2024-10-18
It is October, late October, I've only just realised. For eighteen days now I have been writing 2024-10 for each date; little did I realise, it was October.
And 2024. I remember when it was 2023, and 2022... well, not really, but I know there was certainly a point when those dates were the present, and I know that there was an entity with my form and my voice, that purported to be me as I now do, and that was around during those dates, doing something I know not what.
Meanwhile, I am here, truly me, the present me, the incontrovertible me, and I am surprised that it is October of 2024. Well, I've only existed for this month, and only ever will, but I guess I am born into this state to be surprised at the fact it is October 2024.
Now, each year is only one year, and I've many before, and many more after me. I'm only 23. I am still young until 25, and then in my twenties until 30, and then in my thirties (still fairly young!) until 40. I've many years to improve, I suppose, so why does it all feel so long? Why does it all take so long? Why do I feel as if I am endlessly trying to improve, and never really improving?
See, I have begun the /thousands project, and yet have not really improved at all in a way that feels... noticeable. Perhaps it is because I've put the bar too high, and in a way that is not really possible to reach. I can't really reach a thousand times going to the gym, not for many years yet, and I know as much. wv, which I am far enclosing on 100 entries written (10%), is again still very far from actually complete. If it took me three months of dedicated work to get to this point, then I'll have to continue in this way for another 27 months, or two and some years. Drawing, and guitar will all take ages too. I know as much. The only thing that won't is the press-ups and sit-ups.
Generally, I feel as if I am improving in life, but far too slowly. Of course, slow and steady wins the race, but also I feel as if it is ... too slow. As in, how long will it take me to get to a good point in terms of writing, or the blog, or anything else? I have improved in terms of diarising and logging, and still do have room to improve, but of course it's better than what it was. I have improved in 2022 (?) by switching to Linux. I improved in 2023 by learning about allotmenteering. I have improved in 2024 by going to the gym, and beginning wv, and continuing (after a long break) blogging, and that kind of thing.
Yet, though I think I have still improved, I don't *feel* as such. I feel as if I've still a long way to go. And I do. I am still suffering from the vestiges of the social malaise I used to have (inhibition and the like); I seem to still struggle with my mood. I have been told off at work a few times this year for not doing a very good job of managing my tasks. And all sorts of other things.
When will I feel as if I've done enough? Will I ever? Will I get to a point where I've got a bit of list of things that I've done, and I can say, yes, I've done well? Or, will I always feel lacking, as if I'm in this intermediate state, where I have done some of the way, but not enough to actually get anywhere? This is of one kind for wv, and the blog, which don't really matter much or correspond to a skill at all, but for the art, and for the guitar, I am doing it because I want to cultivate that skill. When will I get to a point where I can say, yeah, I am reasonably good at drawing? Or, to the point where I am able to play the guitar in front of people? I think it will take a very long time to cultivate that skill, but will I get to a point in a few years? Can I trust that I'll be in a better spot in October 2025?
I know it will require me to not switch my attention away from what I'm doing, and to continue doing what I can in terms of the things I want to progress. At the end of 2025, I will have, to have a list:
But, this year, have I done anything? Yes, I have! I'm in a much better shape than I was last year. I can do press-ups now which I couldn't before, and even a few pull-ups which were completely out of my reach before. I've made a decent body of work in terms of wv, blog, and the few poems I've written. I have actually done stuff! Yes, it's nothing incredible, but I shouldn't deride myself by saying I've done nothing.
Maybe, next year, I'll have the same issue, and have made proper progress, and still be thinking I've done nothing at all this year.
Have a good one.