George Abbott's Wordvomits

Efficiency, newsletters, novelty

Sat, 07 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000

I would like in a way to become more involved in the IndieWeb, and especially in terms of actually reading the content that others write. It would be almost like a social media, but more directly from another person... more human. And so I think I would like to receive things via e-mail, and have set up my e-mail to be accessible on this little laptop so I can access it in more places, and with more freedom. I'll also need to at some point, in this case, tidy up the random mail I receive from the bank and other places, and either auto-archive them, or just delete/unsubscribe from them. This will mean that only what is in my inbox is what I actually care to read. Then, I can start signing up to things, so I have things to read in the first place!

I need to get newsboat set up as well more properly, so that I can read RSS feeds of people's website with a bit more joy; or consider a GUI RSS reader?

For my system as well, since I use a tiling manager, it might be nice to automatically open, e.g. e-mail in say, tab 9, so I can always know it's there to switch to. And generally just assign each number to a particular action, to make it sort of easier to manage, in a way.

I'm going to try change my workflow in terms of e-mail, to have more e-mail (that I can easily go through, is the idea) and have it be well managed in terms of tags: then I can just read the e-mail, and archive it once I'm done. That is sort of the system I am trying at work, though of course many things stay in the inbox for a long time if I don't get the chance to work on them for a while. When it's just reading, I can keep on top of my e-mail a lot easier for my personal life. And I don't receive much mail from actual people that needs responding to, either, so that's ok I guess.

All in all, tidying up all aspects of my life would help me out. Generally just putting in some initial effort, and getting it all tidy, to make it better for the future me.

As for media, and blogs, I'm not sure exactly what I want, and can discover this in time. I think though, that trying to find media that I engage in that is new in a way is good for me.

Novelty

I wonder if a certain degree of novelty, in the sense of new occasions and events, or stimuli, is necessary for a happy life. In this sense, I am unhappy as I have restricted the stimuli I receive to older ones, e.g. music I've already heard, or videos from Brodie Robertson that are fairly samey... in this way, I need to experience a wealth of different things, each of which then allows me a degree of freedom, newness, refreshment, in my mind... I wonder.

I really don't know. I'm not sure I can really come to meet a good conclusion with all this writing, and pondering. I think whenever I appear to reach something that seems an adequate theory, new evidence always seems to appear to contradict it. It reminds of the criticism of science - and one that seems totally valid - that science has no way of generating or moderating hypotheses, and can only handle them when they arrive.

So, what I'm aiming to do is get a refreshment on media, and on generally the external perspective, and hope it sort of conjures up some better emotion. Of course, I have to be aware that some of the low mood is going to just be winter depression: part of the reason I've been so depressed this September is the poor weather, I'm almost certain of it. Still, it is odd for me to get winter depression this bad, and particularly around September. I'm not entirely sure, if I'm honest. I'm only 23, and of course once one hits 25 the body stabilises and there are no longer such dramatic downshifts in mood. Everything is nice and regular and normal. Right? Right?

Anyways, the new stimulus is in multiple parts. I'm going to dedicate Friday night as a movie night, to watch a movie like this Friday just gone, only with less getting tontoed. I'll of course have the opera (why, so posh! (pronounced /pəʊʃ/)), and can listen to new music I suppose, and go to new places, and the holiday to Italy soon will help me out as well.

I think I might go up and try to sit by the seaside one evening (not tomorrow as I've social occupations, and probably not Monday either; next Saturday?) and draw... and generally, I can be productive in a way that does preclude my enjoying life. That is what I am going to try to reach; strive for good behaviour, don't beat myself up.

Fresh starting

As for e-mails, if I'm going to try to get it sorted, I've decided upon a fresh start today. I'm going to change several things today: the notepad will be used as a diary, not a journal (where journalling can take place either here, as a wv, if it is worthwhile and something I can reasonably release into the public, or in a different notepad if not), I've cleared my e-mails and will try to maintain inbox-zero from now on in that regard, and I think I will try to implement gtd a little more. The gym will begin again on Monday, and I'll try get back on track. I've just been knocked for mood a little the past few weeks.

In terms of involvement in the IndieWeb scene, I'll see what that means. I'd like to talk to people in the scene a little more, and get to know it a bit. Currently, I'm sort of an island unto myself, and of course nobody reads anything I write (not least, because I'm not even releasing it yet until the website redesign is complete).

Well, it's late so I should sleep. I'll try be actually productive tomorrow, which I didn't exactly manage today. Have a good one.

Gym; calorie deficit; exercise routines; creatine

Fri, 20 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000

I've been to the gym this evening, as opposed to watching a movie as is my routine as of two weeks ago. I would have watched the movie, but I needed to go to the gym to not owe my brother fifty quid, and I couldn't go in the morning as I was recovering from the night of drinking. I have returned, made a massive dinner (leftover rice and lentils from two days, about 500g in all; then lentils and quinoa again about 3-400g I would say; most of 200g and half an onion fried in olive oil; two slices of toast with peanut butter). For lunch I ate four slices of garlic bread, and no breakfast, so I guess I'm probably not over my calories for the day (or hopefully not by much).

However, I am still gaining weight, and so need to find a way to get protein in without eating so much. I would aim for 80g protein as a minimum on gym days: how can I get that?

Protein and diet

I am eating this much in order to make sure I am getting enough protein; I know that I need about 140g of protein given my mass, and so try to stuff myself with as much as I can to get protein. But of course, that is not good; I need to instead find a way to get a very protein heavy diet without stuffing myself in this way. I think that it would be good to try to have a diet that focussed more on:

Soya milk: 500ml (one pint give or take) is about 20g in itself
Tofu: 200g is only about 350 kcal and has 35g protein
Lentils, Quinoa: I can easily get these and they will plug any gaps.

So those three, alongside rice, pasta, bread (I need to stop eating the stuff from Aldis, that is ultra-processed, and either stick to Sainsbury's/baker's bread or only eat my own) and peanut butter, I think it will do me good. I will then also benefit from eating more leafy greens, broccoli, etc.

Generally, I think I just need to eat less, so as to get somewhat of a calorie deficit, which I think is more important for me at the moment. That way I can hopefully lose the stomach, and that will basically get me to where I want to be.

Gym exercises

I need to think about the exercises I do in the gym: I kind of find a routine that sort of works and just do what I know of it, which is ok, but does mean I am not necessarily training every muscle. I'm beginning to do legs now, which is good, but I need to also make sure core, obliques, and forearms are trained, alongside the rest that I believe I do generally train. It'll be some work to find a good system, but one I considered (it dawned on me as I was cycling back from the gym) is to have a full set of exercises that I am to do, and make sure they are all done for the week. I can make it reasonable, e.g. fifteen exercises or so, and do five each day. Then I can pick and choose as fits my mood, and make sure I try to do what I can to benefit my future self. I think that would be a good plan, and so all that is left is to work out what those weekly exercises would be. This also obviates the need for dedicated push/pull/leg days, where instead each day can be a bit mixed, but everything gets done in the end much the same.

Creatine?

I wonder if I could begin to use creatine. From what I can see, it is not dangerous, and in fact is only beneficial. That said, it does still feel firstly a little like cheating, and secondly like I would be taking almost steroids, in that it could be dangerous... though it seems from preliminary research to be ok. I may consult Andrew Huberman and see if he has mentioned it and if so in what light. If it is good, I may well begin to take it, to help me get better gains, and not tire so easily, etc. It may be particularly useful given the vegan diet. I guess I will see; if I do not like it, I can always quit at any time. It does not have the same effect as steroids either it seems in the consequent harms in terms of fertility etc. so that is good. I think it could well be a good choice for supplementation, seeing as I suppose I am now a bit of a gym rat, I need to try to optimise it a little... my current system is absolutely terrible, and so it would be good I think to work out a better system, seeing as I am to dedicate three hours (outside of the cycle to and from) to the gym at least per week.

Also, creatine is meant to also have cognitive benefits, mood, etc. It would be good to try it at least. I think if I do, I can see from the start how it affects me, and if there are any adverse effects. Of course there may be some longer term health effects, but I can research these over time, and consider then.

(Andrew Huberman seems very positive about it - I think then I will research brands that are good, and find a good one, then buy it and try it. I will probably stick to a low dose, e.g. 3g-5g to begin with, and will only load very slowly if I do decide to load the creatine. I'll see I guess, but I think it would do me good. I still feel a little like it's cheating, but I don't think it is the bad kind of cheating: it's not steroids.)

Also, I've a swim tomorrow, and should really consider what I want to do in terms of also optimising my performance for swimming. As in, trying to make sure I know good form, as well as making sure that can increase my stamina.

Ok, that's all. The gym is something I've been doing a bit as of late, so it's worth my time to try to figure out how and what to do with it.

Have a good one.

On note-taking and OBTF

Tue, 24 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000

I just today read the OBTF blog post about writing all notes in one big text file (OBTF). I sort of see where he is coming from that it is probably a good system, but I think combining multiple interests there won't work for me.

Firstly, I want to publish my wvs. For this, I already have a script (wv) set up that can do all what I need: it can open a file, let me edit it, find the next file to edit automatically (so if I write just `wv`, it will just find the next entry to write and open that) and it can also provide some rudimentary statistics: the `stats` subcommand will provide me a count of entries, the total wordcount among all entries and the average wordcount per entry. The `ls` subcommand will list all entry titles alongside the date they were written, the wordcount, and the title. The `per-day` subcommand finds the amount of entries I've written for each day and sorts according to the days I've written the most; the `per-month` subcommand gets the total number of entries written each month. I also have `ls-html` which gets the output of ls formatted in HTML for substitution into the index file (makeshift solution).

Then also, I have the blog/, poetry/, prose/, and wr/ sections which are used for their respective purposes. I need to figure out exactly where to put these; I think, because they are integrated with the website, at least blog/, poetry/, and prose/ should be just in the src/ folder for the website and can be generated into the website HTML from there. But, what of wr/? this is longer form writing, e.g. if I write any stories or the like. The thing is, I would probably want to work on them in a separate location, and then transfer them over. So where can I work on them?

I have on my laptop currently two places. I also have the two notepads (physical) that are used for writing; the diary is used to give a brief account of the day, where the second (I did call this a journal, but it is really a scratchpad) is used for any notes, or writing, or anything, that will probably then be brought elsewhere or for when I just need to get words down. I probably should add a third, a journal, for longer form writing that is personal and not appropriate for wv, but I think for now combining the scratchpad and the journal works.

On the laptop is the $HOME/wr directory, with the `wr` script that helps with this. I kind of just use wr as a sort of general notes directory, not for structured writing. For instance, for olea (which I have not progressed as I would like) I have a subdirectory wr/olea/research for all my research, but then the final essay is stored not under wr, but under dev/. This holds git repositories of things I would work on, sometimes programming but also writing. (I don't really have much I'm working on at the moment, if I am honest - I have sort of lost track of all the projects I began and never finished - the main programming I am doing is `neo` which is scripts for the website and for the computer generally). But where would I keep things?

Perhaps I should, on the computer, centralise all sporadic writing under wr, or perhaps to better align the names, put all proper writing under $HOME/wr (aligned with $WEBSITE/src/wr - I would assume I can transfer from $HOME/wr to $WEBSITE/src/wr as aspects are completed and ready for upload to the website) and then put all sporadic writing under say, sporadic with a script `spr` for this. Maybe better.

The problem with splitting out like this is there is no central place, like there is with OBTF. So, let me consider a dichotomy of "working" and "final", alongside the precursor to "final", "draft". Then, writing is split into several types. wv is inherently final; there is no draft phase as it is written all at once (save for 0073) even if that is over the course of several hours. So, wv only needs and only has one location: $WEBSITE/src/wv. Same with the blog that only has one location: $WEBSITE/src/blog. Poetry and prose can both be worked on either on the computer or on paper. If on the computer, then I need to select a good place for them: wr/ would not be it then, because I'll save this for later. They can be worked on under $HOME/sporadic or the scratchpad, and then when finished transferred from there to $WEBSITE/src/prose or $WEBSITE/src/poetry. As for wr/, this is longer form writing. The website should contain finished articles; when in draft or working I suppose they would go under $HOME/wr, and any associated notes could go under a subdirectory called "drafts" or "research" etc.

As a further example, olea/ would be a project that counts as writing. As such the writing aspect would go under wr/olea; the finished article would go under $WEBSITE/wr/olea when published. The notes supporting it would go under wr/olea/research or wr/olea/drafts etc.

As a result, what does the dev/ directory do? It would be used for code, not writing, simply.

I also need to deal with deciding on the distinction between dev/ and git/, or just merging them, but that's for another day.

I think this makes sense. I don't think one big note makes sense for my use case as I write some bits on paper, etc. and want to keep wildly different concerns separate. But I do need to tidy up a little and have a better organisation.

I guess I just need to get to work now tidying up...

But generally, I feel as if I'm approaching a decent system. For instance, with e-mail, I am at currently inbox-one (as I've one email there to remind me to do a something soon) which is quite nice. I'm also keeping up decently (but behind because there is a backlog as I add new RSS feeds) with my RSS reading. It's nice to feel organised!

Ok, have a good one.

On provenance-veganism (TODO: self, finish)

Mon, 02 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000

This first entry will be essentially a draft, and I will try to write up in a more structured way later. Essentially, it is an attempt to somewhat codify and put into a structured form the diet I adopt or wish to adopt, which is essentially a few outliers with an essentially vegan core.

On provenance-veganism

Provenance veganism is a form of almost-veganism, or rather, is a variation on veganism, with an altogether different moral fundament. Whereas veganism is based on the idea that abuse to animals (as a category specifically) is immoral, whence animal products as a category should be avoided, I would note that this is a non-sequitur: neither are animal products bound to animal suffering nor is avoidance of meat a perfect solution to this. I wish to state at the outset that provenance-veganism also is not a perfect solution, though I would put forward that it is better than traditional veganism.

A few case studies

On eggs

I eat eggs and do not believe it to overly immoral, given that the source of the eggs is chickens that are treated well. I would not eat store-bought eggs even if free range from a moral perspective.

On bivalves and molluscs

I believe it would be moral to eat snails, given their lack of a nervous system, the lack of environmental damage, etc.

On roadkill

I would consider eating roadkill to be acceptable.

Wasted food of others

Likewise, I consider this acceptable to eat iff the alternative is that it will be wasted. Feeding to the foxes is not considered wastage.

Criterion

What is the criterion of provenance veganism? With a focus on the consumption of wasted animal biproducts by others, I would say that it could be boiled down to, I will eat animal products, but will not pay to support the industry, where here industry is specifically that industry of factory farming or immoral practises of rearing.

That said, whilst I am more or less settled that eggs do not fall under this, and as such are acceptable to eat if produced properly (i.e. actually free range hens, no killing of males or at a premature age, etc. - then again, I actually do question the immorality of killing of the young at such an early age, as it is instant and likely causes no real pain save for to the mother (which is a big concern still, and the reason not to eat dairy); bivalves to buy would be generally acceptable owing to their lower consciousness I presume, and the lessened environmental impact likely as well; but I would need to think it through properly... what of fish, for instance, who also have a lower capacity than the sentient animals? What of actually pastured beef (again, I'm under no pretenses that the cheap stuff bought in Aldis labelled "pastured" actually is, but I mean the genuine article, i.e. from a farmer's market)?

I would say that, depending on the method of slaughter, things of that nature actually are acceptable if to a limited degree. The thing is, I don't believe we should be ruling out all animal meat as a food source, nor do I believe in animal liberation.

I think really, as a general rule, people should still be able to eat meat, or animal products, but in more sparing quantities.

Rambling of wasted days

Tue, 15 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000

It is the Tuesday, and so I have really four days after today left. Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and then the Sunday is just going to be grabbing food and going to the airport. I have essentially squandered today; in fact, realistically, I have spent most of the time here today in the hotel and just essentially wasted the day. Really, I suppose I can say the day is not wasted, especially given that I have managed to read a fair bit, and have written a poem (about how I'm not in a good mood today - I'm going to put a pin in that) and will do my exercises (I will try to get press-ups to >60 and sit-ups to 80 today, which will mean that I have it to a decent number by the end of the holiday: I can reckon with 140 press-ups and 200 sit-ups by the end of the week). In other words, it is not entirely wasted, and I will have had a decent few meals, and generally have gotten through the day. In other words, I don't think the day is wasted.

It goes back to: what is a wasted day? I think that it is difficult to define, and really just comes back to a feeling. I want to be able to define it well, so I can I chastise myself more clearly when I am wasting a day, or know clearly when a day is spent well. For instance, I want to say that I have wasted today, because have I have barely spent time outside. However, I necessarily do need this: I am perhaps recluse by nature, or I need a bit of time to myself, or I am in a poor mood and so need to handle it, however I do that, and so perhaps it is the cost of that. For instance, eating could be considered (by those who don't enjoy eating; I do not fall into that club) as a waste of time, yet it is not. Likewise, for me, staying in the hotel for today is not necessarily a waste of time, as it helps me to recuperate a little, and to get to write.

Like, is it bad that I haven't been going around the city and finding sights to explore? Will it be bad that, when it comes to the end of the holiday, I won't exactly have a long list of things that I have visited? Or is it good enough that I was here, I got something out of it, in terms of learning about the city, deliberating whether I enjoy it, as well as maintaining my usual progression (if progress it indeed is) with the writing and everything else...

I think the day isn't wasted, in that case. Really, I can do whatever I like. There are plenty of people who go to foreign countries, and spend the entire time in an all-included resort, just sitting by a pool and eating the food provided them, and not actually exploring the city. I have explored the city, and in fact a part of what I think the tenderness is that I really have explored the city all I want: there are of course other things to see, but for now I am really done with the city. I think the impression I have made of it is largely accurate, as far as it can be after four days.

In that way, I think I am justified in doing what I am doing. I am going to go to Florence tomorrow, and could actually spend the latter portion of today finding places I could go to in Florence tomorrow. Then, I will wake up early and make sure I get a full day there. For today, again, as long as I get my press-ups, sit-ups, drawing, in, alongside the blog entry, the poem and this wv entry, I suppose I haven't squandered the day entirely. And I had a nice pizza, earlier, and will have a nice dinner.

Poems when depressed

I notice that all of the poems which I have written (or most, at least) are somewhat depressive in nature. Really, I am writing the poems when I am in a bit of a bad mood, and so they are all kind of a bit... unhappy. I wonder two things. Firstly, should I not try to avoid this? For instance, I should probably try to write more poems when I am far happier, or even in a more middling mood... really, I think that it is partly because, for a little while now, I have not actually had such an overwhelmingly positive mood. I have felt decently happy at times though, for instance as I watched the opera, and yet did not write about that...

I again am not fully sure why I am in such a - well, I don't want to say I'm in a bad mood exactly, but I feel myself tending towards depression a lot more recently. It could well just be winter.

Have a good one.

Less tender; fleeting feelings and foreign flights

Thu, 22 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000

It is now the end of the work day, and I write this almost as if I write my usual journal, except that I open this first for some semblance of progress, when it is merely a trick of counting, an accountant's acrobatics. Of course, the mere fact of this being public and constrained to a thousand words does not really warrant its prioritisation over the usual journalling that I perform, nor ought I want it to, nor should it, replace my usual journalling. That said, I do have topic to discuss, albeit personal. Is it then bad to write it in this form, as opposed to another? I suppose I have a thousand of these to play with, and so if I squander one it does not particularly ruin the overall quality, nor does it cause the task to be any easier in realising, nor does it reflect badly on my character as a whole, the aggregate of each of these individual entries; rather, it reflects on a potential flaw in my current circumstance, which I should willingly (and potentially publicly) put to paper (or, in words) so as to make it discernible for my future self!

Metatalk (metalk) over, I want to write about myself. Particularly, I want to write about the feelings I had this morning. A certain tenderness of constitution. A proclivity to tears, without the ability ever to cry. I of course am now a work day away from that self, and feel altogether different... not that I was not tender during the day, but rather that I am somewhat better put together, or more stable in a way. It is as if by some sheer shaking a jenga set slipped into a stable arrangement. Or not unlike those tricks of chemistry one sees where a mere impact is enough to rearrange a liquid into a solid, cristalline structure. Perhaps without the fanfare, that is something approaching the situation.

Feelings are fleeting. I suppose that is what I want to say. It is the usual Buddhist saying: this too shall pass. Interesting, of course, that that statement is meant to describe the state of all things, and yet it is instead used in a way to alleviate the poor feelings that one experiences.

Feelings are odd. They come and go, like all things. I wonder whether it is good to seek to avoid negative emotions. Even so far as, I dislike to take paracetamol, because I worry I am not earning my keep: I think I should take the pain, and the mental anguish, as a... punishment? (that is already here) for my other moments of mental clarity. Not that I suffer from particularly incapacitating headaches, though I do occasionally get those where the pain spreads as far as the eyes, and it hurts to look... I've been told that is a migraine. Am I not just causing myself unnecessary pain?

Fleeting feelings have fluttered away from my foughts... sorry thoughts. Now, foreign flights. Is it evil of me to load two topics into the one wv and act as if I'm capable of writing more than some 507 words on a single topic?

Foreign Flights

Discussion at work today: do I go on many holidays abroad? I told that I do not believe I have been on any since I am an adult. But that I want to go to Italy, or Norway this year. I have decided, essentially on the prompting of my colleagues, and my pre-existent desire, that I will go to Italy then this year somewhen, and then to the Lake District, and then to Norway in about January for the winter (hopefully I can see Northern lights, or the winter market if that is on around then, or just explore Norway... it would be a good opportunity to put my Norwegian (norsk - see? I still got it!) to some use). Three holidays, on my own, two of which will require flights. I suppose I am doing something that is fairly typical for most people but which feels bad to do for me. At the same time, I just need to acknowledge that it is not as grievous as I think it to be. I'm allowed to enjoy myself.

For Italy, I think I will visit Bologna. I would of course like to see Venice, and my grandma tells me it is the most magnificent of places, but of course, I know it will be full of tourists, or pollution, or whatever it may be, and I will suffer Paris Syndrome and feel horrid. I could just about manage it with Cheddar Gorge, as the Gorge was still quite nice, even if the town of Cheddar put me off to no end. The tourist district, and the averting of the eyes whenever someone walked passed you on the pavement, and the cars and noise... it's horrific. I feel as though I would go into some kind of panic attack if I were to experience that at Venice. There are of course many other places, but I feel those too will be too busy. Bologna... I really want it to be fairly beautiful, with the ability for me to somewhat of a tourist, but not to feel as though I am causing damage by my sheer presence.

For the Lake District, I can just go to Windermere or Ambleside and do as is fairly usual. I dislike Ambleside somewhat if I'm honest, but it doesn't take long to get to somewhere significantly more beautiful, and in a way, the corruption is contained a little, if that makes sense.

For Norway, I really don't know. I might roam about. I could even take two weeks: I will have the holiday from next year at that point, I reckon. I would of course have to stop by Oslo, if anything just to see the urban planning... Also, to go to several other places though. I could go Stavanger, and up north somewhere to get to see the lights, with any luck...

Hold on, I'm just planning holidays and calling it a wv!

I suppose it reveals somewhat of my mental state also, and anyways, wv is meant to be unstructured, meant to be unimportant.

I think this really will be good for me though. I'll of course be going on all of these holidays alone: I do appreciate a bit of time to myself, and it afford me the ability to talk to people a little, and not feel forced to move on from a place when I don't want to yet. I like to be able to go at my own pace, and occasionally do things that are going to be difficult to do with others around... For instance, if I encounter animals (squirrels, goats, whatever else) I tend to lock eyes with them, for ten or fifteen minutes. It's oddly captivating. There is a vulnerability in both the animal and in me, a terror of the unknown and unknowable. I couldn't convince someone on a holiday to wait about whilst I stare at a goat for a quarter of an hour. I doubt I'll see many animals in the cities I'll be visiting, but the point stands, that there is always a tension if there is more than one person. So, three holidays alone this year. It'll be somewhat difficult in a foreign country (Italy) where I don't know the language. I'll have to figure it out, though, somehow. Norway might be a little easier, though I'll have to brush up on my Norwegian. Lake District will be fine.

Fun. I guess that's that. I just need to nail down some dates, and get to planning.

(Oh, I also need to go to Devon at some point as well, to sit my RHS exam. That might well be next year, or if I have to do it before I can continue, I suppose I can try force this year. I think it happens at set points, so I'll just have to spare a week for it next year.)

Well, that's that. Have a good one. Hopefully, as and when I go on these holidays, I'll have a good one too.

On task tracking, and art

Fri, 26 Jul 2024 00:00:00 +0000

I've been experimenting with managing my tasks with a notepad where I tick off whether I've done a particular thing in the day, for the past few weeks (or months at this point, I suppose) to be able to keep a track of what I've done, or not done (in the case of vices I want to avoid). It lets me see if a week has been good and productive, or the opposite of that, or somewhere in between. I can then reason about why that might be, and try better next week. I can also spot where I have focussed heavily on one thing, and it has come at a loss of other things.

But I notice something. I just put ticks and crosses for what I've done or not. I decided I would do a sort of points system, where engaging in certain vices is a negative point, and doing something positive is a positive point. I then try to get by the end of the week to a certain number of points, say, 20. Yet, if I engage in a vice, or do a thing once, I'm tempted to engage in the vice again, or not do the thing again when I could, and it would be beneficial. In other words, I can justify myself against that point system by saying, "well, I've already done x bad thing which is -1 point, so I guess I can do it again and I don't lose anything." Of course, this isn't true, as I lose time, and the benefit of doing something more productive. Likewise, I'm not normally tempted to practise guitar twice in a day, or indeed write wv as I am now twice in a day, because I think, well, I won't benefit by it. The goal has become a proxy for real life, and Goodhart's Law states, when a measure becomes a target, it ceases to be a good measure.

How do I deal with this? Well, I guess it's because I'm doing it as a binary done/not-done thing. Instead, I need it to be a more flexible counter, where I can say that writing two wv entries, or practising guitar for an hour, instead of half an hour, counts double. Likewise then, 15 minutes counts for 0.5 I suppose. I think this could lead to a meticulous minute-by-minute tracking, like I used to have when I would even track the beginning and end times I would read books, and which was so cumbersome I eventually gave it up.

Is it worth it?

Right now as well, I'm writing wv, when I am ultimately avoiding practising guitar... arguably, I'm still being productive in some sense, but of course that isn't quite enough. I need to progress with what I want.

I suppose then, for next week, I would modify the tracker to accept a number, and have the number based on either a fixed output (e.g. one wv entry = 1 pt) or a fixed time spent (30 minutes guitar = 1 pt). I suppose in terms of, say, guitar, I can just set an alarm and get into it until the alarm rings. Not sure how I'd do this for the allotment, but still. It would even prompt me to stay in the swimming pool, as I can put one point as say, 50 mins, and then will feel tempted to stay in for the full swim. I guess incentive structures work in a way. That is even though the points don't really mean anything...

Well, there we go. I'm arguably cheating in a way with these wv entries, as I'm really just taking journalling that I would normally do anyways, and using wv to get them "published" and so increasing my output according to the metric with little actual real increase, if that makes sense. The sort of thing one does at work (not me, of course).

<h2>Art</h2> Regarding art, I'm of course not very artistic (only autistic (caustic?)). I do wish I had the ability to draw. Of course, it is something one needs to practise. I have no idea where to start, and would struggle to make the time (there is so much I want to do...). Really, what I want to be able to do is make birthday cards for people. I guess I can just allot time in and try do it, even if it's not very good. I struggle to find time, is what I always say, and yet I find time to waste in pointless vices, or resting without sleeping (or even particular meditation) or all manner of pointless things. I suppose what I ought have is a clearer direction, so that I can gradually work on just one thing, and make definitive gains in that, as opposed to spreading myself too thin.

Still, it would not hurt to try to be more artistic. This goes hand in hand with trying to relax the format of wv a little to allow for art of some kind, or drawing, and that kind of thing.

I've a lot I'm trying to do at the moment. I've got studying, full time work, gym, swim, allotment, and do try to see friends a little at least (less frequently than I should) as well as seeing family. Yet, the more I can do, the better, surely...?

Really, I complain I'm busy, but I'm not any busier than most people. The only difference is I've taken it upon myself to complain all the time. The point of this wv is at least partly to have the ability to complain I guess, that others don't need to deal with it (they still do a little).

And if I still have time to be idle, or to engage in vices, I'm not that busy. A part of the struggle I think comes from trying to overcome my vices, which gives a drag to the day and makes things harder in the short term.

So, perhaps try to just draw, say, twice a week? It won't take much time, and I don't need to draw anything impressive. It doesn't need to be the next Picasso, and in fact it certainly won't be. It could just be the odd sketch. Maybe just add it to the tasks tracker and I'll take it up if it can get me some more points...

Ok, let's make dinner now and actually do my guitar etc.

Have a good one.

On good work, passing by beggars, with additional rambling

Wed, 31 Jul 2024 00:00:00 +0000

It's a fairly meagre Wednesday, where the sky is grey and grim, so I thought, what a great grey day to write a little.

I want to write today a little on good work, which is a topic I wish to explore another time more thoroughly (and citing the books Bullshit Jobs (well known) and Good Work (less well known, by E.F. Schumacher)). Today, I'll just ramble a bit on it really.

I've mentioned pejoratively before that I am one of those insurance folks. A paltry existence, I tide myself over by talking about quota share reinsurance and gross written premium, whilst experiencing the slight modicum of displeasure and discomfort which characterise the apex of my emotional capacity. Really, I work in MI: a role so truly fabricated that I have to explain to any and everyone I happen to meet who asks "so, what is it that you do for a living?" that it is a fancy word for "data guy". My own mother thought I worked in IT for years. Still does, probably.

Naturally, I do not believe it to be virtuous. Does anyone? I had for such a long time a folder in my e-mails entitled Graeberian... the greater blunder therewith was that I hadn't a rule to relocate all e-mail to that folder.

And I'm twenty-three. I'm young, but not so young. My prefrontal cortex is developing at a rate of knots (0.1 knots, to be exact) and I'm maturing, maturating. With it, I have a cognition of myself in twenty years engaging in the same non-action that has lead me here. Do I want to work in insurance for my whole life? The Lord put us on this planet to experience pain and pleasure, not to use the word "MGA" twenty-seven times per day. It's hardly even a word.

The question is what I desire most. The reason, honestly, to work in insurance, is because of money. The word, though dry, dull, dreadfully dull, deadening dull, is still palatable (as ear wax, orange peel, etc.) with a few chats interspersed and a task to keep you from thinking. The pay is alright for the fact.

When I speak with my dad about it, he always says that in a few years I'll be rolling in money... I don't want to! I want to roll about in dirt at the allotment, okay not literally.

For working with money and in an industry that is a financial service, I abhor the stuff. That said, I still oddly want it. I feel as though I'll lose something if I don't have enough. Perhaps the reason why is that I can't afford what I want even with my current (adequate, slightly below average) wages. I want a house, really, I guess. I suppose I think that if I get a lower paid job, I will struggle to get a house or move out of home. It would be, to use the painful term, fiscally irresponsible. Eight letter rule. I would then be a burden, I suppose, more so than I currently am. Is that it? (Not sure, I'm trying to work it out!)

So, what do? I want to work in a job that contributes something too. Insurance does not. Really, it offers a false service (give us money, and we'll give some of it back if you need it), ostensibly to pool risks, which... makes sense, and needs to be done, but I don't think it should be in the private sector. Funds, like Pool Re, Flood Re, etc. are really the ideal way to conduct all insurance, I think. It generates so many jobs as there is such an excess of money within the sector. We tide ourselves over with fake jobs that pay copiously whilst the slaves in India or China do all the actual work, or the 3% of farmers, abused by multinationals, have to squeeze out all the food for the rest of us indolent idlers. God, I just hate it. I don't want to partake in it. I know I do. I want to live somewhat morally, I guess.

What is good work? Clear examples are emergency services (police, fire service...), nurses and doctors, bin men... None of it pays well. It's my greed I think that stops me from doing it. I mean, what stops me from being a doctor is the countless years of training (I feel it's already a bit late).

I just want to alleviate this guilt I feel, I suppose.

Oh, I've rambled about how I'm a terrible person for eight hours a day and not even mentioned how I stroll straight past beggars yet!

That's the second issue I wanted to discuss. I'm not sure on giving to beggars. It feels wrong, of course, to walk past them, but is it really wrong? Does it make me a bad person? I did think about giving to say, HARP each time I walk past a beggar, but I haven't actually done that. Morally bankrupt, and corrupt (but very rich financially! obviously, that relieves me of all sin. We all know the story of the rich man and the widower: the rich man was better because he gave more money than the widower).

Ok, well. I'm sort of out of words. I don't really know what else to put. I should mull this over personally a little more as well. Essentially, I dislike the falsity of insurance work (even to my own parents! My dad works in insurance as well, and I don't want to tell him it's all a crock of shite. But the industry, the work, everything, is just fake. It's just fake. I'm sure he must know by now, but I can't bring myself to talk to him about it...), and do not want to do it for my whole life. Perhaps I ought give myself some false deadline, like that I want to be out of at least this part of the industry by say, the age of 25. At the very least, I think I should actually go into software dev to try it out. Maybe it'll be better. At least then I'm sort of producing something, even if not real. I could feel satisfied with certain sw dev jobs, provided I'm working on a project that is real... Not some fake insurance application or something.

Rambling. I'll stop now. I've technically hit my word limit. Essentially, the topic needs much more thought, but I really want to do something good. Insurance just isn't it.

(Oh, I didn't even mention how this mood was spurred on by my watching a re-wilding channel: Leave Curious.)

Have a good one.

Free Will and Ethics (not worth reading)

Tue, 06 Feb 2024 00:00:00 +0000

Free will is necessary only for the pursuit of ethical behaviour. If all courses of behaviour were equally ethical, and equivalent in that manner, then there would, in the course of the pursuit of good, be no reason for the pursuit of one over the other. The decision becomes arbitrary.

So we say that in a course of behaviour there is an ethical and unethical. The pursuit of the ethical, of the good, is what ought be; the pursuit of the unethical, of the evil, ought not be. I suppose if the man were inherently good, he would follow the good, and in that way be without free will, in the sense that he cannot do otherwise.

Of course, the concept of free will remains fairly undefined, and the best case is to say, it means what you know it to mean, in the sense that Quality remains undefined.

If good is normative, then it occupies a different realm to that of the real world. Hume's law. One might think of it as an overlay.

In the same way, emergent properties are an overlay to reality. There is no forest, only trees. The normative and the emergent feel categorically different.

On the lowest level is the strictly material. These are those matters which participate in reality. Above it (no connotation of hierarchy) are those emergent things. The normative may be emergent?

What is the emergent? Is it the nature or existence of thing above and beyond its parts? Or is it the appearance of a behaviour which is not deduced from the simples? For instance, that water expands upon freezing, due to the arrangement it assumes? Regardless, I presume that the non-emergent is the state posited by mereological nihilism.

Above this are emergent properties. I've heard of the inanimate, and the animate, the human, and the (often only implied) supernatural. Schumacher. I don't really believe this hierarchy, nice as it is. It feels... made up. Even the Metaphysics of Quality seemed to buy into it. An idea of the times. I suppose perhaps it seems to divide the one from the other, and the categories feel arbitrary.

As well to ask is, where to those principles which govern the world come from? For instance, say the universe is subjugate to mathematics, as it often appears to be. To some kind of pure order. What is this in relation to reality? Does it come before (as an axiom of reality)? Does it come after (as an emergent aspect of reality)? Or is it superimposed onto reality (transcendental of reality)? And what is the concrete difference between the latter two of these?

In terms of before and above, we think dimensionally. Transcendence is associated with aboveness, yet is held in an abstract way that allows it to almost take the aspect of a fourth dimension. Is there then a form of overtranscendence, a transcendence of transcendence, a fifth dimension of sorts?

I suppose all of the ideas feel coherent. But the matter of philosophy is the separate of minor concerns. Along each step of the way, there is dissension. Not a single thing can be posited with certainty.

Not even axioms can be held to. What is to be done about first principles? Where do they come? How can we know whether first principles really come first or whether they are not emergent, and conditioned based on experience? Indeed, given that we know our eyes and ears are faulty, it could well be that we have misapprehended the first principles.

And so I suppose that gets onto Pure Reason. I won't pretend to have read Kant's Kritik der Reinen Vernunft, but this likely is significant here. To my knowledge what Kant says (again, haven't read) is that there are a priori constructs (Vorstellungen, representations) which are naturally present in the mind and that the sensory data is processed in accordance with this. This doesn't exactly help, as it just means that as humans we are set out in a certain way to process the information in said certain way, and so have a given interpretation which does not necessarily correspond to reality.

It's late, and I've run out of time for the day. I'll stop here. Not a thousand words, but I guess I can make up for it with a part two...?

Seventy-fifth, and politics

Wed, 25 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000

It is my seventy-fifth wv. Wow! I still remember quite clearly struggling to make it to ten, and now I am two-thirds of my way to a hundred. That's not bad work at all, even if it is just... rambling, a lot of the time. Of course, there is still far to go. If I want to get to a thousand, and assuming I write 30 entries each month (one a day give or take) as I have this month, then I have still got three years at least. In reality, it's going to be longer, as life will get in the way, or I may end up with more writer's block. But it is strange how I'm currently sort of able to just flow and get words onto paper, a thousand at a time, now. I was reading Cory Doctorow's Pluralistic, and an entry about the trueness of the advice to "write every day". Really, writing does seem to come the more you do it; now, not that my words are at all special or at all important, but still.

In terms of writing as it goes, I want to try to do more in the way of poetry/ and prose/. Also, I think I might make blog/ a weekly entry detailling what I have done: sort of a weeklog, but with the actual events of my life. Well, then I should probably find more interesting things to do than just the gym and complaining about how I'm not doing guitar at the moment.

The weather today is miserable, but it is coming up to winter now... seventeen degrees (celsius) which feels pretty miserable, but isn't too bad. It's in that unfortunate zone where we've acclimatised to warmer, but it's not cold enough to call it properly cold and justify a coat, but is just kind of ... grey (a la 0065).

Politics

So, as I was getting ready for work this morning (I'm writing this on the train) I saw I assume it was This Morning or Good Morning Britain or ITV News or something (I never watch TV, so I don't really know) where Kier Starmer was being asked repeatedly by the interviewer (I think her name is Lorraine. Really I never watch TV, so I don't know this kind of basic knowledge - she's a recognisable face, though) to apologise for the winter fuel allowance cuts. She was saying to apologise to, I can't remember the name, let's say Sally. Four times she said: and so, would you apologise to Sally who will be hundreds of pounds worse off after your fuel allowance cuts? And four times he did not apologise instead saying it was necessary or something. The fourth time he said the Tories should apologise, and that they (Labour) are just trying to fix the mess that the Tories left.

The thing is: I wonder in what way this is productive. Or rather, I don't think it is. What is an apology, exactly? Why does it matter if he apologises, if he is still going to make the cuts anyways? It feels like it is just a way to catch him out, and produce a sensational headline. If he apologises, plastered on every newspaper will be: PM APOLOGISES FOR DANGEROUS FUEL ALLOWANCE CUTS, and if he doesn't: PM REMORSELESS ABOUT DANGEROUS FUEL ALLOWANCE CUTS. As in, he can't win, and nobody but the newspaper running ads and getting views win.

Now, I'm hardly new, or the most qualified to comment about the downfall of journalism. It is just a shame. That was good time wasted asking for an apology which, whether gotten or not, is only there to get views and outrage, where instead the conversation could have been a slower paced, more productive discussion of the intricacies of the budget, and trying to find a place for winter fuel allowance to perhaps even be less but still present, so that any (potential) harm is refused. And to be honest, I'm not taking a side, I think they're both terrible (bothsidesism) but I just wish the journalism was a little more productive. Then the government could stop wasting time with them and just actually get work done, or at least the discussion in the public eye would be a little more informed. Instead, so much time is wasted on pointless things like "will he or won't he" instead of sitting down and actually considering possible changes to the budget.

(As an aside, we've just gotten to Pitsea, and the people who normally cross the platform to get the train on the other side found the doors didn't open; then the train just left. So they're going to have to stand about in the rain for the next train on that platform, which is probably 20 minutes I assume. Fun. A girl was running after the train and screaming as well - not sure why...)

I get told by my grandma that it is a shame (and often, that it is by virtue (vice) of my being young (implied: silly)) that I do not stay informed; my opinion is generally that anything of import will make its way to me. I can... sort of understand where she is coming from, in that of course it's good to know what a government is doing to rally revolt before terrors begin, and potentially growing up in the last century she is dreadfully aware of that fact; I meanwhile, growing up in the certainty of governmental corruption and the tangling up of it with corporate interests against the individual (insert wealth consolidation statistics here: the richest 10 people could lose 99.999% of their wealth and still be in the 0.01%, or whatever, etc.) am I suppose inured to it. Not that I don't think it's a shame: it is, but it doesn't stoke emotion in that way. Probably not a good thing. Either way, staying informed is a useless consequence of this, as the information comes from a limited set of megacorporations still, who still exert huge control over what reaches the masses so as to suit their agenda. Generally, extraction of wealth. The news is not helpful nowadays; it is mostly sensationalism. Of course there is a substrate of actual (if cherrypicked) information, but the actual reporting is very much corrupted.

So I'm happy to largely stay out of it. I suppose it is, politically, better to live, not strictly by ideology (which seems to have a rigidity and in turn an inflexibility) but rather by heuristics. For instance, I never would trust a politician, not with my child nor even with a ten-pence piece. Corporate influence is inherently corrupting and should be restrained. etc. Really, I believe I can make more of a change as an individual (neglecting, for one moment, group dynamics, as those are both more efficacious and harder to do: I, as with most people, do not really do anything group-politically) by not eating meat, not buying new clothes, riding my bike instead of driving, trying to avoid plastic (which I have been doing poor on as of late), not buying from Amazon nor supporting Google etc., buying paper not DRM'd e-books, not giving money to streaming services, paying for (Proton)mail and potentially search (Kagi seems very promising - it is a lot of money, but maybe worth it to try?) In other words, my actions everyday have a bigger effect, I think, in the real threat, which is nowadays less of an overtly tyrannical government but rather corporate overreach, aided by government. Of course, it is worthwhile to inform myself to act well, but I do not think the news really has that. It has far-away tragedies (on which I can exert no influence), and excessive reactions to meaningless nothings said by overimportant leaders. Meh. I'll take the everyday actions path myself, I think it does better. Slow and steady and all that.

(In a way, I wonder if it is the same reaction people give when you say you don't have any streaming services: they are more surprised at a life of minimal externally curated information, and rather are surprised that I find information if I need it, and strip away the fat, rather than being on the circus of perpetual information. I don't need most information: I'd rather not process it, and stick to finding what I think is good, and processing only that. As in, the tragedies in Palestine (and it is a tragedy) do not affect me, nor do I affect them; my life is orthogonal to theirs. I only need a "tag" understanding of it (a reference that it exists) and not any particular detail relating to it; certainly, to pursue a history of it would be hobbyist (and not to be derided) but not necessary in any way. Hopefully that makes sense. I've different hobbies, in other words.)

Ok, have a good one.

On what to pick up again

Sun, 13 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000

I'm currently just sitting in my hotel room, and will head out soon. I'm sort of relaxing, but of course it is not like I am properly relaxing, rather I am just doing asocial activities.

It is beginning to get dark, so soon I will want to head out and try to find a place to eat dinner at. That will involve a little bit of effort to find a place that does something that I can ask to be turned vegan (e.g. made without cheese, etc.) but I will I reckon be able to do it.

Now, I will have to come home and catch up on things, but even before that I was a bit behind on many things. For instance, I am looking at thousands, because I have just added press-ups and sit-ups to it. If I actually do these every day, I can make very fast progress, in the order of twelve a day. That will make getting to 1000 very easy, and from there I can change it to 10,000 I suppose. I suppose, looking at the state of /thousands, it is not very impressive. For instance, art has gone up quite a lot recently, but is still only at 17 in total. The gym is only at 37, and guitar has been stagnating at around ten for two months now. Podcast has been of course non-existent for three months. I think really, it would be good to take a kind of last-first approach, where I make sure to do the podcast or the guitar first of all, to ensure that I can get rid of that horrible not-updated-for-three-months label. In other words, I would benefit from trying to ensure that nothing goes without touching for too long.

Wv is something that has actually improved well - I'm at nearly 100. I've exceeded 100k words. I am almost 10% of the way there. Yet, I am not improving as well as I would like, and I know there is no point in me having the guitar in my mind if I am not actually doing it, really. Likewise, the podcast will not actually be in any way there. I think I will still have made good progress on wv and the gym, which are the two that are actually being done. Art is this month getting good progress, but I will need to carry it on for many months if I want any actual gain and improvement, because currently I cannot draw practically at all.

I think adding press-up and sit-up is a good idea precisely because they don't actually involve a lot of work, but will help me to feel as if I am doing some more work than I currently feel I am doing. I am also going to benefit in terms of wv by the amount of writing I am doing: for instance, hopefully, I will have 100 wvs by the end of this month. I've currently written nine this month, and so have eleven more to do, and around eighteen days to do that in. Perfectly easy. I will be able to make gradually progress in what I am doing.

Now, also I need to think about whether I should take advantage in a way of my tendency to drop things after a month or two. For instance, would it be good for me to try the gym, and take advantage of my wanting to drop doing the guitar by telling myself, well, in the time you want to drop the guitar, you can pick up with sketching, or swimming, or one of the other thousands, instead, but be certain not to drop it for too long! In other words, I can take advantage of my short attention span, by ensuring that I still do something to progress the overall goals even when I am slacking. I did that earlier in the year by ensuring that I went swimming (almost) every day when I was not going to the gym for those two months. In the same way, I could try see if that is possible with other things, such as guitar, or drawing. For instance, if I do not draw for the day, I must do guitar. Or something like that. I could try to count the thousands and say that I must progress them by a certain amount each day, but I feel as if that doesn't really take into account real life, where I will always have other things I need to focus on, and so can't necessarily always achieve the target I set myself. Plus, I am not sure whether targets don't make me just not want to do it.

I think, then, I will just add press-ups and sit-ups to the thousands to give me something I can do easy (I could do some in the morning and progress the count by a large amount, easily) and can show that I am actually doing something. Then, when I get back, I can of course immediately sort out the guitar: I may even do a podcast whilst I am here just to clear that one off of the list, and make myself feel good. I can't use the holiday as an excuse not to improve; at the same time, I can't use this idea I have of trying to improve in terms of these metrics as an excuse not to go out and enjoy the city, experience new things, and generally do what I want to do on a holiday (relax). In a way, this is kind of my relaxation for my relaxation: I am away from work and relaxing by exploring a new city, and when my legs grow tired from walking and my mind from all the people and the trying to talk to waitstaff in a foreign language, I am now at the hotel to recuperate by writing. That sort of makes sense in my eyes.

I'll actually head out now for dinner (it's seven in the evening). Have a good one.

Trip to Italy, learning Italian, time management

Tue, 27 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000

Trip to Italy

I've settled on a trip to Italy this year. I am going to go to Bologna - I will fly in from London City into Florence, and then catch a train to Bologna. The reason why, is that the flights direct to Bologna appear only to be from Heathrow, and I really don't want to have to go to Heathrow. So I'll go to City airport, which is a much more pleasant airport experience (or was, when I went there last, which was many years ago now!)

The pain would be that I will probably have to go via a big airport when I go to Norway early next year, but hey.

It won't be too expensive, though flights are pricier than what I thought. It will be about £240 for the flights, then probably £400 or so for accomodation, and I'll be eating out for basically every meal, so I can budget about £300 in food I reckon (maybe less. I think food in Italy is cheaper than over here). So all in all, about £1000 max. It's fairly pricey, but at the same time it is a holiday, and it will be fun! First holiday abroad in a very long time.

I'm not sure what I will do in Bologna, but I think it will be quite nice. I can have a day in Florence as well if I want, but will probably stay in Bologna for most of it. I will explore it well, and try to avoid the busier cities. The reason why I chose Bologna not Florence or Rome is because I want to avoid the places that are too busy. I dislike tourists, or places that cater too much to tourists.

Learning Italian

If I go in mid-October, I've a month, maybe a month and a half, to try to learn a bit of Italian before I go. I haven't done any language learning in a quite long while, but I will try to do what I can. It will involve listening to podcasts (Easy Italian exists, so I may use that), studying the grammar, reading, and so on.

I think it'll be nice to learn Italian though. It will also benefit me if I actually learn Latin at one point - I did start, but didn't really end up keeping it up. If I could learn Italian, it would help a lot with Latin as well. The grammar appears fairly easy to manage: nouns do not decline for case, only gender and number; verbs conjugate for person, tense and mood but only with about four or five verbal paradigms I have to remember (present, past, future, subjunctive I think it was). Once I've got the word order, pronunciation, etc. down, which will require practice, I can do decently well in terms of progress I think in a month. I can write in my journal in Italian, perhaps try to write wv in Italian if I am able to... I think essentially I will need to have Italian be a major focus until I go on holiday, and will hopefully be able to speak a little bit when I'm there.

The usual estimate is what? 120 hours to get good at a language? I have a month and a half, so would need to spend three hours a day on Italian to get to that level. I could theoretically do that: two hours of Italian podcasts (listen to on the train, walks, etc.), an hour of reading, maybe, an hour of studying grammar. Entirely possible. But I have many other things I want to do in terms of time, and so...

Time Management (again)

It seems that time management is a problem again. Even as I write, it is dark, (well it becomes dark now very early, owing to the time of year) and I have still guitar to study... and I'm writing wv instead! My, I write wv too much and take too long to write it too. But I'm not sure if it's really possible to do all that I want to do in terms of time, knowing also that I have studying, and work, and social occasions, etc. all also. I guess there must be a way to do it, but at the moment I do think I lead a very haphazard life, and the idea of managing or perfectly planning isn't really going to cut it. I think, the way that I am adopting, where I try to do a certain thing X number of times in a month is better, of course, because it gives me the ability to do it more when I have more time and less when I don't, within the space of the month.

Italian is beautiful

Just a note on the Italian language as I've been hearing quite a bit today. I find it very beautiful! French is nice as well, but it really does sound very nice... perhaps it's just a dialect, as I heard some Italians in the cafe the other day and found it quite ugly, and didn't find it especially fascinating when I heard Italian spoken at a call at work once (I couldn't understand just about any of it). But hearing it from Easy Italian, it really does sound nice. Maybe it's a dialect thing, I'm not too sure. It just has a lovely flow to it, almost as if it does not break or have any awkward "out of place" syllables but is neatly structured whatever the sentence.

I guess I'll get to know it in more detail if I do study it in depth for the next while, so I'll get to learn. I think the main sticking points are going to be where the accent is placed (it seems a bit random at times: for instance, sapere has the stress on the second syllable, but conjugations of this have it in different places: sappia'mo, sape'te, sa'nno, sapeva'te, sape'vano - I imagine there is maybe something in the verb conjugation itself that does this, or maybe it is just an irregular example). I think gender will be fine as it is marked quite clearly on the nouns anyways so does not require too much memorisation I don't think (may well be wrong), but trying to pick up listening in only a month is a tall order and I might not do very well. Well, I'll try, and see how it goes.

Have a good one!

First Entry: On worrying about leeks

Mon, 22 Jan 2024 00:00:00 +0000

This is the first entry. I've discovered that vim has a very useful feature for this: g followed by Ctrl+g gives me the word count. I just have to subtract the title, and I've got a very convenient way of finding the word count. Vim strikes again!

I'm not sure what to write about. Not that I don't have ideas; rather, I do not know which of these to expound. I feel somewhat unconfident about my abilities anyways when it comes to each of these subjects I wish to speak of.

I'll choose gardening as a first. I only picked up gardening last year really; the year before I grew a few carrots but nothing serious. 2023 was my first serious foray into the world of gardening, and 2024 is shaping up to be even seriouser.

When I started the growing season in March last year, I realised it was more difficult than I had anticipated. Really, the act itself was simple enough. I sowed some leek seed into several pots, initially keeping them indoors then moving them to outdoors, and... that was it. The leeks grew up by themselves. Once they got to a good size in about June or July, I dibbed holes in the ground, stuck them in, drowned them as for some reason you are meant to with leeks, left them, and a few months later I had harvest.

The problem was not the act itself though: it was my thinking about the act. I expended countless thoughts about these leeks. And they're just leeks, for goodness sake!

Firstly, I worried that when they were indoors that they would be damage by the flies around them. The flies themselves were a symptom of my over-watering, but I kept trying to drown the pot in water to drown the flies with it. I found small imperfections in the young leeks and seized upon them as caused by the flies. In reality, they were just natural imperfections, and the flies harmless sciarid flies. But I needed to worry.

So then, I took the leeks outside, to cure the issue with the flies. I could have just not constantly drowned the leeks of course, but I couldn't control myself. I wanted to drown away the flies with them. I bought yellow sticky paper to hopefully quell the flies as well. The sight of the hundreds of dead flies stuck to the paper, always at least a couple of them twitching their legs was for me just a part of the day. I thought I was saving the leeks.

When I took them outside, I stayed worried. The flies were still there! It was raining often as well, and very cold out still. Would the leeks be ok?

And so on and so on. They were never real problems I had with the leeks. They were problems of my imagination. And of course, as soon as they went in the ground (and I more or less forgot about them, choosing to worry about other crops and flowers instead) they... were perfectly fine. (Un)surprisingly, the result of millions of years of evolution doesn't really need me to frenetically fret about some flies that are in the soil around it. It can do perfectly well by itself. All it needs is a bit of water if it's particularly dry, and some decent soil or compost to keep it healthy. Beyond that, I don't really have a place.

That last sentence sounds depressing, but it really isn't. I don't have a place in these things really. I am just there to move a couple things about and protect against the extremes (too little water, too much, too little sun, too much). Beyond that, the plants do it all. It's a common sentiment in the gardening world that mother nature does most of the work, and it's completely true. It hasn't managed to quell my ego much, but it may well do in time.

The lesson here is obvious, and probably doesn't need spelling out. That said, I'm only about seven hundred words in, and need to pad it out to a thousand. I can't write very well like this. Yet oddly, on some days, I have written to four or five thousand words. Mostly repetitive, mostly complaining. I think I am trying to hold myself to a slightly higher standard here. Not that I have a mode of writing I am aiming for, rather a mode of writing I am trying to avoid, that is, the mode of writing in which I repeat thoughts over and over as a form of self-catharsis. I cannot imagine that is healthy. I do it all too often still.

I will hopefully not worry so much about these trivial matters this year. I can leave the leeks to sort themselves out. The interesting thing about gardening is how slowly it happens. Everything is on a timescale of weeks, not of days or minutes. There is no boss harrowing you about deadlines or performance. Instead, you work to your own pace, and accomplish what you put into it, and what Mother Nature desires to happen in that year.

I intended to speak about the idea of gardening as a form of parenting. I felt, in those days fretting about my leeks, like a parent of a young child. I didn't know whether the small patch of pinkish skin was the beginning of a dire rash, or just... some pinkish skin. I couldn't tell whether the tears were for food or water or from a pain of some kind. Like the child, the leek couldn't tell me exactly what it needed. Yet, as with parenting, generally, things work out. A good amount of it is out of your control as a parent. The small part that is within your control is vitally important, yet unimportant at the same time. It reminds me of the study mentioned in Ultra-processed People: that a child left to choose its diet for itself will choose the most optimal diet for it. Even when the decisions the child is making appear to be the wrong choices, it is always for a reason, and generally the child deciding of its own will eat the perfectly optimal diet for its own health. It reminds me of Cleanthes' analogy of the dog and the cart.

Hopefully, as and when I get around to having children of my own, I can put this to the test. And whilst I don't, I ought to simply stop worrying about the leeks.

There's my thousand for the day. It is surprisingly difficult to continue writing past around six-hundred, but hey ho. I'll get used to it in time.

Have a good one!

Various ramblings

Mon, 09 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000

These first two points are arguing benefits of the new activities; the rest is rambly other notes.

Separation of diary and journal

The main purpose of this is to ensure that the diary only tells me the events of the day; it can be used as a proxy of the task list, and in fact can serve to replace it entirely, given that I will list in the diary all of the things that I do in terms of my tasks. The task list does show more clearly what has been done and what needs to be done, but in a way that is more... depressing, and relates to the previous mode of endless pursuit of efficiency or of progress. As such, the diary is essentially a less depressing tracker of tasks as well as a measure of the things I did during the day.

The journal on the other hand serves the usual purpose of documenting thoughts, rambling, etc.

Movie night

Alongside getting more social events, movie nights and other things, the main purpose of this is to allow for a period of destressing, where media is not inherently meant to be productive, but is meant instead to relax. The reason for a movie above a series is the lack of commitment needed: to watch a movie, all is needed is a few hours, where to watch a series time is needed to commit to the entire series, and possibly even later series. It may take multiple sittings, and so contributes to mental load.

Likewise, going out has the same advantage, only it is outside of the home, and so gives the usual benefits expected of that.

Recovery

The ideal seems to be having good recovery modes. That means if I get set back, or in some way lose progress, I can still end up progressing over the course of time because I end up resuming, only with a different mindset or mode. I have done this for about a year in terms of health for instance, where I began just doing weights in my room, then transitioned to training on the bike, then went back to training in my room, and now to the gym; I am continuing the training but in a way learning and changing it over time, beginning new things that maintain the overall progress. I think this is a good thing; sadly, it doesn't apply to everything. For instance, I do not do the same in terms of guitar and I don't know how to do it. I suppose the style in terms of guitar is to still practise guitar, but instead of just doing Here Comes the Sun all the time, to learn other things, and so continue to progress but not necessarily on the same thing. Really, I don't think that I am progressing well by just practising Here Comes the Sun, so I suppose this approach would be good to do.

I think I heard somewhere about this: having good recovery modes in case of failure. I think that was in another context, but I think it applies here. If this is the case, I will end up trialling slight variations on each approach, and thereby orient myself towards the optimal solution... this also reminds of JReg's idea about frameworks. In other words, my framework regarding, say, exercise is to attempt different methods, i.e. home-gymming, bike-riding, gymming, and I orient myself towards the one that works for me over time. Likewise, in terms of doing the guitar, I just need to keep on doing it and orient myself towards the best way of learning guitar for me (which may change over time) and can then find a good system over time.

I think that makes sense!

Close, and what wv is about

For quite a while I've been deliberating over creating the "perfect" systems language, a C wrapper I've called Close, after an operating system (that never became anything) and the idea for the associated language, etc. that I was thinking of and developing a bit (using some C# library that does OSs) - I wonder if I could deliberate about the language development in wv as well. Maybe though, that is just me foisting whatever I can into wv to just try to pad out the words. Really, I still don't know what I want to write in wv, or what I should. The concept of a wordvomit is confusing in itself: I suppose it is used for any unstructured writing that is not really worth reading in a sense but is rather only there for the satisfaction of the writer, or I suppose, is there to get words out without being "quality", in some sense.

I think that it really doesn't matter what I put here. That said, I don't want to use this as a way to expound on language design, especially given how bad at it I am. I think that would be better served with an individual page on the website; otherwise, I am really just padding out the words by saying the same thing many times. (Isn't that what I do already?)

I suppose I have enough words to play with to discover this, or to spend some time (later) to consider what I actually need to do in terms of writing, and whether I want to (or should, here) write anything more meaningful. The issue is partly that I have several places in the website I want to write to: I have the /wv page, which is used for... I suppose less structured writing, /blog, which is for a blog (but what is a blog?), /poetry and /wr which are more clear.

So, I could make the following distinction: /wv is for general, unstructured wordvomits which may or may not be on a worthwhile topic; /wr is for proper writing, specifically prose; /poetry is for poetry not prose, but again it's for writing that I might call "good" (well, I wouldn't say anything I write is good, but the hope is that with time I might get better at it). Then what is /blog? I suppose it could be for personal life updates, but that would be the point of /now, I suppose. It could be for writing that is on a specific point and so is less rambly than wv, but is not quite an artistic project as /wr or /poetry are meant to be. I think this could be a sensible delimitation.

I'll have to mull it over.

For now, have a good one.

On striving for a perfect week

Sun, 11 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000

If I plan to do a certain set of actions perfectly within the week, what is earnt by my performing it? Is it an admission of incapability if I do not succeed with it?

Plan for next week

I mostly scheduled my time at some point this week (yesterday), such to allow me to adequately achieve all of my goals that I want this week. This will be:

Go to the gym on three days (Mon morn, Wed eve, Fri morn); do home exercises on the other two days (Tues eve, Thurs eve), as well as a swim Sat and Sun morn;
Practise guitar each day (arranged as: before work on the days I go into London; after on the days I am not; anytime on the weekend);
have time for the allotment (only this week, due to not being in London on Wed);
cook and eat good dinners;

It'll require a fair dedication to ensure I do not slip up, but it is certainly feasible. I'll report back I suppose how it goes.

I've actually forgotten about some work drinks, so the exercise on the Thurs will be difficult, but fine as it does not interrupt the three gym days...

Compromises

If I go to the gym and do exercise this much, it really impacts the amount of time I have available for the allotment. I am struggling even currently, but of course it won't get better if I don't give myself any time to improve it. Really I should look at say, eight hours in a given week to improve it.

Perhaps I can forego the gym altogether the week after, and focus solely on the allotment? This will net me a good bit of time: nineteen hours in total, I'd say. I can do it piecemeal, dealing with one bed at a time, until it is in a decent shape again.

The allotment is a bit of disaster this year, though, so I'm not overly concerned if it gets a little neglected. I can always take better care of it next year, where I will allocate a lot more time to it.

Exercise Routine

Mon, Wed, and Fri are going to be pull, push, and leg days respectively.

Essentially, these are pulled from strengthlog.com.

I will do, for the pull day:

Deadlift
Barbell Row
Lat Pulldown
Dumbbell Row
Face Pull (if I can find the rope handles...)
Barbell Curl
Preacher Curl (if I can figure out how to load less weight onto the preacher bar)
Rowing

For the push day:

Bench Press
Overhead Press
Incline Dumbbell Press
Dumbbell Lateral Raise
Dumbbell Chest Fly or the Fly machine
Barbell Lying Tricep Extension (maybe...)
Potentially some machines (e.g. chest press, shoulder press, ...)

For the legs day:

Squat (with barbell)
Romanian Deadlift
Bulgarian Split Squat (maybe... I'll be embarrassed to do this haha)
Seated Leg Curl (machine)
Leg Extension (machine)

I will also need to do core (abs) and obliques on the Tues and Thurs. For this I will most likely do (at home, not at the gym) ... Obliques:

Oblique Crunch
Lying Windshield Wipers
Side Plank

Abdominal:

Sit up
Plank
Leg Raise
Ab Whell Roll out (if I can find a wheel somewhere at home)
Crunch
Dead Bug

Basically, it's a general work out of these parts. Hopefully I can get it going regularly and begin to improve.

Weirdly, I don't feel that I'm progressing, but of course it happens slowly, and for the past while I have not really been going to the gym (instead preferring swimming). I guess it is as I am also not losing weight, either; I am consistently at a decently healthy weight though, which is good, I guess.

Giving up here a little earlier than I wish I could. Have a good one.

(Actually, a topic I could pad this a little with is whether it's acceptable to write less than the thousand words. I believe so, but only because I on other occasions write more than 1,000 words for this. As such, the average word count is still over 1,000, so I'm sort of in the clear.)

(Also, should I try to pursue brevity in these? Or is there no way to reach 1,000,000 words without a bit of verbosity? I agree I shouldn't needlessly pad it out, but also I think there is an extent to which I have a lot of words to play with here - I needn't be precious about them. And of course, I am writing for myself, not for anybody else.)

Violin

Mon, 30 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000

I have been eyeing up a violin that is being sold on eBay. I used to play violin a little as a child, and as with guitar got to grade one, but I stopped playing at about 11 or 12. With guitar, I stopped a bit later - my late teens, but really I was playing because my parents paid for me to have lessons, not out of a passion for the instrument at that time, and so I never really learnt. For instance, I barely practised at all (it became a bit of a running theme with the tutor where she would tell me to practise more..) and I improved slowly. Now, at 23, I want to be able to play an instrument. I have the guitar of course, which sits in my room often getting little attention. But I do like the idea of playing the violin...

The thing is, not only do I have no idea exactly what I would play, but I also just can't play, so there would have to be an extended period of study before I could actually play anything of note on the violin. Of course, I would also want to be able to do the same on the guitar (which I in no way can at the moment) but cannot at all.

(The bid has now ended so I'll have to look at a different one if I want one.)

See, I don't know whether it's worth trying to go after that. I am really not sure in terms of trying to pursue too much, or focussing on a few specific things. For instance, at the moment I am struggling even to get guitar into my life in a way that is sufficient for my desires; how would I do guitar and violin and art and gym and Italian and reading and wv and blog and poetry and prose and allotment and... well whatever comes next, but I guess the problem is I am trying to do a lot, and I should really try to cut it down, and just focus on a smaller set of things. I can take things one at a time as well; for instance, in terms of the gym, I really just want to get in a good shape. I can do that by losing weight (and I will pursue weight loss next month, by just dieting and eating less). Hopefully I can in the next few months kick a few pounds off and have a nicer stomach (is the goal). But really, the thing is, I am focussing on too much, and I need to focus my attention more narrowly at a smaller set of items, and not try to constantly go towards new things that I know I will inevitably end up dropping sooner or later.

The thing with it is, the main thing is a consistent period. I should probably measures in thousands what the consistent period for the things are; for instance, the consistent period for the gym is about five months (I've been going since April) where I've been consistently doing it, but not always three days a week or to meet a particular expectation I set myself. Yet, because I am still going and doing it, I am actually seeing gains: my arms are certainly bigger and more muscular than they previously were, which is the proof of my labour. Likewise, I can get the proof of having written wv fairly consistently these last two months (23 in August, 39 in September) because of the huge increase in the number: I've gone from around ten, to around eighty, in two short months. That is the proof of my work, even if it not something that exactly fills me with a huge pride at all, and even if I still have problems, e.g. I now want to begin writing the blog more, and doing that twice weekly as well, and am sure that everything that I write in wv is neither useful nor actuallly necessarily best suited for wv; some of it probably belongs in blog or somewhere else. That said, I could definitionally define wv to be "anything provided it meets the word-count suggestion" and I think that that is probably a wise way to go about it; in that case, I have successfully gotten to my eightieth wv and can feel decently proud about the fact. 96k words (as I write a little more than 1k words each time).

So, in terms of violin, perhaps best to leave it. I think that I can stick to the few thousands that I have - wv, gym, guitar, art, (maybe) the podcast (I don't release that btw). Also, I note that a lot of the time Visa's wvs are more prescriptive, whereas mine are more deliberative; I think this really as he is more knowledgeable than I am, and better capable, and so he can give proscriptions, whereas I can at best ramble about a topic and hope to approach sense, if that makes sense.

I've certainly improved as a person in the last year though, even though there is a long way to go. I think the gym is main thing I can see proper progress on, likely due to the sheer amount of reps: 37, which isn't many but is far more than the guitar or art. I will of course this month aim to get an additional thirty reps onto art, bringing it up to 35 by the end of the month. I will aim for 45 at the gym (factoring in that I can't go to the gym for eight or so days due to being in Italy). That is eight in 22 days, or every third day, easily done. I will aim to do a bit of guitar again this month as well, otherwise I will be too demotivated. And of course, it would be good to resume the allotment a little. A lot to do.

That's next month though, and there is still about three hours left until then. For now, I will give up on the idea of the violin, and focus on guitar instead; maybe once I get proficient at the guitar (not even as an expert, but just decent enough to play) I can look at the violin. By that time, I may have less to do in terms of the gym (which can be maintained after a while) and Italian, and possibly even the allotment (once I sort of get the hang of it). I just need to get each of these to a decent state, and then I'll be happy with just maintaining them, I think. (Also, I waste so much time at present that potentially I do just need to take the productivity pill, as is suggested just about everywhere ("productivity pill" as in "red pill", not as in a drug: I mean doing all the time management and ya di ya).

Anyways, so I've got my duties for the month. Blog writing (eight times at least), gym (eight times at least), Italian study a little more before the trip, and drawing every single day. That, combined with the usual LM2 and RHS study might be difficult, but I can also "reconvene" myself at the end of each week and work out what went well and what didn't. In fact, doing so at the end of a day would be good, too. I just need to clear the time, and sort myself out in terms of a fairly consistent schedule.

That's all. I was really writing to talk myself out of impulse purchasing... Have a good one.

/thousands, and gym routine (again!)

Sat, 21 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000

/thousands page

In terms of having projects that can be put towards the goal "do a thousand of something", I would benefit I think from having a /thousands page on my website. This would just be a simple page with a counter (I could do a fancy progress-bar style tracker here, I'm sure there's HTML for it, like a progress bar sort of thing) that goes between zero and a thousand, with the number and when the last instance was. So for instance, I could have the bar for wv be at 71, the bar be 7.1% filled along, and the last instance date (maybe find a catchier name...) be at 2024-09-21.

I could do many things with this thousands idea. To enumerate the main things that would work under it, for me, I think would be:

Gym sessions;
Drawing/sketching;
Guitar;
Learning to sing (to complement guitar);
wv entries;
Allotment, though I'd need to work out what exactly counts as one instance;

That is in itself a fair bit, and I could probably add other things (and may well do if they fall into my head...)

Gym routine

I said some wvs that a good routine to try for the gym would be to lay out for the week (by three sessions) the things I want to be done in the week, and then decide on the day what it is that I want to do. That would be a combination of free weights, machines, and for all important parts of my body, ideally those that I neglect now as well: chest/pecs, back, biceps, triceps, forearms (neglected), abs (negl.), obliques (negl.), lats, traps, shoulders/delts, rotator cuff, lower back, glutes, legs.

That is about fourteen items, and whilst some will require more than one exercise, I could do it quite reasonably in the three days I have.

Or. I dedicate more hours to the gym, if I want better gains. I current give a day of rest in between each set, but of course that is rest for a particular muscle group, so is unnecessary if I make sure to just rest each group by at least one day. So, I could then go four, or five times a week, if I felt so inclined. It all depends on my schedule, as of course an evening where I go to the gym is one I can't really do anything else in (save for eat dinner and maybe read or something). Then again, what do I want to do in an evening after work? And could I make my meal prep quicker (perhaps prepare in bulk and heat up, or do something at the same time as heating up, or...) to sort that out as well?

Then, I think I could prepare a list of things that I have the knowledge to do well, with correct form, and do those. I think that would be a better way: to become more generally knowledgeable about the gym (although, in a different mental state, that is more conducive to doing it, now, that I have gone through this - often, the same thing is the solution and the mindset the problem) and to then do those more often perhaps. When can I go? Well, I could theoretically go on Saturday and Sunday both days, Monday and Friday morning of course, and could top it up with Wednesday evening. That gives five days (of seven) where I could go, so could actually see quite good gains in that. I suppose I just need to not be shy to go on the weekends, as I have been, and to not skip two days (I had in mind to skip Sat and Sun because I'll go Mon) fixating on, and using as a justification, the need to rest. I just need to make sure I am training different muscles.

For instance, if I went tomorrow (Sunday), I could still go Monday provided I trained different muscles.

So, a push-pull-legs routine, if going five days a week, could work if I just skipped one that is less important (can change each week, I guess). Then I decide on the day which of the types I want to do each day. In fact, I might well go tomorrow to bump the number to #35, and to get in a workout. Then, I need to decide on a set of things I would do on each day (probably lists already premade, but let a man discover - discovery helps reinforce) and for each, in turn becoming more knowledgeable about the parts of the body and what does what, I suppose.

The split would be a push routine covering (chest, triceps, shoulders), pull routine covering (biceps, back, abs, obliques, forearms), and a legs routine. I think legs is fairly short, as there is not a lot I can do, so I could pad some things into that... whatever I do, if I maintain the split, then I won't get in trouble in terms of not resting.

I guess I won't develop what I do here as no one wants to see that, but I think I've just talked myself back into going to the gym more. Why is it so addictive? I guess I do want to see gains, and I'm seeing them quite slowly at the moment.

The system is one day in the middle (Wed), with four consecutive days (Fri, Sat, Sun, Mon) around that, and (Tue, Thu) as rest days. That allows Wednesday to be a general purpose "do whatever", with more restriction on the weekend days in terms of not overlapping what I do. I could do something like ... I guess, Fri pull, Sat push, Sun legs, Mon pull and push both. Could that work?

I guess the problem with this is, am I going to do it? The problem is with finding the time to do the gym so often, especially considering the time to ride there and the time to dedicate to it. I sort of struggle fitting it in, and should try to do something different...

And in terms of the other things, I suppose I get a bit of a pressure not to leave them too long, if I adopt the tracker for thousands... I just somehow feel like this won't work.

Also, movie - I didn't watch one on Friday, so I could watch one tomorrow?

I am writing a lot of wv recently, and am happy for that (is it just turning into a blog), but I need to consider what I'm going to do in terms of time management. It seems as if I am low on time, but of course, I must be able to do it... I guess I need to try to do what I can. Of course, there is a lot of things that take me away from it, and I just need to realise that I can't have it all (I don't have the time.) But I can do a decent bit, and still progress. If I focus a lot on the gym this year and next, I can make the kind of progress I want, and then can try to shift a bit more to guitar and whatever else...

Or, maybe I'll realise that I just manage my time badly.

Have a good one.

Progress on /thousands

Wed, 16 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000

I have, in three days, gotten sit-ups to 110, and press-ups to 82. This is a decent improvement, and actually I can already see improvements in the amount of press-ups I can do: I have gone from only a few press-ups (well, about six) that I could do, to having done tonight ten. I think actually it is not to do with having gained muscles, or anything like that: after all, I would not have gained any particular strength in just a few days. Instead, it is I would say to do with the quote-unquote mind-muscle connection. I can do ten because I am not being sabotaged by my own mind telling me to give up too early.

The mind has an unusual power. I wonder how much of capacity is due to the mind limiting what can actually be done, and how much is a true incapacity. For instance, when I begun the gym, I could not lift very much: I could only push about 15kg on the chest press. Now, I can push a lot more now (about 42.5kg, maybe a bit more here and there), but did so by making fairly fast gains. Certainly, there are gains that are made: I can tell that because my muscles are actually bigger. But I wonder how much the initial gains were actually just me getting more "used" to the idea of doing the exercise.

Likewise, I am now taking creatine (well, I've had a week of not taking it because I've been on holiday) and wonder, if I do get any benefits from it (I can't say I've so far felt any advantage from it) whether again, those benefits are placebo, or actually as a result of the effects of a full store of creatine; probably, a little of both.

Anyways. The point of my adding press-ups and sit-ups to /thousands is so that I, at least partly, have something where I can see I'm making much faster progress. I wonder if there should be some kind of "minimum bar of difficulty" for the thousands. For instance, wv and the gym are both quite difficult to a thousand of. Both will require several years of dedicated effort. Likewise for doing the guitar, or art. For instance, if I continue to do one drawing per day (which, if the drawings do get better, which I don't think they will for a long while even if I continue it every day) I will get to 1,000 drawings after three years. However, for squats, press-ups will get to 1,000 after fifty days if I do 20 each day, and if I do more than that, even less. For instance, if I do fifty, then I will be looking at only 20 days to complete. Of course, once I hit 1,000, then I will be able to increase it to 2,500 or something like that. The question is, whether this is really an effective way to handle it, or whether I should have it be higher from the start (e.g. set it to 100,000). Really, I suppose it doesn't matter. See, I am overthinking things, and falling into the problem of thinking too much about details and not about just following through whatever I have at the time. Really, the entire point of the thousands system is to try to generate motivation and tracking for myself to do tasks, in a way that does not provide excessive overhead in terms of tracking (that will then kill my desire to do the thing) and just provide a metric. Ultimately, it does not matter what the goal is. I can always amend these later. The point is, I need to do them regularly. For instance, I need to do press-ups every single day without fail, or drawing much the same, or wv where I can, to make sure I am always progressing in what I do.

Still, I think there is advantage in putting a few things into thousands that are easy to do, because I know I can see a good boost in the progress bar when I do these, where for instance the progress for other things, e.g. wv is far far smaller. I would have to write 20k+ words in order to get the same progress I would get for maybe two or three minutes of press-ups. And, once I get the ability to do more press-ups, both in that I am healthier and in that I will have overcome the limitations my mind places on me, I will be able to knock through maybe fifty press-ups per day (being able to do more at a given time, thereby making it easier to get a higher number) and whatever other exercises as well (also: consider whether to drop sit-ups for just plank) and hopefully will see certain gains from that physically, and will be able to soon get a milestone done and feel more confident from that, I suppose.

Have a good one.

(Also, yet another day where I've not hit 1,000 words!)

On wasted time

Thu, 05 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000

Last night, I essentially wasted the night. Well, not entirely wasted, as I worked on my scripts for the website a bit, and sorted out some bugs, etc., but mostly wasted. This morning, I've done absolutely nothing, save for listen to a little music and make breakfast.

I wonder what wasted time is? I suppose I consider the time wasted as it is given to nothing in particular, where nothing is things like, lounging about, listening to music, etc. but where I want instead to do something clearly unpleasant and productive, like going to the gym. In fact, both last night and this morning I had intended to go to the gym, but put it off (I'll go tonight - actually, I promise!) thereby causing this kind of feeling of wasted time.

In reality, this relates to what I said before on the nature of vice as well in 0039, that optimal mood, and here wasted time, and what I call sin or vice, are all really manifestations of the same thing, namely the conflict of the desires of the lower urges and the higher reason. Strange how many things can be summarised in this way, and yet the exact relation of the LU and the HR is not fully expounded; I suppose still everyone understands what is meant by these terms though, as they appear common to all people...

That said, I've still not really worked out whether the LU or the HR are best to follow. It seems as if occasionally LU are better, for certain things, and HR is better for others. Certainly, I would benefit more from going to the gym (HR) than staying in bed listening to The Smiths' "I Know It's Over" on repeat (LU). Then again, appreciation of music can be a higher activity... Is anything pleasant to the senses a LU? Maybe not necessarily, but it seems LU tends towards valuing those things. I wonder if I should seek unpleasant situations, at least whilst I'm young, so as to experience better pleasure as an adult (not 23, that's not an adult... not like this)... right? But then, also, I should enjoy my youth? Am I looking at a false dichotomy here?

That said, there is a further distinction to be made between experiences initially unpleasant then turning towards pleasant, and those which go the other way. For instance, to rest in bed is pleasant, but soon becomes unpleasant as the thoughts of laziness and the boredom (or, languor of sorts) itself predominate; likewise, to go to the opera alone as I will in January has an initial unpleasantness about it, but may pleasant if I come to enjoy the opera, or if I engage in good conversation with the people there. The latter is better than the former.

(God, it sounds so posh of me to say I'm going to go to the opera! I'm not aristocracy, I promise! I just want to try it out a bit and see if it's any good.)

So, generally I have made a distinction between the origin of an action. I earlier specified that the act was the fundamental unit of ... something, but should elucidate this now. (I speak as if I'm the all-knowing narrator)

The act which I at some point set out as the main unit of action and declared somewhat to be a moral imperative, is then I suppose the act desired by the higher reason. For it is instinctive and natural to act according to the lower urges, which breeds vice, sin, wastage of time, etc. Yet, if I in the moment act according to the higher reason, if the higher reason is saying something better, then I will be in a better place. I think, in a cyclic kind of way, that is what I was getting at.

I'm not sure how I'm helped by all this. I feel it's almost worse than the natura saporifica problem. I'm just saying obvious things in a verbose way. It's not even good philosophy.

The fundamentals of it is, I need to try to pursue what my HR says over the LU. I think. Or at least, well, I know what I need to do, what does all this writing about it over and over help?

Carrots/Crops

I've managed this year to grow some very small carrots. They're purple ones, F1 though, but they're really nice tasting. I need to next year get all my growing in order, and actually do a good job of it all, the allotment and the garden. It'll actually start this month, as I should pot up the orange and the cherry tree a little before the new season, and so they have a bigger pot and more nutrients/space to root. I'll also plant out the garlic in about October and sow onions this month in September to give them time before the new year to grow a little and overwinter. I reckon it'll be mild.

So much to do. I still don't know the best way to schedule my time, to get everything done I want to. Maybe just write it all out, somewhere, and tick it off bit by bit. I've enough notepads to do that.

Confined

Currently, I'm in my room on a Thursday, working. I've also been writing this wv in the time I've got free or between things or now during lunch, but really that is what I'm doing today. It feels very oppressive, and I'm not sure why.

The first reason could be the heat. Currently the thermometer is faced away from me; even that feels oppressive, that I must get up to move it now. It's 21 degrees. I've the two laptops before me: work and this personal laptop. I'm sitting on my bed, itself which feels... unpleasant. But there is nowhere better to sit in my room: my desk is full of things, and the seat is not as comfortable. See, I could fix all this easily.

And then I've a general weight on my mind, from the wasted time earlier. Even today at work has been fairly slow and wasted in a sense, I haven't done much. I'm not sure what to work on first. It's not like I don't have things I need to do. So let's go clear my desk, I suppose, and get a glass of water to stop possible dehydration too. Let's just fix things!

And now I've tidied up a bit, I've got my laptop on my desk, and a bit of water down me, and though I still don't feel incredible, I feel better.

Strange, how the small things count.

Well, such is life. I guess I have a decent power to fix things like that. It does have a surprising effect; I spoke the other day about the power of a shower, too. It feels wrong in a way to do these things during work hours, but if it is what I need it's what I need.

Ok. Have a good one.

What does my higher reason want?

Thu, 05 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000

I have read most of idiomdrottning's texts about the GTD method, and have decided I will try to implement it a little, at least for those tasks that can be considered almost todo tasks. But really, I want to codify the different types of things that I want to do, and see if I can work out something for each of them. Can different types of task be handled by GTD?

A list of things that are vaguely involved in my life at the moment or I want to be (alongside work that I shall not list below):

Study of RHS and LM2
Allotment
Overcoming vices
Gym
Guitar
Drawing
wv, and more generally the website
Diarising
Poetry and structured writing
Better self-care (e.g. shaving on a regular basis)
Going to the opera, or generally what one might call outside leisure)
True relaxation (i.e. doing nothing whatever)
Watching media (I do little, would like to do a little more in a way)
Working on the bike (e.g. regular maintenance, degreasing and oiling, etc.)

One-shot task

This is what the todo list excels in. A task that can be written down like "call Tom", or "pot up onions" would fall under these one-shot tasks, presuming that they are not time-bound in some way.

Of mine, one-shot tasks would be few, as most of my tasks fall into more project or recurrent types, I would say.

Recurrent duties

A recurrent task occurs regularly at fixed intervals, potentially more or less rigidly with regard to time. From the above list, I think the gym and guitar would fall under these activities. For instance, to make good progress on the gym, I would need to go every other day or around three times a week. As such, it is something I would schedule to happen on a regular basis in that way.

The below category maintenance - which I feel is actually divided along somewhat different lines - would be classed as recurrent if for instance it needs to happen regularly, e.g.

Maintenance (cooking, also shaving etc.)

Any job that is maintenance would fall here: cooking would be maintenance of the health of the body, as would showering, shaving, etc. Now, these can be missed, though for a price (e.g. a missed shower causes a poor feeling and a bad smell) but should be generally upheld.

As for myself, I shower most days (I occasionally don't if I'm not leaving the house), and almost always cook well. However, I do not shave often, and am not very good at it in fact. As a result, one thing I want to work on is to better maintain myself, and really to ensure I have the equipment to do it in the first place (I currently use a pair of scissors both to maintain my hair and my beard, which is very patchy anyways).

Infrequent maintenance (e.g. the bank)

There are some maintenance jobs that I currently don't do that I ought. I am thinking of banking, which I hate, but I know I should sort out ISAs and all that jazz. I really don't want to do it, but I know I have to at some point...

One off short jobs (e.g. the dishes)

These are one off jobs for short things that have to be done. I do the dishes but occasionally leave them and just have the crockery in my room until I feel like doing it. I know this is a bad habit.

Projects

Say, dexter. These need some time alloted to them, but I can't exactly promise myself a time frame of when they will be done.

Study

RHS, LM2. These need consistent hours each week allotted to them.

Also, now, study of Italian, which should have a little bit dedicated to it each day if I can.

Passive relaxation

As in, watching media (say, a movie). I don't do this enough, and I really would like to in a way, as I always feel good when I do.

Active relaxation

Recreation, in other words. I find it interesting how recreation has the word creation in it. This will be things like going for a walk, or doing some light gardening, or inspecting for harvest, or these kinds of things.

Opera also falls into this category. Anything where I am doing something, but it is a recreational or pleasure activity, is active recreation. Even seeing family falls into this.

Non-action

As in, doing nothing at all, for the same of mental relaxation. I suppose napping for energy can also be put into here. I would need to allow time for this to happen.

Generally

Generally, I do always feel as though I don't have enough time, but also I've put on a very productivity focussed view of life, and reduced the pleasures that I can experience, which in turn actually hurts another of my goals, I imagine, namely trying to overcome vices. Vices are really just those things the body finds comfortable (but that the HR dislikes - I think this terminology I'm adopting is thoroughly stupid).

So, I guess the main thing is that, from the list above, I want to increase:

Self-care
(potentially) true relaxation, though I do enough of this already probably
Active recreation (i.e. opera, and movies too; generally, media intake)

Then, I want to get off my head the tasks that are always on my head, like sorting out the banks. This will actually spare a bit of time as I always waste time thinking about it. And generally I'll feel a lot better having less on me.

I'm being pretty open to trying different productivity things, and seeing what I can do to get it more done. At the same time, I think the focus on productivity is actually hurting me. It's killing me, honestly. I need to have an amount of downtime, and media is a form of downtime that will help me. Generally, I need to focus on making specifically going outside for media (not just opera, but comedy gigs more often as well, for instance), and generally engaging in media, e.g. watching movies at home, more common, to give me a chance to unwind. I haven't done that for a while.

I suppose the problem is, I don't know how I'll manage all that I want to do and also have time to recreate (?). But generally I guess I'll see how it goes.

Ok, have a good one. It's too late in the day and I really should go to bed.

Various notes on improvement

Sat, 03 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000

I felt a bit tender this last week. I'm not really sure why. I had incredibly poor sleep on Monday, and, when one of my colleagues made a comment that was meant in a perfectly good way, I ended up on the verge of tears (he just said, more or less, 'why did you do x'). I of course did not cry at all, and really just when I went to the bathroom a bit later went, 'oh, I'm in a mood' and then picked it back up. It's strange though, and I'm not really sure why I was so easily disturbed. The whole week I feel I have been a little on edge in that way. Hey ho.

As for my attempt at improvement, it's not been impressive this week. I've been busy with social events and work, and often just lazy. I have only gone to the gym once this week (better than none!) and have not swum at all. I've not gone to the allotment, only practised guitar twice, etc.

On the Thursday when I practised guitar, I set myself a half hour, but gave up after fifteen minutes in frustration. I was simply frustrated that I do not seem to be progressing with Here Comes the Sun, and was making many silly mistakes. I suppose that is fine, and I am going to (today) pick up a different song to boost my confidence on it, one that is easier to learn, and more strumming as opposed to fingering. Maybe Everyday by Buddy Holly. It'll still be quite difficult, and take several days, but will be worth it. It has a whistling section that I will need to learn to whistle for... I can't whistle at all...

I suppose I can just make small progress whatever I do. I think I will go to the gym starting from Monday again (Wednesday, and Friday as well) and keep it going.

This is a very rambly one...

A couple notes are, that I want to adjust my tracking a little. I tried this week to track amounts, which is slightly better, but the form I've got the tracking on paper doesn't allow me to write much detail. So, I've transposed it for next week, which will allow me to write more detail. I will also need to be a little more systematic and consistent next week.

This week, I had a few days where I ended up going to sleep late - about half ten or eleven. I then ended up getting up a lot later - both Friday and today (Saturday), I've gotten up at past eight. I woke up earlier but stayed in bed a little. I've drawn art twice (29th, 30th) and they're not very good of course, but it's just for a bit of fun. I've barely read this week, which needs improving. I've done squats some of the days, but really it hasn't been the best week. So, next week I want to try and improve it above that.

I have bitten my nails heavily this week. They are in an absolutely dire state. I wanted to try and get them gelled or something to help me not to do bite them, but currently it's not applied. I will do this next week, maybe.

I will try to use free weights from next week, as they are relatively less busy as compared to the machines (I can use the machines too) and will do three days: push, pull, and leg. That may be better. I will just need to learn how to use the weights well, and the bench. I suppose I also have a modicum of shame, because it requires a degree of skill that I don't have and don't want to show that. Well, what does it matter? I need to overcome this kind of anxiety.

So, in terms of the tracking, I have amended a few things, and will hopefully have a better system next week. I've also got a new system for the gym (which I will start going to again, and let swimming be relatively less frequent) where I will do a push/pull/leg over six days with a rest day in between. Try it for a couple months and see how it goes.

I've also discovered tonight that I am really, really, terribly bad at singing. Well, if I'm trying to pick up guitar again for playing songs, I really need to be able to sing at least a little bit, so I'll have to practise that more often. I'll do that alongside guitar.

I wonder if I'm pushing the limits of time I've got. I wonder if I should not focus heavily on one thing, say, gym, and then focus on another. Currently, I am spreading my attention among many things (gym, swim, guitar, (singing), a little art, RHS, LM2) alongside work and general social commitments. It's not very easy and I'm not sure really if I can make good progress.

In terms of hours of the week, I of course have the 168 everyone else does. Of these, let's rule out, say 60 for sleep (7 x 8 plus a little spare). This leaves 108. I have of course about 40 dedicated to work, so 68. Three days a week I've a commute, that takes about 3 hours total to walk: 65. Six further hours are commute, 59 - I can do work during these (e.g. LM2). If I go to the gym for an hour, and I've fifteen (make it 20 for rounding and space) minutes travel, I've got 3 + 2 hours bound up in this. This makes it 54. If I want to write wv, then let's give it two hours (it takes about one, normally). 52. A daily shower is 30 minutes if I factor in drying myself: 3.5 hours a week, let's knock it down to 48. For swim, that is 2h + 60m commute + 40m changing and drying; let's put it at 4h: 44h. I've still got such time, so where does it all go in my actual life? Well, I suppose it goes to social requirements, and just general chatting and all the parts of life that aren't just trying to get stuff done. I also read, generally just sit and do nothing (... call it meditation, it sounds less lazy), and engage in vices, waste time watching Youtube (well, I actually feel as though I learn a lot, given the kind of channels I watch...)

OK, have a good one. I'm going to bed.

Take your time

Wed, 11 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000

Fetching my falafel wrap for lunch from the people at Petticoat Lane Market (Eye Falafel) I was there early to avoid the queue (massive after about 12:10) and there was really about nobody there. I was told by the lady, now I can say good morning to you!, and asked if I wanted the usual, exchanging a tenner for a fiver in change; then, I went up to get the usual (large with extra gurkhin and no tahini) and was given in that time two taster falafels (normally it is one). As I heard the 'here, take another', and, managing my bottle of Purdeys apple juice and the man fetching the wrap to hand to me at the same time, he (the one passing me the wrap itself) put up his hand, and told me in a mellifluous, gently masculine voice (that of a father consoling his child): take your time.

I was rushing.

I had left at 11:45 to get to the place in time, sped through Tescos in less than a minute to get the apple juice, and had rushed to the falafel place in record time (hence the emptiness). The lack of a queue meant I didn't get a chance to slow down. As I walked away, falafel, falafel wrap, and apple juice in hand, them waving me away and telling me thank you (beaming service given my singularity) I, head aloft, smile across my face, worry in my mind, though: my, what a wonderful day!

After sitting and eating and reflecting I now write this. Really, the thing I am having difficulty with is that I am becoming rushed. I floated, as I choked down the wrap (almost literally choking on the first bite and reinforcing the kindly words) the idea of moderato: a good song is moderato, not bouncing perpetually between forte and lento. And that it is a matter of degree, not of absolutes; the evil is in the degree. Is it London that pushes me to a forte life? Or is it a matter of my wants and desires? Will it kill me young?

(I'm going to walk back now, and continue at my desk.)

At my desk. I didn't think of much, save for a judgemental comment on a girl taking photos of herself in an Instagram pose sort of way; she had to retake the shot at least three times I saw, and I thought: isn't it strange how girls who are not even remotely attractive are still so concerned with these vanity shots? Maybe I had a point, but it's also motes and logs.

I've arguably gotten myself in a tricky way, as I've a lot of words to write on a sheer lack of ideas in this case. Well, it doesn't matter.

I think I cause the forte (I'm using these music terms wrong, by the way) by my own desires. I desired to not have to queue, so I undertook a chain of actions for that purpose, one of which was to walk quickly. I can't tug the body to speed as it walks and immediately slow down as I talk to the staff, so a necessary (inadvertent) byproduct was my being in a rush, noticeably so. Or maybe I am misinterpreting what he meant: in human interaction so much is subtle and lossy, it's hard to know.

It's not just a matter of knowing as well but of implementing. So for instance, I must do things designed to take my mind away from this fast mindset, to slow myself. It will benefit me over time, too. Likewise, stress is caused by often my having been too slow in doing something that then needs to be done. I must take it all seriously for work and get things done; also, I must note that there is a time to relax and that I should not get so worked up even when there is supposed motive for it. I should try remain calm, but genuinely.

The advice distils down into that! I'm very far from the good path if that is the sort of advice I need. Still, no judgement. It's a matter of improving by grades, and not fixing everything all at once.

I think (it's barely been a week) that my Friday night movie this week as well will really help. It is just a bit of time to decompress. Omoide no Marnie was lovely to watch, and I can't help but feel that a decent chunk of the enjoyment I get from films like that is not due to the film itself (certainly, an element is) but is rather as I see a void within myself reflected in the film, and so can introspect in that way. It almost seems to offer me an existent nothingness: the difference between sheer void, and the presence of absence, if that makes any sense. If asked to articulate what exactly it is it gives me, I couldn't answer. Not well, at least.

So, I'll continue that. Gym on Saturday and tonight as well: I'll do legs as I've hurt my forearms/wrists from Monday (not sure exactly what). And as for slowing down, I think I've benefitted from the last two days not tracking, but rather just diarising. That was I suppose a concrete benefit of Omoide no Marnie. It actually takes a degree of restraint not to ramble on about all and sundry, but rather to actually condense down the day into fairly few words. As for longer form writing, I think I may need to either stop it, to an extent, as has, by way of my not having a viable notepad for the purpose to hand, happened these past two days, or, begin again. Well, those are the two options, aren't they? I think it can replace the tracker altogether. If I need to know something, I can consult the diary. A singular day is likely unimportant anyways: I really need to try and find things that apply to the macro scale, not on the scale of mere days. I'm losing the monthly tracking that means, and returning to a fairly untracked system.

I don't know. I'm bouncing through ideas and systems at the moment and not settling on any. I'm not sure of the advice that a firm system is better than none: in a way, I am probably a bit jumpy and can't commit to one system for ever; I enjoy changing about and trying new things to see what is good. Does it not mean that nothing is good for me? Maybe.

But I'm still going and still getting things done, which is all I really need, if I'm totally honest. But as for slowing down, though I'm certainly trying to in an abstract sense, perhaps I've lost the concrete sense... I need to actually, physically, and in the cadence of my words and the pace of my steps, slow down. Take my time. There's a pithiness to that phrase: it's my time. I don't need to surrender it to anything; currently, I surrender it to my desires. I can take it for myself: I can take my time.

With that, have a good one.

Musings on character faults

Tue, 16 Jul 2024 00:00:00 +0000

(Editor's note: I wrote this whilst I was on holiday and had a quiet evening.)

Well, regarding my behaviour, I doubtless have many faults. This is prompted by my being told my poor manners, as I alighted the taxi, asking -----, can you bring forward the seat? (conspicuous lack of please) as ----- was far from and the taxi driver already going to act in that capacity; then getting out and not saying thank you (I thought I said cheers - I'll revisit). Rude.

So, ... I don't exactly fault myself actively, in that I was made aware of it by others, and in fact I had a suspended confidence for a short while after being told... (self love, reflective waters) and ascertained momentarily rather that to be the fault (forest for trees, hunted is both prey and predator) not seeing that the truth of one does not contradict it for the other. Clarity now, overwhelming clarity (for a single matter). So, I have the fault and the second one too (two faults don't make a quality?) and can I suppose receive a doubled, redoubled joy from the two aspects of my inadequacy that can tide my depressed mind over from evening to night.

So as to prevent anything from going missing, I recount the three topics to explore. My suspension of confidence upon receipt of criticism (critique); my poor manners; my non-utterance of words I believe to have uttered (drowned under the breath).

The first is dull... So, I'll take the second. I don't perceive myself as one with poor manners, yet certainly others do. I could go on : why, where (identification), what to do, etc.

Oh, I guess, I act in a rather self-interested way. I do not take interest in others so much, really all I focus on (naturally...) is myself. I need to I suppose invest in others, as well as myself. For instance, even to talk to others, it always comes back to myself. When, as an example (of many) I spoke to ------, I bring up that I can speak German, learnt (badly) Norwegian... it feels braggish. (Can I use this as wv still? Censor the names, later me!) In that way, I sabotage myself. How ought I have acted? I'm not sure if he asked first. Hopefully? Either way, it's one example. With ---- too (another job, future me) I feel like I sabotaged the entire relationship by not asking enough, and ignoring her if she would speak to me at times, really out of inhibition (unbracketed I can't bring myself to write the more honest i/self-abnegation/i). She would ask, I suppose in the usual friendly way, about my hair or whatever sliver of conversation I might allow her, and I denied her each time... Well, I suppose I had my own untoward reasons, though of course it was rude. Oh, I barely know her.

Now, with some people, I ask and don't get far. That's fine. I will not get everything. But most important of all is to ask. I try, but falter often. I don't really answer with this (non) conclusion whether self-disclosure of those things that in tatemae-esque talk others go, i/oh wow/i, and which makes me feel like a nigella in a perennial border (invasive, undesired, still somewhat pretty, about to explode with unwanted info, bad at similes?), is so bad, or acceptable once there#s an element of honne, or if I should just stop overthinking it and not be an arse (rarely do squats, still a massive arse (is the sub-bracketed voice a little less cruel?) maybe, but we rarely get two brackets deep), oh I could explore this (no one's interested).

I guess I shouldn't feel bad if others compliment me, if they're ... not deserved, but (approximating) factually accurate. For instance, as I sat that one lunch to read i/Die Stimmen von Marrakesch/i, and ---- (editors hate him!) stopped by to say, i/you are a man of many hidden talents/i, I ought not have felt bad about that. He was being nice!

Then, I suppose self-disclosure is ok (he (you talk as if you've multiple personality disorder, yet of course this is just a way of writing...) is really just justifying taking credit for the accomplishments of his teenage self, who had some modicum more capacity; I mean, what has this man actually accomplished during his adulthood?) and the receipt of compliments too, I suppose as long as they don't seem fished for.

Returning (i/hva har jeg egentlig å si...?/i sorry, song lyric) to manners, I have been told several times (friends, family, etc) that I can have poor manners (I tell them to piss off (second bracket to clarify, that was a joke)) and it is something I do not work on, but if I want to improve my character as this year is my focus, I ought add it as a, as they say at work, easy win. What is the issue, exactly? I don't say please, mainly. I tend to ask, let's say I want water, can I have some water?, and then upon receipt say, cheers, thank you. I suppose the initial request does sound a tad demanding. I just need to add please. Honestly, for a character flaw, I do think it is genuinely that easily fixed.

Yayy... my hand is getting tired so at least that's settled. Should I not be more systematic in enumeration of these matters, rather than large clusters of insufficient words each time? Eh, problems get dealt with when my heart's in it.

I should consider my talking under my breath too. It's (one would say) a confidence thing. (So I don't forget: consider also things I say in non-lucidity then regret) I guess it would be nice to say it'll fix itself as I deal with my confidence issues, but that's cart-before-horseing.

(As an aside, I have a song Supermodel, German, by who knows about the issues in the life etc. To hear it feels like motes and logs, I guess as I (bland insurance guy, citydweller, wannabe-differentist) hardly have it put together either. I can't identify with the song, that to me seems to say, i/I am perfect, sexy, and play bass guitar, yet - supermodels? Kah, what wretched lives!/i, because clearly, the people in the band, if this is what they are writing about, don't have it put together either. (Also, bass guitarrist joke) I mean, I'd hate to play bass guitar, and that's coming from me) (Currently listening to Lost in Hollywood, SOAD. Maybe I just don't like that supermodel song.)

Back on track, a part of my confidence issues is that I can't (I'll use the word, though it's a bad pick) enunciate well, verbally not phonetically. So I need to work on it, and more generally employ the correct pitch when I speak (not too loud, not too quiet). Practice? Or pick the right words. Or converse well, often enough. Oh Jesus, do I need conversation training?

Tired so I'll wrap this up. Last point. I often say things (as a joke) but owing to my lack of knowledge or humour or both it never comes out funny. Even today this happened. What can I do to fix this? I always say it in a non-lucid (automatic, almost non-personable self, that can conduct many actions in an unintelligent, base way) state. Will these become less frequent with time? I imagine, as it happens as an energy-saving device by my body, it always occurs, I just must try change what it does.

Ok, let's just try sleep. Transcribing wvs is another job when I get home.

(Editor's note: Have a good one!)

First day of October; feeling as if I'm behind on time

Tue, 01 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000

It's the first day of October. Of course, I have a lot planned for this month, and so its inception has somewhat of a worry-inducing effect on me. Not that it will be particularly terrible if I miss things, or don't manage the amount of blog entries I want to write, or don't manage to learn Italian as effectively as I want, or don't manage to draw each day. In fact, I've gotten on the train with absolutely no inspiration as to what to draw, and it's a bit bumpy anyways (I am used to writing on the train, but it feels particularly bumpy today, so probably not great for drawing) so I'll save drawing for the evening. I've also got a lot of odd jobs to do, like consider whether we'll have time for a dinner before opera tomorrow (it is at seven, and we won't get to Covent Gardens before half six) and sort of getting euros for the trip to Italy, and packing my bags.

I feel as though my thoughts are unorganised? I'm not particularly sure on the way to organise them, or if it is really organisation which they need. See, to achieve the things I want to do, I need to just do them. Instead, I write wv, and stress about things. So I wonder if the stress is from having things hanging over my head I need to do, or if is from an underlying lack of sleep (my sleep has been terrible of late) or if it is from something else. It's a bit difficult to psychoanalyse oneself.

Recently, I notice I have been struggling to hit the thousand words mark; not that it has been impossible by any means, but I notice that it doesn't seem to come as easily as it was. Again, there is likely a reason for that, and I wonder if it has to do with a lack of meaningful consumption against output, or again if it is due to the stress of real life, or the demands I am placing on myself to try to blog and draw and do whatever else. I realised last month that the previous thing I was doing, where I would set deadlines and targets, was not conducive to my actual success, and that I should be satisfied with doing more in a way, as opposed to always striving to get more done. Only yesterday I had to talk myself out of buying a violin I wouldn't be able to play.

I feel as if I'm behind on things, as if I'm working on a backlog, or as if I neglect things for only a day or two and they morph into a much more troubling, outstanding, backlog item. At the same time, I struggle to find time to meet all what I want to do, and actually work against the backlog of tasks to get it down. It seems like life always throws more work at me, and I am struggling to keep up. I am really not sure on how to balance things; in fact, it seems like somewhere a balance is out of whack. I am not sure where though; it takes some serious skills (I don't have) to be able to identify where and why the feeling of malaise is gripping one.

In terms of the information we produce, as a civilisation we produce a lot don't we? Of course, I as an individual even am producing far more than I can even consume (I would no way to have the time to read a thousand words each day) and each individual produces as certain amount. A lot is not published, and is notes for the individual, but even then we have groups of people producing movies and films and series by the dozen, each requiring huge investments in time... As well, each individual item can take up to an infinitude of time just by itself, as there is analysis that can be done above and beyond the original material, and recursively into that... For instance, if someone (no idea why) wanted, they could take the roughly hundred-thousand words I have written to date on wv, and analyse them to no end... Why did I not write much until August? Why did I write so much in August and September? What else was on my mind as I was writing? What are my emotions about my previous entries, and what would they be at any given point in time? A diachronic and synchronic account of the evolution of my opinion about certain entries. What factors caused this shift in opinion. And so on, and so on. Absurd quantities of ink could be spilt about the silly amount of ink I've spilt writing wvs.

It also makes one wish there was a way to process all the information, as in some computerish future where we are merged with technology to give us more processing power... at the same time, it is probably wiser to actually try not to process too much information, but instead work with a much smaller subset of information. I suppose it is a kind of FOMO that there is so much information that I will never get the ability to process...

But then back to work. If it is I feel a backlog of tasks, then that is because I have taken on too much work and cannot handle that much; as such I should probably lower my expectations a little. Really, the fact is that the main progress (and human progress is quite slow) is in doing the same thing for several years, not for doing it particularly well or fast. For instance, if I want to progress my health (and I am already seeing gains at 37) I should go to the gym 100 times, a thousand times. That is the intent behind the thousands page, but of course it could be taken the wrong way (by me). The overall intent is a sort of consistency, with allowance for inconsistency. In terms of getting things done, this can happen as and when, and if it doesn't happen, so be it. I suppose a major factor is that I need to be less harsh on myself.

I wonder if in the future I will question how easily I've slipped into a sort of egoistic, demonstrative sort of mentality, where I want to be able to show myself I have something to show, without really understanding the meaning of life.

Maybe I do need to that Buddhist monk break... Again, I sort of want to do it to demonstrate to myself though. In fact, even this wv is a form of self-demonstration, I want to have something to show. Despite it being published, I really am writing for myself, and to sate my own inadequacy complex.

So, has it helped, me writing this wv? Not at all. The outcome is that I've spilt ink. Now to get a wet towel and hope it comes off... another task.

Have a good one.

A man complains about the consequences of his own actions

Fri, 26 Jul 2024 00:00:00 +0000

It's half eight now, and I'll have to start work soon, but I might just have enough time to write a little. Maybe not 1,000 words. We'll see.

I'm in a bit of a poor state at the moment. Really, it is all the consequence of my own actions (see title), and I know I suffer only because of those actions.

For instance, I've got a painful leg at the moment. I'm not sure what the muscle is called, but it's the one that sticks out when you tense. It hurts at the moment, which really makes walking a bother, and I could feel it (though it wasn't painful) when I swam this morning. It must be due to swimming as that is really the only exercise I've been doing at the moment. Maybe I need to warm up before?

I was also late to my swim today. I got in the pool at 6:37 not 6:30. I mean, it is not the end of the world, but I know why it happened. I set my alarm for half five, woke up, stayed in bed deliberating whether I should get out of bed until 6:04, then went, oh, I will be late if I don't, got out and got ready. I left at 6:17, likely arrived at 6:32 (it's about a 15 minute cycle) and got in at 6:37. But I could have alleviated this if I had just gotten out of bed when the alarm rang. It's a bad habit of mine: I even tend to stay in bed for several hours if there is nothing to do. When I do get up, I inevitably feel tired, even if I didn't feel tired when I initially woke up with the alarm. I just need to have more self-discipline, or things to "have to do" that force me out of bed as soon as the alarm comes.

I left my swim after only 35 minutes as well. So I'm not doing that well. I have not gone to the gym for absolutely ages, and probably should. I guess I should forego the swim to give my leg some room to heal, and go to the gym and strengthen my upper body a bit more.

When I woke up today I did feel terrible, but again it's my own fault! I had two Old Mout's last night when we went out to celebrate my mum's birthday. Now it was nice to drink, I enjoy the taste of cider, but I know what alcohol does to sleep. I'm not very tolerant of alcohol any more either, and can very easily get drunk on two or three drinks now.

I guess I just need to understand the consequences to my actions. The ideal is that I act in the present in a way that means that future me gets the best possible deal. I do my exercise not for me at the moment, but so that future me has better self-esteem because he's less fat, or is healthier and going to live for longer with fewer health complaints, or feels better in terms of mental vivacity.

Likewise, the actions I've taken in the past while have inadvertently cause my present self not to be in the best of states. I've slept poorly the night before (and so have had to sleep on the train to recover it), drank last night, have exercise in a way to cause muscle pain in my leg, have not created the discipline to wake up with the alarm every day and so today caused myself to be late and on other days caused me to stay in bed, wasting countless hours and making myself feel bad when I do get up, ... Essentially, I need to be better. I occasionally lose perspective, but the perspective I ought take (ought) is that I have to, in the present, take actions to benefit myself in the future. If I feel bad about something now, like the fact I haven't been to the gym in who knows how long, then I need to act to remedy this by going to the gym as soon as possible. If I feel a task is outstanding at work, waiting for it won't make it any better, it will just give a longer delay and make bringing it back up again more awkward and unpleasant. I just need to deal with things as soon as I can, essentially just... to avoid pain. Seeking pleasure doesn't really seem to bring anything proper, but if I want an enjoyable life, I need to, not seek pleasure (sex, drugs, ...) but instead avoid suffering. Maybe that is the most important aspect of good living. Take action now to avoid suffering later, and tolerate well any suffering you may have to suffer (there will be some).

I can't even speak about suffering really: I lead a cushy life in a developed country, enough money to tide me over, ... I don't really have any proper struggles.

But still, I guess I'm trying to figure out how to live. This is still all so egoistic as well. I'm trying to benefit myself. What of benefiting others? Is that something that is best to try after (get to a state where I'm alright, then help others) or surely I should help others in the process of improving? And how can I help others? I am not sure I really have much to provide.

I need to start work now so I really should stop. I have mostly just rambled. I don't really know what I want from this wv thing: in a way I think I just want a goal to say "at least 1000 per entry" which encourages a longer form of writing, where ordinarily I struggle to make it past about 500 words. I think it has worked, and I am now writing more than I used to. I mean, last time, I wrote 2000 words! I'm not sure these words are any good though, and of course it is better to have fewer, higher quality words than more, lower quality words. Signal to noise ratio. I assume that my noise ratio has gone up since I have been writing more, which in a way is a bad thing. Perhaps I ought to limit the words on lengthier topics to encourage brevity, and likewise encourage verbosity on things that have no real meaning (like this ramble).

I don't know. Anyways, have a good one, and I'll get to actually doing some work.

Lazy day

Sun, 22 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000

I haven't done much today. I know that is bad of me, but... hey. I went to the gym, did a decent pull routine (I feel like I'm approaching being an actual gym goer, with the proper routine and all) and then ate a massive breakfast, had a food coma, slept from then (about ten) until one or two, and then have pretty much done nothing, a little bit of reading blogs, a little bit of very slowly working on the website redesign, today. I can't (or, I can, but don't want to) go out today, because it is grey, miserable, and raining. I might actually benefit from a walk tonight. I've had copious amounts of baguette and bread (using up leftovers from the party) with garlic powder and olive oil, as make-shift garlic bread, which was lovely though I now likely reek of garlic. No more tomorrow because I actually have to seek people at work on Tuesday.

I wonder if a lazy day like this is any good. Should I have them? I think I will watch a movie tonight, to make up for the fact that I didn't on Friday, and I will have to study a little Italian too. I could have spent the day doing that... but didn't.

I do actually work on things, but so slowly, I don't really make any structured progress. A lot of listening to music, resting, etc. as well.

(Is this wv not just turning into a blog with really long entries? I suppose in a way, it is a portal into my thoughts; I do actually write about things, but those things relate to my days, and originate from them.)

In terms of these kinds of days, I think they are fine... occasionally, but really they occur as a consequence of not having any other plans, and being too lazy to go out and do something.

As a result, I should probably avoid days like this in the future. If I want to do relax, I should try to relax in a more... active way, I suppose. Days like this, which are sort of "laze about and do sod all" days, are ok, but should be avoided. Instead, what could I do?

I guess all sorts of things. I have said this before, but I need to find things to do that are not in my room. Or rather, do the things I would normally, just not in my room. Instead, I should make sure to try to be outside of the house for as much as possible. In fact, if I study for instance, I should go to the park (and bring food), or could go to a cafe, or that sort of thing. This has numerous advantages, not least that the lack of internet means I can't waste my time away as I have a tendency to do at home...

The Internet

The internet really is a thing I invest a lot in, right? I always think of myself as the kind of person who, contrary to the general populace (there is a teenagesque superiority complex there) does not engage in the internet so much and yet I had that without introspection! No, I may not use social media, but I am very much bound to the internet chain, every single link...

The thing is, I'm not sure what is good or bad in terms of internet use. The internet feels... falser, less pure, now, than it was, of course, and there is a certain difficulty to avoid all of the modernity. I search innocent things and I cannot skip the corporate big-name brands or the SEO'd sites, or the vulgarity of every action, or the sponsors and the videos and the overstimulation, and the catering to every need. I guess it almost induces a sort of catatonia, and that is what I feel during these days... catatonic, unalive, derealised. Derealisation, I think is it.

If Wikipedia tells me that derealisation is: <q>The experience of derealization can be described as an immaterial substance that separates a person from the outside world, such as a sensory fog, pane of glass, or veil. Individuals may report that what they see lacks vividness and emotional coloring.</q>

Then, is that not just ... the LCD screen? And no matter the technology, from old LCDs to LEDs and OLED and whatever new screen comes out, and no matter the resolution, or the frame rate, or the sheer size itself of the panel, it never feels real, in a true sense does it? And yet, it seems to sap trueness out of real life.

I think describing this is That Funny Feeling, by Bo Burnham. There's just a lot. It's the feeling of overstimulation, excess.

What can I do to get free from it? I suppose I could be free from the internet a little, but I actually do like the ability to find new things, that are good and interesting, and read blogs, and have RSS feeds, and have emails sent to me. But I just dislike the incessant... noise, maybe. I want to improve as a person, and know what I need to do. Know how to improve. A day like this is my fault, for eating too much, for not moderating, for engaging in excess. I suppose the sleep is a sign that excess does kill a body: sleep is death, and I have died for those three hours that I slept. I died as a consequence of my erroneous actions. I'm on the wrong path, is what I'm trying to say.

Or, perhaps I'm on the right path, but I'm being spurred along, pestered, bludgeoned, by the old forces that hound me, pursue me, keep me. Depersonalisation, again? I'm the old forces.

And so, on the verge of breaking down it seems... well, what do I want. I'll not benefit from not writing. I want to be happy. And what does that mean? I don't know. Avoidance of negative feelings, let's say. Then what are those? (Can you stop hounding me?) Would it be dullness, that I might call boredom... well, I know I could recall Luke Smith sometime in 2021 (long ago, now...) saying it's not boredom, I don't know boredom, and I don't know boredom, but let's call it another term then. What, then? I've to write, so I've to be descriptive... lethargy, languor, both work. Really, it's not lethargy, it's rather a self-imposition, it's the knowing that I ought act, and the not doing it. It's the remaining in bed the whole day, when I ought get outside. It's the knowing the weather doesn't hold me back, and the remaining inside even still.

And what else? (You said feelings plural, and I won't let it go) well, then, I'll say inadequacy (inadequatio? not seeing the higher matters... (no)), and I'll say also, to shut you up (never works) stress. There are multitudinous painful feelings, alright? So many, and so many I've yet to even ever feel. Just tell me what I can do?

Well, of course, I know. See, it's the pain of sin that I know exactly what would fix it (a better person?) and what exactly I'm doing wrong, and I do it even still. Don't stay in bed the whole day, it never works out. Don't shirk jobs: you know you wanted to study Italian, and also know it's half eight, and you won't end up doing it before bedtime (half nine).

And how does the internet relate to this? Well, it's overstimulation. Youtube really doesn't help. Don't engage with it. Watching brainrotting WILTY clips, or rewatching the same standup, or listening to always the same songs, doesn't help, it is not good, and it just causes this... dullness. Whatever it's called.

I know what would fix it, but it still doesn't help me now. (No, it wouldn't. You can't be fixed right now. Only heal.) I want to be fixed! I want to be happy, right now, always right now. I don't want to feel the consequences of my predecessor's actions. I was not me an hour ago - why should I be at fault for what he did? And if I don't pay on the sentiment now, I'll feel terrible tomorrow, also. I at least need to sleep well tonight.

I'll stop. I'm in that odd kind of mood, and I really don't want this anymore. I'm improving, I tell myself! Yet I've wasted a full day, and perhaps that is just what I needed...

Focussing on the body

Fri, 25 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000

I think, there is a slight problem with focussing on my body, and the gym. Now, I am not really particularly buff, and still have a high body fat (probably 30%). I am gaining muscle (fairly slowly) and probably also gaining a little fat: in reality, my weight is staying fairly similar (within a half stone or so) and so I suppose I am making a little of a dent in my fat. Now, I still have, after six months, not made huge gains, and still have a fat stomach, which is the thing I really dislike... see, if I were thinner, and had a bit of muscle with it I'd be happy. I suppose I'm lucky that I'm not particularly into the idea of becoming "jacked", but of course I still do want to get into a good shape. I think for the next while, I need to focus on a calorie deficit, high-protein (so as not to lose muscle), and lose the fat I've got whilst also trying to keep gaining muscle/keeping it stable and get "lean" in that way. I think it would be good if I could actually get better measured... Like, know what my body fat percentage is.

Anyways...

This whole enterprise focusses on the body. Is that good? Not? I don't know. The body is important, of course, but there are many concerns. I am interested in getting in a body that is attractive, and generally focussing on improving myself, but know that it is not the best endeavour to try. For instance, I also need to focus on my confidence, conversation, and that sort of thing, in terms of the correction to the "social malaise" that the gym is partway for. Also, in terms of my health, I also need to focus on getting lean, but also better counting my calories, ensuring I stay consistently on a more low-carb diet, and other things like that. Exercise as well (in the sense of, going out for more walks and bike rides) will really help.

Essentially, body wise, I want to lose fat (and gain a little muscle). I want to be at probably 15% fat.

But, the strange is that I am focussing so much on muscle. I am not actually going to the gym as much as I would like, but also I think I need to focus more elsewhere. I am still doing the /thousands, and need to sort out my banks, etc.

I think I need to look to actually try make proper progress. Like, actually get to where I want, as opposed to just sort of hoping. I am sort of drifting through life, and still getting things done, but not actually trying my best to really make progress specifically, and not fully measuring or tracking.

I can lose weight, definitely quite easily. If I keep my protein and my gym going up, and make sure to maintain that kind of practice, I can easily lose 1 pound per week. Now, I'm going to do some maths here that is probably wrong.

If I have 30% fat by body mass and I weight 11 stone, then I have on my body about 45 pounds of fat. I want to lose this fat, and get down to about let's say 15%. In this case, I have 22 pounds of fat to lose; at 1lb per week (reasonable), I can lose this in 22 weeks, or five months of concerted effort. I will get to 10 1/2 stone all in all.

To lose a pound per week, I need a 3500 kcal deficit per week, which is 500 per day.

Then, I can plan the actually diet I eat: I should allow any and all veg and fruit and not bother counting them (too much hassle, not bad enough) but only count fat (usually from oil) and protein. Or, perhaps just sort of eyeball protein and fat, go to the gym regularly and don't bother counting at all. I really don't want to have to count calories at all. I think this makes sense if that is my goal.

Really, I want to see a certain progress: in my body firstly, but also generally in life. For this, I am generally changing my habits, and am hoping that over time I will get to the direction I want to go.

But I know the body is only one part. I'm still not sure why I'm focusing on my body. Part of it is a low self-esteem, I suppose, and the thought of wanting a good body. I won't lie, this is really to look attractive to other people, and I am disappointing when I can't see the gains I've made (e.g. a certain shirt of mine that doesn't make me look good with the gains I've made) through the eyes of others (e.g. in a mirror). At the same time, I think that is potentially a sort of "terminal goal" similarly to how maybe the human terminal goal is to reproduce, but the instrumental goal that is actually important to human life is to follow pleasure. Similarly, I think the instrumental goal that is actually motivating me is my own approval. To look attractive to myself. To overcome my own struggles. It's a bit difficult in terms of separating out concerns, as I think that in a way both concerns for appearance to others, and the concern I have to better myself, are intertwined in a way. The one that matters most to me in my everyday life though is my own concerns.

But does it matter? Could I just be... happy with myself? I could, but potentially that won't get me in a good physical shape, and be more healthy. Health is the main thing that matters, more than look. I think that the fact that look and health intersect (up to a point) is the ideal; there is a point that is healthy and attractive, and a point where there is an excess: I really don't want to end up unhealthy, and health is good end point. There is a sort of "healthy intersection" for many different concerns.

Well, that was just rambling. Utterly useless.

Have a good one.

The punishment is here already

Wed, 21 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000

I happened yesterday to flick through Die Welt als Wille und Vorstellung, which I still haven't read fully - I began to read it but ended up giving up a hundred pages in (it's very dry reading...). I do want to try pick it up again, maybe a chapter a day... not right now though. Maybe it would help me fix the problem I'm having where I can't really philosophise at the moment...

Anyways, I saw a quote in the book, page 480, from Euripides, which goes (quotes are a fantastic way to pad out words... not that that is the intent):

Volare pennis scelera ad aetherias domus
Putatis, illic in Iovis tabularia
Scripto referri; tum Iovem lectis super
Sententiam proferre? - sed mortalium
Facinora coeli, quantaquanta est, regia
Nequit tenere: nec legentis Iuppiter
Et puniendis par est. Est tamen ultio
Et, si intuemur, illa nos habitat prope.

Or, in English roughly:

Do you believe, that crimes fly up
on wings to the gods? yet further that
someone writes them up on Zeus' tablet
and Zeus, seeing them, speaks good to the people?
Not even all of heaven is large enough
to contain human sin, if Zeus would write them up;
nor could he look over them
and assign to each his punishment. No!
The punishment is here already, if you could only see.

Heaven and Hell

I am rambling because I don't know it too well, but I understand that in Orthodoxy heaven and hell are the same eschaton, and it is to do with perception...

For Christianity, I find a decent portion of it quite believable, if interpreted as metaphorical in a way... Heaven and hell as concepts I have never been able to understand. It seems to be in a way disjunct to the rest of the philosophy, or at least cannot be interpreted through the lens of Quality and Platonism...

Philosophy

It is strange that I no longer have the philosophical outbursts. I used to, when writing, end up thinking about philosophy, but at the moment I don't do that much. I wonder if it is just based on what I am doing at the moment.

Plato

I read Parmenides today. I really didn't understand very much of it at all. I never do understand overmuch when I read Platonic dialogues, and always think I need to come back to them to see whether I can actually make heads or tails of them, but this time especially (having not read any Plato for several months now) I understood essentially nothing, reading words, thinking: how many times can the word 'being' come up in one sentence? It was good though, and I do enjoy it. I just wish my mind was in that sort of space a little more.

And so, I will, when I find time, try to read a little more in the way of Plato, or Schopenhauer, or Kant if I can bring myself to it, or anything, really. I haven't read much at all, and certainly little of philosophy. I wish I could think about it again: it brought such a light to my life that is now severely missing. Nothing but deadlines I fail on, and things I am guilty of not doing, and improvement that is happening too slowly.

The punishment is here already: a life without philosophy is painful, it seems. Augustine did say philosophy was for the joy of man. I don't think I really enjoy life at the moment, though I guess I'm still living. I'm not depressed.

Talking of... (and padding to a thousand words)

Depression

I've never been the type to get overly depressed. I did as a teenager, and especially during my A-levels I spent a very long time in what I couldn't bring myself to call depression, but what certainly was.

Largely, I'm good at managing my mood, except for when my sleep gets bad. A few days of poor sleep can wreak havoc on my mood, which is likely why I'm feeling so lacklustre at the moment. Then again, I don't feel the same overwhelming joy I did beforehand when I would wake up early and get lots of work done, or get a lovely, rested night's sleep. I'm not sure that's really happened for awhile now.

Do I get winter depression? Looking at the past few years, I'm not sure. I think my mood does get a little lower, and certainly my job satisfaction gets a bit lower, though I have interspersed moments at almost every point in the year where I don't feel happy at my job. In fact, I really liked where I was before now, but felt a little unhappy coming up to the end of year. I felt bad in November, and got the new job in July. I think I felt pretty bad even when I started the new job, though, and have these periods where I feel intermittently like I don't enjoy work. At other times it's not amazing, but acceptable. In life generally, I don't like certain aspects of winter (like the inability to do any work outside past four o'clock) but strangely like aspects too (the romance of going to and leaving work in the dark) and sleep fairly well owing to the cold - about fifteen degrees is the warmest I can sleep well, and I like the ability to be too cold at night and wrap up warm, as opposed to being too warm and having to lie, uncovered, hoping that the suffering and pain will end, that accompanies early summer (by midsummer I am mostly acclimatised).

Is autumn my least favourite season then? The dark days without the cold nights.

I do wonder what it's like to be truly, badly depressed. I can manage my mood decently, and act fairly well to be in a good mood, but of course experience horrid ruts. I wonder if I'll struggle this winter. I feel as if, because I'm already not in a good place mentally this summer (or, I'm allowing myself not to be to get something else material) I'll struggle over winter when I haven't the vitamin D. Or perhaps it'll be alright: without the worry of the allotment, I can have more time to read, and think, and recover.

I'll see, I guess. It'll be fine in the end. Horrid feelings and pain are all a part of life, part and parcel.

I sort of want to go to Italy. To see a different country, and to have time by myself. I think I need a couple weeks by myself: I can probably afford to do a week in the Lake District (or elsewhere) by myself, and a trip to Italy, or Germany, or Norway, or somewhere that is foreign. I feel bad about the carbon emissions from the plane, but I need to remember I take the train three times a week at least, so I'm hardly carbon neutral. It won't hurt, just once. Many people fly several times a week. I'm doing it once this year, and maybe more, or maybe less in the future. I'm not a disgusting person for it.

Italy and the Lake District, two weeks to myself... it sounds romantic.

Yes, I should get around to booking that.

Ok, have a good one.

(p.s. I notice how much my thoughts jump from one topic to the other here. I wonder if that is good, or not. It is very stream-of-consciousness-type writing, but in a way perhaps too unordered, unstructured... is it a symbol of a short attention span that I flit from one idea to the next, I wonder?

Anyways, I deserve to go to bed now. I want a good night's sleep. Hopefully writing most of this before bed doesn't hurt me too badly.)

Moral Relativism

Fri, 26 Jan 2024 00:00:00 +0000

I'm jumping in at the deep end with this one. I'm been wondering if there is a foundation for morals, or rather, how moral relativism and moral absolutism interact, and if there is a solution at all to this.

It seems to collide with problem of free will also. For instance, Kant states in the preface to his Grundlegung zur Metaphysik der Sitten that the tripartite division of philosophy into physics, ethics, and logic is firstly a distinction into formal and material philosophy, where the former is logic and the latter {physics,ethics}. The material philosophy is in turn divided based on subordination to laws of nature (physics), or free will (ethics). This of course, seems to pre-suppose free will.

Kant's philosophy is deontological in nature, that is, it speaks of a duty (Pflicht) which for an actual to be classed moral must be obeyed. In this way it is not the consequences of an action that matter, but rather whether the action was committed in the first place. I'm sure we all have experience of doing wrong but getting away with it, or having it turn out ok in the end. Under a deontological view, as Kant teaches, this is still immoral. He writes, in the preface to the same work, "Jedermann muss eingestehen, dass ein Gesetz, wenn es moralisch, d.i. als Grund einer Verbindlichkeit, gelten soll, absolute Notwendigkeit bei sich führen müsse; dass das Gebot: du sollst nicht lügen, nicht etwa bloß für Menschen gelte, andere vernünftige Wesen sich aber daran nicht zu kehren hätten... "

I would agree. We are speaking here, at least firstly, of an absolute, deontological morality. One that is monadic, and might we say, set by God, applying to all. I will return to this.

An idea proposed to my knowledge in the metaphysics of Quality, but likely before as well, is the merging of duty as appertains to free will and to physics. In this way, the factor separating physics from ethics, and human action in that way is this: that those things subject to physics must always subordinate and follow their duty, whereas those things subject to ethics (namely, people) must not always subordinate to their duty.

We stumble upon a stumbling-block here, a truly scandalous one: the problem of free will. Are not humans also subject to the laws of physics? Since the action of a human is determined in that way, what opportunity presents itself for us to either do good or bad? Where is our test from God, as it is commonly said in religious circles?

I'm not sure. I'm sort of just discussing here, not really trying to give answers. I certainly don't have them for one.

In the vein of consequentialism as mentioned above, I might also wonder: what does it matter if something is wrong, or if it is a "duty" if it doesn't have to be followed? So what if something is wrong? It might be deontologically wrong, but there isn't anything beyond that. If I were Christian I might say I'd go to hell, but we haven't gotten that far yet, and even Kant doesn't believe in hell I'm pretty sure. Is it just academic?

Another issue exists. We may, in searching for an absolute set of rules, stumble across things we deem unethical which are now to be called ethical, and things which we now deem ethical, or commit nonetheless, which are in fact unethical. There may well be many things which are unethical we commit out of ignorance, or for the facilitation of ordinary life. This would imply, not only the obvious matters, for instance that murder is wrong, but this or that thing we do in our everyday life, and think nothing of, is wrong. Indeed, could it not be that all which we do is wrong in some respect? For I breathe and walk, yet to breathe contributes to air pollution, and to walk expends valuable energy. Both may well be wrong in their own right. Or we may find that things we wish to deem immoral are in fact moral: that is the problem with moral relativism, is it not? We want some way to say that certain things are wrong. Is that just a mere want? After all, if all is determined, and subject to physics as it seems nowadays to me, then what is immoral? Are not all actions determined?

Perhaps ethics is an emergent property. It does not exist in its own right, but is only emergent from the emergence of sentience, or some other thing. Then again, what is it conditioned on?

I've run out of things to say on this for now. This is a problem I am very unknowledge about, and which is probably important to solve. That said, there is an argument, which is I assume a form of Pascal's Wager, that I ought assume that moral absolutism or something like it is true. And even if moral relativism were completely the case, that doesn't mean that I should go out and murder still. After all, if it were true, then there would be no reason to over not doing it. Then again, the other way around would be true as well. And that is the issue I suppose.

I have not reached 1000 words: that's ok. I'll leave it here for today, as I have little else to say at the moment. I plan to read more regarding this topic, and hopefully come to a slightly clearer mind on it. This year, I wish to read the books I already own, which include Kant, Schopenhauer, Thomas Aquinas, and several others. I shall hopefully have a clearer conception of certain things as relate to these topics next year. The hope is that I will also understand Logos and the like more at that time also. I believe that it can be combined in with this also. In the Metaphysics of Quality, moral is given as the firstmost thing, the monad, God if you will. From that emerge all other distinctions. It seems like a good idea, but falls apart upon inspection it seems. It posits the same hierarchy as Schumacher does, from inanimate to human and past this to superhuman. I cannot help but feel that this is an idea that, although perhaps "in vogue" at the time, is somewhat faulty. But I'll leave it there.

Have a good one.

On attachment and resent

Fri, 20 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000

My sister and my mum are tidying up the patio at the moment, and are moving about plant pots. I get worried, not just that their moving things about is neglecting things that are important (for instance, they have moved the garlic, but may have merged together the garlic I was keeping separate: there were two piles, but not clearly demarcated, for garlic for planting and for eating - if they've merged them I'll have to redo the work of separating them) but also in a way that things are just getting moved. I feel a tightness in my chest, and I guess I don't really know why. They off-handedly say things like, well, everything is dead, which is true for some of them and not for others. Some of the plants have run to seed or some pots are now empty.

I guess the fact is, I have neglected things this year, and they are not incredibly impressive. I understand that is not what they want; they want lots of abundantly, obviously pretty flowers, where what I provide is what I can manage whilst also focussing on other things. And really, I'm trying to bite off too much, and the allotment and gardening/plant-handling in general has kind of tapered off; I don't really find the time (not: I don't have the time, I certainly do, but I spend it on other things). As such, this year I have written a lot; I have progress on the scripts for the website a little; I have gone to the gym many times, but I have not done well in terms of gardening.

I guess I need to work out why it agitates me so much though. It is not as if it really has too much of an effect, but at the same time I certainly realise that it affects my confidence, or something like that, in some way. I end up in a way agitated by my own half-completion of it.

I suppose it is as I still want to be able to define myself as somebody who is good at horticulture or gardening, yet am being confronted by the fact that I am not actually very good at it. Or at least, I am not putting the time in to improve it and have something good to show about it. In fact, it is now the 20th, and the time I wanted to sow my onions has already passed; perhaps next year I just use sets instead?

I think I need to be a little more permissive on myself. Yet also, with regards to the allotment and for gardening, the approach I have decided in the previous wv 0067 -- to have individual atoms of activity and count up towards a thousand -- won't work. I will need to instead have a different system for making sure that I do what I want in terms of gardening and the allotment. I don't really know how. See, there is watering that is regular, but also I need to ensure I regularly go to the allotment; but because I go there for kind of the whole evening or as a full day thing if I go, then it is almost like I need to just mark a full day at the allotment, as opposed to just as passing visit, as one. And really, it is the result that matters, so it is more that I need to do all that is conducive to the final result, whilst also being flexible to the real life fact of it, and also allowing myself time to be slow, and to notice things.

Is it possible to do all of this at once? See, I just really don't know what counts as biting off more than I can chew, and it currently feels like I have a huge backlog of things, and no time to get it all better, between the things that I need to spend time to do consistently. Yet even for these, I am struggling to find the time. I am in a rush, yet am always behind, it feels like. How do I alleviate this? It feels so unclear in my mind.

Organisation

In sorting out my room, I notice how it has accumulated clothes that are not properly organised, or just dropped on the floor, and that there are glasses that have built up, etc. This is as a result of me in the past while being lazy, and not kind to my future self. I take a course of action that is good in the present, e.g. just dropping clothes on the floor after they are used for the day, but not kind to my future self, in that I will then later not sort them out. As such, for this kind of thing, I ought develop a better system, where a small, meaningless act at the time, e.g. ensuring that before bed I fold up my clothes neatly back into the draws, or into the washing basket, will then save me the hassle of having to do it later. Generally, I think I need to avoid my room as much as possible; for instance, I need to consider whether I can work outside of my room, live mostly outside of my room, write wv, etc. in the park or just somewhere that isn't here. What should my room be for? is a question I need to ponder; currently, I think I do too much here, and it's not good.

I guess I've a lot of threads left open; I need to try to close as many threads as possible as soon as they are opened, which will stop me from being overwhelmed with half-finished things. Perhaps then I should abandon things like art or guitar for a little while altogether in my mind, and instead pursue the completion of all the outstanding threads, and building it into my behaviour to close off everything as soon as I can? I think also my room needs a tidy, to be honest.

I am really noticing the power of incrementalism, and of doing things bit by bit as opposed to waiting and chunking them. I just need to implement this into my actual behaviour, which is still sort of stuck in the past, so to speak - I do things almost as if on auto-pilot a lot of the time, and do not properly follow through on what I ought.

I think I need to consider this more thoroughly, but in terms of room maintenance, clothes-management is a big problem that I struggle with. I need to sort out a good system for managing my clothes, and ensuring they are properly maintained. I should try develop it a bit, but really start with incremental improvements, i.e. at the end of each day, ensure I have a place to put my clothes, whether that is back in the drawers or in the washing basket.

I guess so... I need to try better, generally, I think. I am also just feeling a bit glum at the moment. But hey. Have a good one.

Various seemingly untitled ramblings

Tue, 23 Jul 2024 00:00:00 +0000

Transcriber's notes

I'm actually transcribing this on 2024-09-04 - I had originally intended to just take photos of this, but I'm just going to transcribe it instead.

Guitar

I've been trying to pick guitar back up for the past couple months. I used to be able to play, not well mind you, but did have grade one and could play a few songs. It's probably been seven years since then, and I'm now a total beginner again. I try practise every day if I can but rarely manage that level of consistency, and so it's more like a few times a week. At present all I'm trying to learn is Here Comes the Sun, which is proving a right challenge.

I don't overly enjoy the practice. Whilst I do it, I feel a little bored, and generally inept. It is surprising how hard even things that seem easy are to do. My progress is slow: two months or so in, I know the intro but struggle to play it without pauses, and cannot do the chorus, verse, or transitions yet. It's weird that it is so difficult to do. Really, to even get to an okay state I would not be surprised if it takes a year or more. I really commend people who can play well, and naturally...

Drawing

I've been looking at veronique.ink's blog, and notice her fantastic ability to draw. She uses fountain pens, as do I, but I only write with them, and never overly well. My handwriting (perhaps I ought to take a photo when I transfer this onto the website...) is small, rather tidy, but uninteresting. I could not draw to save my life. Of course, this too is inexperience: I never draw. Those who can draw doodle in the margins, or practise in their spare time... I do not. Likewise, my writing is nothing especial, given that I simply allow my thoughts to stream, and do not make any attempt to play with words. I feel as though, even if I were to try, since it does not come to me naturally, the result would be of no good, and so in a way end up continuing as I am. In a way, that is what I want to break with my guitar practise: yes, it is forced, of course; the hope is that with time it will become more natural. I'm not sure how long that will take. Really, focussing on the goal is wrong way here: if I focus on the training in the moment, the goal will by grades almost complete itself.

So what ought I do in terms of drawing? I suppose to relax the constraint that these notebooks are for writing could help. As a road that is completely given to cars brings ruin to the cityscape, so this notebook too cannot be given to words. I ought allow myself the freedom to write here many words, here few words; there a picture, there none; it is for all who partake of the form of the written. I did once draw a tree in the notepad. The pen and paper give me freedom; I ought not be constrained by lines.

Of course, I can't draw. I don't know what to draw. If I did, I wouldn't have the ability to anyways. Yet, why should that stop me? I might want to draw. It'll turn out terrible, yet still no harm done by it.

Even this wv... maybe I can just photograph the pages. Why must I put it in a textual form? (accessibility, but it was meant to be rhetorical!)

Website

The website is in quite a poor state at the moment. It doesn't look good, doesn't have much on it, etc. wv is basically all I've been doing for it, and mostly I've been writing them yet not uploading them. This I guess is because I have in progress a plan for a new site, where I can have pages automatically generated, instead of fiddling about with each HTML file manually. It would make, e.g. wv a whole world easier. As such, I'm almost not bothering with the site until this is done, however long it may take. For fairly simple ideas, it's taking me a long time, probably as I'm using C++.

But another thing is: I write so much in my notepads, yet only ever publish (infrequently) wvs. Only if I get the time for a wv do I have anything to publish. I'd like to publish more. Yet, is it a good goal? Or is it sort of sinful, like trying to make as much money as possible?

I'm not really sure. I'm also getting tired as I write...

Overall

Keep it going with guitar. Try to loosen the death grip of words in these notepads, and allow other forms, like sketches, to come out. Maybe it will work, probably it won't.

Ok, my eyes are forcing themselves shut. Call it here... Have a good one.

Eating snails; veganism; federated Reddit

Mon, 02 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000

Eating snails

I have thought today about whether I could or should eat snails. In terms of the allotment, I get huge amounts of garden snails, especially in the winter, and so I could have snails be my harvest for the spring, where I do not normally get any plant harvest save for perhaps rhubarb. Especially in the winter, I cannot get any harvest really (except leeks, potentially) and so snails could help with getting something. There are several things to consider with this.

Firstly, they may well be disgusting. If they are, then so be it, but I think there are probably ways to go about it. For instance, I could make soups out of them from just blending them up, or could cook them into things with other ingredients that mask the flavour.

Health-wise, I think snails are fairly good. They are a good source of protein and other nutrients, and so are generally healthy. The problem would be with nematodes or things that are unhealthy in the actual snail harvested from the wild, but a good processing regime and cooking that kills anything in there would essentially solve that issue. I am not sure if they are toxic in too high quantities, but that is an issue to further research, I suppose.

Another issue is veganism. Now, I'm not a vegan proper. I haven't been since about the age of 14. I used to eat eggs that were completely free-range (not, farm-based free-range, where it's essentially caged but there's a window up the top of the shed; actual, proper, free-range) and even now am willing to eat eggs from a farm where I can see the chickens and know how they are treated (downside: they're expensive eggs, but it's moral at least).

That said, I do avoid meat and dairy/eggs from factory farmed or traditional sources, or from the supermarket. I'm not too strict about it; I've bought food when drunk before that had goat's cheese in it, but I didn't realise because I was so drunk I didn't read the menu correctly; I still ate it. I'm happy to eat meat or animal products provided the alternative is that the meat goes to waste, or if it is killed naturally (i.e. roadkill - never happened yet), or it's just an accident (as in, a genuine accident, not a, whoops, chicken just appeared on my plate! type accident; this happens infrequently).

Is it moral to eat snails? And to expand it, what about mussels/bivalves? What if they are actually farmed, e.g. mussels? I eat industrially farmed vegetables so can't really justify it on the basis of environmental impact; the vegetables I eat from the shop have a horrible environmental impact (also, I doubt that the environmental impact of mussels is that great compared to cattle or poultry or suchlike). Therefore, I can only argue against it on moral grounds, i.e. that they are an animal. That said the category is arbitrary, and I suppose there is no real reason to strictly abide by the divide. If a bivalve cannot suffer (and, for instance, upon cooking a bivalve, it dies almost immediately) then there is no real problem with it in that way.

So, let's argue over... veganism, or whatever it is that I abide by. I don't think there is a term for it within the language. Flexitarian does not suffice, as I do not exactly make exceptions arbitrary, but based on moral criteria. It is also not a quantity matter; again, there are moral criteria, similarly to veganism, underpinning the decision, but which are not strictly the division of food, but rather the provenance of the food is also considered. I'm going to elucidate the specifics of this diet, which I am not sure what to call... well, since provenance is a key factor in the decision, I guess I will call it provenance-veganism, since that is a key factor.

I think, under provenance-veganism, bivalves and snails are acceptable. Just like how I am willing to eat eggs based on the provenance of it, the provenance of snails will be... the garden. There is potentially an awkwardness to the act of processing the snails (i.e. feeding them carrot, then starving them) but the lack of a complex sensory experience, and the instant death upon cooking, as well as the lack of general suffering, and the lack of a serious environmental concern, would render it acceptable, I do believe, under provenance-veganism. Furthermore, the snails will have to be gotten rid of anyways; for instance, I will need to kill that for pest control. As a result, I can deal with them in a way that is also beneficial dietarily.

I may well trial it this in the coming winter, where there will be copious quantities of snails. I will also consider it more, and will end up writing soon (not tonight, I need to get a little work in today) on the concept of provenance-veganism and whether it holds water. It is strange how I have held this idea in my head for close to ten years at this point, and yet have never thought to write it out in a more formal way. By doing so, it may help clarify certain concepts of it.

Federated Reddit

Reddit is a good place for finding information, but is of course centralised. I wonder if there could be a federated version of reddit. I imagine that each subreddit could be a separate website, and moderated by the website owner, given it's own domain, e.g. a subdomain of somebody's website. I wonder if it could happen, and whether that kind of federated design would work in terms of being a repository of information, if the website can always end up going under and is more common if that is how it is managed. I wonder if something like Reddit benefits from a certain amount of centralisation. That said, Reddit is still a horrid company and I really don't think it should be supported.

Ok. Have a good one, all.

Bologna: a brief reprieve, and wondering if I want to live here

Sun, 13 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000

It's the Sunday today. I've still got another week in Bologna: the full Monday to Saturday. It is actually fairly daunting knowing I have a full week here; in a way, I can see how people like to visit places only for a day or two. Additionally, each day I am here now is another day I am neglecting my daily duties at home... not only the watering of plants for instance, but also work, which I will need to catch up on when I get back...

Still though, having a full week here to myself is a blessing in many ways. I have ample time to acquaint myself with the city, to go to Florence for a day or two, to find places, etc. I am considering whether one evening I want to try to find a bar or a club to go out to. Might be difficult on my own, and not being able to speak the language.

I saw trees today. I say that as if it's surprising: it means nothing at all to me back home to see trees, as we have them all over the place. But, since the streets here are the old fashioned fairly tight ones, there is no space for trees, and so the only trees there really are, are in the park. I did see a small sitting area that had four trees. Amongst all the red and orange of this city, the green really does stand out. It feels cooler, more accepting.

See, going to a place like this, and because it is so infrequent, I sort of want to see if I could live here. I suppose I have dreamt, between Germany and Norway and now here, many times in my life of the idea of getting away, of living somewhere foreign, like Europe. I feel somewhat more as if Europe is my scene than the UK. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy the UK, I really do, but of course I also have my gripes about it. The thing is, I suppose I also don't want to move to a city and realise I've forgotten the trees. I am so used to them back home as I say, it has taken me a day to realise their absence, and I imagine after weeks and months this harshness, this humanity, would grate on me. Now, I might tomorrow try to explore west of the city, where the map is showing a lot more green... That will involve bringing bottles of water with me and maybe some food, so a trip to the Co-op may be in hand before.

It's only a few kilometers away though. See, if I want to live here, and I suppose I do want to find somewhere I can live and be happy, then I will need access to nature, because that is a part of my ... nature.

I stopped for a little while to look at the properties here today. They are fairly cheap (as in, not exceeding EUR300,000) but are all quite small. In that way, it is sort of just like any other city. I'm still undecided whether the city, or suburbia, or rural is where I want to live.

And I'm still young, and still living at home, so I get the luxury to try to explore. I think I dream of living in Europe a lot, and probably it would do me well to grant that wish to myself. Hopefully once I get German citizenship in a few years I will be able to explore a lot more...

And, in a way, I wonder also if I could just live out here for a few months and work at the same time. Or in Germany, say. To see what the life would be like. Of course, that would involve working remotely, which has its own problems (I am much better in an office setting). Or, I could even forego office work entirely, and try to get job working in a cafe or a bar for a little bit.

I worry about writing this wv whilst on holiday, or making the blog posts, in that I feel that I am somehow wasting the time away that I have. Of course, I have to relax, and I have been walking for the entire day (well, and eating). I need a chance to sit down and just maybe to write a little. Also in terms of the drawing, I am still continuing it (Inktober, or, the idea to draw each day) on holiday too, though I did two drawings yesterday that were terrible as I had no will or inspiration to draw at all. I essentially did the bare minimal to count as a drawing and get the day's count in, whilst not really doing so with any degree of dexterity, skill, or even desire to attain such. It was bad, and I knew it, but I helped relieve me of the burden of a "wasted" day in terms of drawing.

This thousands thing is I think a good think, and spurs me on to good behaviour. Even on a holiday, I shouldn't completely neglect the things I am trying to do to improve myself. For instance, I cannot go to the gym of course, but it does not stop me trying to do some press-ups in my room, or sit-ups, or squats. In this way, I can still improve health-wise and gain muscle and fitness even though I am on holiday and eating nothing but pizza and sorbet.

I suppose the question is: what is the point of a holiday? Is it to constantly be out, maximising the time and trying to get new experiences? Or is it to be in a new place, breathe different air, hear a different language, taste different food? (Well, pizza isn't really all that different...)

And to see new things. I think the holiday will be useful to me, if anything because it can help me decide whether I want to live here or not. I think I want to try to orient myself towards a place that is for me, and a holiday gives me a, granted superficial, oversight of what the place would be like. It allows me to decide whether a place is good for me or not. At the same time, I want to learn the language to overcome that superficiality: I can then understand conversations I hear on the street, and the news, and other such things, and try to pick up on what are the issues and the benefits of this country. That kind of thing. A holiday is a bridge into a less superficial understanding.

West Europe I think is where I want to be. Germany, or maybe Italy, or maybe even France, or something like that. I think the UK is... good, but I want to be elsewhere. Perhaps I've grown too used to it. That said, I cannot exactly even enumerate the problems with it so well, and wonder if I won't throw the baby out with the bathwater, or rather if I won't be getting myself into a situation that is worse without my realising: what if the problems with Italy become only more dire after I move here, if I do? That kind of thing.

I don't imagine there is a paradise anywhere on this earth; rather that all societies structure themselves in largely the same way. Perhaps it is an attempt to find the one that brings out the best in the human condition?

I'm really not sure on any of it.

Have a good one.

Pride and disappointment; theory and practice; general ramblings

Sat, 24 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000

At the gym this morning (first time I've been the whole week, not nearly enough, but at least I've been once) I felt fairly proud of the progress I've made on my arms. On the other hand, I notice that my stomach is still massive, and feel disappointed with the progress that I (not) made in that regard.

Odd though, that I feel something resembling pride, or happiness for the state I am in and the actions I've taken to accomplish this. Yet, I have not actually done anything to achieve these actions. Each action I perform is an action performed in the present, but the present state I am in is because of the actions of my past self. This takes a certain responsibility off of me, because it means that the faults of my present self are at least partly because of my past self, but also potentially it just means I can't just be happy with what I've done. Or maybe I can try have it both ways?

Really, it's good to look at it somewhat impartially though. I know that I have not done particularly well in terms of training my stomach, or losing weight (more important) and can focus on that.

Reluctance

Upon the thought of training my stomach, or such things, there is a certain reluctance towards it. It is almost as if, because I have achieved some modicum of success with my arms, that are now in a much better state, I would rather focus on this than on another part of my body to bring it to par. I wonder if reluctance (I have heard a term like 'cognitive friction' before) is a good proxy for whether an action is worth pursuing. Always pursue that which is harder to do, cognitively.

Theory and Practice

(I need to remember that practice is spelt with a c when a noun, and an s when a verb. I know it well, yet seem to always make the mistake.)

In a way, I think my problem is one of too much theory, and too little practice. For instance, I try to think my way out of social matters, and try to work out what I ought do, when the correct way to engage in social matters is to try to do the best by them I can, when they occur, and to try to ensure they occur more often in my life (get more friends?) and spend some degree of time analysing my behaviours after the fact, to see where I need to look to do better. I cannot really pick out my flaws just by thought alone: even when I think, it seems little floats up to the surface. That for me is partly the problem with reflection: I never accomplish particularly much, because I cannot observe directly, likely as there is nothing to observe directly, when not confronted with evidence of the matter. If I am completely mindful in some sense and only pay attention to the direct state of affairs (immediate, dynamic Quality), then I cannot notice anything if I just sit under a tree, as there is nothing to notice there as relates to the social occasion. I can notice the infinitude (or nigh infinitude) about the tree, yet not the social circumstance, if there isn't one... I must alter my circumstance to create the social situation (or, bring it about, as relates to myself) and then I can be "mindful" and observe. Then, I can try to improve from there, I suppose.

At present, I hide away in theory, anything that can be done from my bedroom I prefer, generally. For all the things I do to try improve myself: studying, reading, practising (with an s) guitar, writing; they can all be done from the comfort of my bedroom! But of course, I am then in a way sitting under a tree, if a more depressing one, and with a more meagre infinitude (infinite nonetheless), and not exposing myself to the world. I need to remove myself from this situation and find other situations, and can observe these...

Writing

I notice, for the past few days, I've been writing more, but struggling to find things to write about. I have been loading each of my wvs with several topics, about which I write a little, but never a full thousand words. Potentially, I am running out of ideas, and I do certainly feel as though that is happening to me. It is strange: how can I be running out of ideas? I may even grow dispirited: how will I make it to a million if already at 36k (or, about 40k, as I write a little in excess of 1k each time) I am barely about to write solidly and coherently about a single topic? Also, I notice that I have a sort of pressure to write, given that I do want to make good progress, and that I have written quite a lot in the last week or so (being able to write about a wv each day, sometimes several in a day), even though I am running out of ideas or will need to spend some time not writing to get my thoughts together in a way where I can then write a thousand on each.

I feel as if I don't have the time for it. Of course I do, and I always squander countless hours of the day away...

I wonder if I should just try to focus heavily on one thing at the moment. If so, what? The gym? Guitar? The study I must do? I don't want to just focus on one thing; I did that as a teenager, and it was fun as I was truly impassioned about only the one thing. Now I've a passion for several things, or at least a passing desire, I want to be able to do several things, but it never works, it never works!

I've always liked the lyric, from Ame to Capucchino: ikikata hitotsu oshiete hoshii dake; haraeru mono nante boku ni wa mou nai kedo.

Nani mo kotaerarenai nara, kotoba hitotsu demo ii yo... I wonder if this the same person to reply. Can I give a reply that is only a single word? I can give a reply of many words, but if I had to put it in a single word, wouldn't it be the one already given to me? Wakaranai yo.

There is no clear answer, it seems, and I so terribly wished there was. Then, if there was, would it sit well with me? I doubt it. I'm only 23 and I've of course a long time to discover it, if I do at all.

What do I really want? I want to create something beautiful, something poetic, something worthwhile, something good, and want to be beautiful, poetic, worthwhile, good. At least in my own perception. Employment work cannot create beauty; it creates commodity, nonbeauty. Philosophy I suppose creates beauty, but in a way it feels false... And generally, I feel as if I don't have the skill to create something in words or art or music that is beauty. Yet, I could say, to alleviate the emotion, but it doesn't help the present situation.

Perhaps, by sheer virtue of bringing my mind, my failed mind, with me to any pursuit or passion or pleasure or project or performance I do, it will be of inherent ugliness to me.

Perhaps also, I just need to follow what I said above. I cannot attribute any good present circumstance I have to myself; I must attribute it to the collective good work of my previous selves. Then, if I want at some point now to be in a situation where I will have the kind of capacity as I say to pursue beauty, which is naturally very far from me at the moment, then I must act now in a way just to allow a future self to be able to, hopefully, access something approaching beauty. In a way, even by writing this wv, I am allowing my future self to see that I have done a good job in writing consistently. Perhaps the words written themselves aren't particularly beautiful, nor do they have much substance, but the sheer magnitude of the task, and the dedication required, is in itself something of beauty, I guess. I could be proud of myself, if I get to a hundred entries, or five hundred, or a thousand, and know that it is my own (past selves') hard work that has brought it about.

I say all this, and yet I've decided to sit here listening to Some Girls are Bigger Than Others (The Smiths - banger tune) instead of actually practising my guitar, which I have neglected for the past five or so days, and which I really do want to improve in... Why don't I actively make the right decisions, I wonder. That said, it is ten now, so I probably shouldn't (don't want to wake the neighbours; they'll think it's the foxes again).

Revising wv

So, in terms of wv, what will I do? I am running out of ideas, but as I've said before, I was running out of ideas by 0007, and I'm now 29 after that... But I also do want to stop the kind of rambling that I've been doing quite a lot. I also don't suppose I want it to be fully dry, and partly, wv is supposed to be very free. I would also like to try some more structured, proper, writing, or writing here things that I can then later touch up and put together for a story (I still want to write Erica, though I doubt I will ever get around to doing it properly). I'm not sure if it wouldn't be wise to, if I want to write, to try something a little easier, like a short story, first. Also, do I want it to be "light" and "trashy" (like that The Last Train Home book I just read) or do I want it to be more properly written, more artistic, literary, in a way? Likely the latter, though I don't know if I've the skills for it. Also for poetry - I'm not very good at writing poetry, exactly. Anything I've written so far is, frankly speaking, terrible. Well, always time to write more.

I'll stop now. I think that wv can remain fairly unstructured, but I should try to write on a particular topic, if I can, or perhaps write other things too. I suppose I'm still not sure what skill this is building up (resilience? obstinacy?) and so not sure what else I can do that will cultivate different skills. That said, I suppose knowledge of that kind will come to me eventually, if I just... am obstinate enough.

With that said, have a good one.

On good and bad; measurement

Mon, 19 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000

On good and bad

I wonder if there is anything that precedes good and bad. As a human, we act in particular ways, where good actions are deemed general, and bad actions as corruptions of the otherwise good. As an example, sexual immorality is always a variation on the good sexual act. Likewise, gluttony or greed are variations on the good state of hunger or the act of desire. The Metaphysics of Quality seems to say that good or bad, in the sense of, having good or bad quality, are monadic and the initial point from which all else originates. In other words, moral is first of all. The Platonic form of the good does a similar thing, but makes good subservient to the forms, which are initial, and virtuous in their own right... most philosophies in fact seem to put either morality or some agent of morality first of all, and all else emergent from this. I suppose that it seems as if moral cannot be justified in any other way if we don't do this.

The question is one of what is good and bad. It's difficult to know - in a way, there is bad inherent to all acts by way of their causing harm to another. For instance, as I write, I eat a slice of bread. The bread was packaged in plastic, but also by way of buying the bread money has gone to a likely trans-national corporation, and given wealth to the investors. This in turn has taken money from the needy and given it to fund pensions, etc. that are fairly excessive (the old get rich whilst the young get poor) and lead to an imbalance in society. But it's just eating bread! And as I write this wv, I am aware I do something bad by shirking the things I know are more pressing for me to do (practise guitar, lift weights, go to the shops) and writing instead, which is somewhat of a leisurely activity.

I really don't have the capacity to philosophise much anymore. I used to, but it seems I've really lost a lot of that ability. Perhaps if I begin to focus on it a little more again it will come back to me. For now, I suppose I can only act, knowing that I always do bad, but try to minimise the worst of it.

Measurement

How can I see whether I'm progressing or not, and whether I'm dedicating enough time to something? I suppose it is a matter of declaring a session, and seeing how many I do over a given period of time.

As an example, for the guitar, I did not play last week Fri, Sat, or Sun. It was my own fault, and I really should have tried to do more. But I didn't, and that was my own fault. So, for this week, how do I try and make sure I do enough guitar?

I think it is best to measure it kind of over a monthly basis, so I can see how many days I do something.

I was, originally, tracking for a wide number of tasks over the course of each week. But I wonder if it is best to track a lot of things monthly instead. Then, I can track for things I want to do by the amount of days I do it per month (e.g. I want to do at least 20 half hour sessions of guitar practice per month - that equates to 600 minutes or 10 hours) and likewise for things I want to avoid, try to minimise this count. This gives me a certain freedom, where I don't need to worry about the actions of any given day, as I can resume it on another day. If for example I do not practise guitar on a day, it can either be built in as a form of slack, or I can catch up on a different day. Likewise, I can manage wv in this way: try to write, say, 15 wv entries per month (that may be too high a number). By doing it in this way, it gives a certain leeway for any given day, but means I can more clearly see my progress as compared to tracking for a singular week, where I am bound to feel bad due to my lack of overall progress.

So, that is what I will do for the rest of this month and next month. Track on a monthly basis and see how it goes.

Have a good one.

Topics all over the place

Fri, 23 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000

What exactly is need? I the other day felt as if I needed a walk...

Of course, we use need for things we do not strictly need. What is that which is strictly necessary? Well, theoretically nothing, as necessity is a relative term. Necessity is always relative to a state, and a given external thing is either necessary, beneficial, or unneeded for that state to be achieved.

To take the most basic example, water and food are necessary for survival. Sex is often deemed as necessary (Maslow's hierarchy of needs) but is not strictly necessary for survival of any one individual; it is necessary to the survival (or propagation, rather) of the wider species, but to an individual it is mainly only necessary to sate the sexual urges. My walk was not necessary, save for sating my depression, or, rendering myself in a state which is better with regards to my mental state.

I was always told a child that I don't need something, I want it. That was generally before I was then denied said thing. The unstated here is that I do not need it for my survival, but that I want it, namely, need it for the satisfaction of my desires.

Wants

Wants then are just desires after things. These things may bring about a temporary boost in happiness but will not produce any longer-lasting better state of affairs. If I want to go for a walk however, this will both produce a temporary (if small) boost in happiness, and will produce an (if small) longer-lasting better state of affairs. For instance, I may feel better on the subsequent days, or may be less inflamed, or whatever it may be... Weight-lifting if wanted will produce a longer-lasting better state of affairs.

The good desires, it seems, are those desires which are wanted to benefit or please primarily or additionally the future self, whereas the bad desires are those that benefit the present self. Then again, the desire I had last Tuesday to buy myself chocolate spread has generated satisfaction for my future (now present) self in eating, but has detrimented my future self and his health... What then exactly is it? I suppose my actions in the present of actually eating the chocolate were bad desires/actions and so, I could argue, any present action which either is bad in itself or facilitates or brings about or is solely relating to a bad action in the future is bad. Conversely, any action that either is good in itself or facilitates or brings about or is solely relating to a good action in the future is good. Not sure if that works, nor do I really care.

I need to leave now, so I'm going to pick this up when I get back...

Oh, philosophy... and work-life balance

I'm so bad at it. I just want to be happy.

The ever-growing pressure is work; the midde-class pressure is work. I suppose the odd thing is, I am at a fairly junior position, and already I am hither and thither (sedentarily) and have many responsibilities, and too much to do, and not enough time to do it all in. I used to have a job where I had a good degree of leisure; I feel as though in many lines of work in the city, there is secretly that leisure that pervaded. People would go to the pub of a lunchtime, or go out for drinks in the evening... I do not feel I can really do that, owing to the economic pressure (a drink is £7 or so in the city, so after a few drinks I'm poor) nor am I particularly social anyways. I suppose in a way, all things both circumstance and personal failings, but of course I could also do these things to an extent.

Work seems to be almost bulging, trying ever constantly to exceed any limit that is placed on it. Largely, it is confined, but occasionally I do work a little in the evening to lessen the burden a bit... then again, I do also have times in the day when I am fairly lax in terms of getting things done, as does everyone...

It is strange how, in this modern world, where we should have it so much better, it seems instead we are ever strained to do more, output more, be more productive, accomplish more, instead of being somewhat satisfied. The usual explanation is of course capitalism; Graeber explains it as the rise of a new class who coast on little real labour being produced, but oddly, I am a part of that class (being an insurance worker - fake work) and yet the pressures are ever mounting to get things done quickly and expeditiously. Why? The economy is of course in a bad way, but where did the money go? Where did the value, in absolute terms, go? Surely, it's ever increasing?

Love, Developing

Aside from two crushes (one at school, one at work) I've never experienced love. Crushes aren't love anyways; they're infatuation. I read a romance recently, The Last Train Home, which was in my opinion really good, and I suppose I don't quite understand love. I know what it is, and I suppose the aspects associated with it I understand too, but I guess I don't know it so fully... It's easy to have ideas going into it, but I can't pretheorise, and as and when it actually happens, I'll have to write excessively about it then and try to work out the specifics of it. I wonder if I will know enough to do well in that regard. All theory, no practice, but at the same time I need a little theory, just enough not to kill myself.

I suppose it's too early to theorise. At the moment, I'm working on myself, though progress is slow, and I'm not sure I'm focussing on the right things. I've been arguing with my mum quite a bit recently (I've been going out for walks late at night, which worries her) and I suppose I don't know how to argue. I think also me and her have a way of arguing with each other that we've build up over time, that isn't quite healthy. I don't think it's right to say that a good relationship would involve a lack of arguing, but I think it's sensible to say that there is a good and a bad way to argue, and I'm not sure what defines a good argument what not, in terms of conflicts between fundamental desires, and the actions that pertain to it. She says I have a lack of respect for her worrying, and I think it's just a way of guilting me, but in the same vein perhaps it can easily be interpreted as a lack of respect, my actions. I want a little freedom, even if I do still live at home...

Hmm. Perhaps I should work on moving out.

Budgeting

I'm going all over the place in terms of topics... I am quite frivolous with my spending at the moment, and also do not particularly track my finances... I think I should tighten my purse strings a little. I should probably budget. For instance, I could budget with X a month, and allocate the rest properly into savings, an ISA, LISA, etc. I really need to do that before I end up back at April next year not having properly invested.

Blocking in time

It is strange, but I suppose I really do need to block out time to get things done. For instance, if I have a list of items, such as sorting out the bank, and other things that are sort of on my "todo", I need to block out time to do each of these and just get it all sorted, as soon as I can. And do it properly, and in the way that spares me labour going forward. Something like that.

Ok, I'll call it a day here. I have too much to think about. I'll go for a nice walk now. Have a good one.

(In terms of topics, these have gotten really rambly... I do need to reel it in a little. I should try to structure them a little. Also, the podcast (so far, no episodes released) has sort of fallen by the wayside. I could probably benefit from reviving it. At least I keep myself busy, I guess.)

40th wv and permitting myself a cheeky ramble

Fri, 30 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000

Really, the entire purpose of these wvs is to ramble, or at least to write my thoughts freely, and so in a way, nothing here constitutes a ramble, in the sense of something that is in a way disallowed, or unwanted for the wv, given that it is allowed by the very nature of the enterprise. Oh, to overthink.

This will be number forty. It's hardly 100; it's just an arbitrary number ending in a zero. Somehow, it still feels impressive to have even made it this far: 4% done. It's taken a year (well, nine months) to get to this point. There is some sort of imagery about childbirth, and creation, to be found there, but I don't really want to bother to try phrase it.

Gym

I've been going to the gym since April, so now five months. I'm not sure how my "gains" compare to others, nor do I exactly care, but I've noticed a definite leaning up of my arms, which are what I have mainly focussed on. When I tense, my arms are a lot tighter now, and less squidgy. Of course, there is still a long way to go; in fact, I don't really know what I want to achieve from it. I will pursue it into next year, I have decided, and will try to make good progress. This will be I suppose achieved by aiming for progressive overload, or trying to increase the weight that I can lift well and without excessive difficulty. I can tell it is increasing gradually, but of course it does take time. I've also shifted only recently from machines to free weights, and have found that my knowledge of my body, and of the exercises that I am performing, is increasing by way of that. Taking the difficult route, of sorts. At least, the one that requires a bit of learning.

The main thing that I dislike at the moment is my stomach, that is still quite large. I will need to remedy this by losing weight. Ideally, I can get to the point of a six-pack or at least just some prominent core muscles. Really, the visual display is more for myself, that I feel good about myself, than anything else.

Late-night walking

I'm going to - potentially to celebrate, I might argue - go for a walk after this. It's already dark of a nighttime, it now being September, and is already as I write at gone-nine completely black out (except for street lights). It's amazing in a way, and lovely, and I so very much enjoy walks of a nighttime. It has an odd allure to it, the idea of being almost entirely alone, and seeing the city when there are so few people about. The night has a strange reputation within culture, as something of magnificent beauty, and associated with those times of coming back from clubs late at night, drunk, a modicum of precarity or danger, and an association with crime, drugs, rape, murder. Yet, going out for walks at this time, it has a completely different idea; there is still a certain worry associated with it, even though I've no fear of the dark. Perhaps it is inherently human to fear the dark in some way. Yet, it is tranquil, unlike the day filled with cars and noise and pollution and throngs of people, and relaxed, and timid in a way, reticent. It is a time of retreat, introspection, thought, relaxation. I can almost walk just to walk, where during the day I feel almost unjustified if I do not walk to somewhere, from somewhere, with the destination as the object, not the walking itself.

Tiresome duties

Duties are quite tiresome. I noticed in the garden that some of the plants are looking a little dehydrated, and the allotment (out of sight, out of mind) is likely in a terrible state. I have yet to really put much effort into it - I was planning to this week just gone, but have not - and it is really not in a great state, I know. I am not particularly bothered. I feel as if gardening, and tending to the plants that seem to need endless protection, and do not really offer me anything this year (a few tomatoes and that's it) is really quite tedious. Of course, in a way this is me becoming burnt out with it due to the poor harvest this year, and the prevalence of slugs as a pest, and the like that really destroyed my harvest a bit. Still, I will have to take care of it - from tomorrow, definitely - and return to a position where things are on a good track. I want the gardening to, next year, be something I can almost be proud of, be something where I do not need to investigate huge great swaths of time to it and still get something approaching a good harvest, and enjoy my time doing it a little more. In a way, part of it is because I have decided not to do several things such as strimming that would make my life easier (less slugs) and am still undecided on what I need to do in terms of paths or other things. Really, it doesn't matter, because I just need to get things done, and maintain them, and the maintenance is the important part. I had a fantastic tomato crop last year, but have not had such this year. Next year, next year, I tell myself.

Next year

Next year, I guess I really do just want to carry on with what I've begun this year. Allotment (started last year), guitar (started this year), gym (started this year)... I am really changing a lot as a person in the past few years, with something fairly major each year. Perhaps, this is a result of my changing a lot as a person, and growing up. I also want to begin to try motorcycles, because I do enjoy them, and it would afford me a little freedom in terms of doing motorbike tours, or going to the Lake District or other places on holiday where UK public transport is... lacking. That is the whole UK, really, and so if I want to live here, I do just need to give in a little and try to go with it. Of course, this in no way means using it for every journey, which is horribly wasteful; in fact, I would want to find some way to offset the fuel that I pay to BP or Texaco or whatever. Well, a lot of the money is actually tax to the government, but still. It is bad what is happening to the environment. Of course, I ride a train every day, so I really can't speak. I do wonder whether it is actually something I should do, or if it is giving in to a bad thing.

Here's to fifty

And then to 100, and 200, and so on. I do want to keep this up, as best as I can, though I worry it's going to slip at some point, or I'm going to get busy with other things, or not going to be able to come up with ideas. I suppose the good is that I don't need to write anything overly impressive, and of course nobody is really going to read this. So, here's to fifty. I'll be there soon, and then I've a hundred, or whatever, and nine hundred and fifty left. A lot of work, but I'll get to thirty and think, wow, I'm at XXXX, and realise it's because of a lot of small bits of work that have piled together into a sizeable corpus of mostly rambling, and occasionally something halfway acceptably written.

With that, I'll go for my walk. Have a good one.

Arbitrary milestones

Thu, 03 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000

It is my 83rd wv: an arbitrary number. The topic however, was chosen because I am fast approaching 100,000 words. Before this wv, the count is 99,259 - actually because my counting logic is a bit off and also includes titles (just because the counting uses wv over all the files to get that sum - I need to amend this at some point to count correctly but that's a job for later me) the real sum is a little less, but only by a few hundred likely. Assuming that I have ten-word-long titles on average, I have written 820 words across my titles; this is enough to offset the crossing of 100,000 for this wv, but really: I don't care!

The 100,000 number is a nice one in our decimal system, but is of course itself arbitrary. That said, I think it's perfectly good to celebrate round numbers like this. However, the actual wv count is far less than this: as a result, I have essentially given myself several metrics I could celebrate (wv count, word count, potentially average word count, etc.) and am celebrating whichever of this conveniently works out for me. As I result I end up celebrating more often: instead of just celebrating, say, for every hundred, I have celebrated (in my mind) at 50, and then later at 50k words, and at 100, and now at 100k words, and have even celebrated at some stranger numbers. Is this bad?

I suppose it is all a play for me to keep motivation to keep on doing it, and really a way for me to build up confidence that I am doing... something, as in, I have work to show for what I have done. The cumulative effect of my writing wv is that I am now at eighty-three entries, when before I was struggling to get even into double digits. I am now in six figures in terms of word count, which (for the size of the task) is essentially the same: it represents 10%. Now, there is actually a lot more work to do still. All the effort that it took to get to 100, I've got to replicate that ten times over. And potentially it will feel more arbitrary to celebrate 150, etc., but that's fine.

Returning to the question, is it bad? I suppose in a way, it could be argued that it enforces a kind of short-term attention span, where I am being rewarded (mentally, by myself) for not really actually doing anything of worth. I am saying to myself, how good you've accomplished 100k words! when the count of entries (which is the actual metric I am using: I expect the words to surpass a million at the end) is still stuck at the measly number that is not worth celebrating of 83.

At the same time, there is potentially room for me to end up growing too depressed if I do not see any returns on it: as such, I am feeling good at arbitrary points that I set myself. I may even feel good after overcoming wordlessness (writer's block) at some point in the future, and use that as fuel to continue writing. And if I can't survive without the positive reinforcement (of my own thinking it) at this point, owing to my weakness, then I suppose I will eventually acquire this skill by grades, and will have that to show in the increasing distance between points of celebration: after all, though I might celebrate my first 75, I will hardly celebrate 375, or 475, or 775. Instead, it will go up: 25, 50, 75, 100, in usual increments, and then may become: 150, 200, 250, 300, and then, 500, and then 750, and finally 1000. The distances will grow longer, and I will grow more resilient to make it through the longer stretches without this kind of mental reinforcement. Ironically that will make it harder, because I'm giving myself one less free entry to write about an already sort of pre-decided topic...

And so, perhaps, it ultimately comes down, I suppose, to: do whatever keeps me writing. The main function of this is to be able to write 1,000 words more easily, which, for the most part, is achieved: I can ramble for 1,000 words much more easily now, even if I do often need to do so on multiple topics (which sort of invalidates it, in a way) and, recently, have for some entries been struggling to make it again. I wonder if there is some balance of having things to consume, digest, and output (to use the analogy of information as food), where if I strike up a good balance, I will be able to output well, and improve over time. The other aspect of writing wv is of course that it forces me to write... well, anything, unstructured, useless potentially (likely), and so could force some kind of improvement, or at least the kind of introspection that is associated with getting words out on paper.

Now, applying this to other things, I suppose, the general rule is that whatever allows for progress is good. Then, I suppose that it is hard to say that it is good or bad in a general (deontological) sense, but rather that the consequence is what matters. I suppose there is a wider question to be asked on whether this wv format is actually any good, or whether it does actually help me to write, or just is a place for me to ramble (which I did before) without building any skill in terms of writing itself. Really, I need to somewhat challenge myself in terms of writing, and the low pressures afforded to the wv are probably quite good in terms of gradually applying the pressure to write better (at the same time maintaining the 1,000 word limit). I know Visa has (had?) a time limit to write the entire wv in no more than 15 minutes: that wouldn't happen for me (I tend to write quite slowly) so I would need more like half an hour, but I could train to write more quickly using wv. Essentially, I can use this as a training ground, whilst also ensuring that I keep the habit of writing up.

In terms of the gym too... I could count the times I go to the gym, or for a particular session, if I've lifted a heavier weight than I thought I could, or if I did more reps, or felt less tired, or any number of other things. The key thing is that I'm going forward. Also, comparing a blog post that I read... today and I wish I would have made a note of it (after some searching: it's here) I need to ensure that recognise the growth that is happening, and not feel as if I am stagnating when I am not. I have heard the term growth mindset a bit around, but never really researched into it, so hey, there's another thing to do.

Ok, it's late now so have a good one.

On gardening, and what to do

Sat, 09 Mar 2024 00:00:00 +0000

It's been a while since I've written one of these! I had meant to write about one or two a week, to allow me to practise my writing. Of course, that has fallen by the wayside, as have many things. I will not promise to write these on any specific timescale, but would like to do them more regularly... That said, they are challenging for me. I get about halfway, and then struggle to make up the thousand words. It is because I am not used to writing at length, and instead try to be extremely brief with what I say. In doing so, I likely neglect topics which to me are intuitive, and thereby cause the explanation to be of poor quality and difficult for others to follow. This is really what I want to remedy in writing these slightly longer-form entries.

The topic today is about gardening. There is a study published earlier in the year by the University of Michigan, which claims that home/urban gardening pollutes six times more than industrial agriculture. It's likely true: industrial agriculture is frighteningly efficient. I don't think this takes into account externalities: there are other things in life more important than just reducing our carbon footprint, such as the actual biodiversity (in a monoculture field of carrots, we lose a lot of good that isn't just carbon), the use of pesticides and fertilisers that may leach and contaminate far away from where they were originally used, the divorce of citydwellers from where their food comes from (most acute in animal agriculture: animal lovers who decry a cat being kicked but see no issue with systematic slaughter on terrific scales: I am reminded of that one quote from Stalin), and so on. But if we are thinking just in terms of carbon output, it is probably correct that home gardening is less "good".

The study does detail (I haven't read it, I've just read the news articles) the potential reasons why. It states that the primary cause is infrastructure: urban gardens which use new infrastructure that only lasts for several years do not offset the total carbon output of producing that infrastructure. In this way, the best solution to this is to reuse old infrastructure. I try to do this on my allotment: I use bits of old wood, including some from old cupboards, etc. that would have been thrown away, to create my borders. So for me, this is not really an issue.

Another issue, however, is compost. I buy a lot of compost: I practise a form of no-dig, though I certainly do not adhere too closely to the idea. For instance, if I want to set up a new bed, often instead of cardboarding over it, I will simply dig it out, and heavily manure/compost it. Going forward, I am not doing the annual dig, but instead am adding compost and removing any weeds that may have come up.

The problem is, all this compost is, firstly, expensive, and secondly, not very good from an environmental point of view. I do not know how the compost is made, but given it is so black, I imagine it is from animal manure and some various other things thrown in. There are also slow release fertiliser pellets in it, for which I do not know where the fertiliser comes from. The major issue though, is that it comes in a bit plastic packet. I'm still going plastic-luwe at the moment, but I still buy in compost, and quite a lot of it, for my beds, which is a lot of plastic. I don't really have much use for it, to be honest, so I end up just throwing away all the packaging. It is single use plastic, exactly what I want to avoid.

The question is, does the soil really need compost? We have a rhubarb plant that has not been fertilised with compost for god knows how many years now, and it is still going strong, and providing us a good harvest. Traditionally too, people were able to get a good harvest out of just tilling over the ground and sticking seeds in. They never needed to fertilise with shop-bought compost, because there wasn't any! How is it that traditionally, people could grow crops without issue (well, the occasional famine, but that can still happen) and not need compost? Does it genuinely help out the beds?

There are of course some plants that are worth growing that help with the soil fertility, legumes for instance that fix nitrogen. I think of the soil as a kind of reserve of resources: when we harvest, we take out nutrients from that reserve, and so we must, as gardeners, act to replenish anything we have taken from the soil. When we compost, we take a small part of what we took from the soil, and add it back, thereby replenishing it. When we fertilise with manures, etc. that are bought from outside, we are adding to our soils. Now, we need to make sure that what is from outside is not a net "take". Store-bought compost, as a mass produced branded product, probably is. I can't say for certain though.

There is also the issue of this nutrients model. I think, similarly to the model of the body as a vehicle which requires fuel (food) and will gain or lose weight in proportion to the amount it moves, I think of the soil as a store which either gains or loses in "nutrients" (which I generally think of vaguely, and really only N, P, and K), I need to think of the soil as a form of balance. If certain nutrients increase, they can cause deficiencies in others. Additionally, a bigger number is not necessarily better, as some nutrients are harmful in too high amounts. Acidity of the soil, and presence of salts, etc. can also all play a factor in soil health. I am not sure if it is possible to juggle in all in the head, or if instead a more general approach is best to take.

I am also not sure if the idea of nutrients being "taken" from the soil is correct or not. Certainly, when a crop grows, it contains within itself a certain amount of nutrients. When I harvest and consume the crop, those nutrients, in that form, are lost from the soil and become either a part of me, or the sewage system. The questions are: are there other ways (apart from my intervention) in which these nutrients can be restored; to what degree are nutrients lost; is it even necessarily bad that those nutrients are lost? And, will it recover naturally? It may well.

I think, for this year, I will continue with compost. I will not buy much, but will buy a little still just to help the beds that I have just begun. However, in terms of the established beds, I will, instead of re-composting every year, instead potentially just mulch the beds with what I can find, and leave out any third party compost. This will mean that for 2025 I will aim not to buy any third-party compost. I can use that which I produce myself, though.

I think that makes some sense. I will definitely need to revisit this, as I am terribly confused on the specifics of gardening, and am always learning a lot about it. That said, reducing my dependency on third-parties is always a good thing: in fact, it is the reason why I got into gardening in the first place. Hopefully over the coming years, I can make some sense of it all.

I should also stop buying so much... It would be good to work with what I have, and find ways to source what I don't, instead of constantly buying. That said, I think a lot of these purchases that I make now will last me a long time, so in that sense it might be ok?

That's all for today. Have a good one.

On self-improvement and the best course of action

Mon, 10 Jun 2024 00:00:00 +0000

I'm currently trying to remedy the faults I have accumulated as a person over the past decade or more of neglect. I cannot fault my younger self of course; I am really a different person now that I was then. I have faults now I didn't then, but also a perspective on it that I did not previously...

So, I suppose the main question is: what should be prioritised, and what is the best course of action? Is there such a thing?

Of course, the fault in my character is holistic, or, it is all of my person, not merely a specific aspect, that is at fault. For instance, were it my diet that is poor (which thankfully it is not anymore; I've eaten well for a few years now, though unfortunately I did eat poorly all through my developing years, likely leading to the stunted state I am in now where I'm only about 5ft 6in), I could think of that as the issue. However, it would have knock-off effects. For instance, the high rates of sugar would cause swings in energy levels, and I could imagine that the lessened dopamine reception would induce lethargy, etc. This in turn would compromise my social performance, potentially inducing a form of social anxiety, or making job prospects worse. Poor sleep management could cause excess tiredness, and so insufficient time is dedicated on acquiring skills. Likewise, an addition, e.g. to social media or to a more tradition vice could sap time away from higher pursuits. And so, even a small matter can compound and come to affect, if in small ways, the entire system that is the person, and everything to do with them.

And so, what should be prioritised?

Let us make a distinction between those things that are easy to remedy, and those things that are not. For instance, an easy thing to do may be to do as Jordan Peterson says, and make one's bed of a morning. A harder thing to do would be something like quit an addiction to, e.g. alcohol. We could either take the harder issues by the horns, and tackle the major addictions and most prominent shortcomings in one's life. In this case, with full force attempt to quit alcohol through addiction help groups (e.g. Alcoholic's Anonymous), or take out a card that prevents purchase of specific goods, e.g. alcohol, or things of this nature. In other words, we a noticing a clearly evident problem, and dealing with it by employing our full force and will.

The alternative would be to take the small things first. These are small enough often that they can be done in large amounts. For instance, we could take the individually small pieces of advice such as: make your bed, go for a walk, as well as dealing with several tangential issues, e.g. poor diet arising from focussing on alcohol instead of cooking, and try to use these as almost a distraction from alcohol.

Because each individual job is so small, they cannot reasonably be refused on their own. I believe a problem with trying to tackle the larger problems is that the larger problems can very easy be overwhelming.

When I went on a soft skills course at work (they likely noticed how overwhelmingly shy I was; it's not much better even two years later) the teacher mentioned three zones. The first is the comfort zone, in which one is perfectly content. This is going to always be the usual activity performed. For instance, not making one's bed is comfortable and so keeps one in comfort zone. The second is stretch zone; making one's bed is closer to stretch zone, but is still safely close to the comfort zone: it's not that hard to make the bed. The third is the panic zone. When in the panic zone, the person will just panic and shut down. For instance, if I were made to do public speaking in front of a thousand people, I would be in panic zone, and would just shut down and not respond. In front of ten people would be stretch zone: I could do it, but I wouldn't like it. My comfort zone would be one on one conversations.

Each of these small jobs, by virtue of being small, are likely to be in the stretch zone. This brings the person outside of the usual routine, and in a slightly uneasy state, but never to the point of snapping. A person who snaps will just go back to what they are used to. They will end up thinking, I'm not capable of this, I'm not good enough for this, and just do their usual. However, if they can be pushed slightly outside their comfort zone, they'll gradually improve, and not end up snapping and regressing. There may also be other benefits to the act itself: keeping a diary may help a person to get their thoughts in order; going for a walk may render engaging in a pornography addiction unfeasible, etc.

Returning from theory, I notice in myself that there are days on which I typically regress in terms of my actions. Sometimes, it is out of my control. For instance, I may sleep poorly at night just because (and for no fault of my own). This happened to me only this Sunday; I then had to cancel my swim in the morning as I had not slept at all. From there, I struggled to maintain an effective day and not fall back into old habits; I inevitably failed.

The next day however, since I have a variety of small jobs I mark down in my tracker as having completely or not (of which the wv is one: I've done it for today), I can easily pick up one task or another and try to get the ticks in. I aim for thrice weekly gym and allotment: the only reason I can reasonably have to deny these is weather, and if the weather indeed is poor I can schedule to make it up later in the week (was more difficult this spring where it rained so often). The RHS course and Lloyd's Market Essentials (LM1/LM2) courses that I am studying I can also use to fill in the gaps. Or I can read: I have always wanted to read more, and now that I can get a free tick just from picking up the book and reading a chapter or so, I am far more tempted to. Doing so gives a sense of accomplishment in the jobs that are small (make my bed), as well as more medium-sized jobs such as reading or practising guitar (only picked back up again last week: I stopped when I was about 15. I'm really bad at it but trying to play Here Comes the Sun) that take a half hour or so. Importantly, each of these take me away from bad habits and vices.

But... I'm not focussing on other problems. For instance, my social inhibition is a serious problem I've had since I was about 17. I actually wasn't too bad (I still wasn't great) as a teenager, but I lost my confidence during A-levels and so was terribly shy upon joining the workforce. I'm still terribly shy, though perhaps not quite as bad as I was. However, I do not really try too much to push myself outside of my comfort zone. I mainly go out with friends either meeting one-to-one or as a group but rarely interact with anyone I do not know well. For instance, I do not tend to talk to people at the bus stop, because, well, I don't tend to ride the bus often (also, I live in a city and people would consider you weird for striking up a conversation). I do not tend to go out and meet new people often if at all, do not date, etc. When I go out for work-dos (which I do, and I almost always stay out to be one of the last people there) I talk mainly to people I know well first of all, i.e. those in my team. What is making my bed or practising guitar going to help me for these? (The latter may a little if I ever need to serenade a girl... Doubt that will ever need to occur.)

Really, it is that one of my shortcomings is interpersonal, and so far none of the actions I propose deal with or further interpersonal exposure. Whilst it does not panic me, certainly any action taken, e.g. initiate conversation with strangers, date, etc. would either be extremely costly in terms of time, or would not do too much to further the goal. I'm not so shy to talk to shop staff, so that (which, to someone with much greater anxiety than I would massively help) doesn't do much for me.

So, what of it. Well, I don't really know. I'm just writing to justify the existing style of dealing with issues through many small acts, and also note a major failure of it. Of course, this indicates that there is still an issue. As mentioned, due to the system (me) being holistic and with no independent variable, this would also mean that shortcomings in this one regard affect all other regards too. For instance, I consider my character generally to be rather poor; I also note that I often do embarrassing things involuntarily. For instance, when I had to ask a bus driver for help, I went bright red and sweated profusely: it was to the extent that a lady riding the bus looked upon me with worry and kindly offered me a seat. This is a consequence of my poor interpersonal skills. Likewise, it links of course to my poor conversation skills, worrying over small aspects, etc. This in turn has other detrimental effects, e.g. I am sometimes slow to complete tasks at work because of a fear of initiating a conversation with a colleague who I do not know well. Likewise, I probably do not know much due to being too scared to ask questions and appear stupid... So on and so on.

For now, the system is acceptable provided I am willing to deal with this shortcoming and am aware of it. I must find ways, ideally that are in themselves small, to deal with this issue. At work for instance, I have taken to doing a demonstration to each team (one per week) of a new system we have, and field any questions. This is only in front of a moderately sized audience, and is definitely helping. The first week I was altogether terrified... The next week was much better (granted a smaller audience). I'll see how tomorrow goes, but it's going to help me I think. I'm also taking on much more work (often too much) which is forcing me to work harder and so build skills there; I cannot afford to really lose time to being too scared to talk to someone at that point.

Really, the goal is self-improvement, but is a very slow one. I'm aware of that. I will look back at some point in the future and think, wow, I've improved, but until then the gains are often marginal.

Ok, that'll be it for today. I wrote almost two-thousand words, which was impressive. I'm not sure why they came so easily today... Not complaining. It's ten to nine and I still need to practise guitar before bed as well... I'm not giving myself much time.

Have a good one.

Grey skies, grey mood, grey bindings

Thu, 19 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000

It is a joyful day today: grey, damp, somewhat misty. It's a nondescript day; the kind of day a narrator would omit; the kind of day to elide; the kind of day with no pride. Oddly, the sky is still distinguished from the grey of once white buildings, yet to the same degree as from the palm trees, or the sun-ripened maples.

In such a meagre, mediocre, middling day, it would only be apt, and it is, for my mood to be the same. I notice without seeing; I hear without listening; I am waking without being awake. A detached, depressed, day. In fact, upon waking up I open the curtains to find the room as dark as when they were shut; yet the skies are not dark-black, but grey. The skies here never are black: the ever-alive, ever-half-dead, city of sorts.

There is no connection, no binding; or the binding is a grey, flimsy structure as with the rest. To think that the parting of a cloud could give the sun to the land, and hope back to human hearts; yet, it shan't part. Today is that kind of a grey day.

The grass is a golden-grey from the parching sun; but there is no sun anymore. The fields are tilled to a lacklustre brown, yet we've no more crops to sow for the rest of the year. The once blooming flowers are run to seed, and brown.

Winter is here, I suppose.

It's a saddening thought that the summer is far behind us, so long gone, so forever away, so eternally distant; we've the long winter to handle now, then the cold spring. Really, the cold is never so cold, and the winter never so long: in a way, the cold too is grey, mediocre, middling, apathetic, never aggressive, nipping, biting. The days are short and worthless; the nights are become usual and excessive.

I did like the winter. I think this year I shan't. See, it is cold, and not cold enough; dark, and not dark enough. I think I grow tired with things that become inconsequential, and not worthy of discussion. The weather is odd, but it never seems to hit extremes; we did not get forty-degree heat this year, rather, we got a rather middling summer that disappeared in a few days it feels like. In the north, winter persisted until May or June, I believe. Here, we had nothing but wet until April or May, excessive slugs and snails, failing crops; then we had a summer, that came too late, and offered too little; then we are coming now into autumn (the leaves are beginning to fall, and conkers adorn the street), and it's still... too warm. It went colder - down to fourteen - last week, and yet it's back to a fairly warm standpoint, but not warm enough! And simultaneously too hot, if that makes sense.

I despise this mediocrity which I feel pervades my life, and likely the lives of everybody else too... Yet, I am inert to stop it, in true aptness. I don't know what to do, and can't do anything. It is a useless, fruitless, endeavour. In fact, the allotment this year carries the term fruitless to literal exemplitude: there was practically no fruit, no harvest. A few tomatoes from a weak and withering plant; yet all else died.

I suppose I want summer back?

What can I do about this? Well, if I'm talking about outside, likely very little; man was made to tolerate a depressing winter, and that I must do this year again. Oddly, though I've had twenty-two of them before me, I feel this one is particularly challenging. It's too... nothing. It will require me to shift back to a mode where I am focussed on thought, and on study, and these kinds of things, as opposed to being able to be outside in the open world, and exposing myself to newness, the sun, the world.

I am still, after so many years, lost, listless, longing, lacklustre, languishing, loveless, less. Is this the bad type of self-reflection? We've had too much rain this year; the lakes are full; I am a naive Narcissus, impotently staring at his reflection in the murky waters, wondering if it couldn't be a little more beautiful. Couldn't it just? Couldn't I fix it? I think I can't fix it.

Oh, mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head. Oh, The Smiths, don't you reflect my mood ever so well? Don't you amplify it ever so well?

The melancholy of being trapped in a train, and seeing out over the sky, that never once shifts from grey. Of going to work and seeing out the window a sheer grey. Of going for lunch and eating under an unedifying grey. Of returning to a work in a world of grey e-mails, tasks. Of returning home from work with a grey walk home. Of having nothing to do but sort out household tasks, so dull and grey... Of sleeping in a not quite dark enough room (grey, too), and waking up to no light, only grey.

Yet, I am not sure it is the sky that is the problem.

Have a good one.

On bad decisions

Sat, 17 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000

I've made several bad decisions today. Firstly, I went for a swim even though I had nothing booked, but did not go to the gym. Then, I've gone to Utopia, and as I eat have still a half slice of cake and a half a milkshake (my third), that I don't want. I'm no longer in the mood for them. That said, I don't want to waste food. So I guess I have to eat it, even though I really, really don't want to.

I suppose a part of adulthood, which despite being 23 I still have not reached, is understanding those things that will make one feel bad. I don't know, for instance, in the late night out on Thursday, whether I would have felt more bad for leaving at half eight and being in bed nice and early, or for missing out on the enjoyment I got from the drink at Seething Lane tap. I think I would have almost enjoyed more the quiet night in, and the thought of other people enjoying themselves, than I actually did from being there. Then again, I do want to show my face, and I do enjoy being out late at night. The problem I have is that it causes me to feel bad the next day or, now, the next two days. It has a bad knock-on effect, in other words, and causes me to lose out significantly in the future. It's a tough trade. Of course there are certain matters I really don't make the trade on: alcohol for instance I nowadays barely touch, because I know it causes me a right struggle the next day. A lack of sleep gives me the usual problem you might expect from sleeplessness.

I'm not sure, but I guess if I know the actions that cause a bad effect in me, and make me feel terrible, I just need to not repeat them in the future. Things of this nature take time, but soon I can almost turn them into immutable laws: for instance, I can say, thou shalt not buy two slices of cake, which will rescue me from a situation like this. I need to just learn what is good for myself and what not. Really, it's odd that I am taking so long to get used to myself. I think also, I almost try mistakes, understanding that I will regret it, and then do it, and inevitably regret it. Of course, that is what it is.

So, I guess I've learnt at least one thing. Is it all consumptive habits? In other words, has there ever been a situation where I have done something productive, and regretted it? To my mind no: even if I do something and it wears me out, I only ever potentially feel I haven't accomplished enough.

I suppose then, I know what to do. I must try to avoid consumption, and increase production. I go to the cafe each week, and spend a lot of money... at least about £30 each week now. So I need to stop, and potentially go elsewhere, for instance to the park, and make my own food... This reduces a potential for over-consumption, reduces the chance of over-purchasing, and means that I have an additional factor of production.

Is youth (I'm still youthful right?) about making mistakes in that fashion? I need to just experience making lots of mistakes in life, oh I've done it already, and then I can learn.

Talking of. Let's briefly summarise what I've gone over in the past few wvs.

I suppose changes I want to make are:

Try to be more consistent in terms of gym, guitar, and other things I want to improve.
Try to stop over-thinking about whether something is moral or not: in terms of riding a motorbike, or using plastic, I can of course do better or worse things, but I have to understand I lead an immoral life.
Try various things with e-mail and task management for work. Really, the main thing is that I get everything done without excessive delay that I can.
I want to use the phone less. This could maybe work quite well if I get another Casio (like the F91W - the strap broke on mine) and use it for alarms, timing, etc.

I suppose what I want to do is reduce my bar for entertainment, or my need of stimulus. By doing so, I will reduce the need for a phone (except for calls and texts) and can maybe even forego the browser altogether on the phone. On this laptop, I am generally fairly productive, so I suppose it works out.

(A woman just said to her daughter playing on the piano, "that's enough now, this man's trying to work"... I guess since I'm on the laptop it appears like I'm doing work, when really this is a recreational activity for me.

In a way, it's odd that my recreation is like this. I suppose recreation is about creation in a way, and is not meant to be consumptive. I have always felt though that my hobbies are little odd, given that most people would rather watch media, or do things of that nature. I do of course consume media, but I see it as something bad, vicious (vice). I instead want to aim towards being productive, and getting to a good state. I rarely manage it, but I guess that is what it is.

I suppose over time, my interests have changed. This year, I'm going to focus on the gym and guitar. Allotment will resume focus next year, I tell myself. I honestly am not sure that's fully going to happen: I am going to struggle to continue with the gym and guitar, which are not going to be at an adequate state by next year, and also manage the allotment to the extent I did last year.

I was thinking of a half-yearly review, but I suppose my annual review (yer) will suffice. Come December, I hope I'll have something to say. That I'm getting better in terms of guitar, building strength from the gym, etc. Slow progress, very slow progress. I just want to improve over time I suppose.

Well, 1000 words. This one was in no way worth reading. I feel as if I reiterate, repeat the same thing a lot. I suppose I have to to make up 1000 entries? I should try to pick more specific topics, or write words on something that I have just studied, which entails studying.

Ok, have a good one.

Omoide no Marnie

Fri, 06 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000

I needed this. I've just seen Omoide no Marnie... I cried quite profusely. I always do, I suppose, when watching movies.

It seems like the world of film is so perfect. The characters can always draw; the backdrop is beautiful and the art too; the people are faulted only in a singular way; the tomatoes never fail; the weather is thematic; there is never work; there is never stress, never pressure; there is never the ugliness of the modern day and its additions, subtractions; there is a kind of beauty captured in the life that is imperfect in that perfect way, where joy and sorrow abound, never anger, frustration, annoyance; where morals are irrelevant and all is good; where there is never a computer to capture the words; where the diary is read and written; where letters are written, and calls are on the landline; where one is certain of the wild mushrooms, not unsure; where the dinners are meat and salads; where the knife cuts perfectly; where the times of the tide are known; where there is never oversleeping; where there is never tiredness at inopportune times; where the tears flow readily where appropriate; where it all is so very beautiful.

Yet, is real life of this sort? Could real life be of this sort? Or is it never of this sort? Am I the cause of it not being of this sort?

Do I think too much?

It's too perfect, but I would like to take away some horrifically corrupted aspects. In a way, my presence corrupts, my words and writing corrupt the beauty - and the film was beauty - and I never could write with beauty. I wish this world of mine, as experienced, was of beauty. There's a perfect beauty in the film; to borrow the words, it is the beauty of eikyuu ni. Where is that eternal beauty in reality? Imperfections are only present as the story allows. What is the story of life?

I want to write a proper diary. And if I could overcome my vices, would that not generate in a way that kind of beauty I desire?

And I draw, sketch, could I not create, find, seek, that kind of beauty I desire? For to cycle up to Old Leigh and to observe the sunset there would be a beauty I cannot imagine. A beauty I only wish I could imagine. I did want to, when I was younger, only several years ago, actually, go to Leigh, and observe the sunset from the benches atop Belton Way. Could I not? Would that not be magnificent? With the bicycle beside me and the sunset before me. The tide in or out depending on the hour.

Dreams. Reality is harsher; the roads are heavily motorised, and to cycle is scary, so very scary, and distressing, even though I am capable of it. It is merely uglier in reality. The emotion is harder to conjure. The view is uglier, the emotion is uglier, the person is uglier. There is no skill in my hand to sketch in that way. To think I must practise is an ugly mode of thought. It is all so ugly, in reality, and for beauty to prevail, there must be something else; a sense of beauty in the person, and I have lost all sense of beauty about my person. I am thinking in the mode of productivity; the mode of work; the mode of gains; the mode of routine and ritual; the mode of self-flagellation; the mode of lethargy; the mode of similarity; the mode of the grey sky, the grey man, the grey mind; oh, grey does represent it well! I suppose I desire a certain vividness; even pencil can draw vivid colour into the eye of the mind.

Then if I am at fault, then it is my fault; I've acquired this state unto myself, and have generated it for myself; I could generate a better state. I could undo any harms of the past years: the repression, the quietude, the inhibition, the moderation, the consequentialism, the double-checking, the control... if I were freer! Then I might drink wine with impunity and find it beautiful, where the taste is abhorrent; I might take to myself a bottle for the night, and enjoy it, so thoroughly, truly thoroughly! Is there more beauty in sobriety, or cider as I enjoy, or beer, or wine, or limoncello? I deny myself at each turn, that I think, I shan't drink wine as the taste is ugly, or, I shan't drink cider as it is bad for my sleep, or, I must go to the gym, and then treat myself horrifically with each day I do not go, and then have work, where I am given more than I can handle, and I want to cry. The movie allows me in this way to cry, but it is the beauty of the film, and the ugliness of life, that causes me to cry. What can be done to make life beautiful? Did I even find beauty in it as a child?

I find prosperity beautiful, yet despise the middle-class life; I find grandeur magnificent, yet despise the decadence; I find beauty, yet never where I am; am I the absence of beauty? Is it myself I find negates the beauty? Can I never experience pleasure of that magnitude, the sheer appreciation, the raw taking in, unbridled and unprocessed, of the beauty of a moment, of a thing, of a person?

I bit my nails even during the film. Odd, that I could not keep myself in the state I desire even when expose to the magnificent beauty. In a way then, I suppose it is myself that I feel is a thing lacking beauty, an earthly thing, a failed thing, a human thing... The movie never shows the bitter argument, the wrenching pain of an apology, the lack of clarity in one's chest... It never shows that you are not sure what to write in the card, or that the scene cannot be captured by the hand and the eye that measure it. These horrific things that constitute life are not there. I wring my hands at this, and desire a life of better beauty... Is it possible? Or am I complaining about fiction not being real?

I've to pick up my mother from the station tonight. The train will almost certainly be late... I would like to try something different tonight. I'm a little hungry. I did not eat last night, nor breakfast, nor have I eaten dinner tonight. I've surprisingly little appetite. In a way, it is wonderful not to need to eat. I always eat too much, that horrific vice. And at the same time, I want to go the gym tomorrow. It is strange, the lack of beauty in a gym. But of course, life cannot be all beauty. The problem I have right now, is that I've focussed on productivity and not focussed on beauty. I've lost the ability to see beauty. I haven't had the ability for many years. If I cease earthly stimulation, then I wonder if it is the sheer novelty that will then return the beauty, but if it will not be lost within that very moment... Much as the sexual passion behaves. The beauty of a Ghibli film then is that it does not have these kinds of passions, naturally, as it is a children's film. The beauty seems to last for longer. Yet, I wonder if I drew, and could draw, if the passion and the beauty of that would not become mundane also?

It's all very depressing. I think my life needs more beauty; the seasons cannot give me that, as we are in September already and will soon be in October, then winter... So, I suppose I must make do. I must try to find where beauty is again, and perhaps, just perhaps, focus less of the productivity, and the stress, and all those abhorrent things; just sit by the seaside, and focus on the movement of the waves.

Have a good one.

Sunday; wanting to get away from my room

Sun, 29 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000

It's now the Sunday, and fast approaching... no, it's approached, it's now ten past twelve. I will go to the gym during the day, and also to the shop potentially - I think I want to get some nice (not UPF) bread from Sainsbury's. Or, actually, I could not do that and just make my own - then again, I also want to get some soya milk from Aldis (and restock on tofu - I am getting through it at a rate of knots (about 200g/one packet each day) so should really consider whether there is not a better source for it in bulk and with less non-recyclable packaging.

When I came home yesterday from the cafe, the Buddhist monks from the Krishna Temple were in town, and I ended up talking to one of them. Really, it was quite bad of me and I feel immoral for it, that I was not exactly paying exact attention to what he said. I was in a bit of a funny state that day, as I said in my last wv. But he gave me a book, Sri Isopanisad (sans diacritics) and also a pamphlet for the Be A Monk challenge. In a way, I would actually quite like to do that; I would need to find a way to get it off of work, but I could well do the seven day one and take that off of work. The next one up from that is three months which would mean negotiating with my employer and possibly just leaving and getting a new job, so has a bit more challenge involved. Work as usual is the difficult factor... but it would be fun to try I think.

I have been thinking of putting together a sort of bucketlist, to note down all the things I would like to try. Firstly, I think I will study the book I have been given, and may even try to read the Bhagavad Gita at some point (I've only skimmed it at parts). I did want to pick up the pursuit of philosophy at some point, as I have been rather taken over by more worldly (and, productive) concerns.

I have a few plans for the upcoming month of October. Firstly, I naturally shall be going on my first trip in however long to Bologna, Italy; I will also try to cultivate a writing habit for the blog by writing at least two entries a week, totalling 104 in the year (for 100DaysToOffload). I still need to work out exactly in what consists the difference of the blog and wv, except for the restrictions on post length in wv - I suppose blog is to be more structured. I will also look to pursue #Inktober, by drawing at least one sketch or ink drawing each day. This will probably intersect nicely with the trip, where I will have a lot of new sites to see each day...

In writing the blog, I will try to find at least one or two interesting things to do each week. That will give me something to write about on the Sunday weeknotes, I suppose, and mean that I have things to enjoy doing! I want to try to change the way I live my life such that I am in my room less, outside more, and spend more time doing enjoyable things. The thing is, this does not need to come at the cost of just working: for instance, since I have the laptop, I can always go to the park or cycle up to somewhere and do some work on the laptop there, just with a pretty view.

Essentially, I have been having this thought in the back of my mind for a while now, but I feel as though I somewhat lessen as a person for the more time I spend in my room. It seems that there is something in the nature of being in my room that dwindles my faculties, and lessens my virtues; in fact, I think this is the same reason why people seek out a separate office from their sleeping quarters, and have separate rooms further for leisure and for cooking. Having everything in the same place seems to have some kind of corrupting influence, or rather that impurities that naturally exist are allowed to compound and to propagate to other aspects of life, such that the entire life then becomes tainted with the originally somewhat confined impurities. Does that make sense? That is what I think, at least, and is why I don't really want to spend so much time in my room now. I do work on a Monday and Friday at home, and do so from my room, which gives me ample time to fool around in a way. I wonder if there is somewhere I could go to not have this problem. I would need an internet connection to work, and so could either do so on a mobile connection and take a seat in the park (but only for a few hours, before I would need to return home to charge the laptop) or could perhaps go to the library or something like that. Or, in fact, I could just go into the office five days a week, but the office and London are both very ugly places, in a way. I sort of want to be able to go out into nature, and work there for the full day without needing to return.

Certainly, any leisure time can be spent away from my room. For instance, I can return to my room only to charge my laptop, and can then use it in the park, or by the beach, or in any number of other places. Just as I default to going to the cafe on a Saturday, I could prepare myself some food and hop on the bike to somewhere nice, and go each and study there. It would be cheaper, too. I could relax in the park, as opposed to in my room. This would mean that I almost truly relax, as I would not be drawn away by the laptop or any wayward intentions (I'll just lie down for half an hour... whoops I've now slept the whole day! I used to do this a lot during summer holidays when I was in school too). I could bring things to entertain myself if I need, like my pen and pencil and the sketchpad.

(Of course, it's getting colder now, and is stable at around 14 degrees. It will get colder and I'll need to acclimatise myself to it again.)

I suspect that's all. So, I'll try spend today away from home. I will, when I return from the gym (and after I've been to the shops and made food) will go to the park for a while, I think.

Have a good one.

On the treatment of children

Mon, 27 May 2024 00:00:00 +0000

Regarding children, it is evident that there are good and poor ways of handling them. Those ways which produce healthy adults are good; those ways which produce unhealthy adults are poor. Then, we must characterise health in an adult.

An adult is healthy if he is of sound physical health, and not overly mentally burdened by any matter. However, since virtue is characterised by a willingness to endure hardship for an ideal, instilment of said nature into the child ought yield healthy results.

If to parent is a selfless act, those behaviours which exist for the pleasure of the parent yet detriment the child are undesirable.

The most obviously poor method of parenting is an appeasement of parental sin or facilitation of parental pleasure at the expense of the child. This would be physical or sexual abuse in the first order: the detriment to the child is obvious, and all good nations act to eliminate this type of parent. In the second order is psychic abuse, notable in the case of parents who argue, or are dissatisfied and stay together only for the child, or the restriction of the free action of the child for the appeasement of the parent. This form of abuse is occasionally made illegal, depending on extent.

Neglect exists further as traditionally known form of abuse. Degrees of course exist. Coddling exists also, itself with degrees.

Now, I would like to detour slightly and bring up actions taken by modern (I feel, often urban 'citydwellers') of I believe dubious nature.

Firstly, those actions partaken in by adults also that cause harm for the child. For instance, television, and nowadays particularly short-form content are certainly harmful to the child. Really, I am not so sure whether they are actively malignant, as for instance UPF I will discuss later, or if it is bad simply for its absence of virtue. I did watch some TV as a child, and certainly found aspects captivating. I would go close to the CRT to see it in detail (never more than 480p)... for a child nowadays with 4k OLED panels, the nature of the risk is worse, due to its vibrancy and extent... children nowadays certainly exhibit more addictive behaviour with TVs. To not curtail their frequency would certainly be poor parenting...

UPF demonstrates an issue well. If, in isolation, considering whether the feeding of a child UPF is abusive, one might ask the harm. To answer, is that harm is evident in the severe stunting of growth (physically and intellectually) of the child, the effects of the induced psychiatric disorders, cardiovascular an metabolic complications, etc. Clearly it is not good for the health of the child. Yet: since children nowadays consume UPF, it is socially the norm. I as a child had for packed lunch fruit winders, crisps, and the like. I am short (5ft 6~7) and do wonder whether this was not at least partly due to childhood diet. It could be said, if it were socially acceptable to physically abuse your child, would you? But, one could argue it might not be so terrible: the odd dessert is not a problem. The issue appears to be degree, and frequency.

Another action of modern parents I cannot stand personally is the incessant taking of photos. I just cannot understand it. I saw a woman with her child in a buggy; she stopped and went round to her child, as if to check on its wellness. However, all she did was take out her phone, take a photo and return to the other side. Not a shred of other interaction with her child. I thought, if you want to look at your child (which as a parent is a perfectly good thing to do) , it's right there!.

Whenever a child is taken out on nigh any activity, photos must be taken. Now, I am not against all photographising of children: it is nice to have something to look back on. But a photo for every occasion is far from necessary. Children oblige with the smiles as they are beholden to the whims of adults, yet I imagine it can't be good for them...

Degree. The whole thing is degree. TV is not good but the harms are not altogether grievous in moderation. Likewise, UPF. If the parent is out of alignment, then actions regarding the child with be performed with the improper degree.

A major issue I guess is also an excess of control. This manifests itself as the attempted production of subordination within the child. It often succeeds, given the natural weakness of the child that cannot resist the force of an adult. Rather than state intentions overtly (and I do not particularly believe this action is overtly known or cynically intentional, rather, that it is impulsive and necessary to appease a vice), terminology such as a good child, well-behaved, naughty, is employed; alternatively age itself is used pejoratively to denote such a state: it's still young, etc. The purpose is the avoidance of stress or worry that comes from any degree of uncertainty (i.e. appeasement of the adult). Actions of the child are constrained when particularly young so as to yield a domesticated child; by late childhood, a good specimen will be particularly inert. Of course, it seems to an extent to be the same issues reflecting themselves in this handling of the child. For instance, a parent in a city without community might fear neighbours, or the elusive class of strangers (whose number oddly diminishes the more you attempt to ascertain their nature) and reflect this nature by abusing their child in this controlling way. Of course, strangers will in actuality do no harm (largely as they don't exist outside of the imagination) and the most likely person to harm a child is the parent. Yet it needn't be rational. Parents hereby propagate defects or mental maladies onto their children, or appease their vices by means of and to the detriment of their children.

So, then, if I were a parent, what ought I do so as to benefit my child? Often, these harms come about due to the lack of knowledge, or the undervaluing of severity, of a particular act by the parent. As such, I must realise that there are notions about which I too am unknowledgeable. If I act out of unknowledge, I negligently bring harm to my child. Ideally, I can identify those most serious matters, so that I can act mostly properly, and damage will be minimal.

A child and an adult are not so unalike, in as much as what is damaging for an adult likely is also damaging for a child and vice versa. As such, I could learn about what is good for myself and provide a similar environment for my child. Important though, I cannot act in a way that is harmful to my child to appease my deficiencies.

For those aspects I notice, I must act so as not to repeat those. Partly, I can alleviate problems in parenting by resolving my own issues. For instance, if excess photographising is an issue, I can resolve this by not being addicted to my phone (or eschewing it altogether).

Generally, I think this is it. A good parent gives a good child. I ought know what is good and bad, only allow limited access to that which is bad. Further still, there are likely ways to push the child in a good direction without being obvious about it and potentially causing rebellion. For instance, I could try satisfying the need/want for sweets with fruit (though subtly). I've a long way to go before I'm a parent, but I do want a family, and it would be good to be prepared. Anything I can learn can generally be applied back to myself as well.

Well, that's all. I've written this on paper first of all, so I'm not sure if I've hit 1000 words. I've not done a wv for awhile as I've been working on olea, a project whereby I research the literature on aspects of health, firstly focussing on oils and fats (hence the name) but which will likely expand to sugar, UPF, etc. to find the ideal diet for me (taking into account what I enjoy, too). I can expand it further in terms of any number of other things too: exercise, ... I hope to write up my thoughts, and so am going to count it as a part of wv. Hence the lack of entries for a while. I am not being lazy though, and am now beginning to have more output. Of course, there is also a lot of input. I'm beginning to be closer to where I want to be: more productive. I'm also learning a lot about what is good and bad, and am in a way more introspective. I am also acquiring better habits from knowing where bad habits emerge. Yet, I've fat to go. I'll keep on trying.

Ok, well, that was that. I'll keep studying olea, and write wv if I find time. Have a good one.

On errvice

Sun, 21 Jul 2024 00:00:00 +0000

I haven't a particular topic for today, so I may take several and only expound on them loosely.

The context is, I have slept poorly. There were mosquitoes (at least five) in my room last night, as I left the window open inadvertently. I have also blundered heavily, failing to do well in terms of my goals for the week. So, I feel quite bad.

Happiness: I'm not sure on it. I have periods where I am in a good place, and others where a vice por poor sleep or something gets to me. I think I'm generally content of the moment, but often have this bad experience (don't know if there's a word for it: errvice could work as a name) and so almost regress for the day. If I can keep errvice at bay, I may stay happy in the sense of occupied by good pursuits for extended periods of time. Is happiness then merely a result of general good health, and good occupations that hold errvice at bay? In other words, is dissatisfaction merely the aggregate of many errvices, of an errvicious life?

The Monk: he leads a good life yet when exposed to the public takes to seeking approval. Gradually he engages in greater and greater vices, until he is betrayed by the Devil; each bad action, errvicious act, is an act that contributes to dissatisfaction. Or, do these acts arise from dissatisfaction? Or from errvice? Is desire an errvice? Generally, what is errvice? I defined it above as the sum of {errors,vice} though of course vice is poorly defined. Previously, I termed vice a regrettable act committed in non-lucidity. Is this an error? An error were rather: a regrettable act committed inadvertently. In this case, is the aggregate errvice not an act regretted committed either non-lucidly or inadvertently? Then, desire: an errvice? I will say desire, entailling thought, is an act. The state were desirousness.

Desire the act committed during desirousness: a state of non-lucidity...

So desire is an errvice, yet require dissatisfaction (and in turn, perpetuating such)... hence, for desire to begin, one must start of dissatisfied: a newborn comes out crying.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this. I guess it's nice and all to have a word to describe those actions that result in dissatisfaction, but the key I think is to avoid this. I think I''ve just done a sort of circular logic, like that French play in which the doctor explains the drowsiness inducing effect of opium by means of its natura saporifica.

Regardless, it seems valuable to me to know that happiness in some sense (beatitude?) necessitates a lack of this errvicious action. I must sleep well, not engage in vice, etc.

And if what leads to errvice is... error (try avoid I guess) or dissatisfaction, then almost errvice perpetuates itself. If I deal with the dissatisfaction, I may not require errvice, or seek it.

So, what do I get out of this? Last time, my definition of vice gave me the knowledge that vice arises from a state of non-lucidity. Now, I have expanded this to include errors, as a part of the wider category errvice. It appears (as with The Monk) that errvice breeds errvice: as such, I can take action in lucidity to stop errvice with a more lasting effect. I guess that's all: it's very little of value.

(Not 1000 words by a long shot.)

Have a good one.

Long time no write, and self-help on Youtube

Tue, 31 Dec 2024 00:00:00 +0000

It's been a very long time since I've written a wv. I sort of gave up after having hit (or, fail to hit: I only mustered 500ish words) the 100th entry, and have instead blogged a little more.

I have been somewhat changing my habits, but a habit that sticks around is Youtube. I can't watch it on my phone as I have it blocked, but I can still watch it on the computer, which I am doing at the moment (well, it's currently paused as I write this) as I am working. I began by listening to music: the Austin, TX performance of Losing my Religion (a song I am listening a lot to lately, to try to get the hang of it as I am practising it on the mandolin), The Smiths' What difference does it make?, etc. Then, through recommendations I suppose, I ended up watching Cole Hastings. He has several self-help type videos I have been watching today, for instance the one I am watching at the moment discusses communication as the most important skill. He mentions how writing video essays helps him to improve his communication, and that he occasionally does brain dumps, which are essentially what wordvomits are. I realised I've not written one for a while so decided to write this.

Ultimately, I'm not sure on the position of Youtube, external influences, etc. in my goals. See, they do actually help. I don't do shorts etc. so most of what I watch does to an extent help me out, or make me reconsider certain positions. I'm not sure if it does it in a way that actually leads to change though, or if it is just watching the same ideas on repeat as content to consume (consoom).

Consuming content is useful; I have to also consider though, why I consider Youtube to be the vicious kind of consumption, yet consider reading to be a virtue, and am proud and happy of myself for consuming media in that form. Essentially, it is audiovisual media that I dislike, and that I consider consumption, where written works, or words that I write myself, I do not consider bad at all. Is there some kind of bias there, or is it a feeling that arises from a genuine state? I think, there is genuine harm in audiovisual content to an extent, though it naturally does have its virtues. Potentially it is the ease of access and use that is the problem. Potentially it is just my relationship to them, where, because I consume them in an addictive way, I consider it a vice.

He mentioned an interesting fact about trees in one of his videos, how they have more branches to one side, because of the amount of time sun is in that direction; I have never noticed this. It was a video about a mourning bird (I don't think we have these in the UK) and how many people don't hear them anymore, despite them still being ubiquitous. I stopped and could hear the birds very faintly in the trees outside, which I wasn't able to hear amidst the noise (even of that Youtube video)...

I also noticed a very small snail (the kind often seen in ponds) in my Dendrobium orchid pot. Similar idea.

So does it help? I'm really not sure. It's tempting to say people made do without Youtube in the before times, but that doesn't really help judge whether it is a net positive or not. Potentially it is negative by sheer way of its addictive tendency: I should try to rid myself of anything that promotes that kind of relationship. That is the same reason I dislike the phone: it is not to say phones are altogether without virtues, but rather that, because they are from a system that is after abusing the individual, they end up doing that. They have screens that are very bright LEDs with high refresh rates, lots of snazzy animations etc. that all grip the eye to a small but significant extent. The apps present are often quite adverse to the user, or at the very least, there is less of a culture of provision and co-operation (like there is say, with Linux FOSS programs) and more of a culture of extraction, and trying to capture attention. Anything I am provided is provided at a price, or with an intent that I will fall prey...

Youtube I know is the same. It potentially feels a little different, as I am given to it as a vice, but it is the same. It is fundamentally trying to get something from me: my time, my attention.

It has the same kind of scummy feeling (to me), if to a lesser extent, as when you go on those sites that have domains like www7.watchmovies123.xyz and are littered with hot singles in $PLACE adverts, and open up a pop-up window on every third click. Youtube isn't so extreme, but the mentality is there.

So do I value the videos enough to continue to engage in it? And the question I suppose becomes, what do I fill the void with?

Those videos do help make work a little more bearable, for instance. They help fill the background when I am doing something (that doesn't require particular focus).

They also distract me. For instance, I just started to watch another video, instead of finishing this wv. Doesn't that exemplify the issue?

I don't feel bad at all about trying to reduce/minimise my phone usage, nor of biting my nails, nor of anything else. Somehow, I do feel bad about the idea of reducing my Youtube intake.

I fear

that there will be a void that I will not be able to easily fill.
that I will miss out on the things that do actually provide some semblance of value for me, in terms of directing myself in a better direction or providing general advice.

For the first, that is probably true. When working, the background noise of a video would become silence. Painful as it is, this is working as a drug, to just have a numbing effect. I fear it stopping because of my addiction, and reliance on it for my own mental wellbeing; I have outsourced the ability to feel content (that's not the right word: ataractic may be better?) to something numbing, pacifying, stupefying, something external. A video playing in the background. Perhaps it will be a little painful to do without it for a while, but surely that is for the best?

The second is harder to counter. Potentially, there is nothing wrong with me that I cannot, given sufficient time, intuit, and so I can do without the videos. I can use the time I free from these videos to self-reflect.

I may have talked myself into it, but I am not fully convinced. I'm convinced in mind but not in body, if that makes sense.

Progress is gradual, and I need to constantly remind myself of that. I need to be gentler on myself.

Have a good one.

Violin pt. 2

Sat, 11 Jan 2025 00:00:00 +0000

This is an apparent sequel to my previous wv, Violin (pt. 1) where I talked myself out of buying a violin. Now, I want to talk myself into buying a violin.

I was looking at a shop to buy some guitar strings (I want to restring my guitar to see if that improves the sound; once restrung, I basically know that any problems with it are due to my being bad at guitar) and saw on the website a violin going for £75. It is second-hand, comes with a bow and case too. I really badly want it, if I am honest.

I currently have the guitar and the mandolin and am to be honest pretty bad at both of them. I cannot do either well. A violin would be more or less the end of my desiring instruments (until I want more expensive instruments, or decide that I would really like to play the mandola, or whatever) but would necessitate more spending. Perhaps, it is spending that is necessary to appease my desire for music, and I do like playing music now (not sure if I'll ever be any good, especially if I don't focus on the one instrument).

It is only £75. I have, for my budget this month, £600. It isn't bad if I spend that money, because it is budgeted for leisure and pleasure spending, not for savings (though any leftover will go into savings). Further, I am actually getting a bonus of £150 this month from completing my LM2. So, in terms of spending, I essentially have:

£200 for trains
£100 budgeted for food for the month
£100 for cafe trips etc.

That makes £400. Essentially, I still have a load of money left over!

I'll also be spending £~40 on strings, so that makes it £440. I've spent £90 on various shows for later in the year: £510. I've got £90 left, which could easily cover the £75 for the violin + I'll have to buy resin separately. Still, I could do it, and it is well within budget. It'll mean that I can't really spend much else, though. Essentially, it might mean I forego other things, e.g. going out etc. I might also have to think about what happens if there are drinks this month: just have water? Sure, I can do that. TBH, I won't spend £100 on cafe trips, so I will be a little covered from that.

And... this is spending money. I have it in pocket. I won't suffer from getting it, and can always sell it again if I need the money back. It will mean that I can try to play violin again, which will be fun! I just want to have things that tide me over, and act as good skills for the future. I doubt I'll ever become good at the violin, but I do want to be able to try it again.

So, financials decided. I can hack it this month. Now, onto whether I actually should or not.

To buy or not to buy?

Firstly, it can't be bad to play a violin if it entertains me, and playing and learning will aid me generally in my musical ability (currently, not incredible)

I also have to realise that I don't even like the guitar very much, but I still do play it, and enjoy playing it. The mandolin... I really enjoyed it at first, but am beginning to grow tired of it, perhaps because I'm only playing the one song. I just need to get good at that and I can begin to progress. Of course, time is of the essence, and what will really help me out is being consistent with music over a longer period of time.

Having the violin cannot hurt me, except in that it might detract from my existing guitar and mandolin. That said, I can argue that because the tuning on a violin is the same as a mandolin, that I will actually gain mandolin skill by it. Therefore, it is good... sure. However, the violin is a radically different skill to the guitar or the mando, and so I will have to dedicate time to it. Potentially, just having it, for those instances where I have excess time and do not want to do guitar, mando and have already done those would help me out. It can be another time sink, and one I don't hope to progress at (at least for now). Therefore, I can get it without feeling bad: I have the money for it (and can always sell it again if I don't use it), I can play it without detracting from my existing instruments, and can learn musical techniques by it. For instance, I believe the violin uses the normal musical notation, so I will have an opportunity to learn that a bit better where I don't get that chance (well, I do, but it's easier to use tabs) for guitar and mando.

Overall, it will help me kill time, and that's the most important thing. I want of course to progress, but progressing is a general thing, and involves essentially spending my time not consuming media outside, but rather improving my existing abilities. The gym is one that has outward consequences, however music does not unless I perform. I would probably start to perform guitar and mando soon (well, I am practising Losing my Religion on the mando, and Norwegian Wood for the guitar (as well as Villa-Lobos Prelude no. 3) to perform, granted in private amongst a small group. Violin won't be like that. Still, it would be fun to do, and involves progressing myself by trying to cultivate a skill. It will be a thing I do solely for fun though, and doesn't need to have progress or pressure associated with it. Generally, it probably isn't healthy the obsession I have with progress (and, how little of it actually comes to pass). Generally, it is good for me to try a) do better at what I do, b) take each day as it comes, and make it productive, c) overcome vices. Ultimately, see, what I want is happiness, and I am trying to orient myself towards it. I am not sure the kind of life I want to lead; at the moment, music seems to offer me a chance to do something, but that I am not good at. Regular practise will see me gradually improve, but it is very gradual. Frankly, I think I am plateauing at Losing my Religion, but it may just be that I am not practising enough, or that I am making some kind of general mistake that I am not aware of. Over time, I will come to improve, is all I know. For instance, I could previously not play chords mute at all, and now I can somewhat. I still have no chance with barre chords (which are necessary to play Villa-Lobos) and often mute the D and G strings when trying. I am not very fast at the switching between, either.

So what. Basically, I've settled on buy. The main thing is, I won't make it a habit (I've bought a mandolin only last month, and have played it pretty consistently, but basically I don't want to get to a point where I buy a cheap uke or mandola or mandocello or whatever just to try. I ought stick to the main two: guitar and mando as what I want to practise and get good at for the performance coming up, and if I've got time then I can play violin for a bit of fun). I'll use the spare money I have this month to get the strings (quite a bit of cost just there, in fact half the cost of the violin) and the violin, and then will be able to go from there. If it isn't any good I'll return it, and I get a voucher for that amount (basically, covering guitar string costs for probably several years).

It is impressive the power of writing. I managed to talk myself out of a violin a few months back (then again, I wasn't really playing at that point in time). Now, I'm talkin myself into buying one. Once I've got it, I'll experiment around a bit, and have some fun with it.

Have a good one.

Optimising and not doing

Sat, 26 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000

I think I have a bit of a problem with trying to optimise things, and then never really doing them. For instance, I have been trying to work out this morning what is the optimal way of doing my exercises at home, if I want to do daily exercises at home (push-ups, sit-ups or planks, maybe now superman planks) to ensure I get consistent exercise. But of course, it is all well and good me planning, e.g. to do a certain amount of press-ups but only every other day to get rest, etc. but the important thing is actually doing them. I am a man who loves to play in theory and the mind, but struggles to actually go and do the thing.

Now, it is not that I am doing nothing: I am actually doing some amount at least, and have done it fairly consistently for six months now. So, I am going to see gains if I keep this up for many more months (say, a year or two) but I also need to acknowledge that I am not seeing the kind of gains I could, precisely because I am often loathe to do things. This morning, instead of going to the gym as I told myself I would, I slept in. I wonder if this was a good thing or not: I have been a little sleep deprived the whole week, and probably would benefit from getting a bit more. That said, I would also benefit from going to the gym. I'm going to go tonight anyways (stick to that promise, me!) but it still feels as if I am slacking in this time. In reality, I am, somewhat. But also, I am spending too much time in theory, and not enough time in the actual hard work that needs to be done.

There is a healthy compromise. There is an amount of theory that is necessary, but also there is an amount of actual work that needs to be done. The work is sadly unpleasant to do. I have to choose between either the suffering that happens when doing the task, or the mental suffering that comes later from not feeling as if I've done enough. For instance, I am looking at push-ups in /thousands now and seeing I have only done 200, since the 13th. That is 13 days and 200 pressups, or about 15 per day. I do not feel that that is really enough; that is only about two sets, or maybe 1.5 sets, and so is not really the amount of effort I should be putting in. I think I should be aiming say for fifty a day (every other day, though) to see serious gains.

I like the idea that suffering now is empathy towards one's future self. For instance, I am thinking continually about what exactly I want to do, which is also empathy towards my future self, but the actual work being done is the truly empathetic action: I will have a future self that can feel more contented in his own skin, and can not have the same kind of concerns that present me has. I will be healthier for it.

And so, I need to, for my future self, stop being so invested in theory. I need to do the actual work. For instance, I have done the work for wv the past few months, and whilst I am not really making the same kind of gains the past few days (less inclination to write) I have almost hit 0100. That is a serious gain!

In terms of the daily exercises, I wonder if /thousands is the best platform for it as well. At work I was trialling a "slots" method, where I have a slot each week say, for a given task to be done, and can fill up the next weeks slots if I overperform (and give myself time to work on something bigger in the same way). I wonder if this is a good system. I think any system will is conducive to the thought of underperforming is bad in its own way. That said, if I am underperforming there is no way to obscure that, and a lack of performance is inherently underperforming.

So, generally, I think I need to just do the work, right? That is the answer. Just suffer a little in the present. Then, I will see later than I have made actual gains.

Also, a large part of what I want is to remove the overhead of things that stick in my mind. As in, if anything is sticking in my mind as a thing I have a backlog on, I should try to work to remove it. That way, in the future, I will have less to worry about, less mental overhead. That will just make life more enjoyable, and fundamentally I am doing this as I want my future life to be more enjoyable than my current life. I am not sure if it will actually work, of course, but it's worth a try.

I want to be healthier, with less pain. I want to eat well. I want the things that I try to put effort into to be successfully. If I spend time just thinking about something, then I won't actually make the improvements, so the important point is just that I need to try and actually get stuff done (gtd?) and I can hopefully make the kind of improvements that I want. As usual, I am stuck in the limbo state of "it'll be better at some point in the future".

sigh

Ok, have a good one.

Eugene Onegin; in a bad mood

Wed, 02 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000

Today, we went to see Eugene Onegin - an opera, and my first ever - and it was lovely, and I will expound on it in greater detail at a later date, I promise, but for now I want to expound on my immediate emotion state (that is more the purpose of wv, whereas I will use blog for waxing lyrical about opera).

We came back on the train, and since I had nothing to entertain myself (and I despite entertaining myself with the phone) I sort of just sat and wrote in my scratchpad as I now call it, at times also falling into a slight sleep as happens on the train.

When we got to the station before ours (and it's worth noting for context, I was with my parents, and my mum had the car) I felt a sudden urge to walk overcome me: I knew that if I did not walk then I would be in poor spirits. It happens sometimes that I just need to walk, and the prospect of going by car depressed me. And so I resolved to walk, until we got outside the station... and it was chucking it down. Similarly to yesterday, it rained so heavily the clothes got soaked through in less than a minute. I gave in (under their pressure and the thought that my trousers would get wet for work in the morning) and went by car. My mum said something and I snapped at her a little: I was in a bad mood, as I expected. (I really shouldn't snap, but it seems to almost happen before conscious thought... I need to apologise).

Now, really, I am partially disappointed at myself. My trousers are somewhat wet anyways just from the journey, so I feel like they could have taken it, and if they are wet in the morning so be it. But also, that I have not planned any redundancy into my trousers for work. As in, I only have the one pair, and if they get wet or if they get sick on them (as last week when I was heavily drunk...) then I can't go into work. Again, there is a leap of logic there: I can't go into work because I stipulate that only the trousers that I have designated as work trousers can be worn into work.

See, I've several pairs of trousers now, and I am sure some of them could be used for work in a contingency like this. Certainly, I have the dark blue pair that would work. Or I could wear jeans, or... I don't know, I need to think about it, but the problem is that I have not done so at all, in the five or so years since I've been working. And so rain comes, and naturally I have not got a brolly either, and all of a sudden I'm in trouble. I'm in a bad mood firstly because I require the walk to feel in good spirits (which, as dependencies go, is not too bad: it is restricted somewhat as I prefer to walk at night and in the rain, where the rain presents problems if I haven't the clothes to get wet, and the night gets me into arguments with my mum who likes to lock up at specific times) (worse actually, I also prefer to go on walks ad libitum, i.e. extending the walk as I feel like it, and without a phone, meaning that I would in perfect freedom go for a walk for two hours, middle of the night in rain carrying nothing but keys, where I can't really do that as my mum worries...)

So, what is the resolution to the mood? Well, for the specific situation, I need to add in some redundancy in terms of work clothes. The rain and the weather recently is really wreaking havoc on my plans (and consequently my mood) as it is limiting what I can do if I don't want to get my clothes wet. Yet, I enjoy walks in the rain, and will sometimes see rain and decide based on that to go for a walk. I don't do the same with the gym, for instance, as I don't want to turn up to the gym already wet and then have to work out. Honestly, (and as this wet winter approaches and I have to learn to handle the rain a little better) I should, as far as the gym goes, just get over it and cycle up to the gym in the rain. If I get wet, so be it.

As for clothes, in my personal life I don't care if my clothes get wet as I generally have spares or something else I can use. For work, I have many shirts now, and should make sure that as many as possible are clean at any given point in time, so I can simply get one out, iron it and have it ready as a spare. Generally, I leave the ironing to my mum as she also does my dad's shirts, but I do enjoy to have all three shirts done at the start of the week, and so would probably benefit from just doing that bit myself. For my trousers, there is a task (another! always another) in there to find a suitable backup if my main work trousers are unusable for any reason (say, as they are wet, or even if the groin tears open as happened with my last pair). Then, on days like this, I can walk back in the rain knowing that it doesn't matter if my trousers get soaked through.

I think also, some of this is just the problem with living at home. I want to lead a different life to my parents, and there are clashes because of that.

And the poor mood is, I imagine, due to the "peak" I experienced during the opera, and this now being the comedown. It's always less enjoyable after you've just enjoyed something. I suppose I should practise better mood regulation; I probably also am to an extent getting winter depression. I never normally get it that bad, but I think I may well this year... I'm decently more vulnerable, mentally, I think, precisely because I'm in a better place generally. A fall hurts more the higher you go up, and all that. Not that I'm in all that great of a position, but I think certainly the actions I've taken over the past few years have actually benefitted my overall mood, even if I still have very prolonged periods of lower mood generally due to a lack of sleep I feel.

I almost just wish I understood how my mood operates. I used to think it was almost exclusively down to sleep, but I don't think that's it. There is something else going on that puts me in such a state when I feel restricted from something silly like walking, fun as it is. Some sort of dependence, and then subsequent withdrawal, almost.

Odd. Either way, my mood has cleared up, but I need to work on figuring out what the problem is from an introspective point of view, and then actually taking the action to stop it in future (of course, only for this situation, but it will generally help me, and I can deal with other situations as they come up even if I have to suffer another trough of bad mood...)

I'll write an Eugene Onegin (though maybe another day, as it is late and I am tired). Have a good one.

Drawing, picking up skill, and when

Thu, 10 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000

It's now the Thursday, and it's coming frightfully close to the point where I will be heading off for the flight. I'm going to have to catch a very early bus to make sure I get to the airport in time, so sleep will not be on my side.

I want to ramble a little, and given that I haven't written a wv for quite a while, I think it would be good. I have of course now got the blog, and have to deliberate each time I want to write whether it would be better suited for a ramble, or whether I can afford the mental effort to make it a little more... readable for the blog section. Of course, wv has the further restriction of around a thousand words, which sort of forces my hand to put a modicum of effort in to any of my writing, which, when viewed from that lens, actually sort of makes the restriction of wv somewhat meaningful.

In terms of thousands, I have decided to try to track things in terms of individual atoms, and then try to reach a thousand of those each. Now, this works somewhat, but I am on drawing 14 now (the number is going up far faster than it was before, due to Inktober forcing my hand a little to draw - I really ought keep it up after October finishes too), and I am of course still terrible. Now, for the gym, I am at 36 or so, and have noticed actual gains from that. So, really, I am wondering, at what point do gains begin to appear in this thousands system? As in, can I reasonably expect to start getting better at drawing (and noticing the fact) around my thirtieth drawing? Will a solid month of drawing help me, or does it need to be two, or three, or a year, or five? It depends somewhat I suppose on the degree of skill I wish to acquire, and, since I really only want to be able to sketch, I imagine I am not aiming for an incredibly high amount of skill.

One thing I have been thinking doing this is, I would like to try to keep it up and then compare my drawings this October to the ones I do next October, to notice a skill differential. Partly also, I think it will less so be in skill and also be in fluency, in that I could get a similar quality of drawing out on the page in a shorter amount of time. For instance, a "quick sketch" of a scene would be far more detailled. Some amount would also be due to capturing of information that I currently do not capture in my mind: for instance, the shape changes an object undergoes based on perspective, or the intricacies of drawing particular objects. For instance, even my drawing of a pint glass the other day (which is an object I see everyday, as I drink from them at home) was of the wrong proportion: I can recognise that as soon as I draw it, but I also do not exactly know how to draw a pint glass with the right proportions. As such, that becomes a kind of "reflexive skill", in the sense that it requires no actual effort to do once established. Sort of like, when learning a language, the ability to separate and pick up words comes naturally and without any real additional cognitive overhead, despite there being a real process there: it is so well affirmed by time that it is easy to do. In listening to German, I can for instance continue processing a sentence whilst at the same time being stuck on figuring out the meaning of one word a few sentences ago I didn't understand, and can adduce all the further information in the sentences following as context to the understanding of the one bit I don't understand. Likewise, I imagine when drawing, proper artists are able to draw without even thinking most common and simple objects, which allows them to get the majority of the scene down, and work on specific elements (with a degree of fidelity) that they are less adapted to drawing. In this way, with certain parts made easy to the point of thoughtlessness, the difficult elements can be given more time; I on the other hand am having to mull over perspective, and realise that I can't draw circles very well, etc.

Once I've finished Inktober, I will have 35 drawings to my name. This is a decent figure, and of course will then mean that I have a decent "portfolio" to look over and see where to improve, and hopefully have somewhat ingrained the skill into my head. Now, currently, I am finding that on certain days I am too tired to draw: I was on a backlog until yesterday, and did yesterday's drawing this morning on the train (which is also where I write from now), and will have to do today's drawing later. I did the same thing with the gym: it took a while to acclimatise to the habit, and early on I sort of have to force myself to go through the difficult part where I couldn't really lift anything, found the whole experience unpleasant, and wanted to not do it. Getting through that, I am now at the point where I haven't been for over a week and am feeling really bad about it. I want to go, but opportunity hasn't been there. I will get to go Friday morning, so that will be something at least (though bad sleep will ruin any gains, hey ho). In the same way, I think for drawing I am going through a period where, though I do want to do it, I feel a little obliged rather to do it, and so feel bad when I do not want to for one day, and so have to play catch-up (which makes matters worse). I think I will get a hang of it a bit later (say, by 30 or so) and then be in a situation where I am equally inclined to do it as I am the gym, and there is a degree of fluency, or really of knowing my place, where I can do so with comfort, and so gradually progress without trying to reach above my grade too early.

In other words, drawing is a difficult skill to cultivate!

The thing is, the tracking of things in terms of thousands will make me feel pretty good if I get around to having say, 100 at the gym, and for drawing, and will make me feel terrible if I don't do it. In other words, the kind gesture to my future self will be to take whatever action I can in the present to maximise this number, and I can use this number as a proxy for "doing the thing", and "doing the thing" will in turn cultivate the skill, or at least acclimatise me to the process, at which point I can begin to spend mental resources on actually progressing, instead of focussing it on silly things like trying to build motivation. It acts as a form of external motivation, but which is minimal in that it does not have any dependency outside of "doing the thing".

In that way too, I will feel accomplished when I hit 100 for wv, and I am considering adding another tracker bar for the blog as well. For all things that I want to do, it may be good to add a thousands entry, which will allow me to know that the actions I am taking are actually progressing something.

That I suppose is my justification for the thousands system, though new thoughts will come to me as I do it more, and actually progress each. I think, for the moment, the mindset needs to be "do all I can to maximise the number", which will involve dedicating time to each. Then, I will build familiarity and later skill.

On music, social media, and work

Sun, 15 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000

I've changed the font on my terminal from the usual, Code New Roman, to Iosevka Term, which looks very different... I think it looks nice, and it doesn't have the problem other fonts have where it makes writing feel incredibly slow and sluggish, even though the actual speed of typing is unchanged... that said, I will see how long I keep it before I change back.

Music

I listen to so much music now, and have begun to listen to it on the way to work and whenever I go about anywhere now... I wonder if it is a bad thing. That I can't just go about and listen to the sounds of the birds, without having whatever song (and I don't have a lot downloaded, so it's always the same hundred or so songs) playing in my ears. Probably bad for my hearing at a base level, but I mean mentally it probably does something untoward as well.

Then, it probably makes sense for me to stop. I do listen to a lot of distracting media, for instance I always have something on in the background as I work from home (and, perhaps related, I get less done at home). That said, I also want to be able to enjoy music, as it does sound lovely. When Yorushika released their album Tousaku, I remember I sat in bed and listened to it fully during one lunch. I want to say it was June 29th, 2021 but I may be misremembering. It was whenever it was released. It was a heavenly experience: I had already heard a few of the songs once or twice, but to hear the entire album, was truly amazing... of course, not half an hour later, I had returned to baseline mood, which I managed to attack myself over.

I think, I'll stop listening to music (and stop bringing earphones that give me that opportunity) on journeys to work... that said, it does make it hard for me to study Easy Italian! of course it would be good to read more too, but the podcasts do help, so perhaps wait until I've finished my Italy trip to put that into action (though, I think I'll keep learning it even after I've done the trip - I've a few Italian blogs in my RSS feed now too).

Social media

Now, of course, traditional social media in the sense of Twitter, Facebook, etc. is bad for all the expected reasons, and should be avoided. I do avoid it and have done for most of my life (I briefly as a teen had a Facebook to communicate with my friends, and Twitter in order to... see inappropriate things) but I wonder: could it be worth it to use the Fediverse social media? Like Mastodon and the like. I of course don't want to turn into one of those people perpetually scrolling, and just having e-mail and RSS now does sort of limit the kind of content to medium-form content as seen on people's blogs (or, I get e-mails from Seth's blog now), and of course, though the Fediverse could be good in terms of social interaction, I should probably achieve that just by getting my website up to scratch (actually updated, so finish them scripts, me!) and e-mailing people whose blogs I read. That said, is this something I really want?

I do like having tidy e-mails, and it does makes sense to have my e-mail inbox be a place where I handle communication. I think I am approaching a better system for handling these things, or at least a newer, tidier one, which is good; I still though don't know what to do in terms of social media. It might not hurt to try, so I suppose I could just set up a Mastodon account and see how it goes? I don't want to be dragged into the newscycle or anything, and would rather see posts from individual people in a way. A lot of blogging is just people writing about their lives - in fact, I do that, with a lot of excess rambling - and I wonder whether at some point I will grow bored of reading people just writing about what they've done, or find it unproductive. That said, it's nice to see what other people do, and their insights, in a way that sort of simulates what you get from talking to others in real life.

Hmm. I might just try it for a bit. That said, it has to be a purposeful activity: no mindless scrolling. I'm partly saved from that because when I'm away from the home or work I don't have internet, so have to essentially make do with myself, or my notepads and books.

Work: when does it end?

I was reading Visa's thousand-word project, and stumbled upon one of them, I think it was seven-hundred-and-something, where he (or maybe his wife asked him this) asked: when does it end? about his work. It had a sudden effect on me as I realised, this could be part of the reason I feel so dissatisfied at work! In my personal life, I know when I've done something: as soon as I have gone to the gym and spent an hour or so their, I can reasonably say I've done a good day at the gym. For everything else, I can reasonably get to the end of an activity and say: yes, I've done a decent amount. But for work, there is always another task, always a backlog, always more to do. That said, I do get things done, but there is always a chance to beat myself up that I haven't done enough relative to what piles up. Perhaps this needs a shift in mindset where I try to do what I can and be proud of the progress I have made, if small. I am trialling sending emails to myself each day to demonstrate what I have achieved (generally because I work on bigger things, each day seems to only have an item or two) and at the end of the week to write what I did that week, including progress on long oustanding issues. That would help me, I think, to get a bit more organised; when the backlog comes back to bite that is when I get especially unhappy, though it does feel like a "it's my fault, but I almost couldn't help it I'm so busy" sort of thing.

We'll see. Hopefully I can come to get better at managing work, and being happy there, soon.

Have a good one.

Neko no Ongaeshi

Fri, 13 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000

The second week in which I have watched for the Friday a film, and an odd feeling: it is less emotionally evocative than last week. Yet, still incredibly cute as a movie. In a way, I would love to be a cat.

It seems to be a common theme, or idea, for movies that there is a separate world just for cats. They hold some captivating presence; perhaps that they seem to go off and disappear, and reappear only to feed or to sleep occasionally. They are so independent, yet dependent in a way too...

I made a hot chocolate for myself as I watched it. I've been having hot chocolate quite a bit lately, and really been enjoying it. I use cocoa powder, the sort used for baking, with a couple teaspoons of sugar to make it palatable, and either soya or oat milk depending on what I have. Really, I understand that for all the joy that it fills me with, chocolate is produced in a rather explotative way; I really should let this pass, and not do it... at least not too much. I guess as for myself, I can never really be too happy. I wish I could almost think less. Just to enjoy chocolate with that innocent, childish, girly enjoyment. Instead, I am always thinking about depressing matters. It seems I really can't come to be content with the materials that are cute in that way; anything soft and fluffy fills me with a pain that I am a part of the problem by partaking in it.

What do I feel this time? There is a KitKat bar in the cupboard, and I really wanted to have it... of course, it is neither vegan nor is it moral to eat chocolate in that way. It's double evil; triple by way of the packaging, quadruple for the damage to my health. And yet I took it up to my room to eye it up, to consider the pleasure I would get from eating it... That was a thought occurring as I watched the film. It's a bad thing for me to do, and I know, though I would enjoy the chocolate so very much, I would feel a pain for eating it; I would be a part of the problem, I feel like. It's all well and good to say that the damage is already done, and that it's a victimless crime, and that no one would ever find out (unless I confess it on a public platform... wait... I'd make a terrible criminal) but of course, I guess I couldn't manage it in the end. I'm going to go downstairs after this and return it to the cupboard, where it will not get eaten for months and months, if ever...

Ah. It's a Friday and I messed up at work again, or really, another one of my blunders is going to catch up with me next week. It's fine. I am gradually improving but there is a lot to do, and I just need to tolerate that there is a certain degree to which I am just doing it wrong. I need to keep on trying to improve, of course, but also not to beat myself up too much. These movie nights engender a tenderness I feel like; the film is so soft, so cute, so gentle, so kind, I almost can't help but be a little softer on myself for seeing it. In that way it has some kind of good effect.

Japanese is a lovely language. I can honestly understand it quite well in these films, to the extent that I wonder if I should just forego subtitles... then, that will mean I have to concentrate a little more when I watch them. Not sure if good or not. Probably good, but also somewhat unappealing when I just want to relax, and enjoy the film.

The book I ordered in Italian has arrived today: Il Nome della Rosa, by Umberto Eco. My mum said it's a very difficult book to read, and of course I am no good in Italian, but it will make for good practise nonetheless. Or just something to keep me amused. The days are going by quickly, and I've not long until I am to go to Italy. A month minus a day. It'll be fun, but I can't help but feel I'm putting too much pressure on myself to be fluent in a language I have not looked at at all until a fortnight ago.

Tomorrow I'm going to spend the day by the sea, sketching. It'll be fun, even if what I draw is disappointing. It'll be a chance to relax. I'll take the bike with me, too. I could have lunch somewhere, or whatever it might be. It'll be good, though. I wonder how much I will enjoy it. It will be rather understimulating, which in a way is nice, and in another could feel quite cold. I guess there is a certain pleasure in that, too.

But as for cats, would it be nice? In a way. The human condition is quite cruel; life is perpetually horrid in a way that is pernicious. Almost, it seems like, one either suffers a genuine trouble, such as poverty, or bereavement, or one suffers from the torture of the mind. I am in a good position; I have everything perfect, more or less; still, I am harassed by my mind, that tells me that I am bad at my work, and do not do enough, and that everything that I do is immoral, wrong in some or another way, that everything I do is riddled with failure, is not worth presenting to the world, is not good, is not worthy of pride. Yet I feel such hubris! Almost, it seems like everything is in a state of disarray, and that everything I do is wrong. I am paralysed by the judgement of my own mind. I am socially awkward, but largely am troubled not by others, but by the thoughts of my mind, my overactive mind, that tells me I do such perpetual wrong. For instance, a corn I found in my cupboard had gone mouldy and is clearly not edible; I tell myself I am doing wrong by wasting money and food. Yet, I did not know it would go off that quickly! I almost cannot do any right, by my mind. If these movies - and they are gentle movies, children's movies almost - are any help to me, it is a certain gentility that they have. I need to be more gentle with myself. How many prescriptions have I stated, and I cannot even enumerate them? Again, critical, again.

I'm worked up a little now, against the effect of the film. It was really pleasant, though. I need to go shopping, so I'll leave it here. Perhaps the effect of writing at this point is negative; perhaps I write to work myself up, to get enough to write about, and this requires me to energise myself, in a negative direction it always seems to be... There is so little I understand of myself, I wish I could only understand...

I'll go to the shops. Have a good one.

On various items

Thu, 12 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000

It's getting to mid-way through September, and the days are getting noticeably shorter. The temperature has dropped from about 21 to about 14 degrees C. It's a sudden drop, over the course of less than a week, and is very much noticeable. In a way, it feels very cold, but of course 14 degrees is not that cold in the grand scheme of things; then again, I do live in England where it does not get much past zero degrees in the dead of winter. That said, it's been a strange year; we didn't get the same kind of heat we should have early in the year, and it was incredibly wet, and so we got a lot of mozzies (mosquitoes).

I wonder how it will be this winter. I of course have the orange tree I'll need to think about bringing in soon, and the garden is going to come to an end soon for the year. Next year will be better, I'm telling myself. I am struggling to get a lot in these days now, especially considering how short the days are (I may just have to bite it and work in the dark, as I think I did last year a little). Fun. The allotment this year has not been impressive, but such is life; I'm not overly concerned. I've learnt some this year, and can put it to use next year.

All fun stuff!

So, preamble over, let's start.

Maintenance

I'll have an amount of maintenance to do over the coming weeks and months. I will need to try to prepare things for winter, e.g. the fuchsia that are still very small and weak (maybe just bring them in? I feel as though fuchsia are too delicate, and I can't really handle them that well) and various other bits and bobs. Sort the strawberries out before winter comes (though they don't care), etc. Generally just try to tidy it up and get everything sorted.

I've been neglecting bike maintenance again. The thing sounds in a pretty poor state, and frankly I feel as though I should actually just replace the whole drivetrain. It would be good for me to work out more to replace a chain, etc. and put it all back together. That said, if the bike is out of action for any amount of time I'm in a tricky spot about getting to places. I can use the other bike though, much as I don't really like it... I ought just sell it, if I am totally honest. I don't use it, nor do I exactly like it. It might be better if I worked farther from the office, but honest I think the problem is just that it is not a pleasant riding experience: the tiny wheels make it difficult to get enough power in. I worry about it in terms of potholes. Maybe I should just use it and get used to it?

(Amending) The schedule

I had, last night, intended to go to the gym to do legs (for once! I don't normally do legs but have figured that I ought place more focus on them and on core/obliques) but my mum made me dinner, so I didn't end up going, and just had dinner and sorted out the cherry tree. Today I'll go; I'll also go on Saturday (and hope my wrists have recovered by that point, if I'll be doing push exercises) and will, also on the Saturday, study and finish the RHS M4, write up a little cover letter to my tutor to inform him of my intention to not take the exam until Feb and if I can continue to study in that time, then go by the sea and draw/sketch a bit. I'll cycle up there so I can go about if I need to, and try find things to draw. I think I should try to do it every Saturday if I can, but plans always fall through and inevitably, I know that I am putting a lot on my plate and don't really have the time, or at least, that I struggle to do all of this. I'm still not really doing any guitar, even after writing that wv a few days... I'm finding that time is slipping away from me at a surprising rate, and likely it's just because I'm going to bed at a reasonable time (half nine) because it's so dark at that time).

That said, work feels a bit more manageable, though I am not sure on it still. I am getting to be a little less behind, and am getting better at scheduling I feel like; that said, I've a long way to go, and will need to try to work out systems a bit better.

Rambling, but returning on topic, I will at times, even due to factors outside of my control, need to amend my schedule, and suppose that is no terrible thing; I must do, I guess. (Is that all I have to write on it?)

Improvements I ought make this year

This year, I am realising I am behind on just about everything; I am allowing the allotment to get by with the bare minimum, but want to improve it next year; gym is getting sufficient progress but could be better; guitar is paling; drawing is still barely at the starting block. Of course, I speak of this kind of efficiency, but realise the previous mentality (which I fear I am slipping back into) is bad for the actual progression of these things (I need to not only be flexible in terms of time, but also in terms of actually not being lazy at all), but also is bad for my mental health; as such, I need to also schedule in time to be almost counter-productive, in terms of giving myself room to watch films if that pleases me, engage in media generally, as well as doing various leisure activities. I don't feel a focus on raw productivity helps me at all.

I also think I cannot be too specific about the shape it takes, only the form, if that makes sense; if I try for too much rigidity, I get bored of it and return to nothingness; if on the other hand I relieve all requirements I end up in the same place. I need to have form that the activities must resemble, but in their specifics and in the mindset behind it a freedom should reign.

Goals for next year

What are my goals for the next year? I see a lot of blog posts recently about setting specific goals and measuring for them; I think that would be good to do in a way, though potentially I have little way to measure exactly what progress I make. I could just count through each week and then sum it up, using the diary as my base. I wonder if writing each evening in the diary would act as a form of "reset" in that it allows each day to be ended (and, written off in a way) in the same way, allowing the next day to be not a continuation of that, but a new day in itself, so to speak.

My goals will be largely those which I am thinking of now: I want to:

Get the allotment in good nick, i.e. about three evenings a week work
Get the guitar to a good position, i.e. a half hour or so each night
Continue with the gym three days a week
Get drawing/sketching to a good standpoint, where I can at least do cards etc.
Swim if I can say once a week
Learn Italian

I think I may, if Italy is any good, go back next year, continuing to learn. I will have a European passport in a few years I hope, and so I would like to spend some time in Europe.

So much to do and think about! That's a pipe dream, though, Italy.

It will be difficult work, as there is a lot to do. The above list is not even everything; for instance, I want to continue to write wv, almost every day like I have been. I should set goals and see how many I accomplish. For instance, I could say that from Jan-25 I want to write 150 wvs. See if I manage that, or not; really, it's a matter of how busy I am and whether I have anything to write about or the inclination, so it's difficult in that way.

As a general trend, I want to spend more time doing leisure activities, being social with people I don't know, and being out of the house. As such, I should try to either make my activities the kind that don't have to be done at home, for instance writing wv can be done on the train (as I am doing now), or at the park, a cafe, etc. Studying can be done at a cafe - and I shouldn't limit myself to the one I always go in! Drawing and sketching can be done just about anywhere with enough skill and imagination. Guitar is an at-home thing. Opera is outdoors, watching a movie each Friday is an at-home thing. So it's not like I'm not spending any time at home, but spending less, and more elsewhere. I can even decide where I want to go at the time, and go there to do any activity I please. I can explore, in other words, and reduce a certain monotony in my life that comes from being in the same place all the time.

As for work, I currently work at home in my room, but do need to find a good solution to that, where I can make/receive calls, as well as getting done what I need.

That kind of thing. I'm going to try to make the changes this year, and then carry them through next year as well.

The train is almost arrived and I want to stop and think a bit, so I'll call it here - have a good one.

On scheduling, and inheritance of failure

Sun, 21 Apr 2024 00:00:00 +0000

I am now, this year, attempting to do quite a lot in terms of work. I of course have my job which is a typical nine-to-five plus an hour-and-a-half commute either side. On Mondays and Fridays I work from home which avoids the commute. I am trying to juggle several things at the moment and, in my inexperience at attempting to do so much (my life up until this point has been one with little in the way of accomplishments), I am struggling with various issues.

For what it's worth, let me go over what I am trying to accomplish this year.

Firstly is the removal of bad habits. I would like to sleep consistently, eat well, and generally avoid all other "bad" behaviours that I normally engage in.

Additionally, I have many jobs to do. I am studying LM1 (and will study LM2 once this is complete) for work. I am also studying my RHS course. I am working continually on the allotment and gardening more generally, and desire to have a good display and harvest this year. I wish to read more: I read currently one book of Plato per month, in addition to my usual reading which I want to further. I also want to dedicate time to complete projects, ideally work on code a little (I code very little nowadays), and am trying to go to the gym several times a week. This is altogether making it very difficult for me to find time, and I am finding that it is going to be important for me to schedule.

The problem is: I mess up.

The whole thing is new to me. Take for instance, good sleep. The idea is that I can consistently go to bed at between nine and ten, and then can wake up at a consistent time also (I am slowly moving to waking up at five in the morning). Yet: I don't really manage it, not always anyways. Often it's my own fault, but also sometimes I just don't get to sleep because my body does not want me to for some reason, and it almost ruins the system.

Of course, I end up recovering, but it then means I may lose out. For instance, if I wake up exceedingly tired, and then I end up napping during the day, or so tired in the morning I struggle to go to the gym altogether. I'm wondering: what do I do if real life conflicts with the schedule?

Say I want to go to the gym three times a week. If something happens and I don't go, I end up just going for two days in the week. I wonder whether I should then try to pick up and do four the next week, or whether to continue to just do three.

The argument for four is that, firstly, I'll be doing the same amount at the end of the fortnight, and so I'm doing what I need to do. I'm not doing less work, and in retrospect, I can look back and say, I averaged three per week. That will give me a long term satisfaction, I imagine. On the other hand, I perhaps ought not to carry mistakes or sins from my past into the present. I ought say, I will do three in a week, as that is what I have told myself to do. In a way, this is separating myself from my past, and meaning I do not have to carry over blame for a mistake I made last week. Yet of course, I then make less progress over time.

I'm not sure which is best. I have decided that I will always have a rest day after each day at the gym, which I'm not sure is a good idea ultimately. It means that I am struggling to fit three in as I have a schedule of gym-rest-gym-rest, and if I miss one day I have to adapt the entire future schedule. If I had other things planned, then I lose that due to my mistake of the past.

I think perhaps it would be best to work with the idea: exceed expectations in the present. However, I will not carry over sins of the past. Any mistakes I made will not have to haunt me still. Yet in each present moment, I must exceed my expectations, so that overall, I do not end up discontent with my progress.

The ultimate idea is the idea of an act. I need to value the act. The act is a thing which can only occur in the immediate moment. If I act poorly in the immediate moment, then I suffer in the future. And so, I must act in the present to try get a good future. Perhaps the problem with carrying over sins is that it just acts to the detriment of the present moment. If it doesn't spur me to action, then it just makes me feel bad. This then detriments the act of the present moment: I feel poor, so I don't act well.

The idea of an act, the present moment is a hard one to grasp. Fundamentally, little else matters I guess except for the present moment, the present act. Schedules help, I guess. Yet, at the end of the day, even if I don't manage to complete everything I want, as long as I continually progress I do make progress. Even if I do mess up, say, and do not sleep well one night, it is like the muscle pain after the gym. If one of my goals is to maintain good sleep, and I do this almost every day, then I am building up a new habit. And yet, if I wake up one of these days earlier than expected and I'm very tired, or I don't manage to sleep because my body doesn't want it, or even if it's entirely my fault and I just slept too late... It's growing pains. For instance, when you first transplant a plant (god, I do too much gardening at the moment) it initially quite often looks like it's about to die. But then it picks up strength later. Likewise, in trying to build good sleep, or good habit generally, there will of course be days where I don't manage it, or where the schedule or the habit slips up. Yet, if I resume the next day, the next present moment, the next act... that is where things will begin to come along.

I haven't written one of these in a while. I guess I only write when I have ideas. Not a terrible thing.

Have a good one.

September Rambles

Sun, 01 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000

It's now September, the first day of the ninth month. It is of course no difference to any other month's beginning, yet this one seems to have some significance, or really it is one of those months that you notice has newly begun, where often time catches you at such a pace that the new month begins and you hardly notice. This month, at least for me, hasn't been such, which is good I guess. I notice that it's been five months now since I began the gym, and I am seeing gains (if few), and generally I do think I'm in a bit of a better position. That said, I'm still not doing great at work - recently, I got told off by my boss for missing something I should have been doing quarterly, but ended up not doing consistently... the work is quite busy and it feels like there is anyways something else that needs to be done. Anyways.

I've changed, from late last month, the way that I track things. I was doing it per week, but now I am going to track for each month, ticking the days I've done something, and trying to aim for a certain amount of days each month. For instance, I only managed to do guitar seven times... so this month, I'm going to try it for fifteen times in the month, which should be easy, but of course I find I lose the time sometimes. I think in a way, this kind of tracking might be more effective, but really I'm just shopping about for effective methods, and will probably find it doesn't work amazingly. I am not sure whether there is a perfect method that will allow me to do what I need most effectively and keep me in the good way, or if it really a matter of finding a way and just sticking to it... as in, am I the problem?

Plays or Opera or something

I would like to try see something live, as in, see some plays, or theatre, or opera, or even just movies. I don't really see any of that kind of stuff, and would probably benefit from it. Or, listen to clasical music live, or something like that. I might try to go to a couple of these next year. Maybe I could plan say ten or so of them, spread out throughout the year (as well as holidays etc) and that will give me an ability to do it... Really, in a way, I sort of need to force me hand into doing it, otherwise I probably won't get around to it.

I'll look at the Royal Opera House and see if there is anything good on next year. Well, I don't know anything about opera, so I guess just try anything.

Eugene Onegin is on, which is a love story... probably will be soppy, and they only have it on during the week, so I will be going to it after work if I do it. But maybe try it this month if I can get good tickets?

Website scripts

I'm working on the scripts for the website. Jezup, which is the script that sorts out wv and turns it into a functional HTML page, now works (save for certain things that are less urgent, like turning asterisks into italics), and so what is left to do before I can actually get it up on the website, is to do what I am calling dexter (not sure where I got the name from) which is used for making index files, so that the pages can actually be accessed. I'm going to combine all the entries for the blog, wv, and any poetry or writing I do (currently, not very much of either) all be shown on the same page. That will do, I hope, and then I'll have separate pages for each as well.

What to do with money, and time

I've to think what time and money are worth. Money is strange, as many things that are perfectly ordinary are expensive, for instance, food (I spend £30 on food and drinks at the cafe I like to study at, and more if my parents come) yet other things are incredibly cheap. Oddly, it seems that a lot of commodity items are very cheap, and some things can be bought for almost nothing, yet on the other hand, certain other things are horribly expensive. I think, at least for things that are experiential, I need to value money less. As in, even if this holiday to Italy costs me a good thousand and something (EUR1000 in food etc., let's say EUR500 in accomodation, EUR200 in flights, so nearly 2k in total I guess it will be) it will be a good experience. In terms of going to the theatre, it seems that cheap tickets start at £13 but go up to £250. I could spend a decent bit, say £50, and then if I want to recoup the money I can just... save it elsewhere. That would be good. And it'll do me good to try to experience things.

Well, I think that's about all I've got to say. I'll look into the opera, or similar things, to see if they're any good. I also need to book off holiday next week, and hopefully can get the holiday sorted pretty soon. It will be with Ryanair, and via Stansted, I think. That seems the cheapest, and best to do. Then I've got a little while to plan and sort it all out, and of course to actually progress with learning my Italian. I've done very little today in terms of Italian, but of course will try to do a little bit each day (or, a few hours if I can) and learn the grammar and see how far I can get. The main problem will be vocabulary, I think. I will try to read a bit and get that more proficient and see if the speaking comes with it.

Cool. That's that. I'll look tomorrow at both Opera tickets to that show, and will book off the holiday. Then, I'll see if I can book things for next year too.

Ok, have a good one.

Effortless, effortful media

Sun, 08 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000

I notice that a lot of my output is rather effortless, by which I mean, it does require energy, but not effort. For instance, I am writing this entry, which is a fairly simple thing to do. If I wanted to add a photo, for instance, I would have to grab the camera, take a nice photo, transfer it over to the laptop, process it for the website, and then I can add in the image tag (which will need something adding to jezup to handle, as well). In this way, it really is quite difficult to, but of course, if it is what I want to do, I will need to put some modicum of effort into building the systems that allow me to do it as effortlessly as possible. Even still, there will be a degree of difficulty, and a certain reluctance to do it, in that it will feel like it strips from the almost free form, "stream-of-consciousness" style of writing that the wv has. I don't know if that is good or not, but in a way, I can then say that the improvement to the actual output is benefitted by that amount.

Generally also, I do not put the degree of effort into many things. For instance, I am not shaving at the moment. I haven't shaved for a while, and my facial hair is pretty unkempt. I can't grow a full, proper beard, so it just looks a bit... straggly. I am acting effortlessly, not effortfully.

Even today, I have actually not really done much today. I went out in the garden and was aware that there is a decent bit of work I need to do: for instance, I will need to sort out the berries, pot up the currant, cherry and orange trees, etc. I've a lot to do, even this month, and yet I did not end up getting around to doing it. It's not one, and I've still not done it; instead, I'm in bed, wasting my day away again, and just writing, and watching Visa (first time I've actually ever seen his Youtube videos).

I am also aware that a good part of it is just tiredness, because I barely slept last night. But then, I am currently doing something bad, as opposed to actually pursuing good actions, as in, doing the work! Because if I want things to go well in terms of what happens in the future, I need to act today, now. The whole thing appears to be a sympathy thing for my future self, and to act in a way in the present that benefits my future self, so as to make my life as pleasant and manageable as possible. I think I am doing that somewhat, but in a very slow and overly deliberative way. I think there needs to be a degree of stopping deliberation, and just acting.

I wonder whether a degree of psychological study would benefit me in trying to understand my mind. Then again, I am not sure they exactly help, and I almost thing that the abstractions used in psychology are in a way quite crude and rudimentary, and not exact descriptions, or clear parallels to the things that occur in the mind. For instance, considering the list of pathologies, I feel as if the idea of the pathology is itself wrong, where a pathology is really a correct nature but taken in a correct way or for an incorrect context; for instance, schizophrenia as the bicameral mind, etc. I do not think that the human mind matches in that way to the abstractions of psychology so do not think it will benefit; likewise, I don't believe the abstractions of economics or business to match the world, if that makes sense, and helps to draw the parallel into something that is more widely perceived.

So, I think I understand what I should do today. Of course, work is lengthy and time is limited.

As mentioned, I don't believe that the focus on productivity is helpful for me, and I am going to try and amend my mindset so that I can both be productive, whilst at the same time allowing a downtime, and specifically allowing myself not to be beaten up (by myself) for my own failings. In other words, I am going to try to keep up with what I need whilst also maintaining a non-hustle mindset, and trying to do all I can within the means, and not being too strict. The main thing is that I am not to focus specifically on the outcome so much as the process, I suppose, or, well, I was not focussing on the outcome, but I was in a way focussing on the pre-outcome, as in, the outcome of going to the gym thrice weekly, but not the result of that (i.e. muscles). I don't have the words for it, though. I was focussing essentially on getting a healthy streak of doing the guitar as much as I wanted, and only doing guitar so as to meet this goal (as an relative goal, with the terminal goal being improvement in guitar) and so was getting depressed when this didn't happen. I need to direct my focus on the actual here and now, which will then result in the goals being met (potentially) in the same way that the terminal goal is met through the relative goal.

That might be good. I need to just, in the present, take actions that make me feel good in the actual sense (the melatonic sense, not the dopaminergic sense, I think is what it gets called) and the achievement of goals, and the subsequent benefit will then be met gradually. I think that makes sense?

Ok, I'll get to work. Have a good one.

Sleepless night

Sat, 07 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000

Being totally honest, I never really know whether this would could as the 7th, since it is really a continuation of that day, or the 8th, because...

I'm still awake at half four in the morning.

Bad, isn't it?

And honestly, I'm not really trying to sleep. I think the six hour nap during the day did something bad. And now I can't sleep - tomorrow, I'll really just have to sleep for a half hour (with alarm) during the day to tide myself over, and otherwise just try survive it as best as I can.

I messed up at work

Last week. I should probably not neglect that I am at fault in this; I don't even remember if I have actually written about it in wv already. Let's grep...

I can't see it, so let's write.

There was a duty that I had to do quarterly. I did not end up doing it... it turns out, I began to do it back in February, and then did not finish it. I did it fully in May, but there were many issues with it that I did not query. I think I did it in June, and the problem was that we were audited for it. Now, as it turns out, the problems weren't so bad and we still passed the audit, but there was a lot of panic as I did not realise that many of the problems we had were actually duplicate, and so we thought for a while that it was bad enough we would just fail... When I was asked about how I didn't see them last time I did it, and when I did, I said I checked it Feb, which wasn't a lie but just my bad memory. Either way, there is a fault, a big one, my end, that I did not do it properly in good time.

Whilst my poor mood for the past mood is not exclusively due to that, I think that it is at least a good part of it. So, what I need to do, and I have been thinking without clarity on it, is I need to have a way to better manage my time and tasks at work to not have things that are lost. As in, for things like this that have to happen in this kind of regular time (say, each quarter, or each month) I need to actually... do them, and ensure they get done. That will involve a degree of task management, where I need to tell people, look, I've got X to do and so will not be able to do this for a few days. I think that is really the solution, and... I'm going to try do it for the next while. I did have a while earlier this year where I felt I was very productive, yet now I am feeling less productive, and more overwhelmed by all what is going on... I think the major thing is trying to find a way to manage my jobs, that I can get things done as needed, and continue with managing my e-mails, my tasks, etc. through whatever means.

It's unclear, I'm just getting it off my chest. I messed up. This isn't the first time I've been told off by my boss at this job. He is somewhat harsh, but good-natured in a way; I am at fault and I can see where he is coming from, he only expresses it in a harsh way. I suppose I do, even though it affects me more, prefer it than the kind of false-gentleness that is adopted by some others.

Youtube

This is turning into a I can't make up the words so I'll write about fifty different topics. Sigh...

I really wonder if YT is a bad habit or not, or if there are actually things I can get from it.

(Of course, at the moment, I'm just listening to Pretty Girls Make Graves on... I am addicted to the Smiths, aren't I?)

I think it is a bad habit, but then again, it is likely not the end of the world. I do of course want to re-prioritise, and instead of focussing so much on YT, add to my life other better things, like more opportunities (or taking those that present themselves) to read, or do whatever else.

On wanting a motorbike

I want a motorbike. There are several things that stop me from getting one: the price is a big ask, firstly, but also the idea of the noise pollution, contribution to traffic, and contribution to air pollution all draw me away from the idea.

That said, it seems as though air pollution in terms of CO2e's is actually not that bad; a bike is between 15 - 50 and potentially higher depending on diet, health, etc., whereas a decent scooter will be around 50 - 75 CO2e per km. In this way, it seems like the major problem is the contribution to traffic and the air pollution. If I only use it for more rural journeys, maybe it's ok? And as for urban journeys, I find another way.

And getting several hundred km from a single tank makes me feel slightly less bad that I would be doing something heinous; I can always pay double to offset my carbon, e.g. donating to solar farms, like I did when I bought the flight this time. I think the carbon offsetting if it goes towards solar farms etc. would actually go some way to properly offsetting the emissions.

But of course, it doesn't really answer the problem of noise or air pollution within a city. And the pollution is caused by the other molecules, not just CO2. Hmm.

Then again, if I want to say, go on holidays in the UK, a motorbike would really help me: the infrastructure in this country is just so inadequate. Oh, I don't know. More thinking? I could think about things for years and never do them.

Half five now... Have a good one. I'll shut my eyes and see if sleep arrives.

On watching Youtube

Fri, 11 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000

(My hands are a little cold today - the temperature has dropped down to 13 degrees, yet it actually feels a little colder. In fact, there is frost on the grass, so I think it probably went down a lot colder overnight.)

I do not use social media, however do still naturally have vices. In terms of content consumption, a big one still is Youtube. I sort of have it in my mind as something that I still benefit from, but I wonder to what extent that is fully true.

Now, certainly, I think that audiovisual media has a place. It has benefits above and beyond just mere words. In fact, I have in my /thousands podcast, which was something I initially wanted to do to allow myself to to progress in terms of clarifying my thoughts, and getting them out in a clear way, and with the impromptuness of normal conversation: with writing, there is a chance to pause and get thoughts together, but speaking in that form forces words out in a limited period of time. Perhaps there are a few seconds which a pause can fill, but really no longer than that. That is about creation, though. In terms of consumption, a lot of what I consume is heavily scripted, and so does not have this same benefit. In fact, it is there as educational content, and potentially to do so in a way which has political ramifications, etc.

Yet, what I really wonder is whether it actually matters, what I watch on Youtube. As a comparandum: on the train yesterday I saw a woman using Instagram. There was a lot of short content, and for instance I remember a man interviewing people on the street asking what the name is, and showing a (I believe it was) coin and a hat. People were guessing 'Pennyhat' or 'Moneyhat' or things like that and he was saying 'wrong!'. I assume that that was supposed to be in some way a surprising matter, and engender some kind of emotion response. She continued to watch it, though for other pieces of content she would skip it almost right away, or watch around half and then skip. Of course, such scrolling I don't really understand (I don't do it), and I think the idea is that it has That Funny Feeling which Bo Burnham describes. Catatonia. When I watch Youtube, I feel as if I learn, yet similarly to when I listen to music... it is not in sheer appreciation or to genuinely learn, it is really as background. It's a fear of silence. A fear of nothing. It's a real fear of nothing at all. The same lack that compels that woman to scroll compels me to listen to The Smith's as I write this, or to have some (ostensibly educational) Youtube video on in the background as I write this.

In terms of That Funny Feeling, really it is a description of the human experience today, that is so odd in very many places, and contented with a malaise, alert with a pyrrhic ataraxia, barely awake with vigour, acting without action, taking without receiving.

(I think I forgot to finish this; I won't bother now. Have a good one.)

Bou to shita

Fri, 27 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000

I'm meant to be working today, but both today and yesterday I've really not done a whole lot. I guess I am in a way fine being unproductive; or rather, I've not the motivation. Yesterday was the lethargy of alcohol; is today the greyness of the skies?

Bou to shita - I am listening to Yorushika at the moment. I thought back to the sheer beauty of Tousaku when I first heard it. Amazing. I really must dig through my notes and find what I wrote on my first listen; I know the words I wrote were underwhelming. Yet, several years back that must have been. Am I in a better place? Change is so gradual I can hardly tell. I think I still have my difficulties.

I am eating rather flavourless carrots from a bag of wonky carrots I bought at Aldis the other day. Why are shop-bought carrots always so foul?

Anyways. I've almost got the website in shape, by deciding not to finish the dexter script I was planning on generating the index files with, but rather just using the shell commands that already generate the HTML, and using that sed trick to substitute in the content (table) into the HTMLs of the respective index files, and having that be that. It will be a lot easier, and mean I won't have the guilt of having written more than the 65 wvs I already have without actually having them published. Generally, then, all the content I write will actually be published. Of course, still no RSS feed, which isn't great. There is a lot of work that is going into the website, and it's surprisingly messy, especially because I keep on changing what I want. But I think this re-write lays the foundations for more work to be, and to be able to be done.

I'm seeing a friend tonight (virtually) which will be fun. I've been really bad at keeping up with friends (and I haven't many) because... well, I'd like to say I'm busy. Really, I am prioritising the writing, and all what I want to do, over seeing my friends, which is probably not good.

I am going to begin actually writing on the blog a little, to give weeknotes, to tell what I have done. I suppose also this will act as an incentive to actually do varied, interesting, things. Next week we've the opera, for instance: it will be good to try see what it is like. Eugene Onegin, we are seeing, at the Royal Opera House.

It's getting colder, and much wetter. It's rained a lot the past few days. The sky is eternally grey, it seems like. I've only one sonnet and want to have two. I've no prose, and am only beginning the blog again.

I won't find the time tonight, but I think over the weekend I will. Really, I think over the weekend I have ideas of what I want to do. Firstly, I need to write - need in the sense that the body desires it - I want to write a sonnet. On what I don't know, I have ideas. If I am skilled to write without the prompt as I had last time, I don't imagine. I just want to write. I want to have something, as terrible and weak as it may be, from my own hands, well and truly. I still won't be happy; I'll desire a third then. I'll desire a better one.

See, I try to make myself draw, or play guitar, but maybe those are simply not for me? Maybe I am drawn more to writing. I certainly enjoy it more, but I also write unstructured, terribly; I am not a master of words, nor even a man of words. I just can write, distinguishing me from no one. Then, it is recognition that I in secret crave?

Of course, the typical advice is to write for oneself, or with any thing really, and not to crave attention, but in a way it is human to want some recognition, isn't it? At the same time, I don't particularly go after it at all. And rather, I think I want, more than to actually show to other people and get their recognition, to have something I, in the potential mood, could show to others. I don't actually want to show it, nor am I against showing it; I want the ability to feel pride over what I have created. So for instance I never really tell anyone in real life I have a website (or if I do, I never direct them to it) - possibly out of shame, but also because I care more about the fact I have a body of work, than the body of work itself, or recognition of the body of work. I suppose. I am really not sure. I guess I am saying, I think I just want to feel proud of my accomplishments for once. Will there come a point at which I can say I am proud of myself?

Somewhere in my notes I had written at some point a note to my fifty-year old future self, I remember. I wonder if I will still remember after the twenty-seven years have passed. Or if I will be able to find it, especially.

A bit later...

I have now got the website up! It's not very good mind you, but at least the written entries, and the /wr and /wv index pages are generated. I can improve on these now incrementally and gradually, and at some point actually add RSS feeds. It shouldn't be too difficult, considering that I've done a lot of the work already.

I'll list out all of the things that I think are currently wrong with it in my personal notes, and try to work through them bit by bit. The important thing is that the site is now up, and I can work on it, whilst also actually publishing not just locally but on the server as well.

Have a good one.

On e-mail management, and maybe other things

Fri, 16 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000

It's a Friday, and my e-mails are getting a bit messy. The problem I find is that I have many different chains each of which interlace heavily, and so I struggle to figure out where I need to do something, where not, etc. How can I best manage e-mail?

I have to remember also that e-mails interface in a way with tasks, in that e-mails can be the parents of tasks, and I ideally would have little duplication. I will need to manage e-mails that are exclusively e-mails, and do not (or not majorly) turn into tasks of themselves. If they do, I suppose I need a way to link them, e.g. via an ID.

So how do I do this? Well, I just track the chain, I guess, but I really don't want to have to add more work in terms of tracking the e-mails, keeping the tracker up to date, etc.

That said, I want to at least not forget about e-mails. Perhaps do it on a regular basis, and schedule it in? For instance, I can schedule in to check and work out what e-mails need to be handled. I can also track tasks from that, I suppose.

I want to be able to track my tasks and emails without having another thing to manage. I also want it to be able to remain up to date, so that I don't need to constantly dedicate time to it.

For emails, I suppose I just need a record of things, and so I can dedicate say, a half hour every week to just updating this. It does take time, sadly, and is largely busywork. I want to not have that, but still get the benefit of keeping a track of tasks and mails and being able to know which need responding on, so that I do not end up going too long without sending chasers, etc. if I'm not getting responses.

What about the flagging system that Outlook has? I could do this, but of course that does not give the level of overview detail that I want, not does it inform me when I ought to do something. Of course, I could make use of the follow up date to then list out exactly what I have to do on each day, and then block in, say, half an hour each day (potentially more) to go through each and chase them, say after a week or so. Of course, to do this I would likely put a follow up flag on my e-mail that I send, if I'm waiting for someone else. Each day I just allot half an hour to doing chasers, etc. That way, nothing is dropped. I can give chasers each week.

I suppose that would work in terms of emails. Then, I need to still work out what is to be done regarding tasks. I need to include some way of scheduling, and prioritising, that does not rely solely on deadlines (which have their own negative effect, in that an overdue task becomes a burden and eventually forgettable by way of "oh, it's so far gone". A system of prioritisation is required, and one that also copes with distractions, etc. Perhaps, setting tasks to be done for a particular day if possible, and having this correspond to the priority number of the task (not merely a rating, but a specific index giving the exact order to do in)... I could of course neglect this a little, but it would be useful in that I could look at it each day to understand what I must do. There are also occasions I must do something tomorrow morning, so that could be accounted for as well. For instance, I could have a tag applicable to a task "nextmorn" that puts it at the top of the TODOs for review tomorrow morn.

So, let's go more concrete so I can see if I can put this together. The question is also whether I want to try this in Excel, or see if I can make it in C# or something (Windows Forms? how in the good Lord's name does one actually make a GUI program nowadays on Windows?) though I'm not sure I could actually get it onto the company laptop in that case, probably would be caught by some malware detector something or other.

I want a task manager that has something to the effect of:

IDs: for cross-referencing with any files in a folder I need to use
Deadlines: if applicable, but not to central to the idea.
Prioritisation: numerical, to give me what I should work on first.
"For yyyymmdd" tag: allowing me to mark something as to be checked in the morn, or another date potentially.
Cross-referencing with e-mails, to allow emails to spawn tasks (maybe a manual job as Outlook is god awful and non-extensible)
Recurrence: tasks that can be set to occur again and again for a given period.

I can tag items relating to a given task I want to track as a part of slots, and when completed, that can go under the slots automatically. For instance, if task 0816a is marked as "slot1", then slot1 can have logic to search for this and automatically pull it in. But that will require magic... or just something better than Excel.

Hmm... I'll have to think a little more about specifics of implementation, but I guess this is really what I want. So, what's the workflow? (or, user story or whatever nonsense it's called in the corporate world.)

I receive an email, saying: do X. I mark the email as a task in taskslist, and prioritise it to get it done.

I receive an email that needs following up on. I mark it in Outlook as an follow up, say, next week, then review this follow up section, say, every day.

I receive a task in person, write it up, then do it when I can.

etc etc.

It could work. I think really testing prioritisation would be best to see if that is good. The initial experiment, that I might not need anything apart from deadlines, has failed.

So, that's enough on that boring topic. I've noticed how incredibly easy it is now to write 1,000 words consistently. It started out as difficult, and now I often write far more than that. Of course, I am also far less brief, but it is good, overall, I suppose.

And I'm 24 in! Soon to be 25. That means I'm 2.5% in, overall. It is very slow progress, yet it is gradually getting there. @visakanv has been doing it for thirteen years at this point, and has hit 860 or so. I suppose for myself it will take as long, as well. I note that in the initial wvs of @visakanv, he was writing the 1k words in about 15 minutes each time. I'm a far slower writer and generally write these in closer to an hour, or sometimes over the course of several hours with breaks, interruptions, etc. Perhaps I should try to time it to be, say, 30 minutes, and then lower it down gradually to 25, 20, 15, etc. to improve my writing speed.

Ok. Have a good one.

On tasks, and various ramblings

Wed, 24 Jul 2024 00:00:00 +0000

It's Wednesday evening now, and I really do hope my sleep schedule will forgive me just this once for the terrible act I am presently committing (that of sacrificing sleep for the ability to write wv) but I just want to write. Oddly, I don't think I can manage a thousand words, nor do I really want to. I guess I will end up having to, forced by the format. The previous wv I suppose will function in a way as a break to the system, and allow some degree of flexibility to what is otherwise far too rigid... well, let's get started anyways.

Earlier today, I was reflecting on my tasks list for work. I have a spreadsheet called tasks.xlsx which I track tasks in: it's a new thing since April, because I'm trying to figure out the best way to manage tasks. It is fairly simple, containing an id (made up of a superid and subid, to be able to group tasks relating to the same overarching topic or a recurrent task, etc.) a description and just a deadline. No priority, etc. The aim with not including priority was that it should be unnecessary: if a task is urgent or high priority, the deadline should reflect that fact.

In reality, the tasks list has been fairly neglected, as I ended up with tasks that took far longer than the deadline allowed for, and it really made no sense to keep on extending the deadline for a task that was "when it's done, it's done" kind of thing. So, I don't think the present system will work. I also end up being assigned tasks that are to be completed immediately, or people call me over and ask for help on something, and all this makes me either have to go through and rejig all the deadlines, or just always be late on things, which knocks my self-esteem and probably looks bad to my manager if he could see.

As well, tracking how a task evolves (e.g. one thing leading to another) all just makes the thing difficult. So earlier today (back when it wasn't eleven at night and I had a guilty conscience about sleep), I was thinking about the typology of tasks.

Firstly, we have tasks that yield another in turn, like parents to children. In my notes, I represented these as a -> b -> c. For instance, you may have a task to reply to an e-mail, but then someone says "thanks, and can you do x as well?". The second task is borne of the first.

Tasks can be created also by division out of other tasks, which I represented as a {b, c}. A larger task (say, shut 31,453 windows) can be divided into two (firstly, shut one window, then secondly, shut the remaining 31,452 - sardonic example (just use a </sarcasm> tag, me)).

Another type of task that would often get neglected to be written (but I suppose would be noted for ego management (stick the word management on anything, it sounds professional and corporate) or for saying "look, this" to a manager who asks always what you've done that day) is what I've represented as immed(a). These are tasks that are immediately sorted, like 'can you just add this to that for me', or if someone calls you over for something quick. I mean, sometimes it's not quick, but I guess it still counts as immediate, because the task is never in an 'awaiting action' state. You're either doing it or it's done.

p ~> a, b is how I've denoted a task created from an overarching project. I think these can be handled separately due to the way one would typically want to display on this. It's not individual tasks that are done, not individual aspects of one thing, but individual aspects (potentially, of aspects of) an overarching project. Well, to give an example, at work at the moment, we are collating and uploading to a Cloud (how businessman make 'database' sound fancier) our datasets for all of our MGAs (insurance word for, companies who write business for us). So we've got many individual steps (compilation, mapping, validation, etc.) for each entity as a part of the overarching project. There are of course trackers for this already (see below, I guess) but also each part is a big enough job that I'd like to track it so I can list that I want to get x done say, on Friday or whatever as a proper task. Essentially, that is what this represents.

There is also ¬a (that is the symbol I wrote, thank high heaven I've an enGB keyboard) which is for tasks tracked elsewhere. I guess I still might want them on my tracker, but I need to update the other tracker for it, really, at least to either monitor progress, or just once it's done.

Well, that's what I wrote so far. The goal in trying to enumerate these was to try come up with a system that accounts for how tasks really evolve, and be able to manage them in this way. But really, I guess I need to also try to see how work really happens, as it is not linear at all, and in fact has many side-movements and distractions. It is a nice ideal to hold that I'll just focus on a task and not accept any others until the one is complete, but real life just isn't like that. For instance, I was going to complete a task Friday before I went on holiday. But then, an urgent task came up that took all my time from me. When I came back two weeks later, I had a number of small jobs I had to do that had appeared whilst I was off, and also had another task I had to do that I had promised to do as soon as I got back, and then another large task has come up for me in the meantime. So I've gone two and a half weeks not finishing this one task, with many others (largely small) in between in the three days I've worked since I've been back from holiday.

So, I don't think deadlines really work. At the same time, I really ought have at least some way to track what I've been doing, maybe to spur myself on to do better, maybe to ensure I don't forget anything (happened just today - my boss gave me a lesson that I should practise 'stakeholder management' (cf. above)) or generally just to get on top of things. I just don't want it to become a liability, or stray too far (ideally at all) from reality, so that it becomes functionally useless. I had to keep so many mental notes on top of the task list as to what I was actually focus on that I just gave up on it. I need a better version.

The system should also take into account recurrent tasks, e.g. 'do x for y each month', and the fact that there may not be hard deadlines around this, just a kind of 'do it on about the 20th of each month'. Also, that they may not be able to be completely immediately, but may actually generate tasks of themselves that need to be tracked. For instance, I may need to ask someone for something to complete this task, which itself needs to be tracked so I don't forget (as an aside, forget in Norwegian, glemme, ultimately comes from a word glaumr, which means 'merry noise' - to forget is joyous: å glemme er å glede seg) where it is. I guess I need a way to generate tasks easily from another. Can I do this in Excel? I guess I can add... macros. I also would really like to keep it simple, so if I can use a simple text document (as I do often to track things anyways) it would do me good.

It also needs to be able to interact with any goals I have, because unfortunately my place like many others does goals setting each year for performance review, KPIs, whatever nonsense they call it nowadays (as one can tell, I'm not a fan. But I put up with it. Ought I?). So I guess that's also a concern.

I also want it to interact in a way with my health and my circadian rhythm. I get up early most mornings (half five to six) and so end up with my afternoon slump between about one and two. I take my lunch at twelve on the dot normally. I tend to work through the slump, which isn't really great. What I actually want to do is nap, but I don't suppose my place would allow that. Businesses are normally a bit funny about sleep. They want to take and not give, and all that. Sleeping is deemed as non-productive, even if it helps you to be more productive once you get up... oh well, that's the norms of the world. A broken world, broken corporate world. (It's late at night, so I can get away with the disinhibition granted me by reckless non-sleep. I value sleep, says the man up at quarter to midnight writing... a blog entry, basically). Generally though, I guess I want to just have a tasks list that allows for me to pick off small fry in the afternoon when I'm not mentally competent, and save the bigger tasks for the morning, when I'm slightly mentally competent.

Ok, with all that said, I've no idea where to start. Maybe I just need to sit down and think about it more. Oh god, more thinking? It seems like the more I think, the more I need to think. Reminded of Pirsig's comments on hypotheses...

So I'm done with that topic. Let's ramble. (It's at 1600 words already - can I say I've actually done two wv's because of the length? Well, the last one I did was super short (and not going to be transcribed) so I guess swings and roundabouts.

What about. Oh, let's say, the website.

I'm still... hold on, let me check if I didn't write about this last time... oh I did. I was going to write about how I don't write enough on the website.

I guess I could write about my ego, and my social malaise. I found myself quite inhibited and shy, particularly around my boss, today. He can be a little difficult to get in the right way with, and I feel I don't have the confidence to be in that way, really back up by my lack of skills. I am trying to improve but it's slow.

Oh. In terms of self-esteem though, on Tuesday a man did compliment me on my shirt. My dad called it 'funky' as well. I didn't realise it was so unusual a shirt to wear! It is just a white shirt with little flowers repeated across it as the design. It's still somewhat professional, I think. A lot of the shirts I wear in my personal life are of that sort of 'Hawaiian' form.

In terms of clothing for the office, I'm still not quite sure what's appropriate. I think I've discovered that that shirt is ok. I have another shirt which does look more like a casual shirt you might take to a club or something (a sort of cream colour, not the right word but I'm tired, alright) and is short sleeve, which is what really gets me. I'm not sure if short sleeve is a step too far. I guess ultimately, the only way is to try it and judge the reaction. I guess I should pick a hotter day for that. But really, I guess I don't know why it feels so oppressive. It's just clothes; women get the freedom... how is it such a labour for me mentally to judge whether or not something is appropriate? I think in a way I've just been ground down.

I've got a form of social anxiety I think. It's getting better with each day, but I really do just have bad days. A lot of them. I'm gradually getting more confident, though. It'll come along. I don't really like labels though, or diagnoses, or anything like that. It doesn't help. I know what the problem is, whether I've got this or that or whatever other pathology. Then again, it's probably just shyness, not a pathology proper. But I'm using today's language too much. I'm too well educated, yet I'm still stupid.

Oh, I'll quit here. I might bring the laptop with me so I can try write more wv on the train if I am not too tired. I slept wonderfully on the train to work and managed a bit of a nap (even despite the people talking opposite me, in the quiet carriage no less!) on the way back. I dreamt on the way there. I don't remember what the dream was, except that it was lovely...

Ok. Night night. Have a good one.

Hundredth Wordvomit: A sort of retrospective

Mon, 28 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000

On a worthless day like the 28th October (couldn't it have been a more tidy date like 2025-01-01 or something?) I am now writing my hundredth wordvomit.

I want to do a little bit of a retrospective on this one, since it is the hundredth, after all, and marks 10% completion. Of course, in terms of actual words, it is 117k, so really it does not mark a specific count of words, but in terms of the entry number it is special, or significant in some way.

So, how has this been?

I have been thinking about the thousands a little bit recently anyways, and note that I have gotten to this state almost as if by necessity (since I have been writing these), and with a little bit of forcing for some entries, but still in a way that almost appears as if it happened by nothing. Once the entry is written, it almost disappears into the past, and then I end up with a number that is gradually increasing, and will eventually hit 100, then 200... But I do not feel as if any work I have done has actually contributed to that. In a way, I have just got to this state as if by magic. Of course, it is not particularly impressive either way: other people likely have this point when they realise a book is finished, or when they have written a hundred blog posts of good value, or something like that. I am not in that state: I have just rambled a hundred times, essentially. Yet, it was a historical, yesterday me that actually wrote all of the entries, and so I have in a way not done anything towards the actual goal.

It is strange to then be in this state. The same sort of applies for the rest of the thousands, but not to the degree of wv. I wonder why. I think because wv requires truly almost no effort: there is as said a tiny bit of forcing it occasionally, but mostly it arrives naturally. I want things to just arrive naturally like this. Of course, I did put the work in I suppose, but it doesn't feel that way. I've gotten an expected outcome for the actions I've performed, without having to stress about it.

I still don't know what wv is. I've written a tenth of the total entries, and I still have plenty of time left. I think a lot of Visa's were about advice or that kind of thing as is his style, which he already had by that point. For me, I have not really settled on a form, or a thing to write, or a particular topic at all. I essentially don't know at all. I think though, wv can function as a kind of scratchpad for me. I think also, that it in a way forces words out of me, and I am not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing.

I have also been writing more in the other sections (blog, poetry) and have not written any prose. For wv, I think I would like it in future to be more structured in a way, or to be a place where I can essentially draft ideas that I can later fashion into something a bit better, like either a blog post (if short form) or longer form writing.

There is a long way forward in terms of this.

On moral actions, immoral actions, and experiencing life

Fri, 16 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000

I'm going to quickly eat some bread pudding, then will time myself to writing a thousand words, and try to do it in less than a half hour. I want to write about moral imperatives, motorcycles and petrol, plastic, and just darn experiencing life.

Ok, the bread pudding is eaten. I've got a timer going so I can see how quickly it takes me write 1000 words - I believe it always takes me around an hour, but it might take less time since I'm arguably sort of speedrunning it this time. I hope I don't give myself hand pain.

So, morals. The reason why I want to write about this is, I had a conversation with the neighbour of a family member who rides motorbikes. I mentioned I did sort of want to get my CBT and start riding a bike, and I really do like motorbikes if I'm honest. I want to ride one. There is a slight lack of confidence surrounding them, that I worry I will not be a good rider (like I'm bad at riding a pushbike) or that it will be annoying to be stuck in traffic all the time (though, on a pushbike if on the pavement you have to deal with waiting sometimes 2+ minutes to actually be able to cross, UK car-first infrastructure and all that). But, there is another reason, which is that I don't want to be supporting environmental degradation by buying a lot of petrol, requiring the horrific damage done to the planet by the various petrol companies, and meaning I have to support Shell or Texaco financially, etc. I really don't like that idea.

It is a similar reason why I don't like to ride on planes. I used to, as a child, when I was taken by my parents on holiday, go on the plane to various places in Europe: France or Greece or Germany or wherever. But as an adult I have never flown. The reason is, I do not want to be supporting the harm to the environment caused by aviation. Riding a bike has a very good track record for the planet; trains are not amazing, as there is still damage done in terms of the 60% of our electricity that is non-renewable, but cars and planes are particularly damaging. Do I want to support that?

Now, I can I suppose justify it by saying that the most environmentally damaging thing I do, and very often, is ride the train. It requires a huge amount of fossil fuels, and I pay to support that. Then, I act all high and mighty that I don't drive, or fly, even though I do still do damage with my modes of transport. Even the bus, which I think of as a good means of travel, is actually quite harmful, and I think only undercuts a car in terms of emissions per person if there are at least seven people on the bus (not always guaranteed).

(7:41 in)

So, perhaps it's not so bad. The fossils are still being burnt, even if I don't have to directly go to the pump to do them. Same with a flight - the train is far less harmful than a flight it's true, ... actually I can't justify flights, I don't think.

The problem is: this is all caused by my overthinking. I want to be good in terms of my environmental cost, even knowing that others aren't. Christ, we had a work do the other day, and listening to the CEO I heard constantly "I got this flight to here, yesterday flew from here to there then there to yonder, and back today, then I leave for there again tomorrow" and think, really my let's say two flights a year are paltry in comparison to something like this. Then again, those people are few and far between, whereas middle-class cityites like myself are ten a penny (with inflation, ten a pound). So really, I should potentially just stop worrying about it and just enjoy life, no?

It also is difficult when having conversations with people who have gone all over - clearly, they do not have the moral reservations I do, which is good - and I feel a bit strange to say I've only really travelled around Britain a bit. Now, I do want to prefer travelling around Britain, as it is a nice place, but I really ought go to foreign countries as well, or at least not be as shy about taking flights. I don't know why flights are so cheap compared to rail - I assume it is government subsidised, or that money is made from other enterprises (e.g. deals with card providers), yet nonetheless it doesn't mean I should avoid it. As such, I think for a little while I might try to change my habits to become more open to flights, and means of travel on the road. A motorbike is far more environmental than a car, anyways, at least a moped is.

So, that is all really. I have more or less worked something out in my head, it now being 14:44 in. I've written a good 800 or so words, which isn't bad. I could probably schedule a 30 minute block in to write, and try to get it sorted in a half hour. I recall Protesilaos mentioning a term for how he works, where he prefers to get something done in one sitting, as opposed to nursing it over many different sittings. That would be good for me too I suppose. I am surprised how quickly I was able to write this.

So, I'll still try to act well, and avoid plastic if I can (plastic-luwe, I need to remember, not plastic-vrei or however the Dutch spell "free"), and will not go on many flights. I just need to not have it ruled out as something I cannot do owing to its moral weakness. Yes, it's not good. But, anything I do in life is not good - living in the city, in the first world, is itself almost immoral, as I benefit off of the labour and struggles and slavery of others. Of course I shouldn't lean into it, and I try not to, but I can't beat myself up too much for the circumstance. Maybe I can move later in life, once I'm more financially stable, to a better place where I'm not causing as much harm just by living. I'm not sure where that would be though. Somewhere in Europe, probably. In the meantime, I think it wouldn't hurt me to get my CBT - in fact, it would probably help my character to learn something like that. Cool, all done then.

Have a good one. 19:13 all in all. Some 1100 words.

Pre-work worries, that maladious feeling in my chest

Mon, 02 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000

Writing what I almost certainly shouldn't, or what will cause some amount of employment issues or something I don't know, but I really do not care. It's about the feeling and less about the work.

As an aside, I like the play on maladious and melodious. The latter is the better state, like music, flowing, free, light, where the former - just a single sound in difference - signifies pain, distress, sickness. It is a harsh word merely by the sound, yet change the one sound, and it is music pure...

I don't enjoy my job. I haven't done for awhile, well, really since I started it. I told myself when I started, seeing certain things that set me off, that I would leave at Christmas if it didn't improve. That was 2022. It got to Christmas, nothing had improved save for my mood a little, and I am still here coming to the end of 2024. I've just not managed to leave.

I could give certain things I dislike about the place I'm at. For instance, at one point I was e-mailing somebody to get approval for something. It turns out the person was no longer responsible or able to approve it, so what would you expect him to do? I would say he could just shoot me a message, hey, look, I don't do this anymore, ask someone else. Instead, he ignored my e-mail three times, then forwarded it to my manager's manager saying that I was hassling him, who passed it down to my manager who then had to issue an e-mail to the entire team that it shouldn't be done, not naming names was what he said. I think it could have been dealt with in a much simpler way.

Generally, that one instance helps show the overall disease affecting the corporation. It's very impersonal in a way. There are very rarely social events (unless they are organised for the whole company; our team rarely just goes out on lunches by ourselves); my boss is extremely busy, to the extent that I've seen him working at three in the morning on a Sunday, and other silly hours like that; these kinds of things. I really just don't like it here, and I don't feel like I thrive in this kind of an environment, almost sort of a bit hustle culture-y. The work is very ad hoc and random, and the processes are terrible; we're currently implementing a solution but it's taking years (it started soon after I joined, and it's still quite far from done)... just a lot of Excel and that sort of thing. A lot of manual work, and the data quality is pretty poor. I really am not enjoying it.

That said, whilst I can criticise the company all I like, I also just am not cut out for this kind of a job, and am in a sizeable way responsible for the pain I feel. I think I want something a bit like my previous job, that had the annoyance of people who talk too much (but, they still manage to get the work done, because workloads are manageable) and which had some degree of downtime, and is a bit more structured. For instance, I used to get a fair bit of downtime (a couple days) where I would still do some work but wouldn't have too much to do (provided all was well, which it typically was), at the end of each month after a month close. We do not have any month close process at all. It's not really like that. I think the lack of downtime is what might be giving me the stress and the worry. Now, about the actual feeling.

The feeling is one in my chest, in the middle of the ribcage as is where a decent amount of feelings reside. The heart, I suppose. It has an element of queasiness, and comes with a slight lethargy of the surrounding area. It appears impervious to movement. In a way, it slightly goes if I breathe slowly, but not entirely... It is a reluctance of a kind, a desire not to work, yet an understanding that I must. That sort of thing.

Really, I've been getting a bit down lately anyways, and I'm not sure what it is. I have been having worse sleep, and been being less disciplined about going to bed at half nine. When I get up in the morning as well, it is still dark, so I cannot really wake up fully in the way I want to. I wonder if that is what it is: September blues, caused by the desire at the time that it is getting colder to go on walks late at night (for the pleasantness of it), and the shortening days which are making me a tad more depressed, or at least not giving me the same kind of stimulation/cortisol rise early in the morning as desired. That could be it. I'm not overly sure, to be honest; it also seems like the lack of sleep is not what comes first, as I feel down to begin with, and as a result go for late night walks. Last year, I did this, but did not overly feel down, I don't think at least. That said, my mood more generally was poor last year, and I would have believed if I was down and just did not notice it as anything especially different.

Allotment

As an aside. Last night we went to the allotment and cut back quite a lot with a pair of shears. The plot is looking a lot nicer, and tidier now! The large weeds (I thought were dogbanes but on research that's something different, I'm not sure what they are) are now cut back, and the plot is a lot tidier. I will need to keep up the work, of course, but it's a very good start! I really do want to get the plot looking good again, and though it is a bit late to sow anything, I can get it in good shape for next year. Over the winter, less will grow and I can have a bit of time to get it in a decent shape (and cover the beds over as well).

Music

Talking of melodious, I've been listening to a lot of The Smiths, in particular Bigmouth Strikes Again. It's a beautiful song...

I wonder if I am listening to music so much in a way to alleviate the feeling I have that is suboptimal. As in, I listen to music now even on the way to and from work, where I used to just let myself sit with my thoughts. I still do sit with my thoughts on the train, and do still think even if I've music playing, but I wonder if I am trying to paper over some deficiency by listening to music so much. Oh, I don't know. I still don't even know if I get winter depressions; the only thing I do know is that bad sleep really ruins my mood. I guess it's partly due to bad sleep even today, though I slept well last night.

I've many years to figure it out, I guess. I imagine I'll hit forty and still not understand myself.

This one is probably a bad one; I feel as if I shouldn't talk about my job at all, or as if a prospective employer is going to read this and it will ruin my chances. I also in this post have focussed on faults with the employer and with the job, though as I mentioned I have a big part to play in my own dissatisfaction. When I do not get things done on time or have tasks hanging over my head I should have done I do always feel bad; the issue I suppose is that I quite often don't get the time to sort it out fully before more things come along. I just need to take things one bit at a time, and always make sure I finish something I start. Not doing that actually caused a lot of hassle and issue just recently, which is really a major reason for the bad mood as well. So, it's also my fault. I'm a bad person.

Anyways, I'll call it here. I really shouldn't talk about work and will try not to again. I wonder if I will someday get to a point in life where I feel content. Not just for a day or three, but for months, years at a time...

Have a good one.

A late night

Fri, 19 Jul 2024 00:00:00 +0000

It is two in the morning now. I've come back from the holiday, and jumped on to work to clear my emails. I had loads. They're all done now, or at least I can leave the rest until Monday, and now I've decided to hop onto my other computer to get some more not-quite-work done. Really, I'm just not in a mood for sleeping, and I want to do whatever I can that involves not being asleep.

I know it's not good for me. I don't exactly do it all the time. But really, I just do not want sleep tonight. I'll probably write this until I get so tired I really just can't resist sleep, then doze off.

In Christianity there is the notion of sin, and in other religions of similar things. It seems as though it's pretty clear when one is sinful. I'm in a sinful state right now. I ate doughnuts earlier, which are full of sugar, then I've stayed up like this... I feel terrible. Of course, I also don't want to stop. This seems to be what sin is. Something that makes life worse, and yet seems to have an allure to it of its own. To not sleep has a strange allure. It can appeal on the basis of getting more done, or of wanting to be social (night out on the town, etc) but really you always end up feeling bad for it. A good night's sleep is its own reward, so it's said, and really, despite the virtue of sleep, there is always a desire to sometimes, just sometimes, break it and see what happens. Inevitably, it's quite fun (the night normally is) but then the next day is horrid beyond belief. Even if the next day is tolerable, there is an element of regret that comes from knowing how much better it could be. And yet, it's impossible not to desire to stay awake on the odd occasion at least.

It feels boring. I'm not sure what life is all about, but surely it's not all low sugar intake and early bedtimes, right? yet weirdly, anytime I do have a lot of sugar, it does something for me without really being pleasurable. To borrow from Luka Luka Night Fever: taikutsu sou na kao gamen mitsukeru (staring bored at a screen).

A book I find really interesting (rambling, late nights) is The Monk, by Matthew Lewis. It details a monk on his passage from moral perfection to utter depravity. The scene that really gets me is at the end. He is detained for the crimes he has committed (by this point, rape and murder) and is unsure if he should make a pact with the Devil. If he does, the Devil promises to rescue him from the gaolers. He several times denies the Devil's advances, it being the one transgression he absolutely refuses to commit (his moral perception is a bit warped, clearly). As he hears his gaolers arrive, he has a fit of panic and signs the pact to be saved. Yet, he is informed then: the gaolers were coming to acquit him. The Devil carries him away, but rescinds on his offer. The monk is sent thrown down into a valley, with the crows to peck out his eyes... I don't know, it's of course overly poetic, but I feel that is really what is offered. I take the late night out of submission to an urge (not a fit of panic, but a discomfort of some kind) and the end result is I feel worse. Yet, the feeling after a good night's sleep is so... weak. It really doesn't captivate me at all, it's just a kind of baseline. It's not good, it's just neutral. It's avoiding pain, more than bringing pleasure. I suppose that is why it is so easy to want to give up on it. Who cares about normality?

I don't want to insinuate I have any degree of anhedonia, but I guess just nothing is that strong of a passion. Everything just ends up feeling... ok. Not good, or nice, or fun... just ok, alright, baseline. That is really the issue. Why worry about poor sleep at that point?

Even when in that horrid state of sleeplessness, the day is painful, really painful, yet never nothing really painful. Just kind of, unpleasant. Life is full of feelings that aren't strong enough to sate me.

I wonder if my lifestyle causes that. Or if my bar for enjoyment is too high. I don't do drugs, but I wonder if that would be enough if I did? Even alcohol is fun, but it doesn't repair the fundamental lack of strong experience in life. Perhaps life actually is this weak.

I'm really tired now. Honestly, I just want to sleep. I might just let it happen.

On change and crushes; schedules are no fun

Sun, 18 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000

On change

I think there is a kind of change of affect that happens when something is pursued repeatedly over a long period of time. Inevitably, hurdles are overcome by changing the way in which the activity is pursued, but in a way which keeps it essential essence. For instance, when I initially began logging in 2020, I kept a track of just about everything (receipts and finances, exact times I performed activities, etc). Later, most of that systematic logging fell away, as there was no real use for it, and it was particularly cumbersome. What remained was the part of the logging I dubbed "lle", or life log entry: essentially, a diary or journal. I initially kept this in Word files, but then moved onto keeping them in plaintext files as I moved onto Linux, creating a script which would automatically create the file with the right name and in the right place. Around the start of 2023, I began to move away from writing on the laptop to instead writing on paper, which I have now done ever since; however, I now am writing this wv project, which I am mainly writing on the computer again, as I want it to be uploaded to the website and want to spare myself the need to transcribe. And so, in the four or so years I've been tracking and journalling myself, it has undergone evolution in various directions. In addition, the contents of the journal have changed, and I have become far more open in writing about aspects of myself I dislike. With the change to wv, and the knowledge that this will be public, I now censor myself a little more, and write uncensored items in my journal instead. I suppose even this too may change with time.

Really, though, I could not have envisioned these changes that have happened. I wonder what will happen in terms of wv. Over the course of a thousand entries, I am bound to change the way I write, potentially explore consciously new manners and modes of writing. I may change the topics I write about, becoming more or less systematic, or deliberate on different ideas. For instance, around 2022 and 2023 I had a deep interest in philosophy, and particular the Metaphysics of Quality. I still believe in the MOQ, but do not think so much about philosophy, instead currently worrying about productivity of sorts. As a result, philosophy has barely featured in my writing, instead these being a rather dull kind of "here's what I want to do", and deliberating on best courses of action, criticism of myself that I do not accomplish as desired, etc. I'm not sure this is healthier, though currently I take a Keynesian approach: greed and vice must be my gods for a little longer still. I only want to keep these sins around for as long as they benefit me - a hundred years as our society has of Keynes' message is too long. As such, my writing and actions both reek of a lack of Quality, the kind severely felt when having to observe the actions of corporations, slow, bumbling, overheavy. Foul in a way, actions guided by sin and vice alone. Never the fluidity of pianist finding the next note. Yet I've a thousand entries to write! I am only at 29. It is a far cry away from even an hundred, and then I've that tenfold to do! I believe some form of change will be inspired, that will allow me to continue writing.

For instance, at the beginning of this, I initially wrote largely on specific topics, and tried to come up with actual topics to write about. However, I am not particularly well-read enough to discuss anything with any real depth or determination, and so at one point merely wrote about the leaf of a nasturtium, that I had no other ideas... ever since, the writing has mainly been about the best way to handle tasks, what actions I ought perform, what vices I have and the nature of vice, ... disgusting topics, yet such is my state at present.

As such, I merely wonder what kind of changes in my personal state will occur naturally, and how these will reflect on the content of my wordvomits going forwards... also, how the necessity of writing thousands of words will force a change in my modus vivendi, modus scribendi, where I can't repeat ad infinitum the same, ever the same, ideas...

I guess I'll observe it with time. It is a daunting thought. At only seven entries in, I was already out of ideas, and yet here I am at 29.

Crushes

I had, for the past two years or so, a crush on a girl at work. There has been some restructuring of sorts going on, and now I don't see her anymore - I saw her last in May. I'm writing as I realise that I sort of no longer have feelings for her - feelings tend to go within a few months after not seeing someone, it seems. The last crush I had before this was on a girl from school, which lasted a full two and a half years. This one lasted just under two years.

I'm pretty sure she (the girl from work) wasn't interested in me. I had a more delicate composition when I first met her, and I think the combination of her being both beautiful and kind to me was what got me. Of course, she was just doing her job. I never really spoke to her all that much - occasionally in the kitchen, but that was really it. A combination of social anxiety (which, though I don't like to self-diagnose psychology language, is probably what I had, or the holdover of it, at least) and being generally shy around the girl I like stopped me from really interacting with her much. To add to this, she was what you might call a "real person": she was sociable, fun, but it never seemed too serious. At one point after a night out, as I walked to the station with her, she grabbed my arm in a playful way. I know it was just her having fun, and yet I managed to squander the occasion. I said things by accident that probably hurt her, and by the end of it she seemed like she only wanted to get away. My fault, I'm an insensitive bastard.

Yet, though I really wasn't planning to pursue anything for a long while (conscious decision) and was mostly waiting for the feelings to dissipate, now they have, I feel oddly no different. In a way, I wish I had actually tried to pursue it, or at least just to get rejected. I've changed now, though, and will really avoid crushes in future. My goal is self-improvement now, which entails improvement in social matters also. If I end up with feelings, I'll actually talk to the person, and try to ask them out - it will at worst put a brief end to the feelings, and save me a lot of time.

So, that's that. I'm only really writing about it as I've noticed that the feelings are gone. I also won't really be seeing her again, I don't imagine. I do sort of wish I had been kinder to her, though. I let my shyness be my excuse for being insensitive and cruel. Not that I actively did anything bad, or tried to hurt her, nor do I think she really cares. I imagine she knew, and just thinks of me as "that shy guy who was crushing on me", and doesn't think too much about it.

So, crushes. Why are they called that I wonder? Does it crush me? Are the feelings so weighty they crush the other person? Or do they crush ambition, or my chances?

Either way, it's in the past now. I'm fairly happy.

Schedules are no fun

There is a major problem with scheduling too much: it's bloody dull. How can I find the time to stay up late at night (like I did last night), or do something on a whim, or stay out later than I intended to, if I'm constantly forced to kill my fun with the pain of a schedule and a fixed half-nine bedtime?

Is it better to just try to do it most of the time, but not all the time? I saw on [a blog post by Lars Christian](https://lars-christian.com/losing-my-writing-streak/) the line: 9500 out of 10,000 days is better than 83 out of 83. I feel this is essential: slack is necessary to keep things going. And so, if I want to enjoy myself, maybe it's best to try for say, five out of seven good days a week. Or, just if there is something else that I want, I can do that and not worry too much.

Cool, that's all for today. I ended up discussing productivity again... my, I'm boring.

Have a good one!

Momentous occasion! Sleepless night, sleepful days, and reconsidering

Sat, 07 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000

Saturday today. I last night - perhaps as some self-intervention necessary to save myself from the pain, anguish, misery, melancholia, and suffering attended to by new state of mind - drank in a quantity I haven't done for a long long while (well, since July, but that was socially), having a shot and a half each of kahlua and of sambuca, as well as five ciders. I slept actually rather well, in that my mind did not perceive the interruption of the sleep caused by the alcohol, and in the morning I felt poor, but acceptable. I went for breakfast and a long walk with my dad, and came back, deciding upon a half hour nap that took me from twelve until now, six.

Possibly well needed.

Of course this is not a good state to be in, and I am feeling quite poor by the swing of a body out of control, though I think I did need it, in a way. I'm struggling a bit this September, with what would ordinarily be called mental health, and I think it's a lack of exposure to beauty. The world really does come to become ugly when you make it all so ugly. The only beauty I've been experiencing is music: The Smiths' elucidating I've got no right to take my place in the human race.

I saw as well, tangentially, earendelmir's writing from a long time ago, echoing the sentiment - or rather, I am echoing, in a more verbose way, his - where he says that he is falling behind, and has a need to appreciate beauty... I'm lacking that beauty in my life at the moment, and thinking I may have been wrought from it by my own hand, and last night seeing Omoide no Marnie, and today losing six hours of my day, has that beauty attendant to the life of a young thing at university, though I know it can't last. I need to get somewhat back on track, restoring my sleep, going to the gym, and such, but I can't help but feel I will lose this beauty again. Really, I want to see if I can keep the beauty, but also gain in productivity. Journalling is beautiful and can attend my along the way of life, but all this noting down my failings, and beating myself up, or saying I need to do better, or trying to fill every possible hour with work - look, my employment does that bad enough! Why do I want to replicate it?

The grey sky this past week isn't helping me, either. I really can't hack this.

So, I want beauty in my life, and pre-eminent, and as something certainly there, and regular, and of different types (not just reading considered a virtue..., not just music considered a vice...), and appreciable, and to relax, and to have something other than what I'm doing at the moment, almost a hustle culture. I am not even doing very good with it. I want to be able to relax and appreciate things, not to always be on the back foot with everything I want to do... appreciate, me, the day has 24 hours, and sometimes it's worth watching some Studio Ghibli in that time. Sod the gym (but like, still do it, like).

And so, I've today and tomorrow of pleasure and joy, and have some things I do actually need to do. I'm going to pick the gym back up on Monday morning, and the guitar as well, and not worry too much about this. I'll call it a blip, though really it's reconsidering the direction I'm going... I'm doing what isn't good for me. I sort of knew that from the start, but I guess I had to go through it to get to here. There's a healthy position at the end, and I just need to let myself go through this slow process of thinking about everything to get to where I ought to be.

I suppose I just want to get rid of the vices that attend my life at every stage, and pick up some amount of skills at the gym and with the guitar. But, if what I'm doing isn't working, then I've got to consider another way. In objective terms, I'm not playing the guitar as well as I would like, or as much as the productivity-guru in me says I ought, and I'm fine - yes, progress isn't great, but so what? I'm still here, and I will gradually improve. I just need to not beat myself up about it.

I was thinking earlier last week of sending my boss a weekly email detailling all that I've done in the week (or, I could send it to myself). I suppose that could be more fun for myself, and then I won't have the chance to beat myself up about things. I can just say, look, let's try get it up in the email, and then everything counts in a way. Even social events, which I almost end up viewing antagonistically as they take me away from the quote-unquote productivity (or, the metric, really), are of course good for me, and I can't view it as a loss at all. No experience in life is totally lost! But of course, the main thing I want is not to be resting in bed in the mornings so long, just listening to music... to me, that does seem wasted. It really seems to force me reconsider (again) what wasted time is. I guess I would only say that it is those things that are not experientially worth it, that are engaged in, or are not in some sense spiritually building.

As an aside, I don't like my processes. As in, the processes I have set up on my computer and in my life. For instance, I have Youtube blocked on my phone (via /system/etc/hosts), but still use the phone more than I'd like, as if the desire to use it clings onto whatever scraps I can give it. I also try to get around it with finding new Invidious instances, which is just silly, but allows me to do things like listen to new (to me) The Smiths' songs... Silly, isn't it? I'm almost in an adversarial relationship with myself. Like a parent trying to control its misbehaving child.

So I've rambled for a thousand words. I'm still just really not sure what I should adopt as a system for next week. What is healthier. I have, for a couple years now, wanted to separate out philosophy and generally rambling about my mental state, which I do (did) too much of, both here (though, it is really the entire point) and a tradition form of diary, that is generally rather short, and have them as separate. In other words, disentangle the diary from the journal. That said, I disagree that there is a way to separate them out so entirely, given that of course I will need to have my thoughts and feelings be present in the diary - but I think it should be the thoughts and feelings attending a situation, or the acts that I've performed, not the surrounding rambling and philosophy. As such, I could have something like (made up example with Tom being a fake name):

2024-09-09 (Mo)

Six o'clock awake; gym in the morning; breakfast, then work. At lunch I had a brief nap and went for a walk. After work, I went for a walk with mum, listened to Easy Italian, and saw Tom virtually. Some rambling in the journal about xyz. Wrote wv 52. Bed at ten.

Something brief, like that, for each day. Then, the rambling which may be going into philosophy or just mulling over how I'm ruining my life (like this kind of thing) can go either into a different notepad, or can go into wv. Honestly, the kind of thing that is good for wv and what I normally ramble about sort of are similar, so it might be a good shout. Well, it's what I'm doing at the moment.

The advantage of this is - I can send myself the email (or, letter, or whatever) each week, telling myself all what I've done, so I know I'm not wasting time.

From next week, I think I'll implement that. I do want to be able to write on paper to express either things I don't want to publish publicly, or things that just need to written down - the tactility of paper is better, and superior, than that of a keyboard.

That separation could help. It's all about trying things out. I am not sure the exact purpose of separating, but it will at least make it easier when I search for actual events that have happened. And hopefully I'll get through less paper.

Momentous occasion

Oh, and before I forget, it's my fiftieth wv. That's nice, isn't it? I've written 50,000 words at least - well, my stats say 59k. I'm 5% of the way through as well. That's nice, I guess. It doesn't fill me with overmuch joy. In a way, I don't care, and am just enjoying writing these.

Ok, that's all. Have a good one. It's been a bad week, but I think I've learnt from it. Hopefully next week will be better.

Reading Visa: Psychofauna and thousand reps

Fri, 20 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000

It's Friday, and I have now recovered from the alcohol last night - I was a little hungover, or just tired, this morning, and required a bit of a lie-in. Hey ho. It was alright.

I've noticed a couple things so I just to write here.

Psychofauna

Reading Visa's blog, I stumbled across his blog entry on psychofauna, where he states they they are traps for people, and are to be avoided, passed by, not tackled... stepped around. This is similar to what I wrote before on introversion in 0063, and what is my view on depression, and other psychological terms. I think they have a tendency to become psychofauna in that sense, and should be circumvented entirely.

A Thousand Reps

Also saw from Visa's Youtube channel (that I do not normally watch) that 1,000 reps of anything is worthwhile. Of course, that is related to him starting the wordvomit project he did, and what has given me the inspiration to... copy him outright. I wonder what else I would like to do a thousand reps of. For instance, a thousand reps of guitar. Or a thousand drawings. Or a thousand times to the gym. I think I may actually count up how many times I've been to the gym... See, it would be good to be able to get at least just know basic statistics on these things, and of course I do not have that. It would be good to collect those statistics, perhaps as a thing I do just once per week, or when I draw to write the number on the drawing (I think I do that already), for instance. In terms of guitar, I would need to actually track that somewhere. Likewise, for the gym reps, I could (when I track what I do in the gym) add the actual index of the session at the start. I will actually, now, go through and find the count of sessions to track this. I think it makes sense, really, and gives a resumption of motivation after each important number (e.g. fifty) whilst also giving smaller indexes to work towards, and preventing losing track of where I'm at.

It's 33 times I've been to the gym; it'll be a bit more as there was a month and some, between 2024-06-12 and 2024-07-29, where I did not track anything, though I did not go to the gym much, instead preferring to swim most days.

The number is... less than I want. It feels almost like it is nothing. But, of course, I will increase this number every other day if I go, and so increases by at most three per week. That is 12 a month - and so between now and April when I started there are about sixty. But of course, two of those months almost were spent either swimming almost every day or aren't valid to count (estimates) so really I'm looking at about a max of 36. I've missed 3, in that case - not too terrible. I'm doing as best as I can. By the end of the year, I'll have over fifty. By the end of 2025, if I continue it, above 150. There will be serious changes at that point.

I wanted to do the podcast as well, too, but I have only gotten to the fourth episode. I think I'm happy with slow progress, but I really do want progress. If I do not measure it by the actual ability that I have (which will always feel lacking), but instead just measure it by the amount of times I've done it, I can always have the power to improve this: just one more, or, just hit fifty, or sixty, or one hundred. That kind of thing.

I'm experimenting around with different mental models of action, because I want to both feel good about what I do, and have a way to ensure that I am getting better at things, and also not be depressed by the fact. I don't want to have it be a kind of constant not-good-enough, like what work is. Having individual atoms that can be completed (e.g. half an hour of guitar, or, a drawing, or, one thousand words) and where I know that it is done, and where I can then tell myself that I have done a certain amount, would be good. There are probably though tasks that can't be atomised. I'll need to think about it, but it could well work.

I could even do it in terms of movies. I can just note down all of the movies that I watch. Tracking could become difficult, and I could end up tracking things too much. I will also need to consider whether there is a happy middle ground.

I also think it is important to not tie the productivity aspect to anything relating to the actual process. Otherwise, it will induce burnout with the actual acts being performed; if I tie the productivity aspect to just doing it, then there is no link between them; all the productivity part is ends up being a goal I create myself based on the number, and is not tied to what specifically I want to do for the thing. For instance, I can practise whatever in terms of guitar; I can drop songs or swap around songs or just practise chords or do whatever, but as long as I do the half hour, I have then a single extra point to add towards my thousand: the time invested is the measure of productivity.

I think that would be sensible.

Have a good one.

On variation in stimuli

Thu, 12 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000

Writing another wv for the day, when really I should be going to bed or doing just about anything else - I have a bad headache - I just want to mull over whether a good life is more about variation of stimuli than anything else.

What I mean by this is, a range of different experiences. For instance, the typical example of a bad life would be the stereotypical NEET life, i.e. living in one's mother's basement, barely going outside, always playing the same video games or watching porn over and over. This is of course a bad life, but why? And again, let's consider a good life: a wide range of different experiences, places, people, skills... why is this good? It seems to present the idea of a range of stimuli as inherently good, or, experiences as inherently good. In fact, a lot of what people do is said to be for the experience of it, as opposed to any material gain. Holidays are in this camp: they are done for the experience and for the memories, but not for any strict material gain, unlike, say, investing.

This would taken to an extreme be experience-maximisation: the idea that the most experiences possible is desirable. Of course, this will lead to bad things; one may murder, with intent, just for the experience. So of course we don't want to go that far. Then again, it is common for vice to be a part of people's life and of their experience, and for the vice to have shaped their experience in some way. We would say the vice is bad, but the overall life, and in particular the overcoming of the vice, is good.

Really, in a way this is also trying to justify the things I am trying to pursue at the moment as well; I am aiming for more of a range of experiences, so as to better my life. I think certainly a range of locations is good: just staying in one's room all the time is bad, I would say. I am not sure why. Potentially it is as there is the ability for associations to become bound to a location, and so one's actions become bound to the location itself. In this way vices, negative emotions, etc. can build up and become attached to the place itself, and in a way become reinforced by way of this, noting that negative stimuli have a greater grip than positive ones. In this way, it also seems like it would have some kind of polluting effect. Being in many places at different times means that associations may still occur but are not so strongly bound to a particular place, and so can be overridden (consciously) more easily. Or am I speaking nonsense?

Generally, at least in terms of location, I do want to think about how to do this. I generally go to one of several places: either I am at home, at the gym, at the allotment, at the cafe to study, or at my grandma's. There are other places but these are most common. Perhaps there is a rough rule somebody has set, who has already had this experience (surely a common one!) and has said, for instance, as a heuristic, twelve places (number plucked out of thin air) should be regularly visited for activities. I could add to this number by going to the park as an alternative to the cafe, and this weekend I want to go and sit by the sea to draw. Guitar will have to happen at home so that is that, but there are likely other places I could visit. The thing is, I have the bike and yet do not use it halfway enough; I ought to use it a lot more to explore new places, given how easy it is to get around on it, and go to various woods, and generally anywhere I can get to easily. If I had a motorbike, it would help even more, as there are a lot of places that simply do not have any pavements or anything, just a single 50 mph lane for cars to speed down. It's sadly quite common here, and public transport is generally poor or non-existent. Even still I think I can find a decent array of different places to go to, and be able to explore a little. I could also experiment with going out for dinner (on my own or inviting others) and see how it goes. Yes, it's comparatively expensive, but if I get water then a meal only comes to about £10 to £15. It's entirely reasonable.

But then also, this (like, the idea of maximising stimuli, not the ramble I just went on) flies against the idea of cultivating skills, which requires investing a significant portion of time in a single activity. For instance, the gym, guitar, and drawing are all the same thing over and over, but if I do them enough I could hopefully build up a skill in them. Perhaps there is a middle ground to stimuli: for certain things, a commitment is necessary, and it is good for a person to have a few things at least he regularly commits to, but then also, as regards circumstance and more superficial things, he could seek a certain degree of novelty. Does that work?

I think so. A bit under 1000 words but I'll call it here today. Have a good one.

On media (mis)use, vestigial vices, and suchlike

Fri, 16 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000

I'm on a roll today! Three wvs. Really, I'm just avoiding the guitar and doing exercises, which are what I really do need to do... in other words, I'm procrastinating. It's theoretically not a bad way to do it, and I suppose I do benefit from having written these three thousand words. When I used to write lle (life log entries) on the computer, I would sometimes get up to 5000 words per day, just because I needed to get my thoughts on (virtual) paper. I suppose this is much the same.

Screentime today is 3h40m. That's pretty bad. Of course it's actually more than that, since I was staring at my laptop screen all day for work too, and have been staring at this laptop to write wvs. But on the phone it is 3h40m, which is not great. Yesterday it was 52m, much better. But I really want it to be much lower.

I notice that using my phone too much, and Youtube too much, is still a vestigial sin of mine. I have inherited it through many years, and it has persisted under the illusion that I gain something from it. Really, it often annoys me when Invidious does not load (which happens more and more often), or if the internet goes and I have to re-seek in the video to where I was, or if there is nothing good to watch... I rarely watch junk, but do sometimes find fairly pointless things to watch. I watch Brodie Robertson a lot, who is really good and I don't want to denigrate his work, but that kind of Linux news is ultimately not very useful to my actual everyday life: I gain nothing from it.

I do listen to podcasts: Diary of a CEO, and Modern Wisdom, nowadays. I find it to be very educational, genuinely. However, I need to actually implement the education I learn, otherwise it is just reiterating to a paraplegic about how to move one's legs.

For this week, or maybe last week, I was going to spend the whole time without my phone. As it turns out, I (currently) need my phone due to TOTP being on it that I use for work, but I could remove this and install it elsewhere (on the (probably 9 years old by this point) S4mini?). It would be a great vice to kick and would probably help clear my mind. I imagine it would help my focus as well, not to have that distraction, and clear a little extra time.

Generally, I can benefit a lot from just getting rid of things. Via negativa. I misuse media, and misuse my phone. I have always called my phone the 'agent of sin', and really it is, but ultimately I am the sinner: the phone merely enables me. I've gotten rid of most bad things: I never really used social media like Facebook or Twitter, I don't use Reddit anymore, etc. But I still watch Youtube (if, via Indivious, not on the app, which adds some friction) and browse the web, etc. I think this is generally the problem. The mere fact of it being a phone, and having, e.g. a 60Hz AMOLED panel, and the touchscreen, annoy me too. I know it is all made in such a way as to control me, hijack me. It's not as bad as some of the ones now, as the technology back in 2018 was still not quite what it is nowadays, where the main goal of tech companies is to "get them young" with addictive screens, gestures, animations, etc. I've never bought into it too much, yet still use the phone a lot for... what? Youtube, mainly, honestly. So, I want that to go. I could just add Invidious sites, and Youtube into my /system/etc/hosts, which to be honest I'm very tempted to. Actually, let's do that, tonight.

I'll then stop using the phone so much, not to watch Youtube, etc. I'll see how my screentime changes over the next week, with intentional reductions in use and the /etc/hosts block in place. I could write about it next week. I think it will do me a lot of good not to be engaging in that sort of thing. There is I guess the part of me that will say, "but what of the good music you will miss out on?", and "what of the ability to learn new ideas?", but really at this point, I likely don't need to listen to much new music (nor do I ever, really) and I can come up with a lot of ideas by myself if I need them. I know the basics and can work on actually implementing those, before I then need more information to add to it. I can probably learn a lot by doing, for many of my vices or desires.

And so, I'm going to leave it at that. Vestigial vices are really what I am struggling with at the moment. Today, I slept little due to a late night out, and then did not go to the gym in the morning. As a result, I've now gotten to the evening, having not done my gym exercises (it's now too late to go to the gym physically, and I've eaten which makes even doing things in my room likely to induce cramp) and have not practised guitar. In other words, I've sort of messed up. On the bright side, I've written three wvs, but I wonder if it was a worthwhile tradeoff. A lot of what I'm doing now is trading off one thing for another, which means I still get things done, but maybe not exactly what I want to get done. I can always fix it tonight and tomorrow: I can get a decent night's sleep tonight, wake up early, go for my swim and potentially even to the gym for a little bit after (doing legs, which isn't really that horrid compared to upper body), and then go to town to study as usual. So I can get a fair bit done: I can then go to the allotment and begin work there, etc. I can make up for today (wv heavy) by doing more tomorrow and over the weekend. I've even got Monday and Tuesday off work so I can catch up then. In other words, it's not the end of the world, and whilst my goal of having a perfect week this week has not really come to fruition, I still think it's been a good one.

Talking of good ones, have a good one.

On sin and vice

Sat, 20 Jul 2024 00:00:00 +0000

For today, I would like to consider the ideas of sin and of vice, to tease apart a vague meaning. I often use these words, somewhat interchangeably, to describe certain actions of mine. Yet, why are certain behaviours sinful or vicious, and others not?

Regarding the distinction between sin and vice, it appears at first glance that sin is a more voluntary action, whereas vice is an action one is given to, yet has less conscious control over. Of course, this becomes blurry at a point, namely in those situations where an action would be conscious and deliberate in a sense, yet is coerced in a way by an underlying proclivity (which could be weak or strong).

Yet, whatever distinction may be found, both sin and vice share an underlying nature, a form of the sin if one will. To this underlying nature we may apply the adjective bad, or undesirable.

Now, firstly let us explore the question of whether sin or vice, which I shall hereon out call just sin, are inherent to particular actions. Certainly, it would be trivial to enumerate those actions in which sin tends to inhere.

Firstly would be the bodily desires of eating and breeding; these may become sinful if the person tends to eat excessively, or more often, eat an imbalanced diet, for instance excessively consuming sugar; regarding the latter, it may become sinful if performed to a point of inurement, or if sight of the partner is lost for the act itself, or if not performed towards the ends of reproduction or love (the act is neither propagative nor romantic, but sexual).

Secondly would be to do with those substances that induce a dependence, namely drugs. Arguably, those actions enumerated firstly are also of this nature. Of course, the drug itself can be used in a good way; it however has the nature that it often brings about further use of itself.

Thirdly could be those actions which are contrary to what is wanted; for instance, I have a habit of biting my nails. There may be other behaviours, for instance avoidance of certain interactions, or the reflexive utterance of particular undesirable phrases, that may be sinful. I as a young man made it protocol never to swear, save for the word damn; when as an adult I relaxed this rule, I found undesirable words stumbling against my will from my mouth upon even only marginally discomfiting events occurring.

There are certainly other actions that vicious or sinful in nature.

Yet, through the enumeration of these it is clear that many actions are not necessarily sinful, but are instead able to be committed in a sinful way. For instance, regarding sex, it may be romantic (non-sinful; except if infidelity is involved, I suppose) or propagative (excessive reproduction is a rare vice, but certainly possible...) or sexual (potentially inherently sinful?). We may quality acts to be sinful: sex qualified so as to be rape would be necessarily sinful, surely.

Going the other way, can we strip actions of qualifications then so as to relieve them of their sinful nature?

Then, there is some aspect in the mode of the action wherein sin inheres, yet it is (except if the act is qualified so as to be sin) not inherent to the act. Then, ought I see if the sin is relating to the person committing the act, rather than to the act itself?

To begin with, could sin be defined only by the terms applied to it, namely by bad or undesirable? In other words, similarly to how the term weed does not relate to a clearly defined set of plants but rather is applied only to those plants that are undesirable, could sin be specifically those actions that are undesirable? Likewise, when considering actions often repeated, could be that vice is such when undesirable; when desirable however may term such routine, or some other positive word?

Honestly, I've no way to refute this. It seems to be the case. Yet then, what makes an action good or bad? It seems that if I engage in an action, the degree to which I term it sin depends upon my view of it...

So: why is a particular action good or bad?

If a particular action is a vice, then does it stand to mean it is [un]desirable?

I think that the actions and the conscious experience ought to be separate. For instance, I can perform an action, yet not desire to do it, or regret it. Often the mind tricks one with an urge, and upon appeasement of the urge, a regret is felt as the person has returned to sanity, so to speak.

Then, specifically, is a sin an act committed in the period of non-sanity, which upon return to sanity is regretted?

This seems a closer approximation.

Whilst I would not say that all acts committed in sanity are good (oil barons exist; arguably, they are given to avarice though), sin never appears to be committed lucidly.

Hence, could I say that avoidance of sin must either entail avoidance of non-lucidity, or an alteration of circumstance or of inherent nature so as to prevent undesirable acts from occurring during period of (potentially unavoidable) non-lucidity?

If so, this clarifies a way to avoid sinful action. Actions ought be taken during lucidity to avoid undesirable actions during non-lucidity. For instance, if masturbation is undesirable yet regularly committed during non-lucid periods, then, during lucidity, one can say, go to the park. This change in environment results in a change of behaviour, which is environmentally conditioned. As the non-lucid behaviour in the park (say, of sleeping upon the field, or of people-watching) is more desirable than the non-lucid behaviour in the bedroom (masturbation), this act alleviates the sin. Willpower is an ineffective idea as sin occurs during non-lucidity, in which no conscious control can be exerted; if lucid, then all actions committed are not sinful, as they are intentional.

(I've just napped a bit; upon awakening, I'm still tired...)

It could be useful at some point to attempt, though this is unique likely to each person, to try find at what points non-lucidity occurs.

I think I've run out of things to say. If philosophy is self-help, then I've gotten as much from this as I need. I should now work on implementing this, and see how it goes. The main point in mulling over sin is to try understand the nature, if only a little, of my own mind and the sins and vices associated with it. So, let's leave it here: have a good one.

Or - to resume it as soon as I've stopped: what of nail biting? Is it possible to avoid situations of non-lucidity that arouse this vice? Likewise, is it really possible to avoid non-lucidity altogether? Really, non-lucidity is poorly defined itself. I'm not sure. Perhaps strategies for using this theory are a different discussion to the development of the theory itself, however it feels like I have already discovered a shortcoming... it is a rule of thumb, heuristic, phenomenological only...

Ok, I'm tired. Have a good one.

Yorushika, Hobonichi, Abroad

Mon, 30 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000

It's now the Monday, ten and I really should be working with my full focus. I'm sitting on my bed with three laptops in front of me: the work laptop has the dreadful matter that is the focus on my current attention (positive thoughts!); this laptop has neovim open to write this wv, and my other home laptop (that has seen little use, and which I need to figure out what I want to do with - I at some point need to reset it with Arch/Artix, and get it to be a bit better. I have my issues with it sometimes - also, it has so much accumulated on the drives over the years it's completely unmanaged. One hard drive failure and I'd have no clue what I'd lose) which is currently playing Yorushika. I love the Yorushika of old - after Tousaku (the album), the songs are not very good, but before that they are amazing. Ame to Cappuccino currently playing. Ikikata hitotsu oshiete hoshii dake.

Hobonichi

I've decided earlier this month to repurpose the notepad that was formerly for unstructured writing as a diary, where I write each day a short description of what has happened on that day. I have been doing that, although occasionally I forget and go a couple days without writing, so have to write several days (and dreg back the memory) at once. The other notepad is for completely unstructured writing, scribbling, whatever. Then of course there is the sketchpad used for drawing (hopefully to see a lot more use next month!). But, I've been looking at, for next year, getting a Hobonichi techo. It seems like it could be really good, in terms of acting as a calendar (if I write in pencil - not pen, which I need to do more of) and also would function as my daily diary in the day notes, with ... well, I don't know what I'd do in the monthly, but basically I think it seems very good. And high quality paper etc. I am going to try it for next year and see how it goes, I think.

In terms of planning and journalling, despite doing it for so long (beginning in 2020 and consistently since 2021) I have not really figured out exactly the kind of system that I want to use. I was initially tracking everything systematically; then, the tracking for everything else fell by the wayside and what remained was "lle" - the life log entry, in essence a freeform journal. I wrote lle on the laptop until 2023, when I began to also write on paper. I have then also late last year and this year begun to track things, and am now almost thinking of deprecating the traditional lle journal, with the free-form writing instead as a part of wv (and to a lesser extent the blog), anything I would not want to publish as a part of the scratchpad, and the diary as a summary of each day. In this way then, Hobonichi would be a fairly natural transition, subsuming the responsibility of the diary, and adding to that the functionality of a calendar - I have always struggled to think of a way of managing events and plans, and have tended to just write them in the notes of the diary, which then has an additional problem that I swap out notepads as I fill them up with my sprawling writing. So a Hobonichi would really help me out in terms of this, I think.

The notepads are pricey, though... especially with shipping. That said, a lot of the price is the cover (aesthetic) which if I buy one each year will be £29 that I don't need to spend each time.

(Well, I've bought it now...)

Abroad

I really think that I might want to leave the UK at some point. It's sort of a thing that needs deliberation on; I guess it's worrying, the idea that I might find myself in a foreign country and living there without people I know or the means to necessarily live there. But really, I don't see a future in the UK. The country is politically and economically in shambles; I think as a young person in the country it's easy to see that. I watched this video by BritMonkey which sort of summarises the feeling well. The UK is a country in shambles. I know this, and of course I hear from my relatives in Germany that they feel that Germany is in a bad way as well, but I can't help but feel like we have it actually bad, whereas they just like to complain (but still have it better). I knew that UK healthcare was bad, but didn't realise until I watched the video that it was actually worse than in the US (nor did I realise that people pay for initial consultations in Europe; I know they have a sort of public-private system in Japan that works very well) and also that our public transport is worse than in the US? I knew it was bad here but I just didn't realise it was that bad.

I'll get citizenship for the EU in a couple years. I think I would like to try living in different countries - so for instance, I could try Germany and Italy (if I keep on learning the language) and spend a couple years in each. If I continue to work in insurance, there is work in both countries for that, or I could work remotely; or if I move to data or programming again there is remote work for these. So generally, I think that I could survive just about anywhere. That means that I could try a couple years in different countries and see how it is. I have this sort of idea in my head that Europe would be amazing to live in; of course, the UK has it's own appeal. There is also the appeal of doing something new, as well, though.

October

Tomorrow is October. I've a lot to do in this month; I will have two blog entries per week, as well as the usual wv to update, and Inktober to do (one drawing per day). I doubt the drawings will be very good, but I think it would benefit me to keep on trying, at least. One a day. I normally relent on these kinds of things, and don't find the time, etc. but I am going to try to make sure I do find the time this month. As well, I've also got the LM2 to do (exam probably November, considering also the holiday), RHS M5, as well as normal gym going and socialising, all in the time that I'm not sleeping, working, or cooking. Whew! I'll see how it goes.

Ok, well, have a good one.

Social malaise strikes again

Fri, 18 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000

I really hate the social malaise. I have taken to calling it that I suppose, when what it is the last vestiges of social anxiety striking me, in the form of inhibition. See, I went to the place I went before for pizza tonight, and had a quite nice hummus pizza (and spoke, except for with the barmaid who insisted on English, Italian and fairly well I think! though I didn't say much) and noticed as I was coming back that outside and inside the Irish Bar there were many people, and that I could probably go in there, socialise, talk to people at the bar, join a group, or play pool or something like that. As I walked past it, and also past the many people out on a night out, enjoying a glass of wine or the company of their friends, and turning onto Via dell'Inferno (-a?) I thought to myself: what is it that stops me from just going in there and ordering a drink? Chatting to people?

Well, nothing. I could easily do it. I could have ordered a glass of wine to get me started (don't like wine, ofc) and then gone in there, ordered a cider or something like that (I'm sure they probably have Old Mout, or Orchard Thieves, or something) and started talking to people at the bar: I'm on holiday, what about you, mind if I join you, ... I could do it. And really, let me think about what the worst that could happen is. I am perceived as odd, or strange, or overly pushy (to insert myself into a group of existing friends) or am rejected. Really, if I say "mind if I join you?" after having established myself as conversational, I can easily find people to join in with for the night. And it serves as good practise for socialising generally, which I do struggle with still. I wish I didn't.

And the thing is: so what if I am perceived poorly? Really, it does not matter one sliver. I am in a foreign country; nobody knows me; nobody I know is here with me. If I make a blunder, or say something awkward, or even just stand about awkwardly at the bar, or am not particularly social, or have a mood that is predisposed to making silly social faux pas', or any number of other things: eh. I'll disappear in a day back to England and not need to think about it any more, or at the very least can use my cockup(s) to help me learn what needs be done in the future in terms of this kind of thing. I have to understand that, given that a lot of my friends are far away and I only see them virtually or rarely in person, then I need to, when I am socialising, learn to socialise well alone. I need to learn to overcome that feeling of awkwardness.

So, tomorrow: I think I will go to that Irish Bar in the evening. I haven't much else to do.

I don't really know what I'm waiting for. I will never feel as if people want to accept me, or as if I will be perceived as anything other than strange. I think as well, this is definitely a recursive matter, or put another way, it exists by virtue of its existence. If I tell myself I am awkward, or that I am not good in these social situations, or worry that I will be perceived as strange, then I will likely have an awkward and ungainly manner, which will then be the cause of my being awkward/ungainly, thus perpetuating the idea. If instead, I am natural, or at least just initiate conversation a bit, and try my best to be friendly, not to assertive or aggressive, not too desperate of gaining company, and rather just stand at the bar for a bit, or say to people as I said before, "mind if I join you?" and if I am rejected so be it. I can stand at the bar a little longer. I just wonder what I'm afraid of. Is it really rejection? I am not sure whether it is. I think rather, it is a fear of a bad perception by others, as I am aware that I am not particularly socially adept, cannot dance well in a nightclub, have social inhibition, am naturally quiet (and quieter since I started this job, in which I am invited to be so (not maliciously; rather, that is the mode of my colleagues), I do believe) and so on.

Really, isn't it strange I need to talk myself up to go in a bar and order a drink, and chat to people? Isn't this something that most people can do without needing to pep-talk themselves, without a day of preparation for it? Isn't it something that most people would do on a whim, for fun, as opposed to a challenge, a self-betterment exercise? Yet for me, it is difficult, or not really difficult, but requires something to be overcome. Myself. My want of not being perceived as strange by people whom I will never see again.

That said, Saturday (tomorrow) is my last night and my last chance to do this, here. Of course, I can have future holidays, but this will be my last chance for a good while to do this alone, in a foreign country, and where I will not be seen again by the people whom I talk to. I shouldn't miss it. I need to remember that, it is very easy for me to do the kind of exercises in terms of drawing, and writing, and physically, that I have been doing well for the past few months. But, the most major problem I have is social malaise. I am not confident in myself or in my ability with other people. That interferes with all my interactions: small talk in the kitchen at work, talking with new people, fearing being alone, not talking to the other tables in restaurants (I did only once this holiday, and I did not initiate), talking well to other people I see on the street (for instance, not just smiling and nodding, but getting words out as well), talking to wait(e)r(esse)s and not under my breath, or in that shy way. Actually, I am thinking now that a part of my being perceived often as a foreigner is not just due to my accent, or my appearance: no, I think it is actually that the Italians are often very loud and confident, and I, meek and quiet, not fitting the typical image, am then outed as a foreigner for my lack of confidence. If I can't say "un tavolo per uno, grazie" without it being under my breath, well, the lack of confidence belies my lack of confidence in the language itself. Perhaps?

So, it's been a week. I think, tomorrow, on my last day, I'm going to try to be more confident. Gradually, I have built up a bit of a potential in terms of talking: I can now understand a little better, even just to nod and say 'si', and so can use that, and just make sure I speak firmly and loudly, and see if that changes anything. Then, in the evening, I should go to the Irish Pub, try to talk to people, see how it goes. I should imagine it'll be busy on a Saturday.

Have a good one. I've a long way to go, don't I?

On the leaf of a Tropaeolum majus

Mon, 06 May 2024 00:00:00 +0000

Running out of ideas for the word-vomits, I am opting today to write about the leaf of a Tropaeolum majus, or nasturtium, of the Peach Melba variety I do believe, which I have on my windowsill in my room.

The stem approaching the leaf is rather thin. Where the stem conjoins with the leaf, there is a small circular area which is whitish-yellow, translucent as the rest of the leaf. This area appears to have less chlorophyll, likely both due to a different type of cell being present (one which is more suited to the carrying about of nutrients to the leaf) and that it does not serve much purpose when the light may simply pass through and be photosynthesised by the stem instead.

In a star-like pattern from the centre of the leaf, veins may be seen, which carry out until the very edge of the leaf. There appears to be more of what I could call the first-order veins on the top-side than on the bottom. Presumably gravity has some effect here. For instance, on the leaf I observe, there are four of these on the top side, with only three on the lower side, as well as the two that go left and go right. Some four-tenths of the way up from each first order vein there appears another vein going on way or the other, and very soon after (not immediately, however, in a way that would form a perfect trident) one going the other direction. Other veins however do not have this, and instead wait until near the end of the leaf, at which point they biforcate to form a triangle with the edge of the leaf.

The second order or subveins often join with another subvein emanating from a different main vein, forming a straight line across between the left vein and the right vein, and then diverging from either side of this line. In essence, they form a shape similar to an H, however with each of the four segments around the centre - diverging.

In fact, all of the main veins have subveins that arise on different sides at different times except two, which are the centre two on the top side of the leaf, facing upwards. This as mentioned I assume is due to gravity somehow.

The first order veins are white with a dark green surrounding them. The second order veins are of the same form, however smaller. There are a few third order veins in which this form is perceptible, however mostly by this point the veins are so small as to simply appear as a dark green when held up and observed before the sky.

The leaf is far from perfectly round, and in fact undulates when tracing the perimeter of it. It resembles a frilly dress in this way. I presume this to help protect against wind in some way. It appears thoroughly imperfect, and is in this way somewhat frustrating. It is not imperfect in a beautiful way, almost imperfect in an imperfect way.

When squeezing very forcefully a portion of the leaf between the thumb and forefinger, the green evacuates from the portion squeezed and it takes on a colour which is suppose is closest to yellow, or is maybe even just a lighter, almost lime, green. The colour does - even in a leaf which has been plucked off from the main plant - gradually recover, though it takes a very long while.

It is hard to describe the smell if one has never had reference to a nasturtium leaf. It is intoxicating in a way, yet sickly, not unalike the smell of sticks of glue which one might have sniffed as a child. The smell slightly lingers in the nose in a similar way to mint, with a slight sting even of the nostrils, however the effect is not anywhere near so severe as with mint. Even in only eating a very small amount, that amount which can be shyly taken between the teeth, there is a sharp pang in the tip of the tongue, though almost none of the actual flavour of the nasturtium itself can be tasted. It takes a second or two for this pang to arise. It is not the pang of mint as said, nor of pepper, though the taste is often called peppery. It is simply quite sharp. It is almost impressive in fact how strong a flavour such a diminutive portion of leaf can provide.

The flavour is hard to grasp in that way. Leaving a small section of leaf on the tongue, it gives a continuous stinging sensation for a short while. The stem in addition, whilst having a more disgusting flavour, has an even stronger effect in terms of the sting it provides the tongue.

I've now eaten the full leaf, and it's provided almost less than the small bites did in terms of strength. The overall flavour of the leaf is also not impressive, though I have tasted worse leaves than the one I have just eaten. The plant is truly wonderous, and I haven't even described the flowers, which in this variety of Peach Melba are extremely impressive. All varieties are, though, with nasturtiums...

That said, I've run out of words and of capacity, at only some eight hundred words. It feels meagre, but I have little else that I ma inspired to say at the moment. I think nonetheless, I will count this towards the word-vomit, even if it was altogether forced... The goal is simply to write more. I am glad that, even in early May, I already have two flowers (and a third on its way) on my nasturtium plant in my room.

Ok, that is all then. I've been struggling a little with ideas of what to write, and what to do for the podcast I am beginning to record (though certainly not releasing! it's just for myself) and am really struggling to make up the word counts. I am not sure whether it is that I am simply not adjusted and used to writing at length, or am inadequate at description, or grow bored too quickly, or... ok well let's end it here and go do something else.

Have a good one.

Drunkenness, and to drink

Thu, 19 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000

It is now late in the evening - well, half eight - and I am testing my ability to write. Clearly, it is not incredible, but such is life; I suppose in the morning I will benefit from not correct the likely multitudinous typos that are going to appear in this (that said, I am correcting the majority as I type) but rather from letting them be, that I may see how different my writing is from when sober when drunk. (Grammatically, that sentence is poor)

I have been to the East India Arms, a pub just outside of Fenchurch Street. It was good; I had three Old Mout ciders (four?), which has gotten me sufficiently drunk that I am not struggling to type. I am not very good at handling alcohol.

In a way, it is strange that, instead of sleeping, the first thing I have thought to do is to turn on my laptop and write a wv. Why is writing such a thing that I am almost inured to do?

It was a small crowd - four, including myself, turned up - ----, ------, and -----. ----- (dash 5) left after a surprisingly short period of time, despite the one who most ardently advocated the drinks to occur; ---- (dash four) in my team and ------ (dash six) in the claims team stayed with me until half eight. We discussed many things of course, and I shan't be particularly obsessed to recount them. It was a good night, in all. I enjoy the social events...

Then, I did drink, and copiously, tonight.

a crack on the head is just what you get, why? because of what you are...

why? because of the things you said, the things you did...

It was fun, though. I am actually, on the train, quite drunk, and struggling to write. It won't capture in the final product, as I am correcting the errors as I write. Perhaps the capturing of the song lyrics I am currently listening to is an indication of my drunken state?

Is it good to drink? I really am not sure on it. Of course, to be addicted to alcohol, or to have it as a vice, or a crutch, is bad. I do often go out on social events drinking either very little, or not all, and am still able to socialise, though admittedly it is not so fluid as when I do drink. I, as testament to the fact I drink nowadays relatively little, get drunk very easily. Three (or four?) ciders was enough to get me quite drunk, that I am struggling to maintain my faculties; yet before, I could drink this much easily and without much issue. In fact, I used to meet my friends in the local spoons and would drink three drinks (three for five) without much issue at all (as what I would get, alongside chips and curry, before they arrived), yet nowadays three drinks is what I manage over the course of an entire night often.

That is likely a good thing; it means that I am not inured (I like that word, don't I just?) to alcohol, and cannot tolerate it well; in fact, when I, a few weeks (fortnight?) back, decided to drink alone at home, I had a mere five ciders, alongside a shot and a half of sambuca and of kahlua. That got me sufficiently drunk; though I could still walk well afterwards, and in fact read that evening. This evening I engaged in chat, which was very fun.

It was fun, but it will (my being in a drunken stupor - I had to try to respell that word correctly some four times) affect my sleep. This will likely mean gym in the morning is a no-go; and in fact, I will have to go in the evening (which ruins my prospect of a movie night with myself), or, I will have to just suffer the slight hangover and just go to the gym, even if not in an incredible mood. I also need to remember that if I do not go, I will end up owing my brother £50.

Since I've mentioned it, I think the owing my brother money if I fail to do something is a good way forward; but of course, I think I've benefitted from this night out, but know it has damaged my ability to go to the gym. I suppose that is the trade-off when it comes to alcohol. It does allow for an enjoyment that is possible to achieve without it, but more difficult; in return, it takes your next day. But if I have to owe my brother money, I may just try gently at the gym and see what happens. I also want in a way to try to use the existing (if not very good) weights at home, and calisthenics, to improve physically, whilst not requiring the commute to the gym. Then again, I have to remember sleep is the main benefactor of the body in terms of working out, not the exercise itself, and so I must try to always get good sleep; alcohol does not benefit sleep.

Alcohol is a tricky vice, precisely because it does have benefits. Masturbation, to take an example, is ever and always an inferior substitute to real sex, that requires less work. Alcohol is a substitute to real social interaction, but in contrast is equally (if not more) efficacious, and so is more of a challenge in a way. Cigarettes to take the final case are purely negative. In this way, I suppose, the problem is that drinking is not just enjoyable during the act (alcohol tastes good - well, some do at least - and every person disagrees on which some that is) but has at least short term beneficial effects. Really, alcohol is a case of a trade-off, of the morning afterwards for the night before. The short term for the long term, in a way. Yet, the short term can actually be long term beneficial, and is also just pleasant to experience. If vices like cigarettes or masturbation only subtract, alcohol adds as well, which makes the trade off difficult.

Then, the question is: ought I drink? and I think the answer is more complex than socialites or friends bolstering one on to, or health-gurus saying not to. It is a conscious trade off; it is perhaps not a terrible sin to drink at times, and experience that; at the point that it becomes a problem, or alcohol is drunk to excess (throwing up - I've have my fair share of experiences of that) I suppose it is ok? But then, it is good also to affirm that it is an added benefit, not become a necessity.

That said, tonight was good fun. First drink we've had for a while, and though the turnout was low (just four then three), it was a good shout. I appreciate ----- for initiating it, and think we really should have a social chat where we go out for drinks and the like more often. Maybe I could ask HR?

Or, would I have the confidence. Shouldn't I be unabashed about what I want?

Regardless, have a good one. I sure have.

Cityitism

Tue, 10 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000

Today, I'd like to write a little on a concept that I had in my mind more promimently a while ago, but which I believe is still somewhat relevant, and which is to be avoided. Cityitism: being a cityite.

Firstly, let's define a cityite. It's somewhat of a pejorative in my mind, referring to attributes of people I believe predominate, or which are reinforced within cities; not all people who live in cities are cityites in the sense of having all or most of the attributes of cityitism, but all who live in the city live within a system that brings such elements to play and allows them to thrive, in some sense.

Paranoia and fear of strangers

This is a thing inculcated in people during childhood: that strangers are potentially dangerous, and so should be avoided. If young, then they may be rebels, and engage in irresponsible or dangerous (criminal) behaviour: think of the stereotypes of groups of young boys, for instance. If older, then they may be sex offenders, for instance.

This distrust of strangers is illogical in several ways. Firstly, the primary threat to people, especially children to whom this advice is given, is people known. Generally the child's own parents, and if not then close relatives. Even in this way, strictly factually speaking, the ones who should be distrusted are the ones closest to you.

Secondly though, the concept of a stranger is actually a misnomer. A stranger is a person about whom you know nothing; as a result, you actually don't know them enough to know whether they are malicious or not. Once you get to know someone (which of course, is impossible in the complete sense), they cease to be a stranger. For instance, a person who you do not know but have seen before moves in to your street: they then cease to be a stranger, and instead become your neighbour Pete. But of course, the person themselves has not changed, only your relation to them; they are still equally dangerous to before, and since you cannot know what a person is likely to do (think of the testimonies of friends and family of rapists: he seemed like such a nice guy, he didn't seem the type to do such a thing...) the additional trust you place in them only by way of knowing them is strictly illogical.

In this way, the concept of a stranger is a boogeyman, a chimaera: strangers cease to exist as soon as you get to know them.

If presented with this evidence, a cityite will generally say: I know it makes sense, but people worry, or, parents worry... an normative argument, and not a well-reasoned one.

I think of the story told by Louis Rossmann and his grandfather. One day, he was working, and a group of young black boys came around and started being loud as they are. Instead of instantly distrusting them and trying to avoid them, he spoke to them as people, interacted well with them, and gave them the benefit of trust. When there was a gang problem, and the grandfather was almost stabbed by these boys, they went: no wait, stop! He's cool, don't hurt him!

Of course, there are myriad other stories that tell the contrary, and on television the ones that are shown are ones that contribute to the paranoia: stories of young girls, always extremely pretty (how many of these murder shows are about the countless young men that killed each day, or even just ugly girls? They always seem to be about pretty young girls, because that stokes emotion more) who are killed by strangers, or members of authority they should have been able to trust. Of course, I am not saying everyone is good, or that bad things will not come to you if you are trustful of others. What I am saying is that it is statistically and logically fallacious to trust a known quantity over an unknown quantity in this situation, given the "known" quantity is actually still unknown with regards to the capacity for malicious acts, and in fact is more of a danger than the unknown quantity. So just be trustful of others!

Aversion of the eyes

Related to the above, and what always upsets me in big cities is the aversion of eye contact. It's a well known phenomenon that, when going to a more rural place, you will generally find people to be kinder, happier, smile more at people as they pass by on the street, say good day, and potentially even spark a conversation if at the bus stop. By contrast, in cities, the tendency is to avoid eye contact with people you pass by on the street, not to smile, and to sit in awkward silence if at the bus stop.

The problem here, though related to the distrust of strangers, is the loss of cohesive community. People don't get to know each other as well, which leads over time to the reliance on technology to plug the gap filled by a lack of circumstantial social activity that can lead on to other things. The loss of community and of talking to casual people (how will you know most people are actually good, if you never talk to them?) feeds in to the distrust of others.

One situation I remember, was when I was at the park with my family and nieces. My niece was coming down the slide, and a young girl was at the bottom, crying for her father to pick her up. I was standing at the bottom of the slide as well, and was a bit confused what to do: my niece was coming down the slide, and if the girl wasn't moved out the way, she would get a two-footed kick in the backside as my niece came down. The father was facing away, a little distance away, and was completely inattentive on his phone. I wanted to just pick the girl up and set her down, so she didn't get hurt. The problem was, I was worried about whether the father would misinterpret it: I even asked my dad and he said it's best not to. Luckily, we did manage to get the father's attention and he came over, but it was close. Generally, as a man (I don't think women get the same treatment) there is an assumption of malice around children. In fact, going back to what is above, the image of a malicious stranger is generally that of a young man - never of a gentle old lady, for instance. The problem is, people don't generally have bad intentions, and so assuming they do (especially when the parent themselves are clearly not exactly paying attention to their darling child crying) is a bad starting point.

Content, vice, and a lack of self-satisfaction (zen)

Since a while ago, particularly with the advent of the television, I think also an aspect of a lack of self-satisfaction is present as a part of the citydweller's constitution. What I mean by this is, they cannot just sit, zazen. Instead, there must be engagement: this can be for instance in the form of television, or nowadays of media on the phone, music when walking along the street (I do this myself; I did stop for several years but have actually started again...). When a lull in conversation occurs nowadays, everybody immediately jumps to the phone to cure the awkwardness, to avoid sitting with oneself. I actually find it painful when trying to go out for a meal with people, and they immediately start going on their phone (and, generally, neglect you if you try to speak) or you mention something inane and they go "oh let's look that up". Oh amazing, I just wanted to talk to you, but now you're looking up the exact age of the central library in Budapest. You know I really don't care, right? I just wanted to talk to you. The material, concrete facts are prized over the interaction with people, which is to me what really matters.

Now, I can't criticise too much, because I have my addictions and vices around content too. I find it within myself not to engage in them when I've others around, because I prize their company over my vices. But at home I certainly suffer from this. I just want to clarify that I'm not above this; rather, I am as much a victim, and in this sense a cityite, as the people I complain about phobbing me off when we have a conversation.

Generally, I feel that the tendency for cityite living is towards surrogates, and away from the real thing. This would also be a tendency towards abstraction away from the real thing. As vices go, pornography instead of real interpersonal sexual interaction is one; social media instead of talking to people is another. E-mail or texts over mail. These kinds of things.

Abrupt end

I'm already past a thousand words and my train journey is about to end, so I'll stop here. Maybe continue with a part two at some point. I think the general idea is communicated though. These are things I want to avoid, in some sense, and instead have a more fulfilling, holistic, whole, existence...

Ok, have a good one.

On online aliases, and alt-accounts, and blog-shame

Tue, 17 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000

Likely too late for me to be pondering this, given the decision is somewhat made: to combine professional and personal and have it all under my name, is what I decided some time ago. I originally had a domain sateoki.xyz (terrible name) where I was going to put all of my personal stuff, and then gabbott.xyz. I still have this latter domain and it just redirects to my current domain and the one I will stick with probably for the indefinite future, gabbott.dev.

But I wonder: what of posting under an alias?

I was for a while a fair time ago trying to think of internet aliases that might be good for me to use. And now I am considering (still haven't done it) using Mastodon, or trying it out a bit, and am facing the prospect of having all of the writing I have done - the wvs - which I am actually somewhat embarrassed about - being publicly accessible to read, I am rethinking this in a fit of emotion. I guess it comes down to that I don't really like my writing, the way I write, or in many ways the person I am. Or, the person I am as I write. I feel as if I often come across in a bad way, for good reason, and so am not really proud to have written what I have written... especially knowing that a lot of it was not very long ago. This obsession with self-improvement and my vices has come about mainly this year from April, and I have been writing about it; I just don't know if I really want it to be public. Why? I'm not sure it matters much if it is public, and it ultimately serves as a record of the flaws of my current self (multitudinous) for me to reflect upon and notice how I've improved in five, ten, years I hope.

So, I really just want to consider: what are the merits both of posting in different places, and of having different names for oneself? The joy is partly that one can adopt different personalities, or aspects of oneself, without exposing and linking it all back to oneself, in essence giving an outlet for the self without needing to say "and that's me".

Of posting in different places, I actually don't suppose there is a benefit. There may be a benefit of syncing everything posted, say, to Bear Blog, if that is what you want to have, or have it as a side-blog covering a different topic. For me, though, no benefit.

I suppose the way forward is to just suck up the shame. I have to understand that I am a flawed person; people will judge me; I will judge myself; I have uncountably many failures to my name: that is who I am. I don't suppose it's entirely bad to have it public. In a way, it is a kind of honesty, though I am not sure it is the good kind, or in a way, I feel perhaps for me it is not good to be honest in that way?

I wonder if it stems from an insecurity why I am considering an alias. That said, there is an aesthetic aspect to it too. The internet of aliases means that people, in being anonymous, can be more open and true-to-themselves, where this is not really the case I feel if you have existing insecurities (or similar). This is something that often doesn't happen in real life, where a lot of people do not fully open are, or aren't true to themselves, when talking to people, especially if they don't really know them well. That is likely a deeper problem, though, and so the issue of not being fully open to people in real life (or, inhibited, perhaps) is related to the issue of not being able to be fully open on the internet, when going by one's real name.

One thing I notice with going under the real name is that people tend to have website that are just professional: all they have on them is just the CV, some career stuff, what they do for a job, a photo, etc. I think a website could also include the work-based things, or work stuff could be kept completely separate from it. Really, I'm not sure about integrating work, and it really depends on whether work is a thing you do to get the money necessary to live (which is what it is for me) or if it is something you are truly passionate about. The latter class is of course preferable, but I'm not quite there yet... Will I ever be?

wv

As it goes, all of the the entries that I write under this wv are mostly getting feelings onto paper where it's a bit easier to process them. I have I suppose made my decision to be public and link it to my actual identity, and then I suppose any accomplishments I ever do in my life (and, if I keep writing this blog/whatever for countless years, then a veritable accumulation will at least exist) will show here, and I guess I can be proud of it? See, I think there must be a certain pride in, even if the writing to begin with is horrific and not at all representative of one's self, the transition in character over the years, visible in the words, would at least be something worthwhile. Maybe I'll become less rambly for instance? Though, if I've another 936 of these to write (see, 64 seems like an accomplishment until compared against the scope of the challenge)... I think I'll stay rambly.

That said. I do want to write a little in the way of fictional writing, and the link. I am not sure whether they belong under wv, or not... I think probably not, as they are less word-vomits than actual writing, in the form of fiction. Again, I really don't know what the scope of wv is, and how it compares to a blog, to prose or poetry if I ever write these... The argument, which I have in a way in my head, that if I will never get anywhere in terms of finishing this if I don't try pack everything and the dog into these doesn't really hold up to criticism: I probably won't get around to finishing it anyways, so trying to have it be a melting-pot of different styles and modes won't do. I need to make wv be unstructured, completely unstructured, writing, except for the rough imposition of a thousand words minimum; where prose has the constraint of a search for beauty; poetry that but in restricted writing form, whatever that may be; the blog potentially constrained then for life updates. So all of my ramblings that are pointless and just trying to make sense of my head are wv; life updates (the stuff people normally write on their websites, in other words) are blog; with any luck I can put things into prose and poetry sections, even though I've made very little in way of attempts to do anything for these yet. I think I want to try to become more artistic, creating something of a lasting beauty, not just scattered words, is all.

Well, whatever. I think that's helped me come to terms somewhat with the shame. I just need to remember: yeah, I do write in an abhorrent way, but that is me, now, and I can't shy away from it. I am trying to improve, after all. It'll be stashed away under the countless thousand words I'll have written by that time (whatever time it is), anyways. I've already written more or less 50k words in a month and a half. (I wonder if I could add monthly stats to my wv script to see what I've done each month - it could turn competetitive with myself, though). It'll be good in the end.

wv 0064. The leading zeroes clue me in: I'm still a long way from any kind of completion, and will be for many years. I'm going to have a lot of periods where I have nothing to write, too. I wonder, now I'm almost exhausting ideas, if I had any, if I'll have to face my first major writer's block soon. That'll be fun. I've had a few already, but they seem to disappear pretty soon... what if it is major?

Well, I guess I'll find out. 936 entries to go. Have a good one, all.

Neighbour's cherries

Mon, 14 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000

I feel as though I am always lacking. I think what it is is the multitude of reality that is offered to me through the internet, and the knowledge of an outside world that is so vast, and yet a lack of proper knowledge of that world; in that sense, I want to see the entire world, but of course have limited sight and attention, and so cannot see the entire world. Well, and this is just the earth, why there is a whole universe! And then to study history as well...

There is also the idea that things have in some way gone wrong in the modern day; in reality, there is a lot that is better. For instance, I would nowadays disavow to live in a place where modern sentiments, for instance regarding women, are not the norm. For instance, I would dislike to live in a place such as Saudi Arabia. Yet, that was all places before the modern era. In this way, there is only improvement in many areas, and others that lag behind. In terms of the urban environment, I think that a part of it is really that there is a lot of improvement, but because the improvement actually involves a regression to the old norm, and less of a modern fascination with cars, I find it to be more grating.

As a result, I am looking outside of myself for satisfaction, and outside of my present circumstance. I want my neighbour's cherries: that is the German equivalent of our saying 'the grass is greener on the other side' (Die Kirschen in Nachbars Garten sind immer süßer). The difference is really one of possession: in English, the saying implies that the state, or circumstance, is better (the grass being almost a background to existence) where in German it is very much about possession of an object: my cherries are sour; his are sweeter.

I wonder if a good portion of getting older is just about having a certain self-satisfaction with what is had. For instance, I may tour the world as a youth, trying to find the one thing; yet I return to my homeland as an adult, content with what it offered, and offers, me.

Also: In terms of the thousands project, this is a matter of building satisfaction with no external novelty, only the reward of my own labour. So, I can feel a contentment knowing I have achieved, yet have not any external thing, only the repeated action, and the resultant benefit. In this way, I learn to find satisfaction not in the external thing, but instead in the seeking of success from repetition.

Yet: Longing seems to eternally afflict me. I in a way think that I will be eternally dissatisfied if I seek satisfaction in the things that I can control, and can achieve over a period of time. For instance, I am still not happy as I surpass my ninetieth wordvomit; in fact, I find the contents of the majority of them to be woefully poor; the continuous writing in a way to be a waste of my time; the desire to feel content by a number denoting the extent to which I have dedicated myself to this waste of time pathetic; the relatively low percentage to which I have completed each of the matters pitiful. Even were the number higher, the overarching concerns would not diminish, and in fact would only augment; truly, I would then be very justified in the idea that I have wasted my time! Even the production of poetry produces in me no joy, except in the moment itself; my portfolio is small and not worth regarding; as with the art. My writing is non-existent and I haven't the faculties to produce anything of note; even had I these faculties, they would not be particularly special amongst my fellow men; even were they special, they would be trifling and insignificant relative to grander concerns. Furthermore, these skills do not translate to a good grasp of reality, nor to commendable social capacity, nor yet to important philosophical insight. Indeed, the words I write are altogether worthless.

Yet, I continue to write. I believe I will discover, once I have achieved a certain modicum of success in these ventures, and notice that I have got a large number in all the regards I wish to pursue; that I have drawn often and thereby gained a certain skill in that regard, and have become muscular through repeated visitation of the gym, and have a particular talent for writing, if in my future self, will all serve distinctly not to gratify me, rather to alert me that gratification is not to be found in these matters. Rather, I must likely be happy by way of being happy. Or perhaps there is something else that I am missing. Or, I could not wait until these things (potentially) occur, but rather seek enjoyment now.

And the question is really: what does make me happy? I think I am happy when I have something to focus on. For instance, I was happy when I was watching the opera. Or, perhaps I was just distracted, or had a focus. I think I am relatively happy when I am out walking. I think I am happy when I am writing, or reading. Often though, I write due to dissatisfaction, or a poor mood, and the writing is there to alleviate my mood.

When I am working I am not really happy, but rather am in a state where I am jumping from one thing to the other, and yet never really making good progress due to the endless stream of tasks. There isn't a point at which I can sit back and say, "I'm finished". Rather, there is perpetual work, which ultimately breeds dissatisfaction. At the allotment, there is a perpetual source of work, but also continuous reward for that (at least over summer). I am not sure whether the allotment is making me happy or not, though. I'm going to try pick it back up next year.

Is all this too in the weeds though? Is there some secret to being content? Is it to overcome all the flaws I have, myriad that they are? Is it to accept my flaws and my poor mood as a part of my life, and be satisfied with the happiness I can find?

And yet I think, there is such open expression of happiness between people; I notice that women do it particularly. They are open, and happy, and free, and so easily, without rehearsal or script, simply in the moment. I wish I could have that for myself! I wish I could be more emotive, more impassioned, more passionate, more immediate! Is it that I have never tried it? Is it that, today, when I went for breakfast, I asked 'un tavolo per uno, per favore' almost under my breath, and pronounced the grazie in the same manner, and wanted only water not wine for breakfast, and sat there docile and quiet, book in hand? Is that the sort of man I am? Is it unalterable? Is it terminal?

I am not sure if that form of outward happiness correlates to a true inward happiness; yet could it be any worse than my present circumstance?

And I'm meant to be happy on holiday, aren't I? It isn't like I'm not; but I am spending a few hours each day at the hotel, and getting my words out. I think that is just fine, as things go. I don't need to always be outside, and I still don't really know what I want to do when I'm on holiday. Do I have to always be out and about, seeing the infinitude of novelty? Or can I sit and write a little, and explore the infinitude of misery?

Maybe I'd be happier if I just did the former?

Have a good one.

A bit tender

Thu, 22 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000

It's only the morning, on the train to work, but I'm feeling a bit tender today.

I started last night to go to bed at twenty past ten, then realised I needed to go for a walk. So I did, and it was an hour and a half, and I returned at midnight, to get to bed and wake up at five. I know I dreamt, though I can't remember what of; I woke up at five-thirty though feeling as though I hadn't had enough time. Not that I hadn't slept enough, just that I needed more time. To sit, and think, or something like that.

Then I walked to work. I felt, as I say, a bit tender. On the verge of tears. I couldn't possibly cry - it's been years since I've cried at all, and I'm completely repressed in that way. Joys of being male. But I really didn't feel great.

On the station, I felt bad too; it smacks of the time three years ago when I wanted to move joy - I stood on the station and cried internally. I wonder if it is the time of year - 'September blues', of sorts. I felt this way Sept '21, but I'm not sure if I felt like it last year or the year before.

I'm not sure exactly what it is. I was thinking on the way here, I'd like to try see if this is a thing that happens every year around this time. Or be able to track when I'm feeling down and so work out what is going on, and what is causing the problem, a little better... Really, it could be any number of things. It could be work, it could be the mindset I've adopted over the past four months, the lack of philosophy, or just the more local tiredness... I am pretty tired, and have been going to bed extremely late the past while. I think that could go pretty far to explain it. Would I feel silly if I am contemplating it to be something deeper, more pressing, and in reality it was just a lack of sleep?

I know I do feel bad if I've gotten less than enough sleep. I read this morning a person's schedule where he only got five hours sleep a day. I couldn't muster that: I need at least seven to feel good. Today I only got five. I really ought to start re-prioritising sleep.

It seems as if, when I try to do something, things always slip out of balance somewhat. As in, in the last week, I've not practised guitar, not drawn, barely done any exercise (comparatively), not slept well, but have written a huge amount on wv (some nine entries), and have ... well I don't know what else. I have done some work on the new system (neo) and scripts for it, and the website. I suppose I've also wasted a lot of time.

Either way, things always slip out of alignment. One or two things is prioritised above other things, and I begin to lose a good sleep schedule, or eat poorly, or do not read or write much... then, I begin to feel worse and worse, as I am not putting my health and my interests to good effect, instead trying to maximise one particular thing at the expense of everything else. By way of this, I feel extremely weak and unhappy, and end up getting to a point where I'm not really able to cope. I feel tired, and drained, and miserable and so realise I have to bring things back into alignment.

The question is whether this is bad. Inevitably, as I am human, I will always let things slip if they stay too long the same. In fact, I sort of don't want that perfect life, where everything stays optimal, but at the same time I can never appreciate optimal. That is the inertia I feel when talking about a nine-to-five job for the rest of my life: maybe I want something different, instead of being forced into the same routine over and over. I want a shakeup occasionally. When I maximise one thing at the expense of everything else, and so fall into a bad mood, I understand the value of living a balanced life. I understand what it is, what it feels like, to be on both sides: virtue, and sin.

And so, I will continue to live like this, I think. Perhaps it is a seasonal thing, perhaps not. I suppose I need more years of evidence to confirm or disconfirm the theory. Regardless, it doesn't really matter. If I work on getting my sleep in a decent position, I can let it lapse here and there to fulfil the kind of disequilibrium that I require. Then I can let it return to normal, and get back into a decent routine. The thing I need to understand with routines is that it doesn't matter if it lapses a little, or if I have days where I don't do it, either due to lack of will or whatever else it may be. Instead, what matters is the aggregate: if I don't go to the gym one week or two or ten, it doesn't matter that much overall, but as long as I go most weeks, I'm set. I can gain muscle in that way, yes not as well, but still decently. Instead, I've spent this week not going to the gym, and feel fairly bad for it. I could just say, I'll pick it up next week, and as long as I do, that's good. In a year's time I'll see progress. In fact, I'm seeing it already: I can manage several pull-ups now I never used to be able to manage. I have larger biceps now than before. These kinds of things. Gradual gains.

On the guitar, I'm improving still, as well. It's just a matter of consistency: I need to keep on going, even if I miss a week or two I can't let it stop me. Perhaps the idea is to give priority to those things that are missed, so they can be brought back up to sleep.

Maybe. Ok, I'm going to sleep a bit now before I arrive. Have a good one.

Shy introversion

Tue, 17 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000

So, totally not in a desparate attempt to pad out words, I'm going to write about my day. It's late in the evening now (half seven) on the Tuesday, and I had the day off of work! For the record, I am currently sitting in bed, and for have have three carrots and some bread pudding my nan made me (that is very moist, and delicious - I swear she puts some kind of drug in the bread puddings she makes they are so good).

We went up to London today (which I suppose I would have done anyways for work) in order to go to the German embassy. We are applying for German citizenship: we can get it under a change to the citizenship laws and are able to apply until I think 2031. When we do get it, we can get dual citizenship which is good! So we took the District line from Tower Hill to Sloane Square, walked from there to the embassy, and submitted our documents (we had already filled out the application and prepared all the documents, and so we literally just gave them to the lady at the desk and she processed them and sent them to the citizenship office). Then because we had the day left, we went up to the V&A museum, had some cake, perused the art (there was a wonderful, vivid turquoise that was on plates in the Islam section - beautiful! I think it wouldn't have captured on a camera and we didn't take any photos there anyways). The renaissance section was lovely as well and likely what I will see a lot of in Bologna. The section on Japan was nice - samurai and kimono and the like, and also had a lot of Buddhist items. I notice how much my Japanese is failing me - I had a bit of a loss for words anyways during the whole day (I don't know if there is a good word for a loss of words (ironically) - I am not sure if aphasia is a bit too dramatic a choice) so much so that I actually couldn't even conjure up basic words like 'kabuki', or remember the word 'rakugo' when I wanted to talk about that. Not good... probably I was just tired.

Afterwards we had a nice meal at the Zizzi's by Tower Hill on the way back, for a sort of late lunch/dinner. The pizzas there are lovely, I had the spicy fake-meatball (vegan) one and some bruschetta (I adore bruschetta and make sure to always eat it at any chance I get - I had some my grandma made when I went round there for lunch one day - divine) which in itself was quite pricey.

London, though - everything is expensive. When we were passing through Kensington we stopped by the window of an estate agents to observe the house prices - all rented - and my god. The cheapest option, a two-bed flat, was £1100 per week. Not per month - per week! I genuinely don't know how people actually manage to afford that or think it is reasonable. The more expensive options were well above that - renting a five bed property was something stupid like £6000 a week. I wouldn't even last two months there before I've blown through my whole year's wages. The difference between the rich and the poor - well, really, I'm actually not all that poor, but it's just that I'm paid a normal salary. To even break even you'd have to earn £60k a year to pay for the property, and that's not counting living expenses - we stopped into a pharmacy to get some hand sanitizer - a small 50ml bottle was £3.99. Absolutely insane. The pizzas in Zizzi's were £16 and the bruscetta was £7.50. Just wow, London is truly something else. When my mum went to the embassy last time, a coffee and cake for three people came to £57. That kind of thing - it's just incredible how expensive it is.

Anyways, should I actually get on topic?

Shy Introversion

I was reading Mike Crittenden's blog, on a chain of different blog entries (hyperlinks are both the best and the worst thing - best for the internet and finding new people; worst for my time) - Avoid avoiding lead to Am I an extrovert or an introvert? and I wanted to write about that, this time.

Mike's conclusion was that he is a shy introvert, and honestly I think I am probably the same. I wonder if introversion has exemptions of sort for close members of family - I do not feel in any way drained when I speak to them. With friends I sometimes do, and sometimes don't. It's a bit vague and uncertain. Certainly though, I do enjoy going out on social occasions: for instance, whenever there are work-dos I always go out if I can, and I find I tend to stay out to be one of the last people out. In fact, there haven't been many work-dos of late (there was one maybe a month ago but it wasn't very good if I'm honest) and that does make me upset in a way - I want to socialise, and talk to people, and I do enjoy it and don't find it tiring. But, really, the thing I was to say is that, I almost disagree with the dichotomy of intro/extroversion in the first place. I think it is one of those things that becomes more important the more one thinks about it, and the more one comes to identify with it as an aspect of one's personality.

As in, I used to think about introversion and extroversion a lot. I was for a while very into trying to think of what exactly I was, whether I was just shy, or introverted, or extroverted, etc. and came to the conclusion as a teen that I was introverted. Yet, as I've grown up I've come to think less and less about it and now notice that... I don't care, really.

I feel the same about mental health and conditions. Now, I do get upset at times, and struggle with things as with everybody else, and for a while was wondering whether I was depressed. In fact, for a while I think I probably was, between the ages of sort of sixteen to nineteen - those were truly the worst days of my (twenty-three year - peh!) life. But I never went to the effort of trying to get myself diagnosed or anything, because it doesn't really matter, I think in the end. Really, I think that the psychological terms, like introversion or depression or this and that disorder really don't help. I am not sure fully how to articulate this. I don't want to say it is bad to reflect on feelings - rather, I feel that the psychological terms have pre-existing associations, and that by trying to ascribe the term to oneself tends to lead to aspects of it being attributed to oneself that aren't there, or a sort of self-affirmation into that state, if that makes sense. Sort of like how teenage girls can give themselves Tourette's syndrome because the content they see on TikTok.

I should probably try flesh this out, but I hope that makes sense. It is good to reflect, and to try to find terms, but using the pre-existing terms I think is a bad start.

That's all. I'm beginning to think that the wv is not a good format, in that it is conducive to writing too much, and saying things I don't want to say, in a way. Maybe I could write about that too, eh? I just almost think that being confined to having to write a thousand words is actually doing a bit of harm. I can't really write a thousand words well - I'm not good at it without rambling or covering multiple topics, and probably I should read more and try to learn instead of writing all the time. Maybe? In a way the writing is good for self-discovery, I'm just not sure it's helping.

Have a good one.

On Meditations: Book I

Sun, 11 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000

'to write my letters with simplicity'

I am often overly verbose, or write in a convoluted way... I suppose in academic writing it benefits me, but of course it is not a good practise generally. It also disguises my lack of a broad vocabulary - an issue I do not particularly seek to alleviate... simplicity does not mean inexactitude.

'to always be the same, in sharp pains, on the occasion of the loss of a child...'

Easier said than done. I think this could be interpreted as to not show emotion for the loss of a child, yet I believe any good man should. It is not unmanly to cry; yet to allow emotions to dominate one, or to act without reason, is unmanly, I would conjecture.

'From Alexander the Platonic, not frequently nor without necessity to say to anyone, or to write in a letter, that I have no leisure; nor continually to excuse the neglect of duties required by our relation to those with whom we live, by alleging urgent occupations.'

Interesting that even within Aurelius' time, the excuse "I'm too busy" was seemingly just as over-prevalent. I myself am guilty of saying this...

The endless journey

Fri, 18 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000

It is October, late October, I've only just realised. For eighteen days now I have been writing 2024-10 for each date; little did I realise, it was October.

And 2024. I remember when it was 2023, and 2022... well, not really, but I know there was certainly a point when those dates were the present, and I know that there was an entity with my form and my voice, that purported to be me as I now do, and that was around during those dates, doing something I know not what.

Meanwhile, I am here, truly me, the present me, the incontrovertible me, and I am surprised that it is October of 2024. Well, I've only existed for this month, and only ever will, but I guess I am born into this state to be surprised at the fact it is October 2024.

Now, each year is only one year, and I've many before, and many more after me. I'm only 23. I am still young until 25, and then in my twenties until 30, and then in my thirties (still fairly young!) until 40. I've many years to improve, I suppose, so why does it all feel so long? Why does it all take so long? Why do I feel as if I am endlessly trying to improve, and never really improving?

See, I have begun the /thousands project, and yet have not really improved at all in a way that feels... noticeable. Perhaps it is because I've put the bar too high, and in a way that is not really possible to reach. I can't really reach a thousand times going to the gym, not for many years yet, and I know as much. wv, which I am far enclosing on 100 entries written (10%), is again still very far from actually complete. If it took me three months of dedicated work to get to this point, then I'll have to continue in this way for another 27 months, or two and some years. Drawing, and guitar will all take ages too. I know as much. The only thing that won't is the press-ups and sit-ups.

Generally, I feel as if I am improving in life, but far too slowly. Of course, slow and steady wins the race, but also I feel as if it is ... too slow. As in, how long will it take me to get to a good point in terms of writing, or the blog, or anything else? I have improved in terms of diarising and logging, and still do have room to improve, but of course it's better than what it was. I have improved in 2022 (?) by switching to Linux. I improved in 2023 by learning about allotmenteering. I have improved in 2024 by going to the gym, and beginning wv, and continuing (after a long break) blogging, and that kind of thing.

Yet, though I think I have still improved, I don't feel as such. I feel as if I've still a long way to go. And I do. I am still suffering from the vestiges of the social malaise I used to have (inhibition and the like); I seem to still struggle with my mood. I have been told off at work a few times this year for not doing a very good job of managing my tasks. And all sorts of other things.

When will I feel as if I've done enough? Will I ever? Will I get to a point where I've got a bit of list of things that I've done, and I can say, yes, I've done well? Or, will I always feel lacking, as if I'm in this intermediate state, where I have done some of the way, but not enough to actually get anywhere? This is of one kind for wv, and the blog, which don't really matter much or correspond to a skill at all, but for the art, and for the guitar, I am doing it because I want to cultivate that skill. When will I get to a point where I can say, yeah, I am reasonably good at drawing? Or, to the point where I am able to play the guitar in front of people? I think it will take a very long time to cultivate that skill, but will I get to a point in a few years? Can I trust that I'll be in a better spot in October 2025?

I know it will require me to not switch my attention away from what I'm doing, and to continue doing what I can in terms of the things I want to progress. At the end of 2025, I will have, to have a list:

Ideally kept up the gym for a full year.

Ideally drawn almost every day for a full year.

Ideally practised guitar almost every day for a full year.

Will have continued doing my insurance exams, and the RHS course (at least the first exam).

Basically, I know I will have actually progressed by next year. I don't know; that isn't satisfying to me. That's saying: yes, you haven't improved yet, but you have another year to actually improve in... So I still have to continue to work next year to actually feel satisfied.

But, this year, have I done anything? Yes, I have! I'm in a much better shape than I was last year. I can do press-ups now which I couldn't before, and even a few pull-ups which were completely out of my reach before. I've made a decent body of work in terms of wv, blog, and the few poems I've written. I have actually done stuff! Yes, it's nothing incredible, but I shouldn't deride myself by saying I've done nothing.

Maybe, next year, I'll have the same issue, and have made proper progress, and still be thinking I've done nothing at all this year.

Have a good one.

What is this tenderness?

Mon, 14 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000

This is not my first wv on having a tender feeling - I have already done 0033, 0034, and 0077 on this feeling. It is fairly new to me; I only really think I have started to get it a few months ago. Before this, I did remember getting the feeling which I described as 'man on the station platform crying'. It was around November 2021, and I had a series of days where I would stand on the platform, waiting for my train to work, and I felt as if I was on the brink of tears. I've gotten that feeling a few times since: once at work, for instance, where I had to go to the toilet for about ten minutes and not cry, but just let myself sit. See, I can't really cry, being a man, nor do I really want to. Even alone in my hotel room now, I couldn't cry. I'm trained not to.

I've taken to calling it a tender feeling, as that is sort of what it is. The emotional equivalent of skin that is weak, and gives way to the touch, without any resistance. The notion that a light breeze could obliterate the dam, and let loose the teary deluge.

I really don't know what it is. The feeling is new to me, at least it seems; it is not the usual low mood that I often have.

I wondered, as I was walking along to the pizza place (I wanted pizza) if the low mood was as a result of my wanting to talk to people, to be social. See, I have been here for three days now, and have not really talked to anyone. I think that is making me struggle in a way; I want interaction, more properly. I want someone to talk to. The language barrier means that I can't even really banter with the staff at restaurants; rather, I struggle to even say basic things. I wanted to say that the table had no number tonight when asked to pay at the front desk, and struggled to say 'tavolo non ha numero', whereat the waiter simply said 'ventuno' that I at least understood after making him repeat it once. I then was awkward when approaching to pay, as I did not really know where to go. I don't really have the confidence in myself, and that is a thing that often happens, but particularly in this tender state: I am almost zombified, not able to spring from the one point to the next without direction. Shunning to talk to someone, I instead loitered around until directed to talk; I then did so, and paid for the meal. I don't even remember how much it costed, and it was in Italian so there is a mental barrier to overcome when translating the words. I don't have the energy for it. I want to be in bed, not able to cry. That is tenderness.

I won't be social tonight, as I will struggle to. In fact, I also did not have wine tonight, rather stuck with water. Tomorrow then I will try for wine, perhaps. With any luck, I will be in a better mood then. I could potentially visit one of the enotecas, and just have a glass there. Or, I could have a glass at lunch in Florence (will I visit tomorrow? Yes, I think so) and try to get used to it, see how it goes. All about trying new things. I probably should learn more Italian so I can say "I've never had wine before so a beginner's wine please" or something like that. Oh, the language barrier is really painful.

Do I want to go to an Irish bar tomorrow? probably not, but I did get it recommended to me from someone at work, and it would be good to try to talk to people a little.

That is the thing. I don't know if this tenderness is as a result of loneliness, and normally I can go quite a while without social interaction with people. Here, I am almost cut off from the entire rest of the population by way of my not understanding the language. I wish I could. It makes life so much easier...

Or, potentially even it is a sugar crash: I did have a lot of sugar earlier (60g) in the form of chocolate flavoured biscuits (I bought them to tide me over for the long walk; it turned out not to be that long and I finished the packet once I got back to the hotel). I think I need to learn my lesson in terms of ultra-processed food that I really actually can't control myself around it (or food in general) so need to avoid it and only eat healthy things. Potentially, that is the reason for my poor mood. Potentially also, if I were better at tracking things like this, I could identify whether when I had this mood before if I also had eaten a lot of sugar...

Sullying wv

I don't know whether this kind of thing is good or bad to do. I feel as though wv is almost being sullied a little, and is essentially turning into the place where I ramble when my mood is down. In a way that has value; wv is mostly for myself, as is all my writing; I can use this to figure out what exactly the tender feeling is, and how to deal with it. Potentially if there are any readers, which I highly doubt, they can get something out of my rambling about emotions, even just if they feel the same in some way and are comforted to know that another person feels the same way.

I also have to realise that I have 1,000 entries to play with. I'm not even 10% of the way to completion; I have plenty of time to ramble about emotions and all manner of other things. Perhaps later on, I will end up being better able to express useful ideas. For now, I see no real problem with wv as a dumping ground for emotional troubles; they would ordinarily go into some kind of writing anyways, and still can, except that they can go here as well.

Have a good one.

I'm not the man you think I am

Sun, 06 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000

I could be a young, emotional teen eternally trapped in the body of an older man, for I've been this way since my my late teenage years and all the way into my early twenties where I am now, and I imagine I still will be well into my thirties, or fourties...

I'm not the man you think I am. I'm listening to The Smiths years later than I really should. Sorrow's native son, etc.

So, it gets me to thinking, am I the man you think I am? Will I ever be the man you think I am? Or rather, will the man you think I am ever be the man I am?

On the blog, there is potentially the chance for me to be fairly honest, and give a good amount of detail about my life and who I am as to be genuine, but I cannot write everything down, and inevitably there will be aspects of my life that have to be filled in by a prospective reader, even just because I am too wordy and write more than can really be read. I don't expect anyone to read the hundred thousand words I've written so far, but really instead maybe just to dip in and out as they are bored, if anything, if I even have readership at all. And can you separate the metaphor, or the words that are only chosen by a particular emotion? Can you discern the self that is not represented, representable, desiring to be represented, in words: the self when the self does not desire to describe itself?

I wonder then, is there anybody on this planet I am altogether honest with? Certainly, and perhaps by necessity, myself. I am (with some censorship) true to myself on this blog and in these wordvomits, and so potentially in that way have a degree of honesty. I am not honest with my family: there is a certain intimacy with them, that comes from being family, and them being very upclose able to see my faults, myriad as they are, but also I do try to converse with them in a certain way, and wonder if the mode of conversation I adopt with my family is entirely true to myself. I don't go out of my way to lie, nor do I feel particularly as if I act to deceive them, yet I do certainly hide certain aspects of myself at particular times (I think that holds true for everyone)

In a way too, I am different from person to person. Not as if I am totally different, but in a sense that I constrain aspects of myself to those with are easily conversible with a particular person, or say things I know will be funny to the person (perhaps because of their knowledge). For instance, if I know person X likes T, I may joke about T, but not do so to person Y, as only X likes T not Y (Y may not even know what X is), where Y make like, say, U instead (and I will talk about U with them). In that sense, it is say similar to if one had reading friends and you talk about reading and books with them, but do not go into that detail with another person who has no interest in reading. Is that being true to oneself? Or, potentially slightly different, what of joking in a manner than suits a particular person? For instance, not being quite so sarcastic around someone who doesn't understand it well. Hmm.

Now, in terms of being honest to oneself, there is potentially that I am just misunderstanding it, and really it refers to not putting yourself in an unpleasant situation for a prolonged period of time, or keeping a friendship alive when it would naturally dwindle for some other reason. As in, there is that kind of natural reaction "I'm uncomfortable around this person", or "We aren't really getting on". I have the problem that (owing due to a personal fault) I occasionally can't disinhibit around someone, and so the conversation sort of dissipates by way of my lack of conversation. Of course, that gets counted as "not being myself", though to be inhibited comes naturally to me. It feels a bit arbitrary as advice, really. Here's a youth trying to figure out what's really meant by that: did I ever take it seriously?

Readership

I am pretty content at the present that I am writing so much (thousands of words) and have nobody who reads them. I feel as if this in some way lifts a weight from my shoulders: in fact, I don't have an RSS feed yet, and so it is highly unlikely that anyone who comes onto my site will actually continue to read anything I write, because the effort of typing in the URL is too great. For as long as I don't have an RSS feed, I can sort of get away with this; of course, sooner or later I will add one, and then I might have to contend with people really reading what I write...

The thing is, I also am avoiding interpersonal interaction on the internet in the fear that people might read what I write, which certainly is embarrassing, but I suppose is... good. I think it is sort of the fear that teenage boys (and oh, myself) have before girls, that in some way there is something to be lost by interaction, or by judgement, or by being seen by others... Of course also, I think it probably is what I want from my time on the internet, and doing this IndieWeb, personal web, thing. After all, the point is to interact with others! I read others' blogs and don't seem to really think about it in any untoward way, though it does seem to have more substance than just "content": it prompts me to think, and I enjoy to read about others' lives and thoughts. Each has their own perspective, sometimes very defined to the extent that I can pen them as "the X one" in my head, almost stereotype them by their own actions.

This comes up in my mind as I've read the blog post by Lou Plummer about reaching out and showing appreciation for the writing that others do, and to show that they are read, and appreciated. I do want to, but I suppose the fear is... I don't want to reach out and do that. I want to stay in the shadows. I suppose this intermediate state of being both in the public and not seen is too nice; perhaps that's what's nice about the city. But isn't a rural life nice too?

(As an aside, the metaphor of the IndieWeb as a rural village parish, and the mainstream web as the urban city has too many parallels...)

Have a good one.

Diesmal auf deutsch! (partly, at least)

Sat, 31 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000

Heute möchte ich ein bisschen auf deutsch schreiben, denn ich habe seit so langem kein deutsch geschrieben und fast keines gehört, was ja ziemlich... leider ist, wenn das richtig deutsch ist. Also ich weiß ja nicht ob mein deutsch gut oder schlecht ist, es ist ja keine Muttersprache für mich, und ich habe seit zwei oder drei Jahren nicht versucht, besser fähig zu werden, so ist es eben.

Heute regnet es. Der Himmel ist grau (normal in England) und alles ist ganz... wie heißt es denn wieder, jetzt wird mir ganz bewusst dass deutsch eine zweitsprache ist... müde, traurig, irgendwie dreckig, vielleicht erbärmlich könnte man sagen. Ich kann es nicht genau ausdrücken. Ich bin um acht aufgewacht und habe eineinhalb Stunde gar nichts gemacht. Nicht mal lesen, oder denken, oder schreiben, oder schlafen... ich habe die Zeit verschwendet, squandered wie ich auf Englisch sage. Vielleicht wäre verprasst ein besseres Wort, da wenn man etwas verprasst bedeutet das normalerweise dass man Geld oder irgendwas wertvolles sozusagen wegwirft, oder an einem unrichtigen oder unnützlichen Ziel spendet (merkst du hier dass ich keine Muttersprachler bin?).

Es dauert so lange nur ein tausend Wörter auf deutsch zu schreiben; es ist irgendwie ganz schwierig.

Was möchte ich heute tun? Weil es so nass ist (wegen dem Regen) kann ich, oder will ich, nicht zum Schrebergarten gehen. Ich kann da fast gar nichts machen; es ist dies Jahr keine Ernte, keine Freude... Ich will auch nicht zum Cafe gehen, denn ich spende (verprasse?) da soviel Geld, so um dreißig Pfund jedesmal, und muss anfangen ein bisschen geiziger zu sein. Lesen? Ja lesen kann ich, ich lese zurzeit The Extended Phenotype, von Richard Dawkins, was ja ziemlich interessant ist, obwohl ich nur ein Kapitel gelesen habe.

Was noch? Ich muss ein bisschen aufräumen, und die Wasche erledigen, und kann auch schreiben, oder Italienisch studieren. Ich heute mir entschieden den (?) Blog von earendelmir zu lesen, denn er (?) schreibt ab und zu Italienisch, was ja gut ist, denn ich kann etwas interessantes und wirkliches lesen, und damit Italienisch studieren. Ich will in Oktober nach Italien reisen, mit dem Flugzeug, und in Bologna eine Woche lang bleiben. Flugzeuge sind mir ganz unerkannt (?) und ich weiß nicht genau wie ich es schaffe. Ich denke ich kaufe Ryanair, und gehe nach Stansted, denn die Flugkarten sind billiger (nur GBP150 oder so ungefähr; wenn ich von London City fliege wäre das ja GBP300 oder so).

English

Ok, I'll give up. It's surprisingly slow to speak German, I suppose as I'm not fully used to it anymore. I guess that is how it is. And here I am, now trying to learn Italian instead... well, it's all for fun.

I also need to submit my RHS module 4 by about the 10th of September to be on time still (no hard deadline except that which I set myself) so I should put an hour or so in to work on it. I just need to finish a couple questions, and do the one big thirty mark question, and then I've done the first half of the course. Then, I've got an exam to do, which will involve going down to Devon. I'm not sure if I have to do that before I do module five or not, but hey. I really don't know how much I'm learning from this course, but it'll be a qualification, if I want to then go into horticulture at any point, and something to add to my CV.

Of course, I'm working in insurance at the moment, but I'm unsure on the industry (not in the selfish, "oh I don't know if there's money in it", because of course there is, but as in, I don't know if I want to have to stick around London, or not just go about in Europe whilst I'm still young, or if the industry itself is firstly completely moral (I don't think it is; it feels like it's a bit sinful in how much it concerns about money) or enjoyable. I haven't enjoyed my job the last week, because really of my own fault, that I messed up badly. In a way, I feel as if I am not really enjoying working as much as I thought I would. I'm not sure why. I decided I didn't want to pursue software dev as it might kill my enjoyment of it, and now I think, insurance is sort of killing itself for me. I'm not enjoying it, overly. I haven't been for a while.

It's difficult, and I don't know where I want to work or what I want to do. Really, I guess I want it both ways; I want to earn enough money, but enjoy the job, and of course I suppose I need a good amount of talent that I don't have for that, and the industry itself needs to be profitable. I suppose most people are just making enough money to pay rent, and then have to find other ways to enjoy life, and it's not as if I want to be rich, just that I don't want to have to worry about money... I'm really still undecided about what I want in life, is what I'm saying, and I do not believe insurance is where I want to stay for my whole life. I am generally demotivated at work, and just do what I need to. Well, the problem I think I have at work is that there is so much work to do, and so little time. There is almost more work than there is time for, and everybody is hassling for things to be done. I suppose one part for me would be to try to alleviate the amount of work that I need to do, such that I can not struggle so much. Wow, I write a lot quicker in English than I do in German... And in Italian, I'm dead slow. Of course, that will improve, gradually. I've got a month, still. And ten days I suppose.

So, today. Weather's meagre; I will stay indoors for the day, tidying up my room, doing washing, reading a bit of Dawkins, studying Italian and reading earendelmir's blog, etc.

I could probably use pandoc to convert my documents to HTML... Instead of writing it all myself. That way, I only need to deal with the title and the date of these documents separately, and can do that pretty easily. I think that will be better than me trying to implement it myself, at least just to get it done.

Actually, I've just tried it and it's terrible. Incredibly slow, and doesn't handle ul. Honestly, will be best to write it myself then.

Anyways, I'll get on with it. Have a good one.

A prospective for 2025

Sat, 17 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000

It's a little early, but I'm going to try write a prospective for 2025. I will try to see what kinds of things will interest me, what will be that which I work on, etc.

I've been working a little on a C script to try get the wv (currently just text files, in a Markdown like format) entries to be in HTML, but I'm not that experienced in C, and it's very fiddly managing individual bytes etc., and with off by ones, pointer arithmetic, etc. But it's fun, and hopefully I'll get it done soonish. I don't really program that much anymore, but working on the new setup, scripts, etc. is certainly making my computing experience more pleasant (river on Wayland feels like dwm, but nicer) and is good practice for me to program.

Anyways, I want to try to predict what I will do in 2025. What will I be focussing on?

Currently, I'm on my self-improvement arc, and am trying to overcome bad vices, as well as build good habits going forwards. I want to get to a state where I can succeed, and accomplish something, I guess. Currently, my focus is on my physical form, by going to the gym, and my music ability in terms of guitar. I am also trying to work on my social capacity, however this is rather taking a backseat to the first two.

Last year, I began to work on the allotment, and gardening, which has been great fun, and kept me very busy last year. This year, though I have certainly still been gardening, I've been to the allotment far less. I got a bit dispirited by all of my crops getting eaten by slugs, my carrots failing to germinate, my Jerusalem artichokes dying in the last frost, and so on. Now, it's in a bit of state, but it will all die back over winter, so I've a fresh start next year. And I've learnt a fair bit.

So, next year. I really currently have three things I am focussing on, as stated: guitar, gym, and allotment.

Next year, I want to manage my time better a bit. I of course do have limited time, and the gym takes a lot of time, the allotment too, and guitar too. I suppose next year, I need to continue the gym, however...

The gym to me feels like a temporal liability. It takes a long time, and if I want to keep on improving (or even keep even once I'm no longer interested in gaining muscle). However, I must continue it for at least all of 2024 and all of 2025, and can decide then if I want to continue it, or reduce the amount I go, or bring it home by buying weights for home use, to save a little time.

In terms of guitar, it would be a pointless investment if I do not actually continue it likewise, with around half an hour each day, and so I should also continue that. I think I will for both of these as well, as they are a sign of a victory, in a way. Of course, I know I won't feel any happier once I've gotten to a good point with them, but nonetheless...

In terms of the allotment, I really want to have it be better next year. I want a decent show. I will grow things that provide a good, consistent yield, without being too labour intensive. I have also learnt quite a lot from this year, which has been an abject failure, honestly... But next year will be better for the allotment, I hope.

So, how do I schedule it? I want to have, say, thrice weekly gym and allotment, as well as guitar for half an hour each day. I will additionally need to continue to do my RHS, work of course, and should read, etc. Sort of, it racks up.

If I plan it in terms of time, I can have six hours each week to the gym. This will be Monday and Friday morning, and Wednesday evening. Guitar will be in the morning ideally every morning, before I do anything else, for a half hour. I suppose I can't do it before gym - I wake up at half five to get to the gym for six, then return about eight and need to eat breakfast before work...

But regardless, I can very easily fit in a half hour to each day for guitar. I can also manage thrice weekly gym. For the other days (Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday evening) I can go to the allotment. Study can be handled on the six hours of sitting on the train I get per week.

I aim to stop going to the cafe to study over the weekend. It has been a good tradition, but is very expensive, and would be better served by me going elsewhere. The allotment would be a good shout. I can produce my own food (falafel wraps, for instance) and can then simply sit and study as I want, where I want.

(As an aside, what can I do in terms of the milkshakes I won't get... well, I can just make my own milkshakes, can't I? Fun.)

I do like the routine I've built up though. I think it does me well, but of course I need to be better in terms of managing my time. In terms of wv, I want to write more often... I suppose I could write one a day if it does only take a half hour if I do it quickly, though this one has taken me an hour and a half as I have been taking my time.

I additionally do want downtime, the ability to nap of an afternoon, etc. And I need time to work on the new system and scripts. Really, I feel as if time is the largest thing limiting me at the moment.

Is there anything else I will want to do next year? Likely, yes. I think I will want to try to be more sociable, though likely it is best to work on that in terms of the existing social relations which I have, as opposed to building new ones. I do perceive my social relations (i.e. count of friends) to be inadequate, but that is not a problem for now, I think. I also do not really have the means to find new friends at the moment, in terms of time and schedule. Perhaps changing my schedule so that I meet new people will be something I can work on next year.

Art would be something worthwhile to pursue as well next year, a little more than I pursue it currently. Perhaps I could allot a full hour each day to guitar and art, which would be good.

Ok, well, that's all really. I guess I have no real ideas for what to do next year, and will work it out with time, but I think continuing with what I'm already doing would be best. Hopefully by the end of 2025, I'll be good in terms of guitar, allotment, and gym!

I recall hearing about how it's better to go deep into one thing as opposed to trying to spread yourself over many things. So for me, just doing these two or three things is not spreading myself too thin, and I will make good progress on them.

Nice! Ok, have a good one. I'm writing a lot of wv today and yesterday...

Consistency isn't a story; achievements are (+ rambles)

Sun, 15 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000

wow, a second wv today! I actually should be going to bed, I've work and gym tomorrow. I've to pay my brother fifty quid if I don't do the gym, so I know I am not doing good to myself... (the money would go to charity really, but still I don't want to lose it!)

I just want to write quickly. When I think about the future, and the usual proscription of having something to tell your grandchildren, I think: well, is that not limiting to the activities you can do? For instance, if I were to uphaul all that I am currently doing, my work, my savings, and go travel the world, burning through my savings, I'd build countless memories - but I would be doing something arguably irresponsible. Meanwhile, for instance, to abstain from doing too much foreign travel, because of the climate impact, or to responsibly work towards a singular goal does not have the ability to tell anyone about it; it has no conversational value. Likewise, if I were to just practise guitar, even if I were to become good at it, it would have no conversational value in itself; the value would come, for instance, from joining a band and touring about, and generating the memories in that way.

And so, I suppose the realisation from this is that an activity is never worth it in itself; in fact, any act is perhaps only to be valued (for a person) interpersonally... when I was younger, I had a scorn, disdain for the interpersonal, and deemed it and people pursuing such as lower in some way, as if I, by not doing that, was in somewhat a more intelligent creature. It sort of is the attitude of Araragi in early Monogatari series, where he does not want friends because of (a sheerly logical argument) that to have friends would reduce his strength as a person. I had a similar mentality that it was a lower pursuit, sort of the attitude of a monk who looks down upon those sex-havers. Motes and logs is an endless, and timeless, corrective.

In fact, when I look at my writing, I am quite critical of others, and have been more than is good for me. Really, I'm pretty critical of myself too. For instance though, wv 0055 (Cityitism), though expounding a theory that I developed before, and I am not so sure of (or well, it's more that it is likely just a collective term for a set of personality characteristics that I deem to predominate in the city), is a critical theory. It's kind of written in an ugly tone, if that makes sense. I am not really sure on a good tone to adopt, or whether anything that comes from me has a feeling of being corrupted, written in an ugly sense...

Anyways, the title is clickbaity: what I wonder is, what is it that constitutes a story? There are several things to break down here: is it good for an aspect of life to make a story? What is a story? What aspects of life are conducive to narration or retelling? Is an action not retold wasted?

The latter one has a similar kind of feeling to the modern worry that some people, younger, on social media, do not seem to enjoy something happening for its own sake, but rather feel the need to film everything, and share it about, with the idea that if it doesn't capture well on film it was not good/worth it. I'm not really sure on the mindset of other people, so can't really speak about people who film a lot (I don't film much of at all, though I do take pictures when on holiday - I discussed this in a previous wv, 0020 - light years in the past!), but think that probably, there is a similar concern and that I should wonder whether I actually need to retell things. That said, there is also the fact that life is about the interpersonal, something I need to learn a bit more about - I'm not scornful of the idea anymore, and in fact am not resentful of myself for deriding it when I was young, and for now not having the kind of social capacity that would be useful.

I think probably it doesn't need to be told. But then, it would be a waste in a way to go out of the way to avoid trying to get the social connection with it, if social matters is to be human...

Hmm. I can't make many words out of this one. I just kind of wanted to get the idea on (metaphorical) paper.

Ideas for future wvs

I've made it to 0062, despite running out of ideas at the 6th entry. I guess I can just keep writing, and I will always find the words, even if there are occasional lapses. I don't write anything of use, and of course that is good in a way - I can just get the words on paper and occasionally come up with good things, but generally it is pretty useful. I notice, actually, that I don't really have any new ideas, but really just have those that I had from before. I am pulling from an empty well, of sorts, and there is no water coming up anymore... I'm trying to make the absolute most of the few drops I do get. That is in a way the problem of trying to write a million words with less that a million ideas. Or even a million seconds of thought.

As for future wvs, I think I could explore faults in my person a little more. There are many; it will involve a little bit of thought before I do these, though, and probably should go hand-in-hand with deeper reflection. For instance, my being critical is one that I would like to write about; also how to write in general, and how to practise writing: currently I write uselessly, because I am untrained in a sense.

I also need to figure out a way to deal with the problem of guitar, and that kind of thing, where it seems to fall by the wayside.

I would like to write in Italian a little more, too. I should try to use other languages, at least to try to improve...

I also should try out different systems for trying to improve and manage tasks, although in a way it feels as if I'm on the cusp of one that works... So, I need to separate out the act of receiving a task from processing it, and strive to keep things in a consistent state. I can know then when my work is done, because it all kind of becomes zero... In other words, inbox zero might be the thing that helps me. I have not done the programming problem for a few days, and need to think about what I'm going to do for "unfinished" things that I have no urgency to complete, so they are not really on the backlog, more of a "can do this at my leisure" kind of thing - in terms of things that are urgent would be anything that requires a proper action. That should be done as soon as possible, really.

I think having an end goal like that would also make it easier for me to pick up where I've accumulated a backlog: I know when I'm done, and can just slog through everything until I'm back to inbox zero. Could work? That would probably require using the e-mail inbox (or maybe my gtd inbox and tasks list) as the source of what needs to actually be done. Hmm...

Well, have a good one. I need to go to bed soon.

On taking photos

Mon, 05 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000

I've been listening to the Chris Williamson podcast a little recently (transitioning from Diary of a CEO - all the media I really engage in nowadays is podcasts - I suppose this is better as it's longform, but also I think that it is a vice in a way) with Freya India, where she mentioned some things that were downright unbelieveable. For instance, she mentioned that among young people, screen time is an average of 11 hours per day - wow! and that there is even a trend of having phone cases and T-shirts with your antidepressant medication, and that things like 'sexy girls take sertraline' is actually a saying now. Downright unbelieveable, but I guess I do see young children on their phones perpetually, even at extremely young ages (kids of probably five holding a phone that's twice the size of their hand - and it's their phone, not their parents) and I suppose they do something on their phone. I'd like to write and dissect all the ways that corporations abuse people nowadays. It seems that companies are given far too much freedom, and are now capable of doing disgusting things to people with almost no repercussions... well, they always were, I guess. That's for another wv. The culture today is very odd.

Anyways, it was mentioned that there were people who even take photos at childbirths, recording it and posting it to social media or something. Of course this is absurd, but I think I should think about what is good in terms of taking photos. For holidays, but also for meals, selfies on days out, etc. Not that I really do it, but is it good?

I suppose I should take several typical examples and evaluate them. It will be entirely opinion based, non-factual, etc.

The examples I will give are: 1) taking photos of a view on holiday; 2) taking photos during, e.g. a meal with family or friends; 3) taking photos of myself in private; 4) taking photos demonstrating actions performed; 5) taking photos of a notable occurrence for the purpose of sharing it with others.

Views on a Holiday

Firstly, taking photos of a view on holiday: I do this. Ever since I was a teenager I wondered whether I really should, and I'm still conflicted. The problem is that taking a photo is a sacrifice: I sacrifice the current pleasure for a potential future pleasure, namely in observing the photos. Occasionally this future pleasure is realised, however often it is not, and the photos goes unobserved or unenjoyed in the future.

The issue is of losing the present moment, which for a view is the observance and enjoyment of the view itself, coupled with the surrounding atmosphere and any exertions required to attain the view, for the sake of the view (visible only) being preserved for a future self. Is this desirable? Or do I just want to enjoy something in the present?

If I do not take photos, I will have nothing I can look back on. For certain holidays this is ok - I enjoyed my stay at Draycott/Cheddar for instance (in Nov 22) but never really look back at the photos. Honestly, what I got most out of that holiday were things I did not take photos of: the hullabaloo surrounding the public transport situation there; the evening staring up at the wonderfully black night sky, tea in hand and somewhat chilly; the hour long walk in the baking sun with no water; the chats with the people at the bus stop; the depression I felt upon entering Cheddar for the first time and noticing the traffic and the tacky touristiness; locking eye contact with a nearby goat for the better part of ten minutes; the people about Cheddar avoiding eye contact as I went past them, as were it London; the man who I walked and chatted with for the second half of the Gorge walk; the defeat I felt realising that I was a part of the problem, as I bought some (quite tasty) chips in the tourist district of Cheddar. None of this can be captured adequately on film. It's either social, situational or emotional. It's not a view, nor a still image, nor a motion.

When I went to the Peak District with my friend, I took my camera with and took many photos. I don't look at them. Many of the photos were very nice, but again it is not really what I care about. I recall the memory of the people at the inn; the singular pub where I ate the same meal for five days in a row (linguini) to the extent that I barely needed to specify it; the charity event in the old school, where I bought some books for my brother and some delicious homemade redcurrant jelly; the mountain bike shop opposite our accommodation; the difficulties with preparing food and accessing the fridge; the mountain walks we did; on the way to a mountain climb, seeing and chatting to the people we met at the Devil's Arse; speaking of, the interesting place names within the Devil's Arse; the beauty of the village, oh I can't remember the name, where we went into the caves; the graves at the church, whose surnames matched those of the members of the church register; the grave of Jane Eyre... I could continue to enumerate, but the importance of all of these is the memory, less so the qualia of the experience itself.

And so, what of photos? Do they do any good?

I would continue to say they do in a way, or that at least they are worth taking, but importantly they should not predominate. Once the camera, and the taking of photos, seems a burden, it must be put in its place. Additionally, there are certain aspects of the joy that are inherently based on the qualia: the tree curved so as to appear as a letter C; the winding trees of the forest path; the comedic poses we assumed within our photos, for instance... These necessitate photography, do they not?

Taking photos during a meal with friends or family

I think that taking photos during a meal with friends or family (selfies, as they usually are) fails the qualia vs. memories test as above. For the qualia of eating a meal - the appearance of the food, the lighting of the restaurant, etc. - generally are not important as compared to the company one is with, the conversation, the enjoyment, and the feeling of satiation derived from the food, among other things. Little of this is visual and so able to be captured. For instance, whilst the food itself is able to be captured - and potentially the food itself is captivatingly beautiful - the primary pleasure of food is in the eating, which cannot be captured. Likewise, the social exchange cannot be captured (only the words, intonations, expressions, etc. which are a paltry representation of the mostly mutually internal nature of social exchange); the satiation obtained from the food cannot be captured. If the lighting or atmosphere of a restaurant can be captured, the corresponding expression of this within the body cannot.

Then, what is the value of photography here?

I suppose partly it is social itself. One takes a photo so as to demonstrate visually to another the occurrence of the social event. For instance, a photo may be taken of the company which is then sent (via Whatsapp etc., generally during the social event itself, ironically losing that portion of the social event and potentially causing displeasure to any interlocutors in that moment) to another party in a co-occurring conversation. This is a loss of immediacy in the social event, though one many are inured to.

And so what of this? Potentially it is harmless, reflecting merely the greater need of senses starved of imagination for the bread of visual stimulation. Oh, they're sated already. Yet, though in this way vicious, it potentially is a symptom of a malaise, and not a poor act in itself. The problem with a fever is the sickness.

Taking photos of oneself in private

Fine, I would say. I do this every now and then (really no more than every two months) to see how my body is changing over time, or in response to exercise performed, etc. So long as it does not become an obsession, and is used for the stated purpose (i.e. to provide a visual on the aspects of the body that have changed, and to identify areas of improvement) I cannot see any real harm.

Taking photos demonstrating actions performed

For instance, I recently sent my grandma photos showing a before and after of the leek bed, since she would not be able to see it otherwise. Personally, I think this is fairly harmless, and brought her some degree of pleasure - in that way, the act was benefactive and non-malicious. It (I believe) succeeded in the intended purpose of bringing her pleasure.

Perhaps, in a way, the social event one is of a similar nature? I suppose this again is a matter of qualia vs. memories... though memory is a bad word here. I mean to say: the different between the immediate stimulus and that which follows it, the emotional response. For the viewer of the image sent, there is a pleasure not in the immediate stimulus, the qualia, but rather in the vicarious enjoyment of the social situation. This can be performed with lesser means, e.g. mere words, or later conversation, and so... ought? I don't know if I want to get normative here, but via negativa is generally a good rule.

In the image I sent of the leek bed, there was no way to convey the stimulus (which was inherently visual, though potentially the pleasure was a step removed, being the labour that was necessary to produce such a sight) save for imagery. As such, I believe it was a valuable use a photo.

Taking photos of a notable occurrence for the purpose of sharing with others

Related to both the second and fourth points. Here I am speaking of, e.g. noticing a, oh let's pick something out of thin air, red squirrel, or a fox eating grass (of which I, for some reason, possess a video) and taking the photo. Then distributing it to others (or potentially even not).

I'm not really sure. I hesitate to say social photography (social media is not social, really, but I mean either instant message or real life) is to be avoided, but I suppose it could be accomplished with lesser means.

Conclusion

Oh, I don't know. As for holidays, a few photos is okay, particularly where the qualia itself is the subject and not anything emotional - this will comprise precious few of the actual worthwhile memories of a holiday. As for in social occasions, likely not. As for demonstrating actions performed, likely only if the immediate qualia is the subject of concern and there is no lesser way to demonstrate the action. Potentially even pleasure is the main concern - the main reason I dislike people taking photos during meals is that they inevitable go about texting it to everyone, and "oh I won't be a minute", and before long I'm sitting there thinking "I would rather like to talk to you right now, but clearly you have other concerns". It's a loss of attention for immediate moment, and I am always on the receiving end of it (I don't do it to others as it is impolite, others do it to me (and everyone else too)). I just think, if I had a book, I wouldn't just open it and go "oh won't be a minute" in the middle of a conversation. The focus should be on the other person, not on something of mine.

Rambling now. I think I am not clearer in my head than I was before, though the distinction between qualia and memories may be useful to heed. Generally, I think I will try minimising photography to only those matters that are qualia pure. That way, I retain better the parts that are memories.

Have a good one.

Feeling tender - again

Sat, 28 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000

It's one of those days. I went to town to the cafe today as usual, and read a chapter and a half of Dawkin's Extended Phenotype as well as studying a few pages of the book in Italian (struggling to understand, but it'll come along). I had my usual cake, milkshakes, and falafel wrap. But I felt really tender.

Especially as I walked through town, I could feel my eyes were quite dry. I felt almost as if I could begin to cry at any point. In fact, I sort of want to be able to cry; of course, I am a man and so cannot. I really only cry at movies - perhaps I could benefit from a movie right now. I haven't seen the Studio Ghibli film that I was meant to watch this week. I should actually tick off all the SG movies, one by one - I have them downloaded. I could just watch them bit by bit. I'v enjoyed massively every single one I've seen so far, some more than others, of course.

I might well, actually. I'm just going to update on what's happening. I've pretty much been sat at home, in the garden a little, seen the cat, eaten four tomatoes (Golden Sunrise variety) and have swapped out the blue ink that runs very dry for the black ink. The reason being is that, one hopefully it will be a tad wetter (I think it's still quite dry, but it can't be as bad as the Faber Castell Cobalt Blue has been - I don't remember it being that dry when I first used it - maybe the paper) so hopefully the black (which is a - Christ, should I just add a page to the website detailling the pens and inks I use? It is a Waterman black) is a tad wetter. Actually, just tested it and it is much wetter. And two, to get to the actual point, I want to do #Inktober. Really I don't exactly know what inking is, rather, I just want to draw, sketch, and do so in ink. Or pencil, maybe. So the goal will be, one sketch (maybe in pencil first and ideally inked after) each day in October. Hopefully I can manage it.

I feel as if I'm sort of pushing myself too much in that I don't really know if I'll have the time for it. But it's coming to winter, and I need to keep myself busy, so it can't be all bad.

Still. I'm in a bad rut at the moment. I did want to go to the allotment, yet now I'm home I'm almost reluctant to. I know I ought to go; in fact, I also want to draw. I also now want to watch a movie. It's tough, because I feel as if I haven't enough time to do all I want to do. I have a proclivity at the moment to do as I am doing - casually, very slowly write this wv whilst watching Youtube videos. I know however if this lasts too long, then I will end up regretting the day - I have a hard limit as I have to go round to my grandma's at six (for a free dinner, woe is me) but I know I must not end up doing this the whole day. It's coming up to half past one, and so I've a little bit of time left - well, four hours. I think, I will watch a SG film, and will then get up and do some actual work, or draw something.

I don't really have much else to write at the moment. I've got the rest of the weeknotes to write, but I think I don't have much else to write there - I'll see tomorrow I guess. I ought to actually put it somewhere as a part of a regular schedule that I will write my weekly journal. Gym needs to be regularly scheduled as well (with some allowances for Wednesdays and Thursday which can be work-dos, and Monday which are for social times in the evening).

I wonder if I could make a schedule that accounts for contingencies... as in, that has built in redundancy etc. Could be fun?

I can't drag the words out on this one. I've not the will to write. Have a good one.

Urban Planning in the UK

Sun, 18 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000

I want to write a little about urban planning (specifically the lefty, Not Just Bikes-type urban planning) in the UK more generally, but specifically from my experience.

Car Dependency

I don't think car dependency in the UK is as bad as in some other places, but certainly it is an issue. I've heard many people mention how they learnt to drive as soon as they legally could, because they lived in a place that was completely inaccessible without a car. Where I live, I can get around by bike, at least for the places I go, but if I try to go to other places, I either have to stick on the pavement, hope no one runs me over, or just... not go. If I try to leave the city on a bike, it is horrid. Dual carriageways, an endless flow of cars at 40mph, no pavements a lot of the way. Buses are few and far between, and incredibly slow at that.

State of the discussion

The state of the discussion in the UK is disappointing. It generally revolves around whether parking should be free, or we need more parking for all the new houses we will build, or silly ideas for how to manage traffic that obviously won't accomplish anything (round our area, they want to take a road that is so busy it backs up the streets for miles when it gets congested, and make it one way, because that will apparently help? somehow?). We recently decided that the M25 needed another lane, because of course, one more lane will fix it.

It is personally such a shame. I see the quality of the discussion in Europe, where it seems almost every country is on the right path. In the Netherlands, of course it is incredible, but most other countries seem on the right path. France has Anne Hidalgo doing incredible things, I know a lot of Scandinavia has made a lot of progress, Germany has a lot of bike lanes and good public transport (well, not good, but better than ours), even despite the huge amount of cars. I just almost feel like everywhere is doing better, or at least, the discussion is in a better place, and the public are more informed.

How things will change

Honestly, sad as it is, I don't really have hope for the UK. Perhaps if Labour stay in for two terms, we might see some decent improvement, especially as Reeves seems very focussed on saving costs (or, essentially, bringing back austerity without saying the word austerity): the great thing about good bike infrastructure is that it is really cheap. Of course public transport does cost money, and I think Reeves will probably end up making cuts in it. Which is a shame: the trains are horrid enough anyways, though Labour has promised to renationalise the trains. I fear they will not continue this with the buses, though. Trains are... halfway functional still, but the bus network in the UK has been completely stripped. Busses only come every half hour or so a lot of the time, in rural places sometimes only every hour, or every two hours, and have been cancelled in many places.

As an example, when I went to Draycott on holiday, I had to faff about with the buses: I went to Weston-super-Mare to get the bus from there, but found out the service had been cancelled and didn't run anymore. So I went back to the train station and asked them if there were any services going in that direction. They knew of one, but the stop was a half hour walk away (I think it was the 76 service). So I walked a half hour to the stop, but couldn't find the service listed on the bus stop. A bus arrived and I asked the driver for the service, but she told me that it has never existed (somehow). So I asked her the best route to Draycott, and luckily she knew of one: she would drive me back to town (very kindly for free), and then I could catch a different service to (I believe it was) Winscombe, then walk from there to Axbridge (about an hour), then catch a bus from Axbridge to my accomodation in Draycott. The bus was every two hours, and I had just missed one, so I sat and waited for an hour and a half for the last bus service of the day at half four. That was a horrible experience, and really does not instill hope in the bus service. The trains meanwhile were, not great (I think there were delays) but at least did actually run.

I think it would have to get really bad before it gets better. The amount of cars we have on the road, I think we will get to a point where the traffic is horrid. Then, bike infrastructure (and to a lesser extent, public transport/buses) will improve to alleviate traffic, and hopefully people will switch more to this. But I think the UK will always be very car dependent.

Overall

I can really see why people just want to drive. If you want to go on holiday in the UK, it is much easier to drive. Part of the reason why I want to get a motorbike is because the UK is incredibly reliant on road infrastructure, and motorbikes are really one of the best ways to get around, just because the UK is so car (or, motor transport) centric.

I think it will take government, or maybe local county councils, to just... add in good infrastructure, and hopefully people will take to it, and see it is good for them. That is all one can really hope for.

Comments

I can't really get to a thousand words on this topic, because it is almost more of a feel thing. I know what good urban planning is when I see it, but it's difficult to get the words out on it. It's just disappointing to see the state of the UK, is all. We could do so much better. Instead, we just have cars, and noise, and congestion, and pollution, and never any suggestion to really improve anything.

Hey ho. I might write about this more in the future. For now, have a good one.

Various rambles

Thu, 08 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000

h2/Bread, DATEM, and convenience/h2 I have today, in going to the shops, bought bread containing DATEM (diacetyl esters of mono- and diglycerides). I know I used to eat this bread a lot, and after eating one slice and feeling an acidic feeling in my stomach (which is likely fault of the jam, not of the bread) I almost don't want it anymore. The difficulty is that I deem bread to be an important part of my diet: I eat a lot of bread. I of course was making my own bread, but it was never very good. And I am aware of the problems with leaky gut, etc. that DATEM brings about. I've just had two slices of the stuff.

Now, several solutions. First, I could only buy bread lacking DATEM. This would work, but of course would still be ultra-processed bread, and not exactly good for me... I can get decently unprocessed bread in Sainsbury's, but it's a way away and inconvenient...

Or, second, I could just not eat bread (unless I feel inclined to make it). This would likely do me good: I would lose some protein, but could easy supplement this with rice, pasta, etc. which I currently eat a fair bit of but often cannot be bothered to cook. As for peanut butter, where I get a good bit of protein, I could just... forego it, and just eat raw nuts instead.

Or, I could set several guidelines informing my bread purchasing, and then set myself an out if I have no bread. This could entail, for instance, only buying non-UPF bread (so, I've blundered today, but fine) from say, Sainsbury's that does it, but then also making my own if I've time/the inclination (and finding ways to improve my homemade bread, that is currently bad as I'm lazy), and in the case of no bread, preferring pasta or rice instead. Have I just written my way into a solution?

h2/Summer/h2 Summer is almost over. Well, it's August. I guess summer won't end for a few months, but it feels over... despite the fact it is constantly mid twenties. I suppose it is just that I am becoming aware of the shortening days, and of the nasturtiums that have all now run to seed, and ... I'm beginning to get a bit depressed, almost pre-emptively, knowing that I've winter to deal with. Winter in the UK isn't even proper: it's mild as can be. Yet still, I feel as if I've barely started to enjoy the summer and now it's ending...

h2/Coconut Milk Drink/h2 Currently I pay £0.99 per litre of a coconut "drink", one of those horridly craftily crafted terms to put it in a particular spot of regulation. It is made of water, coconut milk, rice flour, calcium citrates (?), coconut flavouring, salt, gellan gum, and added vitamins D2 and B12. I should probably value it for the vitamins (it is probably my main source of B12) but really not sure about the rest. Potentially, I can make my own? It might be fun to...

h2/Measuring myself/h2 I want to find out more about myself, in terms of my health particularly. I think this will mostly involve taking a lot of tests: I will have to pay for these (it doesn't feel right trying to offload the cost of my vanity onto the NHS). What things ought I test?

<ul> <li>Testosterone and sperm count</li> <li>Blood: cholesterol (HDL, (sd|lb)LDL), blood pressure, etc. </li> <li>Urine: bisphenol, phthalates etc.</li> <li>Fat, muscle, percentages of body</li> <li>If possible, general nutrition, etc.</li> <ul>

I can probably expand the list. For now, I suppose these are the most important. I could do it again every say six months and note the changes. Really just to try and see if I am healthy or if there is anything I need to improve on.

h2/Tracking/h2 I want to do something different for the tracking next week. I sort of want to have it more in a calendrical format, where I list the days and what I have done on each of these days. That way I do not just get to the end of the day and have many boxes to fill in showing I haven't done it... Perhaps I can then schedule in this to do particular things upfront for a certain period of time, e.g. study, read, guitar, etc. I suppose the difficulty is that I do not want a fixed schedule, as it is bound to change. For instance, I might arrange on the Monday itself to meet with a friend - in fact, this week there was a drinks which I was only alerted to on the Tuesday. As such, it is quite difficult to use a calendrical system knowing that I cannot write in pen, or that it will have to be adapted as the week goes on... Perhaps, I could specify a list of things to do on a given day, a todo list of sorts, and just tick them off. This at least means I can leave planning of the concrete time down to be slightly more ad hoc. I will have to plan it so as not to be simply able to be missed, and so that it can also take into account new things that have happened.

There should also be room to more concretely block in certain periods of time. For instance, I must block in 9.00 - 17.00 for work (on Mon and Fri) and 6.00 - 18.30 on Tues,Wed,Thurs (due to trains, sorting out clothes etc). I should also block in concretely and absolutely my exercise/gym time, as this is important at the moment. Guitar can be an absolute but must be given a degree of freedom as to where it is located. Reading can be before bed, etc. wv is for whenever I have free time. I can also block in social events naturally, seeing friends, work events, etc. which will be in more concrete times also. So I can have maybe {daily concrete, daily flexible, weekly actions}. As for daily concrete, I suppose I do have a degree of flexibility to change them if needed.

The problem is pen vs pencil, and form. What is a good for this sort of thing? I often just write something like q/06.00 - 08.30 :: gym/q, but I'm not sure this is really good or not. For instance, what if I don't go to the gym for as long as I describe? What if it takes longer? What if I oversleep, or cannot find something, and end up leaving at 06.15? This is why I'm not sure that rigidly planning things works. I would have to go over it in pen constantly... Essentially, this is a pencil type of element. Is there any element that can be written in pen? Well, sleep and work, I guess. I'm far more relaxed with every thing else in terms of moving it, or allowing it to be slightly late, etc. Maybe that is the problem?

I am not sure. Perhaps "~06.00 :: 1h30 gym" could work. This gives a degree of flexibility. Or, I just become more rigid about certain things. In terms of scheduling then, I need to eliminate anything that makes it difficult, e.g. locating items. I have mostly done that already, but I still have a few blips or where things get moved (living at home problems).

I'm going to bed now. Have a good one.

olea, and wanting too much, and patience

Fri, 13 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000

Today was a decent day. I got up late, not setting an alarm and being woken up at half nine to go to the cafe by my mum, and then doing a little study there, before going to the charity shop. I got three shirts, one of which does not fit and I will go back tomorrow to return, and the other two are quite nice. One is a large, quite gaudy and a part of a set. When I return tomorrow, I'm going to get the rest of them, as they are really quite lovely shirts (in my opinion; my mother and brother both said they look horrid (well, in less gentle terms)) if gaudy. Potentially I'll attach a picture somewhen. I'm lazy though... I need to make making these entries more gooder an easier thing, or well I don't need to...

I have tonight, instead of going to the sea and drawing as I had intended, mostly sat at home and written (slowly, very slowly) up the RHS question, and I've still got to transfer it to paper... Also, I've been looking at olea again. That was the project I wanted to write to go into what is good for health, initially begun on the idea that saturated fats aren't so bad as the media seems to make out, and in fact it seems to be consensus that they are, in a sense good, and that it is not good to replace them... but it seems also it could still be true in a sense that it is good to replace, up until about 10% of the caloric intake, SFAs with polyunsaturates, but not to replace with processed/refined carbohydrates? It is a very complex topic, and of course, the idea of refined carbs being a part of the problem ties in with the evils of fructose, and really, it is so intermingled and tangled up it is quite difficult to make sense of it all. That is not even considering the fact that the science (as always) is incomplete, and there is much dissension and contradiction between individual studies. Consensus seems to be difficult to reach on just about anything. Due to the complexity of the topic as well, any leap of logic seems to be on faulty ground: in fact, that was the entire problem with the diet-heart hypothesis in the first place, a premature leap of logic! So it's very difficult, and I don't think it'll be a finished document anything, rather, it would need to be regularly updated with new information. But it's worth a try?

Oh, and regarding diet, my chocolate milks with two teaspoons of sugar are causing inflammation it seems. I'm getting spots, which happens if I have too much sugar. I'll try... reduce the sugar I add to them? It is very bitter with no sugar at all, but I could try to get very close to it, or just learn to enjoy the flavour.

That said, I feel as if I'd be biting off more than I can chew if I try it. I have so much on, if I keep on adding things, I'll never do what I want to do. And I have been talking so much lately about what I am going to do, and not doing much of it... It is of course a bad thing, but I wonder if there is a solution...

Generally, the question is of whether there is an amount of leisure I can afford and feel good about myself, and of what nature this leisure could or should be, and in fact, if I should be trying to have leisure at all when I know there are things I should be doing, really. As in, I'm writing this wv, and I won't lie and call it productive, it is leisure for me, but also, I am not sure I shouldn't for instance, first finish my RHS module completely (I know I'll write it up before I go to bed - it's already ten though!) and then start doing all this leisure. In other words, I'm procrastinating, and it's not like it's not fun, but... isn't there a guilt there? I don't know... haha, I'm rambling again (awkward laugh of acknowledgement).

I've so many words to play with I don't need to feel bad about this kind of thing; sure, it's not exactly valuable, but I guess it is in the moment, to me, and that has it's own value? Even this meta-writing-about-writing has its own value in that I'm figuring out exactly what I want from this project, that I think I have mostly started because I needed content for the website, but without really realising what exactly I wanted to write about, or indeed, what to write, how to write... How to be. It's a wider problem. I am at least, in a way, exposing it to myself through the sheer excess of words. And the project forces me into a thousand entries, so I can ramble all I like, it just pads out the "excess" of each thousand words. In other words, anything I write over and about the thousand is free, and isn't helping me towards the goal, so I don't need to feel bad that I'm unfairly getting myself there through empty words. Well, still not entirely, but either way.

Enough meta. Back on topic: what is it exactly I can consider to be good behaviour? Am I just maximising for a good feeling? In that case, I want to avoid avoiding things in the moment that are going to persist and make problems for me in the future; the problem is, there is so much to do, and there is almost always going to be something hanging over my head. I could either choose to avoid it, or to do it tomorrow, or to do something more enjoyable today (like wv...) or I could just get it done. Setting deadlines feels to arbitrary and authoritarian and in its own way takes away a certain modicum of pleasure, and it's the pleasure I care about, that I can lead an enjoyable, stress-free (relatively) life.

So, if I want to do olea for instance, I could either try to get it done, and prevent a constant increase in scope, or set out the scope and try to work within that, getting it done at least partially, and then improve it over and over, or I could just keep going on about it without it ever being done. Oh yeah, the scripts for the website still aren't done! Will they ever be?

I think perhaps I say I'll finish it by the end of 2025. It's a distant deadline if there ever was one, but I think I could focus on getting, for now, the LM2 and RHS in a good position (of course, RHS I will be doing all next year as well, with an exam probably in February and the next exam in 2025 somewhen) and will need to just not allot my attention to too many things. I think, the guitar has been neglected now for quite a while, and I wonder if I will just end up leaving it, or whether I could pick it up again. Is it something that I could actually get to doing? In fact, even the gym is in a rather dire state, with it only happening maybe twice a week, and this week really only once. I guess I need to be a little harsher on myself, because I am being too gentle, and not progressing in the way that I want. See, I do feel good when I have less to worry about.

I still haven't looked at gtd either. It is about enumerating the inbox, which can then be turned into actual tasks and then knocked off. Basically, the point of the inbox, and of dealing with it each day, is to take things that are very vague worries and convert them into actual tasks that I can perform, to alleviate the worries that I have. I can in that way feel better because I know exactly what it is that I have to do, and once it's done, I've done it. In other words, it separates out the actual task into things I can actually get to work on, instead of sitting here with a vague worry in my chest, about things like work, and horticulture, and whatever else. In fact, I might hang up my hat for writing wv now and go work on that.

But basically, I don't think it's really asking too much for me to practise guitar each day and to draw as well when I get the chance. I don't do it because it's painful to do, and it's painful to do because I'm not any good at it, and I'm not any good at it because I barely do it. So I can break, using brute force, the first of these, and then I can become a little better, and in so being a little better come to enjoy it a little more. For instance, currently with guitar, I notice, because I haven't done it for a while, I end up feeling bad whenever I do it, and so don't want to do it. It's a cruel circle! A catch 22 of sorts. I can break it with brute force, though.

Is that it? I think that, but at the same time I'm not sure. And of course, in a more meta sense, I wonder if my lack of having anything to show, really, is a part of why I am so bad at pursuing things in that way. Then again, I also wonder, maybe prematurely, whether I am focussed on the wrong things, or what the right thing to focus on is. Is it career? Is it socialising? Friends? Family? Finding a partner? Or learning guitar? Sketching? Languages? I don't know whether I should revert to languages again, but of course I am trying to pick up Italian and dedicating less time to it than I would like... It's not great in a way, and entirely my own fault, and I know I should put say an hour a day into it... Is it too harsh to schedule everything in that way? Or is it necessary, if I am so undisciplined? I'm just not sure.

As in, let's take today. I've been very undiscplined, and not done what I ought to have. I haven't gone to the gym despite saying that now for however many days, and then didn't go draw at Leigh. The RHS still isn't done but it will be by tomorrow morning, I think. I think this is a point where I can't betray myself, and will need to just do the work before I go to bed. (Don't lie to myself, me!) But generally, I guess the whole thing is about avoiding pain for my future self. Or, if I keep on saying the whole thing is about... is it a matter of different perspectives on the same state of affairs, and my writing is sifting through perspectives trying to find the one that will bring me happiness? If so, does it bring me happiness in the moment, or in the future, or in a more general sense?

This then begs the question of, given that today is in a sense, not necessarily squandered, in that I did not exactly completely waste the day, or at least an outside observer might say I did not, but imperfect in some way, or not executed in the way I would exactly like, what is the course of action tomorrow? It's all well and good to say I should just take it as an individual day in itself, but my actions tomorrow are determined by my blunders today and to a lesser extent on previous days as well (by proxy): for instance, if I stay up late, as I will, writing this wv and then writing up the RHS, then I will be tired, and have to wake up later tomorrow. That will constrain the things that I can reasonably do tomorrow, without being so knocked out. But, let's enumerate what I do want to do tomorrow. I would like to go to town at least to sort out the clothes I got today and get the rest, and then I would go to the allotment. I may have some time in the evening, in which case I think it would be good to do a little work for work to make my Monday a bit less painful (I've too much to catch up on and it might be difficult). Alongside that of course, I could try to do some guitar or some drawing if I can find time. See, that's not too bad, and I could accomplish a fair bit. The key part I think is in trying to break chains of inaction, and mull over the things that are plaguing my heart, and then actually working to stop them plaguing me. As for work, a big thing that gets me is having tasks that are months old that I haven't been able to look at - of course the joy of work is that new things and tasks just pile on, and there is always too much to do and not enough time, but that really shouldn't stop me from, in a spare moment, prioritising the old tasks, getting them out of the way as best I can, and then trying with the new tasks. And if I have "BAU" tasks as they are called (as in, just regular work, as opposed to project work) I can get that done, and then simply quote it as the reason why I have not progressed with the project work; after all, it has to get done, and I can't really avoid it by putting it off, it just ends up getting worse. So, I think that is kind of what I need to do.

So, in terms of next week say. I've got the Tuesday of no work due to the trip up to London to visit the German embassy (oh, I will be so happy when I get my German citizenship - talking of, I'll discuss it after this paragraph), but then must I suppose for Monday consider the backlog of tasks, and make sure they get done, as the backlog is really what I want to avoid. I can make a note of all the things I want to get done in my personal life: for instance, I want to get at least an hour of guitar done, which I could do all in one night if I pleased, or I could do it over several nights. I want to go to the gym actually three times next week, and if I can't do it one night, then I'll do it in the morning. In fact, I think something like Monday, Wednesday (eve), and Friday would suit me. Then I try and get guitar and drawing done, and feel good about that, or at least resuming the habit. I can study LM2 on the train to work (Wednesday and Thursday) and get that done; I can generally do quite well if I do this. Of course, to maintain this, I'll eat a fairly healthy diet of mainly fats (using up avocadoes...) and protein (lentils etc) to get the gains from the gym. See, I could do quite well? And then Friday night I still get my movie night, and I could even push for a swim on Saturday?

That isn't including the duty of checking my emails, which involves doing a programming problem each day, but hopefully those won't take long. wv takes a little while too, but of course, I can just do it when I get spare time. I'll see how it all goes, I guess.

Headaches

I sometimes get headaches very badly after work - it is not quite fully visual but it does cause me pain to see. I don't know the cause of it - stress from work? - but I really should try to alleviate it. It only seems to happen in the office, so maybe it's a problem with the screen setup? Contrast or something perhaps?

German citizenship

On Tuesday, we go to apply for German citizenship. I was talking with someone at work about that and possibly living abroad - he wanted to live in Canada (and had already applied for a six month visa) or South America/Argentina. I was wondering whether I would like to do that - we do have an office in Italy, and in a way I would like to see whether I couldn't maybe go out there to work and to stay, and just to see how it is in a different country. It might be a difficult ask at the company though, who I think would prefer me in the London office, and frankly they probably aren't too happy with my performance at the moment (or ever) and could well deny me on that ground. I don't know. But it would be good to go to Europe to explore and see how it is. I hope Bologna is nice - if so, I may well want to go to Italy and stay there for a bit. The main thing is that I can go to Europe - Germany or Italy or wherever - once I've got citizenship and it all becomes a bit easier with work and whatnot. Could be fun to explore about in my youth.

Ok, I've written too much. I need to actually get the RHS thing done, cause it's approaching half eleven now. Then sleep, then get up in the morning and be a responsible citizen.

I guess I'm in a funny mood again. I'm not sure why I keep on being in this strange mood - it's so horrible... but I guess it's my own fault. Have a good one all, with any luck I'll be back to normal tomorrow. Please?

On task management, the website, and various matters

Wed, 04 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000

Writing at work; I need to figure out how to manage tasks effectively; currently, I struggle a lot with managing tasks in a way that things do not get missed, abandoned, or are done in a timely way. I may be barking up the wrong tree, that I want to search for a solution that fixes all of my issues, where really it may well be better instead to search for a solution that is minimal, but flexible in handling the desired cases, sort of a Unix philosophy for task management, I suppose.

I could, and think it is good, to sort not just by date received but also by category, such that I can find the emails which are not sorted out, and going by category, alleviate all similar issues at the same time. That may well work better in terms of email management. It would also stop tasks from sinking to the bottom so much, since I would go through them category by category.

Then, doing so operates a kind of triple scanning. Firstly, I scan through items that are sorted by category, doing all I can. If I take notes of particular chains, it also stops any individual items within these categories being forgotten; thirdly, there is the taskslist proper that can catch things. Or, I wonder if it is best to centralise everything through emails - though that would be emails received to me, not emails I send but do not get a response on, hence the triple scanning approach.

That could work?

Anyways. I'm on the train now, and the work day was decent. Whenever I get home I get asked how work is...

Overloaded

I feel as if I've had too much to do, recently. The word overloaded also has a connotation in programming that say, an operator is overloaded to fulfil multiple purposes. For a person, I suppose it is necessary for them to be overloaded in that sense, however the problem comes when a single person is made to do more than what they could possible do with their time. It is of course better, and will lead to more consistent progress, to focus on fewer things at a time but do well for each of these things, as opposed to doing many things poorly. There is a jack-of-all-trades middle ground, where several, but not overmany, things are done to a sufficient degree. In a way, that is what I am doing with certain tasks such as the RHS and LM2 which do not require excessive effort to be completed, and am also pursuing things that can be done to a greater degree of success if more energy and time is placed into them, namely the guitar and gym, the allotment as well. I am satisfied in these pursuits with a middling success; though of course, I note that I am not really doing as much on guitar as I want to do, and have set myself the goal of practising every other day (15 in a month), which has so far not come to fruition (it being the fourth, and not having practised whatsoever). Yet, I am working from home tomorrow by sheer random grace (my boss said we can) and so have a decent chunk more time to do as I want. I could do an hour or so of guitar in the morn to get back on track, for instance. Gym is to be 10 times in the month I believe I put; I do want to achieve this.

The Website

Essentially, what is presently holding back all of these wvs from going onto the website is the lack of an index page, and my refusal to write one manually. Instead, I am going to try (hopefully I find time somewhen soon) to write dexter, which shall be used for creating index pages. It works on a substitution system similarly to jezup, and will have a format string specified where the representation can be generated, either as an HTML ul or a table. Within that, there can be text and then will be representations for e.g. dates (2024-09-04), word counts (1118), etc. within the format string. This essentially fills my needs well, and can be added to quite easily. As such, the process of generating the website will be:

Generate the index file, using dexter over the relevant directories.

Generate the actual HTML files themselves, using jezup.

So, for instance, for generating the main /wr page where I will link to all of wv, poetry, and blog, I will have something like:

dexter -i /src/wv wv -i /src/blog blog -i /src/poetry poetry -t template-index.html -s "2024-09-04" "desc" -f "table;2024-09-04;$$HLTITLE$$"

I guess an assumption is made with HLTITLE that the path of the original relative to src and the path of the final are identical, i.e. /src/wv/0041 as a file will be mapped directly to /wv/0041. I don't think there's a way around that, and for my needs it's a reasonable assumption, that will allow me to generate the links.

It'll take a little while to write, but it's a lot easier now it's in Odin. One thing I notice about Odin is, because the string management feels so much like a high level language, it's easy to accidentally leak memory (not a big deal for oneshot programs such as mine own, but still) by not calling delete(). In fact, it's difficult to locate in the docs that string a. will leak in this way (it's just assumed that, because you know it's manually managed, they must be freed), and b. that strings are not freed with free() but with delete().

It will eventually come along, the website though. The codebase is a bit messy already, and will get worse, but I'll tidy it up with time. I want a pleasant bit of code to work with, ideally.

Opera, Italy

Italy's fully booked now. I'm really, really looking forward to it. First holiday abroad, first time in Italy; it seems like a beautiful country.

Also, I booked Eugene Onegin to see at the Royal Opera House with my parents, but also realised they have a "Young ROH" scheme, so I was able to get tickets to La Boheme for a mere £30 for front-of-the-amphitheatre seats. I'll be going on my own, and frankly I know nothing about the opera, but it'll be fun to try it. I'm going to do several of these throughout next year to see if I enjoy the opera or ballet at all; if I don't, I don't, but I want to see at least. Plus, it means I get to eat at The Ivy at Covent Gardens, where the food is lovely (if pricey), so life's not too terrible.

Finishing

That's all. I'm going to listen to my jazz on the train now for a little, and then I've got gym and guitar when I return home. Never a day's rest. Have a good one.

Bit of a ramble - focus, bad habits, etc.

Sat, 11 Jan 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I can permit myself a ramble in wv; in the blog I try to ramble less though have done so a few times. I am still really undecided what wv ought be; in reality, I've almost stopped writing it, since I've only managed to write three in several months. This is I suppose because I've been busy with other things, and because the blog is now where I mostly write. That isn't a bad thing, it is just a change.

I am trying to change and to improve my habits. As a result, I have the guitar, I have the home gym (well, set of dumbells), the mandolin, the Hobonichi to plan my days, etc. Basically, I feel as if I have improved, and am improving or will improve due to the new routine (if I follow it over several years, I suppose). However, I am not sure on my exact actions, and what exactly I am to do or not do.

For example, I have for several days this week made little progress on my guitar and mando. I have practised actually only twice in the whole week. The reason why, is that I have had work, and most of the evenings during the week I have been working late. Work is actually quite stressful and busy at the moment, where it seems like everything is on a deadline (it's literally fake work. The boss wants us to get it done by a certain deadline so he can show off to upper management and probably reap his bonus. Our bonus will be a fraction of his, almost certainly, despite us being the ones to do the work. Rant aside) and I am always quite behind on things, not to mention always given other work to do. It is quite difficult to manage, and I'm not really sure how I can, if I am honest. I may have to put up with the fact that working late is inevitable when you have been at a company for a few years. That is what is expected, and not doing so leads to a poor performance review (what? you didn't manage to do ten hours of work in your eight hour day? disgrace!) and so to repercussions. I thought I said rant aside.

My sleep has still been a problem, and really I might just have to discipline™ my way out of it, because otherwise I will just get up late every day except the days where, owing to work, I have to. I have been doing skipping a bit more, but not ten minutes (because I found out that was impossible without hurting myself) and not every day. In terms of gym I am largely keeping up with the expectation of 100 sets per month, but only keeping up, not exceeding. I'm largely on track to read my two books this month, too. I've upped my studying of RHS but don't feel it is enough. And really the knowledge just doesn't stick in there well.

So, what I'm trying to say is. I'm trying to improve, but I do still have problems. Further, I also have days where I rest. At times, I sit about for an hour or two and relax or lose myself in (generally wayward) thoughts. I like doing this, as it affords me a chance to sort of decompress, but i do worry about not making sufficient progress on all my goals. See, I really want to do well, and I suppose im a little impatient because I think that I can make good progress this year - realistically, anything worthwhile is years away yet. for instance, in terms of guitar, i have not really got to a decent standpoint at all, and doing so will take years. in terms of reading, it doesnt really progress me anywhere at all. mando is the same as guitar. if i start violin, that too. gym will take a long time, though i can see gains as i do it, but it will still require a commitment over several years. basically, everything is a project that will last me until im five hundred and ten. i cant just be happy with the current situation at all; instead, im trying to be good, and not able to.

its a deficiency of character (mind the lack of caps, i want to write a bit quicker and constantly checking caps is a hassle) which means that i dont feel content in myself; i cant feel content just by playing guitar, instead i want it to be good. im not happy with my body, so i want to be thinner, more muscular, stronger, fitter, etc. just today, my mum was pointing out how i seem to still have arrythmias: i actually should chat with the GP about that. my nails are still in a not-so-fantastic state, and whilst i no longer bite them (because im trying to grow them out) i am picking at them a bit now, which i am not sure whether it stunts their growth at all. i wonder if im just being a bit impatient though. for instance, i do feel like im bad at the mandolin, but ive only been playing it for a month, and probably not halfway that long if we factor in that i havent played it most days (maybe 30% of days i have, in all). same for guitar, except that i have played it more in the past too. violin i havent played since i was a child, in fairness; i will be like a beginner, even though i do technically have grade one. gym i am definitely more muscular than i was, but i am still fairly small. i feel as if everything is in a constant state of work-in-progress. i have little i can point to and say, clearly, that is in a good way. its a problem i think i have a lot: lots at once, lots in progress, little actually good.

so, what do. well, i probably do have to just be patient. like, if i want to be good at guitar, that wont happen after however many times ive played it so far. (28 times since 2024-06-24 - not many, basically). like with the gym, i will really only see gains after say, 40 times, or 80, or 120, or 200. it takes a long time to get good at something, which i sort of neglect and just want everything to be perfect, now. i have to have more patience. mandolin i have not made progress with (i dont feel) and ive practised every other day for exactly a month today. if i kept that up for say, six months, or a year, then i will see good progress. the aim of the schedule that i am making is that i will keep it up over many months, so that i can actually make progress. key in that is not to change my concerns too many times: for instance, it is fine me adding violin as a side concern, but i have to treat it as on the side, otherwise i wont make the kind of progress i want with other things. likewise, gym must be a constant concern, where i every month get my 100 sets (which is probably not even enough, but its a decent minimum bar). sustained effort over many months and years will get me where i want to be. so with that said, what about the relaxing, and the bad habits, etc. that i have mentioned in the title?

i would say, bad habits are acceptable so long as they do not interfere with the good habits. ive set minimum bars for some of these, so for example i must meet the minimum of 100 sets per month in terms of gym. likewise, two books per month is a minimum. i probably should do the same for guitar and mando in putting minimum amounts per month. id actually benefit from doing this for skipping as well (like, minimum 3m per day, but up it to 4m, 5m, 6m etc. over each month - these are absolute minimums that i have to meet.

an idea is to have the amount i should have for each concern in each day be easily calculable for a given month, then I can see easily where i am behind. if it is on the 10th day of the month, and ive only done 20 sets, i know im behind because my bare minimum is 33 at that point. this seems to make sense as an idea.

ok, ive sort of got it then. as long as i make my minimums, relaxing or messing up a bit is ok. i can adjust the minimums over time too, either as my ability changes, or as i realise that the minimums were actually too low. perhaps that is a way to do it. over the course of a month, not a week - because i need it to be over a long period of time so i have the excuse of having had a busy week, needing to work late, etc. which does happen.

ok, that sort of makes sense.

have a good one.

Mood, vice, showers, twinging guitar

Fri, 30 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000

Twice my guitar has twinged slightly as the wind brushes the curtain against it. This most beautiful music... and yet, in the stimulation of the moment, or with extraordinary skill, a man could make something so much more beautiful, yet in a way so much less...

More is less, and that adage. Less is less, more is more, less is more, more is less. Programmers say that kind of thing, mostly that less is more. I suppose I could write about this... Not now.

I want to talk about optimal mood, if it is possible all the time, what can be done to avoid suboptimal mood (or at least, the worst excesses of it), whether indeed this is a good thing, and briefly the interesting effect of showers.

Optimal mood - bisecting desire

I'm not quite sure what optimal mood is. I suppose I could say I know it when I see it, yet really I'm not too sure. I feel as though I have moments when my mood is more optimal, in a way that is more conducive to maybe not productivity, but that which I want to do. Or, the mood is more conducive to those attributes of myself that I find more desirable. For instance, if I am in a mood where social matters are easier (i.e. less inhibited) I consider this, for a social situation, to be the better mood, in that it allows me to perform better in social situations. If again I am in a mood to write, I could say I am in a more conducive mood to do wv. However, if I desire not to write wv, and instead to practise guitar, but am instead stuck writing wv because I "want" to in some primal way, then I would say my mood is not optimal, as the desire I as a thinking agent have is different to the desire that I am currently most inclined to carry out. In the same way, if I am feeling desirous of sex (horny, for lack of a better word) and I do not want to carry out any sexual acts, then I am in a suboptimal mood, as my desire as a higher, thinking agent is contrary to the desire my body has. In a way, this could also relate to what I said about vice, and errvice, and about non-lucid states of mind (0010, 0011). This division into two, between an act which is desirous by the higher, thinking reason, let's call it reasonish desire (to correlate it with reason, yet not to assume it is always necessarily reasonable), and a desire carried out by a lower state, let's call it lower desire, could then go some way to clarify the concept of vice, or errvice. Vice or errvice are actions committed in non-lucidity that are regrettable or undesirable. I now understand that regrettable here refers to contrary to higher reason. As such, if I have a vice, let's pick nail-biting as an example, then it is vicious as it is an action, committing in non-lucidity (which, I suppose is in its own way merely to say, committed by the lower urges) which is contrary to the desire of the higher reason. In this way, I can redefine vice and errvice as, respectively:

Vice: actions committed by the lower urges which are contrary to the desires of the higher urges, and;

Errors: actions committed by omission which are contrary to the desires of the higher urges, and;

Errvice: the aggregate of vice and errors.

This seems to make an amount of sense.

I say bisecting desire, as we now have desire itself (which, I remind, I would call an action; the state being desirousness) as the act performed by either the lower urges or higher reason, in turn giving lower desire and reasonish desire, or higher desire. It is not that necessarily the acts of the lower desire are bad, nor is that the lower desire is inherently bad in some way.

Optimal mood, is then when the desires of the lower urges align with the desires of the higher reason. I suppose the higher reason can adapt more quickly and will change what it wants more quickly, wheres the lower urges are more primal in a sense, and less given to change. They can however, with pushing from the higher reason, gradually change.

I suppose separating this out, we have desire as an act performed by both the higher reason and lower urges. In turn, this desire results in particular acts which are related the desire. For instance, if the lower urges desire sex, they can commit an act which is sexual in nature, say, masturbation, or engaging in the sexual pursuit. To avoid confusion that the lower urges are inherently for those things traditionally termed base or sinful, I will also that it may also be that the lower urges may on another occasion desire to read, and so will engage in acts that relate to that desire, say, picking up a book and reading it. However, if the higher reason does not desire sex, say, as it is wasteful of resources, or will result in an unfortunate situation, the higher reason and the lower urges are at conflict, as the desires are different. Likewise, it is conceivable (though unlikely) that the lower urges desire to read, yet the higher reason desires to engage in some what is traditionally termed vice. In this way, sin in a religious sense is really just that which is not corresponding to the higher reason, and it appears, say, potentially societally determined, what exactly is a sin in the religious sense.

Are acts always committed by lower urges? I would say likely; unless the higher reason can in a way persuade the lower urges in a direction, the desires of the lower urges are carried out.

If optimal mood is possible perpetually

I assume not. Optimal mood then is defined as alignment of the desires of the lower urges and of the higher reason. I imagine, given the tendency of the higher reason to change its desires, and the comparative slowness of the lower urges in changing its desires, that optimal mood is not possible perpetually.

What can be done to avoid suboptimal mood

Or, rephrased, the misalignment of the desires of the higher reason and lower urges.

One way would be to, for those matters which are, and have been, consistently, termed by the higher reason as undesirable, eliminate the tendency towards desire within the lower urges. I assume this can be done by the higher reason through repeated pursuit of the action of the higher reason by the lower urges, or, overriding the lower urges by the higher reason.

Ok, I'm actually bored of this now and the inspiration is already gone, but I think it was actually a helpful distinction... maybe, Again, I do feel as though it's a little bit of "natura saporifica", but hey. It's fun to think about.

Showers

Just so I cover off all the points. Showers are interesting, aren't they? They seem to, not just clean the body, but have some kind of effect in terms of cleaning the spirit also. I would say, likely given the above analysis, they act in a way to align the desires of the lower urges with the higher reason. But is it some unique effect of the water? Or, rather, is it because there is nothing to do in a shower save for focussing on washing the body? As a result, the mind undergoes a form of meditation, if only for five or ten minutes, and emerges in a more coherent, aligned state, where the reasonish and the lower desires are the same. Potentially, meditation could have a similar effect. A shower might be more effective as the body must be used in the process of showering.

It also seems that, when the reasonish and lower desires are fully misaligned, and one almost seems to continually, the entire day do what is wrong to do, and be in that kind of horrid state where the body seems to disobey the commands of the mind, that a shower has an even greater effect, or, it seems as if the shower has an even greater effect the further the two desires are misaligned! Well, maybe, but I'm going to leave it here for today.

39 wvs. It's not bad. I wonder how long it will take me to reach a hundred. And what I will be thinking, will be writing...

Have a good one.

Language difficulties

Sat, 21 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000

At the cafe I usually go to, and trying my best to read Italian. I have bought two books: Il nome della rosa, which I have not brought with me, and Il bar sotto il mare, di Stefano Benni. The former is "The Name of the Rose" in English, and my mum has told me it was extremely hard to follow; I've since given up on it. The latter, "The bar beneath the sea" appears easier, and I can, despite my limited (very limited) vocabulary, sort of make heads or tails of what is being said. That said, I have to be back-and-forth to my dictionary, and cannot really understand what is going on outside of that. I think to an extent, once I've gotten to the point where I understand all the basic words and the grammar, I can rely on just the notes underneath where the words are given German translations (at least, those that aren't that common). There are also parts where I don't understand the sentence grammatically: for instance, the clause "dove le case sambrano navi affondate" makes no sense to me. I assume it means "where the house seem like sinking ships", but I don't know why the form is "affondate" of "affondare". Maybe it is a participle of sorts, but I still don't really know.

That said, I can sort of read, and just regularly look up the words I don't know (of which there are many). As stated, once I get the common words down, I am going to just need to rely on the notes underneath which makes a much easier reading experience. I've managed a page and a bit today; perhaps I can manage more in time.

The point of me learning Italian is to be able to speak and understand a bit when I go to Italy in October, but of course I doubt now I will get to a proficient enough level before I have to go, especially in between everything else in life. Really, I think I can just make do with whatever I can get before I go in October, and then continue to learn and perhaps go in other years... I can even go via train (mit dem Zug... no! wrong language, uhh densha de... no wrong again, med togen... no... col treno) and thereby save on emission as well: the problem with the flight is the emissions, to me at least, and so I would like to really use the train if I can in future.

I think it would be good if I could, to try to write at least one wv in Italian at some point. It would be excessively slow at the moment and not worth it to try - I don't really have the time, and so can't really, but maybe at some point later.

If I could try to find a half hour each day, then that would serve me. It is split into quite small sections, so once I get proficient in the basics I can probably read one small section per session, and thereby just continue this one book. I think that would be good to do each day if I can; I think I will need to just get rid of the idea that I'm going to have time to do guitar and art, and try do some if I get the spare time and have the inclination, but for now the main thing to focus on would be for Italy, so practising the language, listening to podcasts, etc. to try to get as proficient as I can.

I think that would be a good plan; I need to try to get Italian as proficient as I can. In terms of living out there, which was an idea, maybe, once I get my German passport, I would definitely need to actually be proficient in the language, which seems entirely possible and not too hard actually, but it would require just practise generally. The thing that I did not expect is the variation in terms of abbreviation and contraction, that is far more than German or English. For instance, English never contracts "in the..." likely as there are not very many variations. German has "ins" for "in das" and "im" for "in dem", and potentially you could call the abbrevations of "ein", "eine" to "n", "ne" as variations as well. But Italian has a good few different articles (le, la, gli, ...) and they contract or sort of cliticise I guess onto the prepositions: negli, nelle, nella, nel, for instance are all variations of "in" with some article. It takes a little while to get used to that, or when "alla" (a + la) is contracted onto the noun itself. Just stuff like that. At least the gender system is not too difficult, verbs are ... I'm still not certain on them but they are not too bad it seems, and there are not excessive amounts of irregular conjugations, and nominal declension is basically just for number. So it's fine, but it just takes some getting used to. I can't really speed run a language it seems, and to be honest, I feel like I'm struggling with this a lot more than I was with Norwegian that is of a similar complexity. German was this difficult, but I was a teen and not well used to languages...

It'll come along, though, I just need to be a little more patient.

I'll head home now at twelve, because I want to be back before one - family is round today.

Have a good one.

On good work

Sat, 19 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000

Sitting in the restaurant reading Jane Eyre, sheltered from the outside rain, which has lasted for the entire day, and shows no sign of relenting (no, not a smidge of blue is permitted alongside the solemn grey of the firmament, and do not think the good Lord would for a moment allow the injustice of a regaining of fair weather later in the day), I, in reading Jane Elliot's attempt to put on a merry time (some chapter thirty and something), wrote as follows:

Why is the labour we perform cordially to our family at Christmas resonant in the bosom, yet that of a servant to his master not? Why is the joviality of conversation at one's employment considered lesser, yet is the sole satisfaction thereof? What, in short, is the nature of work, that restricts the primacy of the soul in the act, and which, for other matters, where the same act is performed, allows the heart to be resident?

Essentially, I want to ask this: I might fetch my family a drink at their request over Christmas, or at any other occasion, and feel none the worse for it; in fact, I feel good about the fact. Yet, if it were my employment, and I were to do it for many countless hours, then I would lose motivation or be dissatisfied with it. I think generally, all of us to an extent at least find our paid employment to be unhappy-making in some capacity: stressful, or boring, or inadequately remunerated, etc. Yet, there are certain things where we would never find this to be the case: labour for our family or loved ones may be grating at times, yet never ungratifying. It is willingly and freely given, and with a smile.

What is the condition of joyful labour?

Perhaps it is several: for instance, a certain degree of novelty, or at least non-similarity is required. Supply chains in which each one person is responsible for a single aspect are efficient but known to be demoralising. As a result, a certain degree of newness, or a learning of different aspects, is necessary. Perhaps this is just as we all need to learn.

The thing is, people can put up with a lot of non-newness: there is work involved, of course, and occasional periods of joylessness and difficulty, but the overall perception is that it is a greater, nobler effort. We keep to one husband or wife, instead to flitting between people, for this reason.

Perhaps also that it is good, or rather, is beneficial to another, or to be even clearer, to benefit one we love, or could love. We would gladly toil for a beloved partner, or a child; less so for a vindictive master.

Perhaps also a degree of autonomy in the action: I can be told to make somebody a cup of coffee and feel at ease that I can do it; I will ask them how they enjoy it (black, with milk, sugar or not) and happily serve them. If they were to come up and tell me: actually, please may you add milk, when they initially asked for black, I would happily add it. Yet, if they told me each step individually: that they actually need a quarter of a teaspoon of powder of coffee added initially, and then directed me to add a further quarter of a teaspoon each subsequent fourteen seconds after application of hot water, oh and that the kettle needs to be on for not the full time, oh and that I'm doing it wrong, oh and that... I'd just say, make it yourself then. If I'm not granted the freedom to do it in an individual way, I will give up on doing it altogether. Micromanage me enough, and it's easier to do it yourself.

What else? So far, I have established (a degree of) novelty, benefit to a lovable one, and autonomy as factors. I think also, that we are adequately remunerated. Now, there is not financial remuneration in me making a cup of coffee for someone; rather, I am remunerated in knowing that I curry their favour, and can rely on them to do the same for me another time, and so being able to establish a relationship of mutual codependence, where I help them for them helping me. The token of appreciation (thank you! cheers mate! that kind of thing) serves as a symbol of the appreciation; in not receiving it, I am not receiving remuneration in the form of their consideration and so feel my efforts are wasted, neglected.

There are four things. But, I think that generally, these are still a far cry away from actually understanding what determines enjoyment of work. Because these are almost like raw elements: knowing sodium and chlorine doesn't help identify salt. Also, because I have to work out whether a specific type of work has these elements, and even then, it's not like the list is complete.

Hmm. It's difficult. The thing is, we understand intuitively whether a particular type of work is painful or not. Really, a lot of them we don't call work. We don't really consider getting somebody a coffee as "work". It is - it is a form of labour, but we don't consider it that way. Allotment-goers don't consider the allotment as work. Gym-goers don't consider it as work. Women don't consider childbirth as work. It is all labour, but not work, not hassle: we enjoy it.

It seems strange that employment-work fails so badly in producing a system which allows for gratifying work. Of course, it does not have that as an incentive, as the only incentive is money. Abuse/poor treatment is better for productivity in the short regard, though leads to a hatred in the long term, hence the prevalence of people leaving their jobs only after a year or so. I suppose that is the best way to make money? Slavery was probably very good at making labour cost-efficient: well, we know it is, because we still employ slavery (just not in our country - we outsource it to China, Bangladesh etc.), so I guess employment-work always disregards the happiness of its employees. Shame. I wish there were some way around it.

Have a good one.

On content, and whether it is good

Fri, 26 Apr 2024 00:00:00 +0000

Sixth wordvomit entry, and my plan from now on is to write one entry per week. Of course, I said that before, but uhh... I mean it this time?

I'm trying gradually now to improve certain aspects of my character, and as a part of that I'm aware that I end up consuming a lot of media online. Specifically, whilst I do not use any other social media such as TikTok (yikes) or Facebook (...) or god-forbid Twitter, I do consume media on Youtube. Is this bad? Or is it potentially useful, or good?

Now, as a first note, of course, watching nothing but gaming Youtube, or MrBeast, or any of those other superficial things, is a waste of time. I think generally that is inarguable. They are specifically there for the pleasure of it: of course, it's not necessarily bad to indulge in things for the pleasure of the moment, but unlike with some other things there are no other benefits. I play video games with a friend of mine for instance, but I do so not really for the games, but to see my friend. Instead, I'm specifically talking about the quote-unquote productive side: podcasts on self-improvement such as Diary of a CEO that I've been watching a lot recently, or the "educational Youtube" that is now it seems always advertising Nebula.

In terms of this so-called productive side: if I had to say whether it's good or bad in some kind of notional way, I would say it is good. It benefits people, largely, or at least, does not detriment too much. The problem is, does it cause problems of its own, and is it something that is really desirable?

One problem I can see is that it turns into simple content consumption. I've seen it in myself even. Back when I was watching Luke Smith, I would watch the same video several times. Of course, I've already seen it and understood it, I know the idea behind it and the message, and I already agree with it. Yet, I would rewatch the same video several times. I think in my mind I was "reinforcing" the message, but really, I just engaging in the media for the "thrill" of it, so to speak.

In this way, it reinforces other issues as well. It seems to play into phone addiction: I'm not sure I really have phone addiction, I certainly am not as bad as some people I see, but I do still end up using the phone a lot. Almost always with Youtube just in the background as I'm doing something else, like working. In fact, as I write this, I have Youtube on in the background, watching Diary of a CEO mentioned above. In my mind, it doubles the amount of "work" I've done at any time. Sometimes I can see it distracting me from what I am actually looking at and then I turn it off and focus on what I'm doing, but I think this all essentially just plays into phone addiction, if I've got it.

Watching... Diary of a CEO, wow it's all I'm watching recently, I've noticed that the vast majority of these people have books. When reading books, it's far slower than engaging in this media: a podcast episode is only maybe two or so hours, but a book will generally take a couple days to read (depends on the book and how much time you dedicate to it, plus reading speed though I'm a painfully slow reader). A book however is far more detailed, and has the ability to present nuance, which a podcast can't really, or not to the same extent. In this way, it is better generally to try to read as opposed to just consuming the content. The difference is that a book requires rapt attention, whereas audiovisual media does not, and I can do other things at the same time. The books are likely better for me in terms of attention span or some other metric.

Additionally, I have to note that I do not discover, e.g. these books without the podcasts. The videos act as an introducer, and in so being introduce me to good ideas, which I could then follow up on if I so choose and want to get more information. If not, I can just get the surface level information which I get from the podcast episode, and hopefully use that to benefit me.

I think, then, that podcasts or these kinds of things aren't necessarily bad. But, they should be limited. I should not be re-watching videos, or doing it instead of doing what I ought to be doing (like sleeping). But, I do not think it is necessarily bad for me to watch it to try to figure out whether the ideas are good and if so how to implement them in my life.

The main thing is that: if the idea is good, I should try to follow up with better media, such as books, which do not seem to have any bad side-effects, like media does. In this way, I can also "burn through" the media which I watch: I watch things to get an idea, and then read the books. I can do this to come to understand what I need to do, but the action is the most important part. I should only really be watching this media, and thinking about it, or even reading about it, if I act on it also.

So, I don't think it's bad. I mean, ice cream is bad, but it has value socially. Alcohol is bad, but it has value to have a drink or two and benefit the social aspect. When I was concerned about ultra-processed food, Chris van Tulleken, when asked whether he lets his children eat UPF, said, he does, as it has another benefit, namely the social benefit from being normal. Nothing is absolutely bad and without merit it seems if it helps in another way. It's a trade-off. In the same way, whilst using the phone is likely bad, or can tend towards bad, and engaging in audiovisual media is likely bad, or at least worse than reading, its speed of delivery has a virtue of its own, which should be appreciated. Yes, it damages my attention span or does god-knows-what-else, but it acts as a very quick introducer to new ideas, which can then benefit me. In that way, used sparingly, it might just be good. But it needs to be proportionate, and not dominate. It (unlike books or whatever else) will naturally try to dominate, and so must be kept under control in that way, if used.

Alright, that's it for today. It's getting a bit easier to write at length now that I've done it a little. I made a few notes before writing this, which I referenced as I was writing. But it is definitely getting easier. As said, I'm going to actually try for one per week. I will need to think up of some new ideas...

Have a good one.

On the road to improvement; drinking wine

Sun, 13 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000

Another wv! My, this is absurd. I actually don't know whether I should be writing wv at all, let alone three in a day, and it really goes to show how much I am staying in the hotel today... Too long. FWIW, it is half eight - I went out for an hour and a half to eat dinner and listen to some music in Pizza del Nettuno.

I was offered today wine at the restaurant I ate at, and declined and just asked for water (acqua - see, I can speak Italian! well, I actually said 'just water please', ma comunque...) instead. The thing is, I do actually want to be able to drink wine and enjoy it, because there are also many enotecas about which it would be nice to go to. Instead, I can't really go to an enoteca, and actually do feel a little as if I am "outcast" somehow for my not drinking or liking wine. In fact, I had the same feeling about beer when I was younger, although that is somewhat alleviated now that I have developed a taste for cider. Wine is one of those things that clearly people do enjoy, but I do not have the taste developed for it - potentially as I tasted wine when I was young and did not like it, and have avoided it as an adult also.

I am thinking though about olives. I used to dislike olives. When I stayed at Hope, I was forced to eat olives everyday, as there was only one pub, and that one pub had five meals, only one of which was vegetarian. As a result, I ate linguini with olives every day for a week. I (and my friend) were actually so regular with our meals that after day three the staff just knew what we wanted immediately - I had Old Mout cider (I did try different flavours each time) and a linguini and my friend had a burger and I believe a coke (may be wrong).

Now, after that week I hadn't really developed a taste for olives moreso than I had just overcome my aversion to them. I still to this day do not necessarily like olives when served just as-is, but do enjoy them in meals. To give proof of that, both my breakfast and lunch today contained olives and they were greatly enjoyed.

And so, I am thinking about wine, it being of course a staple here in Italy, and also back in the UK - well, actually, everywhere. When I go out for drinks, often I, because I like neither wine nor beer, have to not get the drinks that were already ordered for the group but instead get my own drink, namely a cider (or water if I am not drinking). In a way, it would be good to get rid of that, but also to be able to have the experience of trying different wines and seeing how they are - not that I will be a wine snob, but it would be good to be able to partake, I mean.

And so, it is about acclimatisation, is what the olive story was about. If I want to be able to drink wine, I must drink wine. In fact, a lot of things are like that I notice. That is the reason for my /thousands page: I want to have a way to track nothing extraneous except "do I do the thing". The key metric seems to be, for all things, "do I do the thing, and if so, how much?" If I can answer that with, "yes I do the thing, everyday, for two years now" then I've made good progress. If I answer "well, I do the thing, but only infrequently" then I have not. There are also gradations of how easy a thing is to do, and how often it needs be done. For instance, the gym needs be done thrice weekly or a bit more, and involves a decent cost (an hour and a half of my time). A press-up involves barely any time and has little involved cost. As a result, getting to 1,000 would be incredibly easy to do. Drawing involves a bit of an expense in terms of time, but I could still get to 1,000 without all too much effort after a few years, or a year if I draw enough.

(Perhaps I could have a section on my /thousands for drinking a thousand glasses of wine :P)

So, I think for the rest of this holiday, I might try wine. Just one glass at each place, and I'll buy water as well to choke it down with if I don't like it. Hopefully by the end of it I will have built up a bit of a taste?

I'm not going to drag this one out to 1,000 words. Have a good one.

Eating too much

Fri, 04 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000

I told myself at the start of the month that I would use this month as an opportunity to eat less and lose some weight (seeing as I have surpassed 11 stone again) but as it happens, I haven't really tried and have not lost any weight at all, of course.

See, I know I can do it, as in January this year I lost seven pounds from just eating less, and not making even any changes to the amount of exercise I did or anything else in life. I just ate less. And that is all I really need to do this time around: I am of course going to the gym, so there is a certain additional need when I do that, but aside from that I really can just cut back. Instead, I've been eating a lot, and especially of bread. I have had four slices of (ultra-processed) bread today with oil and dried onion, and for dinner have eaten three pancakes with chocolate on each, as well as half a watermelon. As I was eating the melon I was really struggling; in fact, in terms of even the pancakes I had to stop early, chucking one to the birds and giving the other to my brother. I am now writing this with a horrible feeling of oversaturation in my stomach.

The problem is, I naturally have the proclivity to eat. Some people don't, and I really really do envy them, but I don't have that luck, and so I just eat and eat and can eat to the point where I feel unwell. Then, as soon as the fullness subsides (generally about fifteen or twenty minutes) I can eat again. I haven't done that for a while: I used to when my diet was more heavily ultra-processed, but now I find that once I've gorged I can go without for a few hours at least. But still, I have a tendency to eat not the point of relieving hunger, but instead to the point where I instill a horrible pain in my stomach. I do so partly under the pretense of not wasting food; but also, I make a lot of food in the first place, and then tell myself I can't waste it so I have to eat it all. For breakfast at work I often make bowls of porridge that are too big to eat immediately, and so I have to eat it slowly over the course of an hour or so. At home, my dinners can be enough to feed two, or even three.

My weight is still decently in check, but it is gradually creeping back up. As I said, I told myself that this month would be the one where I reduce my food intake: so far, that clearly hasn't happened. So, I'm going to set myself some guidelines.

Firstly, I know (refined) carbohydrates are terrible for my health, so I will refrain from them as much as possible and instead stick to just protein and fat for the main sources. This will mean, primarily, cutting out bread: I know I shouldn't be eating the bread in the first place as it is so processed, but I have kind of slipped up and returned to a bad habit. As such, no bread, I dare say at all. If I want to make pizzas, I can use my sourdough starter: I don't really do that much anymore and am actually just considering giving up on the starter altogether, or maybe freezing it. I mainly eat brown rice, quinoa etc. so that's not quite so bad, but really it's just that my diet of late is not doing me any favours.

I will try to increase my fat and protein uptake. I suppose in a way, the best method is to allow anything as long as it does not fall into the bad category. For instance, bread is a huge source of my calories at the moment, and so I need to avoid that. Then, I can stick by the heuristic of: eat what you have, and eat until just-less-than-satiety, and I'll be fine.

I'll do that from tomorrow, then. Of course, it can't always happen quite so cleanly, for instance when I go to Italy there will be a lot of refined carbs, but that is ok. For my own cooking, I'll stick with what I've got. I actually probably won't need to go shopping at all now until the holiday next week, and can finish off all what I've got.

Talking of Italy, I'm feeling so unprepared...

Progress in the gaps

I suppose there is a kind of "progress in the gaps" to be made here. As in, this kind of thing (eating) is not really treated as a task that I must perform, as in the gym, or any of my thousands. Instead, this is something that can be performed without really any track being kept of it: I can just notice that I've lost weight at some point in the future, if I slightly change my habits for my everyday.

Of course I could actually track this, but it's nice to have something where I am not tracking it, and I don't want to beat myself up too much... in a way, a lot of life is just tending to various things, and noticing that there is an imbalance in one place, and so having to correct it, and then noticing that in the process of fixing the last imbalance another has popped up elsewhere, and fixing that, and then noticing that in the process of ...

I suppose as I get older, I'll learn to care less about certain things, and not need to strive for them to be in a good form, and will whittle down the things I have to care about, and just focus on them. For now, though, I'm still young.

With that said, have a good one.

Self-improvement

Mon, 26 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000

When dealing in self-improvement, how much is aesthetic and how much is more genuine? To complicate matters, is the aesthetic aspect of it also genuine?

For instance, I have begun to change the way I dress. I in my day-to-day life now most often wear a button-up shirt and jeans, which is an improvement over what I used to wear, tracksuit bottoms and a T-shirt. My current dress I feel helps me to look a lot better compared to how I was. Is this not just aesthetic though? Does it signal a genuine improvement?

In a way, I think it does. I have begun to put more attention into my appearance, which could be vanity in a way (and I do worry whether focussing on my appearance is not just vanity), but it is a part of a wider project to improve my character more holistically, and so is not purely aesthetic. In this way, it could be argued that the aesthetic portion of the change is merely a visual representation of the inner change that is (hopefully) co-occurring. I suppose I would be the only one to argue this, given that I'm the only one talking here.

The quote-unquote genuine aspect of it is what? I would say likely it is the improvement to my character, which entails the overcoming of ingrained sins (habitual vice) and the building of skills which I have heretofore neglected, for instance my physical ability (via the gym), my social ability (talking to people), etc.

What then I would define as the more aesthetic aspect is strictly that relating to my appearance, namely, the maintenance of my hair (both head and facial hair), the wearing of good clothes, the use of good perfume (I think the term for a male is different here, though in essence it's the same stuff), etc.

There is an intersection of both of these in those things that are both visually represented and are actually behaviour, not mere look. For instance, good social ability (ability to laugh, quick wit, etc.) are all both visually represented (i.e. they can be seen) and are aspects not of mere look but also of character.

As stated, I believe, if the improvement is to be holistic, an aspect of this is, in a way which is not vain or excessive, to put adequate focus into one's appearance. It would also benefit to do this, as people may be kinder socially, and thereby social ability can be improved also. As such, I have no real need to try to deprioritise visual matters, but instead should likely deal with the visual matters first of all so as to have these "sorted", in a way. Now that I wear nice clothes, it is no skin off my back whatsoever to apply this, and I end up consistently looking better than I otherwise would if I would not have put the initial investment into my clothes.

All aspects of it are genuine and can be a part of a holistic self-improvement, then. However, neither one can be used to in itself justify deprioritising the other, I suppose. Well, there will always be an aspect of deprioritisation.

Social matters

I have heard the advice to 'flirt with the world' from I think one of Chris Williamson's podcasts, in the sense of, it is good, when trying to improve social ability, to "flirt with" (socialise, joke about with) everyone. I think it's good, and actually what I enjoy to do anyways. I really don't like to adopt the city attitude where you walk past people without interacting. When I went to Cheddar, seeing that sort of thing in a rural place depressed me thoroughly. I think flirting with the world is normally used when trying to find dates, as a way to say, be social with everyone and dates will soon come naturally without particularly trying, which I think is true, but really I guess it has the main effect of meaning that you end up talking to a lot of people, which is fun!

Introversion

I used to (I'm switching between topics again because I am not able to maintain a single topic for a single wv anymore it seems) think that, because I was an introvert (so I would self-designate) I was naturally to be in the state of not wanting to talk to people. I was always a little unsure of it, though, and was partly self aware that it was self-confirmation into the state (I managed once to self-confirm myself into not being able to see) which is clearly quite potent - girls nowadays can give themselves Tourette's in this way - but always gave myself the out of saying it could be ambiversion. In a way, I think knowledge of these terms, especially as a teenager, is dangerous in a way, as it allows for confirmation of what may only be a small predilection into a general state, or for the small and managed to become larger and unmanageable. Learnt helplessness, of a sort. I think, in the same way, the proliferation of transgender terminology - whilst certainly good for those who suffer from it - is bad for others, as slight tendencies (even, a slight feminine tendency in a young boy, for instance) can be exaggerated in this way, and become larger than they ought be. A too-intricate knowledge of introversion and associated terms had a similar effect on me as a teenager.

I now, well, really don't think about it, and haven't done for a long while, but wouldn't call myself an introvert anymore. I enjoy talking with people, and don't particularly see use in the "social battery" analogy. Perhaps it works for some, but I had largely self-confirmed myself into it being true, where it wasn't actually. I'm not sure "self-confirm" is the right word, but you catch my drift.

For all things, really, it seems affixing a label to it does more harm than anything else. I've heard "don't be a writer; write" before, which is of a similar vein. To be a writer is a label that will bring with it other maladies; to write is simply to write. I write, often, in terms of my journal, and this wv thing I've begun, and try here and there to write poetry or whatever (not often, not much) but am certainly not a writer. I feel a certain malaise when others affix to me a label I would not otherwise, even when people say I am fluent in German (I'm not; I am just quite good at it, for a foreign language). Each label seems to bring with it something in excess of the representation itself, and seems to force itself upon itself, or reinforce the connotation, so to speak, bringing about an exaggerated form of itself, or a form devoid of those aspects foreign to itself. To call myself introverted is to reinforce those aspects which are introverted (or coordinate or related to introversion, e.g. mere shyness, or asociality) and to strip away those aspects of my character which are not in line with the self-ascribed label. If that makes sense. There is likely a healthier way to interact with labels, but I find they have a tendency, if given first, or given not in face of the evidence, or if assuming an existence in and of themselves and not as a mere verbal representation of the state of things, to be maleficent.

Perhaps any nonconcrete thing which assumes an existence in and of itself, assumed a priori, almost, without instead being conditioned by and subjected and subordinate to a truer "state of things" is bad in some sense. If I could still philosophise, I would delve into this, but as it stands, and as I've reiterated now several times, I can't philosophise anymore! So I can't go into it.

(Well, really, it is just because it's half nine and I want to go to bed.)

Have a good one.

Sonnets and writing

Mon, 23 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000

Yesterday, I did very little during the day, but at the end of the day I did write a sonnet, link [here](/poetry/sonnet-1) which was sort of a play on Shakespeare's sonnet 18. I think sonnets are quite pretty as poetry goes and I do find them quite fun to write. I think a lot of poetry is... arbitrary, but of course it's fun to write in a way that is restricted. A lot of modern poetry seems to relax the restrictions that are present in the form: for instance, relaxing the meter (iambic pentameter for sonnets) or the restrictions on rhyme. I found myself trapped in a rather suboptimal rhyme and so the ending is not very good for what I wrote...

Creatine

It's my first day of creatine today. I had some in a smoothie after I went to the gym. It is just a white powder, and actually looks quite menacing, or like a drug... I suppose I will see how it makes me feel after a few weeks, where I will have to begin with a little more (say, 8g) but then lower it to between 5g and 3g after. Perhaps in a few weeks, and with good diet (i.e. eating less: I'll need to find a good source of protein, then, because of course gorging on lentils and quinoa is not good if it gives me a three hour food coma) and sleep I can be in a better place mentally too, which is really my hope for this.

And continuing the next day...

After work, on the train home. Turns out, I didn't have the kind of time I thought I did, so I'm carrying on here.

Socialising

I've not seen my friends in a little while; all this focus on gym and whatever is actually meaning that I'm not trying to put the effort in with my friends. I'm still talking with people at work of course, but a lot of that is not fully open, in a sense, but a little constrained by the environment. I don't think it's altogether bad, though. That said, my mate ---- (this dashes thing is a silly way of censoring names?) asked me if I was free this week so I'm meeting up with him (virtually - he lives the opposite side of the country) on Friday evening. There is also a work-do tomorrow. I guess I'm not being antisocial or asocial, but still feels like I'm not doing enough?

That said, I guess it's fine, and I do want to focus more on the gym, and things of that nature, to get something in the way of improvement, where if I socialise, sure, it is fun, but it feels somewhat like an inert activity? I know there is virtue in it, but I guess I'm not in the headspace, or potentially I feel like I need to do the self-improvement first, before I can give up more time to socialising.

Time (and politics)

I was reading a blog about how technology has not really improved our lives, or given us more leisure, but instead has rather accelerated the rate at which we are pushed. Capitalism, and all that. I don't really talk politically here but I am potentially gradually being pushed towards sympathy with socialism... Well, I've always (as a member of the UK) been in favour of free healthcare, etc. and all the liberties that we enjoy, as well as improving it (not the direction the UK is going) and funding more in way of that, public transport, etc. to boost the general communal health and allow everybody to dispense with personal expenditures that are unnecessary. Or free university I am (ostensibly) an advocate of. I feel a little odd about government regulating private corporations, but really it is necessary if we don't want the kind of horrific behaviour that companies have gotten away with in the past century or two. Really, I think that we could well do with certain industries being completely "charitised" for lack of a better word; for instance, the insurance industry I work in should definitely be a public instutition, not private. Sort of like how we have Pool Re, Flood Re, etc. that are public insurances, or national insurance even. The market doesn't provide good solutions to a lot of problems.

Anyways, back on track, about time, I am of course quite pushed for time. Necessarily; then again, it may also be an expectation thing. The kinds of things I am pursuing are the old form of skill: for instance, the gym is a physical aspect of the human body, and has not been improved particularly for millenia. We have some - creatine, as I have begun to drug myself with - improvements, but certainly the fundament (lift heavy weight, get stronger) has really not changed for a long time, and in fact, there is no way to expedite the body in its processes. It is necessarily slow (I am, to clarify, not saying that there is no way to speed up the process; just that, whatever you do, it'll take a while. You can cut two years to one, but it'll still be a long year.). As with wanting to learn to play guitar, or to draw. There is no way to speed this up; it is inherently slow, and as such is sort of in the order of things that our ancestors would dedicate time to, and to which we have to dedicate the same time. Capitalism is somewhat immune, or inert, or I suppose orthogonal is the term, to these processes. Yet, still, it seems like perhaps my ancestors would have had more time to dedicate to it, where I have less, owing to the eight hours of work and the commute to that (which totals 2.5 - 3 hours there and back). Perhaps it is that previously, there was significant joy in the singular focus of the physical pursuit, say, tilling the field, sowing or collecting seed, watering, or carving a door for ten hours (as the example in the article) yet I, in leaping between countless tasks over eight hours I don't particularly enjoy feel rather robbed of time, and not as though there is any fundamental gain to my person. For instance, at the gym, I can dedicate an hour (or less, even) and come out of it feeling as though I've done something productive and good for myself; could I ever do that at work? The only feeling is relief that a task is done, and ofen it comes back from the dead, or I am told I have done it inadequately by my boss.

Perhaps, then, I should find a job that is better for me? Or, perhaps this is the nature of modern work. Well, I could just consider and keep on writing. It makes for good wv material.

Have a good one, all (one of my readers, namely me).