2024-10-18
I really hate the social malaise. I have taken to calling it that I suppose, when what it is the last vestiges of social anxiety striking me, in the form of inhibition. See, I went to the place I went before for pizza tonight, and had a quite nice hummus pizza (and spoke, except for with the barmaid who insisted on English, Italian and fairly well I think! though I didn't say much) and noticed as I was coming back that outside and inside the Irish Bar there were many people, and that I could probably go in there, socialise, talk to people at the bar, join a group, or play pool or something like that. As I walked past it, and also past the many people out on a night out, enjoying a glass of wine or the company of their friends, and turning onto Via dell'Inferno (-a?) I thought to myself: what is it that stops me from just going in there and ordering a drink? Chatting to people?
Well, nothing. I could easily do it. I could have ordered a glass of wine to get me started (don't like wine, ofc) and then gone in there, ordered a cider or something like that (I'm sure they probably have Old Mout, or Orchard Thieves, or something) and started talking to people at the bar: I'm on holiday, what about you, mind if I join you, ... I could do it. And really, let me think about what the worst that could happen is. I am perceived as odd, or strange, or overly pushy (to insert myself into a group of existing friends) or am rejected. Really, if I say "mind if I join you?" after having established myself as conversational, I can easily find people to join in with for the night. And it serves as good practise for socialising generally, which I do struggle with still. I wish I didn't.
And the thing is: so what if I am perceived poorly? Really, it does not matter one sliver. I am in a foreign country; nobody knows me; nobody I know is here with me. If I make a blunder, or say something awkward, or even just stand about awkwardly at the bar, or am not particularly social, or have a mood that is predisposed to making silly social faux pas', or any number of other things: eh. I'll disappear in a day back to England and not need to think about it any more, or at the very least can use my cockup(s) to help me learn what needs be done in the future in terms of this kind of thing. I have to understand that, given that a lot of my friends are far away and I only see them virtually or rarely in person, then I need to, when I am socialising, learn to socialise well alone. I need to learn to overcome that feeling of awkwardness.
So, tomorrow: I think I will go to that Irish Bar in the evening. I haven't much else to do.
I don't really know what I'm waiting for. I will never feel as if people want to accept me, or as if I will be perceived as anything other than strange. I think as well, this is definitely a recursive matter, or put another way, it exists by virtue of its existence. If I tell myself I am awkward, or that I am not good in these social situations, or worry that I will be perceived as strange, then I will likely have an awkward and ungainly manner, which will then be the cause of my being awkward/ungainly, thus perpetuating the idea. If instead, I am natural, or at least just initiate conversation a bit, and try my best to be friendly, not to assertive or aggressive, not too desperate of gaining company, and rather just stand at the bar for a bit, or say to people as I said before, "mind if I join you?" and if I am rejected so be it. I can stand at the bar a little longer. I just wonder what I'm afraid of. Is it really rejection? I am not sure whether it is. I think rather, it is a fear of a bad perception by others, as I am aware that I am not particularly socially adept, cannot dance well in a nightclub, have social inhibition, am naturally quiet (and quieter since I started this job, in which I am invited to be so (not maliciously; rather, that is the mode of my colleagues), I do believe) and so on.
Really, isn't it strange I need to talk myself up to go in a bar and order a drink, and chat to people? Isn't this something that most people can do without needing to pep-talk themselves, without a day of preparation for it? Isn't it something that most people would do on a whim, for fun, as opposed to a challenge, a self-betterment exercise? Yet for me, it is difficult, or not really difficult, but requires something to be overcome. Myself. My want of not being perceived as strange by people whom I will never see again.
That said, Saturday (tomorrow) is my last night and my last chance to do this, here. Of course, I can have future holidays, but this will be my last chance for a good while to do this alone, in a foreign country, and where I will not be seen again by the people whom I talk to. I shouldn't miss it. I need to remember that, it is very easy for me to do the kind of exercises in terms of drawing, and writing, and physically, that I have been doing well for the past few months. But, the most major problem I have is social malaise. I am not confident in myself or in my ability with other people. That interferes with all my interactions: small talk in the kitchen at work, talking with new people, fearing being alone, not talking to the other tables in restaurants (I did only once this holiday, and I did not initiate), talking well to other people I see on the street (for instance, not just smiling and nodding, but getting words out as well), talking to wait(e)r(esse)s and not under my breath, or in that shy way. Actually, I am thinking now that a part of my being perceived often as a foreigner is not just due to my accent, or my appearance: no, I think it is actually that the Italians are often very loud and confident, and I, meek and quiet, not fitting the typical image, am then outed as a foreigner for my lack of confidence. If I can't say "un tavolo per uno, grazie" without it being under my breath, well, the lack of confidence belies my lack of confidence in the language itself. Perhaps?
So, it's been a week. I think, tomorrow, on my last day, I'm going to try to be more confident. Gradually, I have built up a bit of a potential in terms of talking: I can now understand a little better, even just to nod and say 'si', and so can use that, and just make sure I speak firmly and loudly, and see if that changes anything. Then, in the evening, I should go to the Irish Pub, try to talk to people, see how it goes. I should imagine it'll be busy on a Saturday.
Have a good one. I've a long way to go, don't I?