it seems; it is not the usual low mood that I often have.
I wondered, as I was walking along to the pizza place (I wanted pizza) if the low mood was as a result of my wanting to talk to people, to be social. See, I have been here for three days now, and have not really talked to anyone. I think that is making me struggle in a way; I want interaction, more properly. I want someone to talk to. The language barrier means that I can't even really banter with the staff at restaurants; rather, I struggle to even say basic things. I wanted to say that the table had no number tonight when asked to pay at the front desk, and struggled to say 'tavolo non ha numero', whereat the waiter simply said 'ventuno' that I at least understood after making him repeat it once. I then was awkward when approaching to pay, as I did not really know where to go. I don't really have the confidence in myself, and that is a thing that often happens, but particularly in this tender state: I am almost zombified, not able to spring from the one point to the next without direction. Shunning to talk to someone, I instead loitered around until directed to talk; I then did so, and paid for the meal. I don't even remember how much it costed, and it was in Italian so there is a mental barrier to overcome when translating the words. I don't have the energy for it. I want to be in bed, not able to cry. That is tenderness.
I won't be social tonight, as I will struggle to. In fact, I also did not have wine tonight, rather stuck with water. Tomorrow then I will try for wine, perhaps. With any luck, I will be in a better mood then. I could potentially visit one of the enotecas, and just have a glass there. Or, I could have a glass at lunch in Florence (will I visit tomorrow? Yes, I think so) and try to get used to it, see how it goes. All about trying new things. I probably should learn more Italian so I can say "I've never had wine before so a beginner's wine please" or something like that. Oh, the language barrier is really painful.
Do I want to go to an Irish bar tomorrow? probably not, but I did get it recommended to me from someone at work, and it would be good to try to talk to people a little.
That is the thing. I don't know if this tenderness is as a result of loneliness, and normally I can go quite a while without social interaction with people. Here, I am almost cut off from the entire rest of the population by way of my not understanding the language. I wish I could. It makes life so much easier...
Or, potentially even it is a sugar crash: I did have a lot of sugar earlier (60g) in the form of chocolate flavoured biscuits (I bought them to tide me over for the long walk; it turned out not to be that long and I finished the packet once I got back to the hotel). I think I need to learn my lesson in terms of ultra-processed food that I really actually can't control myself around it (or food in general) so need to avoid it and only eat healthy things. Potentially, that is the reason for my poor mood. Potentially also, if I were better at tracking things like this, I could identify whether when I had this mood before if I also had eaten a lot of sugar...
I don't know whether this kind of thing is good or bad to do. I feel as though wv is almost being sullied a little, and is essentially turning into the place where I ramble when my mood is down. In a way that has value; wv is mostly for myself, as is all my writing; I can use this to figure out what exactly the tender feeling is, and how to deal with it. Potentially if there are any readers, which I highly doubt, they can get something out of my rambling about emotions, even just if they feel the same in some way and are comforted to know that another person feels the same way.
I also have to realise that I have 1,000 entries to play with. I'm not even 10% of the way to completion; I have plenty of time to ramble about emotions and all manner of other things. Perhaps later on, I will end up being better able to express useful ideas. For now, I see no real problem with wv as a dumping ground for emotional troubles; they would ordinarily go into some kind of writing anyways, and still can, except that they can go here as well.
Have a good one.